03x11 - Who's to Blame?

[bunniefuu]

- Okay. The name of this game is Five Card Webster.

[Katherine chuckles]


- I have six cards.


- You'll need them.

[audience laughing]


- Well, what are the rules of this game?


- Aces are low. Jacks are high.

Kings and queens don't count, unless you draw a diamond.


- What if I draw a heart?


- You won't. I took the out before we started.

[audience chuckling]


- Okay. What do you wanna do?


- Fold.

[chips clattering] [audience chuckling]


- I Love this game.

[audience laughing] [chips rustling]

[bright cheerful music]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my time ♪

♪ just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you. ♪

[gentle upbeat music]

[gentle upbeat music]


- The main character in the story is Ralph.

He had pneumonia.

Cindy, how do you spell pneumonia?

[lively upbeat music]


- Cindy?

[audience chuckling]

Yo, Cindy?

Woo hoo! [audience laughing]


- Okay.

He had a cold.

[audience laughing]

[door handle clicks]


- I think we should get a lawyer.

Don't you think we need a lawyer, Bill?

We should get a lawyer.


- Lawyer? What for?

He hit me plain and simple.

[door thuds]


- Bill, you don't have to be Melvin Belli

to realize that if you have an accident

and the other driver pulls out a neck brace,

you need a lawyer.

[audience chuckling]


- Hi guys.

How come you're home so soon?


- Hi honey.


- Didn't you like the restaurant?


- We never got there.

We had a little accident in the shopping mall parking lot.


- Nobody got hurt.


- I think I know a lawyer we could use.


- Ah, sounds expensive to me.

I'm going to defend myself.

Come on, Cassie.

I need time to prepare our case.


- Bill, there's an old saying.

A man who represents himself has a fool for a client.


- At least with me, I know what I'm getting.

[audience laughing]

[shoes clacking]


- Cindy.

Cindy.

[lively upbeat music]


- Cindy.


- Hi, Mr. Papadapolis.


- We won't be needing you anymore this evening, darling.


- Oh, okay.

Let's see.

A $. an hour at hours,

plus % gratuity comes to $..


- $.?

Cindy, we were only gone minutes.


- Sorry, you booked hours. You pay hours.


- I only have a .


- Okay, that's no problem.

....

...

...

...

and is .

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye Webster.

Bye Cindy.

[audience chuckling]

[door clicks]


- $. for her and $ for the ice cream she ate.

Boy, I can't wait till I'm old enough to go into business.


- Well, I'm hungry. I'm going to get a sandwich.


- Uh uh.


- You mean she ate the cold cuts too?


- Before you left the driveway.

[audience laughing]

[gentle upbeat music]


- Ham and cheese.


- Peanut butter and jelly.


- Tuna fish.


- Baloney.


- [Group] Yeah. [audience chuckling]


- Hey, don't forget, Saturday my dad's taking all of us

to the video arcade for my birthday.


- Wow. You are gonna be .


- Yeah, you get to have whole numbers in your age.


- Yeah, but the best part about it is

I get to stay up as late as I want.


- Me too.


- You don't get to stay up late.


- I do so. When my sitter's over.


- You mean a babysitter?

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot.

You have to have a babysitter when you're only .


- I don't have a babysitter.


- Me neither.

[kids chattering]


- I'm gonna go get some milk.


- Why you need it for nappy time?


- No, I need it for my coffee.

[audience laughing]

[Webster chuckling]

Good one, Webster Long.

[gentle upbeat music]


- Well the pasta shells seem to be in order.

Put 'em in the oven.

Oh, boy. What day.

How's the salad, darling?

[Kn*fe thumping]


- Just needs dressing.


- Nobody tosses salad like you sweetheart.

Oops. We need a Kn*fe. Little bread Kn*fe.

Cut the bread.


- I'll get it. I'll get it.

I got it.


- Ooh, easy with that.

Come on, give it to me. It's too sharp.

There you go.


- Everybody treats me like a baby.

I can't use the Kn*fe.

I can't stay up late.

And I can't be alone without a babysitter.


- It's just a hunch.

Do I get the feeling that you'd like to talk to us

about something?


- All my friends think I'm a baby.

