Hired Wife (1940)

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Kendal!
Kendal, Kendal Browning!

Jos?! Jos? de Briganza,
I haven't seen you for ages!

I am going your way.
Can I lift you?

Oh, yes, I'd love it.
It's the Dexter Building.

Mervin, the Dexter Building.

Kendal, will you please lend to
me ten dollars?

Oh, Jos?, you didn't make it.

No. She's not going to marry me
and I'm not going to marry her.

Oh, dear, it sounds as if
the marriage is off.

Very off.

I've just this moment come from
saying goodbye to her.

- And five million dollars.
- Six.

And she was very wobbly too.
She did not make me walk home.

Well, what happened, according
to you?

According to me she say...
she say...

If we get married we spoil
our beautiful friendship.

Se?or Don Jos? Antonio Francisco
de Fragoso de Briganza, you are a liar.

- You said that to her.
- You said that to me four years ago.

But I cannot tell a young lady
to whom I have made love...

...that I have caught a cold
in the feet.

Oh, Jos?, you'll never marry any
of those rich lollipops.

Your heart isn't in your work.

And your heart, Kendal, is in
your work? Yes?

Yes. Every good secretary is in love
with her boss.

Has to be to put up with
a businessman.

Your Mr. Dexter is a nasty fellow?

No, no, Stephen's a good egg.
You must come up and meet him sometime.

I would not like him.

Well, I don't know. He might not
be so wild about you.

Oh, he's made up his own cement.

He is in debt to you for years
and what does he do?

Makes more cement.

Now wait a minute, Jos?.
Stephen's no woman hater.

He has his mad moments every spring.

There's sudden v*olence, serious
while they last.

They soon run their course and his
temperature drops to normal again...

...until the next att*ck.

But that is not love.

That is hay fever.

Well, they're about the same thing.
He seems to catch it from blondes.

Is he ill now?

Oh, no, no. He's been immune
since last spring.

But I never know when he's going
to show symptoms of relapse.

You're the sort of man who was born
with a flower in his button hole.

But when Stephen Dexter shows
up in a flower...

...spring is here. And he's about
to break out again.

And when he starts to hum...
Anita, oh Anita, ya-da-da...

...he's gone. He's a sick man.

I still do not like him.
The big stiff!

How dare he hum-hum at a blonde
when he can hum at you?

Oh, well, he did hum a little bit
the first spring I worked for him.

But I put him in his place.

Ah, a good opening move.

No, no, bad. He stayed there.

Oh, here we are.

Keep in touch.

Good morning, Miss Collins.
How's little Gloria?

Fine, thanks, Miss Browning.

This morning she k*lled her
first mouse.

- Good morning, William.
- Good morning, Miss Browning.

- My crocuses are up.
- How nice.

- Lovely day, isn't it?
- I don't know yet.

- Has Mr. Dexter come in?
- Why, yes. Just now.

Oh, uh... did you notice was
he humming?

Humming? Mr. Dexter?

Why, no.

Oh... was he wearing anything?

Why, the... the...

Never mind.

Good morning.

Hello, Kendal.

Well, Kendal, our troubles are over. I think
we've got that g*ng of cutthroats licked.

You watch them, Stephen,
they're wolves.

Well, here's one lamb they're going
to find too tough to gobble.

Oh, stop worrying, Kendal,
and enjoy the spring. I'm going to.

- Where's McNab?
- He'll be here in a minute.

After that you'll see the Crawford
Rand people.

I'll have the paving contracts ready.

I'll break it up at noon.

Then you lunch with Senator
Corder Lee...

...at the Lee Club. Don't mention
his wife. It upsets him.

Be back here by three, we have a conference
with the plant managers until 5:30.

- And then can I go home?
- Yes.

- After you've had a haircut.
- Huh?

Here are some checks to sign.

Come in.

Excuse me, sir but...

You dropped this.

Hm? Oh, yes, thank you, Leo.
Thank you.

Hm... thought I had...

Got a pin?

I'll get one.

Oh, shut up!

Knew you'd have one.

Anita, oh Anita,
la-la-dee-a-da...

Oh, oh, oh, Anita...

- Nice lines.
- Yes, very.

And an a*t*matic rumble seat.

- Hm?
- Here's your pin.

Oh, thanks.

Uh...

- Good morning, chief.
- Oh, hello, Mac.

- I got the advertisement layout.
- Good, good. Let's see them.

No. No, Mac, they're old school.

- They sell cement.
- Yes, but we must keep up with the times.

Now, I want you to give me something
with a little heart in it.

Something more moderne,
strong and uh...

Well, anyway, Mac, I want
a new campaign.

And it must be warm, and it must
be human.

- The cement you love to touch.
- Yes, yes, the cement you lo...

No, no, I mean we must make our cement
stand out, give it personality.

I'll tell you what you could do.
You could perfume it.

No... Now, now, look. There now,
that's the kind of thing I mean.

That has punch, appeal.

We'll use a girl. We'll make it
our trademark.

I think you got something there.
Little Annie Cement.

That would be kind of cute.
You could...

Now, look here, Mac. Let me see
some new layouts, will you?

Just think the idea over.
Mother hen, it, you know?

Yes, chief.

Kendal, who is that girl?

Well, I don't know her name...

But her face is on the canned
tomatoes I use.

Get hold of her.
I'll see her myself.

Wouldn't it be easier and quicker
to pay her off right now?

Get her!

- Am I all right?
- You're perfect.

Now, Charles, I hate nibblers.

- Darling, will you please...
- Don't be dull.

Go in and tell them to get
their things on.

- Where are we dining?
- You're taking us all to the Plaza, dear.

Oh...

Good evening, Miss Walden,
my name is Browning.

- Good evening.
- The company I work in...

- A posing job?
- Yes.

- See my agent.
- I already have. They gave me your address.

I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me.
I was just about to go out to dinner.

If you'll call me some time
next week.

But not before eleven.

- Next week then, Miss...
- Browning.

- Coming, Phyl?
- Right away.

Alright, I'll tell Mr. Dexter.

- Who is Dexter?
- Stephen Dexter.

- Hmm.
- What's so hmm about him?

Dexter Cement.

Run along, Charlie, I'll see you
downstairs, dear.

Miss, uh... have you any idea what
Mr. Dexter has in mind?

- In a general way.
- Will it be a big campaign?

I think it will be one of his biggest.

Then I'll... get in touch with
him tomorrow.

No, no, I'll phone you and
arrange an appointment.

- Please do.
- But not before eleven.

Good night.

Good night, Miss uh...

Good night.

- Is the chief in?
- No, he's lunching at the L Club.

- Thank you, kindly.
- Let's see it.

- Uh...
- Come on, Mac, I've been to Paris.

Well.

William.

Ten years I've been with him.

I've seen him take a little business
and make it a big one.

And now. Has he gone daffy,
do you think?

Keep your kilts down, Mac.
He'll get over this.

Should I have more sketches made?
Those were his orders.

Sure, humor him.

Aw, but pretty girls on cement bags?
Can't you get him to drop it?

- You leave it to me.
- Thanks, Kendal.

My entire department thanks you.

William! Back to the keys.

Miss Phyllis Walden, please.

Miss Walden is lunching on the
terrace. One moment, please.

Terrace.

Miss Walden? The extension phone
is in use in the moment. Will you wait?

Thank you.

Johnny.

Telephone to Miss Walden as soon
as Mrs. Laywood has finished.

Yes, sir.

Uh-huh... uh-huh...

Oh...

Oh!

After that I began to get little
posing jobs.

Lipsticks, silk stockings, candy bars...

Then came my big break.

One day I heard that Zimmer Derreck
products were planning a big campaign.

Something told me that I should phone
immediately to Mr. Zimmer himself.

The same something that told you
to phone me last night?

Yes.

Anyway, I got the job that made me.

You must have seen the ads.
I was the angel...

...carrying a cheese.

I wish there were some way of tying
an angel in with my cement.

Well, of course cement's a little
more dignified than cheese.

Some of my associates are not very
enthusiastic about my idea of using you.

They seem to think we ought to use
something more symbolic of strength.

My secretary suggested an elephant.

