05x19 - Homecoming

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Look at those eyes.

Great teeth, cute nose...

And those whiskers!

Hey, check it out, everybody.

This is one mean-looking cougar.

Good, because this morning, it looked like a Chihuahua.

Can I try blinking the eyes?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

But don't blink them too hard

or else the eyelashes will fall off.

That once happened to my music teacher.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, way to go, Web.

Some day, you might make the Rose Parade.

ALL: [ Chanting ] Undefeated! Undefeated!

Clinton Cougars, undefeated!

Other teams don't have a chance!

Clinton Cougars underpants!

Yay!

Heh. Don't mind Web.

He's just got a case of terminal school spirit.

Hey, no wonder.

Since his cousin's

the guy that won the game for us yesterday.

Yeah!

Aw, come on.

All I did was catch the last touchdown.

You guys already had them nailed to nothing.

[ Grunts ] Hey, buddy.

It was your catch that put it out of reach.

Don't be so modest.

Okay, put me down

and I promise never to be modest again.

Yeah, Condo.

Put him down before his shoes pop off.

Yeah, hey, man, besides,

if anybody should hug him, it should be Heather.

ALL: Ooh!

NICKY: Guys, come one. Oh, man! Guys, you're terrible.

Here, Heather. But just remember --

We need him in shape for the homecoming game.

Yeah, when we b*at Taft, we go to the state championships!

[ All cheering ]

Well, we can't go anywhere with a broken tongue.

Can someone help me fix it?

Hey, Webatron, "A"-plus

on all the hours you put in on this float.

It's worth it.

My school paper did an article about me

riding in a high school float.

Is that right?

Yeah!

I got bigger headlines

than a teachers' ban on felt-tip pens.

[ Chuckles ]

Then I'll say we make you an honorary cougar.

Let's hear you growl.

Rawr!!

Ooh, I'm staying on his good side.

That's your best bet.

You were great at making that catch yesterday.

I got lucky.

I was already in the end zone when I tripped.

Come on. Don't be modest.

Okay. I was great!

Uh, listen.

Yes?

Well, I was sort of wondering...

Well, you know how some girls like to wear...

what I mean --

I'd love to wear your jacket.

You would?

WEBSTER: Hey, look -- The float's done.

Hey, Nicky. The float's done!

The float? What float?

Oh, brother.

Oh, that float.

Fantastic.

TIM: Hey, everybody.

Let's celebrate our first sure-win next week.

Party, my house, tonight, everyone's invited.

Boy: Yeah! All right!

Even honorary cougars?

Hey, we're gonna need a deejay.

Can you spin discs as good as you can blink eyes?

Can Vanna White spell? Yeah.

Uh, Tim, I don't think your folks

are gonna go for a party.

Why? They told me to invite everyone.

They're looking forward to it.

Can I talk to you for a second, man?

You crazy, man?

You've been scrimmaging without your helmet?

What? Your house?

Man, I'm supposed to be the dumb one.

Think about it, squeegee-brain.

Do you want everybody to find out --

Hey, hey, big deal.

Who's gonna turn us in?

Relax.

Hi, everybody.

BOY: Hey! Hi, Mr. Papadapolis.

Well, it is done.

It looks great.

Congratulations.

Well, let's go.

I'm ready.

But something's wrong with Nicky.

Wake up, Nicky. [ Chuckles ]

Hi, Uncle George.

Get your coat and let's go.

Uncle George, I kind of loaned mine to Heather.

Oh.

Say no more.

TIM: Hey, uh, Mr. P.?

Yeah?

You really gonna speak at our pep rally?

Of course I'm gonna speak at your pep rally.

I'm a big fan.

Oh, incidentally, congratulations

on that great touchdown pass the other day.

It was great. Hey, thanks.

Coming from you, that's a great compliment.

They always compliment the quarterback.

No one ever notices the linemen, not even my mom.

Listen, I noticed you.

I noticed it took two guys to take you out.

Man, those guys were giving me fits.

They were holding me the whole game.

Yeah, well, get used to it.

When I played, I was held more than cheerleaders.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, Mr. P.? Yeah?

You got any tips on the big Taft game?

Keep your chin up, give it %,

and don't eat any chili dogs before the game.

[ Laughter ]

Two, four, six, eight!

ALL: Who do we appreciate?

George! George! Yeah, George!

Say, Nicky.

Why didn't you ask George about the party tonight?

'Cause I figured out the best way to do it -- subtle.

We have to be subtle.

Subtle, right.

I'll be so subtle, he won't even know I'm there.

Okay. It's first and goal.

On one. Break.

Mm, that's good.

Say, George. Hmm?

I want to let you know -- That was one smooth ride home.

Did anyone tell you what a great driver you are?

You know, I'm glad you brought that up.

You know, I was honored by the state of Illinois

with a driver's license.

Well, they sure made a good choice.

I mean, you just make those curves melt.

Listen, you two guys have a shovel?

No. Why?

