01x02 - Happy Un-Birthday

[bunniefuu]

- With the score tight inthe bottom of the ninth,

the Cubs are downto their last out.

The batter is Webster Longa base hit score round,

safe and third smell of pumps.

And it's fast oneright down the middle.

[ball thumping]

[indistinct]

[audience clappingand laughing loudly]

♪ Set in my ways losingtrack of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to givemore than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my timejust holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up,love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thingto do, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ It was you, then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap withouttaking a look ooh, ooh ♪

♪ It was you, then came you. ♪

♪ You reeled me right inline, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought foreverwas the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you, it wasyou and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you, it wasyou and me and you ♪

♪ It was you, and meand then came you ♪

[gentle music]

- [TV Chef] Now the basil.

- Basil, it's basil,where's the basil?

- [TV Chef] The basil isthe most important part.

- We're aware of that.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Are we sure about the basil?

- We're fine,[audience laughing loudly].

- Naturally, we're talkingabout french basil, right?

- You don't have a lotof friends, do you?

[audience laughing]

- Hello my darling[lips smacking].

How's it going?

- Never been better.

- Not good, eh?

- Oh, George, the culinaryworld is a jungle.

[audience laughing loudly]

- What are you making?

- Veal redondo.

- What's veal redondo?

- It is veal dipped in butter

and smothered ina white fig sauce.

- Catherine, can wecall off a Chinese food?

- Oh, don't be snide, George,it's not attractive.

- All right, hereit is, friends.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Some wonton soup,couple egg one...

- George, this is themoment of truth here.

- Only one more thing to do.

Ah, unfortunately,we've run out of time.

So see you tomorrow.

[audience laughing loudly]

[indistinct] Nice.

- Tomorrow?

Tomorrow, you obnoxiouslittle weasel.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Can I have the numberof Wings Chows, please?

- No, no, no, no.

George, he is notgetting away with this.

I am a defender ofconsumer rights.

- Catherine.

- That arrogant little snobjust ruined $30 worth of veal.

Where's my grievance file?

- Catherine, Iknow you're upset.

- I was up all nightmaking fig puree.

- There'll be othernights, sweetheart.

[audience laughing loudly]

- It's not the figs,it's deeper than that.

- Deeper than figs?

[audience laughing loudly]

- George, it's justthat I'm a wife now

and I think I should beable to do wifely things.

- Catherine, did youfall on your head?

[audience laughing loudly]

- I'm not gonna have aTupperware party here

or learn to play Canasta,

but I mean, you know how todo things, husbandly things.

- Like what?

- Well, like fix atoilet or change a tire,

apprehend burglars,you know, guy stuff.

You see my great-grandfathertilled the fields

while my great-grandmothertended the hearth.

Well, if you can plantmaze, I can make dinner.

- Darling, we didn't get married

so we couldhomestead in Montana.

[audience laughing loudly]

- George, it's justthat I wanna try.

You understand?

- You're veryspecial, Catherine.

- Thank you.

- Go ahead, go dipyour veal, sweetheart.

- Aw.[audience laughing loudly]

[door slamming][audience laughing]

Webster.- Webster.

- Hi everybody, don'tmind me, keep kissing.

I'll be running along.

- Wait a minute, wait aminute, come here, come here.

What's in that bag?

- Oh, just some stuff.

- What kind of stuff?

- Just you know,stuff, kids stuff.

I'm a kid, this is my stuff.

[audience laughing loudly]

Wait, my stuff not bye.

- Webster, why do I get thefeeling that you're not telling?

- I made it in awesome craft.

It's for you.

- Oh, Webster, it's beautiful.

- You really like it?

- I love it.

- It's an astray.

- I knew that you.

- You did?

- Of course.

- Wow, [audiencelaughing loudly].

- Isn't that sweet?

- Chinese food?

- Absolutely not.

If he can make an ashtray,I can make a dinner.

- Catherine.

[bell door rings]

You expecting somebody?

- No, just Jerry.

- Jerry, is he gonnabe here again tonight?

- Well, he's very worried

about our consumeraffairs meeting tomorrow.

- He's worried about everything.

He's got the nervoussystem of a hummingbird.

- He's just here togo over my briefs.

- Well, you don't seemy secretary traipsing

around here goingover my briefs,

[audience laughing loudly].

- Obviously an ombuds person'sbriefs are more complicated

than his sportscasters.

- I'm hurting, you know that.

[audience laughing loudly]

- George, open the door.

- Okay, but as soon as he getsthrough, can I kick him out?

- Alright.

[door bell rings]

- Sherry, half Polis president?

- Right.

- Apartment 14 B.

- Yes.

- Used to live in 12 A?

- Right.

- But you moved?

