♪ Everybody calls me Sad Sack
♪ I hear it all day long
♪ Though I try to do the right thing
♪ It always turns out wrong
♪ Everybody calls me Sad Sack
♪ Sad Sack
♪ Including my best gal
♪ I drop my ashes all over her clothes
♪ And I misplace her keys
♪ Then, for forgiveness, I send her a rose
♪ And roses always make her sneeze
♪ Ah-choo
♪ The lamp is so bright,
I pull out the plug
♪ Her arms then open to give me a hug
♪ I run to kiss her and trip on the rug
♪ I'm the genuine, original
♪ First edition copy of Sad Sack
♪ Sad Sack ♪
BIXBY: Hey, fellas.
There's a couple of seats right here.
DOLAN: There he was.
Clear-eyed, pink-cheeked,
open-faced.
The boy next door.
The kind of a man you
want your sister to marry.
The last guy in the world
you'd suspect of being
the kiss of death.
Thanks, bud. That's okay.
You guys goin' back to Calhoun, too, huh?
Did you have a nice time
with your three-day pass
in New Orleans? I bet it was pretty tough
leavin' that redhead, huh?
You been tailin' us?
No, just simple deductive reasoning,
that's all.
There's a three-day pass in his pocket,
and you didn't get that red hair here
from shakin' hands with her. (LAUGHING)
Hey, this guy's got brains.
A brain. That's a good thing to have.
I'm Wenaslawsky, this is Dolan.
Hi, chum.
Hi, chum. Hi.
(CHUCKLES) Well, would you guys
like to k*ll some time?
I got some reading matter here.
Just out.
Yeah? What do you got?
(SOFTLY) I'm on the w*r
Department mailing list.
Yeah?
Small Arms Fire in the Mechanized Platoon.
Establishing Beachhead with Air Support.
I think you'll like this one.
Field Sanitation, Digging and Maintenance.
With pictures?
Oh, yeah, lots of 'em.
Now, this one is just out.
You'll like this.
And I learned it all by heart.
Long Range Weapons, Radar Controlled.
You memorized that?
Sure, I did. Would you care to check me?
You memorized it, huh?
Yeah, I learned it all by heart.
Recite me the final wiring assembly
for the f*ring mechanism
on the R-2 rapid-fire cannon.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"The R-2. To complete the f*ring mechanism
"on the R-2 rapid-fire cannon,
"connect the wiring assembly
in the following order.
"F-7 to B-5, T-12 to C-4,
"M-6 to P-13, A-16 to D-21, D-21..."
Okay, okay, okay!
We'll skip a couple of pages
and go to the last line.
"Double-S 005 to Double-S 006,
which completes the assembly."
Right? Right.
Now, in the next paragraph,
you'll find there's a very interesting...
Okay, okay, soldier. Take 10. We're b*at.
Oh, okay. Well, why don't you guys
take a little snooze, and I'll
wake you up when we get to Calhoun.
Here, why don't you get comfortable?
Put your feet up here.
Go ahead, get comfortable.
Just put your feet up.
Oh, Dolan. Yeah.
I'll be very quiet when I turn the pages.
Thanks.
DOLAN: Hmm.
Oh, would you like some hot milk?
Huh? From the diner.
Hot milk always makes me sleep.
We were asleep.
You woke us up.
Oh, I'm sorry.
But now that you're awake,
would you like some hot milk?
All we want is quiet!
Shh!
CONDUCTOR: Tickets! Tickets!
Shh!
CONDUCTOR: Tickets!
Coffee?
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
(SIGHS)
(CRIES OUT)
(SCREECHING)
(ALL YELLING)
What happened?
Well, the light was in your eyes,
and I got up there to fix it, see?
Why, you... I stepped up...
Well, wait a minute. I was just...
Now, you stay there!
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
(MOANS)
Hey, what time is it?
A little after 6:00.
I thought we were due in Calhoun at 4:15.
Oh, we were there, and right on time.
We were there? Yeah.
CONDUCTOR: Memphis! Memphis!
Memphis? What is this?
Why didn't you wake us up?
Well, I thought you guys
were still mad at me,
and you were sleepin' so peacefully...
(ANGRILY) Why, I ought to...
We both ought to,
but he's government property.
Memphis! Next stop, Memphis!
BIXBY: (FLUSTERED) Wa-wait.
Wait a second.
Wa-wait.
But Major, what makes this
man Bixby so important?
Oh, it's not Bixby himself, sir,
it's... It's really more
what Bixby represents.
You see, each year there
are thousands of Bixbys
inducted into the army.
Left-footers who are always out of step
with our training program.
You do agree that it's a serious problem,
don't you, sir?
Oh, was I staring?
You'll have to forgive me.
You're quite a departure
from the usual run of majors.
General Vanderlip,
I happen to hold my master's degree
in social science.
At the time that I was
offered my commission,
I also happened to be senior consultant
at the Manhattan Institute
for Psychological Research.
I don't doubt your qualifications.
Thank you, sir.
And now, about Bixby. Cigarette?
No, thank you.
If you'll notice, this graph represents
the last 17 months
of Private Bixby's service record.
A steadily declining
pattern, as you can see.
That's because Private Bixby
was at first in the Field a*tillery.
He was then transferred
to the Signal Corps,
and from there he was transferred again
to a t*nk battalion.
However, when he lost a t*nk, we decided...
Lost a t*nk?
Yes, sir. He, um, he was sent out one day
to camouflage it,
and... we never found it again.
And so the tankers transferred
him to the infantry.
Yes, sir. Fort MacArthur.
And this part will amaze you.
Well, you can see here,
there's a definite rise in the graph.
That's because Private Bixby demonstrated
an unbelievable mechanical aptitude.
General, Private Bixby
single-handedly reassembled
a rapid-fire remote
control anti-t*nk cannon.
Lost a t*nk.
And this sudden drop?
He didn't know it was loaded.
Blew up two garbage trucks in the
center of Los Angeles, 30 miles away.
Apparently this Bixby is quite a sad sack.
Yes, sir, he... He is that, indeed.
Well, you see,
that's why Washington has selected him
for this psychological experiment.
General, there'll always be a Bixby.
But we feel that if we can make a soldier
out of a man with...
with that kind of record,
well, it'll pave the way
for the Bixbys of tomorrow.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Yes?
This is the information you wanted, sir.
Company B of the 345th battalion
has the best training record.
According to its commanding officer,
his best potential squad
leader is Corporal Dolan.
With your permission, sir,
I'd like to speak to the corporal.
I'll have him report immediately, sir.
Excuse me, is Major Shelton here?
Soldier, come here. What do you want?
Uh, I'm Private Bixby.
I was told to report to Major Shelton.
Is he in?
Yes, she's in.
Right through that door.
Thank... She's in?
Yes, right through the door.
No, I was told to report to Major Shelton.
That's right. She's right in there.
BIXBY: She's...
(DOOR OPENS)
Well?
Pri-Private Bixby.
Oh, Private Bixby.
Of course. I've been waiting for you.
Oh, thank you.
(CHUCKLES) You are a she.
He said you're a she,
and you're a she if I ever saw one.
Private Bixby reporting, ma'am.
At ease, Private,
and welcome to Camp Calhoun.
Thank you very much,
and I apologize, ma'am.
It's just that I never
saw a girl major before.
West Point?
No, the Manhattan Institute
for Psychological Research.
Why don't you sit down? Oh.
No, not there. Over there. Yes, thank you.
Oh.
You know somethin' funny?
You remind me of my sister.
(CHUCKLES) She's also very pretty.
Oh, well, thank you.
Except she's...
(HESITATINGLY) She doesn't have, uh...
You know.
Yes, I know.
Um, Private, why don't you
make yourself more comfortable?
Lie down.
To tell you the truth, Major,
I'm not very tired.
