10x03 - Pardon Our Dust/Pranks

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Hail, dimwitted Earthlings. I am smart Butt-Head.

- And I am the one men call Smart Beavis.

- Long have we observed the parallel universe

where Beavis and Butt-Head got older

and are now in middle age.

- Oh, the marvels we have seen, the wisdom we have learned.

- All of it far beyond the comprehension

of your feeble human minds.

- Nonetheless, we shall now reveal to you

but one of these marvels

on the planet imbeciles call Earth.

- Smart Beavis, where is the steering wheel

on this comet? - I do not know.

We shall have to steer it with the power of our minds.

- Very well.

[both humming]

- [screams]

♪ ♪

- You know what we should do, Beavis?

Let's get some beers and have a party.

[chuckling]

- Yeah, but, um, we did that last weekend,

and we drank all the beers, and no chicks showed up.

[chuckling] - That party was cool.

[chuckling]

- Yeah, it was. [chuckling]

Party down. [chuckling]

- Howdy there, neighbors.

You got time to sign a petition to keep Highland beautiful?

- Uh, what? [chuckling]

- I'm collecting signatures to get rid

of that ugly low-income housing out on the main road.

- Um, what's housing?

- In this case, it's an eyesore that needs to go.

Let me show you.

- Uh, yeah, that place sucks. [chuckling]

- Yeah, it sure does.

What kind of buttholes live in that dump?

[chuckling]

I mean, seriously. [chuckling]

- My company wants to put in a new condo

with ground level retail,

but we have to demolish this one first.

- Yeah, demolishing is cool. [chuckling]

- It sure is.

The city council's going to discuss this tonight.

I hope I see you there to support the demolition.

- Yeah, yeah. [chuckling]

I got a sledgehammer. Should I bring that?

[chuckling] - Uh, yeah, we'll go to that.

Can you buy us some beer? [chuckling]

- How about I buy you a beer after you go to the meeting?

- Oh, that sounds good. [chuckling]

- We're being bribed. [chuckling]

[soft music]

♪ ♪

Beavis: Being a janitor would kick ass

'cause, like, you just, like, listen to music all night,

and then you can just, like, spank your monkey

wherever you want, and then you can clean it up,

you know, cause you already have the mop, see.

[chuckling] Butt-Head: Yeah.

It is the perfect crime.

♪ ♪

It was the Native Americans who first invented the fist pump.

[chuckling] Beavis: Whoa.

What's his other hand doing? [chuckling]

Butt-Head: He's doing a different kind

of fist pump down there.

[chuckling]

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. [chuckling]

Yeah, there's something else dancing down there

about the same size. [chuckling]

- He's masturbating. [chuckling]

Beavis: [chuckling] Yeah, he sure is.

He's not shy about it either.

Yeah. [chuckling]

- Nothing wrong with that. [chuckling]

Beavis: Yeah, I mean, I don't really want to see it,

but, you know, I mean, no one wants to see me

do it either, you know, so, you know,

so go for it, you know?

Oh, look. [chuckling]

Tiesto's spanking his monkey too.

[chuckling]

- Tiesto. [chuckling]

Beavis: Yeah, you know, if you can't masturbate

to your own music, you know, what's the point?

[chuckling] Butt-Head: Yeah.

[chuckling]

Uh, I think this guy's, like, not even a janitor at all.

[chuckling]

- Yeah, he's just a really considerate

masturbater, you know?

He's like... [chuckling]

You know, he brings a mop with him, you know,

and a bucket, you know? [chuckling]

Butt-Head: Yeah, at the front of the museum,

they were like, "Sir, you're gonna have to leave

that mop and bucket outside." [chuckling]

And then he's like, "Uh, no, you're gonna thank me."

[chuckling]

- You're gonna be glad I did, believe me.

[chuckling]

Butt-Head: Uh, well, time for him to go get the mop.

[chuckling]

Beavis: Yeah. [chuckling]

I think I might get me one of those, you know?

[chuckling] Mop.

[chuckling]

[both chuckling]

- Boys, you made it.

- Uh, where's the demolition crew?

And who are those buttholes?

- Community. - [chuckling]

- It's proven to keep an eye...

man: They're the people who think they run this city.

- [chuckling] Running sucks.

