01x22 - Webster Long: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

[PHONE RING]

-Hello.

Oh hi, Timmy.

What?

Wait a minute.

Guys, could you knock it off?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I said, knock it off.

[LAUGH]

[THEME MUSIC]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNORING]

-Sweetheart.

Oh, dream nuggets.

-Mail call!

-Oh, that looks nice.

What's the occasion?

-It's the special-est
day in the world.

You didn't forget.

Did you?
-Of course not.

-Oh, how could we forget?

-What didn't we forget?

-I'll give you a hint.
Birthday.

-Oh, it's his birthday.

-That's impossible.

We forgot his birthday
six months ago.

-Guys.

Guys, it's not my birthday.

It's our birthday.

Today, you've been my Ma'am
and George for one whole year.

-Today is one year?

-Oh yeah, of course.
-Right.

So happy birthday.

-Oh, thank you.

-Happy birthday, champ.

-Sweetheart.

-You're welcome.

You can open it.

That is, unless you want
me to open mine first.

-Yours-- ha ha.

Well, you see, yours
is being fabricated.

I mean, it's being made up.

It's-- it's being made.

-Even as we speak.

-That's OK.

I'm sure it will be ready soon.

You can still open yours.

-OK.

Oh, I love presents.

Oh Webster, that is nice.

-It says my family.
-It sure does.

-Yeah.

Thanks, champ.

-You're welcome.

Well, I got to get
ready for school.

See ya.

I just know my present's a pony.

-George, we've got
to get him something.

-Why don't we make
him something?

I mean, after all,
he made us something.

-I could make him a souffle
or a new wardrobe for Teddy.

No.

-Why don't we make him our son.

-Our what?

-Why don't we make him
our son, Katherine?

Why don't we make it legal?

Why don't we adopt him?

-Adopt?

Oh, that is a major step.

-Oh, what's so major about it?

We've talked about it before.

-Yeah, but that would mean
that-- that he's our son.

That we would take full
responsibility for nurturing

him, educating him,
feeding him, clothing him.

-All the things we're doing now.
-Right.

Right.

This could be a big
gift for us all.

George, why don't we have a
party and announce it there.

-Guys, I found this ribbon.

I think it will look great
on my present's ears.

Oh, and about the party--
could you made it a surprise?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-OK, everybody.

One, two, three--
-Surprise!

-Thanks, guys.

I just love surprises.

-More champagne.

-Oh no, thank you.

-No, thank you.

-Chipped beef on toast?

-No, thanks.

-I made it myself.

-Maurice, it's not
polite to impose.

The broad said no.

-Thank you.

-George, my batteries are dead.

-Oh, I didn't even
know they were sick.

[LAUGH]

Oh, all right.

I'll get batteries.

No one has a sense
of humor anymore.

-Ma'am?
-Mhm.

-Is Uncle Phillip coming?

-Well, I sent a
telegram to New York.

But, you know, he's
doing a show every night,

so I really don't know, honey.

[DOORBELL]

-Maybe that's him.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

-Hi, Webster.

This is for you.
-Thank you.

What is it?

-A mold, Jell-o
and chicken livers.

-You put chicken livers
in a Jell-o mold?

-You don't?

-Testing, testing.

Here we go.

-Uh, can I introduce everybody?
-It's your show.

-Thank you.
-All right.

Here you go, my darling.

-OK.

First, I would like to
introduce my George.

[CHEERING]

-No, I don't want
to speak right now.

I'll speak later.

-Oh.

Well, then allow me my memoir.

You see, I never
really liked children.

I wasn't really very fond
of myself when I was a tot.

But Webster is more
fun than I ever was.

He taught me how
to laugh at myself,

though that doesn't
come up very often.

And well, Webster, you're a fine
boy and a fine, fine friend.

-Thanks, Jerry.

I love you.

-I love you, too.

-That was beautiful.

-I just love Webster.

And because of Webster, I have
grown to know a wonderful woman

named Katherine, who
has taught me so much.

Before I met her, I thought
I had to be the perfect wife,

the perfect mother, the
perfect housekeeper.

But Katherine has shown me
that any fool can do it.

-Thank you, Trudy.

-Well, what are friends for?

-OK.

Announcement time, here.

Announcement time, darling.

OK Webster, front and center.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Webster, my boy,
our present to you

is uh-- is a family present.

And it's not just for you,
it's-- it's for all of us.

We're going to be
together for a long time.

Through sickness
and health, and--

-Are we getting married?

-Well, kind of.

Ma'am and I love you very much.

