05x06 - The Tender Trap

[bunniefuu]

[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]

- [LAUGHING]
- You're gonna get in trouble, man.

Then move to France.

The French, buddy? No. You're, like...

The French would like
me better than you.

- [BRAYS]
- Well, no, I-I don't think...

Now, I know there's at
least one dancer in there

that's got a restraining
order against you, Vivian.

Five hundred feet.

That's not... W... Y-You
got old information, Sheriff.

Candy moved down to
Sioux Falls last month

- to take care of her mother.
- Oh, so now

you're keeping tabs
on the poor girl, huh?

Judge won't gonna like that. Not at all.

You two kids get home safe, huh?

See you at the Elks on Thursday.

You got my check, right?

- The re-election fund?
- [CAR DOORS OPEN]

- [CAR DOORS CLOSE]
- Had... had my girl...

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- ... make it out personally last week.

- What... what the f*ck, Roy?
- [CAR DEPARTS]

- Hm?
- What...

You can't do this sh*t anymore, Roy.

I-I know the governor now.

See, now, what happens in
moments of life and death

is that everything comes into focus.

Are you focused, Vivian?

Y-yeah, yeah.

You're not gonna sell
your bank to that woman.

L-Lyon?

Th-Th-That's the one.

You're not gonna sell it,
you're not gonna negotiate,

you're not even gonna return her calls.

W-Why?

Wait, wait, wait!

O-Okay.

Find some other way to get rich.

Foreclose on some homes,

sell raffle tickets. I don't care.

But that woman gets nothing.

We're clear?

Yeah.

Now why don't you do a little dance?

What?

I'm just kidding.

Nobody wants to see that.

[SUV DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

- [BEEP]
- [MAN] We've been patient.

More than patient.

But if we can't settle this thing today,

my next call is to our
litigation department.

Thank you, and please
make sure to give this call

- five stars on the next survey.
- [BEEP]

- [BRAKES SQUEAL]
- [BUS IDLING]

[CHILDREN CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

Looks like you found the cereal.

Frosted Flakes.

- Your kid likes 'em?
- [BUS DEPARTING]

- Well, kinda.
- [GARAGE DOOR CLOSES]

My husband. He can't get enough.

Are you taking me to school?

No school today.

Is it a holiday?

In a way.

- But I got to go to work, so...
- [DOOR OPENS]

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Slept in the garage again?

You don't have to open the door.

School bus saw me in my drawers.

Plus, it's freezing out.

Scotty, hon, could you

take your book to the
living room, please?

Want me to clear my bowl?

Please.

I need you to watch her today.
It's just for a few hours.

- I want a wife.
- Maybe you could take her to the park or what...

Wait, what did you say?

I said I want a wife.

I am your wife.

No.

A wife.

Someone to keep the
house clean and-and cook.

- I cook.
- Who cooks good, you know?

Takes care of me when I'm sick
and doesn't complain about it.

Who wants to know how my day was first

and listens to the answer.

A woman who supports me.

Oh...

- I support you.
- No, emotionally, I'm saying.

A wife who...

who builds my confidence,

who everything revolves around... me.

Not... And I know-I know what you do

is important, I do, but...

I'm important, too, you know?

My needs, so I can grow

and be the best.

Okay?

A cheerleader, is what I'm...

You know, a wife who

comes to the club for the socials and

doesn't talk about what's a
felony or what's a misdemeanor,

but trades recipes, right?

With the other wives. [SCOFFS]

Who claps when I win and

rubs my back when I don't,
and says, "You'll get 'em next time

because you are amazing."

Is that all?

No.

I want a wife who takes
care of my other needs...

my man needs...

when I feel like it,

and doesn't say she's
tired or that her back hurts

or to pull out when I finish

'cause she's not on the pill.

Which... I want a
wife who's on the pill.

I can't take the pill.

I get blood clots.

Well, an IUD then.

[SCOFFS]

Okay, look, look. the-the
point is I am tired

of feeling like I got to
be everything around here

all the time. The man and the wife.

Like, I got to support you
all the time, your needs,

'cause your job is hard
and you're always saying

you have to pick up extra shifts.

We are $192,000

in debt.

And that.

A wife who is not

reminding me all the
time about negative...

negativity, you know?

Pressure, when I-I
need to stay positive,

'cause it's a mental game, right?

How far you hit a drive,
whether you're in the sand trap,

and you just...

suck. You suck at that.

So I want a wife.

I'm late for work.

We can talk about

who really needs a wife later.

Scotty, hon. I got to go out.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

- [SCOTTY] Okay, then.
- What am I supposed to do with her?

I got physical therapy

and I'm supposed to walk the
green at 2:00, my guru says,

so I can play it with my eyes shut.

You're a big boy. Figure it out.

[WINDMILL RATTLING]

[MAN] Please, ple... [GROANING]

[BOWMAN] Say it.

I'm gonna call Dot and tell her to come.

Who the f*ck is Dot?

Listen, wait, wait! Listen.

Listen.

I got cancer.

I need an operation.

You got the wrong guy.

You got... [GROANS]

- f*ck.
- [COUGHS]

[GROANS]

f*ck you, you f*cking piece of sh*t.

- f*ck you!
- [THUD]

[GROANS]

[DONALD Tr*mp] [ON TV]
... on my phone call,

but they never thought I'd release it,

so they were gonna be okay.

Eight times, quid pro quo.

Except it was no times.

Mm. They are doing
it for real this time.

Jackals.

Impeaching that great man.

Now, not too short above the ears.

I got the debate coming up.

Gets my goat,

they're hounding that
poor man day and night.

The twins think so, too.

We want to watch cartoons.

Hey.

Don't talk back to your mother.

[WAYNE] [ON TV] Down at Wayne Lyon Kia,

we got the lowest prices in town,

and I ain't lyin'.

Hi, I'm Wayne Lyon at Lyon Motors.

And I want to get you
behind the wheel of a new...

Aah!

- Oh, Roy. Honey...
- sh*t, woman.

I am so sorry.

- God.
- I don't know what happened.

Hold on, let me just...

These are my mother's napkins.

What happened, Karen, is you got

all caught up in things
that don't concern you

and you lost sight of the job at hand.

- You're right.
- Now, it's 10:00 in the morning.

I think these girls have
something better to do

than sit here, watch TV like
a couple of welfare queens.

- Girls, come on.
- [SNAPS FINGERS]

Come on, your daddy's right.
It's time to get to your lessons.

- [ROY] Ah, dang it.
- [DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Thought you were that
crazy Swede for a second.

On account of he's missing half an ear.

Very funny.

Got Nadine's husband in
the box when you're ready.

I'm Nadine's husband.

Sure. Uh...

uh, what I meant was, uh,

the car salesman's in the
abattoir, ready to talk.

Did you soften him up a little bit?

Oh, he's still got all his teeth,
if that's what you're asking,

but only 'cause they're
in there pretty good.

Crying like a little girl?

He's pissed, I'll tell you that.

Called me a few names I ain't
heard since grade school.

[CHUCKLES]

Swears we got the wrong
guy, which is, like,

nice try, assh*le.

Thought you said he was soft.

Well, he had a pretty good shock

at the house, you know.

Finger in the old light socket.

Sometimes that scrambles the brain.

You hear those stories, right?

"My husband ain't the man I married

since the lightning struck."

What?

[DOOR OPENS]

We've been wearing
kerchiefs on our faces

so he don't recognize us later.

[MUFFLED, INDISTINCT CHATTER]

... don't you understand? I don't know

what the f*ck you're talking about.

Oh, who's this, then?

Oh, king of the idiot brigade, eh?

[CHUCKLES]

Let me tell you what I told
these other two morons.

You kidnapped the wrong chump.
I got friends in high places,

and when they get through with you,

you're gonna wish you were
the horse at a glue factory,

you... [GRUNTS]

- Jesus!
- [ANIMALS BARKING, WHINNYING IN DISTANCE]

[STILTED GROANING]

[EXHALES]

[GATOR] What the hot f*ck, Dad?

I thought this one was
supposed to stay in the car.

- Yeah.
- So you're a leptard, too.

[GATOR] How are we supposed
to get her back now?

- You k*lled our leverage.
- That's not him, genius.

You grabbed the wrong patsy.

What? No.

I was in the car.

That's his f*ck up.

He was in the room, this guy.

Name was on the door.

- Don't know what else I could've done.
- See?

I thought you said you
saw the car salesman

- in his house on Halloween.
- Yeah.

Said you got a good look at him.

It was dark, okay?

And on fire, and... [CHUCKLES] I...

He grabbed him.

Said we got the guy. It's the...

What do you... Power of suggestion.

So what do we do now?

Son, you got a bad-luck problem.

Somewhere out there, there's
an upside down horseshoe

with your name on it.

I'm just off my game is all.

You know I'm a winner.

All-state quarterback, cr*ck sh*t,

knocking all the pins
down with my eyes closed.

That's your boy,

not this puke pile.

All right, I think I know where you got

that thorn in your paw. Get the car.

Where we going?

To pay the boogeyman.

And you're saying that
the patient had a sur...

[BRIGGS] Mr. Seymour.

You're saying he had surgery
scheduled this morning,

but he checked himself out.

No, they took him.

- Who?
- Two men.

They said they were family.

That happens, right?
Patient gets cold feet.

Yeah, except his wife is hysterical

and nobody's seen him since.

[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA]

And on the same day, those
two FBI fellas showed up.

- FBI?
- Oh, yeah. They were looking for that

mental patient female, the runaway.

They're down in the cafeteria
right now, talking to Mr. Lyon.

[JOAQUIN] Well, like I said,
we just want to talk to your wife,

make sure she's okay.

Are you gentlemen quite certain

I can't offer you a gimlet?

Uh, no, thanks.

She gave us the slip,

but we think she's
running from someone else.

I'm sorry, I had a...

I'm-I'm a little sideways, still.

I...

Faulty wiring.

I-I think my house b*rned down.

And we have questions about that.

The night in question.
What you remember.

Neighbors said they saw a
couple of trick-or-treaters

fleeing the premises
after the flames started.

That...

Fleeing? I-I don't...

You ever see that movie, The, um...

Nightmare Before Christmas?

That-that's a weird movie.

I want to say I-I dreamed it, but in...

real life.

Well, sir, there's no
easy way to say this.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Um...

Your wife isn't who she says she is.

Dorothy Lyon... uh,

that's what we call an
alias in our line of work.

A cover story.

Her real name is Nadine Bump.

- Nadine?
- When he was a boy,

my son wanted to be a ballerina.

I told him...

[CLEARS THROAT] the male of the species

is called a "ballerino,"

but he couldn't be swayed.

What do you mean she's not my wife?

[JOAQUIN] Uh, no, no.

- She's your wife.
- But also, she isn't.

- I'm sorry?
- [MEYER] See, she was

married previously.

Still married, some
would say. Under the law.

To a-another man. A bad man.

So she ran away from him.

And found her way to you.

Posing as Dorothy.

- Posing?
- [JOAQUIN] It's a classic scam.

You find a gravestone in a cemetery,

somebody who d*ed young and
you take over their identity,

uh, Social Security number, etcetera.

We think this fella...

the original, maybe also
simultaneous husband...

found her and came after her.

Your wife.

That he took her that
first night last week.

Okay? And then, when she escaped,

he came back for her on Halloween,

maybe burning your house
down in the process.

And now she's fled.

So, we're hoping you
might have some insight

- as to possible destination.
- Excuse me.

Indira Olmstead, Scandia PD.

You've probably got a dozen
messages for me on your machine.

We're right in the middle
of an interview, officer.

On my case.

And believe me, you're
gonna want to hear

what I've got to say on the matter.

Have-have you seen my wife?

She was supposed to visit me today.

No, sir.

But I'm sure she's fine.

And your daughter.

My Scotty plays the drums.

[WINK] Rommel used the sound of drums

to drive his enemy mad.

We're done here.

Mr. Lyon, Mr. Lyon.

Uh, we'll-we'll circle back.

