01x07 - The Beetle Broach

[bunniefuu]

- Sloppy.
- Poor.

- Not up to par.
- Lackadaisical.

[both] Do we need to go on?

I... don't understand.

Gil, your output has been unsatisfactory
and grounds for reprimand.

Which is why we think
you might benefit from a little vacation.

Wha... A vacation?

A two-week, paid vacation.

Mandatory.

- Oh, please. No, I can't.
- [eerie music playing]

It's for the best, Gil.

It's time for you
to take a load off and relax.

See the world.

Please! I'll do better...

We've already set your phone
and email messages to outgoing.

Oh please!

Oh God!

Don't do this to me. [sobbing]

[both, cheerfully] Meeting adjourned.

Maybe you can show us pictures
when you get back.

I can't go on a vacation.

[eerie music swells, halts]

- [somber piano music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]

Don't you just love it here?

I'm learning to play the trombone.

Ahh!

[pulsing dance music b*at sounding]

[somber piano music continues]

[music fades]

[melancholy music playing]

- [flashbulb pops]
- Name?

Petey... Leonard.

That's Payroll.
This is Accounts Receivable.

Sales is two floors up.
Marketing is one down.

Conservative colors are recommended.

And this right here is you.

Any questions?

Welcome aboard.

[sighs]

[music fades]

[faint birdsong]

[keyboards clacking]

[distant printer whirring]

It was a vintage piece,
handmade with gold trimmings.

And it's not at home?

[Luis] No, it has to be here.
It must've fallen off somewhere.

You know it. I wear it every day.

You do?

Since when?

Since forever.
I never leave the house without it.

It's my lucky beetle broach.
You've seen it.

Luis, this is the first time
I'm hearing of this bug broach.

It had a chain and emerald wings.

Remember?

My beetle broach.

I used to get compliments.

"What a beautiful broach."
"That's a beautiful broach."

You know, things people say
to someone wearing one.

I feel like I would remember that.

Carol?

It's a beetle?

Look, here, see?

That's where it used to go.
It left a hole.

Donna, my abuela gave me that broach.

This is serious.

It's my signature broach.

Luis, relax.

If this broach neither of us have seen
or can remember does exist,

then maybe someone found it
and put it in the lost and found.

We have a lost and found?

Oh boy.

[sighs] This is gonna take forever.

It's got to be somewhere in here.

This would be easier if I knew
what the hell it actually looked like.

Bug broach.

Donna, it's a beetle broach.

The broach I've worn my whole life.

[scoffs] If you say so.

Wow, look at all this.

Yeah, it's amazing
no one thought to throw this crap out.

Donna, these are people's belongings.

Not anymore.

But, like, look at this scarf.

It's so pretty.
I wonder what happened to it.

- Carol, it's a scarf.
- [soft harp music playing]

They're a dime a dozen.
I get one every year.

Someone was cold,
they wore it out and forgot it on a chair.

The end.

I guess so.

Trust me, Carol, not everything
has some huge, elaborate story.

[somber music playing]

[rapid electronic music playing]

[grinder whirring]

[coffee makers percolating]

[steam hissing]

[engine revving]

[music intensifies]

[dramatic electronic stinger playing]

[car alarm wailing]

[car horn honking]

[sighs]

The coffee.

Are you okay?

I need coffee.

[upbeat, jaunty march playing]

sh*t, man. You need help?

[rapid electronic music resumes]

[steam hissing]

[coffee machines percolating]

[engine revving]

Yo, baby!

You wanna race,
or you wanna suck on some exhaust?

[laughing]

Espresso, baby!

Holy sh*t!

[people screaming]

[tires screeching]

[elevator bell chimes]

[music fades]

[watch beeps]

[sighs] Oh...

sh*t.

Saturday.

Who loses sh*t like this?

Just keep looking.

We're getting close, okay? I can feel it.

It's sad seeing all this stuff.

I bet they're missed.

[light instrumental playing]

[man] ♪ I'm singin' in the rain ♪

♪ Just singin' in the rain ♪

♪ What a glorious feeling ♪

- ♪ I'm happy again ♪
- [grumbling]

I don't know. I just hate losing things.

In the fourth grade,
I left a thermos at the zoo.

[sighs] Sometimes
I still go back and look for it.

