14x93 - The Church on Ruby Road

[bunniefuu]

[DOCTOR] Once upon a time,
late on Christmas Eve,

a stranger came
to the church on Ruby Road.

She carried in her arms
the most precious gift of all:

a newborn child.

A baby girl.

Just before midnight,

she left her daughter
on the steps of the church.

The child was taken in,

and they named her Ruby after
the place where she was found.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

As for the mother, she
was never seen again.

[TARDIS WHIRS]

No one ever knew her name

until that night a time
traveller came to call.

A traveller known as the Doctor.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

And that's how I got my name,
Ruby. Named after Ruby Road.

That's where I was found
almost 19 years ago.

[DAVINA MCCALL] So you're a foundling,

and you were fostered by Carla
who then went on to adopt you.

- Is that right?
- Yeah, and sh-she's amazing.

I mean, she's nuts, but... [CHUCKLES]

She's the best mum
I could ever have, yeah.

So life's been good, would you say?

Yeah, not bad. I mean, we've had
a mad time with it, haven't we?

And my A levels were not the best

'cause we had to leave Manchester
to move down here,

'cause we came and looked after me gran
and we couldn't afford care,

and she would never move to the North,
not in a million years.

So, yeah, that's been tricky.
And expensive. [CHUCKLES]

- No one would move to London.
- I know!

So, that's left me a bit stranded, um...

- I'm still waiting for my life to begin.
- [DISTANT CACKLING]

[SOUND TECHNICIAN] Sorry, can we stop?

Um, is there a radio or something?

[CACKLING CONTINUES]

Is there a door open?
I'm getting a noise.

What sort of noise?

It sounds like voices. Like a whisper.

- [RUBY] ... my A levels were not the best...
- [CACKLING]

... 'cause we had to leave Manchester...

It won't be long. [CLEARS THROAT]

You don't mind me using
the word foundling, do you?

It's just some people think
it's a bit old-fashioned and...

- Oh, n-no, no, that's fine. That's...
- Okay.

- I mean it's what I am. I was found.
- Mmm.

I was "foundled".

- I love that. [CHUCKLES]
- [GIGGLES] Yeah, foundled.

Seems to have gone. Sorry about that.

- [MACHINE BEEPS]
- Sound speed.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Okay, so let's pick it up.

So, Ruby, the reason
why we make this show

is to see if we can help you.

In the old days, foundlings
were left without a trace.

But now, we really can
work magic with DNA.

So, we've taken your sample,

and we're gonna use it to help
track your genetic heritage.

And we're hoping to be able to trace

your birth mother or birth father,

or someone in your family.

- But, Ruby, we can't work miracles.
- [FOOTSTEPS]

- And even if we do make contact...
- [CREATURE CACKLES]

... they might not want to be found.

And we have to respect that.

[CREATURE CACKLING]

- [DAVINA MCCALL] Can I ask you something?
- [RUBY] Yeah.

If we did find someone,
what are you hoping for?

[RUBY] Just the truth.

Look out!

[GASPS]

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

- I'm fine. It missed. I'm okay.
- [SIGHS]

- It missed. I'm fine. [CHUCKLES]
- That was lucky.

[CORD STRAINS]

[SCREAMS]

♪ Sleigh bells ring,
are you listening? ♪

♪ In the lane, snow is glistening ♪

♪ A beautiful sight
we're happy tonight ♪

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪

♪ Gone away is the bluebird
here to stay is a new bird ♪

♪ He sings a love song as we go along ♪

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪

- [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
- Ooh.

Sorry, everyone. Sorry. [CHUCKLES]

What's happened?

I don't know. I think it's just dead.

Give it some welly!

All right. I said sorry, okay?

Can you do "Gaudete"?

[SINGER] Can we do what?

[POP SONG PLAYING]

♪ Open my mouth to
breathe the words to you ♪

♪ But words just won't
come out, so I cried ♪

♪ It's just one touch to free me
from falling down on my own ♪

♪ From falling down on my own ♪

- [CREATURE CHUCKLES]
- ♪ Just one touch to open ♪

- [CHUCKLES]
- ♪ One touch to close ♪

♪ One touch to show me
not all minds are cold ♪

- [RUBY CHUCKLES]
- ♪ One touch to loosen ♪

- [LAUGHS]
- ♪ Loosen the hold ♪

Careful!

- Thank you. But you were just over there.
- ♪ One touch to free me ♪

Health and Safety,
gin and tonic division.

Can I ask, does that happen to
you a lot? Knocking things over?

Oh, all the time. But I'm...
I'm just clumsy. [CHUCKLES]

No, no, you're not.

