01x03 - Consulting Adults

[bunniefuu]

[vacuum whirring]

- How you doin', Web?What are you doin'?

- Fishin' for coins.

[coin rattles]

- I think they got a bite.

- Sounds like a nickel.Can I keep it?

- Any coins you pull up withthat vacuum cleaner is yours.

- You mean it?

- Sure do.

[vacuum whirring]

[audience laughing]

[coins clattering]

- Wow.

[George laughs]

[Webster laughs]

♪ Set in my ways, losingtrack of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to givemore than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my timejust holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leapwithout taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right inline sinker and hook ♪

♪ Never thought foreverwas the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you. ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

[upbeat jazz music]

- Oh, Jerry, how couldyou do this to me?

- [Webster] Where is George?

- I don't know. Heleft before I got up.

- Oh.

- You don't expect tofind him under the sofa?

- Of course not.

I'm looking for Fred.

- Fred's loose?

- Yeah, he got out again.

Have you seen him anywhere?

- No.

- Oh.

Last time he got loose,

I found him in George'sunderwear drawer.

What a silly frog.

[audience laughing]

- Fred.

[audience laughing]

Hi.

- Hi.

- What's new?

- Nothin', nothin' at all.

- What's that?

- What?- That.

- This?- Mm-hm.

- Oh, it's, it's myold, it's my old locker.

- You got up at fouro'clock in the morning

to go and pick up yourold football locker?

- Yeah, you see, they wereremodeling the stadium

and well they were gonnathrow number 71 away,

right in the, rightin the junk heap.

- And you stopped them?[audience laughing]

- George, you're back!

- Oh, Web, how's it goin'?

- Fine. Can I talkto you for a moment?

- You sure can. We'll goright in your room right now.

[Katherine screams]

[audience laughs]

- Fred.

Ooh, see, George?

[Fred croaking]

- Ooh.

- Don't worry, ma'am.You didn't scare him.

- Good.[audience laughs]

- I think I'll gobrush my teeth.

[audience laughs]

- It can't stay, George.

- Oh, come on, Katherine.

It's just a little frog.

- I'm talking about the locker.

- Oh, no. Wait, wait a minute.

Katherine, that locker holdsa lot of memories for me.

My victories, my defeats.

- Your socks?[George gasps]

- My socks. My lucky socks.

- It is charmingto see a grown man

so attached to his hose.- Oh, thank you, darling.

I knew you'd understand.

- Oh.

[kiss smacks]

- I love you, Katherine.

- I love you, too.

[kiss smacks]

Get rid of it.[audience laughing]

- Katherine, I know Ididn't ask permission.

- I'm not your mother.

I'm your wife.

Husbands and wives shouldtalk to each other.

You know, what do youthink, what do I think?

Communicate, consult.

- Okay, so we'll consult.

So, where do youwant me to put it?

[audience laughs]

- I don't thinkI'll answer that.

- Katherine, that'snot very nice.

- George, we've talkedabout this before.

Any decision thataffects the two of us,

no, the three of us,deserves a consultation.

- All right.

So for now on, we'll consult.

- [Webster] Hey,nice locker, George.

- You see?

- My dad once kept a lockerlike this in the house.

- You see?[audience laughing]

- Mom and I stayed at a HolidayInn until he got rid of it.

[audience laughing]

- Okay, I'll take care of it.

- Thank you, Webster.

Oh, I have veal piccata andcold pasta salad for your lunch.

- Thanks, ma'am, butif you don't mind,

I made my own sandwich.

- Oh?

Oh, what kind ofsandwich did you make?

- A Webster Long number two.

[audience laughs]

- What exactly is aWebster Long number two?

- Pickles and mayonnaise.[audience laughing]

- I see.

What is a WebsterLong number one?

- You wouldn't wannaknow. Bye, ma'am.

- Bye.

Oh Webster, please seethat Fred goes back

to wherever it is he belongs.