[keyboards clacking]

[man screaming]

- [man grunts, wails in pain]
- [clacking stops]

[wind blowing]

[clacking resumes]

Hey, look. An earring.

Hold up. That's mine.
I wondered where that went.

[R&B music plays faintly]

[Donna] Kiss my neck.

[Carol] There's actually
a lot of earrings in here.

After this, we're done. You hear me?

We can't keep... [moaning]

Nope, not my style. Mm.

Too flashy.

[somber music playing]

[music fades]

[watch beeps]

[doorbell chimes]

Cassoulet is just about ready.

[soft R&B playing on stereo]

It's in the style of Toulouse.

Is that a region in France?

[man 1] Mm-hm.

Did those numbers ever come back?

A 104.3% chance of impact.

[man 2] Out of 100?

[man 1] That's the number
the computer came back with.

[man 2] That doesn't make sense.

- Do you know Wigner?
- The violinist?

Mathematician.

He saw math as this miracle because
of how it made everything make sense.

Maybe the computer is wrong.

You're missing the point.

We're staring at a real miracle here.

- You think it would make a good play?
- A what?

A good two-act play.

About a group of scientists
and a computer.

Oh, uh...

I don't know.

Maybe?

The first act is set in London.
The second at Harvard.

Eugene Wigner is in it.
He eats a cassoulet.

You want to write a play?

I'm actually thinking
about quitting NASA to do it.

Whoa. Wow.

- Come with me.
- What?

Come and help me write this play.

I have a treatment and everything.
We're both in it, and Wigner.

The actor playing the computer will
speak into a microphone from offstage.

I... can't.

- You don't like the play?
- No. I just can't.

Why not?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

[sighs] There's nothing I can't believe.

[man 1 grunts]

Suck my f*ck, Keppler 9C.

- Easy, buddy.
- And eat sh*t! Whoa!

- I'm okay, I'm okay.
- Let's go back inside.

Don't f*cking touch me! I'm fine.

I'm... fine.



- A whole bag of sh*t.
- [glass shatters]

[somber music playing]

[music fades]

[soft ambient music playing]

[walkie-talkie chirps]

I'm here. How was your day? Over.

[man] Pretty much
the best day of my life. Over.

Same. Over.

[man] I rode a bull named Brutus
for 17 seconds. Over.

I went white-water rafting
without a life jacket. I almost d*ed.

Over.

[man] What are you doing tomorrow? Over.

Drag race through the city. You? Over.

[man] Reuniting with
a long-lost brother. Over.

Tell me how it goes. Over.

[man] You know...

You know, I was thinking maybe...

If you ever wanted...

That we could...

[emotional music building]

[man] Nah, you're busy.

[man sighs] Over.

What were you going to ask? Over.

[man] It's nothing.

Over.

Okay.

Over.

[music fades]

[Donna gasps]

You know what this reminds me of?

Shopping secondhand.

I always liked Goodwill.

Not the clutter or the childless toys.

But some of the sweaters were nice.

I once got a clock from Goodwill.

The kids swore it was haunted. [chuckles]

But two bucks is a deal, and it worked.

[inhales, sighs]
That's good enough for me.

I feel like you guys aren't even looking!

[somber music playing]

[music fades]

[dramatic piano intro playing on stereo]

["I Will Survive"
by Gloria Gaynor playing]

♪ At first I was afraid ♪

♪ I was petrified ♪

♪ Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side ♪

♪ But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong ♪

♪ And I grew strong ♪

♪ And I learned how to get along ♪

♪ And so you're back ♪

♪ From outer space ♪

♪ I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face ♪

♪ I should have changed that stupid lock ♪

♪ I should have made you leave your key ♪

♪ If I'd known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me ♪

♪ Go on now, go ♪

♪ Walk out the door ♪

♪ Just turn around now ♪

♪ 'Cause you're not welcome anymore ♪

♪ Weren't you the one
Who tried to hurt me with goodbye? ♪

♪ You think I'd crumble? ♪

♪ You think I'd lay down and die? ♪

♪ Oh no, not I ♪

♪ I will survive ♪

♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive ♪

♪ I've got all my life to live ♪

♪ And I've got all my love to give ♪

♪ I'll survive ♪

♪ I will survive ♪

- [song fades out]
- [panting]

[Overture from Mozart's
Don Giovanni playing]

[orchestral music continues]

[somber music playing]

[music fades]

[soft, melancholy string music playing]

[wheels squeaking faintly]

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

[strains]

[exclaims in Russian]

[whirring]

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

[speaking Russian]

[music fades]

[melancholy music resumes]

[fly swatter snapping]

[Dad] What are you doing?

