01x04 - Katherine's Swan Song

[bunniefuu]

[fly buzzing]

[fly buzzing][audience laughs]

[audience laughs][fly buzzing]

[door thuds][audience laughs]

[doorbell rings]

[fly buzzing][audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my time ♪

♪ Just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh ooh it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leapwithout taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ooh it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right inline, sinker and hook ♪

♪ Never thought foreverwas the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ Me and you ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

[gentle bright music]

- And the beautifulswan swim, swam.

Swim, swam acrossthe shimmering lake.

That's why they callthis ballet "Swan Lake."

[gentle piano music]

"Swan Lake."[audience laughs]

Well, okay.

Anyway, meanwhile, backat the palace ball,

Prince Siegfried cried,

"I will dance with no other,

for I love thebeautiful swan Odette."

- I once loved aduck named Wendy.

[audience laughs]

- "Oh, no," cried...

- I knew a linebackernamed Wendy.

- Was she nice?

- "Oh, no," cried...

- She was a he.

Bernard Wendy was the greatestlinebacker there ever-

- Boys.- [Webster And George] Sorry.

[audience laughs]- "Oh, no," cried Odette.

For she hadn't beeninvited to the ball.

"Prince Siegfriedno longer loves me."

And brokenhearted,she swim, swam,

swim, swam far, far away.

- Where'd she go?

- Far, far away.[audience laughs]

But she needn't have worried.She needn't have run away.

For Prince Siegfriednever stopped loving

the beautiful swan Odette.

[Webster and George clap]

- That was wonderful,darling. It was wonderful.

Let's watch the lastpart of the Denver game.

- My Dad once scored atouchdown against Denver.

- Who do you thinkblocked for him?

- I wasn't finished.

- Oh.- Oh.

[audience laughs]

- And Siegfried leapt into-[doorbell rings]

- The door.[audience laughs]

Well, if it isn'tWebster's friend Melanie.

Come on in, Melanie.

- Hi, Mr. Papadapolis.

Hi, Mrs. Jopapopalis.[audience laughs]

- Hello, Melanie.

- Can I play with Webster?- Can she?

- Can she?[audience laughs]

[music ends]- Yes, of course.

- Thanks, Ma'am.

Oh, and thanks forshowing me your sheets.

- It's not a sheet. It's a lake.

What's the use?

- Katherine?- Go ahead.

Turn on the football game.

- Thank you.- See if I care.

- Katherine.- Upset? Why would I be upset?

[audience laughs]

- Let me help you with that.

- Don't touch my sheet.[audience laughs]

- You are upset.

- Here I am trying to developa relationship with Webster.

Show him how much funI am. And what happens?

He, he runs off toplay like a little kid.

- He is a little kid.

- Oh, and I'm not, is that it?

[audience laughs]

- Katherine, don't youthink you're overreacting

just a little bit?

So we didn't like "SwanLake." It's a ballet.

- I loved "Swan Lake"when I was his age.

Chives performed itfor me every Arbor Day.

- Chives?- Our butler.

And may I add, onehell of a dancer.

[audience laughs]

But this has nothingto do with "Swan Lake."

- Well, what doesit have to do with?

- Oh, every gameyou play with him.

Everything you do forWebster is perfect.

- Well, I can't help that.

- I can't evenget to left field.

- That's first base, darling.

- You see?[audience laughs]

You play ball with him. Youbuy him chili cheese dogs.

He just loves being with you.

- Well, you can buyhim chili cheese dogs.

- Where?- Sloppy Eddy's.

- I don't think so.[audience laughs]

No, I, I'm just not cutout for raising a child.

I'm an adult. I mean,I have an adult brain.

You're lucky.[audience laughs]

- Thanks a lot.

- Oh, no, no, sweetheart.

What, what I mean is that,that part of your brain

still has a little child in it.

And I just wish Icould borrow it.

- You don't have to.Just think like a kid.

- I can't.- Sure you can.

- No, I can't.[audience laughs]

Okay. A kid, a kid.

What would a kid like?

- Why don't you makehim a fun dinner?

- A fun dinner?- Yes.

- Huh. Okay, a fun dinner.

Huh. German cuisine.

That sounds like fun.[audience laughs]

Here, listen to this.

Sauerbraten, wienerschnitzel,bratkartoffeln.