Cause I'm the only one who still has a babysitter.


- If it makes you feel better.

Think of her as a kid sitter.


- But Cindy's only years older than me.

You pay her a lot of money

and she eats up all your ice cream.

I can do that for free.


- Oh, no, no, you're not staying home alone.

Because if you stay home alone pretty soon

you'll be going out late at night alone.

You'll be going to singles bars.

Perhaps getting yourself tattooed.


- [Cassie] Yoo
-hoo!

Hi. Guess what?

I found an attorney.

He's bright, young, and he specializes in auto accidents.


- Oh good.

Cuz I was having trouble picturing Bill Parker

for the defense.


- He wants to see all of us on Friday.

About five.

You think you can make it?


- Well, yeah.

I just have to find out if Cindy is free.


- Huh. Come on, Katherine.

The word Cindy and free shouldn't be

in the same sentence.

[George chuckles]


- Wait, I got a good idea.

Why don't I stay home by myself, please?


- I don't think I'm ready for that.


- See, you think I'm a baby too.

Just like all the kids at school.


- I do not think you are a baby,

but I do think you are too young to be left at home alone.


- How long will you be at the lawyer's office?


- Oh, I'd say about an hour.


- C'mon, you here that. It's only an hour.

It won't even be dark yet.


- Okay, Webster, since it's only for an hour

and if George agrees.


- George.

George, my future's in your hand.


- Okay, but don't get yourself tattooed.


- Deal. Yay!

[gentle upbeat music]


- If it weren't for you guys I'd starve.


- Here Webster.

This is for you.

Baby, baby, baby.


- Oh yeah, well if I'm such a baby

how come my folks are letting me stay home,

all alone Friday?

Nobody there.


- Hey, twerp. Give me your lunch.


- Mom made you one too, Frank.


- what do you think I ate on the bus?

Hand it over.


- Here, you can have half of mine.

It's yours anyway.


- Thanks.

So how long are your folks gonna be gone Friday night?

Well, I'm not exactly sure.


- o'clock?


- ?


- Midnight?


- Maybe even later.

Maybe.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

They might not come home to the next morning.


- That's unbelievable.


- You're not kidding.

[audience laughing]

[gentle upbeat music]


- Now, I know this is a little boring to you,

but can we have this one more time, please?


- Uncle Jerry's number is by the phone.

Don't open a door for anybody and your favorite
-
-.

[George clapping]


- George, about your emergency phone numbers,

I don't think Webster's gonna need a roofer

or a lawnmower repair man.


- You never know what could happen in an hour, Katherine.

Now, one more time.


-
-
-. I won't forget it.


- Good, good.


- All rise. The court is in session.


- Let's vamoose. It's almost five o'clock.


- We'll be back before you know it.

Bill, this time I would like to drive.

Oh, good idea.


- Now, before we go, we all agree how the accident happened.


- Absolutely.


- Now are we really sure

that the other driver didn't see the space first?


- Great, I can see the headlines now.

Witness Bails Out. Innocent Man gets the Chair.

We'll go over it, one more time, in the car.


- Good luck guys.


- Thanks honey. We'll be back soon.


-
-
-!


- Lock the door.


- [Cassie] Lock the door.


- [Bill] Lock the door.


- Lock the door.

[door thumps]


- Maybe, I'll lock the door.

[audience laughing]

[footsteps tapping]

[lock clicking]

[footsteps tapping]


- Whoopee!

[audience chuckling]

[feet thumping] [audience chuckling]


- I love it.

[audience laughing]


- [Tv Host] Welcome back to thrillers at dusk.

Today's movie is, The Creature is in the House.


- Oh, no it isn't.

[door knocking]

I wonder if the creature has home delivery.


- [Jason] Hey, Web you in there?

It's me, Jason.

[door clicks]


- Hi, what's up?


- Saw your parents leave.

You really are alone. That's great.


- Yeah.

[audience chuckling]


- Well, aren't you gonna let me in?


- I wasn't even supposed to open the door?


- Who's gonna know?

If you let me in, we can do all kinds of neat stuff.


- Like what?


- We can jump on your sofa.


- Only babies do that.


- C'mon, let me in.

