07x10 - Fear No Mort

[bunniefuu]

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I'm gonna rip out your spleen
and feed it to your husband!

Uh-oh. Wouldn't want that.

Yikes, Morty. We'd better
run before it figures out

what a husband is.

This carnival of nightmares
used to be scary, right?

- Ah. We've seen too much.
- It sucks, you know,

'cause it's fun to break
off a scare now and then.

Did I hear you fellows wishing for
some good old-fashioned scares?

I mean, I more wish
you wouldn't eavesdrop.

Yeah. Who are you?

Does the suit mean you work here,

or that you super don't work here?

Like yourselves,
I'm a connoisseur of fear.

I'm also originally from Earth.

And did you know Earth is the home

of the single scariest
place in the galaxy?

I can show you if you like.

We were headed that way anyway.

Take a left. Almost there.

We know where Earth is.

For guys like you, you
know, who've seen it all,

there's only a few real
fears left to conquer.

And one of them is right down here.

- Okay. What the hell?
- Yeah. This is punching down.

Denny's is a nice chain that
gives people starchy food

- when they're up late.
- It's a hack joke, buddy.

No. This is the place.
Good luck to both of you.

I'm gonna get myself a slam.

He just wanted a ride, right?

He certainly took us for one.

Well, as long as we're here.

Okay. Lumberjack slam, grand slamwich,

pancake puppies, slamburger,
two milkshakes...

and an order of cheddar tots.

Let me know when you want your cheque,

and if you're here for the Hole,
it's in the men's bathroom.

- The what now?
- Hole?

The Fear Hole. Men's bathroom.

Well, it's definitely a hole.

They weren't lying about that.

Is that hair? Seaweed?

Boy, it's really circling
the whole rim, huh?

Guess you got to jump in
without touching the sides?

You think there's spikes on the bottom?

I don't think they want you
to go in there and just die.

What kind of business would that be?

Well, they're not drowning in money.

They still have a built-in TV/VCR.

- _
- MORTY: Hey. It's that carnival guy.

Oh, so he gets a kickback.

Hi. Welcome to the Hole.

Here's how it works. You jump in.

The Hole manifests your greatest fear.

You conquer that fear, and
come out, well, fearless.

And you get your picture on the wall.

What does the Hole get out of it?

Well, you know those fish that
nibble dead skin off your feet?

Yeah. The Hole's kind of like that.

It eats fear.

You win. It wins.

Have fun and enjoy the Hole.

WOMAN: Hey, Gaddafi, cool your jets

with a taste of Mountain Dew.

This has been here since VHS tapes

and there's only three photos?

Yeah. My tots are getting cold.

So, you don't want to do it?

- Do you?
- I mean...

It says it takes away
your greatest fear.

My greatest fear, Morty,

is trusting a gross hole
to conquer my fear,

and I conquer that fear by walking away.

Okay, fine.

[YELPS, PANTING]

You little turd!

[SCREAMS]

- Oh, God!
- Oh, God!

[SCREAMS]

Hold still while I stuff
you with maggots.

Rick!

Okay. The Hole thinks I'm
scared of not having a g*n?

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS] Fear conquered!

[GRUNTING]

Check out them gains. Morty?
Where are you, Morty?

Let's go.

- Oh, jeez. Oh, God. Oh, jeez.
- Oh, man.

We both sh*t our pants.

- Christ, Rick. My button.
- What a f*cking ride.

- Maggots! In my button.
- f*ck, yeah.

- On the wall, m*therf*ckers!
- It's not worth it. Not worth it!

Oh, my God. You both reek.

- What is that?
- Morty and I sh*t our pants.

You're looking at the two newest
members of the Hole club.

Uh, okay, sluts.

- [SCREAMS]
- What the hell?

b*mb almost k*lled her.

Take care of our wife.

Rick? No. Oh, my God.

No. No!

- Mom?
- Where am I? Who are you people?

You're my mom, but you're young?

- Rick, what's happening?
- Wait.

Rick?

What the f*ck, Grandpa? Say something.

Okay. We're clearly still in the Hole.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

We never left the Hole and...

