10x02 - Old Man Beavis/Hunting Trip

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- And we'll just take some of these,

one of these,

gotta have these.

These are good.

- Yeah.

- And there we go.

Something to wash it all down with,

you know what I'm saying?

[chuckles] - Yep.

We like the cold ones.

- Are you guys old enough to drink?

- Uh, are you, sir?

- Yeah, are you, sir?

- I can't sell you this unless you've got ID.

You can still buy the rest.

- Uh... - [chuckles]

- Do you even have any money?

- Uh, do you, sir?

- Yeah, do you, sir?

Because we could, like, use some money.

You know what I'm saying? [snickers]

[bell rings]

Nobody ever lets us buy cool things, Butt-Head.

They always say we're, like, not old enough or something.

- Whoa.

I have, like, an idea.

[snickers]

Old people can buy whatever they want,

so we just need to, like, make you look old.

- Yeah, cool. [laughs]

- You need, like, gray hair and wrinkles and stuff.

- My 'nads have wrinkles.

They kind of look old.

Maybe I'll show people my 'nads

instead of my face. Yeah.

- People don't like seeing 'nads, dumbass.

- Not even on a fake ID?

- Uh, no.

You're weird, Beavis.

Okay, stand still.

I'm gonna dye your hair.

- Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dye.

Yeah, dye!

Whoa, it smells like dizzy or--or something.

- That means it's working, Beavis.

- Oh, really?

Cool.

- Put a little here.

There we go.

Okay.

Old guys are always hurting their back,

so you need to, like, say "Ow, my back" a lot.

- Um, okay, yeah.

Ow, my back.

- Uh, no, it needs to sound real.

- Okay, okay, let me try this. How about, um...

Ow, my back!

- Uh, that's pretty good. - [groaning]

- Yeah. - Okay.

Now go in there and buy beer.

- Oh...

[grumbling]

Damn it. Ah.

- It's time to go. The bus is leaving.

- Um, I just have to get some beer or something.

- We have to get on the bus.

- Um, oh, okay. Yeah.

I guess that's pretty cool.

Thank you, son.

[groans] My back.

- [laughs]

Beavis is gone.

- ♪ Open your eyes ♪

♪ To know where I'm taking you to ♪

- Well, somebody's homeschooled.

[laughs]

- Yeah, you can tell. [snickers]

- I think the secret to doing these trick sh*ts

is not having any friends

so you just, like, throw Frisbees all day

and then sometimes, they go in things.

- [laughs]

He keeps doing that thing

that Caulay MacCulkin does, you know,

in "Home Alone,"

you know, with his fist.

- [laughs]

- But in "Home Alone," his parents wanted him back.

[snickers]

- [laughs] Oh, yeah.

They just, like, put a bunch of Frisbees

and a basketball outside and locked the door.

- "If the ball goes in the net, I'm not lonely.

Yes. Yeah. Awesome! Yeah."

You know what these Frisbees don't go in?

A girl.

- [snickering] Oh, yeah.

- The other dudes in the neighborhood are like,

"Hey, trick sh*t guy.

"We got a bunch of girls that wanna come over

and swim in your pool,"

and then he's like, "What? No way.

"I have to hit a soccer ball with a wiffle bat

"and bounce it off a basketball hoop

"onto a ledge.

"I can't do that with a bunch of chicks running around here

"in bikinis.

Get out of here."

- Yeah, yeah.

And then he fist pumps. Yeah.

"Yeah!

Got rid of those chicks."

Yeah. [laughs]

- I bet he does a lot of fist pumping,

if you know what I mean. [guffaws]

- [snickers] Yeah.

I got a little trick sh*t

where I make it hit the ceiling.

- Uh...

that's disgusting, Beavis.

- Took me all summer to master it, too.

- Uh, okay, Beavis,

I'm gonna try a trick sh*t now.

I'm gonna take this can,

and I'm gonna, like, bounce it off the TV

and then off your head

and then out the window.

This is gonna be cool.

Uh...

- [yelps]

Ow. [laughs]

Wait, I didn't see. Did it go out the window?

[snickers]

- Uh... no. [laughs]

Guess I have to keep trying until I get it right.

[snickers]

Okay, look straight ahead, Beavis.

- Ah!

Damn it.

I think you're doing something wrong, Butt-Head.

Let me try. Yeah. [laughs]

Concentrate here.

Line this thing up. Yeah.

Whoa. [coughs] Ow.

What happened, Butt-Head? Did it work?

- Uh... no.

That sucked.

And you lost the can.

- Ah, damn it.

Well, I guess I gotta keep trying, you know?

Let me see. Maybe this rock would work.

[snickers]

Think I got this. Yeah, yeah.

[screams] - [snickers]

Dumbass.

- Agh. Ow.

Whoa!

- [coughing]

- These guys really know how to party.

[scatting]

Jack. No.

- Social Security doesn't go as far as it used to.

- Yeah, no one lets us buy anything cool.

- No, they don't.

- And now they won't let me drive.

- Yeah, me neither. Yeah, it sucks.