- I will, as soonas I find him again.

- A boy and his frog. [laughs]

- While you're laughing,

you might wanna checkyour underwear drawer.

- Huh?

- Have a nice day.

- Hey, Web?

- Don't worry,he's not in there.

I already looked.

- Okay, well gimme ahand with this, will you?

- Sure.

- Just kind of pushit in a little bit.

That's good.

How about over, over to theleft, just a little bit.

There you go.

All right, let me see.

Okay, just backa little bit now.

Yeah. Okay, good.

That's great. Thanks.

[audience laughing]

Now, what'd you wannatalk to me about?

- Well, nevermind. Itwas really nothing.

- Sometimes nothingcould be something

if you don't talk about it.

- Well, okay. George,do you think I'm short?

[audience laughs]

- Why would I think that?

I mean I still think youhave a little growing to do.

- You think I'll beable to play football?

- Of course. Size hasnothing to do with it.

It's how much youwant to play the game.

- You really think so?

- Absolutely.

It isn't how big you are, it'show you feel here and here.

- Great, 'cause I'm trying outfor the football team today.

- You are?

- Yeah.

- I didn't even know yourschool had a football team.

- It's not the school team,it's a community league.

- You sure youreally wanna do this?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Then I'm gonna tell yousomething that your father

and I came up with tofool the other team.

We called it the limp gambit.

- Why?

- Because we limped.

- Were you hurt?

- Nah, we weren't hurt.

We were just trying tofool the other team.

Look it, I'll showyou so you understand.

First just startthe limp, right?

Come on, follow me.

[audience laughing]

And the other teamsays, "Boy, that guy

is really hurt," right?

- Then what?

- Then you kind of startwalking normal, you know.

Try it.[audience laughing]

And the other team says,"Oh, he was just kiddin'.

He isn't hurt.He's okay," right?

And you start limping justa little bit again. Oh.

Right?[audience laughs]

And the team says,"Hmm, he is hurt

but he's pretendingnot to be hurt," right?

- I'm confused.

- So is the other team confused.

Don't you understand, Web?That's the whole thing.

They think you're hurt, right?

So you run down the field,

they throw you the balland then pshhh, bingo.

Touchdown.

- I just scored a touchdown?

- You sure did.

- All right!

[audience laughing]

- All right.

Go out there and show'em what you can do.

- I will.

I almost forgot.

I can't try outwithout permission.

- Oh.

Fairly handy there.

There you go.

Eat 'em up.[audience laughing]

- All right, if you find Fred,

tell him I'll beback around two.

[gentle music]

- Mrs. Van de Kamp, wouldyou listen to me please?

No, I was not hard on Leonard.

No ma'am, I did notcall him a fat fatty.

I know he's sensitive.

It's just that I don'tlike for the other team

to kick off whileone of my players

is standing thereholding a malted.

Mrs. Van de Kamp,listen, I have to go now.

I'll, I'll talk to you later.

Thank you, goodbye.

How do they find me?

They always find me.

They know where I am.

Maybe it'll change.[knocking on door]

It's gotta change.

[audience laughing]

It's not changing.

All right, whatcan I do for you?

- I'm here to tryout for the team.

- You're kidding.

You're putting me on. [laughs]

Come on, who sent you?

- It was my own idea.

Can I be a running back?

- I don't know how tobreak it to you, kid,

but we got kind of afunny rule around here.

In order to play, you gottaweigh more than the ball.

- Hey.

It's not size that counts,it's how much you wanna play.

I'm surprised youdidn't know that.

- I like you.

- So you'll let me try out?

- Hmm, I don't think so.

- I'm scrappy.[audience laughs]

- You're scrappy?

Forget it, kid.

You gotta have permissionto play football.

Your parents gaveyou permission?

- My guardian did.

- Your guardian?

- Other side.[audience laughs]

- George Papadopolis?