Lie down, Private. I'll bring you a pillow.
Thank you.
Now... Isn't that better?
(BIXBY CHUCKLES)
I hardly even know you, Major.
Well, you see,
our getting to know each other better
is why you're here.
We like to extend a personal welcome
to our new men here at Camp Calhoun,
Sort of have them get to know us
and give us a chance to get to know them.
That's very nice. Ohh.
Why don't you relax?
(HESITATINGLY) Well,
to tell you the truth, Major,
you're a girl and I'm a boy,
and-and according to the army training film
number 6235... Oh!
But I only want to ask you a few questions.
Oh, okay.
Now, Private Bixby,
how do you like the army?
Up to now it's been pretty dull.
No, I mean, how do you really like it?
Oh, I-I like it.
I-I like the army.
(STUTTERING) I like...
I like... I really like...
I like the army.
Have you been happy in it? No.
Why not?
(SIGHS) Well, I guess because every time
I get settled and happy, I get transferred.
And you feel that there might be
something personal about this.
Oh, no. No, on the contrary.
As a matter of fact,
Everyone is very sad when I leave.
My last commanding officer
was in tears when I left.
What about friends?
Do you feel that you've made many friends?
(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah. Oh, yeah.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Oh, I made a lot of... lot of...
Oh, I got... I made a lot of friends.
How many? One.
A friend of mine, a real close buddy,
in the Field a*tillery.
We were very close,
very, very good buddies,
Until one day I sh*t his
toe off accidentally,
and that kind of cooled things a little.
Then there was the sergeant
in the Signal Corps.
Yes? No, he hates me.
Come to think of it,
I haven't made many friends at all.
I guess it's because I'm
always being transferred.
Well, of course, that is possible.
Let's... Let's talk about your family.
Um, do you have any brothers or sisters?
Oh, yeah, I have four sisters. All girls.
How do you get along with them?
Oh, fine.
Uh, what about your mother and father?
Oh, I have one of each.
No, no, no. I mean,
how do you get along with them?
I imagine they're very fond of
you, aren't they?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, they are.
As a matter of fact,
my mother's always saying,
(IMITATING HIS MOTHER) "Meredith,
We're very fond of you."
She always says that.
What about your father?
Would you say that you and your father
are very good pals?
Oh, yeah. Oh, sure, we're pals.
My father always says,
(IMITATING HIS FATHER)
"Well, I wanted a son,
"and I've got one."
That's his favorite expression.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Excuse the interruption,
Major, but I had to meet
this young man who loses tanks.
Oh, at ease.
Thank you very much, sir.
(NERVOUSLY) It-It's a... (CLEARS THROAT)
It's a strange thing about,
uh, that t*nk disappearing, uh, because...
Oh, uh...
Excuse me, sir,
but there's a loose thread hanging.
(CHUCKLES) We can't have, uh...
We can't have generals walking around
with a loose thread.
Buckled... a little.
Just straighten that out.
And we...
Uh, it was hanging.
I thought that it shouldn't
be good to hang...
On a general. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Schultz!
What goes here?
Why haven't you got that truck loaded yet?
Well, I've been askin' them to hurry.
You don't ask 'em, you tell 'em!
When I was soldiering in
Panama, it was a...
How long those two been here?
All morning, I guess.
You guess?
Wait a minute.
(CHUCKLES) Morning, Sergeant. Morning, huh?
Don't you feel well?
You sounded kind of weak
at reveille this morning. Hangover?
Now, don't start that, fellas.
I called both your names nice and loud,
and I didn't hear either of you answer.
He didn't hear us.
Well, I told you we should've shouted it.
That's right, Larry, you did.
"Shout," you said.
I distinctly remember that.
All right, fellas, all right!
But one of these days,
I'm gonna get you two!
Private Bixby reporting for duty, sir.
Hi, fellas.
I was told to find the first sergeant.
Well, you found him. If you're reporting,
why weren't you here for reveille?
Oh, well, you don't understand, sir.
I'm not due to report until tomorrow.
I came on a train with them.
Did you hear that? A day early.
Now, that's the kind of
soldier we need in...
You came on the train with them?
Yes, sir. What time?
BIXBY: Oh, uh, let me see.
I think we left Memphis about 6:30.
Thanks, son.
You were right, fellas.
You should've shouted.
Memphis is 90 miles away!
We'd have been here, Sarge,
but that walkin' field manual
forgot to wake us up.
Oh, he forgot to wake you up.
Now, won't that sound
nice at the court martial!
Wait a minute, Sergeant, really.
It wasn't their fault.
I have to take all the blame.
Look, Bixby, don't front for these guys.
They're not worth it. Come on, you two!
Boo!
Thank you.
Fellas, wait for me.
Oh, come on, Sarge,
give us a break, will ya?
(SHOUTS) Who's drivin' this truck?
Give us a...
Hey! Get this truck outta here!
Bixby, move this truck.
What? Move the truck!
Oh, well, Sergeant,
I don't think I know how...
Move it!
Well, sir, I don't think you understand...
That's an order! Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
DOLAN: Sarge, I'm tellin' you.
We did everything we could.
WENASLAWSKY: This guy was
supposed to wake us up
on the train. No kidding.
(OFFICERS CONTINUE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
DOLAN: Oh, come on, Sarge,
you can't do a thing like that to us.
Boy, what a guy you are.
OFFICER: Ain't that sad
sack from on the train?
WENASLAWSKY: You can ask him now.
I'm tellin' you, he told us...
DOLAN: Look, Sarge,
you can't do this to us.
Just for once in your life, be a good guy.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(REVVING)
Let me see.
Now wait a minute, Sergeant.
"For being AWOL..."
That guy said he was gonna wake us...
You're trying to pull a
fast one on your poor,
stupid old sergeant.
Extra duty every night
for the next three weeks.
Oh, listen, Sarge.
Ask Bixby, he'll tell you.
And for sinking so low as to take
a nice, innocent kid like Bixby
and try and use him to
cover up your shenanigans,
extra duty for another three weeks.
(RUMBLING)
Hey, Sarge, I...
(NERVOUSLY) Oh.
Uh, Sarge, I'd like to report
a mistake in the truck manual.
The hoist button is where
the starter button ought to be.
We could've told you, Sarge.
All right, Bixby.
I want every piece of
gravel out of this jeep,
motor and all.
Start shovelin'! Yes, sir.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
And you two help him!
(LAUGHTER FADING)
And I'll just sit right here and watch.
Now, hit it!
Here you are, Stan. Here you are, Larry.
Let's give those old muscles a workout!
Ah, let him do his share first.
CORPORAL: Hey, Dolan. Yeah.
Report to division headquarters.
Major Shelton.
Oh, isn't that too bad?
Just a minute, Dolan.
Get me outta here first.
Sorry, Sarge. Major callin'.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
(WOLF WHISTLE)
Maybe you can tell me why it is that fans
always tilt too much or not at all.
Let me fix that for you, baby.
What?
Oh. Thank you.
(GRUNTS) No trouble.
You know, honey,
you're too pretty to be a mechanic.
You need a man around to...
(NERVOUSLY) You, honey... Um...
I mean, you, sir.
I mean, uh, you, uh...
At ease, Corporal.
Sit down.
Corporal, there's something
I want you to do for me.
Well, sit down.
Now, it's strictly voluntary,
and you can say yes or
no exactly as you please.
Well, I wouldn't say no.
(CHUCKLES) What is it?
It concerns an experiment
which the army is undertaking.
Uh, it's a kind of salvage job.
Making good soldiers out
of congenital inferiors.
Huh?
Goof-offs. Oh.
I want you to take one of these men
and see if you can do something with him.
Well, anything to help.
The army.
Uh, who is it?
Bixby. Private Meredith C. Bixby.
Bixby?
Bye-bye, Major. See you around the PX.