And we'd like to make
this family official.

We want to adopt you.

-You do?

-Are you happy about
that, sweetheart?

-I'm nuts!

[MURMURING]

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Does that mean no pony?

-Oh, I'm your pony.

I've always been.

[CHEERING]

[DOORBELL]

-We'll get it.

We will get it.

Hi ho, George!

-Hey!

-Phillip!

-How you doing?

Come here, guy.

-Look everybody,
my Uncle Phillip.

-Oh, Phillip.

I'm so glad you could get here.

-Kid, how could I not be here
after what that telegram said.

-How are you?

Are you a big hit?

I missed you.

-Oh, I missed you too.

-We're have a great
time here at the party.

And I didn't get a
pony except for George.

And Ma'am and George
want to adopt me.

-Uh, yeah.

Um, yeah.

I-- I-- I-- I know, little man.

That's why I'm here.

You see, uh, I want
to adopt you too.

-Yay!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-I just wish we'd explained
things to Webster last night.

-I did explain things to
him last night, darling.

Don't worry.

Everything's going
to be all right.

-Hi, guys.

Great party last night.

Everyone came, even
my Uncle Phillip.

And he wants to adopt us,
and we can all live together.

Boy, am I hungry.

Do we have any lima beans?

-Everything going
to be all right, hm?

Hm, hm?

-Hey Web, come here.

-Problem?

-No, no, no, no, not a problem.

More of a explanation.

-Problem.

-You see, honey.

Um, George and I and Uncle
Phillip want to adopt you.

-Pretty popular, huh?

-Yes, you are.

But we can't all live together.

-Why not?

I love all of you guys.
-Yeah.

Well, we know you love
all of us guys, but-- see,

a choice has to be made.

And you can't be legally
adopted by two families.

-That's not fair.

-Hey.
-Webster.

[DOORBELL]
You see.

He doesn't understand.

-Good news.

Good news.

Good news.

-Well, we would use some.

-Baumgarten versus Flegel,
O'Leary versus Jefferson,

and Arnold Stang versus the
Ritz brothers-- uh, no relation.

They all had the same
circumstances as you,

and every one of them won
custody of their godchild.

-Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

What are you talking about?

-I lunched with Byron
Workoff, Esquire.

And he said that
every one of them

had the same circumstances.

He gave me the facts,
and here it is.

Uncle Phillip doesn't
have a chance.

Webster is yours.

-Workoff said that?

-Uh huh, he certainly did.

-Oh.
-Oh, Jerry, Jerry.

I love you for this.

Don't you ever tell
anyone I did that.

-Shall we pick out
some furniture?

I know this marvelous Indian.
He makes throw pillows.

[CHUCKLE]

[DOORBELL]

-Hello, Katherine.

-Phillip, won't you come in.

-Well, I guess I'd
better be going.

Phillip, I wish I had
betters news for you.

[CHUCKLE]

-Uh, won't you sit down?

-Thank you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Why are you trying to take
Webster away from us, Phillip?

-George, he's my
nephew, my blood.

-We shook hands once, Phillip.

Remember?

You said your brother
made a good choice

giving Webster to
Katherine and me.

-He did make a good choice then.

But this is now.

-Well, how are you
going to raise him,

traveling from city the
city and show to show?

-I uh-- I quit show
business, Katherine.

It just-- it just
didn't fill me up.

And Webster does.

And-- and I want my nephew.

I want my brother's son.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-I'd-- I'd like to
see him now, if I may.

-Oh come on, Phillip.

He's confused enough as it is.

I, uh, promised Webster I'd
come by to see him today.

Now, may I-- may
I see him, please?

-He's in his room, Phillip.

-Excuse me.

May I come in?
-OK.

But Ma'am and George
can't because I

don't like them anymore.

-Aw, come on, baby.

Now-- now that's not true.

-It is true.

They said that we all
can't live together,

and that two families
can't adopt me.

-They're right, you know.
-For real?

-Yeah.

-I don't like you, either.

[LAUGH]

-I bet you do.
Come on.

How about giving
us a big hug, huh?

-No.
-No?

[GROWL]

-Then, I'm going to get ya.

-Oh no, you won't.

-Oh yes, I am.

[GROWL]

-[SINGING] You'll
never get away from me.

You can climb the highest tree.

I'll be there somehow.
-Uncle Phillip.

-What?

-I don't feel like doing
a big number right now.

I'm too mad.

-Take a look at me.

Take a good look.

Now, who do you see?

-My Uncle Phillip.

-Yeah.