It's worse than that.

♪ No shadow, darkness ♪

Merry Christmas.

- [SONG CONTINUES]
- ♪ I am falling no more ♪

♪ I never felt like this before ♪

♪ I never felt like this before ♪

Oh! Mmm.

[WIND WHISTLES]

- [CORDS STRAIN]
- [PEOPLE LAUGHING]

[SINGER] Honestly, Rubes,
it's like you've got a curse.

- I know! And then I lose that 20 quid!
- Taxi!

Honestly, it's like that
for the past three weeks,

bad luck has just been
following me around.

I lose that job. I burnt that thing.

I broke my heel, and then I fell over
in front of that thick dentist.

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- [FRIEND] You're jinxed, Ruby!

And then just to make it worse,
Bobby McGeever asked you out.

[EXCLAIMS] I am telling you.

There's a whirlwind of bad luck,
and who's in the centre of it? Me!

Oh. [LAUGHS]

- [SIGHS] It's stuck!
- You're kidding!

[ALL LAUGHING]

[RUBY] And then he said,
"Oh, don't sit there".

[ALL LAUGH]

[CABLE CLANGS, WHOOSHES]

[CREATURE CACKLING]

[CLATTERING]

[WIRES GROANING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[CREAKING]

[CLICKS, WHIRS]

- Well, yeah, you have to.
- [LAUGHING] I don't know.

- What are you gonna do?
- [ALL LAUGHING]

[CABLES SNAPPING]

No, no! Get back!

- Move! Go, go, go, go, go!
- [CREAKING]

[SHRIEKS]

You all right?

[PANTS] A pram at midnight.

[SNOWMAN CREAKING]

Really?

[CLICKS TONGUE] It's my shopping.

[SCOFFS]

Oh, my God. Sir, are
you all right? Are you...

- [CREATURE CHATTERING]
- [OFFICER PANTS] Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- I'm sorry. I was, uh...

Report... I'm gonna have to report this.

Okay.

- Name? The Doctor.
- Doctor. [MUTTERING]

Occupation: not a doctor.

Current status: just passing by.

Employer: myself.

Address: that blue box over there.

Now, if you don't mind,
I just got "snowmanned",

and I would like to go home.

Uh...

Uh, Doctor, what would that be?

Just the Doctor.

[THE SONIC PINGS]

- She's gonna say yes.
- Who is?

Your girlfriend, when you ask
her to marry you on Christmas Day.

How do you know that?

Because my sonic screwdriver
just went "ping".

- That's a screwdriver?
- [DOCTOR] Which is sonic.

And that precise ping is detecting

a two-carat diamond in your pocket.

Which says "engagement ring",
and I'm guessing that she's a she,

'cause 91% of men
wouldn't choose a diamond.

Plus, Christmas Day. It's obvious.

But how do you know she'll say yes?

'Cause the sales start on Tuesday,
and you just couldn't wait.

And that is why she loves you.

Merry Christmas.

[TARDIS WHIRRING]

She says yes.

She said yes!

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

[NEIGHBOUR 1] Well, it's not my fault.

Listen, sweetheart, I'm not
what you'd call decrepit.

I do my callisthenics.

I keep myself fit and able.
Thank you very much.

I did a fun run last Easter
in 25 minutes flat.

Blisters the size of apples
and I kept going.

But all the same, how
am I supposed to get

round that great, big
thing of a morning?

I hope you don't mean me.

Aw, merry Christmas, Rubes.

Have you seen what he's done,
putting that there?

[NEIGHBOUR 1] What makes
you think it was me?

Because you've never liked me.

I've seen you looking.

Isn't it your birthday, love?

Oh, it is, yeah. I was
a Christmas Eve baby.

- [NEIGHBOUR 2] Aw.
- So, what is that thing?

Police box.

I haven't seen one on the streets
of London for 50 years.

- [CREATURE CACKLING]
- And I don't want to see one now.

[LAUGHS] Well, season
of goodwill and all that.

'Ey, try not to k*ll each other.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh!

[GROANS, LAUGHS]

[HUMMING]

Hiya, Mum!

I got most of it except
I dropped the eggs

which is a really big problem because

the shops close for all of one day.

Guess what.

We're having a baby!

No way. You're kidding!

- Little girl. Isn't it brilliant!
- Seriously?

All of a rush, I couldn't say no.

What... Hold on. You mean now?

Today! Christmas Eve.

That's amazing! [STAMMERS] How old?

- Newborn!
- No. That's a coincidence.

- That's what I said.
- [RUBY] Wait...

Oh, my God, are we... are we even ready?

