01x08 - A Square Job in a Round Hole

[bunniefuu]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

You up?

DANNY: Yeah.

Did you ever sleep?

No.

- Thank God Anthony wasn't here.
- [SIGHS]

Yeah.

I can't do this anymore, Danny.

- Do what?
- This.

This small-time bookie sh*t.

Small-time?

There's two and a half
million dollars under the bed.

I don't care. It's too crazy.

Okay, come on.

Last night was, uh...

what do you call it,
an anomaly, a one-off.

What about that Viggy
psychopath destroying my store?

[SIGHING]: Okay, a two-off.

How would you feel about

selling the book to Ray and getting out?

- What? No.
- Think about it.

W-We could relocate and
maybe go back to Vegas.

We've got enough money
to get a nice house.

- And do what?
- Are you kidding?

You could work in any
sports book in town.

They'd be lucky to have you.

What would you want me to do?
Like, dress like some poor bastard

in a toga welcoming people

- to Caesar's f*cking Palace?
- You'd wear a nice suit,

you'd be management.

You know the business
left, right and sideways.

I know, which is why I
like being my own boss.

We could have healthcare.

You want healthcare? You want a doctor?

Go underneath the bed
and take some money.

So you won't even consider it?

No. Everything's going great.

- People d*ed last night.
- Not us.

I'm telling you, we have to get out.

Calm down. Go take a
gummy bear or something.

Don't tell me to eat a
gummy bear, you assh*le.

You have a great life.

I-I gave you the business
you wanted. The house.

- The car. Everything.
- You "gave" me?

- Like I had nothing to do with it?
- Hey, hey, that's not to say that

your input hasn't been invaluable.

You rat f*ck.

I'm not getting a square
job, and that's the end of it.

That's fine. You do
whatever you want to do.

So we're good?

♪ ♪

And of course we have a
temperature-controlled wine cellar

that accommodates 200 bottles.

[CHUCKLES] B-Y-O-B?

- What?
- Bring your own bottles.

Oh. Yes. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

Wow, look at that stove.

It's a classic.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I just didn't
get a lot of sleep.

- You try that Japanese toilet?
- No.

It washes your privates with warm water

and blows them dry.

[CHUCKLES] That'll wake you up.

FRANK: Is there a hot tub?

- It's out by the pool.
- Ooh.

- Shall we?
- Lead the way.

- Oh, my goodness. It's so beautiful.
- Yeah. Look at that view.

Where's the hot tub?
There it is, right there.

- Okay.
- Oh, my God.

[LAUGHTER]

- They're not going to get in, are they?
- God, I hope not.

- Anything else you'd like to see?
- No, it's great.

And just so I understand,
you're looking for a one-year lease,

- $30,000 a month?
- Yes.

What if we made this
an all-cash transaction?

I don't understand.

Let's say I give you 17.5 a month, cash,

you do with it what you will.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

There's insurance issues,
security deposit, property taxes.

- Cash would be too complicated.
- 20?

- I'm sorry.
- [WATER SPLASHING]

GRANDMA: Serves you
right for getting handsy.

Twenty-five.

That might cover it.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

[DOOR BUZZES]

_

_

_



You're down.

Idiot bet the over on a soccer game.

Hector, I don't think you should
be here when my brother comes.

I'm way ahead of you.
I'm gonna voluntarily take

a 20% cut in pay till
he gets every cent back.

Yeah, that'll take a thousand years.

Yeah, at my current rate,
but I'm hoping for a raise.

- I know my brother and I know that...
- [DOORBELL BUZZES]

Oh, boy.

- [DOOR BUZZES]
- Be sure to ask him for that raise.

[LORRAINE SIGHS]

He likes me.

It'll be fine.

- The f*ck are you doing here?!
- Um, working.

Taking soccer bets from
the ol' Latinx community.

Which is actually offensive,
but no one's settled

- on another name as yet.
- Get out.

Danny, I know I f*cked up,
but I can make it right...

Get out!

We got a lot of bets
coming in in Spanish.

- Who else here speaks the lingo?
- I can go to the parking lot

at Home Depot and find
nine guys. Get out.

Come on. Is that everything?

I have some Pepto in the bathroom.

My gift to you.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Change all the access codes.

I don't want him having anything
to do with us moving forward.

- Can't cut him a break?
- Not a chance.

How's the online action?

Not bad.

How are things going with Sandra?

- Why?
- She changed her relationship

status on Facebook to single.