- Yeah, really. [chuckling]

- Now, the meeting's about to wrap up here,

and then any member of the public is allowed

to speak for four minutes, and that's when you can talk

about protecting our neighborhood

from low-income housing.

- That concludes new business.

The floor is now open to public comment.

First on the list is Mr. Beavis.

- You're up.

- Um, I'm Beavis, Your Honor, and I just wanna say

I'm in favored of destroying this building that sucks.

[chuckling]

Uh, amen or something. [chuckling]

- You've got minutes and seconds left.

- Oh, okay,

um, also, when you destroy it,

I think you should burn it.

Yeah, you know, with fire, you know,

and then you'll see how cool it is.

Yeah, yeah, with fire. Yeah, and destroying it.

And then it'll be so cool, we'll go destroy

more buildings with fire, and then we'll destroy everything!

- Yeah. - We will just burn...

And then destroy trees and rocks and the schools!

Yeah, yeah, the schools!

They could throw rocks at the schools,

and I just want to say I think it's wrong

for children to ever have to go to school

because the children are our future, and, um--

and in conclusion, uh, let's destroy this building

with fire and bombs, yeah!

Looks like my time is up. Thank you very much.

[chuckling]

- Thank you, Mr. Beavis.

Next is Mr. Buff-Head.

Please use your real names, people.

You have four minutes.

- Uh, I yield my time to Mr. Beavis.

- And then destroy the sky and the land!

Destroy it all with fire! [chuckling]

And then destroy the fire with fire

and more fire!

- Here's your beer money, boys. You earned it.

You really spoke from the heart, Beavis.

- Well, you know, I just like destroying stuff.

That's all, you know.

- He's a big fan of fire. [chuckling]

- Yep, always have been, always will be.

- Great news, the council just voted

five to four to condemn that building.

Six months from now, those apartments

will be a pile of rubble.

- Yes! - Yes, yeah!

[both chuckling]

TV announcer: Tired of hoping that the right candidates...

[door clicks]

- There's another one of those things

on our door, Butt-Head.

Butt-Head: They can tape up

as many of these things as they want,

but they can't make me read 'em.

- [chuckling] Outsmarted 'em again.

- We sure did, Beavis.

Well, let's celebrate. - Yep.

[chuckling] Yep, party time.

Let's go get some beers. [chuckling]

[hammers thudding, tools grinding]

- How come it's so loud today? [chuckling]

- Yeah, sure is a lot of police tape too.

Something cool must have happened.

- We always miss it. [chuckling]

- What's happening over there, Butt-Head?

- Uh, I think they're wrecking

that place that sucks that we talked to the president about.

- Those buttholes that live there

are gonna get what they deserve.

[chuckling]

[building crashing]

- This is cool. - Yeah, yeah, wreck it!

Wreck it! Destroy!

[chuckling]

Yeah! - [chuckling]

- There you go, yeah! - [chuckling]

- That's it, yeah!

Yeah, kick it! Yeah!

[both coughing]

[both chuckling]

- Yeah. - That was cool.

- Sure was, yeah.

It feels good that we got involved

in our community, and it paid off.

You know what I'm saying?

- And now it's party time. [chuckling]

Let's go home. [chuckling]

- Yep. [chuckling]

Time to kick back. [chuckling]

- Uh, wait a second, where's our apartment again?

[chuckling] - Um...

I think it's around here somewhere.

It was right next to the, um, the thing with the, um...

hm, hm.

- Uh, I don't see it. [chuckling]

- Well, it's a puzzle. [chuckling]

This one's a real thinker. Yeah.

- Uh, I'm tired. [grunts]

Let's find our apartment later. [chuckling]

- Yeah. Well, it's not going anywhere.

We can just party right here. - Yeah.

I hope some chicks show up this time.

[chuckling]

[rock music]

[rock music]

[both chuckling]

- This is gonna be cool.

[chuckling] We're gonna egg a house.

[chuckling] - Yeah, it's gonna be cool.

Yeah. [chuckling]

But, um, like, which house should we egg?

- [indistinct yelling]

- Uh, not this one.

Whoever lives here is cool. [chuckling]

[dog barking]

- Yeah, not this one either. These guys kick ass.

[chuckling] - They sure do, Beavis.

[chuckling]

- Whoa, now, whoever lives here sucks.

- Beavis, I think we have a winner.