What did they say? What happened?

We're having a baby!

[CHUCKLES] That's Christmas ruined.

Sleepless nights and stinky nappies.

- Ruby, baby, make me a cup of tea. Yeah?
- Okay, hold on two ticks.

So what did they say?

She's coming round with the baby
right now. She's on her way.

It's been years since we
fostered one this young.

I can't remember how
to put this thing together.

'Ey, funny though. A baby
on Christmas Eve just like me.

I got lucky all those years ago.

If you ever find her, your other
mother, I'm gonna tell her

you were so small.

Hey.

Hey, come here. Come here.

[CARLA SNIFFLES]

I got lucky with my name. [CHUCKLES]

I bet this one's all Christmassy
like Noele or Eve.

- Or Holly.
- [RUBY LAUGHS]

Or Carol.

She's called Lulubelle.

- Oh.
- What a terrible name.

Oh, an absolutely terrible name.

Mmm, isn't it awful?

That's for the safe box.

Happy birthday. Carla said. What a day.

Oh, and I raided the provisions,
but the cupboard was bare.

So, it's a Section 20. We'd have
kept little Lulubelle on the ward,

but we haven't got the staff.

- What happened to the mum?
- Just can't cope.

And the family is too complicated
for words, but I'm hopeful.

I think she'll be with
you five or six days,

till we can see what's what.

Oh! You've been painting.

Making the place our own.
'Cause we're never gonna move her.

I am not going anywhere.
Shackle me to this bed.

And where is my cup of tea?

Merry Christmas, Cherry.

We should really get
you a ground floor flat.

Not moving. [SUCKS TEETH]

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, there, Lulubelle. You're
in with me. [CHUCKLES]

It's a terrible name.

We're all off until the 27th,
but maybe, as a rough plan,

you could bring her to the hospital
on Thursday, the 28th?

Maybe ten o'clock?

I'll text you. It's just for a meeting
with Mum, start bonding.

Yeah, we might have
to go shopping first.

These nappies are for six-month-old.

Ugh, I'm an idiot.

Shops are still open.

Hold on. I like to take a snap.

You still get film for those?

You wait long enough,
they're fashionable again.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Smile!

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

There you go. Welcome
to the family, Lulu.

Lulu sounds nice.

Okay, I won't be long.

And I can get some more
eggs. Anything else?

I'll go.

And I'll walk to Portobello Road
and have a proper shop.

I can do it.

No, but then I can
get something for Lulu.

Christmas and birthday.

You soft thing.

She might only be with us
for a couple of days.

I'm leaving you in charge.

Rule number one, don't lose the baby.

I'll try my best.

I'm off, Mum! I'll just be an hour.

Where is my blasted tea?

[CARLA] You let the last one go cold.

[SOCIAL WORKER] How much
are these flats underneath you?

What do they go for?

[CARLA] We're the last little
pocket of fixed rent up here.

That's why Mum won't move.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, shh. Don't wake the baby.

- Hello?
- [DAVINA MCCALL] Is that Ruby?

It's Davina. Davina McCall?

Oh, my God. [CHUCKLES]
Hi, um, merry Christmas.

It's nice to hear from you.

Look, it's not great timing.

And it's not good news, I'm afraid.

I-I-I'm so sorry.
I-I know it's your birthday,

but there is no trace
of your mum or dad.

I'm sorry. It happens sometimes.

No, that's fine.

Thanks. But, um, can you keep looking?

No, there's nothing more we can do.

If your parents aren't on
some kind of a database,

we can't find them.

Okay, um... But isn't
that unusual though?

There's not a single trace anywhere.

I mean, in the whole wide world

my mother's never left
a blood sample or anything?

I'm sorry.

Okay. Sorry, I get it.
I'm sorry. [CHUCKLES]

And it's really very kind of you
to let me know yourself. [SNIFFLES]

Look, there is something else
I'd like to ask you.

[SIGHS]

Ruby, have you been having
any bad luck recently?

What do you mean?

Bad luck. Ever since that
day, it's never stopped.

I've been hit. I've been thrown.
I've been bumped.

I fell off a boat on dry land.

[SCOFFS] I've been
in accidents, collisions.

I've even been trampled by a moose.

And I can't help thinking it all
comes back to when I met you.

I suppose, the funny
thing is I have been...

[CHUCKLES] ... having bad luck recently,

but I just... I just
keep dropping things.

- [DAVINA MCCALL] I knew it.
- But they're all accidents.

[DAVINA MCCALL] How do we stop them?

- I'm begging you.
- [CREATURE CACKLES]

Tell me how I can make it stop.

