(soft music)
(western music)
- [Narrator] In the small town
of Independence, Missouri,
on a cool August morning full
of bird song and cholera,
sat the lonely Widow, Aveline Jenkins.
She wasn't a widow by choice, mind you,
because that would've been m*rder.
No, Aveline Jenkins was cursed.
Every boy Aveline ever
loved met with tragedy.
Little Jonesy who found a sinkhole,
Glen, the ranch hand,
who befriended a snake,
Simone Boulevard, who forgot to tip,
culminating in the death
of her husband, Henry.
But enough about that,
this is a comedy after all.
- On to the next one.
- [Narrator] To escape
yellow fever, typhoid,
but mostly just the humidity,
Aveline sent her children
off with her parents
out west to Oregon.
They say distance makes
the heart grow fonder,
and nobody knew that better than Aveline.
She, of course, had to stay behind
because her spinster sister Cora,
had developed an on and
off again relationship
with dysentery.
- [Aveline] She's real sick.
- [Narrator] She maintained
her cheery demeanor
in between tending to.
Cora's gravity-defying laundry fiascos.
- Sorry.
- [Narrator] But summer was almost over,
and Aveline knew that gross
and deadly bowel disease
or no gross and deadly bowel disease,
Cora, and she must leave soon
to reach her family before winter.
- [Cora] Aveline, I
somehow soiled the ceiling.
I don't know how.
(light music)
It's up there in the northeast corner,
and it's in the southeast corner,
and I did get it up the chimney.
(upbeat western music)
(train whistle blowing)
- [Narrator] Meanwhile,
Elijah Goodman disembarked
from the train in Independence, Missouri
to collect his wagon and eight oxen
to set out on his journey to the West.
He wasn't particularly weak looking,
but I wouldn't blame
anyone who said he was.
- Ho there traveling boy.
- Hello, sir.
- You traveling somewhere, traveling boy?
- Going west to teach
at the Oregon Institute.
In the Willamette Valley.
- An educated traveling boy.
- Name's Elijah, sir.
- Elijah, you read the Bible?
- Yes, sir.
- You named after the
Bible or the criminal?
- [Elijah] I suppose the Bible.
- Prophet?
- I believe so.
- [Bearded Man] Don't you lie to me, boy.
- No, I wouldn't.
- See this rope?
- I, I think I do.
- This represents you.
Without God.
- Without God?
- Life pulls on your heart, and you go.
You know these traveling boys,
you know why they have to travel?
- I'm not sure I do.
- They got no foundation.
They realize who they
are, and that's nothing.
- Nothing. Okay.
- It takes a strong man to stay put.
Gonna need a wagon. Think about that?
Traveling boy?
- Yes, I'm heading to the stockyard now
to collect my wagon and team.
- Joe Delmar's stockyard?
- That's the one.
- Hoo hoo hoo.
Joe Delmar, he's a slick one.
He gonna get the better of any deal.
You be careful there, traveling boy.
- Pleasure to meet you, sir.
- These traveling boys, always traveling.
Always traveling.
(tense music)
- [Narrator] Yes, Elijah
was a traveling boy,
living in a world of stay put men.
- Samson?
- Huh?
- I'm sorry I mistook you
for someone in the Bible.
- Name's Elijah, Sir.
I just need to collect my wagon.
- And I just need to pay respect
to those Clydesdale thighs of yours.
- I don't have time for small talk.
Could you please just get the oxen?
- Why? You're as strong as an ox.
Stronger, I'd say.
- And you can stop with
the false flattery.
- Oh, it ain't false.
You got more calves than a cattle drive.
- That's enough. Sir, I believe
you're trying to rip me off.
- Well, I'm not trying to rip you off.
You're plenty ripped as it is.
Check this out.
(canvas whooshing)
- Oh,
what is this?
- Let me answer your
question with a question.
Have you ever seen a depressed ox before?
- I don't think so.
- You see, the greatest
joy an animal or man
can experience in this
life is to pull a wagon.
- What do you call it?
- A handcar.
Do you know why we call it that?
- You move it with your hands?
- The only thing buffer than
your brawn is your brain.
(Elijah chuckling)
You wanna give it a little test drive?
- Why not? Yeah.
- Go on, get.
- Look at this.
- Those are the nicest set of
pushing hands I've ever seen.
- I do admit I like to feel of the handle,
and it's so light.
I can't believe it's so light.
- Yeah, it's a shame you
can't experience that joy
for 3000 miles, unless,
no, I couldn't do that.
- What?
- We were to do an exchange.
- You want me to trade a
covered wagon and eight oxen
for a handcart?
- Have you ever fed eight oxen before?
- [Elijah] No.
- Have you ever smelled eight oxen before?
- No.
- Then I'm saving you a misery son.
This'll be the greatest
trade you ever made.
Plus, it'll reduce your carbon footprint.
- I didn't even consider that.
- Few do.
Few do.
Now this thing is yours.
Free and clear.
- For free?
- You are as shrewd as
you are strong, Elijah.
- Oregon Trail, here I come.
- [Joe] Bye, Elijah. (laughing)
- What was that?
- Nothing.
- Appreciate it.
- Bye.
- We'll see ya.
- [Narrator] Meanwhile,
Aveline walked through town.
- It's the cursed widow Jenkins.
- Oh, it's too bad she's cursed.
I was wondering where she got that bonnet.
- Please don't fall in love with me.
- It's so nice.
- It is nice.
(soft piano music)
(slugging)
- Oh.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Excuse me, ma'am.
- No, it was my fault.
I'm so distracted thinking
about my late husband,
distant children, and
depressing existence.
- If I had a nickel.
- [Narrator] He probably didn't.
Even then teachers weren't paid much.
- Very sorry to hear about
your late husband though.
- Oh, that was years ago.
I much prefer just mothering
my children anyway.
Only bother is I only had
two and I always wanted,
- 12.
- 12.
- 11 is too few and.
- And 13 is,
- The devil's number.
- The devil's number.
(mandolin music)
- Oh, the post has arrived.
- I'm Elijah Goodman, by the way.
- Aveline Jenkins.
Oh good, I got a letter
from my daughter, Sarah.
I should pay for this pork.
8 cents for salted pork!
Prices have sure gotten
steep under new management.
- Oh my God.
- Oh my goodness.
- I thought that was floating candles.
- Sorry to have frightened you.
- [Aveline] Just startled us is all.
- We thought you were floating candles.
- I am quite stealthy.
Stealthy as diptheria, that's my motto.
- That's a pretty offensive motto.
- Couldn't help overhearing
the complaint about our prices.
- Oh, I'm just used to paying less
when Mr. Taylor ran the store.
- Ah yes. My husband was
quite soft till he d*ed.
Rigor mortis finally
made him tough as nails.
- Wow.
- I don't think we've been
introduced, I'm Aveline.
- Robert Gladstone.
- Nice to meet you, Roberta.
- You misheard me, or were
poorly attempting to be polite.
My name is Robert.
(dramatic music)
My father was ashamed I
was a girl, understandably,
and gave me the most masculine
name he could think of.
While the name did make
school days difficult,
the endless taunting of
children made me strong.
Not strong enough to be admitted
into the sheriff's department,
or the militia, or my father's heart.
Still, it is why the
government left me this store,
seeing as they thought I
was a strong, superior male.
- Life just isn't fair, is it?
- Of course life's not fair.
Why do you think it
has the word lie in it?