- Katherine.- Hasenpfeffer?

[audience laughs]

- Think like a kid.

Cheeseburgers,greasy French fries.

- Pizza.- Pizza.

- That's right. Everykid likes pizza.

- We love pizza.[audience laughs]

- You got a baby?- No.

- Want ours?- Don't you want her?

- Not really. I gaveher my night light.

What does she need itfor? She goes in the bed.

[audience laughs]

- Maybe you can geta new night light.

- It's not just the night light.

It's deeper than that.

- It is?- Yeah.

Ever since we got the new baby,

I don't think my mommyand daddy want me anymore.

- That's bad.- Yeah.

- I almost thought Ma'amand George didn't want me.

- What did you do?

- I ran away.- Wow. What did they do?

- They came looking for me.

- Did they find you?

- I'm here, aren't I?[audience laughs]

- Oh, yeah, right.

- Anyway, I guessthey missed me.

'Cause you don't run after aguy if you think he's a nerd.

[audience laughs]

- Can I borrow your bag?

- Why? Where you going?

- It's a secret.Promise not to tell?

- Elbow locked, pinky cross.

[audience laughs]

- Okay. I'm runningaway. Just like you said.

- [Katherine] Webster, I'vegot a big surprise for you.

- Melanie, I never saidyou should run away.

- Why not? It worked for you.

- [Katherine] It'llbe here any second.

- Melanie, you're gonnaget me into trouble.

- [Katherine] Webster?

- Melanie, please don't go.

- [Katherine]You can ask Melanie

to stay for the surprise.

- I don't like surprises.

[audience laughs]- Shh.

Where are you going to go?

- I was thinking of Miami.

- Miami?[audience laughs]

Are you kidding?

- I got $5 and 37 cents.

- She's not kidding.[audience laughs]

- [Katherine] Webster,it's here. Come on out.

- Melanie, stay here.I'll be back in a second.

- Well...

- If you stay here, I'llbring you something to eat.

Something nice and goopy.[audience laughs]

- Well...- Come on, Melanie.

You can't go to Miamion an empty stomach.

- [Katherine] Webster.

It's ice cold.Pizza should be hot.

- Not Angelo's.

- He makes cold pizza?- The best.

Relax. Kids love cold pizza.

- Hi, Ma'am. Hi, George.

- Hey, Web.- [Katherine] Hi.

- Well, come on. Come on.

Let's go. This is it.

- Where's Melanie?- Melanie?

She had to run away.Along, run along.

[audience laughs]

- Well, that's all right,

'cause this is a specialdinner just for you.

- What?- Pizza. Nice and cold.

- Katherine did this all.She did the whole thing.

I had nothing todo with this thing.

- You're gilding the lily.[audience laughs]

- So what's for dinner?

- Pizza.- Pizza.

[audience laughs]

- You all right?- Oh, yeah, sure. Fine.

- Ta-da.[audience laughs]

- It's upside down.[audience laughs]

- I know that. I justthought it was fun.

[audience laughs]

Okay.

- It's a lot of cheesestuck to that cardboard.

- Well, cardboard's fiberand fiber's healthy. Eat.

[audience laughs]

Here, sweetheart.

- Boy, am I excited.I'm so excited.

Are you excited, Web?

- Oh, yeah, sure. Fine.

[audience laughs]

- Could I have a word with you?

He's not happy.- Sure, he's happy.

- No, he's not. Happypeople do happy things.

They perk, they jaunt. He'snot perking or jaunting.

- Darling, we don'tknow him that well.

Maybe that's his way ofperking and jaunting.

[audience laughs]

- Boy, was that delicious.

- You ate thatwhole piece already?

- Yeah, it was nice and cold.[audience laughs]

- Thanks.

- Gotta run.- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What have you got in that shirt?

- My undershirt?[audience laughs]

My skin?- Your pizza.

- Oh, George, don't be silly.He dripped a little sauce.

All right, a lot of sauce.

He's a kid. Youknow, kids do that.

- It's true.- You may be excused.

- Thanks, Ma'am.

- Some fun dinner. Iorder pizza, he wears it.

- Well, we held the anchovies.Maybe he likes anchovies.

- Oh, George, please.I'm a grown woman.

Nobody likes anchovies.[audience laughs]

- Well, maybe he justdoesn't like pizza.

- Or "Swan Lake" ormy dancing or my...