I'd like to shovel some of the stuff

you guys have been giving me off the floor.

[ Chuckles ]

So, what are you guys up to?

[ Whispering ] Subtle.

[ Normal voice ] Well, we were kind of hoping to go

to a team party tonight.

You know, it's just some of the guys.

It's not gonna be wild.

Yeah, not wild. Just gonna be some of the guys.

Would, uh, one of the guys be wearing your jacket?

Okay, maybe a few girls.

Tim's mom and dad are gonna be there,

so you don't have to worry about us

having any fun or anything.

Oh, good.

Because I don't want you guys having any fun.

Can we go?

I mean, I want to be the deejay.

Please?

Sure, you can go.

Just as long as there's a chaperone

and you take care of the deejay.

Oh, I will, Uncle George.

All right.

This is Webster, jamming al-l-l night long, long.

Ready to jive you live with the funk that ain't no junk.

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

[ Laughter ]

Uh, Uncle George, I was wondering --

do you think I could borrow your aftershave?

You know, I want to smell good for...

for the guys.

Just don't use Sure Starter. That's for married men.

Wow!

Uncle George, we're ready to party.

Mmm... Smells like Macho Musk in here.

Yeah, I used a few capfuls, too.

Makes me smell older.

[ Chuckles ] Older and further.

We're driving over with Dirk's dad,

but we need a lift back.

And you know what a great driver you are.

Will you cut it out?

Spin your last disc at :.

I'll be over to pick you guys up.

Great. Here's his address.

Okay. Have a good time.

Listen --

We got to get there before Condo.

He can inhale a buffet in seconds.

Right.

Bye, George.

Bye, Uncle George!

Albany Park?

Hi.

Hi, how was your practice?

Ah, it was great.

Heather smiled at me three times,

waved at me twice, and winked at me once.

I meant football practice, not footsie practice.

And then she said I have Tom Cruise's lips.

Somebody better call Tom to let him know

just in case he wants to eat.

You can laugh all you want, Web.

But right now, life is great.

I mean, just a few months ago,

I was back in Iowa working in a smelly old barn

cleaning stalls and talking to a chicken named Pete.

And today, I am on a championship football team

and the prettiest girl in school is wearing my jacket.

Are you gonna be like this from now on?

'Cause I may want to move into that stall with Pete.

Let's go.

GEORGE: Come on. Come on, you guys.

Hey! Hold it for a minute!

Come on.

Just 'cause Katherine's out of town for a couple of days

doesn't mean you have to ruin the furniture.

Put that back.

We got a serious problem.

It sounds serious.

It must be.

He's using his report card voice.

The problem is where Tim lives.

Oh, I know.

Did you see those pink flamingos on the lawn.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, he lives miles away from the school district.

He shouldn't be on your football team.

Sure, he should. He goes to Nicky's high school.

Yeah, well, that's the problem.

He should be going to Roosevelt High.

Apparently your coach saw him play when he was younger

and convinced him to go to Clinton.

He game him a phony address.

Oh, well, that can't be.

I mean, the coach hand-picked him to be the captain...

of the Cougars.

S-so you think that Coach Stevens really did that?

Yes. He did it.

And let me tell you something -- it's illegal.

Well, how illegal?

Illegal enough for suspensions and forfeits.

Oh, no.

Are you gonna turn us in?

No, but I'm gonna talk to your coach

and find out what the heck's going on.

[ Sighs ]

Say, did you talk to the coach?

Well, I saw Uncle George's car this morning.

I'm sure he didn't come here

to sample the darkish food in the cafeteria.

I'm sure coach had a real good reason for everything.

You can count on it.

There's got to be a good reason, right?

Great reason.

What if there's not?

I mean, do you think George would use

his report card voice on the coach?

He might.

But I don't think it'd matter.

I don't think the coach

would kick Condo and Tim off the team now.

No way.

We got to win the championship.

Right, and that's what will happen.

We'll win the championship, and the coach

will straighten everything out for next year.

That's the only thing that makes sense.

And you were so worried.

I wasn't worried.

Hey, guys. Did you hear the news?

We're finished.

Coach Stevens is out,

and Tim and Condo were kicked off the team.

What? What happened?

I don't know.

What I heard is that the coach knew that Tim and Condo

were living outside the school district

and -- and it's illegal or something.

I still can't believe any of this, man.

All I know is some creep got to Coach Stevens,

and he decided to resign.

Now we have to forfeit all our games.

Man, that sleazebag must have found out

and forced coach to quit.

The best football season our school ever had,

and some pond scum ruins it all!

Definitely the lowest form of life.

Hey, knock it off.

My Uncle George is none of those things.

He just went to talk to coach.

[ Sighs ]

Your uncle?

Oh, come on, man. Quit kidding, huh?

Yeah, Nicky. This isn't funny.

He isn't kidding.

But George wouldn't force the coach

to quit or do anything.

Oh, yeah, right.

Coach just resigned and ruined our whole season

'cause he wanted to.