Now you think on that a while.
- I will, ma'am.
- You call me by my Christian name.
- Robert.
- Robert Failure Gladstone.
- Oh no.
- What is it?
- My eczema?
- My daughter, she's getting married.
- Oh, that's great.
- She's 15.
- Historically, still great.
- It says she's fallen in
love with a dreamy old outlaw,
who gave her a tattoo in
the back of his wagon,
and k*lled her friend for
staring too long at his hump.
- Is it a big hump or I'm sorry,
I don't know how to make this better.
- I have to go west, now.
- [Caller] Last coach to go west.
That applies to anyone within earshot.
- Here, this should cover it.
Take care, Robert.
- I don't ask for care, I take oh,
oh, that is what you said, okay.
- Everything all right, boss?
- Half a cent short.
We've been conned, Willy.
- You want me to go fetch it back?
- No, no.
She'll use her delicate language
and elusive feminine ways to confuse you.
We need to corner her like
a rat in a meat grinder.
- A what in a what?
- Excuse me sir.
I need to go west immediately.
- Put the closed sign up, Willy.
We're going west.
- All right.
That's your name tag.
- I get 'em mixed up all the time.
- One says closed.
- And the other says, open.
- Willy.
- Willy.
(bright music)
- [Narrator] Aveline
was on her way out west
with the famed Evander Lillian
Quist Handcart Company.
Accompanying her were Hank,
Mountain Man of the Plains,
Terrence, a fine purveyor
of animal husbandry.
The doctor, who invented malpractice,
Charlotte, who looked like Mother Goose,
and her son Joseph,
who had come down with
a bad case of the polio,
and Julian.
Well, he was just kind of there.
And many others who were less interesting,
all led by their fearless
leader, The Captain.
- You stay away from me, widow Jenkins.
We don't want your curse
getting all over this company.
That's the last thing we need.
- Don't you worry Hank,
widow Jenkins ain't cursed.
- Cursed?
- Thank you, Terrence.
- Unless, if she falls in love with you,
then you're as dead as a dead doornail.
- Doornails aren't alive.
- What, you fall in love with them too?
Don't you go falling for me.
These whiskers are a proven thirst trap.
- Salutations travelers.
Look at this ragtag group of ragamuffins
dressed in your best rags.
- Why are you saying rags so much?
- I am Captain a Evander Lillian Quist,
leader of this fine migratory company.
Oh, but I'm much more than just brains
and the heir to an ivory trading empire.
For you see,
I have personally accompanied
Davy Crockett himself
on some of his fiercest expeditions.
I have no doubt that we
shall reach Oregon Territory
before the first frost
slaughterers us all.
(g*n f*ring)
I say Angus, this is an
expedition, not a foot race.
- That's right.
It's not a race.
It's life, brother.
- Why does he have
band-aids on his nipples?
- He's a runner.
Who knows why any of those
sickos do what they do?
- That's why we do it.
- Everybody, to your wagons.
All right Florence, my noble steed.
Let us ride like the wind.
Yes, though a little high.
All right.
Yes, oh, I'm falling, I'm falling.
I've fallen.
Yes. Please be just the mustard to cut.
Yes. Thank you, sir.
Tally ho.
- Cora?
Cora?
Cora, what are you doing
here lying in the bush?
- I tripped.
- While holding flowers?
- I fell on them when I tripped.
- Sure.
- You should just go without me,
and I'll catch up,
or not.
(bells chiming)
- Cora, they are heading out. Get up.
- Do you know what six months
of dysentery does to a person?
- Makes your cheekbones more defined?
- You're just trying
to make me feel better.
- You know what'll make you
feel better is a nice walk.
Come on, let's go.
- I can't walk. I got
fever blisters on my feet.
- Oh, what in tarnation?
- It's fate now, just let it take me.
- Golfers, slamming it with
us poor folks just for kicks.
- Are you talking to me, Hank?
- I was talking to the general company.
Quit loving on me, you viper.
- Come on.
- [Cora] Honey, don't wait on me,
and don't lay it on thick.
- [Narrator] And so they were headed west,
unaware of the murderous mountains,
deadly deserts and
Nebraska that lay ahead.
- [Eerie Voice] Nebraska.
- [Narrator] Unaware of the wicked woman
that followed close
behind, but not too close.
Our heroes did get ahead start after all.
- I'll not be swindled
by the smoothest snake in all Missouri.
- A milk snake.
- I often speak in metaphors, Willy.
A result of the many
books I socialized with
in the place of cruel,
unimaginative children.
Try to keep up.
- Well, this ain't your
first rodeo, I see.
- Rodeos are for clowns.
- But what if you were the bull?
- I prefer to be a bear,
superior fightin' skills.
- Bear's numbers are dwindling
due to deforestation.
- I'd be a polar bear.
No forest.
- No fooling you, I see.
- My father, after shutting
himself in his room
for six years to mourn
the discontinuation of his male line,
instructed me in all the male
arts of fighting, negotiating,
and expecting others to
adjust to my comfort level.
Now why would I possibly want one of these
in the place of two reliable horses?
- Well, because this is
for the husky huskies,
who have learned that they
can only depend on themselves.
- I'm a husky husky.
- Dragging one of these across the country
would make any father proud.
(solemn music)
- [Narrator] And with that,
Robert was on her way to get
her half cent from Aveline,
who had stopped to rest
amid the hardships and boredom that is-
- [Eerie Voice] Nebraska.
- There you go, nice and comfy.
- It looks like rain.
(acoustic guitar music)
- [Narrator] Just behind the
company were two jolly chaps,
Sirs Clarence and Chesterton.
- Oh, there it is. (laughing)
Well, I must admit Clarence,
I was skeptical when you first
proposed a wild west holiday.
- Yes, I do recall
Chesterton, I do recall.
- But this really has
been quite the adventure.
- Quite the (foreign phrase)
if you will. (laughing)
- Looking tough, a couple
of rough and tough cowboys.
- Yes, this is very fun, very fun.
- Well, let's do this, shall we?
- Yes we shall.
- Here we are.
One, two.
Fore!
Oh, landed in the river.
- Dog gone it.
- Well, let's not waste time.
I'll just set another.
- Uh uh ah.
Where it lies, Chesterton, where it lies.
- You're right.
- Yes.
- You're right, onward.
- [Narrator] September rolled around
and the seasons were a-changing.
And every leaf in the
wind reminded Aveline
she had to keep moving if she
wanted to stop her daughter
from becoming an outlaw's wife,
which is like being a mob boss's wife,
but with a lot more tobacco juice.
(soft music)
- That song just gets me.
(romantic mandolin music)
You seem happy.
- Aveline, in case you've forgotten,
I am quite a pleasant
person when you take away
the fever and the boils
and the hemorrhaging
bowels and the scales.
- When did you get scales?
- They're new, I got bit
by an armadillo last week.
- Hi.
- Oh, hello again.
- I didn't realize we'd
be in the same company.
- I just couldn't wait to
see the Pacific Northwest.
Sorry, my heart palpation.
- Ah. Hello, ma'am.
You must be Aveline's much younger sister.
- You are correct, sir.
- Oh, I didn't.
You're actually.
Your mother's in Oregon already.
- I'm Cora.
- Elijah.
- Mind the scales?
- Wow.
Interesting texture.
- A whole hand cart all to yourself, huh?
You must get lonely
out there on the trail.