- Or your what?

- My name.

- What's wrong with your name?

- What does he call you, George?

- He calls me George.

- And why does he callyou George, George?

- Because my name is George.[audience laughs]

- No, because he likes you.

Because he feelscomfortable with you.

If he weren't, thenhe'd called you sir.

Like he calls me Ma'am.

- Katherine, I think that's-[doorbell rings]

- I'll get it.

- Hi, Katherine.- Trudy, come on in.

[audience laughs]- Oh, the apartment.

It looks lovely. Oh, Katherine.

You know, vinegar would dowonders for that chrome.

It's also an excellent saladdressing and bug repellent.

I love vinegar.

[audience laughs]

- George, you know TrudyEaston? Melanie's mother.

- Yes, hi, Trudy.- Hi.

Well, I gotta run.

Myron's out of town, andthe sitter is a thief.

Nice seeing you.

[audience laughs]Melanie. Melanie!

- Trudy, Melanie's not here.

- Well, what do youmean she's not here?

- Webster said sheleft a while ago.

- A while ago? She's not home.

- Melanie, I know you'rein here somewhere.

Come on. Yourpizza's getting warm.

[audience laughs]

You better come on out or else.

Uh-oh, the bag.

[door knocks]

- Webster, do youknow where Melanie is?

- I can't tell you.

- Webster, this is important.Do you know where Melanie is?

Well?- She's in Miami.

[audience laughs]- George!

[bright gentle music]

[audience applauds]

[gentle somber music]

[audience laughs]

Well, where is she?Did they find her?

- Not yet.

Trudy thinks she might be atlittle Barry Penske's house.

- A far cry from Miami.[audience laughs]

- May I be excused?- Yes.

- Darling, he said Miamibecause that's where she said

she was gonna go, to Miami.

- He said Miami because hedoesn't wanna confide in me.

- Oh, Katherine.- No, no, no, no.

He would rather confide in you.

- Darling, I don't think-- No, no, no, no, no.

A chili cheese dogis always easier

to talk to than a lonely swan

swim, swamming, swim, swammingacross a shimmering lake.

[audience laughs]

- Darling, I'msure in Web's mind

a chili cheese dog and a swancan swim in the same lake.

- That's beautiful.- Thank you.

- Not a prettypicture, but beautiful.

[audience laughs]

- I know you mustbe mad at me today.

I guess I did a bad thing.

And I know when you get mad,it's hard to get un-mad.

- He's praying.

- But please, Mel.

- He's praying to Mel?[audience laughs]

- Each in his own way, darling.

[audience laughs]

- Yes, but Mel?[audience laughs]

- I didn't mean to breakmy promise, Melanie.

- Webster.

Is Melanie under that bed?

- [Melanie] No.- Oh, she said no.

[audience laughs]

- I'll get Trudy.

- Okay, Melanie, comeout from under the bed.

Melanie, I'm gonnaask you very nicely

to come out from under the bed,

but if you don'tcome out nicely,

then I'll have toask you un-nicely.

- What did he say?[audience laughs]

- I don't think weunderstood that, George.

- Okay, I'll makeit real simple.

Come out from underthe bed, Melanie.

- Don't look at me.I understood that.

[audience laughs]

- Webster, why isMelanie under the bed?

- It was too hot in Miami?

[audience laughs]

- [Melanie] I'm running away.

- Melanie, running awaydoesn't solve anything.

- [Melanie] Oh, yeah?It worked for Webster.

- All right, Web. Comeon, we gotta talk.

- About what?- About what?

Your best friendis under the bed,

and you wanna know about what?

[audience laughs]

I thought Melanie went to Miami.

- I thought so too.Boy, are we stupid.

[audience laughs]

- Did you tell her to run away?

- I didn't tell her to run away.

I just told her I once ran away.

- And it worked for you.

- All I really saidwas how good it felt

when you came and got me.

- Well, that'svery nice, Webster.

But Katherine andI were very worried

about you that day.

- Yeah, I guess Melanie'smommy is worried about her too.

- She sure is.

When you're littlelike that, you can't-

- [chuckling] Under the bed.

[chuckling] Under the bed.

I walked up and down22 flights of stairs.

I rang every doorbellin this building.

I argued with 18different neighbors

in three different languages.

Two of which I'venever even heard of.