Why? Have you met him?
Twice, and that's enough for a lifetime.
Corporal Dolan,
I also have met Private Bixby,
and I feel that potentially
he is a very good soldier.
The fact that he's been
misunderstood in the past...
Aren't you being overly sentimental, Major?
Sentimental?
Yes. After all, you are a woman.
Corporal Dolan,
it happens to be my job to evaluate people.
At the time I was offered my commission,
I happened to be senior consultant
at the Manhattan Institute
for Psychological Research.
But still a woman.
About Private Bixby.
Now, of course,
if you really think he's a hopeless case,
I wouldn't dream of asking
you to accept this assignment.
Well, I wouldn't say he's hopeless.
Um, he is eager.
I think he'd be willing to learn.
As an example, in 17 months,
Private Bixby has not
qualified with the r*fle.
Now, that may be just what he needs
to give him a sense of accomplishment.
Well, it, uh, it wouldn't be a cinch.
It'd probably take all of my spare time.
Then you'll accept the assignment?
Anything to help the army.
Wonderful. Thank you, Corporal.
Hey, guess who's gonna bunk between us?
It ain't against army regulations
to dream, is it? Who?
Bixby.
Typhoid Meredith? I fixed it.
You fixed it?
Stanley, we have just latched
onto the softest touch
in the whole United States Army.
We're gonna teach Bixby
how to be a soldier.
You've got combat fatigue.
Don't you get it? He's our pigeon.
If anything goes wrong, he gets the blame.
If anybody starts
throwing extra duty at us,
we refer 'em to our darlin' major.
(SHOUTS) Darlin' major?
Lawrence!
The major is a girl.
Now, tonight, instead of massaging
the jeep for the sergeant,
we're gonna teach Bixby
how to assemble the M-1.
(GROANS) Oh,
a night in the barracks with that guy!
Does it have to be the barracks?
Maybe someplace with a
nice musical background.
Oh. Come on, let's go.
(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT LAUGHING AND TALKING)
Japan, Korea, Iceland,
but to me, there's nothing like a
fresh, wholesome American girl.
That's what I always say.
Yeah, every time.
Oh, Larry,
if I only thought you were sincere.
Sincere? Oh, baby.
A man spends his life
searching for something.
He doesn't know what it is.
And then one day,
he looks into a pair of bottomless pools,
and suddenly the search is over.
He's found paradise.
"And if the w*apon is
not to be used at once,
"It is imperative that the safety
"be firmly set into position."
Hello, soldier. Got a match?
(NERVOUSLY) Uh... well, I don't know.
Oh, there's one.
Yes, ma'am. At your service.
I'm very happy to oblige.
(HESITATINGLY) Say, uh, ma'am, um...
I was just wondering,
would you like to dance with me?
Well, we haven't been properly introduced,
but I guess it'd be all right.
(BOOK DROPS)
Hey, Larry, when the safety catch is on,
is it forward or back?
Back. Thank you.
Well, thank you very much.
What?
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
Would you like a soft drink?
Martini. (TAPS ON BAR)
Martini, please, soft.
Hey, Joe.
Ain't that Millie?
Yeah.
So you stayed home with your
sick grandmother tonight.
So I exercised the prerogative
of changing my mind.
If you don't like it,
take it up with my escort.
Oh, you can have her back now.
I-I was just using her for a few minutes.
Steal my girl and make jokes.
Look, buster...
What's the trouble, buddy?
What's the trouble?
No trouble. Butt out.
Look, he's with us. We wouldn't
want anything to happen to him.
Nothing's gonna happen to him, except this!
(BOTH GRUNT)
DOLAN: No!
(WOMEN SCREAM)
I learned that in a judo manual.
(GRUNTING)
(SHOUTS) Ooh!
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS)
(WOMEN SCREAM)
(SCREAMING)
Excuse me, ma'am.
(GRUNTS)
Oh!
That's in the judo manual, too.
Oh, no!
MAN: Ah! Whoa!
BIXBY: Oh! (GASPS)
(CHUCKLES) (WHISTLE BLOWING)
Oh, wait.
COP: What's goin' on here?
All right. Break it up.
Come here! BIXBY: Oh!
COP: Come on outside. Outside, come on.
Come on, come on.
Move it! Come on!
Get out of here!
I'll take care of these two guys.
They need you over there!
You know the way back to the
camp, don't you?
Sure. I'll just follow any army car.
And remember, our barracks number is D-362.
I know it's 362.
Oh, there's one!
(WHISPERS) Hey, Dolan. (DOLAN GASPS)
Hey, Stan. Stan.
Hey, keep it quiet, fellas.
Pulley's a light sleeper. Come on.
(SNORING)
(WHISPERS) He's sleepin' like a baby.
(WHISPERS) Hey, fellas.
Schultz uses nail polish on his toe nails.
(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)
Okay, roll out. On your feet.
(CLAPS) Make it snappy.
(GROANING)
(YAWNS) Oh, them boys.
Ooh. Roll out.
(GROANS)
I don't think I can
stand much more of this.
WOMAN 1: I don't either. WOMAN 2: Oh, boy.
Hey, new recruits.
Must have come in during the night.
Reveille.
(SNORES)
Get up, sister.
Oh! Whoo! Get up, gal.
Come on, get up.
(GROANS)
(SHOWERS RUNNING)
WOMAN: Hey, pick up the soap, Mabel.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Larry, do we have any girls in our platoon?
Yeah, yeah. Thousands of 'em.
Didn't you know the army
had gone co-educational?
(FRANTICALLY) No, no, no.
Larry. It's just not right.
We-we can't take a shower while they do.
We-we can't take a shower while they do.
(WOMEN SCREAM)
Come on, let's get outta here!
We're in the WAC barracks!
WENASLAWSKY: (SHOUTS) What?
BIXBY: Uh-oh, Captain Blye!
(SCREAMING)
Come on, come on, let's get out of here!
Sarge, there were men in here!
They were right there in the shower.
Men! Huh?
Are you sure?
I've got two brothers.
I can tell the difference.
WOMAN: Hey, Sarge! Look! Pants.
Well, there's nobody under there.
BLYE: Any of you girls know
how these men got here?
Don't look at me, Sarge.
I'm from Philadelphia.
(LAUGHS)
BLYE: You know anything about
this, Donnelly?
DONNELLY: (SARCASTICALLY)
Okay, Sarge, you got me.
You see, I'm sittin' in this
corner booth at the PX last night,
and those two generals
and a colonel come up
and ask me what I'm doin' later.
(ALL LAUGH) BLYE: Don't get smart.
Now, these men had to have
some help to get in here.
(SHOUTS) Who's responsible for this?
What's all the excitement?
Three soldiers slept here last night.
(GROANS) Oh,
everything happens when I'm on furlough.
Hey, where are they? We don't know.
They must have gotten away.
Wait a minute.
They didn't pass me,
and they couldn't be wandering
round the area in their shorts.
They must still be around here.
Split up and look into everything
that might be a place to hide.
DOLAN: Psst. Psst. Hey.
Hey. We got one chance.
Scoot the bed over by the door.
We'll get out of here
before they recognize us.
Oh, and pull down the blanket.
(WHISPERS) Hey hey, hey, Sarge, look.
(WOMEN LAUGH)
Thank you. Are you the house mother?
No!
Oh, I didn't think you were.
Sarge, shall I go get the MPs?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, no. I've got a better idea.
Get over in the corner
and put your clothes on!
You too! On the double! BIXBY: Yeah.
Come on, on the double! Get movin'!
Go on, get a move on!
Hurry up! (WOMEN LAUGH)
Come on, girls, have a look.
Ha! This is supposed
to be the stronger sex.
This is very embarrassing.
WOMAN 1: Hey, the chubby one's kinda cute.
WOMAN 2: Oh,
I like the one with the knobby knees!
WOMAN 3: Oh, they're all...
They're all kinda cute.
When you get to the r*fle
range, report to Captain Ward.
Right.
I don't believe it.
BLYE: Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two, three, four. (MEN CHEERING)
Hut, two...
(ALL YELLING)
PULLEY: Shut up!
Hut, two, three, platoon, halt!
At ease.
These are the men that
Captain Saunders called about.
Well, thank you, Sergeant.
We'll take care of 'em.
You three girls step out.
BLYE: Ten-hut!
Forward!
March! Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two, three, four.
Don't be strangers now.
WOMAN: Drop in anytime.
Yeah, we will. Good-bye.
Nice seein' ya. So long.
They're... They're really...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Now, why did you fellas
stay away all night?
You know how I worry.
(SHOUTS) If you wanted to join the WACs,
Why didn't you put in for 'em?
Oh, well, we couldn't do that, Sergeant.
You see, according to the
w*r Department regulations...
Quiet! Yes, sir.
You two got anything to say?
Is one enough, Sarge?
One's all I got.
I'll have to owe you one.
Thank you.
He trusts me.
Sergeant, I'll have to take
complete responsibility
for this unfortunate episode. You see...
Fifty push-ups!
Yes, sir. Thank you. You're very lenient.
another sergeant would...
Now! Yes, he wants it now.
Yeah. Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Ladies, I accept your resignation.
But that ain't all that's
gonna happen to ya.
You know that cushy assignment in Morocco
we all been droolin' about?
Well, we got our orders.
But you two can tear up your travel folders
'cause you ain't goin'!
Aw, Elmer, you can't do this to us.
We got us a phone number over there.
Yeah, Casablanca, sank,
quarter, neff, neff.
A couple of snake dancers,
but from very good families.
Well, I'll personally extend my regrets.
The fact that I hate you has
got nothin' to do with it.
MAN: Hey, Dolan! Yeah?
Major Shelton wants to see you.
There goes the other stripe.
BIXBY: ...Hundred and one,
hundred and two...
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
Good morning, Corporal.
Good morning, Major.
Major, before you say a word,
I wanna tell you that that Bixby is...
Bixby is what I wanna ask you about.
How are you getting
along with his training?
Well, you can take that Bixby and...
You mean you don't know?
Know about what?
About his training?
Oh, uh, he's fine. Fine.
Oh, good. I was just beginning
to prepare my weekly report to
Washington on Private Bixby.
Is there any favorable
progress that I can include?
Well, now,
I saw him do a demonstration of judo
that just made an MP flip.
Oh, he didn't.
Yes, he did,
and as far as his push-ups are concerned,
why, that boy never stops.
Corporal, you don't know
how happy you've made me.
You don't know how happy you've made me.
MAJOR SHELTON: Is something wrong?
Are those shoes regulation?
(SHEEPISHLY) Oh.
Oh, well, I'm having the others...
I'm having the others half-soled.
Oh. Yes.
Congratulations, Corporal.
You're really beginning to give Meredith
a sense of belonging, of being accepted.
That's important, eh?
Well, it's...
It's the most important
thing in the whole world,
the feeling of being wanted.
Well, according to...
According to Professor Adler
and even to Freud to some extent,
the feeling of being needed
is one of the most basic human emotions.
Yeah. Adler, Freud, and Dolan.
We all feel the same.
Yes. Of course, I'm sure you've heard
of the classic experiment at Zurich.
That's the one where they established
that even mice responded
to impulses of affection.
They were right. Rats, too.
You know, even Sergeant Pulley's
got a girl that likes him.
(SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) Oh, of course.
Well, affection or, uh,
the feeling of being needed,
or love, no matter what words you use,
the effect on the human ego
is still the same.
I'd like to call it love.
Love? Well, yes, "love" is one of those
kind of catch-all...
words that...
that seem to apply...
Well, in other words, the...
general emotional factors involved...
Don't... (CHUCKLES) don't seem
to be overwhelmed by the...
You've got the most beautiful blue eyes
in the entire division.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
What's that? What?
That sound. (RINGING CONTINUES)
Love. It makes bells ring even for mice.
Remember Zurich?
(RINGING CONTINUES)
That's the telephone.
Major Shelton speaking.
Oh, yes, Captain Saunders.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, I see.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, they didn't.
(CHUCKLES) Ah, yes.
Yes. Thank you very much.
I think this is where we were.
Stand at attention. Hmm?
(ANGRILY) Stand at attention.
Corporal Dolan, I have just
been informed on the telephone
that you and Private Bixby
spent the entire night in a WAC barrack.
Is that your idea of the proper place
to teach someone marksmanship?
Now wait a minute, Major.
You haven't heard my side of the...
I know your side of the story.
I've met people like you before.
You never intended to help
Private Bixby at all, did you?
Now listen... No, you didn't.
You simply saw this whole assignment
as a kind of opportunity to use him.
Now if you'll just let me try...
To use both of us.
I've let you enough. Get out!
(GRUNTS) Oh!
I knew you didn't mean it.
Get out!
Go away!
All right, start packin',
you're goin' along with us.
We're goin'?
I told you he was a sentimental slob!
Pal!
I had nothin' to do with it.
Major Shelton just called
with orders to get you shipped fast.
Now, what goes?
Aw, she's in love with a guy named Freud.
Freud? Is that that fella
in headquarters company
who wears a moustache?
Yeah, that's the guy.
He invited my girl to a ballet.
Before we take off,
I'll slug him for both of us!
Wha-hoo!
Come on, Larry, get dressed.
I'm comin'.
MAN: Hey, guys.
Bix! BIXBY: Oh!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Aw, you shouldn't do that.
You know I'm ticklish. That's not funny.
Here, you can have one anyhow.
Here you are, Steve.
Bobby, Eddie, Bill, Ralph.
Here's one for you, Artie.
Here you are, Larry.
Stanley.
What's this?
"Memories of Camp Calhoun"?
Yeah, that's a souvenir.
That's a going-away present, so you guys
shouldn't get lonesome in North Africa.
(SOFTLY) Hey, I hear that the
sandstorms and the girls over there
can drive you crazy.
Really?
Well, I'm sure gonna miss you guys.
Boy, I really wish I was going with you.
You know, a guy gets kind of tired
of waving good-bye all the time.
Especially to his best
pal, like you, Larry.
Yeah, well. Look, Bix...
Well, no, what I mean to say is, you know,
this is the closest I
ever came to shipping out.
And it's kind of exciting,
like the night before the big game.
Although I never played football.
I was a cheerleader,
and I broke my leg once
leading a sis-boom-bah!
We're gonna miss you, boy.
WENASLAWSKY: Yeah, we sure will, pal.
Yeah.
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
You know something...
I promised that female efficiency chart
I'd qualify Bixby on the M-1.
And we're gonna do it,
first thing in the morning.
We're gonna do it?
We're goin' out on the
r*fle range with Bixby?
And we're gonna give him a g*n
that fires live amm*nit*on?
We ain't gonna qualify Bixby,
and you ain't gonna do it.
Not in a year,
and you only got one day.
We'll qualify him, dead or alive.
Your left arm through here.
A half-roll to the left.
Put your hand on there.
Pull it into here. Now...
All right. All nice and comfy?
I say, are you all nice and comfy?
Are you nice and comfortable?
Oh, yeah, I'm-I'm physically relaxed,
but mentally, I don't think
I'm quite ready to pull the trigger yet.
Oh, well, we just have to pull the trigger,
because if we don't pull the trigger,
the g*n won't go boom boom.
And we gotta have the g*n go boom boom.
Boom boom.
Stan, ready on 10?
I been ready for two hours.
Okay, open the breech.
(g*n CLICKS)
Now, watch it. Let it go.
Pull it off easy.
Easy, now. Hold your breath.
