Female Animal, The (1958)

[bunniefuu]

Miss Windsor,
they're ready for you on the set.

All right, let's try a rehearsal.

- Al.
- Hm?

No rehearsal.

Just... just sh**t it.

All right, take the crane away.

Now quiet, everyone, please, quiet.

Let's have the water!

And the wind machine.

All right, roll 'em.

Action'.

Cut, cut, cut!

Darling, I kiss your hand.

Just wonderful, simply magnificent.

Now we do it again, eh?

This time, a little more magnificent, yah?

Again? Do what again?

I'm just standing here
with egg on my face.

- My love, what can we do? It's history.
- So it's history.

But I need a few lines,
something to stretch it a bit.

Darling, you have already stretched history
so far in this picture,

one more tug and it will snap
like a rubber band.

Everybody ready?

Mischa, if I have to do this once more,

- I'll have you deported back to Siberia.
- Helsinki, my darling, Helsinki.

Remember, basically, I'm a Finn.

Okay. Go to Helsinki.

I'm going to lunch.

Ha'.

Lunch'.

Oh, Dr. John, thank goodness.

- Did you bring the throat spray?
- Yes I did, Vanessa
.

Screamed all day yesterday...
Hanged, you know?

Took everything out of me.

Ahem.

- Yes, Miss Helm?
- Your daughter called,

the housekeeper called,

Miss Parsons wants to know
who your escort will be at the premiere.

I wish to heck I knew.

And the Society for the Preservation
of National Monuments

wants to use your photograph.

What? What do they think I am, Mount Rushmore?

Certainly not
.

Mischa'.

Will you order lunch, please?

I better make peace.

Mischa'.

Tie it off!

- You all right, fella?
- Yeah.

Miss Windsor, are you hurt?

No, I don't think so.

Come on, you better let me have a look at you.

What about you, fella,
you gonna be all right?

- What's happened?
- Nothing, nothing's happened.

But you might have blood poisoning.

You'd better have that looked at.

What's your name?

- It's okay, I'm all right
...
- His name's Chris Farley.

Go on with him,
don't be so dumb'.

Sure, maybe you'll get
a couple of lines out of it.

Come on. We'll get it fixed up.

Would you clear the dressing room, please?

I'll call the production office.

Doctor?

Can you look at the young man,

or do you want him to go
to the dispensary?

Vanessa?

- Of course.
- Bring him in.

Mr. Farley.

This is Chris Farley, Miss Windsor.

Hello.

Well, thank you for helping me.

I thought... well, I'm sorry.

I know. I hope you weren't hurt.

No, just a little shaken, that's all.

Miss Windsor, if you're not too upset,
I was thinking, uh...

No, I'm all right.

What... what were you thinking?

We might be able to get some
good news breaks on this story.

Maybe even make the afternoon deadlines.

Now, I could get a photographer in here, and...

Oh, pictures, of course.

What did you say your name was?

Chris. Chris Farley.

Well, um, I don't mind.

That is, if, um, Chris doesn't mind.

Well, I never!

Mabel! Mabel, look at these headlines.

"Vanessa Windsor saved from death by extra."

"Windsor in near-fatal accident."

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Hello?

Who? Farley?

Oh, Chris Farley
.

Who's calling?
We only take business calls here, lady.

Miss Windsor?

Well, he's not home yet, Miss Windsor, he...

Vanessa Windsor?

Oh'. I was just reading about you in the paper.

Oh, it's so exciting'.

Just imagine talking to you on the phone.

You wouldn't remember, Miss Windsor,
but I had a line with you once

in Perils of Peggy.

Yes.

Mabel'.

I'm talking to Vanessa Windsor!

Wait a minute, Miss Windsor,
maybe that's him now.

I just heard a car... hold on.

So long, Jerry, thanks'.

He just drove up, Miss Windsor.
I'll get him for you.

Yoo-hoo, Chris!

Vanessa Windsor on the phone for you.

Have you seen the paper?

You're all over it, the two of you.

Um... hello?

Hello. This is Vanessa Windsor.

- Remember me?
- Well, sure I... I, uh...

How's your arm?

Oh, fine. Good as new.

New enough to take me out tomorrow night?

Uh, beg pardon?

There's a big charity premiere,

and since I have no escort,
I thought you might be free?

You know, if you rescue me once more,
I'll be in your debt for life.