Look, I don't know what went on between them,

but don't dump on Uncle George.

It was Coach Stevens who messed up.

Yeah, well, he was doing fine until your uncle talked to him.

Yeah, now we got no sh*t at being state champs.

Thanks for nothing, man.

That was close.

I like my eggs over easy, not over my face.

I think they're gone. Let's go check out front.

All right.

Oh, no!

They T.P.'d the house again.

Well, that makes it an even dozen.

I think we're safe for now.

Oh, this is the third time they've egged us.

Think George will call the police?

Nah.

What can he tell them?

Somebody's poaching our house?

This is the pits.

The kids at school

are treating me like I invented homework.

That's the kiss of death.

It gets worse.

Heather left a note in my locker

saying she wanted the gum back she left in my jacket.

Maybe she wanted to see you again.

She told me to mail it.

Hi, guys. Hey, George.

I see the landscaper's been here again today, huh?

I'm sorry, Uncle George.

Those guys have gone crazy.

GEORGE: Well, maybe we should just get

a big old hungry dog that likes toilet paper and eggs.

[ Doorbell rings ]

It's your principal, Nicky.

Oh, no.

Oh, not Mr. Wortman.

If anybody finds out an actual principal was in my house,

I might as well leave the country.

Hi, Phil. Hi, George.

Come on in. Thanks.

Boy, I haven't seen this much toilet paper

since the flu outbreak of '.

Sit down. Thanks.

I'm sorry about all this, George.

Well, the good thing is

homecoming's the last game of the season.

Things will start to cool off.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm here.

[ Sighs ]

I talked to the team,

and I told them that I was the one

who gave Coach Stevens the option to resign,

and he took it.

But...

What? They're still blaming me?

[ Chuckles ] I'm afraid so.

Look, maybe you shouldn't speak at this pep rally tomorrow.

You think it's gonna be that rough?

Well, I'm afraid it might.

Great.

Right now, they're just throwing eggs.

What if they decide on something in the melon family?

You know, what bothers me, Phil,

is, uh, what kind of message is that giving the kids

if I don't show up?

I mean, is it to say that honesty doesn't mean anything

and winning is much more important than integrity?

Well, I agree with you, George.

It's just that I don't see any way out.

What if I talk to the kids before the game?

The team's pretty angry.

Well, I can handle that.

Then I wish you luck.

Is that okay with you, Nicky?

I'll be right behind you, Uncle George.

Okay.

Me too.

[ Marching band playing ]

What are you guys doing?

Oh, well, we heard your uncle might be

hanging around here today.

Yeah, so we thought we'd b*at him to it.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna take it down.

There's already enough dummies in this place anyway.

No, no, no. Keep it up there.

It looks pretty good.

It looks exactly like me,

only I don't have that many gray hairs.

Whew! Boy, is this a tough house.

Oh, so we're gonna get a lecture now?

I just came down here to tell you

how sorry I feel about what happened.

Yeah, well, we thought you were a fan.

I am a fan.

I'm a fan of this team --

the whole team, not just two stars.

Is this the part you tell us

it's not whether we win or lose, it's how we play the game?

[ Laughs ]

I would never say that. I think that's corny.

But I'll tell you one thing -- I like to win.

I think it's a blast.

But I don't think I like to cheat in order to win.

Hey, we weren't cheating.

Yes, you were cheating.

You were all cheating.

And you didn't even know you were cheating.

That's the bad thing.

If you want to be bad at somebody, be mad at your coach.

You lost me.

Your coach wanted to win so bad

that he decided to hedge his bets

so he brought in two ringers.

So what? Who'd it hurt?

Yeah. Yeah.

Who did it hurt? It hurt everybody.

it hurt you, it hurt the league, it hurt the team.

How about the two guys

that have been sitting the bench all year

because of these two guys?

Does that ring a bell to anybody?

I-I guess I never thought of it that way.

Yeah. You bet.

Now, guys, I saw you practice yesterday.

You were moping around and walking through everything

as if Tim and Condo's gonna make the difference, you know?

You guys think it's over because they're not gonna be playing?

Well, let me ask you a question --

If Tim and Condo -- if they were injured,

would you guys quit then?

ALL: No.

No, would you really quit then?

ALL: No.

Well, I think you guys have a good team.

Yeah, he's right.

Now, can you get yourself together as a team?

ALL: Yeah!

Get those two guys

that have been sitting on the bench all year,

get them up, and get them playing,

and let's go and win this game.

He's right, guys. We can win this game!

[ Cheering ]

Hey, you were great, Uncle George.

Listen, I want you to remember one thing --

%. No.

Roses are red, violets are blue...

[ Both laugh ]

Don't get hurt.

Uncle George!

Super, George. I knew you could do it.

What's that?

This? Oh! This.

It's just a first aid kit.

Okay, I was pretty sure you could do it.

Let's hit the road, wise guy.

[ Laughs ]

[ Theme song plays ]