That's right, baby.

But-- but who else?

Now, look closer.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-My daddy.

-Yes baby, your daddy.

And that's exactly what I want
to be to you, is your daddy.

You see, it's like-- it's like
your great, great grandfather

used to say.

We're all apples grown from
the same beautiful apple tree.

A family-- sown, grown,
and harvested together.

-Wow.

I'm not sure what that means,
but it sure sounds nice.

[LAUGH]

-You know, your great
aunt, Elizabeth,

used to say the same thing.

Puffing on her pipe, she'd--
she'd-- take it all in.

And then she'd fall asleep.
Watch, like this.

[SNORING]

-I had a great aunt
who smoked a pipe?

-Yeah.

Yeah, you did.

And that's only part of it.

You see, I want to
share this with you.

I want to share everything.

I want to give you
your heritage, baby.

See, we're the only
family we got left.

You and me, we're the
um-- last of the apples,

last of the harvest.

We're blood, and we--
we need to be together.

You and me.

-And what's going
to happen to me?

-Oh, you'll be fine, honey.

You'll be fine.

-Are you sure?

-Does a bear s--
sleep in the woods?

[LAUGH]
-Nothing, baby.

You'll be fine.

But-- but in the meanwhile,
what do you say you and I get

to know each other just
a little better, huh?

Oh, that's what I've
been waiting for.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh, look.

Thank you, very much.

Look, don't get up, please.

I'll-- I'll show myself out.

-He looked awfully happy.

-Yeah, too awfully happy.

-I'm going to call our lawyer.

-I have a better
idea, Katherine.

-George.

George, what are you doing
with that jardiniere?

-I'm going to throw it over the
terrace and hit Uncle Phillip.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Don't worry, darling.

The ball game isn't over.

-Hi, guys.

Did you go to the ball game?

KATHERINE: Hi.

-Who's playing?

-Would you go to your room
for a minute, Webster?

-Do I have to?

-Yeah.

-Right, I'm the kid.

-Byron Workoff, my asteroid.

-I beg your pardon?
-Your lawyer.

He's a charlatan, a
quack, and a hairdresser.

-So what you're saying
is that your lawyer

disagreed with
Byron's assessment.

-Phillip is a blood
relative, and blood relatives

have a big advantage
in cases like ours.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-I'm sorry, George.

-It's all right.

[CRYING]

-Here you are, darling.

-Thank you.

-Ma'am, are you crying?

Is it because of me?

-No.

No, darling.

It's because of us,
two people who never

thought they'd be
a family of three.

-What kind of family
did you think you'd be?

-Well, just uh,
Katherine and me.

You know-- right, Katherine.

And we never thought
we'd have time for kids.

-And then, what happened?

-Well, then came you.

And our whole world
turned around.

-And then, what happened?

-Well um, then I started
going to toy stores

by myself, just
for the fun of it.

And I-- I really loved
this wind-up dog.

I mean, they're amazing.

One little half turn, and he
just wags his tail for hours.

Back and forth.
Back and forth.

Back and forth.

So much fun.

-Yeah, I know.

You see, what Ma'am
is trying to say is--

-I know what she's
trying to say.

I love you guys, but I also
love my Uncle Phillip too.

-We know that.

[DOORBELL]

-George, may I speak to
you a minute, please?

-Sure.

-George-- hello, Katherine.

George, my lawyers tell me you
guys have a pretty strong case.

-Yeah, I understand you do too.

-Yeah, I know.

And I tell you, for Webster's
sake, I think one of us

should back off.

-Well thank you, Phillip.

You're a good man.

-Actually George, I was hoping
you guys would back off.

-Phillip, you're real crazy.

You know that?

Phil, you come dancing in here.

You disrupt that
little boy's life,

and then you want
us to back down.

-Wait a minute.

You think I'm
disrupting his life?

-Yes.
-Yes.

-You know, maybe you're right.

I never thought
about it that way.

Is he here?

-He's in his room.

-Webster.

-Hi, Uncle Phillip.

-Hi, honey.

Come here.

Sit here, baby.

Honey, you know, George,
Katherine, and I-- we--

we love you, very much.

You understand that, don't you?

OK.

Now, I want you to listen.

I want you to listen
very closely because what

I'm about to say
is very important.

If my being here is
making you unhappy,

if it's making you hurt
inside, you just say the word.

And I'm out of here.

You tell me, baby, and I'll go.

-But I don't want you to go.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-I'm going to have to
stay and fight, George.

-Well, we're going to have
to fight too, Phillip.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC]