01x06 - Holidays

[bunniefuu]

[soft electric piano music playing]

[sighs]

[Carol] Stupid weekend.

Stupid, dumb, stupid weekend.

[music fades]

[pensive instrumental music playing]

[music fades]

[synthesized vocals playing]

- Beautiful! I love it!
- What?

- Oh.
- All right, more of that.

Now, bigger. Bigger, now.

More agency now. Yeah, more energy.

That's it.

Okay, good. Let's, uh... Let's take five.

[somber string music playing]

[sighs]

[whirring]

[music fades]

The capsule will showcase
the diverse life and culture Earth...

[woman] Cynthia Torres, the last woman
in Cincinnati, is happy knowing...

- [static hissing]
- [gentle guitar music playing]

- [static hissing]
- Everyone knows, bitch!

Everyone!

I swear to God,
if Keppler doesn't k*ll you, I will!

- [fighting grunts]
- [static hisses, stops]

Jesus!

[jazzy rendition
of "Silent Night" playing]

[man on TV] ...with the remaining crew
abandoning The Grand Coda,

- leaving passengers stranded aboard the...
- [TV cuts out]

- [kids laughing]
- [doorbell chimes]

[gasps] Marlon, your mom is here!

[all] Merry April Christmas!

- [Donna] Oh!
- [all laughing]

[Donna chuckles]

Mmm! [kisses]

The house looks insane!

- [laughs]
- Oh, thanks. It took forever.

[gasps] Ooh!

You're getting so cute!

Hi, Jackie, Connor, James, Janet,

Vanisha, Sherry, Kristina.

And who is this?

Oh, this is Afu.

Here. Sherry knit you a sweater.

- Put it on.
- Right now?

- [Sherry] Come on. You gotta wear it.
- I mean, yeah, we all got ours.

Okay, okay! I'll put it on.

[family laughing]

You mumbled everything.

Everything! [chuckles]

Jackie, did I mumble?

No, but you were doing
this weird voice thing.

- [laughing]
- Yes, yes! What was that goofy-ass voice?

Uh... [affects eerie voice]
"I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past!"

That was a British accent!

Nobody else was doing an accent.

Oh, it's perfect!

I was following the script.
It's Dickens. It's a British play.

You remember Connor in A Christmas Carol?

[chuckles] When was this? Middle school?

No, high school.
Yeah, I think you had to work.

Oh.

- They ruined acting for me anyway.
- No, we saved you.

They kept walking up afterwards

and asking for autographs
in front of everyone,

calling me Denzel.

We were trying to cheer you up.

I... I don't remember you acting.

Some wine?

[inhales sharply] Thank you.

[doorbell chimes]

[crickets chirping]

Trick-or-treat!

Um, hold on.

Okay.

You're real.

I'm sorry.

I think I had too much wine

to drink.

What?

I'm drunk. I'm sorry.

Do you have candy?

I don't know.

If you promise not to cry or make a mess,

I guess you can come in and look for some.

I'm not supposed to.

Yeah.

Wow. It's already dark out.

Should you even be out this late?

I'm a vampire.

Hi.

I'm Carol.

[light jazz playing on stereo]

[doorbell chimes]

[boy] Trick-or-treat!

Hi, Greg.

Hi, Carol. Oh. Are you okay?

No, I'm pretty drunk right now.

I wasn't going to tell you,
but I guess I just did.

I'm sorry.

I'm drunk.

Are you the Tin Man?

[chuckles] No, I'm just Greg.
Honey, do we have any candy?

- No, but we have pie.
- [gasps] Do you want pie?

Two, please.

Is this your nephew?

No. I don't know who this is.

I'm trying to get him home.

He's alone and it's dark.

And I don't really...

Kids make me nervous.

The costume?

No, but it doesn't help.

- Will you please help me get him home?
- Of course!

Honey, make those pies to go.
I need to help a little Dracula get home.

I'm a vampire.

[Greg's wife] Do they want Thanksgiving
turkey or some mashed potatoes?

Nope, just bring the pies.

["Jingle Bells" instrumental playing]

[Donna] Mm!

[Donna chuckles]

Sherry, this must be your influence.

'Cause we don't have
the cooking gene in my family.

That's not true.

- Marlon could always cook.
- Since when?

He taught us how to make breakfast.

- He did?
- [James] Yeah.

- I didn't realize...
- Home Ec.

Oh.

Now, if Mom was hosting Christmas dinner,
it would be at the old King Buffet.

[all laughing]

All-you-can-eat garlic bread?
Y'all loved that place!

Yeah, because you'd let us
start off with the soft-serve and candy.

Okay, that sounds bad,
but that was only on Christmas.

Back in the day, my gift game was lacking,

so I just let y'all get
cracked out on sugar.

It was the least I could do.

Oh, remember? Remember?
"Your balls are showing."

- [all laughing]
- Oh my God!

[laughs]

What?

What did the rug
say to the Christmas tree?

One Christmas,
they wouldn't stop with that!

It was so embarrassing.
The whole dinner was that.

Five like that? I can't imagine it.

I can barely handle
the fighting between these three.

[sighs] It was nice sometimes.

I remember coming home from work
and they'd all be crawled up on my bed,

like four little puppies. [chuckles]

That's because we were hiding
from Connor and the handyman.

- The what?
- Oh my God. The handyman!

[all laughing]

I forgot about the handyman.

What's that?
You never told me about no handyman.

- It was this thing Connor used to do.
- No, we all did it.

Pfft. Stop. You always did that.

Okay, but Mom left me in charge
and you all wouldn't listen.

- So I had to be creative.
- What was it?

Connor would wear
a slice of ham on his face,

then he would chase us
around the house with a wrench.

[affects gruff voice]
"Are these shelves loose?"

[laughter]

Yeah. And then it became...
Uh, what was that again?

"Did you change the furnace filter?"

[all laughing]

I don't even know why it was so scary!

See, and you all say I'm not a good actor.

Yeah. You're only good
with the piece of ham on your face.

Where was I in all of this?

That's when you
worked nights at the Food Lion.

Right.

Oh, man. Remember when
she set off the fire alarm? "Wake up!"

And Connor still be sleeping.

That's where you got that? Dad does that.

Well, yeah.
You have Grandma to thank for that.

God, she's so big.

[inhales sharply]
You were this tiny little thing.

You all were.

So, is everyone taking off in the morning?

Yeah. Afu and I are going
to New Zealand for a wedding.

- The Great Barrier Reef.
- Stonehenge.

- The salt flats in Bolivia.
- India.

And you?

Me? Oh, you know.

Staying in town.
Still got a lot of work to do on my novel.

You never know.

Maybe going out and exploring the world
will get your creative juices going.

Yeah, maybe.

[soft instrumental music playing]

Thank you!

[plate clatters]

So, Mr. Vampire,
do you know where you live?

And what direction would that be?

Oh, down there?

Okay. And do you happen to know how far?

[doorbell chimes]

I guess it's that way.

You think maybe

we should get the m*llitary involved?

Carol, those tiny feet of his
couldn't have gone that far.

- We'll just trick-or-treat him home.
- Hopefully it's close.

[sighs] I don't know.

I have, like,
six things I say to strangers.

"Hello."

"How are you?"

"Nice to meet you."

"Were you using that?"

"Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

- [boy] Trick-or-treat!
- But with kids, it's a free-for-all.

You ask them their name
and they'll say, "You look sad,"

then forget they even said it.

I think they're fun.

[dramatic instrumental music playing]

[all] Trick-or-treat!

[doorbell chimes]

[boy] Trick-or-treat!

[man playing Beethoven's
"Moonlight Sonata" rapidly]

- [flubs note, bangs piano keys]
- f*ck!

[man continues playing rapidly]

[dramatic music resumes]

[ominous music playing]

[music halts]

[dramatic music resumes]

Whoa!

[Carol] Hello?

Is anyone home?

[cat screeches]

[cats growling, hissing]

[music fades]

They gave me a Jolly Rancher!

Wow! That's a lot of candy!

Yeah, I got Snickers,

two Snickers,

Dots, Reese's Pieces,

Twix, Butterfingers,

chocolate mints, Fruit Chews, Skittles,

M&Ms, Kit Kats, gummy worms,
Sour Patch Kids...

- [sighs deeply]
- [peaceful ambient music plays]

[boy]...Three Musketeers, gum, Warheads,

three packs of Starbursts, marshmallows,

Twizzlers, black Twizzlers...

- Laffy Taffy, Life Savers.
- [music fades]

That's great. Isn't that great, Carol?

[Carol] Uh-huh.

And a chocolate bunny
and a bunch of lollipops.

[doorbell chiming]

[doorbell chiming]

Hey, buddy? I don't think anyone is home.

[doorbell chiming]

Um, young man?

How about the next house
be our last, okay?

We still don't even know where you live.

[doorbell chiming]

Young man?

[doorbell chiming]

It's getting late.

- [up-tempo electronic music playing]
- Hey!

Come back!

[both panting]

Mr. Vampire!

[eerie music swells]

Oh, God. I think I'm gonna die.

[Carol sighs]

[music fades]

[Carol groans]

- Are you okay?
- [Carol groans]

[sighs]

No!

[up-tempo electronic music resumes]

[music intensifies]

[music fades]

sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!

[crickets chirping]

[sighs]

[car approaching]

It's everything we talked about.

Ten Percocet, two dozen Xanax,
and a Tylenol 3.

Enjoy.

[soft ambient music playing]

[phone ringing]

[in Spanish] Hi, Mom.

Thank you, Mom.

Yeah, just some people over.

Nothing too big.

I love you, too.

Yes, Mom, I'm still gay.

Thank you for calling.

Say hi to Dad for me, okay?

I love you. Kisses.

[kisses]

[R&B Christmas tune playing]

♪ I can see... ♪

[Marlon] Sherry, do you know
where the other nightlight is?

I wish I didn't have to work
as much as I did.

[sighs] I had to, you know?

♪ It's Christmas Eve... ♪

Maybe I could have done it differently.

♪ My baby's coming home ♪

♪ Oh, merry ♪

♪ Merry, merry Christmas ♪

♪ Oh, joyful ♪

♪ Joyful, joyful soul... ♪

[Greg] Vampire!

Little vampire!

Mr. Vampire?

[somber orchestral music playing]

I'm sorry, vampire boy!

Please come back!

Sir, sir, have you seen
a tiny vampire walk by?

Like Nosferatu?

No, like a Dracula, but smaller.

I have candy, little boy!

Or I can get some!

- All the candy you want!
- [leaves rustling]

- Me?
- No, not you.

A little vampire boy.

- Aww.
- [engine revs]

[motorcycle engine stops]

Little vampire?

Hello?

[music fades]

[crickets chirping]

Um, hi.

So, I guess...

I'm not sure, but...

Um, do you want to come down now?

Maybe go home?

You smell.

[sniffs] Yeah.

That's vomit.

I'm sorry about that.

So, are you okay?

'Cause I was pretty worried about you.

It's weird.

Usually...

I mean, I can handle teens

and some older ones,

but anything younger, I struggle.

I couldn't even play
with baby dolls when I was your age.

I shouldn't have tried
to force you to go home,

but when you went missing,
I got really scared.

You did?

Yeah. More scared
than kids usually make me.

I like being scary.

Yeah, well, you're the scariest.

Will you forgive me?

I hate baby dolls too.

Yeah, they creep me out.

Even looking at pregnant women
sometimes kind of...

Do you know what a panic att*ck is?

No.

It's like, um,

if someone took all your candy,

and you couldn't find it,

but you had to find it.

And then you realize

maybe there wasn't
any candy in the first place.

You're funny.

I don't know about that,

but I want to thank you
for not insulting me for no reason.

[uplifting organ music playing]

[car horn honks]

Where are your parents?

[car engine turns over]

All set?

[atonal synthesized vocals playing]

[vocal music swells]

[kids chatter excitedly]

["Rockin' Around
the Christmas Tree" playing]

♪ Rockin' around the Christmas tree ♪

♪ At the Christmas party hop ♪

- ♪ Mistletoe hung where you can see ♪
- [kids laughing]

♪ Every couple tries to stop ♪

♪ Rockin' around the Christmas tree ♪

♪ Let the Christmas spirit ring ♪

[inaudible conversation]

♪ Later we'll have some pumpkin pie... ♪

Oh.

Thanks.

[murmurs] Merry Christmas, Mom.

Daddy! Santa got me a new bicycle!

[Marlon] If you look,
there's more under the tree.

- This one's for you.
- Oh.

What's this?

Who's it from?

Santa!

[gasps] Oh.

[Donna gasps]

Where did you find this?

In the attic with Grandma's old stuff.

[Donna gasps]

Oh my God.

[chuckling]

Ooh, look at you.

Oh! Nail salon.

- [Jackie] Tired Santa!
- [all laughing]

Mom came home from a double being like,

"Sorry, I'm late. My reindeer broke down."

Yeah, then dumped like two garbage bags
filled with toys on the ground

- and collapsed on the couch.
- [all laughing]

- That was so funny!
- And she was out!

Woman didn't wake up
until the next morning.

[all laughing]

Oh, and we just left her there.

sh**t, that suit was comfortable
with the pillows.

[all laughing]

- That's still my favorite Christmas.
- Mine too.

["Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"
instrumental playing]

[song fades out]

[faint birdsong]

[train whistle blows]

[bell dinging]

[Sherry] Trish. Come say goodbye
to everyone, okay?

[train whistle blowing]

[Donna] Mmm! Ooh!

[laughing]

[Donna coos, kisses]

[soft organ music playing]

[inhales sharply, sighs]

Mm.

Thank you for the gift.

It means a lot. It really does.

[sighs]

I wish...

I just know there should have been
a lot more of me in here.

Mom, no.

Yeah, you did enough.

You did.

[inhales sharply] Thank you.

- We should do this again.
- [laughs] Yeah. Next month.

- [Donna chuckles]
- May Christmas. Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah! May Christmas! [chuckles]

[Donna sniffles] Mmm.

["Silent Night" playing on organ]

[choir singing] ♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon Virgin ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪

[sighs]

♪ Holy infant ♪

- ♪ So tender and mild ♪
- [car engine turns over]

[engine revving]

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ Peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ Shepherds quake ♪

♪ At the sight... ♪