Squeeze... (YELPS)
You're getting closer to 10, Meredith.
Oh, that's good. Only seven targets away.
Oh. Let's go again.
Well, maybe this time
I'll keep my eyes open.
Yeah. Oh, that'd help no end. (CHUCKLES)
Get in the sling.
Open the breech. (g*n CLICKS)
Watch it. Let her forward.
All right, now...
Pull it into the shoulder.
Squeeze it off.
Squeeze it... Just a minute.
Squeeze... Squeeze...
Squeeze, squeeze
Let me see.
Hey, what's a Double
Ring-necked Widgeon doin' here?
They should be in Peru this time of year.
I don't know about the bird,
but we're here to get
you a marksmanship medal.
Open the breech.
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
Only one man, Dolan?
Yes, sir, but we weren't
expecting you till 4:00.
If you can't make it then,
I'll be glad to handle things.
One man. Let's fire him now.
Ever sh**t for qualification before?
Uh, no, sir.
At ease.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, uh, if you'll permit me, Captain, sir,
I'd like to make mention the fact
that you have a loose thread here.
I'll just...
(NERVOUSLY) Uh... That's...
That's very bad workmanship.
Your tailor is very bad, also.
I could... Never mind!
Corporal, come here.
Should I come, also?
No! I'll wait here.
Where did you get that character?
For your information, sir,
the Pentagon is greatly
interested in that man.
The Pentagon?
Yeah. I think they'd appreciate it
if you'd qualify him personally.
Oh, well, I see.
Take a break, Dolan.
Thanks, Captain.
The Captain's here to check Bixby.
Get ready to mark the bull's-eye.
Bull's-eyes?
That guy couldn't hit the target
with a Howitzer at 10 feet!
Mark 'em. They'll be there.
One, two, three.
All right, soldier. At ease.
Let's get started.
Sitting position.
(GRUNTS)
You may need this.
Oh. Thank you, sir.
Now, remember, don't jerk.
No, sir.
CAPTAIN: Got the bull's-eye
on top of your sight?
BIXBY: Yes, sir.
(BIXBY YELPS)
I'm sorry, sir, but it's not my fault.
The government got cheated.
They spent $10 million on
a g*n that wouldn't kick,
and this one kicks.
Bull's-eye?
Yeah? Let me see. (YELPS)
I'm-I'm sorry, Captain.
It is a bull's-eye.
I guess before this I wasn't checking
on the left windage.
Yeah, well,
let's make sure that one wasn't luck.
Squeeze off another one.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Captain, could...
Could I move over, please?
What's the matter?
Well, I keep landing on this.
All right. All right.
Remember, easy. Easy.
Got the target?
Yes, sir, I got it zeroed in. Fire.
(CHUCKLES) Boy, I never even felt that one.
Another bull's-eye.
Yeah? Another bull's-eye!
Well, like I say, I never even felt it.
I just squeezed as easy...
(LOUD g*nsh*t)
Fire! (LOUD g*nsh*t)
Bull's-eye.
(CHUCKLES)
Ready, fire! (LOUD g*nsh*t)
Bull's-eye.
Ready, fire! (LOUD g*nsh*t)
(GROANS)
Bull's-eye.
CAPTAIN: Bull's-eye.
Bull's-eye.
Bull's-eye. Bull's-eye.
Bull's-eye. Standing position.
Bull's-eye.
(CHUCKLES)
Bull's-eye.
(CHUCKLES)
Bull's-eye.
That's great sh**ting. Thank you, sir.
You've already qualified for
expert without the last sh*t.
I'll sh**t another one.
Never mind. Take a break
while I recheck your score.
Thank you very much, sir.
And you were very good, also.
Pretty good, huh, Corporal?
I guess it's like anything else.
You just have to have the knack for it.
(LAUGHS)
(GRUNTS)
Rear tire, sir.
Seems to be a b*llet hole.
A b*llet hole?
Where would a b*llet come from?
Well, the r*fle range is
three-quarters of a mile that way, sir.
But the targets are in the
opposite direction from us.
A soldier'd have to be sh**ting backwards
to hit this road.
That's right, sir.
I wonder...
No, no, not even him.
MAN: ...bags in the
truck, personal items...
I'd like to say good-bye to you, Corporal.
Good-bye, Major.
I also want to thank you.
You've made Meredith a
very happy young man.
Well, I kept my word. I qualified him.
So long, Major.
Very grateful to you, Corporal,
and Washington is very pleased, too.
Well, I'm glad for you.
So long, Major.
I hope that gold turns to silver.
Hiya, Major. Look.
I see you know my buddy here.
Oh, yes. Very well.
The Corporal's just said
good-bye to me three times.
So long, Bixby. Nice soldierin' with you.
Gonna miss you, boy.
Tell him, honey. Uh, sir.
(SILLY LAUGHTER)
Tell him what?
Well, you see, you've accomplished
much more than you realize.
Thanks to all your hard work,
Meredith now has his marksmanship medal,
and what's more important,
he qualifies as a soldier.
With only one month to serve,
do you know what that boy's gone and done?
You mean... He's re-enlisted.
And what's more, he specifically requested
to be assigned to your squad.
He's going to Africa with us?
I'm deserting.
Tough, cynical, and hard-hearted.
Well, you're still very sweet.
I'll be seeing you in North
Africa, Corporal.
The general is coming over
for an inspection tour.
(ENGINE STARTING)
Stan. Stan. Huh?
DOLAN: Bixby's going to Africa with us.
Let's hit sick call.
(STAN YELPING)
Sarge, we can't go to Africa with you.
We're both very sick.
Yeah, it hit us like this, right here.
(STAN GROANS) Yeah, yeah.
Guess you ought to go to the hospital.
Yeah. Right away.
Get on the bus!
(BOTH GROAN)
DOLAN: So, there we were,
on our way to Morocco
with Bixby aboard.
Halfway across the ocean,
Stanley tried to push him
through the emergency exit,
and that's where I made the
biggest mistake of my life.
I stopped him.
PULLEY: All right, line up here on me.
All right, hurry it up.
STAN: This is exotic Morocco?
Aw, don't get panicky, Stan.
The plane's gotta stop somewhere.
Hey, Sarge, how much further we gotta go?
About 100 feet.
And you'll have to carry your own bags.
All the bellboys are out playing polo.
(LAUGHS)
And to think I saved his life.
If I'd known about that joke, I'd...
"Almond-eyed beauties lend enjoyment
"to your Arabian nights come true."
PULLEY: Ten-hut!
At ease.
This is it, men.
We're an infantry unit
assigned to the air base
as a security detachment. Any questions?
Oh, yes, sir. I'd like to know how long
we're going to be stationed in Morocco.
Well, I don't know, Bixby.
Certain supplies are missing
and they suspect bandit tribes.
We'll be here until we've
stopped the pilfering.
All right, Sergeant,
you can take the men to the tent area.
PULLEY: Yes, sir.
Ten-hut!
Left face!
Forward march!
(PLANE WHIRRING)
You got it.
Two passes and a jeep.
Oh, man, how you operate!
We gotta pick up potatoes
in Port Oulet for the mess.
How'd you swing it?
I reminded Sergeant Grimes
of the cute little Fraulein
we lined up for him in Munich.
That dog?
Stanley, for every man there's a woman.
Here. Let's go.
(CHUCKLES)
Somebody has to pick up
the potatoes for breakfast.
And here we were,
all set for a night of fun
playing ping-pong.
PULLEY: Hurry up, Bixby! Doubles.
BIXBY: Yes, sir! PULLEY: Move over!
You men would be lost in
Port Oulet without Meredith.
He speaks Arabic.
Yeah. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
That means, "Here we go."
Potato depot and back!
Yes, sir!
(VENDOR CALLING OUT IN ARABIC)
(JEEP HORN HONKS)
Come on, let us through there!