- It's for all my books.
I'm a professor, you see?
Set to teach at the Oregon Institute.
- Oh.
I'm not much of a reader myself.
- I think anybody's a
reader with the right book.
- No, I'm illiterate and partially blind.
And I lost all sensitivity
on my fingertips,
so braille is no good either.
- It's true.
She was gripping that
chamber pot too hard.
- Ah yes, that disproves my point then.
- But you could try to teach me.
- Okay.
- You could be my miracle worker.
- I'll think about it.
- So is your wife in Oregon?
- Alas, I have no wife, no children.
- I don't want no children neither.
- That's not what I said.
- Cora, I haven't seen you this excitable
since before your condition.
- Well, nothing much exciting
was happening, till now.
- [Voice In The Distance] Oh help.
- Oh, hold on, we're coming.
- Oh, don't leave me.
- Okay, I'm coming.
- Just stay in the cart.
- No, I got this.
- [Narrator] Someone needed help,
but could a traveling boy as
weak as Elijah provide it?
- Help, I've been immobilized.
- Are you hurt?
- Dangerously so, and not solely my pride.
Look.
- Your shoe is scuffed?
- It is.
And here I thought I only
suffered the horrendous pain
of stubbing my toe.
- That's why you called us over here?
- Exactly.
You understand.
And if matters weren't terrible enough,
I barely landed safely
on my security blanket.
- What's wrong with his mouth?
- I know what you're thinking
because I heard you say it out loud.
I recently had a bit of a kerfuffle
with the burley gut alphabet soup.
Ironically, it was the
hour that b*rned me.
- The hour?
- Exactly.
Now please do me a kindness and carry me.
- To where?
- California, you understand.
- No, that's like a million miles away.
- What about you?
You're clearly already with child.
If you can carry one
person, what's one more?
- You are an adult and I'm not pregnant.
- Oh.
I just thought, you understand.
- I don't.
- Okay, maybe we could help you
find your travel companions?
I assume you're not surviving
out here on your own.
- You assume right. I never
leave home without Mr. Squishy.
- I guess we'll get going then.
- Wait, take me with you.
I need to prove to my parents
that I can do hard things.
- Can you though?
- Aveline.
- What? We were all thinking it.
- It's true.
I can't do hard things.
Just leave me here to parish.
- Okay.
- Okay. Bye.
- I'm sorry, maybe it's
better that you don't go west.
You understand.
- I do.
I do understand. (crying)
- [Narrator] We all understand.
- I believe oxen are much more
depressed than I realized.
- They are pretty sad.
Oh, Cora.
- Ugh.
Yes, sister dear.
- Would you mind fetching me some water
from the river down yonder?
- Manual labor, since when,
have you ever needed to ask?
Be back soon.
I don't know what you've done for Cora,
but whatever it is, keep it up.
- For Cora? I don't
think I've done anything.
- She hasn't walked more
than 10 feet on her own
for over a year.
(Cora gasping)
It is a sight to behold.
- Yes it is.
- Actually Elijah,
could you do me a favor?
- Why, of course.
- Do you mind spending
more time with Cora?
I do believe she gets
strength from your presence.
- Far be it for me to
presume, but I don't.
- Please, Elijah.
It's been so long since she
had something to live for.
- It'd be my pleasure Miss Aveline.
- Thank you.
- Hold on, Miss Cora.
- [Narrator] And so Elijah,
feeling the kind of
Christian duty one feels
when caring for the elderly
or a leprous ferret,
walked with Cora along the
river as the sun went down.
- Mighty fun evening.
- Doesn't the sunset look lovely?
- Elijah,
did you just bring me out
here for the romantic sunset?
- Oh, I didn't mean to imply.
Have you ever skipped rocks, Miss Cora?
- I don't think I have
since I was a child.
- Here, I'll help you remember.
That was a bad rock.
- Oh, let me try.
- Oh, you'll want a
smoother rock than that.
(acoustic guitar music)
Wow, I didn't know you had it in you.
If you wanna be consistent though.
Should I, this.
Yeah.
- Oh, hey!
What'd you do that for?
- Sorry.
- You know what?
I don't care for you much.
- That was weirdly hurtful.
(screams)
- I was about to get eaten by a shark,
but then you threw a
rock at and k*lled it.
Thank you.
- Why, you're welcome.
Imagine that, shark's in a river.
- Yeah, the Missouri's known
to have bull sharks in it.
- Bulls aren't sharks,
Elijah, you're confused.
- Okay.
- Ah!
What on earth are you doing?
That's a piece of my dead meemaw's femur.
- Oh, I didn't know.
- What kind of a sick person are you?
- You should really try to
bury her remains deeper.
- I lost this hand to frostbite.
You wanna dig a grave with one hand?
- I'm sorry.
I've been looking for your femur
All the live long day
- It's just a femur.
- Hey, did you k*ll my shark?
- No.
- Swim in peace my sweet
baby, swim in peace.
- And swim in peace it did,
while Aveline's stalwart
foe entered Nebraska
crossing paths with,
ugh, not this guy again.
- My dear, you look absolutely exhausted.
Might I offer you a pillow?
Not this one of course, you understand.
- I made a vow.
I would not rest till I
found those thievin' sirens
who stole my half cent.
- A cent, cut in half?
Sounds sharp.
- I know it seems harsh,
but I am a person of utmost integrity.
One of the reasons I
never pay myself, a woman,
more wages than my shop boy Willy here.
As my father once told me
during the only conversation we had
when he mistook me for
the train conductor,
if women were meant to make more money,
they'd have bigger hands.
- Well, your hands are pretty big.
You know from far away,
I thought you were either Paul Bunion,
or a scary moose on its hind legs.
You understand.
- Why are you in an
exposed area by yourself?
- Well I had planned on going west,
but two ladies said mean things to me.
So now I live here, and
spend my days coloring.
- Women belittled you?
- Said I didn't have
what it takes to go west.
You understand.
- I most certainly do not.
- You
don't understand?
- I see before me a man.
And that is the only qualification needed
for success in any endeavor.
(solemn music)
Good luck, weak-handed man.
We'll see you in the west.
- Let's go, Buster.
Whoa.
Too many bumps.
- [Narrator] So began October,
and with it, the weather worsened.
- So much for b*ating the first frost.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
- [Narrator] Mm, doubtful.
(Captain humming)
- Tea time.
- [Narrator] Day turned to
night and night turned to day,
and Nebraska stayed Nebraska,
dumping a bunch of Nebraskan
snow on our weary travelers.
- How'd you sleep?
- Amazing. I d*ed twice,
but came back three.
- That's a personal record.
- Who is the luckiest girl in the world?
It's me.
- How was your stroll with Elijah?
- You know I don't stroll until.
- Are you blushing?
- No.
- Sorry, it's hard to tell.
You're usually so pale.
- It's a rash.
- You seem different.
- I don't know, I feel alive again.
I'm filled with vigor and
bile, but mostly vigor.
And I.
(soft music)
- What in blazes?
- Where did he get such a garish hat?
- Oh, the shoes, very impractical heel.
- I think he wants you to ask
where he got his shoes and hat.
- I will not.
(Captain clearing his throat)
- Oh, oh dear.
Notice anything different, Jenkinses?
- Don't think so.
- I finally look the part
of a true frontiersman, yes?
Huh?
Oh, that felt less than optimal.
Oh.
Not a fan of red, hmm.