- That's right, [audiencelaughing loudly].

- You got a kid namedWebster living here?

- Yeah.

- Walks along?

- Yeah.

- George, who is it?

- Bennett Surf, [audiencelaughing loudly].

- Look, I'm Rudy.

I drive the school bus.

- Oh.

- Hi Rudy.

- Hi lady.

- What does Rudy want?

- I forgot to giveWebster as present.

- His present?

- Yeah, and I feel terrible.

I mean, he's a great kid.

Anyway.

This is for him.

Just told him Isaid happy birthday

and then I hope he gets taller.

[audience laughing loudly]

- His birthday!

- Today?

- Of course, the stuff.

- What stuff?

- In his bag, theremust have been gifts

there was a partyfor him at school.

- Why did he tell us?

- Didn't want us to know.

- Geez, I feelterrible about this.

What kind of godparents are we?

- George, we didn't know.

- We didn't knowbecause we didn't ask.

What kind of parentsdon't ask their child

when their birthday is?

[audience laughing loudly]

- Well, it's not usuallysomething a parent has to ask.

Usually they know.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

It's not over yet.

We can still have a birthday.

- We can?

- Yeah, and he'll neverknow that we didn't know.

- I can organize a party.

We can give him a present.

- And a cake, we canget him a birthday cake.

- Why don't I make him one?

[audience laughing loudly]

You're right.

- Okay, here's the plans.

I'll get the birthday cake.

You get the presents and we'llmeet back here in an hour.

- Wait, you get the cake,I'll get the present.

We'll meet back hereand say an hour?

- Better.

[audience laughing loudly]

- And George, get them towrite something on the cake.

You knows Something like,Happy Birthday Webster.

- That's brilliant, darling.

[audience laughing loudly]

Oh, how many candles?

- Oh, how old is he?

- You mean today?

- You don't know how old he is.

- Do you?

- No, [audiencelaughing loudly].

Well, his vaccination record,

that'll have hisbirthdate on it.

- That's great, where is it?

- I don't know, [audiencelaughing loudly].

Oh, now this is simple.

Let's see if he's in secondgrade, he has to be what?

Six or seven?

- That's it.

- One hour.

Should both of us go?

I mean, shouldn't someonebe here with Webster?

[door bell rings]

- Jerry, [audiencelaughing loudly].

- I'm not going tolike this, right?

[audience laughing loudly]

[gentle music]

Webster, get me some butter.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Barry Rosa gave thisto me, isn't it Nate?

- Webster!

Thank you, [audiencelaughing loudly].

- Margaret Truman gaveme a rubber snake.

- Margaret Truman?

- No lace you, [audiencelaughing loudly].

- I had a birthday once.

No one came, even my parentshad a previous engagement.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Everybody gave mea present, everybody.

- Just me and my dog.

Cute little thing.

He liked me, but when I wasseven he contracted rickets.

[audience laughing loudly]

I never saw Robert again.

- Maybe his dog Robert.

- Mother said he wasconvalescing in Arizona

[audience laughingloudly] at a ricket ranch.

[audience laughing loudly]

It's a very long story.

- Would you like me tohelp you with your stuff?

- Yes, I coleton.

You staple.

- Okay.

Gee, it's nice whenpeople like you, isn't it?

- I wouldn't know,[audience laughing loudly].

Sure.

If I could tell you aboutthe grief and the heartache.

Lonely little boy and hislonely bow-legged dog.

[audience laughing loudly]

I don't want to bore you.

- Thanks, [audiencelaughing loudly].

- Sensitive child.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Hi.- Hi.

- Where is he?

- He's in there with Jerry.

- Oh good.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, it's nothing.

They made a little mistake.

- Oh.

- Yeah, they spelledWebster's name wrong.

- How'd they spell?

- Louise, [audiencelaughing loudly].

But it's okay.

See, I'm taking off these horses

and I'm putting onthe football players.

- Oh, wait, yousee what I got him?

He's gonna love it alllittle boys love them.

- What'd you get him?

- A bike.

- Oh, that's great.- Isn't that great?

- Yeah.

- That's terrific.

- Oh, it's broken,[audience laughing loudly].

- No, no.

- People don't takepride in their working.

- Catherine,

- I'm calling the store.

- Just put the phonedown Catherine.

It comes disassembled,you gotta assemble it.

- Assemble?

You mean as in put together?

- You got a problem with that?

- Certainly not.

I'll have this babysinging in 10 minutes.

- Oh really?

- Yeah.

The colder youngsare a handy breed.

- Is that right?

- I come from handy stock,we're all great tinkerers.

Uncle Will could fix anything.

Radios, pocket watchesthe occasional horse race.

[audience laughing loudly]

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh my God,alright, put it down.