[gentle music]

- I am not a snob.

- Jerry, give it a rest.

- Today was aninsult to our career.

The man ate his entiremeal with a spoon.

- The man had a complaint.

We responded.

It's my job

- Katherine,discussing sewer backup

is not my idea ofa business lunch.

- Mr. Wallaby is ahigh ranking official

at the Departmentof Sewage Control.

- I know. It saidso on his tattoo.

[audience laughing]

- Well, we can't alwaysbe exposing Watergate.

- Pity.

I'm sitting at thePalm with a man

who uses words like drainage.[audience laughs]

I hope to God nobody saw me.

- Katherine.

- [Katherine] Hi.

- Oh, you here again, Jer?

- Remarkably observant.

- I'd rather you weren't.

- Good point.

- George.

- Low tech, I love it.[audience laughing]

- That's my old football locker.

- A lot of us are usingthese little rooms.

We call them closets.

- Jerry-- Oh, look.

"Papadopolis repulsesPhiladelphia."

And I thought it was just me.- Please, Jerry.

- All right.

All right, all right, allright, all right, all right.

I overstepped.

I'm sorry.

Look, George.

Personally I would liketo try to be your friend.

- Really?

- Mm-hm.

- Fine.

Could you stepoutside for a moment?

- Why, certainly.

[audience laughing]

- Katherine.

- Ciao.- Ciao.

[audience laughing]

- Katherine, it'sabout the locker.

- I know.

- You do?

- I overreacted. I'm sorry.

- You did?

- I was wrong.- You were?

- Well, no, notabout the consulting.

But look, George, thatlocker means a lot to you

and if you wanna keepit, then you should.

Not necessarily in theliving room, but...

[Katherine sighs]- You're wonderful, darling.

And I know exactlywhere it belongs.

- So do I, but I won'tgo back on my word.

- Katherine.

- I'm just kidding.

Where do you wanna put it?

- Well, I thought I'dput it in Web's room.

You know, he likesfootball stuff

and since he's tryingout for the team.

- What team?

- The community football team.

Boy, you should have seen howexcited he was this morning.

- Who gave him permission totry out for a football team?

- We did.

- What do you mean we?- Us, us.

- Us would never have done that.

- Well, you see, there wasa permission slip, so all I-

- Us didn't sign it.

- Well us doesn'thave to sign it.

It says parent or guardian

and I'm a guardianso I signed it.

- Without consulting me?

Without even asking my opinion?

- Well, how could youpossibly have an opinion?

- I beg your pardon.

- Well, come on darling.

I mean, football is notexactly your bailiwick.

- My bailiwick?

- Darling, darling,I'm not trying

to put you down oranything, but let's face it.

When it comes to bailiwicks,

ombudsing is yours andfootballing in mine.

- We're not talkingabout bailiwicks,

we're talking about Webster.

- Who wants to playfootball, my bailiwick.

- What if he gets hurt?

- Katherine, would Igive him my permission

if I thought hewas gonna get hurt?

Don't you think I'm alittle brighter than that?

A little more intelligent?

[audience laughing]

Don't be afraid to answer.

- He's too smallto play football

- But he's not toosmall to try out.

- Well what does that mean?

- That he won't make the team.

- He'll make the team

- Darling, he's too small.

He's too short.

There's no way in hell he'sgonna make the football team.

Never happen. No way.

- Guess what?

[Webster growls][audience laughs]

- You made the team.

- I sure did.[audience laughing]

- He made the team.Isn't that great?

- That's great.

- I got tackled and everything.

- He got tackled,isn't that wonderful?

- Tackled?

- Took three guysto get me down.

- Three guys? Big guys?

- These guys were animals.[audience laughing]

- Oh, that's great, George.

- Can I go call some of myfriends and tell 'em the news?

- Sure, go ahead, tiger.

[hit thuds][George grunts]

[audience laughs]

[Webster growls][audience laugh]

[George laughs]

Who would've thought?