It's a joke. We're fine.

Good, good. I was a little worried.

I don't know, maybe she found out about

your little girlfriend in Tarzana.

You wouldn't.

[SIGHS]

You know what? Call Hector.
Get him back in here.

You got a big heart.

[RINGTONE PLAYS "OYE COMO VA"]

m*therf*cker.

HECTOR: Hola?

Yo.

♪ Gotta come on ♪

♪ Gotta get back ♪

♪ Gotta get back... ♪

Ah, no, sorry, we're not taking
any action on the Huskers.

I don't know what the
line is for best song.

Yeah, it's very catchy.
But I can't help you.

Jesus. People are so desperate
for action after the Super Bowl.

- Well, what was the song?
- I don't know, some Taylor Swift thing.

Oh. I like her.

Took Sandra and Anthony
to see her at the SoFi.

Of course you did.

You could sing along with her.

How you doing with last night?

I put it away.

Goes in the same mental
box as Monsignor Dominic.

- How about you?
- Ah, it's gonna take some time.

What's this about Monsignor Dominic?

I told you about when I was a kid, uh,

youth program in Chicago?

No, you didn't.

Well, do the math.

RAY: So I signed the lease on
the house in Brentwood today.

DANNY: Ah, great, your
grandma must be happy.

Ooh, she is.

Strange thing to behold.



What's the deal with the groom?

I had Lorraine do some snooping.

He's clean. Keeps his wife's
ashes in the trunk of his car,

- you know, but he's clean.
- In the trunk of the car?

He showed it to me.

He has the urn wedged
between the spare tire

- and a can of Valvoline.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

[CHUCKLES]

Can I help you?

Looking for Kevin Miller.

Oh, uh, I'm... I'm sorry,
he's out of town on business.

Do you know when he'll be back?

Gosh, I... I don't.

He checks in occasionally.

Can I give him a message? Or...

Yeah. $7,428.

I-I don't understand.

- He will.
- Thanks for your time.

Well, that was a bunch of bullshit.

The guys that make their wives
face the music are the worst.

You remember how what's-his-name,

the guy with the handlebar mustache... ?

Oh, yeah. "I could pay you,

or I could let you
spend some quality time

- with my lovely Linda."
- You were thinking about it, though.

I'm a man, Ray. I thought
about f*cking this hedge.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [NEARBY THUDDING]

- Hang on.
- What?

I got a hunch.

[THUDDING]

Kevin?

We know you're up there, Kevin.

If you make me climb up there,
you're coming down the hard way.

[CHUCKLING]: Hey, fellas.

I was just looking for
my kid's roller skates.

- W-What are you doing here?
- One guess.

- Oh, sh*t, is it Tuesday?
- Seriously, I hope you can fly.

No, no, no, no, okay, I'm good for it.

All right? I'm just in the middle of

moving some stuff around right now.

Believe it or not, some people
owe me money, too, so I get it.

- When?
- When? Uh, let me, uh...

Let me think about it.
I got my cousin Dave.

He's into me for a grand right there.

And then I got my
slip-and-fall at Trader Joe's.

- That's a huge cash cow.
- That's enough. [SIGHS]

- We're gonna call it quits.
- What does that mean?

We're done with you. No more action.

And we're gonna get the word
out to all the other books

that your action is no good.

No, no, no, no, no. No.

You can't do this to me
right before March Madness.

- You're done, Kevin.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There's ways I can pay, okay?

There's things I can do.

Right? I'm a certified
public accountant.

So I can do your taxes
for the rest of your life,

no charge.

We don't pay taxes.

All right. All right, well, I mean,

- this is good that we're talking here.
- Kevin.

In the last year, you lost 18K
on football, 22K on basketball.

- What's left? Hockey?
- Hockey?

I can't bet hockey. I
don't anything about hockey.

You don't know anything about anything.

That's why you're hiding
in your kid's treehouse.

- Let's get out of here.
- Wait, wait, wait, don't go, hold on.

Wait!

[GRUNTS]

g*dd*mn it.

- RAY: That's just sad.
- DANNY: Doesn't get sadder.

- Wait!
- [CAR DOORS OPENING]

Spoke too soon.

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- Just... Give me Gonzaga.

The spread. Straight up.

Anything! Come on!

[SIGHS]

[PANTING]

- What are you looking at?
- You.

Go home.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.

You got any money on you?

Why?

I bet you ten bucks the
next car we see is red.

I get all the other colors?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's
called betting the field.