I knew she was a clever woman.

Well, I um... I don't suggest strength.

No... Now, that's just my point.

Strength doesn't appeal to men.

Now take me.
I'm a man...

Well, here's a picture of you
and here's an elephant.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
I was just illustrating a point.

Well...
All right, elephant, man, woman.

New sort of triangle.

Well, which would you want to look at?

Which would you want to get
to know better, take out for dinner?

Just a minute, let me think.

Depends on the sort of man
you are, Mr. Dexter.

I can assure you I've never taken out
an elephant out in my life.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

When do I go to work for you?

Oh, uh... Well, uh...

The campaign's only just taking shape.
We must, uh...

...get together and discuss things.

- A call for you, Miss Walden.
- Thank you.

This is Miss Walden speaking.

- Who?
- Stephen Dexter's secretary.

Oh, Miss Walden. I'm afraid I have
rather disappointing news for you.

That job is off.

Off!
So sorry.

If Mr. Dexter ever does need you,
I have your name and address...

...in our tickler system.

Goodbye.

Hey, look, wait!
What is all this?

Well, Mr. Dexter changed his mind.

He's going back to his old type
of advertising.

Let me get this straight.
When was this decision made?

Well, just before Mr. Dexter
left for uh... Chicago.

On the 8:30 plane.

Oh, on the 8:30 plane this morning.

Would you mind holding on for
just a moment?

- What's your name?
- Stephen Dexter.

Stephen Cement Dexter?

Sure, why?

When do you expect Mr. Dexter to return
from Chicago, Miss... Browning?

Oh, not for weeks and weeks.

I'm afraid there's no use waiting,
Miss Walden. His mind is made up.

Suppose we say he was emphatic
and let it go at that.

Well, I'd like awfully to know what
Mr. Dexter said about me.

What? Would you mind speaking louder?
We seem to have a bad connection.

Well, he said, um...

You're sure now you want
to know what he said?

He said... 'You call up
Miss Goofy-face...

...and tell her she can't peddle
her pan to Steve Dexter.

Oh, no! He's really not a brute,
he's rather nice... in one or two ways.

Oh, it's just that women are...
fiends to him.

Oh, one of those fiends, huh?

What else did he say, tell me.

He said, uh... "Listen, kid, scrap
that girl-on-a-bag idea.

It won't sell cement to have a silly-looking
blonde sitting on a dam."

The cad! Are those his exact words?

Oh no, I never quote Mr. D's
exact words anymore.

I had such bitter notes from
the telephone company.

Well, thanks awfully for telling me.

Goodbye.

Hello, fiend.

Good morning.

Good afternoon.

- Well go ahead. Taunt me.
- Where were you?

Attending to a little business.

After all, I'm supposed to keep track
of your appointments.

What are my orders for this afternoon?

Hm, you must have had a
particularly good lunch.

So-so.

I had to break three important
engagements you had this morning.

Sorry, kid.

Now, Stephen,

I think you ought to give me
a little advance notice...

... the next time you're going to be off
with your bula-bula friends getting tiddly.

I'm not in the least bit tiddly.

Uh-huh... yes...

- Well, let's get some work done, then.
- Oh, by all means.

Oh, William, will you tell Mr. McNab
the chief will see him right away?

Oh, by the way. When is that Miss, er...
the poster girl coming in to see me?

Oh, I'm afraid I have some rather
disappointing news for you.

- You couldn't get her?
- No, not available.

Shall I send in your bid on
that subway job?

Yes.
What did she say?

Oh, it all boiled down to "no".

Give any reason?

He did.

He did? Who's he?

Her fianc?.

Her what?

The man she's going to marry.

Handsome, too.

He said, "Tell Se?or Dexter
that my lovely Phyllee...

... is going to give up her career
and come to live on my rancho...

...and be my mi amor.
How do you say wife?"

- A foreigner, eh?
- Yes.

Very rich. Has his own plane.

Have it with him?

Well, I caught her at the airport
just before they...

Oh, I suppose they were flying
to Chicago too.

What do you mean 'too'?

Oh, just... too.

Now, about that subway job.

- Uh... I got the note...
- Yes, you might tell Van Horn...

...to get the contracts ready,
will you?

I have... I...

- Here are these things, chief.
- Hah!

No. That girl-on-a-bag stuff is out.
It won't sell cement.

I don't want any city blonde
sitting on my dams.

She can't peddle her pan
to Steve Dexter.

Eh, kid?
Stick to the old reliables, Mac.

What'll I do with these?

Leave them there. Miss Browning
will file them in our tickler system.

Stephen.

This is unworthy of you.

How could you do anything
so dishonorable, so low?

- Me?
- Eavesdropping, wiretapping!

Listening in on my private conversations.
What will it be next? Keyholes?

I happened to be lunching with
Miss Walden when you phoned.

Happened, happened...
You told me to get her.

And then you date her behind my back
as if you didn't trust me.

Well, she phoned my house last night.

I thought it would save time if I...

Well, I'll be!
Now you've got me on the defensive.

'Call me up some morning, but not
before eleven!' How do you like that?

Kendal, I'm going to say this one thing
and then we'll let the matter drop.

You're my right hand.
I'm not at all sure...

...that I could carry on this business
without you.

But I think I can manage my
own life.

Suppose you let me, hm?

All right.

- Now, on this subway deal, I think...
- I don't like the way you say all right!

Sorry, but, you know, I'm a little tired of
acting as nurse to a juvenile delinquent.

You play with matches and then
I have to help put out the fire.

I am going out with Miss Walden tonight,

tomorrow night, the next night and every
night and day that she'll see me.

- And how do you like that?
- I don't like it at all.

It doesn't matter whether you do
or you don't!

- Oh, it doesn't?
- No!

All right. If you're sure...
this is the real thing...

My blessings, Stephen.
I won't try and stop you.

I'm through!

What? You're not going to leave
me with all this work.

With that subway job and maybe
that combine cracking down on me.

I'm not through working for you,
I'm just through caring what you do...

- ...outside office hours.
- Hm, well, that's better.

For me, not for you.

Close it, Butch.

It's not a question of ethics.
We have an objective.

It's merely a question of
what we can and will do.

My colleagues and I have agreed
on a plan of action.

This meeting seems to me
a mere formality.

There it is, Dexter, we're in,
you're out.

We gave you a chance to sell your
company to us at a fair price.

Fair? Ha!

We gave you a chance to come
in with us.

You chose to fight us.
You're licked.

We're going to get that injunction
the first thing in the morning.

We'll tie up everything you've got.

It's a technicality, a trick.
It's unfair. It's filthy.

- I agree with the learned counsel.
- We have no case.

- No, Mr. Van Horn?
- Remember this.

The victory is not always
to the strong alone.

Ah, but that's the way to bet.

- Well, that's all I think.
- Unless Dexter has something to say.

Oh, gentlemen, I'm a little fellow.

You're big. Everything's big about you.

Your fortunes, your profits.
And your bids.

Your bid on that subway job.
Pretty raw, gentlemen.

If you had got it you would be robbing
not your own kind but the taxpayers.

The little fellows.

Well, my bid was fair.
I got the contract.

It's a big one and I'm going to need
all my reserves to handle it.

Tomorrow you intend to make
a legal move...

...that will stop my carrying out the
contract and force me into bankruptcy.

No, not just me, but Stephen Dexter
and Co.

That 'and Co', gentlemen, means a lot
of men and women who had faith in me.

You had me come here so that you could prove
to me that I was cornered and outnumbered...

...and I'd be a fool to go on fighting.

- Well, you're right.
- Here, here!

It will be wise to hand over
here and now...

... the business that my associates
and I have worked so hard to make.

I should be smart and surrender.

Well, I'm going to be foolish
and fight.

I'll tell you what you can do.
You can...

No.

No... If you could only just...

No.

- Mr. Dexter.
- What's the matter, William?

Did the Dodgers lose?

Mr. Dexter, I've got a financial
proposition and I...

...happen to have a couple of thousand
lying around loose and...

...thought maybe I'd take a little flyer
in cement.

Oh, thank you, William.
May call you any day now.

Well, the cash will not be available
for a week or so but...

...I'll start negotiations immediately
with a... certain party.

Oh, now, you mustn't mortgage
anything, William.

Well, uh... the party happens
to be my wife.

She makes me put everything
in her name.

- Can she do that, Mr. Van Horn?
- No, of course sometimes...

...it's a good idea for a man to have
his property in his wife's name.

It's a perfectly legitimate way to keep
an unscrupulous person...

from getting any of it through unfair
suits or...

- Are husbands unscrupulous persons?
- Oh, frequently, frequently...

Not you, William. You'd better
run along now.

- Stephen, you've got to get married.
- Huh?

- That'll stop them cold.
- Are you sure?

Well, they can't tie up your business or
your money if you haven't got any, can they?

I'm gonna have you put every
nickel you've got,

every bag of cement, your house, the
shirt on your back in your wife's name.

Oh, there must be some other way.

Oh, for instance... No, Stephen,
this is it.

- Oh, I don't like it, Roger...
- Listen, you've got to get married today!

- Hey, where are you going?
- I'll be back soon, I hope.

Listen here, there are a lot of papers to be
signed, transfer of bank accounts,

power-of-attorney, I can't do
a thing without you.

Call up the bank, will you please,
and tell Mr. Barriswood...

...not to go. It's important, matter
of life and death and all that.

Kendal... oh, forget it.

William, get Miss Walden on the phone.

What... oh.

Hello, Tenth National Bank,
is Mr. Barriswood there?

Find out what time the marriage
license bureau closes.

No use, you have to wait three
days in New York.

- The law says 72 hours.
- My mistake.

Hello, Mr. Barriswood? Mr. Stephen Dexter
is coming to the bank at once.

Will you wait, please?
Thank you.

The nearest place you can get married
in a hurry is South Carolina.

Miss Kendal, find out where I can get
a plane to South Carolina.

It'll take us at least two hours
to get the papers ready.

I called Miss Walden but she's
not at home, sir.

- It seems she's out posing someplace.
- Oh...

Come on, Steve, we've got
to get to the bank.

Oh, I'll be right there.
Kendal...

Kendal... Kendal!

- Can you find her?
- Give me time.

Hey, make it snappy, will you?

Kendal, I'll have to leave it to you.

- I thought you told me to stay out of your life.
- But this is business.

Stephen, are you sure it's
good business?

- Uh... yes.
- Is she ready for this?

If only I had two more weeks. One.

- Does she love you?
- I'm not asking her to love me... yet.

Just to marry me.

Oh, just to marry you.

But, Stephen, to a woman marriage
is serious... sacred.

No matter what she is.

Oh, find her, find her and deliver
her to the plane.

- With a bill of lading?
- Get her!

But I can't drag her there by
her phony eyelashes.

- Now, Kendal, you're a woman.
- Has that gotten around?

Hey, get a wiggle on.

Coming!

You know how to talk to
another woman.

Yes...

Yes.

Now, Phyllis, enjoy it, smile,
be happy.

Be jolly. Bend your knees... a little
more... a little more. That's good.

Hold it!
Get it, Joe!

Now, change to your peasant
costume right away. Come, come, come.

Um... no brunettes today.

Oh, hello.
And goodbye.

I have a message for you
from Mr. Dexter.

- Have you really?
- A very important message.

Oh, come right into my dressing room.
This way, please.

You can tell me all about it
while I'm changing.

Look out, don't trip.

Do sit down. I'm dying to hear
what you have to tell me.

Well, here's Mr. Dexter's proposition.

He wants you to marry him tonight.

He does?

Well, I hardly know what to say.

Yes or no would do nicely.

Well, it isn't a very romantic way
for Stephen to propose...

...but I suppose he must have
a good reason.

He has.

Look, Miss Walden, we're both
girls trying to get along...

...so let's not get coy about this.

I'm not batting for cupid.
This is strictly business.

Oh, I see.

I haven't time to give you all the angles.
I guess all you need to know is...

...this puts you within spending distance
of some very serious sugar.

Go on.
I'm listening.

Well, if you play it smart,
you can play your own ticket.

For certain financial reasons,
it would be very convenient...

...if Mr. Dexter had a wife.

As a matter of fact,
he's got to get married.

He's in a spot, huh?

What a break for baby.

A week of nice, easy work
and I'm Mrs. Stephen Dexter.

Boy, oh boy.

Sure... if you want to on
terms like that.

Oh, the terms I get will be all right.

Will I be glad to be through with
this posing job.

Oh, Ken, what does Steve pay you?

- Plenty.
- I'll see that you get more.

Now, do go on. Do we meet at
midnight at the old red mill?

- At the airport, at five.
- Oh, good, we're flying.

- Yeah.
- To Chicago, I suppose.

- No, to Charleston.
- To Charleston, how nice.

I've never been married
in Charleston.

- Do you think I'm a dope?
- Of course not.

Really, Browning, you ought to
do something about yourself.

No, too late.
Take a beep.

- Silly looking, aren't you?
- Uh-huh.

When I do marry Steve, and I'm going to,
I'll keep you around for laughs.

Well, I love your lines. They're not good,
but they're very, very funny.

- Thank you.
- The last one was a positive howl.

- Oh, it's nothing.
- Wouldn't you like to be able to go back...

and say, um... 'Steve, that Walden
dame has a price tag...

but, well, I'm not that kind of girl.'

Girl? You should be wearing
brass buttons.

You were born to be a cop.

And the only way you'll ever
get a man is by arresting him.

Well, Dexter told me to ask you.

Tell him I'd love to marry
him tonight...

...but my trousseau is in the laundry.

Okay, I'll tell him.

It's all wound up, sir.
We can leave anytime.

Alright, thank you, thank you.

...all these and other assurances...
surmise... bargain sale...

Sit down, will you? Smoke a pipe,
chew gum.

You got me as nervous as a bridegroom.
Bridegroom.

It's time we were taking off.

Oh, stop having pops.
You know you can trust Kendal.

There's Kendal.

- I don't see Phyllis, though.
- She doesn't look worried.

What's she got to be worried about?

- Where's Phyllis?
- I couldn't get her to come...

- ...not for love nor money.
- Oh!

You can't blame her, Stephen. No girl
wants to get married just as a favor.

Well, it was a nice business
while I had it.

Had it? You still got it. You can
keep it too if you work fast.

All you got to do is marry someone.

Doesn't make any difference
who she is or what she is.

Of course it would be better
if she were a girl you can trust.

But all she's really got to do
is say I do.

Kendal, what do you say?

I do.

Shh!

You young people are entering
a glorious new world...

...in which you will both need
each other.

I needn't tell you of the reward
of constance and tolerance.

Your folks are a good example of that.

- David and Lucy...
- Excuse me.

I'm proud of my part in this ceremony.

Now, if you will join hands, we'll begin.

Do you, David, take this woman
to be your wedded wife...

to have and to hold, from this
day forward,

for richer, for poorer until death
do you part?

I do.

Will you honor, cherish and protect her
in sickness and in health...

...as long as you both shall live?

I will.

Do you, Lucy, take this man to be
your lawful wedded husband,

to have and to hold from this
day forward,

for richer, for poorer, until death
do you part?

I do.

Will you honor and cherish him
in sickness and in health...

...as long as you both shall live?

I will.

By virtue of the authority vested in me
as Justice of the Peace,

County of Marion, State of South Carolina,

to unite you in the bonds
of holy matrimony,

I pronounce you man and wife.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Now kiss the bride.

Alright.

Judge Peabody will be ready for you
in just a moment.

Excuse me.

- She's in good hands.
- Thank you.

Dad!

Kendal, I...

I don't know...
Perhaps we...

It's all right, Steve.

Roger.

Van Horn.

Oh!

It's you, huh?

Well, congratulations.
Did you have a nice trip?

- Very. You should have been with us.
- Here's the marriage certificate.

I hope they don't look too hard
at the date...

...and start yelling collusion.

Well, we can worry about that
in the morning.

Now, then, what do I have to sign?

Right here.

Use the full name, that's
Stephen Aldrich...

...whatever your name is.

And there.

- What does Kendal have to sign?
- Nothing tonight.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Kendal,
keeping you up like this.

- It's all right.
- I thought you'd be needed.

- Is that all?
- That does it.

Well, I think we all need a nightcap.

- Make mine buttermilk.
- Oh, buttermilk.

As usual, there's some in the icebox.

Roger, do you know where I keep the...
Oh, yes, I see you do.

We're sure out of the woods.

Those vultures don't give up
so easy, though.

Roger.

- Time to go to bed.
- Hm?

- Time to go to bed.
- No, thanks.

Come on, you've had a tough day and
you're going to have a tougher one tomorrow.

You'd better go home and
get some sleep.

Don't you want me to wait
and drive you home?

No, no, I'll get a taxi on
the corner stand.

Okay, well...

Good night all.

- Here you are.
- Thank you.

Well.

Healthy drink, buttermilk.

Horribly healthy.

Well, you made me drink my
first glass.

Guess I was born bossy.

I must say I sleep better since
I started drinking it.

But I still don't like it.

Do you?

Loathe it.

Good idea.

- Well, we have a lot to do tomorrow.
- Yes, we have.

Good night.

Kendal.

Yes, Stephen?

You're a rare sort of woman.
You don't let people down.

And I, uh... well...

Thank you for marrying me.

You're welcome, I'm sure.

I really don't feel like kidding
about this.

Oh, it's nothing, of course,
no more than I do everyday.

See people for you, sign
your letters.

But that boy and girl down
there tonight...

Her eyes... Do you remember how
she looked at him?

- No, no...
- Yes, you're my wife.

No, I'm only the woman you married.

- And I'm a liar.
- I've known that for years.

Right now I don't seem to care.

But I'm not here because
you want me, I...

I'm just substituting for the woman
you really want.

Phyllis Walden would be here
if I hadn't lied to her.

And to you.

Right now I seem to have run
out of lies.

Do you mean that she really
said yes?

She said no.
I made her.

She had to refuse, the way
I put your bid.

- Bid?
- Yes.

I knew she'd turn me down.
No woman can...

Well, put herself up for sale
even if she is.

Did you make Phyllis believe
that I thought I could buy her?

Do you mean that you treated her in my
name as if she were cheap and nasty?

Oh, not cheap.

You contemptible, unscrupulous,
double-crossing...

No, no, no, Stephen. Now remember,
you're a Yale man.

This is something you're not going
to laugh your way out of.

Alright, alright, I started something,
I couldn't finish it.

At least when I realized I'd
made a mistake, I...

Mistake?
A trifling error.

That's all it amounts to really.

What have I done that can't be undone?

Your business is safe for the time
being and you can go...

When you see your goldilocks in the morning
you can look her straight in the eye.

She'll be amazed to learn that you
have a conscience of a sort...

...and so am I.

Well, I'm not. It's not conscience.
You would have found me out soon enough.

Besides, I don't like being kissed by
a man who keeps his eyes closed.

Well, they're open now.

Oh, Kendal, what am I going
to do with you?

- What do you want to do, Stephen?
- Oh, stop acting married!

Well, we are, you know.

Don't take advantage of
a technicality.

Stop looking at me like that
and go home.

Where am I?

Will you please get out of my house?

Your house? Humph!

Are you going to get tough
with me, Browning?

The name is Dexter.
And I am.

Alright, if it's a fight you want,
you've got one. To the finish.

- Is that a thr*at?
- Are you going?

Yes.

- But I'll be back.
- Never.

- Kendal!
- Yes, Stephen?

- You're fired.
- Yes, Stephen.

Oh... good night, Stephen.

Come in, Stephen.

Come out here. I can't leave
the popovers.

You knew I had to come to you.

Oh now, Stephen don't be stuffy.
We were both tired and excited last night.

- We said lots of things.
- I meant them.

So did I. But you should be
at the office.

Mr. Mumford will be there with the
subway contract.

You know what an old fussbudget he is.

I hoped there might be some way
I could sign it myself, but there isn't.

I can't sign anything, can't do anything.

I can't even get lunch money.

Legally you're me and I'm a pauper.

I'll have to ask for a truce.
You've got me out on a limb.

I haven't lost my touch!

It isn't easy for me to ask
favors of you.

- Have some, it's wonderful.
- Are you coming down to the office with me?

Are you coming with me?

Kendal, what am I going to do
about you?

Well, we're not on the society page.

That closes early.
Try the financial section.

Maybe they didn't get the
story at all.

No harm done if they did get it.

Here we are. On the sport page,
next to a wrestling match.

Oh, the fools. Don't they read the proof?
I'm not 92.

How do you like that, look.

It's pretty, isn't it, Mr. Mumford?

Well, girls, you're certainly
making a fine...

Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me.

Here you are, right in here, that's right.
Make a nice show of it.

Excuse me, please.

We need one more over here
in the back.

Excuse me, please.

I beg your pardon, sir.

I think one more over there.

Oh, as soon as we finish with Mumford
I want you to call The Swan Club.

Tell Luigi to reserve a table
for me tonight.

- We'll be there at eight.
- We?

- Phyllis and I.
- Oh.

Wouldn't it be more discreet to wait
till the honeymoon is over?

I'm taking Miss Walden to dinner
at The Swan Club tonight.

Now remember, you're supposed
to be a bona fide bridegroom.

You could behave like one
in public at least.

I got an idea. Why don't you have
a pack of box lunch?

Then you could take her on a picnic.
Nobody'd know about it except you, baby

And the ants.

Enjoying yourself?

You two are going to have a cozy evening
chatting about your bachelor days.

How'd she take it when you broke
the news to her?

None of your business.

Oh, that's right, you haven't
told her. I forgot.

She's not conscious before eleven.

Oh, well, you can spring your alibi
before she sees this.

I'm sure she never reads anything
besides the cold cream ads...

...if she can read.

I wish I could afford to strangle you.

Here they come.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Oh, congratulations.
Here's the contract.

I wish you'd run through it as soon as
possible. I'm due at a board meeting.

Oh, I'll try not to keep you long.
Come in to my office.

Oh, I forgot. This is my wife.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

She'll have to sign it.
She does all the signing.

Oh, she's the boss now.

He's such a tease, Mr. Mumford.

Hm, it's lovely.

Of course you're the real boss, Poppy.

Just so long as somebody signs.

Congratulations!

Hail to the bride
Hail to her mate

May you be happy early and late

Hail to the bride
Hail to her mate

May you be happy
and never forget the date

Oh, we won't forget, will we?

That was lovely, thank you,
thank you.

Mr. and Mrs. Dexter, on behalf
of the staff...

I want to extend congratulations,
felicitations, good wishes and er...

...and more good wishes.

I'm reminded of a story.

A girl went for a fellow for nine years
and when he proposed, she said...

"This is so sudden."

But we folks who are lucky
enough to work...

...for two such swell bosses
aren't like that girl.

We saw it coming.

We knew it was bound to be
and now that it's here, well...

we're as glad as you are.

Congratulations.
Congratulations

Leo, Leo!
Put away that rice!

Mr. Dexter, please.

He's very busy.

Well, he wishes to see me. He left word
it was urgent, important.

- Oh. What name, please?
- Phyllis Walden.

- Hello?
- Miss Phyllis Walden to see you.

No, no!
I mean... ask her to wait!

- Kendal, would you mind...
- No, yes, sure...

I just have to be excused...
Just a minute.

- Well, Mr. Dexter!
- I can't tell you how pleased we are.

For he's a jolly good fellow

Which nobody can deny.

Hello.

Oh, you've got to get out of here.
Er... Phyllis.

- Phyllis, will you marry me?
- Right now?

- Oh, in about two months, I hope.
- Then why the hurry?

I'll tell you all about everything
this evening.

Now please, please say yes...

- Oh, and please go.
- What's going on?

Oh, uh... big deal.

Well, what do you say?

- I like you very much, but I...
- Oh, then accept me now.

- I'll court you later. Heavily.
- But darling...

- Rice?
- Oh.

Rice on you already?

Well...

I wonder how it got there.

No, Phyllis. Please!

My husband and I...

Uh, my husband and I are
most grateful...

...for your beautiful words and your
beautiful flowers.

I speak for both... oh...
Mr. Dexter and myself...

...when I say that we are grateful from
the bottom of our hearts.

Aren't we, dear?

What? Yes, yes...
Oh, yes indeed!

Excuse me. Customer.

Phyllis! Wait!

- You... you must listen to me.
- Bluebeard!

- Phyllis, it's you I love.
- Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

- Everyday, always!
- Nice talk from a bridegroom.

Oh, she means nothing to me.
I'm not going to live with her.

I won't even speak to her
except on business.

That's all our marriage is, business.

Oh, I begin to see.

- Darling, then will you marry me?
- Well, I might, if you coax me very hard.

I'm going to coax and coax, and coax.

Your bride won't like that.

- That's sweet.
- I hope you'll be very happy.

Thank you again.

I'm sorry we were interrupted.

Now.

Oh... I think this clause right here
could be more specific.

Oh, yes, yes, I see your point.

Yes... that could be changed
to read that...

in the event the party of the
second part would...

Hey, where's Stephen?

He stepped out a minute.
Wait in my office, will you, Roger?

...should fail to carry out the
foregoing stipulations,

- ...then the party of the first part
- Will you excuse me just a second?

Ah!

My friend, you are the luckiest
of men.

- Me?
- Such a wife so charming!

- Mine?
- So beautiful, so brilliant!

- Gussy?
- I too adore her.

- But only as a friend, Dexter.
- I'm not Dexter.

- I am glad. Where is he?
- In there.

- Well, legally of course...
- Kendal!

- I am so happy for you.
- Jos?!

And you, se?or!

I am going to call you Stephen, yes?

- Emphatically no!
- He's not my husband.

I should have known.
You American women.

You get married one night,
in the next morning...

one finds the bride at the desk
talking business with a...

...a bill collector.

Well, thank you very much for
coming, Jos?, but I'm frantically busy.

I hope that you and your husband
invite me up for the warming of the house.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

When will I call?
Perhaps for dinner?

Uh, tonight, The Swan Club,
eight o'clock.

- This tonight?
- Yes, yes, why not?

Goodbye, Jos?, goodbye.

Affectionate, isn't he?

Well, as I was saying.

They hollered foul and asked
some very pointed questions...

...about you and this last-minute
marriage.

This'll k*ll you. They're going to
try to prove it isn't bona fide.

Well, it isn't. It's just an
optical illusion.

If they can prove that, not very good
for our side. In fact, very bad indeed.

Do they know Stephen and I
live apart?

Not yet, but they will soon enough.

Oh, well, suppose we did live under the
same roof, would that help our story?

Well, it would make it more plausible...
Help it? Of course it would help it!

Well, it's a lot to expect,
don't you think?

A lot of newlyweds manage
to put up with it.

But under the circumstances how
on earth could we...

Oh, Stephen's back.

Oh, Roger, just a minute.
Mumford's still here.

Terrible, isn't it?

Here, that seems satisfactory.
You can sign it, please.

- And please initial all the changes.
- So sorry for the delay, Mr. Mumford.

Things are a bit disorganized
this morning.

Hurry, hurry!

- Hi, Steve, are you busy?
- Yes, yes, don't bother me.

- This is important.
- Oh, is it? Well, that's different.

Give me that!

- I didn't sign them, Roger!
- Hey, wait!

Uh, Mr. Mumford!

If you don't mind.
It won't be just a minute.

- This is a business hour.
- I'm so sorry. Everything's just...

Stop wiggling, will you please,
Stephen?

- Hurry, hurry.
- Here we are.

Not padded?

Nice work, team.

Well, Kendal, you'd better go
home and start packing.

Are you going away?

- Your attorney advised me to move.
- Move, where?

- Your house.
- My house? My house?

Naturally your house, your house.

Would Kendal move into
my house, my house?

- She's capable of anything.
- That goes on your bill.

- Flatterer.
- Bah!

Now, really. You've hit some
serious trouble.

- What, more?
- The big fellow smelled a rat.

Pardon my French.

And we've got to convince him that
this marriage is on the level.

Now, we haven't got a chance unless Kendal
lives with you until the storm is over.

- Get the idea?
- I do and I dislike it heartily.

Well, it's the only way we can
bamboozle them.

Who thought up this unsavory scheme?

What's so unsavory about my
being your house guest?

- Ahhh!
- Well then, treat her as a boarder.

You two don't have to act married
unless somebody's looking.

Think of the position it puts me in.

We Dexters prefer death to dishonor.
Well what about me?

- What am I going to tell my husband?
- Huh?

Not you, the good one I'm going
to marry next.

Well, have it your own way. I advise you
to grit your teeth and go through with it.

- No!
- Very well.

Very well, if that's your attitude.

I will see you in the bankruptcy court.

Goodbye, prudes.

Look, is this any time to be hoity-toity?

Since you two are going to be
such scaredy-cats,

why don't you send a wire to...
No, he wouldn't get it till tomorrow.

Claude... No, he's out of town.

We'll get any respectable relative or pal
who's willing to give up his privacy...

have him come and live...

Oh, no! No, no, no.
Forget it, forget it.

Oh, Stephen!

- Hm?
- Are these yours?

- Well, whose could they be.
- There you are.

- You look cute in a bowler.
- Thank you.

Enjoy your trip?

Hey, remember this one?

# Ha-ha-ha, you and me #
# Little brown jug how I love thee #

# Ha-ha-ha, you and me #
# Little brown jug how I love thee #

# My wife and I live all alone #
# In a little log hut we call our own #

# She loves gin and I love rum #
# I tell you what, we've lots of fun #

# Ha-ha-ha, you and me #
# Little brown jug how I love thee #

# Ha-ha-ha, you and me #
# Little brown jug how I love thee #

# 'Tis you that makes me wear old clothes #
# 'Tis you that makes me friends my foes #

# When you get right under my nose #
# I lift you up and down she goes #

# Ha-ha-ha... #

- Excuse me, sir...
- Please.

- One daikiri.
- Excuse me, sir.

- This is Mr. Dexter's table.
- I am Mr. Dexter's guest.

- Oh.
- Ah, gar?on.

- A double daikiri.
- Yes, sir.

Sorry, sir. There's been a mistake.
You have the wrong table.

A mistake? Is this not the table
of Se?or Dexter, my host?

Well, it must be some other Dexter.
This is my regular table.

Oh, I beg your pardon, se?or.

Of course it is another Dexter
for whom I wait but...

- I have made a faux pas, forgive me?
- Oh, it's quite all right.

- The se?orita will forgive me too?
- Certainly.

To your health, se?or,
and to your happiness, se?orita.

This table will do, sir?

Ah, yes, thanks very much,
but uh...

- Perhaps this chair will be better.
- Very well, sir.

Peekaboo.

Ah, Kendal!
But you look... you...

You look simply look.

Ah... it's real.
But of course, now.

Your husband he did not come?

Oh, he had to stop and pick
up another guest.

- Ah, a man.
- Now, what would you talk to a man about?

I think you're going to like her, Jos?.

Maybe you know her already.
Phyllis Walden?

Ah, Phyllis Walden.

No.

Lovely girl.

Oh, there they are.
They got here first.

- Come on.
- Kendal, wait, wait.

- Is she a blonde?
- This year.

A very, very blond blonde?

She's almost invisible, why?

- I have seen her.
- Sure you have, on bonds.

Oh, by the way.
She rumbas like an angel.

- Well.
- Skol, Stephen.

There you are, you little rascal.

You were waiting for us?
We were waiting for you.

Oh, Phyllis, may I present
Se?or Jos? de Briganza?

- How do you do?
- Jos?...

This is Stephen.

So you are the Dexter who
married Kendal.

Yes, I'm the Dexter.

Oh, Poppy, did you order dinner?

- Suppose we dance first.
- Oh, a dance...

Oh, well, you two young folks
enjoy yourselves.

Oh, Jos?, order dinner, will you, please?

What are you doing to me now?

Not to you, for you.

Jos? asked me to dine.

Well, you knew perfectly well
that I'd be here.