Now the devil did say that
some would be intimidated
by my striking appearance.
- The who?
- The devil.
I sold my soul to him you
see, for these dashing duds.
- No, you didn't.
You wouldn't have done that.
- I did, I did do that.
- For those clothes?
- It was either these or
some practical hiking boots,
but I thought style
over function, you know?
- Your soul Captain?
What does this even mean?
- I think it just means that when I die,
I go straight to Hades,
no matter what I do.
Quite the adventure, eh?
- That's terrible.
- Not if I don't die for
a considerably long time.
- We are on the Oregon Trail.
It's not exactly known for
its high survival rate.
- No, poppycock, that's just hearsay.
(Captain screaming)
Say what you will about the devil,
he does make good leather.
Shall we be off then?
Westwood ho, my comrades.
Oh.
- These have very little arch support.
(dramatic music)
- I do not know about this, Chesterton.
(snakes buzzing)
(dramatic music)
Let's try the three iron.
Yes. (laughing)
- There it lies.
- Fore!
- Oh, it landed in the sand trap.
(laughing)
- Where it lies, Chesterton.
- [Chesterton] (laughing) These rascals.
- Get off.
- [Narrator] Aveline plodded onward
trekking through the snow and
thinking to herself, oh boy.
Then she said it out loud.
- Oh boy.
I'm worried about our company.
With this man is our guide,
who knows what kind of traps
or perils we might wander into.
- What have you got against the Captain?
I think he's a brilliant guide.
- Yeah, just look at his head.
- I think you're just mad 'cause
he's more popular than you.
- Popular? What is
this, the seventh grade?
- You know I never
finished the seventh grade.
None of us have.
- It's okay, Hank.
She didn't mean nothing by
it. You're doing just fine.
- What's going on, Terrence.
- Widow Jenkins over here is trying
to take control of our company.
- And k*ll the Captain.
- Oh my goodness, that is not true.
- Yes it is.
- Yes it is.
- Why would I wanna k*ll the Captain?
- [Hank] Why would you not
want to k*ll the Captain?
- [Aveline] It sounds like you want-
- Jolly good news, I say.
We have a township up ahead,
a place where we can gather supplies
and maybe rest our feet,
which I think might be bleeding.
And the weather should
clear up by then, too.
So, it's looking up for this company.
Ah snow, nature's cold water.
Follow me everyone.
Hi ho, come along Florence.
Up we get.
- Well, I'm gonna stock up
on as many supplies as I can.
Who knows the next time
we'll find a trading post at this rate?
- Then I'll do the opposite
and go to the saloon.
- Me too.
I'm in desperate need of my medicine,
but this option sounds less cursey.
- Fine, suit yourself.
I'm not getting your
medicine for you, Joe.
You can't be mean to me
and then expect me to get your medicine.
- You're mean to everyone and expect them
to get your medicine.
- [Aveline] I'm a nice person.
- [Narrator] Nice is a
strong word, Aveline.
The company had finally
made it to Wyoming.
Wyoming? How many worse
states are there like this?
- Yep, this feels much better
than grabbing food and medicine.
- Amen.
- Get 'em up y'all.
(g*n f*ring)
I'm Johnny River, and this
here's the Johnny River g*ng.
- Otherwise known as the Thievin' Three.
- Otherwise known as the Stealing Startup.
- We're still working on the name.
- I thought we settled
on the Johnny River g*ng.
It's my name.
- Don't be offended.
It's not your fault your name's so dumb.
- It was my father's name,
and my grandmother's.
- Her grandmother was named Johnny River?
- She was the Mulan of the West.
- Why don't we brainstorm
some other ideas?
- Well, we wouldn't have this conversation
if you just went with my first
idea, Johnny and Sombreros.
- We don't wear sombreros.
- We should wear sombreros.
- That's appropriation.
Did we learn nothing
from the kimono incident?
- Okay, what if we just
combine the letters
in all of our first names?
- Lil Joka Tilly group.
- It's still missing like 20 letters.
- What if we just do Madam Molly
and her two semi attractive friends?
- You probably shouldn't
put friends in the name.
- I agree. It's too inviting.
Y'all ain't friends. You're outlaws.
- Now what you need is a whole rebranding.
- My favorite is still the Johnny River.
Buckeye Billy Madam Molly
and their sassy new friend
who just wants to feel more alive.
- I think we're getting
off the rails here.
- I say we go back to simple, The Bandits.
- Ain't that the name of a
ventriloquist barbershop quartet?
- Yeah, they're good.
And you don't wanna dash
someone's hopes when they see you
instead of a quartet of puppets.
- They should have their hopes dashed.
We're outlaws.
- Puppets scare me.
- How about the Johnny
River g*ng and Associates?
- Cut the associates.
- I think we got it.
- All right! (yelling)
- [Outlaw] Oh, sorry.
My finger slipped on the trigger.
(soft music)
- Okay, y'all well, Hank,
I didn't realize you'd be joining us?
- I will not be joining you, Aveline.
I'm here for pork rinds,
not your Coquettish talk.
- Oh, no I didn't.
- There's no use, Aveline.
We would never work.
You'd have better luck
beguiling this softie.
- Thank you?
- Well, regardless of
why you're here, Hank,
we're all in need of supplies.
So we'll have to make some savvy trades.
- [Elijah] This is Kit Carson's store?
I've heard he's mighty intimidating.
- I heard Kit Carson was
once bit by a grizzly,
and after two weeks of excruciating pain,
the grizzly finally d*ed.
- I heard that ghosts
tell Kit Carson stories
around their campfires.
- There are no plains
named for Kit Carson,
because no one would
dare cross Kit Carson.
- This isn't helping.
We must stay united no
matter how shrewd or daunting
negotiations may be.
(soft music)
- Oh, sorry.
How much did that flower cost you?
- Five cups of sugar.
- It's a little steep, but
honestly not as bad as I thought.
- Two oxen, the deed to my land,
the jewelry of my deceased
mother, and my firstborn son.
- It's okay Pa, you
did what you had to do.
(Pa sobbing)
No hard feelings.
- It caught on the nail.
All my flour.
No, no.
(thunder rumbling)
Oh, it's starting to rain.
Oh no.
The birds, no, back your ringing devils.
Back I tell you.
(thunder rumbling)
Please have mercy.
- Is she praying to birds?
(thunder crashing)
(dramatic western music)
- Stay united.
- Don't grab my hand.
- I'm not.
- Oh, this is my hands.
I have soft hands.
(dramatic western music)
- Greetings, y'all.
- Mr. Carson?
- Please, call me Kitty.
- You see here, Kit.
- Kitty.
- Kitty, pardon.
We were hoping to trade for some supplies.
- My voice wasn't always
this way, you know?
- [Aveline] Pardon?
I was kicked by a buffalo.
- That explains a lot.
- Do you know where I was
kicked by the buffalo?
- I have a good suspicion.
- My throat.
- I was wrong.
- If you'll excuse us a moment, Kitty.
- No, it's fine. I'll go
back to counting my beans.
One bean, two beans, three beans,
four beans, five beans.
- He knows we don't have any beans
and he's just rubbing it in our faces.
- Nine beans.
- Let's make this trade, y'all.
He's been weakened. Let's do this.
- Okay.
- (screaming) You threw off my count.
- Pardon?
Let's talk flour.
I couldn't help but notice
some weevils, right guys?
- And that should tell you
just how desperate we are for flour.