How you gonna prove that you're by yourself,

unless someone sees it.


- Good point.

But if I let you in, I won't be home alone anymore.


- Oh yeah.


- See you at school, Jason.


- Okay.

Will you eat lunch with me on Monday and tell me about it?


- Well, I'll have to check my calendar and get back to you.

Bye, Jason.

[gentle music]

[door thumping and clicking]

[gentle suspenseful music]


- Wee!

[audience chuckling]

[Webster giggling]


- All right, let's see.

Left over meatloaf, cold mashed potatoes,

cheese with fur on it...

Ice cream. [chuckles]

[door clicks]

[Webster chuckles]

[door thuds]

I love being home alone.

[audience laughing]


- Woo!

Yes.

[audience laughing]

[tense foreboding music]

[paper and items rustling] [tense foreboding music]


- Eat your heart out, Cindy.


- Freeze!


- Ma'am and ...

[footstep shuffling]


- [Jeff] Knock it off.

We know you're home alone the whole night.

Now get over here.


- No, what do you guys want?


- Anything you got radios, TVs, stereos.


- [Frank] Cash is always good.


- Ma'am and George took all that stuff with them.

I guess you'll have to try another house.


- [Frank] We could do this the easy way or the hard way.

You won't like the hard way.


- [Jeff] Well you keep an eye on him.

I'll check the place out.


- [Frank] Boy, it's hot in here.


- Hey, I know you. You're from school.

But it's okay. I have a terrible memory.

[dramatic suspenseful music]

[footsteps clicking] [group chattering]


- Excuse me. Please listen.

Let's just...

Could we just go over this one more time

to we're sure that we got it straight.


- We were on our way to dinner at a restaurant,

unfortunately, named the Stew and Brew.

I was wearing a new suit. It was...

It was dressy,

but casual enough for dinner in a shopping mall.


- You know, in all the excitement,

I don't think I got to tell you

how attractive that color pink is on you.


- Thank you, Cassie. I always...


- Could we skip the fashion show and get back to the crash?

That's Loomis.

Whatever made you pick a lawyer with the name Loomis.

Every time I hear that name,

I think of your nutzy sister Penelope

and that wiffle ball son of hers.


- Aunt Cassie! Uncle Billy!

[audience chuckling]


- On visiting day, I'll bring you a cake with a file in it.

[audience chuckling]


- Hi, Skippy Loomis Esquire. [giggles]

You must be the Papadapolis.


- I'm Katherine.


- I'm George.


- I'm dead.


- Here, you would know it if you look at me,

but this is my very first case.


- Oh


- You're right, you're dead.

[audience chuckling]


- Since this is Skippy's only case,

we are gonna get his undivided attention.


- What a lucky break.


- Sit. Sit. Sit.


- [Katherine] Thank you.
- [Cassie] Thank you.

[audience chuckling]


- Okay, let's get down to business.

[paper pad thuds]

Does anybody have a pen?


- Oh, I do darling.


- Here you are.


- Thanks, Aunt Cassie.

Okay, tell me all about the alleged vehicular as*ault.


- Alleged, my patootie!

I was pulling into a parking space

and this maniac came tearing down in the wrong direction

and rams right into me.


- Bummer. Then what happened?


- What do you mean what happened?

Nothing. That's it.

It's an open and shut case.


- Well, that was easy. [chuckles]

Hey, thanks for coming in.

I'll get started on this right away.


- Skippy, I'm no lawyer,

but don't you think you should get the man's name?


- You've got it?


- I've got it all right here,

on a piece of paper, everything.

[paper rustling]


- Oh. Oh, Bill.

You're gonna hate me for this,

but I think that oriental man

was a little closer to the space than we were.


- He wasn't oriental. He was squinting.


- You know George, I agree with you.

And if he was driving without corrective lenses,

you may have a case.


- This is great. I love being a lawyer. [laughing]

[dramatic suspenseful music]


- No, not my bank.


- [Frank] Shut up, Creep.

So how did we make out?


- Well, I got about bucks in cash,

but that stereo ought to be worth something.


- Well, I want the tape recorder.


- Well then I get the camera.