- There's Stephen Dexter and his new bride.
- So it is.

Smile, smile.

Thank you...
hold me tighter... ho...

Wedding March.

Congratulations, Mr. Dexter.

And a world of happiness to you,
Mrs. Dexter.

Oh, thank you.
Isn't he an angel, darling?

Then add a soup?on of garlic.

- The merest whisp of garlic.
- Bon, alors?

Then you put a little touch
of tabasco.

You stir very, very slowly.

- Tr?s bien!
- Yes.

Ah, Miss Phyllis, will you not
dance with me?

Oh yes, I'd love to, thank you.

Let's sit this one out.

- Now do be careful in front of Jos?.
- I will.

But don't call me Poppy.

- Why not?
- Well, it sounds so... intimate.

You've got me long enough
as it is.

Oh, Phyllis is broadminded.
Look at the way she's taking...

...the news about your wife being
your houseguest.

Or did you tell her?

Who is that grasshopper?

Jos? de Briganza? Biggest bridge
and dam man in South America.

De Briganza! Never heard of him.

Now don't try to sell him any
of your cement.

May I cut in?

Thank you.

Darling, I'm so sorry.

I just have to stay.
But if you want to leave...

...I'll join you later.

Oh, no. You need your g*ng
right here.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you, darling.

Would you mind if I gave your wife
a double Mickey Finn?

That would be wonderful!

- Miss Walden is a close friend?
- Of Stephen's.

I will k*ll him.

- That wouldn't help me.
- I will k*ll her.

Now you're talking.
But no, thank you.

Then I will hate her to please you.

Of course it will be very difficult.
She is very beautiful.

You know something?

I think perhaps maybe I disturb
her a little.

- I wish you'd disturb her a lot.
- That of course I could do, but...

At the present moment I'm in no position
to do very much disturbing.

- Gar?on.
- Monsieur?

- The menu, please.
- Voil?, monsieur.

Kendal, look.

New potatoes, 85c.

Spring peas, 1.10c

Fresh asparagus, $3.00.

She is sort of like fresh asparagus.

Jos?, do you remember when
I was broke and you uh...

Yes, I put the right money
on the right racehorse?

- Hm.
- No, I do not remember.

Well I do.

I, uh... it begins.
You will pardon me?

- Do you mind if I watch?
- No.

May I cut you out?

You mustn't say 'May I cut you out?".

That's asking a man if you may
steal his girl.

Oh, then I make a good mistake.

How do you do?

Hmm... very pretty.

- May I keep it?
- What's that got to do with me?

Nothing... till the first of the month.

What?

- Do you mean to tell me that you...
- Shh.

You know, Miss Walden, you dance
like nobody's business.

Thank you, Se?or de Briganza.
You dance like everybody's business.

You two could make a fortune
dancing together.

That is, if Jos? needed a fortune.

- Ducky, isn't it?
- Shall I serve the caviar, monsieur?

It will do.

Have you bought any more
polo ponies lately, Jos??

Polo ponies?

Polo po... ah, no.

I thought I'd read where you
had some sent up from Brazil.

- Oh, just a small string.
- I'd love to see them sometime, may I?

I, uh... I have sent them back
to the fazenda.

- Fazenda?
- Quinta?

- A hadada... Hacienda.
- Oh, you mean farm.

Farm!

How do you like that, Jos??
Farm!

What am I laughing for?

I don't know.

Oh, farm... You must tell her
about your farm.

How long does it take you
to run across it? Tell her.

A half a day. And that is the little one.

- That'll give you a rough idea.
- Will you show me some pictures of it?

I think I have some.

My valet as yet has not unpacked
my trunk.

I have moved into a new apartment
and as yet I am not settled.

How do you like the Ritz?

The Ritz? The Ritz is very nice.

Oh, you must all come and have
dinner with me soon.

I'd love it.

- You like to sail?
- Hm-hmm.

The you must spend the weekend
with me on my yacht.

I... I am terribly sorry, I have forget.
The yacht, she is in the dry dock.

- Have some onions.
- Um...

- Onions.
- Thank you.

Stephen. Somebody's yawning.

I am not. I'm as fresh as a daisy.

Well, come on, daisy. Take your
wife home.

We want you both to come
to dinner very soon.

The address is 299, Beekman Place.

- Now, will you excuse us?
- But of course.

We will miss you but we will
understand, will we not, Phyllis?

Perfectly.

Well, can't you wait till I pay
the check?

- Let it be Jos?'s party.
- No, no, I won't permit it.

Oh, if Mr. Dexter insists.

Waiter, check, please.

No, on second thought, I insist.

Well, anything to make you happy.

- I'll explain to you tomorrow.
- You're always explaining tomorrow.

Well, are you coming with us, Phyllis?

- Am I to dance alone?
- Have fun, you two.

Good night.

Good night, Stephen. Pleasant dreams.
It's been charming.

That's very sweet of you.
Thank you.

- Good night, Mrs. Dexter.
- Good night, Hilda.

Good night.

Margie?

Miss Browning speaking.

I'll find out.

Mr. Trion.

...the other night. And she had a lot
of bad dreams, you know?

- Hello, Jos?.
- Good morning.

- Imagine meeting you here.
- Pardon me.

- Hello, darling. Been waiting long?
- Hello, Stephen.

Sorry I'm late.
Oh, what a lovely hat!

- Thank you.
- I'm going to give up work.

Well, now I think I'll have a drink.

- Here you are.
- Thank you.

That was better. But not better enough.
We try again.

Oh, but Jos?, I'm hungry.

You will stay right there and learn this
step before you bite one little eat.

Apartment at the Ritz, check.

Rent of motorcar, check.

One...

What's this item?
One cockatoo.

You know, cockatoo.

Hm, I know what they are,

but what I want to know is how do you
use them in making love.

Phyllis want one for a pet
so I give her the bird.

Hm, that's alright by me.

But Jos?, $75 for one bird!

It talks.

For that amount of money it ought
to read, write and vote.

Dinner for two, Swan Club, 22.35...

luncheon for three, Pierre...

- Luncheon for three?
- Stephen horned in.

Next time see that he picks
up the check.

Supper for two ate the Ritz,
18.25, check.

Breakfast for two...

Breakfast for two, eh?

No, one morning we take ride
with horses in the park.

Oh...

Well... I'll pay these bills...

...and give you a check for running
expenses.

- Brigan...
- One 'z'.

Now, I think you ought to cut down
the overhead, really...

in all fairness to Stephen.

Well, of course.

Jos?, tell me.

What else have you done besides
spend money?

Oh, I make progress.
Yesterday she insult me...

today she slap my face
and tomorrow...

Stephen...
She must have sent him home early.

Well, Jos?, really, I'd love to go.
I mean, if Stephen woud like to.

I'll have to consult him first,
he's been so busy lately.

- Oh, there he is now.
- Oh, Jos?, you're not going.

Yes, I must go and see somebody
about something else.

- Good night.
- Good night, Mr. Dexter.

- Mrs. Dexter.
- Good night, Jos?.

Must you entertain that fellow here?

Oh, I like Jos?.

I'll bet down on his fazenda he has half
a dozen wives and a score of papooses.

Argentines don't have papooses.

I don't care what they have,
I don't want him hanging around.

- Around whom?
- Around anybody.

Kendal... I want a divorce.

Stephen!

- That means you've beaten them.
- Yes, didn't Van Horn tell you?

- No.
- They gave up tonight.

- Oh, I'm so glad.
- Yep, they gave up for good.

I... I do really appreciate all
your help, Kendal.

I'm afraid this is rather short
notice but...

Well, this is a ticket on a westbound
plane. There's a...

There's a check in there too. I want you
to have a nice, long vacation and...

when you're through at Reno, well...

Well, Reno isn't so far from
Los Angeles and...

And Los Angeles isn't so far
from Hawaii.

And Hawaii isn't far from Japan.

Hey, wh...

I like being Mrs. Stephen Dexter.

If you won't divorce me,
I'll divorce you.

- On what grounds?
- My grounds just left.

Jos??
That's comical.

Alright, what was he doing here?
Helping you with your homework?

Yes... Yes!

Yes, yes.