(SPEAKING ARABIC)
I'll tell him we're on a m*llitary mission.
(SPEAKING ARABIC)
(CAMEL GRUNTS) (SPEAKING ARABIC)
Let me see what I said.
(LAUGHS)
I just made him the African distributor
for Paramount pictures. (LAUGHS)
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Hey, stop the jeep. Stop it! Hold it!
What's the matter?
WENASLAWSKY: I think something's
wrong with the left front tire.
Take a look, will you, Bix?
Get a load of that sign up there.
Sixty dancing girls. 60, pal!
Thirty each. That oughta be fair enough.
Hey, there's nothing
wrong with the front tire.
DOLAN: Oh? Well, uh,
why don't you stick around here
while we reconnoiter the area?
Yeah, we'll find that potato depot
if it takes all night.
Yeah, you ain't foolin' me.
You're not lookin' for no potatoes,
you're lookin' for tomatoes.
BOTH: Aww!
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
♪ Why you pay?
♪ Da, da, da, da, da
♪ You don't pay the cow for giving milk
♪ Giving milk
♪ The silkworm for giving up her silk
♪ Up her silk
♪ And when you buy the fruit
♪ You don't pay the trees
♪ There's only one thing
that's troubling me
♪ Who started charging for
the things that are free?
♪ Why you pay?
♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪ Why you pay?
♪ Da, da, da, da, da
♪ You pay for the gold down in the mines
♪ In the mines
♪ For grapes, do you ever pay the vines?
♪ Pay the vines
♪ For honey and such you don't pay the bee
♪ You don't pay the ocean
for the fish in the sea ♪
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
What?
Your order, monsieur.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, I'd like to have a malt, please.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Um, a malt. A malt.
Milk shake?
Malt.
Ah, yes, a Moroccan delight.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Oui. Yeah. Thank you.
This is a very nice place you've got here.
Thank you, monsieur.
I see you get all the convention business.
(INDISTINCT LAUGHING AND TALKING)
(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Oui. Merci. Pardon.
Hey, she sure is beautiful.
She's our featured singer.
Oh, really?
Perhaps monsieur would like a table?
Oh, yeah, could I get one?
Oh, thank you.
Would you send my Moroccan thing over?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
ALI: Yes? Zita: Zita.
(LOCK CLICKS)
I have just come from
the steamship company.
You did not send the money for
my passage as you promised.
I changed my mind.
I'm selfish.
I like beautiful things around me.
(ANGRILY) I want the money
that is coming to me.
I have accepted that offer in Mexico City.
You will go to Mexico City when I say so.
Meanwhile, sing pretty.
I'll get the money. From someone.
ALI: Let her out.
(LOUD TALKING)
Beauty often gives women
a false sense of security.
Abdul tells me
an American infantry company
has arrived to guard the supplies.
This w*apon, how many more parts
must we obtain before it is complete?
The Americans are a little late.
This is the last we need.
Good.
Contact Sheik Djilali.
Tell him we are ready to make delivery
on the big g*n he ordered. Yah.
(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(MAN LAUGHING)
♪ Who started charging for
the things that are free?
♪ Who started charging for
the things that are free?
♪ Who started charging for
the things that are free?
♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪ Why you pay?
♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪ Why you pay?
♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪ Why you pay? ♪
How do you like that?
Sixty dancing girls. Sixty!
Well, at least they were telling
the truth about their ages.
Hey, what happened to our boy Bixby?
First night in a strange
town, where would he be?
At the library, naturally.
Memorizing something.
♪ Here comes Zita
♪ Here comes Zita ♪
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Peter.
Tom.
You.
♪ It's the same ♪ It's the same
♪ It's the same ♪ It's the same
♪ It's the same the whole world over
♪ It's exactly the thrill
on a hill in Brazil
♪ That it is in a cove in Dover
♪ It's the same ♪ It's the same
(HICCUPS) ♪ It's the same
♪ For a dame all the world is clover
♪ For the thing that you
seek in Tahiti or Rome
♪ Is the same thing you seek
on the back porch at home
♪ Let his hair be straight or curled
♪ It's the same all over the world
♪ It's the same all over
♪ It's the same all over
♪ It's the same all over
♪ It's the same ♪ It's the same
♪ Oh, it's the same ♪ It's the same
♪ It's the same the whole world over
♪ Things you thought you would learn
♪ From Pierre and Antoine
♪ Seems you'd already learned
♪ Thanks to Tom, d*ck, and Jon
♪ Let his hair be straight or curled
♪ It's the same all over the world
♪ It's the same all over
♪ It's the same all over ♪
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Oh. (SNIFFS)
(COUGHS)
(BAND SHOUTING AND HOOTING)
(TEMPO INCREASES)
Yay, yay, yay!
(ALL CLAPPING)
♪ Let his hair be straight or curly
♪ It's the same ♪ It's the same
♪ It's the same ♪ It's the same
♪ Love's the same all over the world ♪
(KNOCKING)
Well?
Hello. Are you cute little Rosie Callahan
who lived over her father's grocery store
in Scranton, Pennsylvania?
Well, that's a new approach.
Well, are ya? 'Cause if you are,
I'd like to buy you one of
those pleasurable Monacos,
that drink they sell.
You mean, there is really a Rosie Callahan?
Oh, yeah, she was a scrawny little thing,
and boy, am I glad she
grew up to look like you.
I do not appear scrawny to you?
Oh, no.
As a matter of fact, the other way around.
Yes, I'll have a drink with you.
Oh!
(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)
Oui. Oui.
Here we are.
Merci. You're welcome.
Oh, waiter!
Two more of these pleasurable
Monacos, please.
WAITER: Oui, monsieur.
And bring a larger table. Oui, monsieur.
Tell me,
how did I remind you of that girl Rosie?
Oh. Well, you're both very much alike.
You're both very nice kids.
And a guy would never dream
of ever makin' a pass at you.
And you'd probably be wonderful
mothers to your children.
When you're married, that is.
I envy your Miss Callahan.
Oh, yeah.
Say, would you like to dance?
Yes! Tonight I'll be Rosie.
Oh! Well, crazy, baby.
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, this joint looks like
it's got a little more life to it.
Hey, we better start lookin'
for Bix pretty soon, huh?
He might be in trouble. Yeah.
Well, let's sit here and worry
about it for a couple of hours.
Two of anything. BARTENDER: Oui, monsieur.
(GASPS) Get a load of that!
(WHISTLES)
No doll should be put together like that.
It's illegal.
Some jerk's got all the luck.
Stan, that jerk happens
to be our bosom buddy.
Oh, hi, fellas.
Hey, I want you to meet my friends.
Wait! I would love to meet your friends,
but after I change.
Oh, okay.
This is for making me
feel like Rosie Callahan.
Thank you.
Let me see, now.
I have, uh, excuse me.
$72.50 in the First National Bank
in Scranton.
And then, uh, $37
my Uncle Herman left me,
and if I cash in my savings bonds,
I'll just have enough.
Enough for what? Well, for Zita.
I'm lending her the money so
she can have her passage back
to Mexico City.
Now, look, Bix,
we don't have to tell you about girls,
but it's not smart to
lend money to strangers.
Stranger? She's no stranger.
I'm gonna marry her.
You're gonna what?
I'm gonna marry her. Aw, now, look, Bix...
No, we're engaged,
and I feel that she should be entitled
to wear my fraternity pin.
And then all I have to do is find out
if Zita's her first name or her last name.
For the Scranton papers.
I'll see you later, fellas.
We better break this up.
I say we pass.
That boy's a walking booby-trap.
You don't get it.
I don't like to see a guy
taken, even Bixby.
You pick up the potatoes, Stan,
and you and Bix head back to the base.
And what're you gonna do?
Break this up.
And you know, that could be fun.