- [SAWING]
- I'm terrified.

Sooner or later there's going to be
an accident I can't avoid.

And next time, it might be...

[SCREAMS]

[CREATURE CACKLES ON PHONE]

Davina?

Hmm.

[SIGHS]

[CREATURE CACKLES,
MUTTERS ON BABY MONITOR]

[CREATURE CACKLES]

What the?

- [CLATTERING]
- [GASPS]

- [LULUBELLE CRYING ON BABY MONITOR]
- [CREATURE] Happy birthday.

[PANTS, GASPS]

Oh.

[STAMMERING]

[CREATURES LAUGHING]

[GASPS] Uh...

- [CREATURE CACKLING]
- [LULUBELLE CRYING]

[GRUNTING]

[CREATURE CACKLES]

- What the hell? What are you?
- [CREATURES CHATTERING]

[HISSES]

[STAMMERS, SCOFFS] Did you
just hiss at me? Was that a hiss?

'Cause let me tell you I'm not be...

[GASPS]

Oh, my God. I'm on the roof!

- [HISSES]
- No, no, no, no!

Give me back my baby!

[GROANS]

No, no, no, don't. Don't do that!

Okay. Mmm. [WHIMPERS]

[SQUEALS]

[DOCTOR] What the hell are you doing?

I'm just... This!

Well, what did you do that for?

Who sees a ladder and just hops on?

A ladder in the sky, and you thought,

"Yeah, I'll give that a go, babes".

They've got the baby!

[SHOUTS]

- [GRUNTS, LAUGHS]
- [SCREAMS]

What's your name?

Ruby. Ruby Sunday.

Hello, Ruby Sunday.

[LAUGHS] And it's a Sunday right now.
That's a coincidence.

[CHUCKLES] I'm the Doctor. Hi.

- I met you before.
- Yep.

There are creatures.

- Goblins.
- Goblins?

- They're Goblins.
- Okay. [CHUCKLES] I can't hold on.

Oh! Right, right, right.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait.

'Cause I, uh... I spend a lot
of time hanging off things,

- I, uh... I invented these.
- Gloves?

Intelligent gloves. One each
should work. Put it on.

'Cause I thought to myself, "What's
the problem with hanging on?"

It's all the friction and the weight

and the burns. So I...
I got rid of that.

Gloves are kind of
a super-kinetic transfer of mass.

- [GRUNTS]
- [GLOVES BEEP]

- Ah. That's better. [LAUGHS]
- [RUBY LAUGHS]

The glove takes all my weight.

All the weight is in the glove.

So nothing burns,
nothing pulls, nothing hurts.

[SINGSONGY] Ta-da.

I'm lightweight. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, all the mass and density
and mavity exists in the glove.

Not in you.

- Super gloves?
- Yeah.

They're pulling us in.

Where? What's up there?

Goblins.

Do you know why they call them Goblins?

'Cause they like to gobble you up.

And this lot wanna gobble up the baby.

And this is where they feast.

[LAUGHS]

The Goblin ship.

That's impossible. [CHUCKLES]

It's beautiful.

And what would they do to us?

Oh! Oh, they will eat us too.

[CHUCKLES]

- Hiya.
- [GROWLING, HISSING]

[GOBLINS CHATTERING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

I can't believe this.

I can't believe a single thing
that's happening. And...

[GRUNTS, SIGHS]

It's my birthday.

- It's your what now?
- [RUBY] Never mind me.

They're gonna eat Lulubelle.
What time's dinner?

No, but it's Lulubelle's birthday.

That is such a brilliant name.

I wish I was called
Lulubelle. [CHUCKLES]

And it's your birthday on the same day?

Yeah, but it doesn't mean anything.
It is just a coincidence.

Learn the language.

That's why they went after Lulubelle.

Coincidence is what
makes the baby tasty.

That's how these Goblins work.
Chance and coincidence and luck.

That's how I spotted you.

You've been having
lots of bad luck, yes?

Well... Yes, but that...
that started way back.

I mean... [SCOFFS]
... Lulu arrived today.

I started having accidents weeks ago.

That was paving the way.

These Goblins are time-riders.
They can surf the waves of time.

They spotted the chance of coincidence,

and they went back and wove you in.

W-Wait, so they caused my accidents?
Were they trying to k*ll me?

No. No, it's more like a...

If you walk through a day
without any bad luck,

that's fine. That day's nothing.

But if you have lots of accidents,
it stitches you in.

It weaves you into the day.

You become all complicated
and knotted and vivid.

All of it leading up to
a baby on Christmas Eve.

With the same birthday as yours.