You in or you're out?

It's a bet.

f*ck you, kid.

Give me my money, assh*le.

[GRUNTS]

[PANTING, GRUNTING]

Do you mind if I wait out here?

- Seriously?
- I got a few phone calls to make.

Ray, listen to me.

- Death is part of life.
- I know.

It's every season, turn, turn, turn.

I just don't care for it.

A time to be born, a time to die.

- Time to plant, time to reap.
- Okay, shut up.

Plus, we sunk some money into the joint.

Let's take a walk around,
see how it's doing.

I just don't get how
it doesn't bother you.

Simple.

You look at a dead body and you think,

"Eh, it's gonna be me someday."

Whereas I think,

"That's one less assh*le
cutting me off on the freeway."

[SIGHS]

[CREAKS]

I'll give you a thousand
dollars if you get in.

f*ck you.

- Kinda like a big humidor.
- Just keep walking.

Alan, where you at?

ALAN: Embalming room!

Want to hold my hand?

[RAY SIGHS]

[GASPS] Oh...

Great, they're flying now.

Hey, Ray, check it out.

Stop dicking around.

You like my new winch?

It really helps with the fat ones.

How's business?

Uh, not as robust as
pre-vaccine COVID, but, uh,

here's hoping China's got
something else cooking.

I got your cut on the counter there.

- Cashier's check?
- Yes, sir.

How you doing with the gambling?

Great.

I go to my G.A. meetings
three days a week.

I got the cookie commitment
on Wednesday nights.

Look at you, stepping it up.
You're one of our success stories.

- ALAN: Thanks. Hey, Ray.
- Hmm?

You want the rest of that sandwich?

I'm stuffed.

No.

Can we please get out of here?

Hang on.

I want to show you a magic trick.

♪ Dun-dun-dun, dun,
dun, du-dun-dun-dun... ♪

- [FARTS]
- Oh, f*ck you, you m*therf*cker.

I can't believe this sh*t.

[CHUCKLES]

Can you do it again?

- [FARTS]
- Again.

["REMINISCING" BY
LITTLE RIVER BAND PLAYS]

♪ Friday night, it was late ♪

♪ I was walking you home ♪

♪ We got down to the... ♪

You ever think about cashing it all out

and getting a square job?

Hell no. Why, do you?

- [SCOFFS] No.
- Well, why'd you ask?

You're my friend. I want
to get to know you better.

Well, if I was really your friend,

you wouldn't make me sit here
listening to The Little River Band.

All right, brother. See you tomorrow.

Oh, just a heads-up.
I decided not to cut Hector loose.

Really? What changed your mind?

Eh, nothing.

I'm a forgiving man. It's in my nature.

Fine, don't tell me.

[SIGHS]

Closing early?

Closing for good.

What are you talking about?

I'm shutting Miss Ellaneous down.

[EXCLAIMS] You gotta be kidding, right?

I grossed $112 last month.

- Yeah, but you netted 78 grand.
- Oh, please, just stop.

Honey, we need this place

to clean the cash. You know that.

You've got the funeral
parlor and the bar.

And the used car lot and the nail salon.

But Miss Ellaneous is the glue
that holds it all together.

I don't care. I don't
want to do it anymore.

Okay, I understand.
This is about last night.

Take a few days off,

treat yourself to a spa weekend.

You don't understand
sh*t. I'm leaving you.

- What?
- I'm taking Anthony and I'm

going to stay with my mother.

You're going to Fresno?

- Modesto.
- Same thing.

Come on, babe, don't do this.

You gave me a business,
a house, everything.

I'm giving it back.

Okay, that was a stupid
thing to say. I apologize.

Too late.

And just so you know,

I took a half a mil
out of the duffle bag.

We're square.

[SIGHS]

Hi, do you sell yoga mats?

- What?
- Ooh, look at all the candles.

Come back, we got a customer!

[CHEERING OVER TV]

[MUTES TV]

Hey, it's me.

Just wanted to see if you
landed at your mother's house.

Tell her I say, "Hi."

I miss you.

I miss Anthony.

Call me when you get a chance.

- [CHEERING OVER TV]
- She'll come back.

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

She'll come back.

She'll come back.

MAN [ON TV]: I understand you
better than you do yourself.

You're denying man's
love, substituting hatred

and a passion for this
monstrous power you possess.

What're you doing?

Nothing. Hold on.

[SIGHS]

I thought we were gonna watch a movie.