Also pork rinds.
- Please, Mr. Kitty, we'll do anything.
- Anything?
Then I want you to m*rder the
buffalo who did this to me.
- Really?
- Yes.
He roams the pass on the
edge of the Oregon territory.
Mocking me with his buffalo mooing.
He took away my voice,
so I want you to end him.
- Kitty, we don't even have a g*n.
- Good, death by b*llet is too quick,
he must suffer as I have suffered.
It will not be easy.
He has m*rder*d thousands of travelers
who have dared crossed
him on the beast pass.
Oh, spooky.
- Okay, how badly do
we want these supplies?
- It's not a want, Elijah.
I'm addicted to poor rinds.
- Addicted?
- Yeah, it's actually a huge problem.
I've lost everything.
- Learn his weaknesses,
study his chips and then do to him
as he did to me.
- Kick him in the throat?
- No, but I love that idea.
- That's impossible.
- Do it.
Pledge your lives to making
him the first soprano buffalo,
and I will fully stock your supplies.
- Is that bacon?
- Oh, it's bacon, baby.
- How many bacon do you have?
- One bacon, two bacon,
three bacon.
- We just told him we'd k*ll a buffalo
that's like a thousand miles away.
But we don't actually
have to do that, do we?
- It's not the first time
I've lied for pork rinds.
Won't be the last either.
What?
- He did mention murdering
us and our families
if we didn't keep our promise.
- Well, good thing I
got no family to m*rder
on account of my pork rind addiction.
- Okay, you have to stop.
- I will not tolerate your
desire for physical touch.
- [Narrator] So with their
bellies full of bacon
and they're souls full of deceit,
the company forged ahead, while
Robert forged ahead, also,
in addition to, as well,
Robert as well, forged.
She was forging.
- Afternoon.
- Yes it is.
- What are you running for?
- Vengeance.
- Ah, never heard of that charity.
- Don't call me charity.
- Oh, I I didn't.
- Charity is a name
fathers give to daughters
they think will be weak.
- It's just.
- And beautiful,
skilled at making decorative piecrust.
- Word.
You want some tape? It'll
ward off those blisters.
- Much appreciated.
- That's why we do it.
Farewell Charity.
- I hope he chokes on a goop.
Oh, oh, he is, he is choking.
Oh no, he's okay.
- Just a really big snap rocket.
- [Narrator] November rolled along
and the company reached a mighty river.
(mandolin music)
(Captain humming)
- Ooh.
Such a swift and frigid current.
Could be quite lethal,
especially for our compromised party.
How electrifying, eh?
Does anyone know how to tell
if your boots have been water treated?
Get back to me.
(water flowing)
(mandolin music)
(vomiting)
- Elijah, I wonder if you might help me?
- You need help crossing the river?
- No, I should be able to manage fine,
but can you help Cora.
- Of course Aveline, I've got her.
You know, I could also
assist you if you need it.
I know you've been with
the hand cart, the whole.
(Cora retching)
- Do you need my help?
Her bones are sharp, but
also surprisingly dense.
- No, no, I've got her.
I got her.
Wanted it to be you.
- Oh.
(acoustic guitar music)
It's like I'm your
bride, but more perilous.
And my lack of eating isn't
to fit into a wedding dress.
- Why would you not eat
to fit into a dress?
- I don't make the rules, Elijah.
Oh,
thank you, thank you.
- Yeah, of course.
- We did it.
- We did.
Thank you.
All right, should we get going?
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, let me, let me
help you, Charlotte.
(water washing)
Okay.
- Such a nice young man.
You know, you remind
me of my late husband.
He sweated a lot less.
Don't forget my son, Joseph.
- Faster.
- Wait, no, we don't have to.
We don't have to go faster.
- I don't want to be here.
- What are you doing?
- Grandma!
- Stop!
Stop the cross.
- No!
Thanks, I guess.
- Please Elijah, we
could also use your help.
- When did you join our company?
- Please carry me.
I have a fear of small streams.
(man screaming)
- You ever seen a bird?
- I still don't care for you much.
- I'm sorry.
You're on your own.
- Here lies the one poor chap
that Elijah refused to carry
across the river today.
- Don't know why you had
to phrase it like that.
- In light of Elijah's callous act,
I think we could all use a pick me up.
Terrence, would you do the honors?
- Captain, I'd love to.
The journey is long
We're all so strong
If you believe you can do anything
You can be anyone
You can go anywhere
As long as you believe
Seriously, you can do anything.
What about you little lady?
What do you wanna do?
- I wanna finish this journey.
- Oh, well, do you believe you can?
- I know I can.
- Yeah!
That's a spirit.
You can do anything
You can be anyone
You can go anywhere
as long as you believe
What about you? What do you wanna do?
- Honestly, I'd love to vote.
- Oh.
That's...
That's a real good one.
It's a good one. It is the 1800s.
And I don't really think
that's the theme of the song,
but I, I, let's just circle back to it.
Yeah, let's circle back.
What about you? What do you wanna do?
- I'd like the full
mobility of my legs back.
- You know, polio Joe, I am so sorry.
I should've knew that was coming.
Never even should've
asked you that question.
- Do you call me Polio Joe?
- Is your surname not Joe?
- I would like to have six arms myself.
- What?
I think that doesn't make any sense.
- I wanna see a man go over a waterfall,
disappear into the mist,
his distant screams
evaporate into the air.
Crunch.
Did he die?
Yeah, definitely.
He had a strange relationship
with his loved ones.
No one mourns.
Not even the children.
They danced on his grave. Sorry, swam.
Occasionally.
- I think we should just
kind of wrap things up.
What do you say?
- I would like to fly.
- I'd like to live forever.
- I wanna wash a spoon,
and not have the water go everywhere.
- Don't be ridiculous, Julian.
- Well I personally feel like not everyone
is doing their part to
clean up around camp.
Why is everyone looking at me like that?
Are we not airing our grievances?
I just got here.
- No, we're just trying to
have a fun, uplifting song.
- I would like to bathe in pork rinds.
- So when are we gonna get this stuff?
- It's just a song.
I don't, can't give you this.
- What?
Okay, I think that's
enough fun for one night.
Thank you Terrence.
- I never saw,
- Sorry about this, everyone.
Very sorry. Let's get some rest, okay?
You proud of yourself Terrence?
(whistling)
- [Narrator] Terrence was not proud.
And as he cried himself to sleep,
he knew, as did they all,
that tensions were rising.
(whistling)
(person yelling)
- Morning Cora.
You look nice.
- Oh, thanks.
Should we get going?
- Cora, is that my dress?
- What? No.
- I own exactly three dresses
and that's one of them.
- No, I probably just got the same one.
- I sewed it.
- You're mistaken.
- Cora, you got blood all over it.
You gotta get blood on everything?
- Don't be so dramatic.
A little consumption never hurt no dress.
- Take it off.
- Make me.
- You know, I could.
- No.
- You're dumb.
- You're.
- Proving my point.
- You're just jealous my
bones are shaped like this.
- What are you talking about?
- You have normal bones
and mine are special.
I get to be special and
weird and diseased and dying,
and you get to live, and you're jealous.
I live on the edge all the time.
I'm better than you.
- Morning you two.
The company's about to leave.
I like your dress, Miss Cora.
- Oh.
- You really like this dress?
- Yeah, it's nice.
Stop.
- Two feet?
- Two feet.