- Hello...

- Oh, hey, hey. How's it going?

Yeah. I'm Beavis.

- Oh, mm, haven't seen you before.

When did you move in?

- I don't know, really.

They just dropped me off here, you know?

- My kids did the same to me.

You know, there are so few men at this place.

A girl can get lonely.

- Um... um... what?

- You know, a handsome old stud like you

could really brighten my day.

How'd you like to come back to my room?

- Um, okay, yeah.

Is there, like, beer there or something?

- [laughs] I like the way you think.

- Yeah, thinking sucks.

- Hmm, looks like we're alone now.

- Oh, candy, yeah. That's pretty cool.

- When was the last time you were with a woman, Beavis?

- Uh, I don't know.

I think, like, never or something.

Whoa.

Boi-oi-oing--

ow-ow-ow, my back!

Gah!

- So that's where that dumbass went.

- Don't think about your dead wife, Beavis.

She's gone, and I'm here.

- Yeah, okay. That sounds pretty cool.

[doorknob clicks]

- What the hell are you doing?

- What? Um...

Uh, what the hell are you doing?

- This is your grandson?

So nice of him to visit.

- You're supposed to be getting us beer, butthole.

- Damn it, Butt-Head, go away!

Here, here, have some candy.

- I don't want your candy, dumbass.

Give me that.

- Have a Susan B. Anthony dollar.

- Just get out of here!

I'm about to score with this weird old lady.

- No way. She wants to score with me.

She just gave me this silver coin

that probably costs $,.

- Pearl?

Hey! - Uh, Albert?

- What the hell are you two doing in my wife's room?

- I'm, like, trying to score with her or something.

- Yeah, me too.

- God damn it!

- Hey, cut it out! - Ugh!

- Hey! [yelling] - Oh, dear.

- Ah, my back! Ah, ah!

- Oh, Albert,

oh, I've never seen this side of you.

- Kick his ass, Albert.

- [screaming]

- He's a horn dog.

- Ow, my back! Agh!

[groaning] Ow, my back.

- Uh, like, watch your step.

- Yeah, thank you. [laughs]

Did I ever tell you about the time I almost scored?

- You sure did, Beavis.

You sure did.

- I almost scored.

[snickers] My back.

Oh. [laughs]

[martial tune]

- Hello, I'm Tom Anderson,

veteran of two foreign wars.

The Battle of Incheon,

the biggest naval invasion

since a little thing called D-Day.

Me and my platoon

were about to land on Red Beach

when I noticed something

that changed the whole ball game.

[dramatic music]

You see that, Jackson? - Yes, sir.

That machine g*n nest's got our boys pinned down--

- Somebody didn't paint this hull right,

and see? You get rust.

Gotta mix that primer correctly,

or you might as well not even bother

with the top coat.

- Sir, we might all be dead in a min--

- See, the paint acts as a seal

to keep out the salt water,

because when salt and water get together,

that's what I call a recipe for rust.

I'm not gonna bore you with it,

but salt water is full of ions...

- Sir, the beach is over there.

We're going the wrong direction--

- And that speeds up the oxidation process,

which I'll speak more about later.

Anyway, I don't think

anybody's gonna be whooping the Commies

without doing their basic maintenance.

We're headed back to the ship.

- But sir... - And Sergeant,

if anything happens to me,

give this to my wife.

[dramatic music]

It's instructions on how to properly maintain

the oil furnace.

That boat did get repainted

and lasted another three months

before it was sunk in the Sea of Japan,

k*lling everyone on board.

What happened to that oil furnace?

Well... [laughs] That's a tale

for the next "Tom Anderson's w*r Stories,"

and it's a doozy.

[laughs]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- You know, there's nothing better

than going hunting out here in God's country.

Course, my old peepers ain't what they used to be,

which is why I'm glad you two boys

could come along to be my spotters.

- [laughs] We're gonna sh**t a g*n.

- Yeah, yeah. Tchk-tchk. Bang!

[imitates g*nshots]

- Uh, you'll have to speak up now.

My yodel-catchers ain't what they used to be neither.

- You're old.

Whoa. - Whoa.

- Now, I'm used to hunting alone, mind you.

My son used to always want to come along with me,

but I like to hunt by myself.

- Yeah, yeah, I like to do stuff by myself too.

[snickers] You know what I'm saying?

- Uh, but you two are responsible young men,

not like those other two kids around the neighborhood,

Beaufort and Bernardo.

- [Spanish accent] Bernardo.

- Yes, sir.

We're, like, very responsible.

Can we, like, blow stuff away now?

- [accented] Yeah, yeah, I will blow away Bernardo.

Bang! - [snickering]

- Oh, no, no, no.

No one's allowed to touch this g*n,

except yours truly, of course.

But y'all can carry the tent and the beer cooler.

- Huh? [grunts]

- What? [grunts]

- Well, let's get 'er done,

like the funny man says.

[laughs]

- Butt-Head, I wanted to sh**t the g*n.

- The outdoors sucks.