With a bedroom that
is high up in the sky.

All the more convenient
for a Goblin ship. [LAUGHS]

Oh, it's like a tapestry. It's gorgeous.

How do you know all of this?

I don't. This is a brand-new science
for me, and I love it.

The language of luck.

'Cause what is a coincidence
but a form of accident?

Two things bumping
together unexpectedly.

Like you and me.

No, but who are you?

Why are you an expert
in time-travelling Goblins?

Oh! [SCOFFS]

They are not time travellers. Excuse me?

Time travellers are great.
Like the best. Like wow.

This lot just bimble.

So if they're bimbling...

[SIGHS] ... why did they
pick on Davina McCall?

Oh, that was just fun. [GRUNTS]

Wait, how did you do that?

[CHUCKLES] I spent a long,
hot summer with Harry Houdini.

Now then.

Ah. Ah.

- [SIGHS]
- There you go.

Right.

Let me see.

Door.

[RUBY] Hurry up. They're
going to eat the baby.

[GROANS] Wrong world.

- Why? What is that thing?
- Sonic screwdriver.

But a screwdriver needs screws.

These lot bind everything in knots.

Ah!

Okay. We've got to get out

because they could be eating
the baby any second now.

What time were you born?

I don't know. They kind of just guessed.
Uh, two o'clock. 2:00 p.m.

Right. So language,
tapestry, coincidence.

[KICKING ON DOOR]

That must be the time for the feast.
What... What time is it now?

[RUBY GRUNTS]

Five to 2:00.

[GOBLINS CACKLING, DISTANT]

[DOOR THUDDING]

[DOCTOR] We're circling
back to your flat.

The pattern is closing.
You better hurry up.

Yes, well, if you gave me a hand.

I am learning the vocabulary of rope.

This stuff is their version of
wires and electricity. So if we...

Trip the right switch.

[ROPES LOOSENING]

- Wait, what, you can speak rope?
- [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

You know, we can't exactly sneak around.

We're like giants in this place.

Oh, yeah? Well, I think that
even a leaky, old Goblin ship

has the equivalent of...

ventilation shafts.

[GOBLINS CHATTERING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[GONG SOUNDS]

I think that's the dinner gong.

[GOBLINS CHATTERING]

What's the time?

- Three minutes to.
- [ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Is that a band?

Wait.

[SCREECHES]

[GOBLINS VOCALISING]

Aah.

[RUBY] Lulubelle!

[SHOUTS]

♪ We got a baby we can feast ♪

♪ We can dine three days at least ♪

♪ Baby blood and baby bones
baby butter for the baby scones ♪

- ♪ That's "sconns" ♪
- ♪ Little baby feet, little baby toes ♪

Amazing.

No, it's not. What do we do?

Uh. Okay.

♪ Now into baby we will tuck ♪

♪ Eat the baby add some salt ♪

They're seasoning her.

♪ Now baby's salted she's a treat ♪

♪ Her destiny, it's time to meet ♪

♪ Baby we need baby we feed ♪

♪ Eat with our teeth better than beef ♪

♪ Baby so soft carried aloft ♪

♪ Big brown eyes ♪

Oh, no.

- What?
- I wonder whose ship this is.

♪ He's the Goblin King
yes, the Goblin King ♪

♪ He's not a myth,
he's an actual thing ♪

♪ Here's the King here's the King ♪

♪ Here's the King
here's the King Goblin ♪

Oh, my God.

What do I do? What do I do?

Leave her alone. Leave her alone!

♪ He can eat he can eat ♪

♪ 500 puppies with golden fur
orphan boys with jet-black hair ♪

[BOTH] ♪ Circus clowns
with a red balloon ♪

He can eat me. He makes me swoon.

♪ A banquet for a king on high ♪

♪ Oh, little baby ♪

- [GROWLS]
- ♪ Oh, little baby ♪

♪ Say goodbye ♪

Huh?

[MUSIC ENDS]

[PANTS]

[GROWLS]

Huh.

[GROWLING, HISSING]

Tough crowd.

- Mm-hmm.
- [SIGHS]

Curtsy.

Ah. I'm the Doctor and this
is my friend Ruby Sunday.

And I would just like to say...

Why stop singing?

Rock it, Janice!