Well, gee, I'd sure like to, Miss Windsor,

but it's sort of a dress-up affair, isn't it?

Uh-huh. Oh!

- What?
- Nothing. I'm just having a massage.

- It's just black tie.
- Yeah, well, um...

you see, I don't have a dinner jacket.

Studio'll take care of it,
it's all publicity.

Just come on the lot in the morning
and ask for Manny in the wardrobe, huh?

Anything you say.

Well, I'm looking forward to it.

Bye'.

What'd she say?

She... she wants me to go with her
to the premiere tomorrow night.

A premiere?

With Vanessa Windsor?

Mabel! Did you hear that?

Yep.

He'd make a good masseur, that boy.

Muscles.

That's what you need in this business.

Shoulders... and muscles.

Mr. Johnson's car.

Miss Vanessa Windsor's car.

Miss Windsor, please sign this.

- Oh, thank you.
- Miss Windsor, please, please?

Jeannie! Jeannie, I got it'.

Please, Miss Windsor,
sign this, please'.

No, I'm sorry, that's all.

If I sign any more,
I'll be here all night.

- Oh, just one more?
- Oh, just one, please?

Will you go now?

Like it?

It was, uh, confusing.

Oh?

- The picture or the evening?
- The evening.

Does anyone ever look at the picture?

Sometimes. Not often.

- Too busy looking at each other.
- Yeah.

I for one was looking at you.

Me? Why?

Well, you look very handsome
in your dinner jacket.

Do you have to go home or something?

Is someone waiting for you?

No, no.

Well, that's wonderful.

We'll drive to the beach,
I know a lovely little place there.

Barnes, would you stop at the Bel Air Hotel
and take a cab home?

Yes, ma'am.

You don't mind driving, do you?

- It'll be so much nicer.
- No, of course not.

- Help me undress.
- What?

Diamonds may be a girl's best friend,

but they get heavy as lead
after a couple of hours.

Hey, it looks like it's closed.

It is. But, uh, I know the manager.

What is it, a private club?

Oh yes, it's private and... very exclusive.

Hm.

Oh... watch your step.

- Whew!
- Welcome to Windsor Castle.

To where?

My own private little club.
How do you like it?

It's really something.

Well, it's... it's small but my own.

- Members only, of course.
- Of course.

How does, uh,
how does one get elected to the club?

Well, uh... you've been elected.

Oh. Well, uh, is there an initiation ceremony?

Yes. But later, hm?

What will you have to drink?

Oh, I had something great the other day,
a French 75.

Well, that's wonderful.
What do you need?

Brandy, champagne, little gin.

- Oh! You'll make it, huh?
- Okay.

Aquavit, champagne, gin, brandy.

Does this, uh, really work?

Naturally.

Anything else?

We'll have, uh, French 75s
and we'll have music...

and, uh, we'll have fire, huh?

Indispensable ingredients
when you're dreaming of something wonderful.

It's kind of silly to have a fire
on such a warm night,

but, uh, it'll be nice
when we come back from our swim.

Isn't it, um, a little late for that kind of thing?

Yeah.

But the water's divine.

Very bracing
.

You can change in there.

You'll... you'll find everything you need.

?
Right now

Why not?

I had such a hard time
getting these things in,

I don't know whether I can get them out.

- Starch?
- Yeah.

Pull me.

It's quite simple, you see?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are we... beginning the initiation?

Not... not quite.

Here.

- Isn't it funny?
- What's funny?

You cross hundreds of soundstages
thousands of times,

and all of a sudden, you cross
one particular one one particular moment

and you meet a stranger,

and your whole life changes.

- Your phone's ringing.
- Oh, it's just the seagulls.

That one must be in the front room.

They're very friendly.

They go everywhere.

Maybe this isn't one of the friendly ones, huh?

All right, so you're not romantic!

Hello?

Miss Windsor, this is Hilda at the house.

Oh yes Hello, Hilda
..

I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour,

but I've been trying to find you all over town.

- You have?
- It's Miss Penny.

Penny? What's the matter with Penny?

Well, I don't know.

I called the doctor's service
but he hasn't called back.

- I'll be there right away.
- Yes, madam.

What's the matter?

It's, um... it's my daughter, she's ill.

I have to go home right away.

I'll get dressed.

I'm sorry I spoiled your evening.

What do you mean,
spoiled my evening?