(BUGLE SOUNDING REVEILLE)
Okay. Okay, then it's settled, darling.
Zita if it's a boy,
Meredith if it's a girl.
(BUGLE SOUNDING REVEILLE)
(GROANS) Oh, those musical chimes.
Rise and shine, Larry.
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
Larry? Hey, Larry,
your squad's on guard duty today.
Larry?
Pulley make bed check?
Uh-uh. Hey, where's our boy
been all night, hey, kid?
Yeah, where've you been all night, Larry?
Ah, doing a little research
for the Dolan Institute for
Brotherhood and Sisterhood.
I like your taste, kid.
Thank you. My taste in what?
In dolls.
Uh... this is yours, Bix.
Around 2:00 a.m.
Zita called off your engagement.
I was doing you a favor, Bix.
Listen, she'd have taken
you for every dime you got.
She's not for Scranton, she's not for you.
Aw, now. Listen, Bix...
Rough, but I had to do it.
Poor kid. It hit him like a ton of bricks.
Voom! Tell me everything.
Stop drooling, boy. Nothing happened.
You struck out?
On three pitches. You're kidding.
Would I kid about striking out?
How'd you get the fraternity pin?
Oh, I made up a story about
Bixby getting cold feet.
She burst into tears and threw it at me.
Figure dames.
She really likes the guy.
So, what were you doing all night?
Hitchhiking back to the base.
Three ox carts, two burros,
and a camel that made all stops.
Ground all planes.
I gotta get some sleep.
Up, lambkins, we're playing soldier today
and you're corporal of the guard. Come on.
DOLAN: A normal human being
would've had a normal, human reaction,
like k*lling himself. But not Bixby.
He had to do something drastic.
MAN: Hey, hey, hey. (CAMEL GRUNTS)
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
Thank you.
Ou est everyone?
Attencion!
What do you want?
(STRAINING) I'm looking
for Mademoiselle Zita.
Why do you wish to see Mademoiselle Zita?
I just want to give her my fraternity pin.
ALI: Oh.
I shall give it to her.
Oh. Thank you very much.
Give her my fraternity pin
and tell her I was here, would you, please?
And tell her that I went
to join the Foreign Legion.
su1c1de Squad.
Hey, la boite!
Oh, la boite!
I'm sorry. I almost left with your boite.
Oh, the L-47 resistors.
Looks to me like you're puttin'
together the R-2 cannon.
Hey, I gave him his boite back!
It's only w*r surplus.
You see, my friend,
I have a youngster.
He's only six years old,
but he's very intelligent,
and he likes to tinker
with these mechanical things.
Oh. (GULPS) That's very nice,
but I hope your son is a genius
because there's only a
handful of army specialists
that can put the R-2 together.
Only a handful?
Why, yes, and they're all in America.
All in America?
Yeah, all except me,
and I'm here.
You can assemble the R-2 rapid-fire cannon?
Oh, sure.
Oh, yeah. I-I can put it together,
except it is very, very complicated.
If I may show you.
You see, there's various elements involved.
For instance,
like the 209 tube sets in easy enough,
but not everyone knows that
it's a turn to the right.
Now, if you don't do this correctly,
the thing can blow up,
and there's hundreds of various elements
such as this that you have
to be aware of. (CHUCKLES)
Well, I'll see you around.
Excellent! You passed the test!
I wished I flunked. What test?
The test of supreme courage.
Monsieur, you are standing now
in the headquarters of the
Foreign Legion Secret Service.
If you wish to join,
you can join immediately.
Oh, thank you.
I didn't know there was a Secret Service.
Oh, that's because we
wish to keep it a secret.
Oh. Well, I won't say nothing.
Honor bright.
May I present, Colonel Dubois
and his staff.
Major Andre, Sergeant Durande.
BIXBY: I'm glad to see...
Come. We leave at once
for your first assignment to an oasis.
Two days' ride in the desert.
There, you can assemble the cannon.
(HESITATINGLY) Oh,
I can assemble the cannon?
For your son?
Yes, for my son. Oh.
You are now one of us mon capitane.
I'm a captain. Do I get a uniform?
Later. Come!
Colonel.
Major. Thank you.
Uh, Sergeant,
let's not forget the rank.
Sergeant, Captain. (CHORTLES)
Patience, my angel.
We will not lose him.
MAN: Hey, Dolan,
the singer at the Pink Camel
asked me to deliver this to you.
What were you doin' in
the Pink Camel, Sarge?
The same as you guys were doing.
Looking for the potato depot.
Hey, this is a note from Zita.
Says Bixby's life's in danger.
Hey, that's tough.
How about a little ping-pong?
Hey, "Notifying the police
"means certain death for Meredith,
"but three people traveling
under cover of night
"have a chance to rescue him."
Come on.
We're going? No, Stanley.
First, we're gonna list all
the reasons why we shouldn't,
then we're going.
But wait!
Well, what can happen?
We get k*lled.
(TAPPING)
BIXBY: Sergeant!
Mon capitane!
Screwdriver.
Pliers.
Wrench.
Please, can I k*ll him now?
Not until he has completed the assembly.
He's mad with power.
This morning, I forgot to salute him.
Fifty push-ups!
I know, mon petit.
Well, that does it! It's finished.
Now? Now.
Doggone it!
Something wrong?
Yeah. This is supposed
to elevate the muzzle.
I must have my stabilizer wires crossed.
Sergeant. Mon capitane?
Hand me that galvanometer, will you?
Where's your Kn*fe?
Why isn't it in its proper place?
You're out of uniform.
Fifty more push-ups!
Hit the sand!
He's a very nice fella,
but he needs discipline.
We've have word from Sheik Djilali.
Double S 0-0-5, double S 0-0-6,
which completes the assembly.
Well, you're all finished, baby.
Fire when ready!
Hey, hey, hey!
The cannon is completed.
Can I k*ll him now?
Why not?
A thousand thanks. No, no, no, wait.
Djilali will want a demonstration.
Who will explain this intricate mechanism,
a dead man?
Do not weep, my little one.
Monsieur Bixby will dine with us tonight,
and tomorrow you can k*ll him.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow!
And the dinner must be
an epicurean delight.
I understand the last meal
is quite a tradition in his country.
Go. Extend the invitation
to Monsieur Bixby.
(GASPS) Oh. Hello.
(STAMMERS NERVOUSLY) I think
we're in terrible trouble.
This cannon won't work for
at least a couple of months.
Well, that doesn't matter.
Aren't you hungry?
Dinner's almost ready.
Oh. Oh, no, thank you, very much.
I'm not hungry.
Oh, I know.
You don't want to eat with me
because... Because you don't like me.
Oh, oh, no! No! That's not the case at all.
On the contrary,
I've grown to like you very much.
Oh? Oh, yeah,
and I think that that
rank business is silly.
Sergeant and captain.
We should both be the same.
Would you like me to do push-ups for you?
No, no, I like the push-ups.
They make my wrists strong.
I'll show you. Watch.
(CHORTLES)
Let's prepare for dinner.
Well, I'm not very hungry, honest.
B-but I'm not too hungry... Let's prepare.
(YELPS)
Wait!
Stan! Larry!
Gee, am I glad to see you guys.
They're gonna k*ll me tomorrow.
This is no time for good news.
We gotta get outta here.
Yeah, let's get moving. We can't.
I just assembled the R-2 cannon.
It's all ready to go.
You put that together in two days?
Don't forget, he memorizes.
Okay, so we'll take the R-2 with us.
You wait out by the camels.
If we're not there in 10 minutes,
head out for Port Oulet, okay?
Now, look, we gotta move fast and quiet.
Don't use these unless we have to.
Mmm. These are good. What are they?
They got such a nice flavor.
Oh, they're stuffed with goats' eyes.
We had 'em for supper.
I had to ask.
Where's the cannon?