[in Russian] Almost done.

[in English] Um, Mom?

David?

- Who is she?
- I don't know.

[in Russian]
Your garbage disposal is broken.

[wheels squeaking faintly]

[speaking Russian]

[cleaning lady humming]

[sighs]

[in Russian] Good morning little planet.

[laughing]

[coughing]

[sighs]

[music fades]

[sighs]

[somber music playing]

[printer whirring]

[man 1] Where is it? You see it?

Christ. This is it, isn't it?

No, come on. You don't know.

[man 2] It's aliens, right?

It's got to be aliens.

Oh God, it's aliens!

Just get the car ready.

Yes, pack everything.

I don't know where.
It doesn't matter, just pack!

[man 3] Calm down!

[man on radio] We ask for patience
as we continue gathering information

on the planetary object
that has appeared over the...

- Don't you see? We're all gonna die!
- [woman screams]

All of us, eaten up like nothing!

[man 4] Get out of my way!

[panting]

[screaming]

[solemn ambient music playing]

[music fades]

[sighs]

I'm sorry we didn't find your broach.

It sounded like a really beautiful broach.

[plaintive string music playing]

[music fades]

[man in high voice] I feel anxious.

[in low voice] I like banana bread.

[in high voice]
We should talk more to Doug.

[plaintive music resumes]

Well, that's it, I guess.

[music fades]

[somber music playing]

[phone ringing]

Golden Harvest Foods.

[keyboards clacking]

[music intensifies]

Those reports ready for me yet?

I need you to hunt down all our receipts
for this past quarter. Thank you.

Yeah.

It's not zeroing out.

[music fades]

[cries] I really thought
we were gonna find it.

Well, you never know.

Sometimes things pop back up.

Like all this stuff.

[melancholy piano music playing]

[Carol] The umbrellas, the sweaters,

these pants with
the rude word on the butt.

I don't know.

They're kind of like everyone here.

Aw, hell no.

I know you didn't just
call me an umbrella.

No.

[sighs] Maybe.

But hear me out.

Thank you.
Don't forget October and November.

[Carol] It's like there was a time
we were all lost...

looking for somewhere to go.

[man 1] It's aliens, right?
It's got to be aliens!

Oh God! it's aliens!

- [frantic laughter]
- [fire alarm ringing]

[woman screams]

[people sobbing]

[running footsteps]

[people screaming]

[man 2] We're all f*cked!

[screaming stops]

[people sobbing]

I need the reports from January
on my desk by end of day. Thank you.

[sobbing continues]

[melancholy music continues]

[continues tapping on calculator]

[tapping continues, fades]

[keyboard clacking]

- [office phones ringing]
- [keyboards clacking]

[woman] You're not gonna believe
what I'm doing right now.

I'm working!

Yeah, at a real thing.

I'm not kidding.

[phone receiver clicks]

[music intensifies]

Right. Let's get you started.

[flashbulb pops]

[flashbulb pops]

[flashbulb pops]

I need the reports from January
on my desk by end of day. Thank you.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Holy crap, is this for real?

- [music swells, fades]
- [Donna murmurs]

It better not be no f*cking cult.

[melancholy music resumes]

Don't make me go back out there.

I can't! Please! Please, no!

No, I hate it. I hate it out there!

[flashbulb pops]

---

That's Payroll,
this is Accounts Receivable,

Sales is two floors up,
Marketing is one down,

these men are all named Terry,

and this right here is you.

I guess what I'm saying is,

sometimes you just
gotta give things time to be lost.

You know?

Before they can be found.

Thanks, Carol.

[soft piano music playing]

[satisfied sigh] Well, are we done here?

[music halts]

[Doug humming]

[Doug in low voice] Oh!

There you are!
I've been looking for you all day.

[in beetle language]
You were looking for me?

- I was looking for you!
- [Doug chuckling]

[in beetle language]
Hahahahaha!

[makes kissing noises]

[music swells, fades out]