I'm watching.

Did you notice what's-his-name
just switched the suitcases?

Uh-huh.

Why the f*ck did I come over
if you're not gonna watch?

I'm watching.

It's just... this is important.

What is it?

My acting class. They just
shook up the scene partners

and everyone's freaking out.

What am I doing?

Yeah, sure.

I gotta go.

Aw.

I'll pay the rent to
the end of the year.

After that, I suggest you marry money.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Thank you.

I got a bad feeling about this.

It's our own fault. We
keep taking his action.

Hey, guys.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

- You got our money?
- Hey, whoa, whoa. Danny, slow down.

Enjoy your oolong.

Oh, f*ck you. Where's the money?

What's with him?

In all fairness,

you have been less than forthcoming.

Forthcoming.

I've been called worse. Well, good news.

I got something better than your money.

- Oh...
- I have a piece

of sports memorabilia that
rightfully belongs in a museum.

If it's your cleats from Major League,

- please don't.
- Sold those to A-Rod.

- Be right back.
- Ah, Christ.

Behold.

Joe Namath's mink coat.

Are you f*ckin' kidding me?

- Danny, calm down.
- No, I'm not gonna calm down.

I don't want some smelly old coat.

Probably smells 'cause
Joe did some f*ckin' on it.

And look. Look.

I have a handwritten letter
certifying it's the real thing.

"To whom it may concern,
this used to be my coat.

Joe Namath."

Huh?

Charlie. What-what am
I gonna do with you?

[SCOFFS] How about thank me?

All you gotta do is take it
to the Football Hall of Fame

in lovely Canton, Ohio
and name your price.

What I should do is put it down
your throat and take it out your ass.

Wow.

Why do I get the feeling

that you're upset with
something other than me?

No, Charlie, it's you.

No, I don't think so. I don't think so.

I'm guessing that
there's trouble at home.

Aha. Yeah, nailed it.

Come on.

Come on, talk to
Charlie. What's going on?

There's nothing going on.

How long's he been like this?

For a while.

- What are you doing?
- You haven't been yourself.

Okay, fine. You want to know?

My wife left me. There, you know.

Aw, man, I'm-I'm so sorry.

Why didn't you say anything?

What's to say?

I'm with you every day, all day.

You tell Charlie Sheen
before you tell me?

He asked.

So, let me guess. Let me guess.

She catch you with a
couple of skanky hookers?

- No.
- You try to f*ck her sister?

- No.
- A cousin, an aunt?

- No.
- Step-mother?

Jesus, Charlie, no.

She... she wants me to sell the book

- and get a straight job.
- Hmm.

- I'll buy the book.
- I ain't selling.

Danny, can I give you some advice?

God help me. Go ahead.

You are not just some
run-of-the-mill bookie.

You are one of the greats.

It's what makes you who you are.

And under no circumstances
can you allow her

to take that away from you.

Yeah, but I-I love her,

and I don't think I
can live without her.

I understand that,

but if the price of keeping
her is being untrue to yourself,

then you will grow to resent her.

That's actually good advice.

Well, consider the source, Ray.

But yeah.

So, coat.

Yes or no?

It actually looks pretty good on you.

- Blow me.
- It does.

♪ ♪

You ever been married?

- Yeah, once.
- What happened?

We got to know each other.

What about you and
Ray? Any chance there?

Nah, we're just having fun.

Cool.

You don't have to ask me
about my life, it's okay.

I'm sorry. What about you?

Too late.

["WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS]

Man couldn't run a
comb through his hair?

Take care of her or I'll k*ll you.

MINISTER: Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here to celebrate

Marion and Frank,

who, after a lifetime apart,

have reunited in their golden years.

How you holding up?

MINISTER: Now they're ready to spend
the rest of their lives together.

She'll be back.

I don't know, Ray.

What, you think she's
going to find somebody else?

Look at her.

That's a solid ten in Modesto.

Well, if you're that worried,

get in your car and bring her home.

You think?

You got to follow your heart.

MINISTER: ... a time we all need

to look back and realize
the things we've missed,

the things we regret.

Perhaps, the things we took for granted.

♪ ♪

MINISTER: ... embrace each
other with all of life's

magnificent possibilities.

Frank, do you take this lady

- to be your lawfully wedded...
- Oh, sh*t.

Frank!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Ray. Ray!

I'll call you when I get there.

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I love Jimmy Luxury ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ La-la-la, I'll see
you tomorrow in Havana. ♪