- He is coming?

- We gotta hide everything.

- Hey Webb.

- You okay?

- How's it going?

- Couldn't be better.

- Oh, I get it.

- You do?

- You're having a fight.

- No, no, no.

- We're not fighting.

- Right a fight, a huge fight.

- So then you wantme outta here, right?

- Yes we do.

- That's right.

- I just have toask you something.

- What is it?

- Do we have a staple remover?

- I think so.

- What do you need astaple remover for?

- I have to remove a staple.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Some what?

- Jerry?

- [Jerry] It's swelling.

[audience laughing loudly]

- It's a long story,[audience laughing loudly].

The thing I like bestabout Silly Putty

is that you can freshinto Spider-Man's face

and then stretch it all out.

[audience laughing loudly]

See that need her.

- This is going to leave a scar.

[audience laughing loudly]

You know that, don't you.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Come in.

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to You. ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Webber. ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

♪ And many more. ♪

Well.

- Well what?

- Why aren't yougonna blow him out?

- Why would I do that?

- It's your birthday.

- He stapled my toe.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Come on, let's go.

Blow him out.

Yay, [all clappingand cheering].

- Well, that was fun,Webster a hundred more.

Catherine, if you don'tsign these by tomorrow,



Have a nice day.

- They will.

I bet you don'tknow how we know.

- Why didn't you tell us?

- Because I didn't wantto go through any trouble.

- Trouble?

- Oh, that's sweet.

- So are you surprised?

- Very.

- So you surprised.

- Let's go into thekitchen and have fix...

- Not in the itching K,the I bays in the itching K

- What?

[audience laughing loudly]

- Oh, Webster.

Go and wash your hands

and we'll all meetin the living room.

- Yes ma'am.

- We got somethingelse for you too.

- Why?

Why? Because you'rea good kid and we like you.

[sober music]

- Think I'm a good kid.

But what would they thinkwhen they find out a lie

that it isn't my birthday?

[gentle music]

How come we here?

- This a surprise.

- This is a surprise?

- No, Catherine has asurprise for you later.

- Yeah that makes two of us.

- Welcome to the Triad, Darrell.

I'm Maurice, yourhost for this evening.

[audience laughing loudly]

- What's your special?

- Special?

He wants to know the special.

Perhaps you'd liketo see a wine list.

[audience laughing loudly]

- You got burgers.

- I got mystery meat,[audience laughing loudly].

- But what do you recommend?

- Place down the street.

[audience laughing loudly]

- All right, we got to, menu

will decide in a minute.

- Fine the orchestra won'tbe here for a while anyway.

[audience laughing loudly]

Hey, aren't you somebody?

- Yeah, I do sportson television.

- Oh, yeah.

The football player, right?

- You got it.

- This is a great honor.

Hey everybody, lookwho's here, Don Meredith.

[audience laughing loudly]

- It's a great spot, isn't it?

Reminds me of myold neighborhood.

Hey, what's wrong with you?

It's your birthday, youshould be very, very happy.

- Yeah.

- Oh, I got it.

You're feeling old, kind oflike you're over the hill.

- How could I be over the hill?

I'm not even old enoughto cross the street.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Then what's your problem?

- My problem is Imade this problem

and I dunno how to unmake it.

- Yeah, that's a problem.

- That's what I just said.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Webster, you see, Ican't help you unmake it

unless I know what it is.

- You mean you want meto tell you my problem?

- Well, I found outthat telling it usually

is the best way totalking about it.

- What do you do if youcan't talk about it?

- Well, what I usually do,if I can't talk about it,

is I get myself a greatbig glass of water

and I drink half of it down.

And then I take a a little break

and then I drinkthe rest of it down.

And nine times out of 10,after I do all those things,

my problems disappear.

- How big is the glass?

- Well, it dependson the problem.

- Well what can I get you?

[audience laughing loudly]

- Lake Michigan.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Oh slot into section fourrequires a number two flange.

Well, of courseanybody knows that

I'll just have to get my flange.

[audience laughingloudly] [phone rings]

I know what theflange looks like.

Hello?

No, Jerry, I can't talk Now,I'll be home any minute.

Listen carefully.

Case 2287 L, she can't keepthe penguin in her yard.

And the temperature must nevergo higher than 50 degrees

because it's an endangeredspecies and against the law.

Now listen, go to the airport

and give the bluepapers to Henderson

and take the pink papersand mail 'em to Springfield.

Cancel my hair,reschedule my teeth,

and tell the mayorthat the answer

to that trivia question is idle

[speaking in aforeign language].

Jerry, what's a flange?

Nevermind.

This bowl's worn out,[audience laughing loudly].

Oh, great.

Now I find thevaccination papers.