And part of the Hole is thinking
you left the Hole and then...

And then it can really dig into you.

Because you can't really be scared
of anything if you know you're...

BOTH: Still in the Hole.

What the f*ck are you two talking about?

Why is dead Grandma
alive in our living room?

Rick, why are you old?

All great questions.

You guys get reacquainted
while we grab some equipment.

Wait. Are we sure this isn't,
like, a double mislead?

A double mislead like we
went into a generic fear hole

and then coincidentally
came home to that?

That's... That's my wife.

From the day I lost her.

Well, what's it got to do with me?

- Rick.
- Right.

I think I figured it out, Morty.

Your greatest fear is
me getting Diane back

- and being happy again.
- What? Why?

Because then I won't need you.

Look how scared you're
getting just talking about it.

I'm not scared. I'm insulted.

What kind of backhanded-ass
theory is that?

My greatest fear is you hooking up?

You're right. We can't know
for sure until I get more data.

All right, family. Who wants
to catch up over ice cream?

I knew he was working on teleportation.

But wouldn't this be time travel?

Oh, Dad never touches time travel.

He calls it the Long...

The Long Island Iced Tea
of science fiction. Yes.

But then, what... what is this?

Don't worry about it. It's not real.

Okay. I figure it's better
to do this in front of you.

I didn't want to walk in De-aged.

What do you think, D? 45? Younger?

I don't care about your age, Rick.

I don't even want to call you that.

That's my husband's name.

- He just d*ed.
- I know.

So, 27?

Dad! You're traumatizing her.

What? It's my face, too.

And now Diane gets to understand

that I'm still sexy and a genius.

[SCOFFS] What a kindness.

You were right, Rick.
I'm really terrified right now.

Terrified of what?

If you don't mind,
I'd like to get to know

the adult version of my...

Oh, my God.

Where's my real daughter?

Sweetie, it's all right.

This may as well be our real daughter

because she's just as real as you.

- What?
- Put it this way.

You're all basically NPCs.

Only Morty and I are real,

so your side quests don't matter.

- The main quest is us.
- You're disgusting.

You're talking about our baby
girl like she's theoretical?

Welcome to the family.

No. You don't get it, honey.

Even if this was real,

she'd be only a version of your daughter

who could also be a
clone of your daughter.

Stop wearing my husband's face!

You're nothing like him.

Because I lost you!

Maybe you didn't deserve me.

You want to hear a new theory?

Maybe your greatest fear

is getting a second chance
with her and blowing it.

You don't think that fear's
been pretty well faced?

Then you haven't conquered it.

Or accepted it. Or something.

- "Or something?"
- I'm not a fear-ologist.

Morty, all Rom-coms have an arc.

Even "You've Got Mail" begins
with Tom Hanks k*lling that cop.

- Really?
- I don't know.

I'm not going to f*cking
watch "You've Got Mail."

I'm doing this for you, Morty.

The sooner I get her back,

the sooner you can conquer your fear
of being a useless, lonely turd.

You don't think that's been faced?

_

♪ Hello, Diane, here's
the song I rehearsed ♪

♪ You had a bad day and
Rick made it worse ♪

♪ He felt bad, so he created me ♪

♪ I deliver you waffles and an apology ♪

Why do I have memories
of being a human child?

- Why would I need...
- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

God damn it. There was
a whole second verse

about inviting you to
the zoo with the family.

I've seen that robot's arms.

Yeah. I used them on a
law enforcement drone

that the feds had me build.

It's how we, uh... How I met my wife.

The zoo sounds nice.

And this one time,
we raised a civilization

living on a zit on my face,

and Grandpa helped me
rule over it as queen.

It sounds like you guys
are a real family now.

I wish you could've
been part of it, Mom.

Oh.

Oh, honey.

Rick, is there a deadline on
this theory you're chasing?

Uh, yeah, sure. Uh,
that's a good idea, Morty.

Do that.

[QUACKING]

I always wished I knew
what they were saying.

Your Master's thesis.
Non-human intelligence.

When did you read that?

After you were gone.

It helped me develop this.

f*ck you! f*ck you, Greg.