Any time you're too guilty
to think up a good lie...

Oh, boy, are you guilty.

Hey, cut that out.
I'm asleep.

Ask Grandma. He was in
the house all night.

- Oh, go to bed.
- Roger, get me a divorce.

Do you mind waiting until morning?

How soon can I get one?

Well, is Kendal willing?

No!

- Well, if she fights...
- She will.

Then it'll take years.

- Years?
- Five years.

Your best chance is to disappear
and be given up for dead.

Of course it's just a curbstone
opinion.

So you like being Mrs. Stephen
Dexter, hm?

- Alright!
- No... n...

Mother!

Stop it!

Roger!

You stop it, please...

Stop that!

Stephen... Stephen!

I wish you'd make up your mind.

Roger, how can I get rid
of this woman?

Not that way, old boy.

There is a way, though.
I just thought of it. An annulment.

- How soon can you get me one?
- Oh, in a few weeks.

- Are you sure?
- Well, it ought to be a cinch.

All you gotta do is show that
there's been no marriage to date.

Well, you can testify to that.

Hmmm... yeah.

Start annulment proceedings
in the morning.

Right.

Might I suggest that you come
up fairly soon?

Tr*mp that.

How can I?

I can't.

- Good night, Stephen, I'm leaving.
- Hey, wait a minute!

What are you going to do about
your clothes and things?

- I'll pick them up in the morning.
- Well, shall I drive you home?

No, thank you, I'll take a taxi.
And don't forget your buttermilk.

- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, Peterson.

The paper, sir.

Your pick-me-ups, sir.

Anita, oh Anita,
la-la-da-dee-a-da.

- How are you, Rog?
- Hiya.

Where ails everybody this morning?
I'm tip-top myself.

Ah, Roger,

When will you learn that how
a fellow feels in the a.m...

...depends entirely upon what he
did the previous p.m.

Now take us, for example.
Look at you and look at me.

I'd rather not.

There you are, you see?
You're crabby. No pep, no zip.

And why? What did you do last night?

What did I do?
Ha!

- You had a nightcap, didn't you?
- I had several. And what's it to you?

Well, it proves my point. I didn't.

And I'll bet you wouldn't feel the way
you look if you followed my example.

I daresay.

Then why don't you do it?

- Stephen, you've got me worried.
- Hm? What's the matter with you, Roger?

Nothing comparatively, except you.

We've been pals since prep-school days.

But after all, there are certain subjects...

- Is buttermilk one of them?
- What's buttermilk got to do with it?

Ah, that's what I drank last night.

Mousemilk, tigermilk, any kind
of milk you want.

But what am I going to say when
the judge asks me,

'Where was your client on the night
of May 14th?'

What, last night?
You know where I was.

That's just the trouble,
I do know.

I was here in my own home,
in my own room...

...in my own bed, is that a crime?

Well, it's legal. But how am I going
to swear that there's no marriage here?

Kendal can walk into that court,
tell her story and I'll be disbarred.

What story?

Kendal wasn't here,
she went home early.

Roger, you ought to send your mind
out to the dry cleaner's.

But first get me that annulment.

If Kendal wasn't here last night,
who sits there?

Hm?

Nobody. That's funny.
Peterson must have made a mistake.

Well if that's the case, you may consider
the annulment in the bag.

Splendid, splendid!

Well then, don't you think you'd better
be getting a move on, old chap?

Come on, come on, ally up.

I will not ally up.
I haven't had my eggs yet.

Eggs, with your blood pressure?

Say, are you trying to brush me off?

Oh, alright, alright, stay there.
Make a pig of yourself.

I told Peterson not to throw things
down from the window like that.

He's just learning his job, you know?
He's still a bit of a greenhorn.

Pretty fast on your feet,
aren't you, Peterson?

Thank you, sir.
Will you have your eggs fried, sir?

I don't want any eggs.

Look here, just how big a chump
do you think I am?

Speaking merely as your lawyer,
I ask you, is this playing the game?

She must have come back
for her clothes and things.

- A likely story.
- Ask her yourself when she comes down.

Go on, ask her.

- Good morning, Roger.
- Good morning.

I already said good morning
to Stevie.

Thank you.

Where were you on the night...
last night?

Answer my question!

Oh, Roger, not nine in the morning
and you're plastered, really.

- Answer his question!
- Both of you. Tsk tsk tsk.

I want you to tell him exactly what
you did last night.

I want you to tell him that you went
home and you stayed there.

Yes, dear.

I went home and I stayed there.

Thank you.

Hey, hey!

Why you...
You... you...

The sugar, please.

Kendal, what did you do with
Johnny Taylor?

Hm, that's funny. I put him
in Seattle.

- Huh?
- Oh, here he is on the floor.

Oh, thanks.

I'm sending him to Maine.

Now, who do you think would be a
good man to send to Kansas City?

Hey, which one of you bought
a cockatoo?

- What?
- Oh, I did. My old one d*ed.

One cockatoo charged off
living expenses.

- A cocka...
- What are you doing, checking up on me?

Why... I've got to keep the income
tax records straight.

Oh...

Why don't you send Kelly to
Kansas City?

He'll be glad to get away from Denver
and that little redhead.

Oh, is she his secretary?

Hm, I see what you mean.

Kendal we can't go on like this.
One of us has got to give in.

Well, Stephen, I'm waiting.

I give you my solemn word that if
I live to have a beard down here...

...I'll never lay a hand on you.

Except maybe in anger.

You know, if I thought you meant that,
Stephen, I'd quit right away.

Let Phyllis have you.

But I don't believe it.

I believe you love me.

Do you see these? They're pants.
A symbol of masculinity.

There are still a few men left who
do not like to be kicked in them.

And especially by a lady panda.
It hurts their manly pride.

Well, maybe I have been a little
too athletic, but here I am.

You might as well just make
the best of me.

Excuse me, sir.

There's a man to see Mr. and Mrs. Dexter.
He said both at once.

And he said it's personal, urgent
and important.

Oh, we don't want any brushes.

He's a judge from South Carolina.

- Judge Peabody?
- Yes, ma'am... Judge Martin Peabody.

Oh, alright. Show him in.

- Good morning, ma'am, good morning, sir.
- Good morning, Your Honor.

Hm, I see you all remember me.

- With good reason.
- Yes.

Well, I might as well come right out
with what I've got to tell you all.

Do, by all means.

Mind you, it's not as bad
as it sounds.

The fact is, Mr. and Mrs. Dexter,
you are not married.

- What?
- That is, legally.

You see, one of the boys down at the
Court House made a slight mistake.

He sort of forgot to renew
my license.

I thought he had. A few days ago
I found out different.

So I've just been marrying folks
right and left...

...and with no more authority
than a jaybird.

Are you sure we didn't get in
under the wire?

- When did your license expire?
- Four years ago last January.

Yes. Oh, but I got a new
license now.

I know, but after all, I think I...

Well, ma'am now, there's nothing
to go into it to do about.

I didn't know, you didn't know,
he didn't know.

What's been done's been done.

You all are sitting pretty
compared to me.

I gotta go and find all those folks
and marry them all over again right.

And I'm fixing to start with you.
Now, join hands, please.

No, some other time, I think, thanks.

Oh well, this one's on me, sir.

No, no, Your Honor, I think this
one's on me.

- Oh, you're not worried about anything?
- No, no, I'm not...

Never mind. My wife, Mrs. uh...

Miss Browning is very shy.

Well then, there's nothing to be
nervous about. Come there, join hands.

No, no, I think my next wedding
is going to be a big affair.

You know, church, bridesmaids,
all that sort of thing.

Oh, no, no, really.. I don't think I should
like one of those big noisy weddings.

You know, I'd feel overdressed
in a veil and...

I can see my wife walking down
the aisle all in white.

With the sunshine streaming through
her golden hair.

- She's quite charming as a brunette, I think.
- Oh, thank you, Your Honor.

I reckon you're the head of this family
so I'll just bid you all a very good day.

Goodbye, Judge, and any time you're
up north you just drop in.

And thank you for coming.
Thank you very much.

Your servant, sir.
Now, I'd better shake a leg.

Yes.