This has been the most wonderful evening
I've ever had.

Can you... can you get me to Bel Air in a hurry?

Faster than that.

Oh no, you keep the car.

Bring it back tomorrow.
We'll... we'll have lunch.

Oh, well I can take a cab.

At this time of night?

Silly.

Besides, I want an excuse
to see you again.

Oh, Miss Windsor.

- Is the doctor here?
- Not yet, madam.

Oh Well how is she
., ?

She won't let me do a thing for her.

She didn't want me to call the doctor.

I just heard her being sick
about 25 minutes ago.

Oh. Well...

Penny.

Penny?

Leave me alone.

It's all right, Hilda,
we won't need a doctor.

Just coffee, hot coffee.

- Hot coffee?
- Yes. She's not going to die.

She just thinks she is.

She's drunk.

You went out tonight.

I went out tonight.

I've told you before:

If you must drink,
don't make a spectacle of yourself.

Spectacle?

Who are you to tell me what to do?

Your mother.

And responsible for you.

- Oh, that's a laugh.
- I don't find it very amusing.

My mother.

What did you ever do
to earn that title,

except pay a few bills?

Don't you ever say that again.

You only adopted me to fill out the cast.

Everybody in Hollywood knows that
.

Even me.

"Vanessa Windsor,
the perfect star...

"becomes a perfect mother," ugh.

Well, I'm tired of giving a performance,
you understand that?

I don't care how tired you are.

You're not going to be this tired again.

As long as you're in this house,
you're going to behave like a lady

and not like some little tramp.

Tramp?

Oh, you're full of funnies tonight.

Tramp, from you?

The great lady, the great star,

who's rolled in every gutter and...

No, I didn't mean that.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I just wanted you to have
the chance in life I never had.

I had to do it the hard way.

What makes you think
being your daughter's the easy way?

Oh, go away, leave me alone.

Hey! I know you.

You're on TV.

Hasn't your mother taught you
not to say that naughty word?

- Huh?
- Well, here's a quarter.

Before you spend it on wild living,

can you tell me where Mr. Farley lives?

Oh, Chris. Right here.

Hey, Chris there's a dame to see ya'
,.

- Hey... "lady."
- Lady.

Now, I can do this myself, so scoot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, wait a minute.

Good morning.

Good morning'
.

I decided I couldn't wait to see you, so...
I didn't.

Would I compromise you
if I come in?

No, of course not, come on in.

I'm sorry the place is in such a mess, but...

well, I didn't expect company.

I wouldn't have liked to have seen any.

Gimme a minute to clean up, huh?

Sure.

You know, it's incredible.

I used to live in a place just like this.

You?

Yeah... that is, when I could afford the rent.

- I don't believe it.
- It's true.

Bungalow courts to Beverly Hills to Bel Air.

That, uh, place of yours at the beach,
that's the greatest.

Oh. I'm glad you like it.

Chris, would you... would you like to live there?

Damn!

Is that an answer or an opinion?

Neither... I just nicked myself.

Oh.

I mean, you see, I have nobody
to take care of it now.

The last caretaker drank,

and the one before was drafted, and...

so I thought maybe you'd like the job.

The pay isn't much,
but there would be no rent,

and you do like the beach, don't you?

Sure, but...

But what?

Oh, well, you'll get time off
if you get a call from the studio.

I couldn't do that.

Why not?

- Well, you know why not.
- Why, no, I don't.

But I mean, I... I've never...

I don't know how I'd do.

Oh. You'll do fine.

Just fine.

- Hey, Chris
.
- Hank'.

I been turning this town inside out
trying to find you.

Where you been keeping yourself?

Or is somebody keeping you?

Uh, Maloney, another beer here, huh?

I finally got your phone number
from that old bag where you used to live.

Now, there's a character.

Irma? Yeah, she sure is.

- What's the big emergency?
- Emergency? Opportunity.

I got a deal for you, buddy, a picture.

- A picture for me?
- Yeah. You ever been to Mexico?

- Well, no.
- Great.

Tortilla, tequilas, and the turistas,
you'll love it.

Who's producing this little epic?

Old Hank Galvez.

Yeah, I got a little independent deal down there.

'Course, I'm still short a few bucks,
but I'll get 'em.

And you're gonna play the lead, muchacho.

Lead? I never even had the lead
in a high school play.

Who are you kidding?

Chris, I've got faith in you,
you know that.