[MUSIC STARTS]

[GOBLIN KING LAUGHS]

♪ 'Cause the Goblin King
oh, the Goblin King ♪

♪ It's so good to meet you
you great, big thing ♪

♪ I can see you're having a fun day
meet my friend ♪

♪ She's Ruby Sunday ♪

♪ It's good to meet you
good to greet you ♪

♪ Good to say how diddly-deet you ♪

♪ It's my birthday my, oh, my ♪

♪ I'm 50 miles up in the sky ♪

♪ But, Goblins, you can go to hell ♪

♪ 'Cause you're not eating Lulubelle ♪

♪ Me and Rubes we got just one hope ♪

♪ If I have understood that rope ♪

♪ 'Cause stuck up there
when things got hot ♪

♪ I think I found the Master Knot ♪

♪ The Master Knot has been undone ♪

♪ That's when we start having fun ♪

- Hold on tight.
- Wait, what are you do...

If you reverse intelligent
gloves, you get heavy.

[GOBLIN KING ROARS]

- [RUBY SCREAMING]
- [DOCTOR] Whoo!

How do we stop?

Love the glove, Ruby. Love the glove!

[BOTH LAUGHING, CHEERING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Well.

- Wow.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

[RUBY] I'm back.

[SHUSHES]

Hey. Sorry, I got distracted.

I've given up on that cuppa
and opted for a life of abstinence.

And who is this young fellow
when he's at home?

[LAUGHS] Hi. I'm the Doctor.

The last time I saw a doctor,

he tried to m*rder me. So you stay away.

[LAUGHS] Oh. Oh, you don't need me.

You've got your family
looking after you.

We three queens of the
sky up here in the attic.

- Ah. And your name is Cherry.
- It is.

Mmm, Cherry Sunday.

[CHUCKLES] Like a tasty treat.

Yes. I'll see you later, Cherry, okay?

[CHUCKLES, SQUEALS]

- [COOING]
- Glove?

Oh, yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]

Ah, yes.

[GLOVES BEEPING, POWERING DOWN]

[SIGHS] Only 3% left.

So, are we safe now? I mean,
can that ship come sailing down?

What do we do? Can they get us?

No, no, I don't think they'd inv*de.

Their world is up there, and
they creep into ours on the edges.

- Oh, whoa!
- [EXCLAIMS, SHUSHING]

[DOCTOR CHUCKLING]

Accidents. That is how they get us.

Do they cause all accidents?

Maybe they do.

Oh! Is there anything in the
kitchen? Anything burning?

- [STAMMERS] Doctor! Doctor!
- [LAUGHING] Lulu!

What do we do? Goblin-proof it?

[SIGHS] Ah, ah, ah.

Death trap. Check everything.
The, uh, the wiring and the plugs!

Who are they?

Oh. That's the family.
That's Mum's children.

Ah.

It's all the kids that she's
fostered over the years.

Wow. There's so many.

I know. She still keeps in touch
with some of them.

- Huh.
- Lots of them. She's amazing.

You have got the biggest
family in the world.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I have. [CHUCKLES]

What about you?

Uh, I've got no one.

Make sure the oven's off. Yeah?

You know, if you told me I'd be
spending my birthday fighting magic...

Well, it's not magic. It's a language.

It's a different form of physics.

Yes, like magic.

Don't leave the baby alone!

- Oh!
- [WHIMPERS]

[SHUSHES] She's all right.
She's all right. She's all right.

[SIGHS] Don't leave her.

Uh, you did too.

I know. But don't.

- Here comes Santa laden with presents!
- [DOCTOR, INDISTINCT]

Who's your friend?

This is the Doctor.

Hello.

There's nothing wrong, is there?
Is she all right, the baby?

- No, she's fine.
- Yeah.

[CARLA] Everything all right?

What did you do that for?

- That's my mum. When she comes in...
- [ARGUING, WHISPERING]

[SPEAKING PATOIS]

Can't get a cup of tea around
here for love nor money.

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

Get ya a packet of humbugs.
Like Scrooge.

- [CHUCKLES]
- 'Tis the season.

[INDISTINCT ARGUING CONTINUES]

So why do we need a doctor?

It's just a routine visit, that's all.

[CARLA] Oh. Aw. Let me see.
Poor little blossom.

This is my mum, Carla.

Aw, look at her. Little chicken.

Hello, Lulubelle.

So she's been okay?

- Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

What's this?

What's that supposed to be?
Is that an eye?

- No.
- It's a toy. It's the eye of a toy.

She's too young for toys. [STAMMERS]

Where'd you get a toy from anyway?

Oh, my God. [CHUCKLES]
Mum, can we just...

[SIGHS] Can we just stop for a minute?

Because I... [CHUCKLES] I...
I've had enough.

This has been the worst day ever

and it's Christmas,
and it's my birthday,

and it's just been a disaster.

No, but, uh... [STAMMERS]

Look, there was a problem,
but it's gone now.