Before I go back tonight, I've got
to legalize four more unions...

...and take in the World's Fair.

Hello, Hotel Mortimer?

Miss Phyllis Walden, please.

Here's your party.

Hello, Phyllis.

Hello, hello!
Miss Phyllis Walden, please.

Ow!

Hello! Hello!

- Phyllis, hello!
- Here, Stephen.

Oh, speak louder, dear. I can't hear you,
come nearer to the phone.

- Is this better?
- Now, Phyllis, listen carefully.

I want you to come down to
the office quickly.

I'm not married. I've never
been married.

- Have you told your wife?
- Oh, you keep out of this!

Service?

Well... well...

Phyllis... we can be married!

Uh, if you like.

And if you find my financial statement
a little overworked...

...just file it under 'gravy' and call
the District Attorney's office.

- Certainly, Miss... Miss Browning.
- Bye.

William, I...

Kendal, my darling, today is the happiest
day of my whole life.

Good! How much money have
you got left?

- A few... you need some?
- No, but you will.

And you'd better hang on to it
and make it last a long time.

From now on you're on your own.

But Kendal, my dear, I have something
very important for to tell you!

Save it for posterity.

- But Kendal, today I popped the question.
- Okay, Jos?, write me a letter about it.

But I have no time to write
a letter. Now, I get the license.

Alright, alright, don't hit anybody.

It is not for an automobile.
It is for Phyllis.

- Oh, a dog license.
- No, no, no, no.

A marriage license.

Tomorrow I get a job, Saturday
we get married...

...and Sunday we live happily
ever afterward.

- Of course you told her all about yourself.
- Oh, certainly.

Everything?

- Well... not everything.
- Oh, that's what I thought.

But I am beginning to hint.
I told her the other day...

I do not have two big haciendas...

...but I only have perhaps maybe
a little one.

- How did she take it?
- She smiled.

Well, she's gonna laugh right
out loud when you tell her...

...where you got your courting
money from.

That I save for the honeymoon.

Well, you'd better dash right home
to her apartment,

take her in your arms and hold
her tight.

Because she's making other
arrangements on the phone.

She's not at home on the phone.

She's in there with Stephens making
arrangements to let him down easy.

- She got here already?
- She's in there with your husband.

He's not my husband, he never was
my husband. We're not married.

Oh, Kendal!

Oh, but who am I to cast the
first stone?

Ah, he is in there alone with her
and she is free?

- Yeah, and there's a lot of cement.
- Oh, no! Come!

From now on you're working
for me!

Click the clicker, quick!

Choose! Him or me?

How dare you break in here like this.
I must ask you to get out at once.

Over your dead body.

Well, if you'd rather that I kicked you out
I shall be only to happy to oblige.

Stephen, I like you. Phyllis likes you
even more than I do.

But you cannot win her never.
You have no chance at all against me.

She is in love with Jos?. Madly!

- Since when?
- Since always, since the beginning of time.

When the world was young
and damp and...

...I was a bullfrog and you were
a cowfrog.

It is like that with you and Kendal.
With all lovers.

Phyllis, I can't honestly claim that
my acquaintance...

...with you dates back as far as his.

Oh, mind you, not that I question
for one moment the truth...

...of all he has to tell us about his
origin and pedigree.

On the contrary. But you know me,
who I am and what I do.

Jos? comes from one of the oldest
families in South America!

Yes, one of the largest too,
I daresay.

Phyllis, you owe it to yourself
to find out a lot about this fellow.

- He's rich, yes.
- But only in our love.

Well, you don't move from
a frog pond to the Ritz on love.

And, by the way, where do you get
your money, Se?or Briganza?

Well, he uh...

Oh, I know all about that.
Jos? told me.

- Would you mind telling me?
- Not at all.

He gets his money from the
same place you do.

- Cement.
- Cement?

I beg your pardon.

Oh, what's the matter with you now?

Well, I'm a little dubious about
one item here.

A rather biggish hotel bill, I...

Goodbye, Jos?, goodbye, Phyllis,
good luck.

Come, my darling, we will be late.

- Yeah, but late for what?
- Hey wait!

Here, wait a minute, wait a minute,
we haven't finished our discussion.

Ah, twelve bottles of Old Ramona's Rye...
no, that's mine.

Here it is, Ritz Hotel. Now, do you use
your suite at the Ritz for business?

I haven't got a suite at the...
I never li...

Did you say the Ritz?
Let me see that.

I can cover up for you. We can charge
it off to entertainment.

Now this flock of checks here,
100, 150, 100, 200, made out to...

Jos? Briga...
Have you got a new tailor?

No, I still get my clothes at...

Here, give me those checks!

- You want to sue anybody?
- Yes, yes...

Sue everybody, go on, sue yourself,
go on, go on!

Ha!

You get your money from cement, eh?
My cement!

Look at those.

They mean just what you
think they mean.

Oh, Phyllis, forgive me.

Jos?, how could you take money
from this... this...

- This what?
- You know what!

Why, even the flowers you gave me!

Keep them, keep them. They come
from me in a roundabout way.

Se?or Dexter, your seconds will find
me at the Hotel Ritz until tomorrow.

Noon!

My right hand!
With a Kn*fe in it!

Uh... it was Jos?'s birthday.

And how many times was he born?

Well, most of that was a loan.

I will pay back every cent at once!

- Can you?
- No.

Oh, Jos?, you're vile,
you're cheap!

Cheap? Ha!

Oh, you'll get it back,
you'll get everything back.

Yes, everything that's coming
to you, heaven help you.

Stephen, darling, I won't be much
use to you in the office.

There's something she did that I...
simply couldn't do.

I'm not clever the way you are.
A smooth liar can make a fool out of me.

Go on, go on.
Just two more words!

You're pathetic!

- Now, now, now!
- Darling, remember the place.

Hey, take your hands off her,
you gold digger!

You cannot talk to me like that,
you white people!

- Now wait, Stephen, stop it, stop it!
- Get out of my way!

- Get out of my way too!
- Will you please take your hands off him?

- Mind your own business!
- This is my business!

- Who'd fight over you?
- Now, Kendal, that'll do!

Please enough, stop fighting
and start to live!

Come on, come on, get out
of here the two of you!

You would not think it would matter if I was
empty with money and I was full with love.

- Go on, go on.
- I'm going, I'm going.

- Stephen!
- What?

Uh, don't forget to put Kelly
in Kansas City.

- Six years!
- Huh?

Six years I've put up with her!
Six long years...

...she's bossed me and bullied me!

Butting in here, butting in there.

Pushing me this way, shoving me
that way.

I might have known that she'd do
anything to get her own way.

You know, I must be the biggest fool.

You? Oh no, me.

Why, he isn't the first man
I ever saw.

He isn't the first man who ever
made love to me.

I should have known from the very
start that he was a phony.

Honest men just don't make
love that well.

They haven't had enough practice.

Six years, and every single day
she'd do something frightful to me.

Why, I've stood more from Kendal Browning
than I'd stand from the woman that I love.

He and his polo ponies, and his parrots,
and his haciendas.

And his lines!

Phyllis, my heart of hearts.

We will walk through the wood,

and wherever your sweet little feet
touch the ground...

...flowers will grow.

Flowers! Humph!

Show me in all history a more
vicious woman.

Truth? Honor? Decency?
They mean nothing to her.

I knew men were low,
but not that low.

She schemes, she lies, she cheats.
Oh, but no more.

- No more at my expense.
- I... I'd like to strangle him.

You know? I regard today
as being the luckiest day in my life.

You should to.

Should I?

Stephen.

Why don't we stop kidding ourselves?

I'm glad you said it first.

- There they are! Kendal!
- Jos?!

Taxi!

Follow that bus.

- Kendal!
- Jos?!

Darling!

- Jos?!
- Darling!

Kendal! Kendal, I love you!
Darling, I miss you!

- I love you, I love you!
- Honey, be careful!

And don't try that again, buddy!

Mind you, Kendal, I'm not giving in.

That's my department.
See this? It's a skirt.

Darling, did you remember to put
Kelly in Kansas City?

Oh, Kendal, what am I going
to do about you?