- Officer.
- Thank you so much.

Okay.

Ballerino.

[CATTLE LOWING]

- Hyah!
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[GATOR] Dad, come on.
You're not paying this guy.

Fine. We're upside down. And...

maybe it's voodoo or whatever, but...

solve it with a b*llet, not...

Otherwise, what?

We trust this guy?

♪ ♪

"Here's your money,
please lift the curse"?

I don't think so.

We tried k*lling him.

Now we're bailing water
out of a sinking boat.

Election's a week away and we're still

balls-deep on righting
old wrongs with Nadine,

our dicks in the breeze.

We need to take luck
out of the equation.

Period. End of story.

Go on, search him, then wait in the car.

- [COWBOY] Come on, come on.
- [CATTLE LOWING]

Let's go.

Let me see your hands.

[PATTING]

It's not a win.

We're calling a draw.

So don't get cocky.

I'm in the market for a bull.

There's a science to it, they tell me,
but I prefer to go on instinct.

Worked for my father and
his father before him.

We have business.

Christ, look at the
cock on that monster.

Meat is meat.

You don't talk much. I like that.

A man has only so many
words in his lifetime.

For us,

there are very few left.

Plus interest, 'cause we got sideways.

Now, I didn't make your deal
but if I had I would've been clear.

That woman's like a tick.

Can't crush her, can't
pull her out clean.

Suffocation is the key.

Or fire.

If I had a nickel for every
time she found the daylight

when I thought I had her buried...

Never had a problem before

or since, breaking a
woman, but that one, she's...

What'd you call her?

A tiger.

Right.

You think you're hunting
her but all the while

you're just a mouse and
she's playing with her supper.

[SIGHS]

Probably ought to let her be, but...

When a man digs a grave,

he has to fill it.

Otherwise, it's just a hole.

♪ ♪

Happy now, shitbird?

You got your money?

People are dead. Good men.

And you're still wandering the earth,

breathing the air they
should be breathing.

- [WHINES SOFTLY]
- [WEAK CHUCKLE]

A boy complains

because he thinks the world is unfair.

He cries to his mother

when the toy breaks
or the knee is skinned.

f*ck that. You're the
one who's gonna be crying.

A man knows better.

The things that happen happen.

Who lives, who dies.

You don't yell at the
boulder for being a rock.

[CHUCKLES]

You want the last word? Here it is.

I'll see you soon, assh*le.

[ENGINE STARTS]

♪ ♪

[JOAQUIN] His name is Roy Tillman.

He's the sheriff of Stark
County, North Dakota.

Dorothy Lyon was his wife.

She disappeared 11 years ago.

Until now, it was presumed dead.

[SCOFFS]

I saw him.

Yesterday.

At the Lyon Estate.

What was he doing there?

Looking for his wife, I'm guessing.

He's a real "I am the law" type,

- her husband.
- Except his version of the law is spending

a million dollars on tactical gear

and weapons on the taxpayer's dollar,

and then gifting them
to a right-wing militia.

Run by Roy's father-in-law.

Current father-in-law.

But how's Dorothy gonna
help you with that?

She hasn't been Mrs.
Tillman in ten years.

He runs a tight ship, the sheriff.

- Nobody talks.
- People disappear. Nadine...

- Mrs. Lyon.
- She knows all the players,

maybe even where the bodies are buried.

We use her to flip them.

[JOAQUIN] The son or the ranch foreman.

Do you know where she is?

I do not.

What about the abuse?

The fact that he used to b*at her?

Or the current crimes,
kidnapping attempts?

Conspiracy to k*ll a
North Dakota state trooper.

Or, I mean, this bystander
they grabbed up yesterday.

Probably took him back to the
ranch, thinking he's Wayne.

I say that we get a warrant
and go there today. Now.

God knows what they're gonna do with him

- when they realize he's a fake.
- And if he's not there?

Then we showed our hand,
he closes ranks, Mister...

Seymour.

Ends up thrown off a
cliff somewhere in Wyoming,

never to be seen again.

Yeah.

If you see her.

I'll call.

That's how this works, right?

You help me. I help you.