- ♪ I make breakfast for all my pretty foes ♪

♪ And my boyfriend look like DiCaprio ♪

♪ I could strike a pose for your poster, bro ♪

- Why is she so bored? [laughs]

- Yeah, really.

What's her problem?

It was her idea to make the video.

- Yeah, really.

Yeah, no one's forced her to do this.

- Well, at least Jack Harlow's not in it.

[laughs]

What? Again?

- You gotta be kidding me.

[laughs]

- ♪ 'Cause I lie a lot ♪

- Boy, he's only been rapping for, like, five seconds,

and he's already exhausted.

[snickers]

- Yeah, he's like, "Ugh, I suck.

Why am I pretending to tattoo? No one's gonna believe this."

- ♪ In the back of a jeep ♪

- Yeah. [laughs]

If Jack Harlow was tattooing me,

I'd have him tattoo "Jack Harlow sucks."

[laughs]

- Yeah, and he'd probably be too bored to notice.

Yeah. [laughs]

"Yeah, yeah, where do you want it?

Your arm? Your forehead? I don't care."

- Yeah. [laughs]

Then I'd be like,

"No, I want it on your forehead."

[laughs]

- Yeah, he'd be like, "Okay.

I mean, I do suck. Ugh."

- ♪ I got the hot pot running I'm a little unsteady ♪

- Boy. [laughs]

She really doesn't like her song here.

"Why can't I be in a video of something good?

[both laugh]

- Yeah, she's like, "Ugh, this song gives me a headache,

and so does my voice. Ugh."

[laughs]

They think if they, like, hate themselves first,

it'll make us not wanna hate them,

but I hate them.

[laughs]

- Yeah.

We're way ahead of you, Audrey Nuna.

Yeah.

You gotta get up pretty early in the morning

to hate yourself more than I do.

- You know, this here is the most exciting part

of hunting, I tell you what:

just sitting out here in nature.

- Uh, this sucks.

- You know, %... - I wanna sh**t the g*n.

Yeah. This sucks.

- Whoa, Beavis, check it out.

[laughs]

- At least we can drink this beer,

and maybe this place won't be so boring.

- Oh, yeah. Cool.

- Ugh. Ugh. [coughs]

- [gagging]

- Oh, now, that there is my magic w*apon.

The deer get a whiff of that,

and they come running right quick.

- Whoa. Deers like beer?

- That's weird.

- We'd better hurry up and chug it

before the dumb deers get here and drink it all.

- Yeah, seriously.

- Eh, my son used to beg me to take him out here.

Almost did, once.

He'd start getting in fights at school.

Marcie said he was just doing it to get my attention.

But you see, my own father--

he was a hard man.

Once, when I was a boy, I...

I've never told anyone this before, but, well...

[both snickering]

- [imitates g*nshots]

- We have a g*n.

- Bum-di-di-dam. So what should we sh**t?

- Uh, how about everything we see?

- Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, good idea. Yeah.

- Okay, let's see.

Where to start?

- Like, ready, aim, something, and, uh--

agh! [g*nsh*t echoing]

- Uh...

- What was that noise?

Well, anyway, I got home, and Daddy said,

"No boy of mine is gonna be in the school musical."

- Damn it, Beavis, you screwed up my turn.

I get to sh**t it again.

- Yeah, damn it. That sucks.

[g*n clicking]

- Damn it, the b*llet's gone.

You dumbass.

Now I've gotta go find it and put it back in the g*n.

Can't send a boy to do a man's job.

- And by then, my boy had gone without a daddy so long,

well, he--he learned to go without one at all.

- Yeah, we need another b*llet for this

so we can sh**t everything.

- What now?

Hell, you're right.

It may be too late to go hunting with my son,

but it's not too late to start something new with you boys.

Let's go land us a buck.

Now, you just let me know when you see a deer, son.

- Whoa, whoa, it's Butt-Head.

Yeah. [laughs]

- Buck head?

You see a buck's head?

- That b*llet better be around here somewhere,

or I'm gonna kick Beavis' ass.

- Oh, oh, I see him.

I see him right there in that brush.

Real scrawny fella.

[tense music]

- Uh...

[buck groaning]

Whoa.

You can see his wiener. [g*nsh*t]

They got tired of scoring.

Oh, cool.

I found the b*llet. [g*nsh*t]

g*ns are cool.

Uh, I got the b*llet

and then, like, some other b*llet.

- Well, boys, we didn't land a buck,

but I think maybe we landed something more important today.

You know I'm not the touchy-feely sort,

but... well...

Ugh, you boys smell something fierce.

And whatever it is, it's gotten all over me.

Is that deer urine--oh!

Oh, Lord, no! [buck moaning]

- Whoa, Mr. Anderson is, like, scoring with a deer.

- Oh, somebody! - Whoa, yeah, deers are cool.

Yeah. - Good Lord almighty!

- Tap that ass.

- Yeah.

Let's sh**t Mr. Anderson's truck.

[rock music]

- [imitates g*nshots]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

[chiming noises]

- Chirp.