- Mr. Expert, Mr. Bailiwick.

I wish I had a bazooka.[audience laughs]

- Now, Katherine-

- No, don't you"Now Katherine," me.

Are you crazy?

We can't let that littleboy play football.

He could get k*lled.

- Come on. I mean-

- Animals. Did you hearthe part about animals?

- Darling, they exaggerate.All kids exaggerate.

- Nice answer.

- Well, what is he gonna say?

He was tackled bythree upholsters?

[audience laughs]

Come on, the coachknows what he's doing.

- Just one minuteago you assured me

that he would never geton that football team.

- I was wrong.

- Then you agree he shouldnot be on the football team?

- No.

He won't get hurt.

- How do I know that?

- Because these leaguesare very, very strict.

They don't want theirkids getting creamed.

So they put 'em in divisions.

There's the peeweefor the little guys,

the juniors and then the jumbos.

- Yeah?

- Sit down for a minutedarling. Listen to me.

Now, I played in acommunity football league.

The city council wouldclose 'em right down

if they thought akid could get hurt.

- And a peewee wouldnever play a jumbo, right?

- No way.

[Katherine sighs]

- I guess I overreacted.

- No darling, youjust didn't know

what you were talking about.[audience laughs]

[doorbell chimes]

Who knows?

Maybe Web will turn out to bethe biggest man on the team.

- Webster ready for practice?

- And then again, you mightdivorce me and I'd understand.

[audience laughs]

- I will be brief,blunt and to the point.

- Oh, this is gonnabe a tough one, right?

- I have seen the peewee andhe looks like a jumbo to me.

- Katherine, the leastyou could have done

is waited until I stoppedthe car, for crying out loud.

- Coach, this ismy husband, George.

George, Coach. Coach, George.

George, Coach.

You should be drawnand quartered.

And don't gimmeany feeble excuses.

I'm here to talk about the team.

- When can you try out?

- She's not trying out.- Are you?

- No.- Of course not.

Why should I get a break?

- Katherine-

- Say, you're GeorgePapadopolis, aren't you?

- Right.

Katherine-- Oh, this is a pleasure.

- Thank you. Listen, Katherine-

- I'm one of your biggest fans.

- Thanks.

Katherine-- I saw every game

you ever played in Chicago.

- Good.

Katherine-- I was in the stands

the day you repulsedPhiladelphia.

[audience laughing]

- When we've finished ourstroll down memory lane,

could we get backto Webster Long?

- Webster? Ohright, Webster Long.

That's why you're here, right?

- Yes. How could you possiblyput him on that team?

- He's scrappy.

- You put him on the teambecause he's scrappy?

- No, I put him on theteam because he's the son

of Travis Long and thegodson of George Papadopolis.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Are you saying that the onlyreason he made this team

is because who heis and who he knows?

- That about sums it up.

- Sir, I'll have your job.

- You'll deliver seltzer?

- What?

- Look, lady, thisis not my job.

I don't do this for a living.This is my spare time.

I love kids.

- Well then why wouldyou put him on your team?

- I figured with him hereyou'd show up for the games.

- Well, what is thatsupposed to mean?

- Lady, this man is alegend. He's a hero.

If he shows up at thegames, people show up,

they come and fill the stands,

we pass the hat, weraise some money.

- Are you tryingto use my husband

and our godchild to raise money?

- Calm down, lady. I don'tget anything out of this.

The money goes to buyuniforms, shoulder pads,

shoes, footballs, antacid.

- Antacid?

- Okay, you caught me.It's my little perk.

Look, if you don't wanthim to play football,

that's your decision.

Of course it'll break his heart,

but I guess that'swhat parents are for.

- If he finds out that he madethe team just because of me,

it's gonna breakhis little heart.

- Well, somebody'sgoing to tell him.

A parent, another kid.

- You're right.