And we all help Dorothy.

You know... the victim.

[CLACK]

- [CROWD EXCLAIMS]
- [APPLAUSE]

[LARS SIGHS]

sh*t.

I'm bored.

Uh-huh.

Whose are these?

Don't touch that.

How come?

It's not a toy. It's a tool.

[CLACK]

Then why do they say "play the drums"?

Okay, I got to go out,

see my physical therapist.

What about dinner?

Um, she'll bring you something.

Probably.

Okay.

Don't burn the house down.

[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]
- [ENGINE STARTS]

[DRUMSTICKS TAPPING]

Problem, maybe.

Vivian or his man won't take my call.

Out of the office, his
girl said. Unreachable.

Unreachable?

Indefinitely unreachable.

What are they up to?

Uh, holding our feet to the fire, maybe.

Playing hard to get. Uh...

and then...

there's this.

- What's that?
- Uh, it's a...

it's a dress shirt, I think.

It's pink.

Uh, someone dropped this
off for you at reception.

- For me?
- Yeah.

It's monogrammed.

So it is.

V.D.

Oh, and you got this note.

_

- Security saw this?
- Yeah.

They got a handwriting guy
working on it, they said.

Seeing if they can trace the author.

What's it mean, you think...

"Not on my watch"?

And what's with the silver star?

Means the deal's off.

Thanks to Dorothy's husband.

- Wayne?
- No.

Idiot.

The first husband. The sheriff.

I didn't give him what he wanted, so...

this is tit for that.

[JEROME] Look who's up and around.

Oh, not now.

Oh, Mrs. Lyon.

Hey there, slugger.

How are you feeling?

Confused.

[LORRAINE] I thought
you were taking him to the house.

[JEROME] Yes, ma'am,
but he wanted to see you.

[WAYNE] I want to go home.

My home.

Sorry.

Your wife b*rned the house down.

[JEROME] I told him, but
he keeps asking for her.

Mrs. Lyon.

The other.

Mm.

She...

she went out of town for a few days.

Sightseeing.

And took Scotty with her.

They said you're supposed to rest.

So, Jerome's gonna take you home.

We made up your old room,
we got out all your stuffies.

I'll be home later, and we can visit.

Chef's making boeuf bourguignon

with those-those
little onions you like.

M... M-Mom, I wa... I w...

Get Vivian's cell phone number,

I don't care how.

And then gas up the Porsche.

Where am I going?

To steal an election.

♪ ♪

[MUFFLED DRUMMING]

[DRUMMING CONTINUES]

Look at you.

[CHUCKLES] This is a nice kit.

Well, it ought to be.

Cost enough.

Yeah, that was his last dream,

Mr. Pie in the Sky.

How was your day?

Super boring.

Where's Lars?

He left.

- He...
- Physical therapy or something.

But that was, like, an hour ago.

Did you bring dinner?

What was the last thing you ate?

I had some crackers before.

Like, at lunch.

[GRUNTS]

Okay, then.

Let's get your stuff.

Where are we going?

To Grandma's.

Yeah, you'll be safe here.

[WINK] All right,
let them have it, boys.

Nein! Ich bin ein Amrikaner.

No, they're not! Fire!

[IMITATES EXPLOSIONS]

- Aah!
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Look who I found.

Go ahead.

Daddy!

Scotty.

Hey.

- I love you.
- [SCOTTY] I missed you so much.

[WAYNE] Oh, Scotty.

[SCOTTY] Guess what, yesterday I got...

[CLEARS THROAT]

- [WAYNE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
- [SCOTTY] Yeah.

- [WAYNE] Oh, yeah?
- [SCOTTY] Your hand looks better.

What, did her mother have her
turning tricks outside the Save Mart?

- I'm sorry?
- Don't do that.

Women who apologize for
things that aren't their fault

might as well have "welcome
mat" written on their faces.

Now you tell me.

What's that?

That's the history of
your daughter-in-law,

written in punches and chokeholds.

Well, I'm sure I don't need to see that.

People who claim to be victims
are the downfall of this country.

Mrs. Lyon, have you ever in your life

heard your daughter-in-law
say that she was a victim?