No point worrying your mum.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just, um...

What I mean is...

They phoned. [SIGHS]

From the TV show.

It was when you were out this morning.

And they didn't find anything.

Just...

No mum. No dad. No brothers
or sisters. No cousins.

Just, just... [INHALES SHARPLY]

Nothing.

Aw, sweetheart.
I'm sorry, darling. Come here.

- No, I'm all right. I'm... I'm... [SIGHS]
- Come here. [GROANS]

I'm glad they didn't find her.
Do you hear me? Glad.

'Cause I don't know if I could make
room. 'Cause you're all mine.

- [CHUCKLES]
- That's what you are.

- Hmm.
- Isn't she gorgeous?

Yes. Yes, she is.

I was counting when I was out.

Lulubelle is the 33rd
child I've fostered.

- [GASPS] Oh, my God.
- I've got photos.

Have a look on the fridge.
They're all there.

I had some of them for days.
Some for weeks. Some for years.

But only one of them stayed.

And you made my life.
You absolutely made my life.

You can wonder about your parents.

But I wonder who I'd be without you.

I'm adopted.

Are you?

[GASPS]

Yeah. Yeah, I, uh...
I only found out recently.

That's a coincidence.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, don't be saying that.

- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
- So, do you know who your parents are?

No, no. I was, uh... I was abandoned.

Oh, you're a foundling just like Ruby.

[CHUCKLES] An even bigger coincidence.

[RUBY] Oh. Maybe we'd better
not talk about coincidence, okay?

Do you wanna just put that down?

I'll... I'll take that
for you. All right.

I took a photo of little lady Lu
when she arrived.

Look at her though. She's so gorgeous.

Don't you just wanna eat her up?

- Oh! Oh, and that's a coincidence.
- [RUBY] Mmm.

[THUNDERCLAP]

What the hell?

Oh, no. Don't move, don't move.
Don't move.

Mum, don't move!

[BUILDING GROANING]

[WIND HOWLING]

[DOCTOR] They're gone. Parting gift.

[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
Lucky at last. Yes. Okay.

I think that was them saying goodbye.

[PANTS] Cherry, all good?

One cup of tea, massi Lawd. Just one.

[LAUGHS] Thank you, Cherry. Thank you.

All good, Lulubelle?
[SIGHS] Such a good name.

[LULUBELLE COOS]

[CARLA] But... What the hell was that?

Look at the ceiling!

And the window! I'm gonna freeze.

Who's gonna fix that on Christmas Eve?

Buh-bye. Ta-ra.

Who you talking to?

No one. Nothing. Just, um...

Ah! Absolutely nothing. Yeah.

The whole flat just cracked in half.

Now tell me, what
the hell just happened?

Uh, maybe we should sit you down

and tell you a Christmas story, eh?

What do you think, Ruby? [SIGHS]

Ruby?

[WIND WHISTLING]

Where did she go?

Ruby?

Ruby, are you there?

Sorry, sorry, but w... Where's she gone?

What're you on about?

I'm looking for your daughter.

Don't be daft. Lulu's not my daughter.

I'm fostering her just
for a couple of days.

No. No, no. I mean... I mean
your daughter, Ruby.

Who's Ruby?

Your daughter.

I told you. This is Lulu.

And she's a right old
pain on Christmas Eve.

- Last thing I need.
- But...

What do you want in the spare room?

[PANTING]

Cherry. Do you remember Ruby?

What you talking about?

No... Your granddaughter is called Ruby.

There is no pickney inna dis home.

We were never so blessed.

[BUILDING CREAKING]

You had another child named Ruby.

I've never had children, mate.

No, you adopted her.

I foster. Now don't be so stupid.

I'm a foster mother. I just
do it now and then, that's all.

I've had about five or six kids.

No. No, no, no, you had...

- They've gone.
- Who has?

Your children.

All those lives.

You fostered 33.

How many? Not me, darling.

Don't be so stupid. That's
too much like hard work.

No way. I just put my name on the list
when I need a bit of money.

No, you don't.



Don't say that.

I think you got me mixed up
with someone else.

'Cause there is no Ruby.

There's just me stuck with my
old mum up here in the attic.

And I'm busy.

I couldn't have a kid full-time.
It'd be a nightmare.

This little brat arrives
ruining my holiday.

I was looking forward to it.

Christmas Day, Mum's asleep by 3:00,
and I'll be all on my own.

Why would I want a daughter
when I'm happy as I am?

Then why are you crying?

I don't know.

Why are you?

[SCOFFS, SNIFFLES]

They took the baby. They went back.

They took the baby, the other baby.