- Yeah, yeah, let's egg it, yeah.

- Okay, Beavis, when I count to three,

let's throw these eggs.

Uh, go.

[both grunting]

[both chuckling]

- Yeah. - [chuckling]

- [grunts] - [chuckling]

- Damn it.

Ugh, damn it! [chuckling]

Ah!

- Beavis, you dumbass.

You got in the way of my perfect throw.

[chuckling] - [grunts]

- I'll show you how it's done, Beavis.

Check this out. [chuckling]

[grunts]

Ah!

Damn it. Throwing sucks.

[chuckling]

- [humming melody]

♪ I'm in my prime, optimist ♪

Butt-Head: Uh, I think

she's supposed to be, like, Pinocchio,

but when she lies, her butt grows bigger.

[chuckling]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. [chuckling]

She been doing a whole lot of lying.

You know what I'm saying? [chuckling]

♪ ♪

I wish, when I lied,

my schlong would grow bigger 'cause then I'd be like,

"Hey, baby." [chuckling]

"I have a gigantic schlong." [chuckling]

And I'd be lying, but then my schlong would get bigger

because I'm lying, see?

And then it would be true, though,

so, um, I don't know if it shrinks again or--

I don't know how that works, you know?

I don't know what the Pinocchio rules are.

You know? [chuckling]

Yeah, maybe it would just, like, start growing

and shrinking back and forth, you know, like,

'cause, um, 'cause it grows, and then I'm not lying,

and then it shrinks since I'm lying,

and then, you know, it just goes back and forth.

It's kind of going "boing, oing, boing, boing, boing."

[chuckling]

And then I wouldn't even need the chick, you know?

I could just have my schlong do all the work, you know?

[chuckling]

And I wouldn't need my hands either.

[chuckling]

Can go eat lunch or something. You know, go about my business.

You know? [chuckling]

Maybe take up a new hobby, you know,

like, um, like, um...

uh, like spanking my-- oh, no, never mind.

[chuckling]

- That was quite a ride, Beavis.

[chuckling]

- I guess what I'm saying, though, is, like, um,

is I wish I could lie a lot and have a big schlong.

That's all. [chuckling]

- That would rule. [chuckling]

Uh, you know, they really should

make a "Schlongnocchio" movie. [chuckling]

'Cause then, like, Jimmy Cricket

can get it on with Tinkerbell, and then Peter Pan

can grant him a real schlong,

and they can all ride off on Dumbo.

[chuckling]

Beavis: [chuckling]

Butt-Head: And then that cricket can be like,

"Uh, hey, Tinkerbell, wanna see my seventh leg?"

[chuckling]

- [chuckling] Yeah.

"Hey, Tinkerbell, hey, how'd you like to see

something that always grows up? You know what I'm saying?"

[chuckling]

- ♪ If that bitch gets slick, I'll cut the bitch ♪

- Uh, okay, Beavis, I have an idea for a game.

[chuckling]

Every time she says, "bitch," I get to smack you.

[chuckling] - No way!

Why would I do that? [chuckling]

Butt-Head: Uh, okay, how about this?

Every time she says "butt," you can smack me.

- Uh, okay, yeah, I mean,

she is the queen of butts. [chuckling]

Your funeral. [chuckling]

- Now let the games begin. [chuckling]

- ♪ I'll cut up the bitch ♪

♪ I'll gut the bitch ♪

♪ Had to f*ck up the bitch ♪ - Ah! Wait, I--

Ah! Okay, okay. - ♪ f*ck the bitch ♪

- I can't hear when you're smacking me!

Ah! Wait, I think--

- [grunts] - Hold on!

Why did I-- ah, ah, ow!

I can--ah! Hey!

- ♪ Cut up the bitch ♪ - [screams]

- ♪ Get the combination to the safe ♪

♪ And drug the bitch ♪ - I win.

[chuckling] - Ah, ah!

Damn it. [chuckling]

I did not think she would say "bitch" so much

when I agree-- ah!

Wait, Butt-Head, you can't smack me when I say it!

Son of a bitch. Oh, wait, don't--ah!

- [chuckling]

- Damn it, this game sucks.

- Uh, damn it, we're out of eggs.

- Where are we gonna get more eggs

to throw at this dumbass house? [chuckling]

- Uh...