Of anything?

You may not like it, but sometimes

crimes are committed against people.

They're victimized. And
it's not their fault.

I told him not to marry her.

This whole sordid mess.

You're saying if a woman is abused

and she manages to escape,

she should move to the
woods, live in a tree,

free from the burdens
of basic human contact?

God forbid she gets a fresh start,

a good man to wash out
the taste of the bad.

- I don't like your tone.
- Tough sh*t.

Some of us work for a living
and go home to empty houses

or-or houses that should be
empty but are instead filled

with the dirty underpants
of our man-child spouses.

Your problem is you think that
you're rich cause you're better than me.

Oh, please.

We're the same.

Up before dawn, making
our mark on the world.

- But you know who you're really in sync with?
- Hm?

Dorothy.

Yeah.

I know you don't want to see it,

but let me tell you what I see.

I see a woman who
outsmarted two kidnappers,

k*lled one of them and
nearly k*lled the other

and who probably saved your
son and granddaughter's lives

when they came at her
again at the house.

I see a woman who doesn't
quit, no matter what.

Who won't be silenced.

And, unlike you,

who never complains.

Even when her mother-in-law has
her committed to a mental hospital.

So I brought you her file

so at least you could
be an educated assh*le.

Come work for me.

- What?
- You saw the security team.

All those dicks.

Think about how that looks
for a woman in my position.

Come be window dressing...
that's the offer?

No, no. Come run the security team,

- be their boss.
- [SCOFFS]

I know you need the money.

I can help with your
debt, consolidate it,

set up a payment schedule,
get the jackals off your back.

Name your price.

That's...

I've got a job.

Cleaning vomit out of
the back of a squad car.

And look what they make you wear.

I'm talking about a white collar job,

a white collar salary with benefits,

running a team of agents,
traveling the world.

I mean, you can't-you can't
seriously turn that down.

Otherwise, you and I are nothing alike.

[SCOFFS QUIETLY]

- It's kind of you.
- No, it's not.

It's smart.

Take the job.

I...

I-I've got to think about it,

- if that's...
- Don't ask for permission.

Right.

I'm gonna think about it.

And in the meantime,

think about what I said.

About Dorothy.

She's out there somewhere.

And she's not asking for help.

But she needs it.

You've got 24 hours.

Or the opportunity disappears.

That's how the world works.

This brief window.

Thank you.

Aw, bet you didn't think
you were gonna say that

and mean it when you walked in here.

[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

Mr. Dugger.

- I have a call for you.
- What?

Thank you. Thanks.

Danish Graves, Redemption Services,

in case you forgot.

And I have Mrs. Lyon on the phone.

- For you.
- What?

Hello?

Are your balls in your belly,
looking for a safe place to hide?

Good.

Listen to me.

I'm pulling the offer.

That $100 million
is going to Mesa Prudential

out in Flagstaff.

What you get instead is the full might

of the federal government

reading the sh*t stains in
your underwear like tea leaves.

Mrs. Lyon...

Quiet.

A grown-up is talking.

I called the SEC chairman personally.

And as we speak,

two dozen federal agents

are in your office, seizing your books.

They've also frozen every personal

and business bank account you've got.

So...

I hope you didn't give all your
walking-around money to that stripper.

Oh. Plus, I-I hear

your son is starting his freshman
year at, um, Notre Dame?

Except, whoops.

- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- [PHONE RINGING]

You're late on tuition.

- [PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
- So, hmm.

Oh, that ring you hear...

that's your son on the other line

calling to tell you he's been expelled.

Mrs. Lyon, please.

Oh, "please."

That's your secret w*apon?

[SCOFFS]

Do you want to know
what your mistake was?

It was thinking death

is the worst thing that
could happen to you.

So, congratulations.

The sheriff's not gonna k*ll you.

Instead you're going to
live the rest of your days

in squalor,

surrounded by the dead-eyed
stares of your futureless children.

[SHORT CHUCKLE]

Have a nice night.

♪ ♪

[PAPER RUSTLES]

[MAN] Now I get it.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[ROARS]