Here we are,
and just 100 yards is the palm grove,
and right over there is the cannon.
Got it.
Keep 10-yard intervals, and follow me.
Keep low and watch out for sentries.
The American.
He is to live until tomorrow.
But he's headed for the big g*n.
We follow him.
(SOFTLY) You guys are
goin' around in circles.
Follow me. I'll get you there.
Uh-oh.
Trouble.
Couple of guards.
But don't worry about it.
They know me. I'll get rid of 'em.
(SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH)
Where were you? Where you been?
Stan, Larry.
I-I thought you guys were with me.
I was talking all the time,
and I thought that you were...
And I didn't know... What's with the hands?
There's nothin' to worry because...
Yeah, I think they got us.
(MAN SHOUTING IN ARABIC)
Meredith! Meredith!
(WHISPERS) Here's the key. (KEY CLINKS)
BIXBY: Zita!
Can you reach it, Larry?
I can't even reach myself.
(GRUNTS)
(ALL STRAINING)
BIXBY: Let me try.
Let me try it this way.
(STRAINING) No, that ain't it!
That ain't it.
No, let's try over again. BIXBY: No?
BIXBY: Wait, Larry,
turn over on your right.
Try it on your right, Larry.
Yeah? Like this?
BIXBY: No, Larry.
(STRAINING) That's no good.
I ain't breathin'.
(GRUNTING)
I think I can reach it over here.
All right.
(GRUNTING)
DOLAN: I'll get it. I'll get it.
BIXBY: Wait, Stan. DOLAN: I'll get it!
I got it. Stan...
WENASLAWSKY: (STRAINING) A little more!
DOLAN: I can't give you anymore.
BIXBY: Stan, Larry. Wait. (BOTH GROANING)
Hey, wait a minute.
No, wait, fellas.
Wait. No, this... This is no good.
DOLAN: Well, you try it.
Let me just sit up.
WENASLAWSKY: All right,
you see if you can do it.
Let me clear some of these...
DOLAN: Give him some slack.
Here. BIXBY: Wait, Larry,
Let me... That's it.
(GRUNTS) Ooh!
Just move up a little, Larry.
Stan, can you move up a little?
(GRUNTS) I...
DOLAN: (GRUNTS) Ah, Bix! Got it?
(ALL GRUNTING)
WENASLAWSKY: Got it, Bix? Come on.
Come on, Bix! That a boy.
I got it!
I lost it.
DOLAN: (GROANS) Oh, you idiot!
(BIXBY YELPS)
I couldn't help it.
I think maybe if we would
have pulled the, uh...
If this...
Hey, it's open!
(LAUGHING)
Wait, wait. Yeah, I'll get it.
WENASLAWSKY: Oh! I'm loose!
I can't get this one. BIXBY: Wait.
(LOUD CLANG) Ooh!
That worked on that one, too.
(LOUD THUD)
Don't sh**t!
What should I do with him? DOLAN: Drop him.
There are four more of
them right out there.
Come here, Bix.
Larry, give me a hand.
What are you gonna do?
Let's get the clothes off this guy.
(ALL SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(CHAINS JINGLING)
Oh, fleas. Fleas!
Oh, fleas. Fleas.
(LAUGHING) Hmm! Go away!
Oh, go away!
(SCREAMING)
Fleas. (YELPS)
(ALL SHOUTING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
DOLAN: The coast is clear! BIXBY: Help!
Wait, Stan, Larry!
Larry, Stan!
Larry! Wait!
Stan! Larry!
(KNOCK AT DOOR) No, open it.
Open up! Larry, Stan! Please!
(ARABS SHOUTING)
Hold it. Hold it.
Get this uncovered and
hooked onto the cannon.
(ZITA SCREAMING)
Zita's in trouble!
(SHOUTS)
(ZITA SHRIEKS)
ALI: Admit it,
you brought the two Americans here.
Admit it!
This camel driver saw you.
Did you go to the police, too?
Did you?
(YELPS)
Are you going to talk?
(GROANS)
Run for the tractor. Quick!
ALI: The Americans have escaped!
(ALL YELLING)
(GRUNTS)
You can't do it up there,
but when I let you down,
50 more push-ups!
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Hip-hup! Hip-hup!
What a sloppy outfit!
Let's keep in step, you fat anteater!
You pig! You swine!
May you live to die a thousand deaths!
No profanity there.
There's a lady in the desert.
May your wife be as... I'll k*ll you!
Come on and suck in that stomach,
you yellow bellies!
(JETS ROARING)
A happy day, mon general.
The capture of Ali Mustapha
and those renegades
is welcome news to my people.
For two years now,
that outlaw has immobilized
my finest regiment.
Your three soldiers have
accomplished a magnificent feat.
Thank you, gentlemen,
but they'll still have
to answer for going AWOL.
DOLAN: Get me out of here!
Get this thing off me!
(BIXBY, DOLAN AND WENASLAWSKY
SHOUTING) Here they come.
Bring your companies to attention!
SOLDIER: Company, attention!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING IN JEEP)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
BIXBY: Help! My foot!
I can't get my foot...
My foot is stuck!
DOLAN: Bixby, look out!
(WHISTLING AND SHOUTING)
BIXBY: Larry!
Stan, lift... Give me a hand. Help!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Ooh! Did you cut yourself?
Oh, it's just a little nick.
Just a scratch. Here.
Keep your finger here on the artery.
And don't worry about it.
The human body has six quarts of blood.
Let me k*ll him now! Please, Larry!
Too many witnesses. I'll help you later.
I'm sorry, sir, but the rubber on my heel
melted and stuck to the accelerator.
Somehow, Bixby,
I knew there would be
a logical explanation.
I remember you when I was
commanding general at Camp Calhoun.
Yeah. Now,
may we get on with the ceremony?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes, sir.
I'm-I'm sorry.
You know what happened? Oh.
Allons ici.
(DRUMROLL)
Corporal Dolan, Private
Wenaslawsky, Private Bixby.
(FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING)
In awarding you the Foreign
Legion Citation of Gallantry,
we pay tribute to a
magnificent type of bravery
by three brave men of the American army.
So to you, Corporal Dolan,
Private Wenaslawsky,
Private Bixby...
We express our gratitude.
By your coolness,
your audacity,
your intelligence,
you have performed a deed of valor
which contributed greatly to our cause.
DOLAN: So the French gave
us each a medal and a kiss.
And we were ready for the MPs.
They weren't going to kiss us.
(GROANS)
(LOUD SMACK)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
DOLAN: And you, Major,
just had to be in at the finish.
Why did they have to waste a beautiful body
on a senior consultant
from the Manhattan Institute
for Psychological Research?
And why did I...
How about that, Larry?
With a medal! Isn't that terrific?
I got the same medal.
Stanley, congratulations.
You got a medal just like I got a medal.
Isn't that terrific? You know, Larry...
Oh, listen, you know what?
Ah, democracy.
It is wonderful.
(LAUGHS)
Would you gentlemen care to join me?
On, certainly.
Major. Excuse me, please.
I don't like to interrupt the kissing,
but could you be good enough to tell me
what happened to Zita?
Oh, she sailed from
Port Oulet this morning.
Oh. For Mexico City, huh?
No, Scranton.
Oh, Scranton! Oh, Scranton!
That's where I live! That's my hometown!
Oh! Oh, no!
Hey, no, no, wait!
Don't you know that's
no way to carry a g*n?
According to the army manual,
You hold the g*n correct...
There is only one man who
could have possibly...
My apologies, gentlemen.
♪ I'm the genuine original
♪ First edition copy of Sad... ♪
(SNEEZES)
Sad Sack, The (1957)
Moderator: Maskath3
Watch on Amazon Merchandise Collectables
The older Classic's that just won't die. Everything from before 1960's.
The older Classic's that just won't die. Everything from before 1960's.