- f*ck you, Lisa. Yum, bread.
- No,

- f*ck you.
- f*ck you. There's bread.

I guess that's what I expected.

Anticlimactic, isn't it?

Yep. They kind of suck.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey. Want to grab a drink?

- Hey-hey!
- Woo! Yeah.

All right. Woo!

[LAUGHING]

[SPEAKING ALIEN] _

So, when did you stop
being a lightweight?

Kept looking for my wife
at the bottom of a bottle.

You're pathetic.

Hey. To being pathetic.

- Clear!
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[BOTH BELCHING]

_

_

_

[RETCHES]

My turn. My turn.

[RETCHES]

[LAUGHS]

I'll tell you what, old man.

Seems like losing me made
you cooler. [CHUCKLES]

I should die more often.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You did.

You d*ed everywhere forever.

You're the only thing I can't replace.

Okay, okay, Mr. Weepy.

I'm not even real, remember?

Nothing's real. That's your jam, right?

My grandson, our grandson,
thinks this is happening

because my greatest
fear is letting you go.

Then don't.

- I don't want to.
- Then kiss me.

I'm old, and we have puke mouth.

Well, I'm not here,
and it's not real puke.

- Okay, Rick... Whoa! Dude.
- f*ck you, Morty.

- It's a blazer.
- That's not what I meant.

You look sick.

The Hole is feeding on you.

I thought it's supposed to eat my fear.

Can we get some f*cking
rules up in this hole?

I don't know the rules.
Maybe you're dying

because you've been in here too long.

Interesting theory.

I wonder why you're so rosy-cheeked.

- What are you saying?
- Maybe the real you

is off somewhere running from spiders.

Oh. So, now I'm not real?

Yeah. Maybe my greatest
fear is having to tell you

to f*ck the f*ck off.

- Go ahead and face it.
- f*ck the f*ck off!

Hey. Ready to Showbiz Pizza?

Let me see that bear play banjo.

Here's one for you.

I'm afraid of watching you die.

I like that theory, Morty.
So, stop watching.

Okay, this is it. You nailed it.

My worst nightmare.

I'd like to leave the Hole now.

Hey. Hey, Hole, I'm talking to you.

Are you listening?

[THUNDER CRASHES]

So, what are you? Like, the Hole?

The Hole's promoter?

- The Hole's intern?
- Is there a hole here?

Right. I'm supposed to go
in there and be shocked

that there's no hole,
or that there is a hole.

What difference would it make?

Hmm. You are hard to scare.

And Rick isn't, right?

The Hole's gonna, like,
suck on him forever

because his big secret is
that he's got the most fear?

Well, we can certainly say you're
not afraid to be reductive.

I doubt your grandpa has more fear

than the average assh*le in a Denny's.

- MAN: Hey!
- Sorry.

If anything, he seems pretty brave.

He's certainly not afraid to die.

Maybe that makes his
fear extra-delicious.

So, what, he's scared of love?

Everyone's scared of love, dipshit.

You learn that in your 20s.

It takes a very rare,
very powerful being

to be terrified of happiness.

- Dumb.
- You're dumb.

That's why you're not
scared to be happy.

The smarter you are, the more you know.

Happiness is a trap.
It can't last forever.

Let's say you meet
the love of your life.

Well, it's still gonna end.

It's inevitable, whether by
the slow pull of a disease,

or the shock of loose
footing on a hiking trail.

Whether it be the corrosion
of two personalities

that reshape each other
until they're incompatible,

or maybe the old stranger in a bar

who says the things
that need to be said,

to that person, that night.

The point is, happiness always ends.

Best-case scenario. Think about this.

Best case is that you
die at the same time.

Yikes.

Can't the Hole just let me go, then?

- Sounds like I don't matter.
- You don't.

But if you go, you'll take him away.

Don't worry. Rick will die
before accepting happiness.

After that, we'll chase
you with some clowns

or some dumb sh*t like that.

But Grandpa... [CHUCKLES]

Yummy, yummy. Grandpa's gonna die.

- Just like Diane.
- [THUNDER CRASHES]

[CACKLES]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Sir, you've been in this booth
for a really long time.