Oh, I'm Cora.
I get everything handed to me
because my bowels are
made of tissue paper,
blah, blah, blah.
- It is maddening, isn't it?
Having something taken from you.
- Oh hello,
Robin?
- Don't play female with me.
- Did you just use the word female
as a replacement for dumb?
- You are much more male than I realized.
- What do you want?
- Oh, I'm not playing that game.
If my father taught me anything,
it's that asking directly
won't get you respect,
love, or momentary eye contact.
- Well, I don't want any trouble.
Do you want money?
- I want my half cent,
you thievin' enchantress.
- Half cent?
- Exact change.
- Okay, let me see what I have.
- Telegram.
- Oh, Angus.
How did we catch up to you so fast?
- Oh, you haven't caught up to me woman.
I been up to Canada,
down in Mexico and back.
- I admire your dedication,
but you sure seem crazy.
- That's why I do it.
- So people will call you crazy?
- That's why I do it.
- Why are you bleeding so much?
- That's why I would do it.
- Do you have hemophilia?
(Angus laughing)
- Woo! Morning, sir.
- Thank you.
- Woo.
- That boy's gonna die.
Oh, it's from my father.
- Your father respects
you enough to pay postage
to communicate with you?
- You've had a sad life, haven't you?
- That's it.
- Haste. Haste.
You must answer him at once.
- If you'll excuse me.
- Of course, I won't move from this place.
(acoustic guitar music)
- Mrs. Cora, Elijah's last name.
Just chill for one second.
Hey, I changed, you happy?
You okay?
- We need to get to Oregon, now.
- Hold on, the lid's not
on the chipper pot yet.
- [Narrator] With a newfound haste,
the band of misfits set off quicker
than a chicken in a wolf house,
toward the state of evergreen trees,
a k*ller art scene, and no sales tax.
(soft piano music)
- My mama made that cake with
our very last sugar and flour.
- Now Clarence, where it lies.
- I do know better. (laughing)
- You think we'll make it, Elijah?
There's more weight in the
Captain's hat than in his head.
- I have to believe he'll help us.
The man worked with Davy Crockett.
- You ever light your hand on fire?
- Okay. (screaming)
- That's not.
- Must have tuckered herself out today.
Have a seat.
- Oh, thank you.
(Cora snoring)
You sure take care of a lot
of people, don't you, Aveline?
- Even if they don't want it.
(Cora snorting)
It's fine.
(Cora gasping)
Are you okay?
Cora?
(Cora snorting)
- k*ll the neighbors.
Oh.
Aveline, I was having
the most wonderful dream.
- Are you okay?
Your snoring is, in a word, satanic.
- I was sleeping more
soundly than a sweet chicken,
in a wolf's loving embrace.
- That's not the expression.
- Whoa, everything all right here.
Some of the party members
heard the wales of a half-eaten bison,
might be wolves about.
- We're fine, thanks Terrence.
- Okay, good good. No need to panic, then.
Y'all just stay put like a sinful chicken
in a wolf's clothing.
Let me handle the rest.
(Aveline sighing)
- You should really let other
people help you out sometimes.
- No thanks.
It's just me, Cora, and my
kids, and I'm fine with that.
I don't wanna bring down the curse
on any unsuspecting folks, right?
(soft music)
- Maybe we should prop her up more?
- Lord, let me out.
Let me out.
- [Charlotte] Can't you keep her quiet?
I just fell asleep for the
first time in 20 years.
- That can't be true, Charlotte.
- [Charlotte] You calling me a liar?
- Yeah.
- [Charlotte] I will slap
you like a stone chicken
shaped like a wolf's behind.
- Ain't nobody ever heard
of the expression before.
- Where I grew up, we always said,
- I'm tuckered out as a dolled up chicken
at a wolf's bar mitzvah.
- [Narrator] And that's not it either.
- You know, Miss Aveline,
I don't believe in curses.
- [Cora] Lord, let me out.
Scatter.
(Cora mumbling)
- I swear on all the names
of my male ancestors,
I am collecting that
she devil's half cent.
Plus interest.
- [Narrator] Ah, morning on the trail.
Is there anything lovelier
than the fresh air,
the morning dew?
- A rattler!
- Stay still, Cora.
- Not to fear,
these boots are made of the toughest
satanic leather souls can buy.
- Oh Cora.
- Not to worry, just stunned is all.
- Oh, thank goodness.
You okay?
- Oh, I thought I was gonna die.
I mean, more than usual.
- This journey has been more
stressful than I imagined.
- Oh, I say,
this ordeal deserves some
R and R, don't you think?
I know it's been difficult,
but I really feel as though
the worst is-(screaming)
(acoustic guitar music)
- [Narrator] And so our
travelers stopped for a show
at the Donner Family Circus.
Howdy all, come one, come all
To the Donner Family Circus
We move around from town to town
We promise you it's worth it
No animals, we're cruelty-free
So please don't cause a riot
It's quite the feat, no flesh, no meat
And a strictly plant-based diet
- Why are they talking
about their diets so much.
At the Donner Family Circus,
it's certainly a thrill
You see a stance on animals
is do no harm nor k*ll
Unless you think a boring time
Is something you should fear
Every role a creature
fills, a human does it here
Let's meet them
I am the lion of this hip place
But I'm not trying to eat your face
- I hope not.
But if you cross me, don't
think you are blessed
I might go feral
And eat your flesh
- Ah no, I'm just
kidding. I'm just kidding.
Just kidding.
But what if we did it for real?
- Eric, can we not do this again?
- As a prank.
- Eric?
- As a prank.
- Keep going with the song.
I Am the Strong Man here
Building muscles for years
Through mud, blood, sweat, and tears
And finest whole wheat grains
Workout six times a week
Perfect from head to feet
Like Japanese Wagyu beef
I've got the swollen gains
- I'll translate.
Hey, it's me, I'm the
mime, don't mind me
I'm the mime, I won't scream
I'm the mime if you
find me, I'm the mime
(crowd moaning)
- [Terrence] Stop.
- I'm just so hungry right now.
- Did you eat your rations?
- Did you eat your rations?
Yes, I ate my rations, I'm so, oh.
- What happened?
- I built my tongue.
- Oh no.
- And you know what?
It's the best meal I've had in weeks.
- Eric, stop.
- Have you tasted anything like the blood
that's coming outta my tongue right now?
You probably should, it's pretty good.
- I heard it's a delicacy.
- You got anything to say?
- Yeah, bite him again.
- Goodnight everyone.
You'll get your refunds up front.
- We're gonna go to
intermission. (laughing)
Be sure to join us for our last two shows
before we head to California.
Thank you so much for coming.
Eric stop, this is
supposed to last all month.
- When the lion's hungry
the lion will eat.
And what is wrong with this apple?
- [Terrence] It's a potato. Eric.
- It was better in Florida.
It was much better, there
were six people then.
(acoustic guitar music)
- [Narrator] For the dwindling company,
the Rockies proved more
treacherous than a chicken
wearing the fishnet
stockings of a jaded wolf.
(acoustic guitar music)
- Aveline, can I tell you a secret?
- What is it?
- When we get to Oregon,
I'm gonna get married.
- What?
- Who asked you?
- Elijah, of course.
And he didn't so much ask me,
as say I needed someone
special to take care of me.
- Did he now?
- Or did he say I needed a specialist?
Either way, wedding bells are ringing.