[doorbell rings]

- Well, hello.

- Uh, hello.

We, like, need some eggs.

- Yeah, a lot of 'em. Please, yeah.

- Eggs? Of course.

Happy to help. - [chuckles]

Reminds me of the old days when a neighbor

would ask for a cup of sugar.

- Um, okay. Give us a cup of sugar too.

- Yeah. - [chuckling]

- Sure, no problem.

- So what grade are you boys in?

- Uh, we don't know. [chuckling]

- I know what you mean.

It all goes by so fast, doesn't it?

- Uh, no?

- Nope. [chuckling]

- There you go, boys. Enjoy.

- Bye, boys. You come back anytime now.

- Nah. [chuckling]

- Oh, yeah. - [chuckling]

That sugar really hit the spot. - Yeah, yeah, sure did, yeah.

You know, they should put this in food and stuff.

Yeah. - Yeah, I wish.

[chuckling]

Now let's go egg those buttholes.

- Yeah! [chuckling]

- Okay, let's kick 'em this time.

- Yeah, yeah, throwing sucks. [chuckling]

[both grunting]

- Damn eggs. Ugh!

- Ah!

- Uh, did we get any eggs on the house?

- I think so. Um...

eh, no, I don't think so. [chuckling]

- Damn it. [chuckling]

All right, Beavis, I have another idea.

Now follow me. [chuckling]

- Um, what is it?

- Uh, I don't know.

- Okay, Beavis, we're gonna toilet paper their house.

- Yeah, yeah, because they suck.

[chuckling]

- This'll teach them a lesson. Okay, here we go, Beavis.

[chuckling] [grunts]

- Yes!

They're gonna be so pissed off. Yeah.

- No, they're not, dumbass.

The toilet paper went down the sewer.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, so it did, yeah.

- Damn it.

Now we gotta get more toilet paper.

- Where?

[doorbell rings]

- Hello.

- Uh, we need toilet paper.

[both chuckling]

- Sure, boys, always happy to help a neighbor.

- Um, and we need a lot because I poop too much.

- He sure does. [chuckling]

- You know, all that talk of eggs and sugar last time

put me in the mood for baking, and I made some cookies.

- Whoa.

- Well, they sure appreciate your baking, honey.

- Put more sugar in next time.

- Yeah, yeah, have you heard of that stuff?

Really good, yeah.

- Toilet paper. - Yes!

Yeah, yeah. [chuckling]

It's about time. [chuckling]

- Such good boys.

[both chuckling]

- We did it, Butt-Head! We did it, yeah!

- Let me guess. You guys did that?

- Yeah, we sure did. - Yeah, it's toilet paper.

[chuckling]

- Real smart to TP a house

when there's a nationwide toilet paper shortage going on.

- Um, what? [chuckling]

- There's no toilet paper in the stores right now

because of the supply chain, genius.

It's called following the news?

- Eh, this sucks. [chuckling]

- Wait a minute, Beavis, I just thought of something.

If we get our toilet paper back,

we can sell it and, like, be rich.

- Whoa!

- Damn it. - [grunting]

[doorbell rings]

- Uh, we got toilet paper.

- Yeah, yeah, check it out. Yeah, it's good stuff.

[chuckling]

You can use it on your butt, you know,

or blow your nose or something.

- Wow.

For you boys to clean up after some bad kids

threw toilet paper on our home, it's wonderful.

Thank you. - Yes.

This is the nicest thing anyone's done for us

in a long while.

- Uh, what?

- Diane and I were never able to have children

of our own, but if we had, we'd sure like to think

they'd be something like you.

- Do you want the toilet paper or not?

- Yeah, it's, like, brand-new or something.

- Yeah, nobody wiped their butt on it,

not even once. [chuckling]

- We'll throw this out for you.

Thank you. Thanks again.

- Ugh, damn it. - That sucks.

They just stole our toilet paper.

[chuckling]

- Well, I did wipe my butt on some of it, you know,

if I'm gonna be honest. [chuckling]

- We should, like, smear shaving cream everywhere

to prank those buttholes. - Yeah, good idea.

Yeah. [chuckling]

Um, where do we get shaving cream though?

- Uh, I know.

[chuckling]

- Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckling]

[both chuckling]

[doorbell rings] - This is gonna be cool.

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Chirp.