- One coffee isn't gonna cut it.
- That's fair.

- Want to split some pancake puppies?
- No!

[SCREAMS]

Beth? Summer? Anyone?

Dad, it's not real. Neither are you.

If that's true, then you deal with it.

You know what? You're right.

- [SCREAMS]
- [SCREAMS]

- How about this?
- Morty, what are you doing?

Being scared.

[SCREAMING]

[GULPS]

How is that not enough fear?

You're the one scaring me, Morty.

- No, no, Dad, it's okay.
- It's not okay.

That wasn't normal.

[RUMBLING]

My greatest fear is not being accepted.

It should be.

And you need to fear it
a hell of a lot more.

[RUMBLING]

I can do that.

You like that?

Do you want to die?

I have enough unaddressed
trauma to flood this hallway.

- _
- You f*cking idiot.

This list says "Top Five Things,"

and you only wrote down four.

[LAUGHTER]

[RUMBLING]

Trust fall.

None of us touch or
speak to this kid ever.

- [RUMBLING]
- MORTY: Maybe take a picture,

- send it to your friends?
- Huh.

- Not a bad idea.
- [RUMBLING]

How can we do the school play
if Johnny has laryngitis?

- There's no understudy.
- Put me in the play.

You don't know the lines.

Yes, I do. "Three Days of Rain."

I have it memorized.

And I refuse to prove
that until you cast me.

Have it your way, but The
New York Times is coming,

and they're doing a feature
on the current state

of young American theatre.

[RUMBLING]

Perfect.

It ended in a church?

- What?
- Yeah, they'd already d*ed.

It was purgatory or something.

How did your universe's version end?

Hmm. Jack, Locke, and Sawyer
teamed up to k*ll a fog monster

and everyone got rescued.

It was one season long,
and it was perfect television.

You can be great or you can
be around forever, right?

True. True. True. True.

- True. True.
- Where's this going?

- We doing robot role play?
- True. True.

- I've got oil at home.
- True. True. True.

- What was that? Diane.
- True. True.

- Diane? Diane?
- Hey.

- Stay with me.
- Diane. Diane.

- Diane?
- Rick?

- What's happening?
- f*cking Morty.

He's trying to hog the Hole.

Come on.

_

Alas, our father is dead.

Walker, are you here?

[CROWD GASPING]

Uh, hi. I'm Walker.

- Uh...
- [LAUGHTER]

Sure has been raining a lot of days.

[RUMBLING]

- What the f*ck is he doing?
- [GROANS]

What's wrong with him?

He's naked.

And why does he look sick?

Because he's dying.

f*ck.

I got to get him out of here.

But if I do, I might
have to go with him.

I don't want to. I don't want to, Diane.

I think my greatest
fear is letting you go.

That's a good fear, Rick.
Keep that fear.

If you don't, you'll k*ll me.

Again.

I know. But I don't have
to k*ll Morty, too.

How do you know he's even real?

Look at his weird little balls.

Goodbye, Diane.

[GASPING]

- Rick?
- Shut up, Morty.

DJ, drop that b*at.
We got to conquer a fear.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ This is my grandson ♪

♪ Don't look at his pee-pee ♪

♪ Instead of staring at Morty ♪
♪ Put your eyes on me-me ♪

♪ I'm a roped-out freak ♪

♪ Loose dog in my ass ♪

♪ Macaroni in my pocket ♪

♪ Rickety masterclass ♪

♪ I don't know how to rap ♪

♪ I don't know how to rhyme ♪

♪ I don't know how to rap ♪

♪ Now eat my sh*t ♪

Incredible.

♪ Now throw your hands up ♪

♪ And put your hands down ♪

♪ Throw your hands up ♪

♪ Now put them back down ♪

♪ Three days of rain ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That was an astounding
feat of personal bravery.

Nudity always makes
theatre serious and good.

How do you feel?

Accepted. You?

Pathetic. But... happy?

[RUMBLING]

[GASPING]

We did it. We conquered
our fears. Right?

Uh, hey, Rick?

You just looked real sad,
which I'm afraid of.