Besides, you come cheap.

Look, it's an exploitation picture, see?

The big sequence is a fight to the death
between you and a giant man-eating orchid.

There won't be a florist in this country
that won't carry a big, blow-up picture

of you, the dame,
with your clothes half torn off

in orchids up to your navel.

Yeah. Well, there's gotta be a catch.
What is it?

Amigo
.

All you gotta do is cooperate a few weeks
till we get the film in the can and sell it.

Oh yeah, no salary, hm?

Well, eating money.

But what's dough compared to
the opportunity of a lifetime?

Look. Read the script.

Practically no dialogue at all,
sort of a Robinson Crusoe-type thing.

I've gotta go on location till Saturday,
and when I get back,

- we'll get together, all right?
- Okay.

Stick with me, buddy,
and you'll wear diamonds...

it says here, anyway.

- So long, Hank.
- See ya later, Chris.

Yes, sir.

A bourbon and water.
And a screwdriver
.

Oh, uh, throw a couple of sh*ts
of vodka in it, huh?

I'm sorry, sir, but the young lady
can't have any screwdriver

or any double-sh*t of vodka.

Why not?

Because I don't allow people
to get drunk in my place,

particularly young girls.

Look, brother, when I come into a bar
and order a drink
,

I expect to get it.

Yes, sir, and you're gonna get it.

- All right.
- But not the young lady, she's had enough.

That's a good way for a saloonkeeper
to lose his license.

Okay, okay, forget the bourbon, then.

Just gimme the screwdriver.

Oh, no, no, you're a bourbon drinker,
you've had three already.

You wouldn't wanna switch to vodka,
it wouldn't be good for ya.

Well, don't gimme that stuff, grandpa.

There's a lot of places I can be served, you know.

Yes, sir.

And you go to them places.

But you don't get no double screwdriver here.

Okay, kid, come on, we're leaving.

- But I like it here, Piggy.
- I know a better place, come on.

All right
.

Checkin' out?

Yeah, you know, early to bed.

I never heard a greater fallacy in my life.

You know that I'm the wisest man in the world

and I never got to bed before 4:30 a.m.
in 35 years.

Goodnight Maloney
,.

Goodnight, young fella.

- Hey, Maloney.
- Yes, sir
.

Get your hands off me, Piggy!

I'm not gonna hit it with you ever.'

Get that into your little pointed head.

Now, honey, you don't really mean that.

I'm not going to go with you.

Let me alone!

You see? If you'da stayed in the car,
this wouldn't have happened.

Look what you've done to me!

Take your paws off me,
I can get up by myself.

Enough of this nonsense,

you're getting back into the car right now.

Hey, can you help me with this character?

Stay outta this.

- This is none of your business, chum.
- Look at my shoes and everything!

- Let's go.
- I'm not going with you'.

Now, look, wait a minute.

Go on, hit him'.

Look what he's done to my dress.

- It's all a mess, and my shoes...
- Hey, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm just fine.
Look out behind you!

Good.

That's just where you should be.

That's a pretty good left you got there.

Sorry I had to do that, but...

Oh, don't worry your heart about Piggy.

He's been unconscious for years

and he'll never know the difference.

Say, um... how much of a Galahad
are you prepared to be tonight?

How much of a Galahad
are you looking for?

Oh... one with a car maybe,
or a convenient washroom.

I'm all dirty and I can't go home like this.

Yeah, well, I...

Well, don't strain your hospitality.

What I meant is,
I don't have a car here, but I...

I do live down the road about 100 yards,
you think you can walk it?

Listen.

To get away from that octopus,
I could walk from here to Philadelphia and back.

Maybe even farther.

Shall we go?

Oh yes.

One more thing.

I don't exactly fancy stepping
from the frying pan into the fire,

if you know what I mean.

So if you have any ideas, I...

Honey, I don't have any ideas at all, okay?

Okay.

That wasn't very nice of me, I'm sorry.

But this has just been one of those days.

Decisions, decision, decisions.

Oh.

Shall we go?

There you go.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.

Well!

Well, this is very nice.

Did you inherit your money
or did you make it yourself?

I just take care of the place.

Oh, you mean I have to meet the family?

We're alone.

Oh.' Goody.

Goody, goody for...

Oh, that Piggy! Ooh'.

He poured some vodka down me in the car
and I think that he made it himself

from some old potatoes or something.