(inspirational music)
(g*ns f*ring)
- Looks like we got ourselves
a couple of chickens and a wolf now.
- Ooh, most exciting.
- We meet again,
and this time I brought friends.
- We're actually a g*ng, not friends.
- It is really important
that we get that right.
- You won't get away,
you duplicitous Delilah.
- Want me to sh**t 'em?
- Just the tires.
- What's a tire?
- Fire away.
(g*ns f*ring)
- Cora, get down.
- You know I can't bend
over, I'll explode.
- Yeah!
(g*ns f*ring)
- Where's that coming from?
- Huh?
- Oh no, we've crossed into her territory.
- Who's.
- My grandma.
Johnny River, Senior.
- The Mulan of the West.
- Looks like we got a couple of chickens
in the pews of the wolf church.
(g*n f*ring)
(Johnny screaming)
(g*ns f*ring)
- Let's go.
Take as much as you can carry.
- Oh my (indistinct).
- Just leave it.
(g*ns f*ring)
- Willy, go fetch that traveling boy.
(g*ns f*ring)
(solemn instrumental music)
- I think we lost 'em.
- Where's Elijah?
- Elijah's gone?
- Wherever could he be?
And do you think maybe
he has my penny farthing?
- [Narrator] Elijah did not
have the penny farthing.
It was the dead of December
and he was tied up
somewhere in the Teto-oh,
I didn't realize we were
gonna put it on the screen.
(soft music)
- Let's get right down to it, Elijah.
Robert wants that money.
And if you don't tell me where it is,
you are in for a world of pain.
- Since when did you become the heavy?
- It's the quiet ones you should mind.
Now, the half cent.
- Half cent, I don't know
what you're talking about.
- You're a lot like my
wild horses, Elijah.
Just need to be broken.
(Elijah screaming)
- Come now. All this
unpleasantness can end.
Wow.
Did some air just secede from your union?
- Yes, it was me.
- Well it happens sometimes
when a person is ill.
- Mighty embarrassing.
Couldn't control it.
- Just means the t*rture's working.
It means it's working.
Good job, you.
It's just, Rocky Mountain
oysters, did you just do it again?
- I thought you were gonna brand me again.
- Yeah, well you were right.
(Elijah screaming)
What is wrong with you?
Pull yourself together.
- I'm sorry.
This is what happens when you abduct a man
who's been living on hard
tack for three months.
- I wish I could see it
so I could escape it.
- It's involuntary.
- Oh, well get ready,
'cause I'm pulling out
the biggest iron yet,
and ah, it's in my mouth.
Oh, the devil is real and he
lives in your digestive tract.
- Stop torturing me.
- Never, not until, did
you just do it again?
How is there anything left in your body?
- That one was on purpose.
- You incontinent genius.
(Elijah screaming)
(Willy screaming)
Stop it, please.
I'll do anything.
- You stop.
- I'm suffocating.
- I'm releasing.
- (laughing) I did it.
(solemn trumpet music)
- If you've come for the money,
see if you can stand the smell.
- Per my father's request,
at the onset of puberty,
I spent my entire adolescence
sleeping in the outhouse.
Smells don't scare me.
- She carries a coin
purse in her flower tin.
- Thank you.
- [Narrator] Idaho. Don't
worry, they won't be here long.
- Well, howdy do.
(tense music)
Gladiators.
- Hello sir.
Wait, have we met before?
- I'm sure I'd remember a pack
of wild stallions like y'all.
- No, you're right.
- No, no, no, no, no, oh.
There it goes.
- You, you duped me
into buying a hand cart,
and I only got one hand.
- And you look all the more rugged for it.
- What are you doing all the way out here?
- I had to leave Missouri
on account of some dissatisfied customers.
- Well, I'm afraid we'll have
to be continuing our journey.
- Huh.
You wanna see something neat?
- We got started pretty
late and so you know,
we gotta make up for some time.
- How neat?
- Neat enough to merit 20 strips of bacon.
- Well, I'm sorry.
I think we'll have to respectfully
decline.
- 10 strips.
- Deal.
- Captain, we need that food.
- Correction, we want food.
We need entertainment.
I get the suspicion that this
Idaho portion of the trail
is going to be very boring.
- That's real bacon.
Ladies and gentlemen,
hold onto your handsome hind quarters,
'cause I'm about to blow your bonnets off.
(mandolin music)
- What could be inside?
- That's somehow more
disappointing than I was expecting.
- Is it too late to get back our bacon?
- No.
- Now you listen here.
I'm sorry, I forgot your name.
- Delmar.
- You listen here, Delmar,
you give us back that bacon,
or I will personally
skin your hindquarters
and salt it myself.
- This is the original Idaho potato.
You mark my words, someday,
that's all this territory's
gonna be known for.
- I can get behind that.
- A potato is a potato.
- Disagree to disagree.
You can boil it, mash it,
stick it in your shoe.
- You can do that with any potato.
- Not if it's too big, or
your shoes are too small.
- Yeah, he's right.
- How about for a half a bag of flour,
I'll show you something golden?
- Deal.
- Oh, yes.
- I've got a good feeling about this one.
- I thought you said it
was something golden.
- Well, this is Yukon Gold.
It's worth more than any precious metal.
- I'm gonna go ahead and
call oxen scat on that one.
- I knew this man was untrustworthy.
- Good day, sir.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, whoa.
I promise you that this next
box does not contain a potato.
- Two pounds of salted pork.
- No, it's probably some sort
of trick like a sweet potato.
- Did you peek?
- We are leaving.
Thank you for wasting our time
and precious resources, Delmar.
- What?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stay, stay here with me.
We'll chop up this bacon,
sprinkle it on those potatoes,
and have the best weekend of our lives.
We'll call it a potato bar.
We'll have cheese, chives,
pork rinds.
- Pork rinds?
- Yeah.
- You're (indistinct) me, Delmar.
You take care of this bacon,
you take care of them potatoes,
and as sure as John Wilkes
Booth's career is gonna take off,
I will come back and we
will do that potato bar.
- He really is quite the talent, isn't he?
- Such a superstar.
- Yeah.
- I don't agree with his politics.
- Oh, no one does.
Now you get off.
Go on, get.
- [Narrator] And so in
the unforgiving West,
a land of mysterious spuds,
a mocking buffalo beast and cannibals,
the company pushed forward,
checking everywhere for signs of Elijah,
Oregon, or an abandoned pork rind.
- I feel terrible, Cora.
- Has it finally hit you?
I have been waiting to give you this
for just such an occasion.
Matching sets.
One of them's full.
- I'm just worried about
going on without Elijah.
- Oh, Elijah.
I mean, maybe those outlaws
left him in a ditch.
But why are you so sad?
I was the one who was gonna
marry him, and I feel fine.
- Ooh, I'm stuck.
I'm quite stuck.
- I'm coming, Captain.
Let me help you.
- Careful, careful, don't get too close.
(both straining)
- It's no use.
- You'll need to take off your boots.
- According to the devil's contract,
if I take them off, I'll die.
- I think you're gonna die, anyway.
- He looks a lot shorter
than he did a moment ago.
- Don't you quit on me, man.
- Quick, did something like
this happen with Davy Crockett?
- I have no idea.
- Didn't you accompany
him on his expeditions?
- Indeed, through the power of literature.
- Here, take my hat.
- Oh no, I couldn't.
- I want you to have it.
- It should sink with you.
- Just take the man's hat.