You know, of being responsible
for your sadness.

Which means I think we
might still be in the Hole.

Huh. Well, I am definitely afraid of you

ever knowing anything before me.

So, yeah, I'd say there's a


God damn it. Is this going
to be a whole thing?

No word play, Morty.

We have to figure out our actual fears

if we're ever going to get out of here.

- Actual fears?
- Yeah.

Tell me your f*cking fear
so we can conquer it.

I just had to crucify myself

in order to save you
from your Hole wife,

and you think I'm the one
with unresolved fears?

I ought to be afraid that
we'll never get out,

because you'll never
admit that you're afraid.

[BOTH GROAN]

Okay. Good job.

You conquered it, right?

I think so. How are we supposed to know?

No, no. This is real. I can tell.

You're not afraid that you could
be certain about something

and still turn out to be wrong?

- [GROANS]
- You cowardly assh*le!

How was I supposed to know?

$8 for a side of bacon?

[GROANS] Are you f*cking kidding me?

It's a symptom of a
larger concern, Morty.

- If capitalism collapses...
- Are we done here?

I don't know. Aren't you a
little afraid at this point

- of the Hole itself?
- What? [GASPS]

I swear to God,
if we're still climbing out

of this f*cking hole
two seasons from now...

- Maybe that was it.
- What?

Maybe we needed to let go
of our fear of uncertainty.

- You know?
- Right.

I'd say we're pretty native
to that at this point.

- Okay. Thank you, Hole.
- Thank you, Hole.

We no longer need to
know if we're in you.

So, bye.

Are you afraid we're still in it?

I mean, I hope we're not,

- but if we are...
- We'll find out eventually.

Which no longer scares me.

Same. Okay. I'm gonna go get drunk.

♪ "Move on," they say ♪

♪ You'll feel better with time ♪

♪ But time alone can't
heal this heart of mine ♪

♪ You can't go back ♪

♪ That's the only rule ♪

♪ But rules were meant to
break when it comes to you ♪

♪ I saw time and time ♪

♪ Slip by when I withdrew ♪

♪ I wandered far and wide without you ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

- ♪ So, I bury my dead ♪
- _

♪ And I try to start again ♪

♪ But it'll never be the same
as it was back then ♪

♪ I've seen time and time ♪

♪ Slip by, but I'll make do ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I won't live my life ♪
- Oh, my God!

I've turned into my dad.

Oh, maybe there's no way out.

Maybe we were born here.

[GROANS] Come on.
We're gonna get through this.

I'm staying here.

No. We're Rick and Morty.
I'm not leaving without you.

What did you say?

I said I'm not leaving you in here.

Come on. You're irreplaceable...

[ECHOING] irreplaceable...
irreplaceable... irreplaceable...

- What?
- Oh, my God.

I know what I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid you'd never
say that in real life.

I'm afraid that if I jumped into a hole,

you wouldn't even bother
jumping in after me.

You'd just stand there and watch.

This entire thing has been about me.

You're not even in the Hole, are you?

Thank you for visiting
the Fear Hole, Morty.

Your fear of relying on
Rick has been delicious.

Dear God!

RICK: Morty, how was it?

Was it spiders?

Oh. Oh, jeez. Oh, my God, no.

You... You didn't go in at all?

No. It's a one-person ride.

You can't face two
fears at the same time.

If my fear was fire
and yours was water...

I get it. It's fine.

It really is fine. Huh.

You do seem a little less burdened.

Rick, am I irreplaceable?

I mean, define irreplaceable.

That's good. Good.

I'm back.

Don't! Or I won't know if I'm out.

- Is it that good? Should I go in?
- No!

You holding out on me?

You don't want to deal with it, Rick.

There was messed-up
mental sh*t in there.

Like, Diane was in there.

- What?
- Not in a good way.

Just trust me.

Okay, buddy. Let's go
slam some pancakes.

[PANTING]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Oo-wee. How 'bout that?

Season 7.

It was touch and go there for a second.

Remember when I stole my kid?

I stole one of these, too.

- Huh?
- It's all about having a goal

and stopping at nothing to achieve it.

Then you'll be fulfilled.