I'm just not with it at all tonight.

Now let's see what we can do
about the dress, okay, hm?

I am a mess.

You know, I think that maybe I...
I just better collapse.

Yeah, I'll tell you what.

We'll get you all cleaned up,
I'll call a cab,

and you can collapse at home, okay?

You're right.

You're right as the rain,

that's what you are, you're...

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

Well, you can't clean it
with me in it, can you?

This thing's stuck right here,
I can't seem to...

- Can you get...
- Mm-hm, just a second.

I can't see, but I can...

Well, pull it.

Haven't you ever undone a zipper before?

Okay, honey, there you go.

Oh, oh my...

You know... you know,
I just think that maybe...

you better do most of this yourself.

'Cause after all that jazz
and our hundred-yard dash,

I'm exhausted.

Hey, you can't pass out here.

If that's a challenge, I accept.

Okay, honey.

Just lemme have 40 winks'.

Not even 20.

Where are you taking me?
I wanna go beddy-bye.

Yeah, well, you're gonna go beddy-bye at home
after you've had a little hydrotherapy.

Hydro what?

I don't like those strange drinks.

Here we go, oops-a-daisy now.

- Where are you taking me?
- Take it easy.

Oh, you'll like this,
this'll be fun for you.

Honey...

- There we go.
- Oh'. You fink'.

No, no, no... here we go.

I oughta k*ll you!

There we go.

Oh, you lousy...

It'll be all right.

- Here, dry yourself off.
- Oh, leave me alone!

- Okay, all right'
.
- Put me down.'

There you go!

Now take off those wet things
so I can put 'em in the dryer.

I wouldn't do anything for you.

Not for me.

I just don't want you to get
double pneumonia, that's all.

- I'll get it if I like.
- You won't like.

Now, take off that slip
and whatever else you've got underneath it

or I'll take them off you myself.

You would.

Say... how old are you, anyway?

I'm old enough.

For some things, maybe,
but not for bars and wise characters

like that boyfriend of yours.

That's not my boyfriend,

he just drove me down from San Francisco.

You... you mean he's a stranger?

No, not exactly.

I go to sch... I mean,
I went to school with his sister,

till I got expelled today.

Turn your back.

Piggy and Peggy.

Boy, they're drips of the first water.

But I was broke, and he was
the best transportation I could manage.

You mean, your family don't know about this?

Oh, heaven forbid!

I just hope I get home
before the storm breaks.

You know, everything happens to me.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised
if your employer walked in here any minute.

That's typical of what happens to me.

Yeah, well, in that case, honey,
I better get started on that dress.

Come on, are you decent?

Just a minute.

I'm sorry I've been such a witch.

You've really been very sweet.

You did the same thing for me.

But I don't have your left hook.

Yeah, well, honey, you don't need it.

Hm.

Kinda nice
.

I've called a cab.

Oh, thanks.

Galahad?

Yeah?

The someone for whom you work
is a woman, isn't she?

How did you know?

A little bird.

You know, I like it here.

I've always wanted to have a friend at the beach,
it's so convenient
.

Convenient for what?

Oh, swims, walks along the beach,
wiener roasts.

Little chats in front of the fire.

I told you, uh, I don't own this place,
I just look after it.

Oh. Who looks after you?

I don't need anybody to look after me.

Then the position is open
and applications being accepted?

There's nothing to apply for.

I wouldn't say that.

I wouldn't say that at all.

Excuse me.

Your cab's here.

You know, you've really been very sweet.

And I think you deserve
a proper thank you.

That'll have to do for now.

Oh, and keep my account open.

Thanks for the shower,
we must do it again sometime.

- Good morning
.
- Good morning
.

Sign here, please.

Uh, I didn't order anything.

Christopher Farley,
12247 Pacific Boulevard, Malibu.

That's you, isn't it?

- That's right.
- Charged to Vanessa Windsor
.

Okay.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

Hello?

Darling! Did they come?

Yeah, they came.

Oh, I'm so glad.

I told the shop to send them out today.

You are pleased, aren't you?

I mean, you like them?

Look, Vanessa, there are six suits here.

Only six?

Oh, they must have forgotten
the one for Sunday.

What kind of a guy do you think I am,

taking 15... 1800 dollars' worth of clothes
from a woman?

Oh, darling, I'm hardly
what you'd call "a" woman.