[gentle music]

- You ready?

Okay.

Surprise.

Huh, [laughing loudly].

[audience laughing loudly]

Great, look at that.

The horns of the axle,

[audience laughing loudly].

Now just a little putterin here and there double.

- Excuse me.

- Hey, what's going on here?

I'm excited, he's intears in new corpse.

- I found this.

- Webster Joseph Long

St. Mary's Hospital,Detroit, Michigan.

- Read on.

- I'm reading, I'm reading.

- Well, what does it tell you?

- Just that he's blackbut we knew that.

[audience laughing loudly]

- No, George, look at the date.

- July.

July 15th.

- And what's today's date?

- October something.

- Now, do you understand?

- Yeah, this certificate

was delivered threemonths too late.

- The date on thatis July the 15th

today is not his birthday.

- Oh, come on Catherine,

you've told a little lieonce in a while, haven't you?

- Well, that's not the point.

- Well, he needed a bikeanyway for crying out loud.

- He didn't tell us the truth.

- He probably hada darn good reason.

[sober music]

Oh, you're right.

You're right.

I don't know what to say to him.

- Well we have to say something.

- Okay.

- Where are you going?

- To get a glass of water.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Webster?

- You know, I couldsee their face

that's where I ran out.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Your eyes get fishylike a lizard,

[audience laughing loudly]

and your lips get darklike you're ready to cry.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Why did you lieabout your birthday?

- Because I wantedeverybody to notice me.

See, last week,

teacher asked all the kidswhen their birthday were.

And Alex, my daughter,said January 8th.

And all the kidsthought that was great.

And they cheered and cheeredexcept for Walter Vidiker

who can't smell too good

because the rubberbands flout his mouth.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Can we get back to the story?

- Sure.

So after Alex Mendoza,

Shas Kay O'Connor andafter Kay O'Connor,

Shas Eleanor Roosevelt.

- Eleanor Roosevelt?

- No relation, [audiencelaughing loudly].

- When do we get to thepart about the lying?

- Albro Trainor?

- Albro TrainOr.

- Changed Albo, whenhis birthday was.

- And?

- He said July 1st.

- What did the teachers say?

- Tough luck, Al bro.

[audience laughing loudly]

See, they don't haveschool in the summer.

- I know that.

- Albert was mad.

He said, boy, was I dumb.

I should have told hermy birthday was Tuesday.

Then she got to me.

- And you said?

- Tuesday.- Tuesday.

[audience laughing loudly]

Can we get on with the story?

- Sure.

Then I came home.

You brought me a cake andyou made me that first wheel.

- It's a bike actually.

[audience laughing loudly]

- I mean, I didn't know itwas going to get so big.

I thought it'd justbe a little line.

- There's no such thingas little I Webster.

You always getcaught in the end.

- What do I do now?

I mean all these toys.

- Well, don't you know.

- I guess I have togive them all back

unless you want them.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Well, maybe this silly putty,[audience laughing loudly].

- George?

[audience laughing loudly]

- Just kidding, [audiencelaughing loudly].

- It wasn't that Iwanted all those toys.

- You wanted a party, right?

- Well sure.

- We would've given you a party.

- Yeah, but if I had at school,

I know all thekids would be there

and I wouldn't have anytrouble about them not coming.

- I guess it's prettytough being a new kid

on the block, huh?

- Yeah I guess I will help youput the bike back in the box.

- Why don't you like it?

- Well, sure.

- It's yours.

- But it's not my birthday.

- Well, it wasn'tmy birthday either,

but you gave me an ashtray.

- I fell a yo-yo on my throat.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Webster, youwrap up these toys

and come out and then we'llhave some birthday cake.

- Yes ma'am.

And ma'am?

- Yeah.

- I bought the birthdaycake, did you make it?

- No.

- I'll be right out.

[audience laughingloudly and clapping]

- Happy on birthday, Webster.

- Happy on birthday, ma'am.

[audience laughingloudly and clapping]

[sober music]

- It should pop upwhen you press it.

- George, it popped.

- That's fantastic, darling.

- Yeah.

- And the figs should be firm.

- My figs are firm.

- Her figs are firm.

- She's great.

- Is your butter bubbled?

- Yes, it is.

- Look at that, it washer better bubbled.

[audience laughing loudly]

- Is it ready?

- Is it ready?

- It's already.

- It's ready.

- That's fantastic darling.

- And she did it all by herself.

- Oh, I can't tell youhow exciting this is.

- Exciting, I'm hysterical.

Are you hysterical?

- I'm not, [audiencelaughing loudly].

- Well, was it great?

- Young stuff.

- Me too.

- Me too.

- Hello Wing Chows.

[audience laughingloudly and clapping]

[dramatic music]