[audience laughs]

And all the time shewas under the bed.

- Will you relax,Trudy? She's fine.

- Oh sure, she'sfine. I'm a dish rag.

[audience laughs]

Well, I'll get her outfrom under that bed.

And believe me, when I do,

I'm giving her apiece of my mind.

- Please, Miss Easton. Don'tgive a piece of your mind.

It wouldn't help.[audience laughs]

[audience claps]

What I mean is she didn'twant you to get upset.

She just wants youto worry a lot.

- Oh, I knew there'dbe a good explanation.

- 'Cause if you worry a lot,

it would mean youstill love her.

- Well, of courseI still love her.

Oh, I better go get my daughter.

- Could I do it? It's sortof my, what do you call it?

- Responsibility?

- Yeah, I'll dust heroff and everything.

[audience laughs]

- Okay.- Come on, Web.

- Oh, what a nice kid.

You have done a wonderful job.

- I have?[audience laughs]

Thank you.

- Well, I'm just so happythat Melanie has a nice boy

like Webster to play with.

Ever since the new baby came,I just haven't had time.

- Um, Trudy, what gamesdo you play with Melanie?

- Games?

- Yeah, I mean, whatare her favorites?

- Oh, favorites. That's simple.

Anything that involvesrunning or mud.

- [laughs] No, Imeant indoor games.

- Those are the indoor games.[audience laughs]

- Katherine, yougotta come in here.

You won't believe this.

- So anyway, therewas this prince.

I think his name was Friedman.

And one day he swim,swam, swim, swam,

down the lake and met a swan.

The prince loved the swan.

- I love the turtle.

- I love the duck. Can we go on?

[audience laughs]

- Then what happened?

- Then the swan swim, swam,swim, swam and run away.

She was crying, "Oh, Prince,

you don't love anymore."

And you shouldn't haverun away, Melanie.

Your mommy loves you.

- Can't even get to left field.

- That's first base, right?[audience laughs]

- The swans shouldn'thave run away either.

- Why not?

- Because the princestill loved her,

and there was ice creamand swan couldn't have any.

- What flavor?[audience laughs]

- Banana Rocky Road.[audience laughs]

- No chocolate?- And chocolate.

- If swan came out,could she have some?

- Yep, but only if shecomes out right now.

- Okay.

Mommy.- Melanie.

- I'm sorry.- Oh, honey.

I was so worried about you.

Thank you, Webster.

Come on, let's goget that ice cream.

- Did you say you had chocolate?

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

- Well, you told the storyof "Swan Lake" very well.

- Thanks, Ma'am.

- Would you like to hearthe ending sometime?

- No.[audience laughs]

But I would liketo dance with you.

- You would?

Why, Webster, tomorrow we'll do

"The Nutcracker Suite" together.

- Thanks, Ma'am.

- Webster, what doyou call George?

- I call him George.

- Right. Why do youcall him George?

- Because it's his name.

[audience laughs]- Right.

Would you like tocall me by my name?

- You mean Katherine?- Yeah.

- No.[audience laughs]

But I can call you Kathy.

- Nobody calls me Kathy.[audience laughs]

- Katie?- Better, but...

- Then can I stillcall you Ma'am?

- Yes, if, if that'swhat you want.

- Yes.

- Well, maybe whenwe're better friends-

- We're better friends now.

- We are?- Sure.

See, I call you Ma'am,

'cause to me it kindof sounds like mom.

[gentle sanguine music]

- Well... [laughs]

Then Ma'am it is.

[bright upbeat music][audience claps]

- Please, George, please.

It would makeMa'am really happy.

- I don't dance, kid.

- I'll be your best friend.[audience laughs]

- Okay, let me see.

- The first one's called a plie.

[audience laughs]

You try it.

- I got bad knees, kid.

[bones crunch][audience laughs]

- All right. Yay.

- You like that, huh?

- Okay, now let'stry an arabesque.

[audience laughs]You try.

[audience laughs]

[claps] Oh, yay.

Okay, let's try a pirouette.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

You try it.

Pretty please? It's for Ma'am.

[audience laughs][Webster chuckles]

- It's a gift.- Try this.

[feet stomping][audience laughs]

[audience claps]

Take it away, George.

[percussive upbeat music][Webster laughs]

[audience laughs and applauds]

[bright upbeat music]

[triumphant orchestral music]