I'm me and you're you,
and what does the price matter?

It matters to me a lot.

Chris, I'm only trying to help.

You know how important it is
for an actor to make an impression.

You can't get anywhere
looking like a tramp.

If I took them, I'd be a tramp.

They're going right back to that store.

Oh now, Chris
,
don't do anything rash.

We'll have the...

?
Chris

I don't know why you're objecting to
that silly bracelet.

I buy one for all my friends.

I used to wear two or three of them myself
around my ankle in the old days.

- Everybody wears them.
- Mon Cher, please.

I'm bored hearing about the Stone Age.

That's where these rocks came from, lover,
and don't forget it.

Darling, give Lily a sh*t for her bronchitis, huh?

- Of course, Ms. Frayne.
- It's the sea air, I don't know why I live here.

Well, I thought you liked the beach, Ms. Frayne.

Well, I do darling, I do
,.

But it's so boring.

There's nothing to do, night or day,
but go to bed.

Why don't you make another picture, Ms. Frayne?

- I thought you were great in Salammbo.
- Lubitsch did too, darling.

Lubitsch did too.

We were giants in those days.

Now you could put the whole bunch under
a card table and nobody'd muss a hair.

- Did you ever see me in Salammbo, darling?
- Sorry, I wasn't born then.

Well, I was only 11 myself!

They called me "Little Lily Frayne."

I was the first child star
ever to be chased around a desk.

Chris, please let me explain.

I told you I was willing to listen
to what you had to say, that's why I'm here.

Vanessa!

- It's been ages, darling, how are you?
- Oh, I'm fine.

You remember Pepe, we played foursies, tennis.

- He's the boy with the marvelous chop.
- Oh, yes.'

Enchanté.

And who is this,
I don't think I've seen him before.

Or have you been hiding him on purpose?

- This is Mr. Farley, Ms. Frayne.
- You must be in pictures or you should be.

I've had a couple of lines
and done some extra work

but I don't think I have the talent
for this 24-hour acting bit

that seems to go on around here.

Ah, my dear boy, one does need
a little talent in this business

but not necessarily for acting.

Oh, we are late, I don't wanna lose the table.

Chris, do you mind
telling the head waiter we're here?

Not at all.

How exciting for you, angel.

He's a little rude but so virile.

Some people are just rude, period.

Pay the man, Mon Cher.

Life can be so boring.

I adore the clean-limbed, American type too,

but somehow I always end up with veal scallopini
in sideburns.

Leaping to conclusions again, Lily?

What else is there to leap at, except men?

One keeps me in the condition for the other.

Oh, but Chris is quite independent.

I mean, he's taking care of my beach house
but he also works at studios.

My dear, that's a mistake,
never let them have a career.

That's the one thing I've really learned
about men in Hollywood.

Success goes to their little heads.

One morning they're off with the car
and their gold cufflinks and your heart,

and that's that.

Keep 'em sharecropping, dear, it's the only way.

Tote that barge, lift that bale,

but if he's not taking care of your cottage
as you like, send him over to me.

I have a little property too.

- Your table's ready.
- Chris, wait!

- Voulez vous a Le dernier, Mon Cheri?
- I told you not to talk that phony French.

It sounds as though you're calling me an old cow,
which you probably are.

Your table's ready, Ms. Frayne, this way please.

Chris
.

Chris, I'm sorry that you had
to hear all that nonsense.

Lily is an idiot but why blame me
for what she says?

I'm not blaming anybody for anything,
except myself.

And anyway it wasn't just what she said.

What then?

Do you want me to be like that pet seal
your friend was showing off in the bar tonight?

Well, Chris, that's not fair.

You've got your way of looking at things
and I've got mine
.

- What do you mean?
- I mean that I wasn't on to this deal.

I thought you wanted a man
to take care of the place, not you.

Oh, but, Chris, I don't understand you
when you get so angry.

I'm not angry, at least not with you.

I'm grateful to you, as a matter of fact,
for everything,

everything you've done,
everything you've tried to do.

I know it hasn't all been beer and pretzels
for you either.

I don't house-break easily.

Chris, Chris, darling.

You've given me something that a guy like me

might never have found
knocking around the way I have.

And it was wonderful.

That is, until I woke up and realized
how wrong we were.

But don't you realize it was wonderful for me too?

You and I, we can never have
any real relationship.