They went back in time and
took Ruby instead of Lulubelle.

They cracked the timeline,
but I will fix this.

I will fix this.

[TARDIS WHIRRING]

[GOBLIN CACKLING]

[BABY CRYING]

[GOBLINS CHATTERING]

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLING] Baby.

[GRUNTS]

[GOBLINS CHANTING] Oh, now we feast!

Oh, eat the beast! Oh, now we feast!

Oh, eat the beast! Oh, now we feast!

Oh, eat the beast! Oh, now we feast!

- Oh, eat the beast!
- [GRUNTS]

[GLOVE WHIRRING]

[GRUNTS]

- [DOCTOR STRAINING] Down! Down!
- [GLOVES BEEPING]

[GRUNTS]

- Oh, now we feast! Oh, eat the beast!
- [BABY CRYING]

[GOBLINS] Oh, now we
feast! Oh, eat the beast!

[DOCTOR] Down! Down! [GRUNTS]

[STRAINS]

Oh, now we feast! Oh, eat the beast!

- [GOBLIN KING GROWLING]
- Oh, now we feast!

[GRUNTING, STRAINING]

[SHOUTING]

[GOBLINS] Oh, now we
feast! Oh, eat the beast!

Oh.

[ROARING]

[CRYING]

[THUNDERCLAP]

[SCREAMS]

[GOBLINS SHOUTING]

[BABY CRYING]

[GRUNTS, PANTS]

[DOCTOR] Ruby.

It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.

Ah. Ah. It's okay, Ruby.

Happy birthday, Ruby.

[SHUSHES]

[CLOCK CHIMING]

[DOOR CREAKING]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[TARDIS WHIRRING]

[MOUTHING] Hi.

- [THE SONIC BEEPS]
- [LATCH OPENING]

[BEEPING]

Oh. Yes.

[LAUGHS]

Oh! There you are!

What? What did I do?
What did you do? [SCREAMS]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh! Happy birthday.

[LAUGHS] What happened?

I turned around and you were
gone. You were sort of...

I don't know. 'Cause I was
here, but I got a bit lost.

- [STUTTERS] What happened?
- Whoo!

Lots of things. 'Cause they went back.

You were gone. They took you as
a baby. So I went back, and then...

I forgot something.

- No.
- Yes. [LAUGHS]

Just...

[TARDIS WHIRRING]

... and next time,
it might be... [GASPS]

[DOCTOR] Ta-da!

[GASPS]

You saved my life.

Merry Christmas, Davina McCall.

[SIGHS]

[WHISTLES]

Busy man, sweetheart.
You and your box of tricks.

You look like you've lost a pound
and found a sixpence.

What's wrong?

[DOCTOR] Just wondering.

Maybe I'm the bad luck.

Hallelujah, praise the Lord. I thought
this day would never come.

A tea reach at last.

[CARLA] And don't forget.
Two yellow pills at five o'clock.

But you're the least of my problems.

What do we do tonight?

This cr*ck, it's like a wind tunnel.

What are we supposed to do on
Christmas Day? Sit here and freeze?

And who is he anyway, that man?

What's his name? Doctor what?

What did he mean he went back?

What sort of doctor? Did he say?

Who the hell is he?

Better go.

Merry Christmas.

Who are you anyway?

No one. Just passing by.

Well, you take care.

[CARLA] Where did he come from?

Why was he even here in the first place?

Uh... I don't know. He sort of
popped up at the right moment.

And then he was gone.

Like now.

[LAUGHS]

It's all been so mad I haven't actually
had time to stop and think.

He said I was taken as a baby.
Isn't that what he said just now?

I don't know. He's crazy.

[STAMMERING] He went back.

He said he went back. What
did he mean he went back?

What... When was Houdini?

- What?
- When was Houdini?

Houdini was like 1900s? 1920s?

How could he...

And then he spoke about
time travellers. And then he...

Ooh! [LAUGHS]

[CARLA] Where you going now?

Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?

[RUBY] Mrs. Flood, d-did you see?

There was a man, and
he was about so high,

and amazing in a big leather coat.

What do you mean?

[GASPS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CHUCKLES] Wh... Wha...

Oh.

Good luck, Ruby.

[CHUCKLES]

Who are you? [CHUCKLES]

I'm the Doctor.

[TARDIS WHIRRING]

Mrs. Flood, did you see that?

Mrs. Flood, did you see?

The box thing. It just vanished.

It was there. And then it wasn't.

It just disappeared.

Oh, merry Christmas, Abdul.

Stop making such a fuss.

Never seen a TARDIS before?

[THEME SONG PLAYING]