- Okay.
- Well you packed this stuff

and I'll make sure the coast is clear.

[door thuds]

[items clanking and rumbling]

[keys clink softly]

[door clicks]


- Okay. I'll clear.

[door thuds]
- Hey, where'd the kid go?


- Well, he was here a minute ago.

What if he's calling the cops?

Let's get outta here. [stammering]


- Wait, my car keys!

The kid must of taken 'em.


- Forget the keys.

Let's just get outta here.


- No, they'll trace the car to my father and then to us.


- Yeah, if we get caught here, we'll go to jail.


- Who cares about jail?

Do you know what my father will do to me

when he finds out he took the car.

I'm not even old enough to drive.

We gotta find that kid.

You look upstairs. I'll check down here.

[tense menacing music]


-
-


-




- Hey, kid where are you?

[tense menacing music]

[door clicks]

[shoes screeching]

[tense suspenseful music]


- [Frank] He's not on the stairs!

[door thuds]


- We'll get him, He's gotta be here someplace.

[chair scratching]


- Kitchen.

[door squeaking]


- He didn't go out this way it's locked?


- But we heard him in here.


- Well, where is he? There's no way out.


- Hey, what's this?


- Well, it goes someplace. Let's find out where.

[tense suspenseful music]

[phone clicking]


- C'mon, answer
-
-.

[phone clicking]


- [Webster] Let me go.


- [Jeff] Get over here.

[feet shuffling]
- [Webster] Go.

Let me go. Go guys stop.


- [Frank] Come on kid.


- Let me go.


- Now hand 'em over.


- If you talking about your car keys,

I don't know what you're talking about.


- Cough 'em up

[keys clinking]


- Here. Now go away.


- You better not tell on us.


- I won't.


- Or you'll be sorry. Let's go.


- Stop, robbers! Stop them!


- [Katherine] What are you doing? Who are you?


- [George] What the hell are you guys doing here?

Come here.


- [Katherine] Come here.

What the hell's the matter with you guys?


- They tried to rob the place empty!


- [George] You boys have a little explaining to do.

Now what's the problem here?


- No.. Just... They'll explain it to the police.


-
-
-. Ma'am.


- Thank you.

[gentle solemn music]


- Boy was I glad to see you guys.

That was the longest hour of my life.


- I'm sorry sweetheart.

But we're home now and everything's okay.


- I can't believe something like this

could happen the first time we leave him alone Katherine.


- Well, I can't believe I left the window unlocked.


- And how about me putting that

stupid chain way up high so you couldn't even reach it.


- Guys, it was my fault.


- Huh?


- Well, I sort of brag to the kids at school

about being left home alone.


- Why?


- Because I wanted to prove that I wasn't a baby.

I'm sorry.


- But you're not a baby.


- Yeah. And you were brave to hide that kid's car keys.


- And you guys aren't mad at me.


- Let me ask you something.

Would you ever, ever again,

let a stranger know that you're gonna be alone?


- No way.


- Well, then there's no reason for anybody to be mad.

I think we've all learned a big lesson.


- We were lucky too. You didn't get hurt.


- Nothing was stolen.


- What's gonna happen to Frank and Jeff now?


- Lots, I hope.

But it's really up to the police and their parents.


- Guys, next time you go someplace,

could Cindy come over?

Not to babysit, but just for company.


- Yeah. I'll take a second job so we can afford her.

[audience laughing and clapping]


- Webster.


- We'll be back.


- In a moment.

[Webster giggling]

[gentle spirited music]


- Oh, look at that.

The guy clips 'em and don't even get a call.

[TV blaring]


- Why don't they use instant replay?


- Because then he'd just blow it twice.

[Katherine chuckling] Guys, I just talked to Cassie.

It seems that Skippy got the insurance companies

to settle the car accident.

He has the potential to be a very successful lawyer.

Why? Because he made a phone call?


- No. Because he charged Bill $ in Attorney's fees.


- Whoa. [studio audience laughing]


- He so mad. [laughs]


- $ for a phone call?

Ma'am. George. Law School is looking good.


- Oh, look at that.


- C'mon.
- C'mon. C'mon.


- Yay!


- Why are they chasing that poor boy?

[theme music]