- Okay.
- Careful now.
- [Hank] You're not gonna bother.
- Ooh, last words.
Let me think, I've given
this a lot of thought,
but it's hard to think of something
spur of the moment, you know.
I think I'll just leave you
all with pomp the moose.
- Pomp the moose?
- What are we gonna do now?
- We're nothing without our Captain.
- We'll never survive the beast now.
- I forgot all about the beast.
- We need to keep going.
- I'm not going anywhere
without a guy in a fancy hat.
- I say we go back to the township
and hold out until spring.
- We can't go back, that'll take ages.
Cora can't survive two more tracks.
- Yeah, but Cora's kind of, eh, anyway.
- Point taken.
- Yeah?
And who's gonna lead us, you?
A cursed widow?
- I'm not cursed.
- Yeah, she just has a thing for weak men
who are about to die.
That's normal.
- Okay.
- I saw her eyein' you, Julian.
Weak.
- We need to keep going.
My children need me.
- Well, y'all are just gonna
have to make it on your own.
(sad instrumental music)
I was going to the bathroom.
- Oh my bad.
- Yeah, sorry.
- [Narrator] Aveline pressed
onward with Cora in tow,
thinking of her family, of Elijah,
and a goof on an old
timey children's hymn.
I got the dysentery down in my bowels
Where
Down in my bowels today
And if that chamber pot don't like it
It can see it on a tack
Ouch
Sit on a tack today
- Angus, what are you doing?
- I've hit the infamous runner's wall.
Can't go no further.
- I believe in you, Angus.
Come on, give us one of
your famous snot rockets.
I know solid, liquid, and gas,
but that's a fourth thing.
- Just leave me here.
- Now you listen here,
Angus, you're a runner.
You're gross, your
shorts are way too short.
You always boast about different
places you've defecated.
- Without stopping.
- You see?
- That's disgusting.
- I suppose I got a little left.
- Well, up you go, partner.
You got it buddy.
- I feel like Cora's
nose, 'cause I'm running.
(dramatic music)
May I?
- Oh, that was not far to go at all.
- The big baby.
- Oh, thank you, Angus.
Your weekly medicine runs
are saving our community.
- And that's why we do it.
- Angus, you angel.
Oh yeah, you lost it.
That's gross.
- Can you help me bury somebody?
- Yeah, okay.
- [Narrator] After digging a
grave in the frozen tundra,
Aveline sat to rest, but a
mighty wind began to blow,
and with it an old familiar voice.
- [Captain] Aveline.
Aveline?
- Captain?
- It worked.
I say this celestial
communication is quite astounding.
- What are you doing up there?
- Oh, I just came to give
you a buoy, you know,
stiff upper lip and all that and other.
- No, I mean in heaven.
Didn't you sell your soul to the devil?
- Oh well, it turns out
crossing your fingers
successfully negates
even a devil's bargain.
Boy, did he get the grumps.
- Aveline?
- Henry?
- Is that my dear wife?
- Oh, sh, shush. This is important.
Aveline, you mustn't give up.
- How can I go on?
The weather is crazy.
We have no supplies and we
don't even know where to go.
I can't help but thinking
this is my fault.
It's the curse.
- Aveline, let my newly omniscient
wisdom bring you comfort.
You are probably not cursed.
You just live in the 1800s.
- What do you mean?
- Everybody be dying.
- Everybody do be dying.
- You get it. Now take my hat.
- Captain, please stop
asking me to wear your hat.
- Just take it.
- Okay.
- [Captain] Made quite the liner.
- A map?
- [Captain] Apologies for the sweat marks,
and the little scalp flakies.
- Thank you.
- Can I please talk to my wife now?
- Sorry, I've used up all
the minutes for tonight.
Goodbye and tally ho!
(wind blowing)
(faint organ music)
- [Narrator] It is been a long December,
and there's reason to believe
that next year will be
better than the last.
(spiritual choral music)
- Cora, my babies are
just through that pass.
- So help God.
(spiritual choral music)
- Let's finish this.
(inspirational music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
No, no, no, no.
No.
Someone help me. Please.
(ominous orchestral music)
- You may be cursed Aveline,
but you ain't alone.
- Hank?
- Keep it in your bloomers, Aveline.
- Where'd y'all come from?
- I had the same question.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Elijah?
- This could all have been avoided
if you'd handed over the
money, you overgrown Aphrodite.
- You held a man hostage over a half cent?
Are you insane?
- I am a ma-
woman of honor.
I will have payment now
or you will not leave this pass alive.
(growling)
- What's that?
- The beast.
(ominous orchestral music)
It sold its soul to the devil.
(beast growling)
- She's beautiful.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- I will wait for you in heaven,
and I know that you'll wait
for me too, blood cough.
I love you, too.
I mean, maybe I do, seeing
as were about to die
seems like a nice thing to say.
Blood sneeze. (sneezing)
(beast roaring)
- Always thought it was the
anthr*x that would get me.
- That's a very avoidable death.
- So you think.
- This stump's still got
some fight in her yet.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Here it comes.
(g*n f*ring)
(dramatic orchestral and choral music)
(g*ns f*ring)
(dramatic orchestral and choral music)
(beast roaring)
(g*ns f*ring)
- Aveline, use your curse.
- What?
- Proclaim your love for the beast.
- Okay.
(beast roaring)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- I love you.
(beast roaring)
(dramatic orchestral and choral music)
- Fine sh*t, Clarence.
- Yes, you mark that one as a birdie.
- I'm going to mark it as an eagle.
- What did I say?
- A buffalo.
- A buffalo.
- It worked.
- I can't believe it.
- Bless your satanic self, it worked.
(g*ns f*ring)
(party cheering)
(g*ns f*ring)
(all cheering)
- What is this?
(dramatic orchestral music)
(g*ns f*ring)
- Mama.
(g*n f*ring)
Who is this?
- Oh, that's nobody.
- [Narrator] Aveline and
Cora made it to Oregon.
Cora confessed to Elijah
that her near buffalo death
made her want to live untethered
for the rest of her life,
which according to the doctor
would be a very long time.
She wrote the bestselling memoir,
"Girl, Wash Your Hands.
How I Sur-Thrived Through
a Year of Dysentery."
Aveline's daughter became a wealthy widow.
Robert, after regaining her
half cent plus interest,
was asked to be the new sheriff of Oregon,
seeing as how the old one d*ed
in a grizzly sh**t
with a humpback outlaw.
She would go on to become
the Chief of Police,
and eventually develop
a nationwide service
known as the IRS.
Captain Evander Lillian Quist,
rest his devil-duping soul,
was lauded as a hero, and
met his own hero in return,
the angel, Davy Crockett.
Angus founded his own
Oregon-based shoe company,
coining the slogan,
that's why we just do it.
This man d*ed in Nebraska.
You understand.
After a less than stellar family camp out,
the Donner family lion changed careers
and began work at a food factory,
never to go hungry again.
After saving everyone,
Chesterton and Clarence invested
in a potato-based theme park.
They lost everything.
As for Elijah and Aveline?
Well, they married,
even though Aveline made
sure never to tell him
she loved him, just to be safe.
They had nine children
making 11 total, until-
- Twins.
- The devil's number.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(both screaming)
(uptempo western music)
The journey is long
And we're all so strong
If you believe
(dramatic music)
Anything
Anyone
Anywhere
As long as you believe
(soft piano music)
Go West (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3