If he has to hear it fromsomeone, I'd rather it be me.

- How about us?

- Do you wanna consult first?

- I think we just did.

[doorbell chimes]

[Katherine sighs]

- Hey, Web.- Hi.

[Katherine gasps]

- My God, he's broken.[audience laughs]

- I'm fine, ma'am. I'mjust a little dusty.

- Was there a game today?

- A scrimmage.- And?

- And I did pretty good.

- Come on, Web. Areyou sure you played?

- Sure I'm sure. I was there.

There was an A team, aB team and I was on B.

We were losing really bad.

- Yeah?- And the coach got upset,

so I told him aboutthe limp gambit.

- The limp gambit?

- Yeah, it's a little something

that Web's dad and I invented.

So go on, Web.

- The coach loved it.

And he said, "Ifyou're game, I'm game."

- And you played the limp gambitand you scored a touchdown?

- No, I got creamed.[audience laughs]

- I'm sorry, Web.

- Hey, it's okay.

The coach told me Icouldn't play anymore

until I got biggerand a little stronger.

- Well, come on.

Come on, tiger.

So, I guess you'll besitting on the bench, right?

- And that doesn't bother you?

- No, I get to keep myuniform and my health.

[audience laughs]

You're notdisappointed, are you?

- No, Web.

You see, we kind of,we kind of thought

that you wouldn't be playing.

- You did? Why wouldyou think that?

- Well...

- Oh, I get it. It'sbecause I'm small.

- Okay, Webster.

The real reason that you areon that team is because...

- It's because you're my godson.

- I don't believe you.

- That's the truth.

- Then I quit. I don't wannabe on that stupid team.

- Webster, come here. Waita minute, wait a minute.

Listen to me.

Now, your father sat on a bench

for two years beforehe got his break.

- Yeah, but at leasthe got on that team

because of himself, notbecause you were his guardian.

- Come here.

Lots of peoplehave opportunities

because of who they know.

How do you think Katherinegot her first job?

[audience laughs]

- George?

- Well, I mean, come on,

do you think it was herbrains or abilities or skills?

- George.

- I mean, of course she was,

she had brains andskills and abilities,

but she also had a father

who made a phone call downto the mayor's office.

- That's not true.

It was my mother.[audience laughs]

There's nothingwrong with somebody

opening the door for you.

The point is, once youget there, it's up to you.

- And if you're smart andscrappy like your father,

you won't be sittingon the bench forever.

- I am smart and scrappy

and I won't be sittingon that bench forever.

- That's a great attitude, Web.

- Thanks, ma'am.

Oh, don't feel badabout getting that job

'cause of your mom.

One day you're gonna make iton your own, just like me.

[audience laughs]

- Thanks, Webster.

[Katherine laughs][upbeat music]

- [Announcer] And now GeorgePapadopolis on sports.

- Webster, he's on.

Come on.- I can't find Fred.

- Shh, hurry.[upbeat music]

- Hello everybody.

You know I never consideredmyself a sentimental guy

but yesterday theyremodeled the old stadium

where I used to play.

Like Jim Bouton said,you spent all those years

holding a ball andwhen it's over,

you realize the whole time thatit was the other way around.

So what did I do?

I went down to the stadiumand I got my old locker.

All of a sudden, it seemedvery important to me.

I had lost my youth and Ididn't want to let it go.

- Oh, George, that's lovely.

- But only afterthe fact could I see

that the memorieswere only sweet

when they remained memories,so the locker is gone.

I was gonna give it to my godson

but he suggestedthat I donate it

to our community league.

The locker, thecheers, all gone.

But there is something finerthat no one can ever take away,

and that's the memories.

Goodnight, everybody.

- Oh, George.

- That's only placeI didn't check.

- What's that?

- The locker.

- Oh?

- That and yourunderwear drawer.

[audience laughs][Fred croaks]

[upbeat theme music]

[upbeat music]