You're Vanessa Windsor, the big movie star.

And I'm just the guy that everyone in town's
gonna say you're keeping'.

Well, what does it matter what people say?

It matters to me!

Because I've got to look at myself in the mirror
every morning'.

That's why I'm checking out of here

while I've still got my self respect,
what's left of it.

So, you're walking out, are you?

That's right.

Because if I stayed around here it wouldn't be
very long before I'd be just like that Pepe.

And around the same time I might start thinking
maybe you were just like Lily Frayne.

Chris'
.

Oh, Chris, what are we trying to do
to one another?

I know I've been wrong

and it could have turned out the way you said
with two other people,

but not with us.

Nothing can change the way we feel to one another.

Vanessa...

Oh, Chris, I need you.

I need you desperately.

- Hi
.
- Hi'
.

This place is locked up like a vault.

I got so hungry, I almost broke a window
in my desperation.

Wouldn't have done you much good.

The cupboard was bare,
I had to go to the market myself.

Oh, company for dinner?

Not that I know of.

Well, perhaps I'll stay if you coax me.

Or will I?

If it's your employer,
do you want me to disappear?

Employers have keys, remember?

That's right.

- Hank'.
- Buenos días and all that.'

- Come on in
.
- Hey, this is something like.

Who did your decorating, Chris?

Oh, I'm not a permanent piece, I'm just on loan.

Hank Galvez, this is, um...

Oh, my name's Penny.

No, and me an old coin collector from way back.

This is a very rare issue, sonny.

And in mint condition at that'.

Don't take Hank too seriously,
he gets his gift of gab from his Irish mother.

Take me seriously or, better still, take me.

Hank, what are you drinking?

Well, I was on the wagon but Aquavit, what's that?

It means, "The water of life."

That's for me.

Well, with all these distractions I don't know if
you've had a chance to concentrate on the script.

Yeah, I read it.

"Water of life," are you kidding, this'll k*ll me!

You get used to it.

Well, what about the story?

Oh, it's not bad, Hank, not bad at all but...

well, I don't think I'm gonna be able to get away
.

What do you mean get away,
what's to hold you?

Well, personal considerations.

- Does he mean you, honey?
- Oh, I don't think so.

Do you?

It's just that things have changed
since I talked to you, Hank.

Yeah, yeah, I can see that.

Yeah, this is quite a change from that bungalow court
you were racked up in

and this little teepee.

But just remember, whatever games
you're playing in your off hours

aren't worth turning this chance down.

Maybe I don't have as good an opinion
of your little quickie as you do.

Anyway, just 'cause I don't wanna act in it
doesn't mean...

Act, who said you could act?

You couldn't act your way out of a traffic ticket.

I just want you around to flex your muscles
and grunt.

Maybe I'm not flexing this week.

Hey, look, buddy, you've got a soft touch here

but you need a soft touch
like I need a hole in the head'
.

Now you gotta get out and work for it.

When you get down to Mexico
that's just what I'm gonna do with you.

You seem awfully sure I'm going.

Shake a camera and a loin cloth in front of you

and I'll have you paddling down to Acapulco
in your water wings.

Lay off, Hank, it's too hot
for that much self-confidence.

Let's kick it around some other time.

Okay, okay, cookie, I'm sorry, no offense.

That's all I do anyway,
influence friends and make people.

But just remember, you can't escape your destiny
and this ain't it.'

Is it, pal?

Say, work on him for me
and I'll give you 10% of Chris.

Well, I think I'll work on 100% of Chris.

Now you're talking.

Okay, you're in.

Adios, amigo, keep in touch.

Oh, I do mean the two of you.

There's nothing like an old buddy
for an unvarnished opinion.

Well, I don't blame you
for not wanting to leave here.

I think it's a very charming house
and whoever owns it is equally charming.

I don't imagine much is demanded of you.

Anyway, whatever it is, I'm sure you're doing it
for someone you're very fond of

or for someone who pays the bills, huh?

Look, honey, I don't know
what kind of ideas you've got

in the back of that pretty little head
of yours but...

Oh, I don't think I ever concealed my main idea.

It's just that that deal Hank is offering me,
it isn't very good.

- Practically no money...
- Well, I said I didn't blame you!

Anyway, if you have a soft touch here
I think that's fine.

As I indicated before, I think you're
a very good-looking young man.

If I had money I wouldn't mind
paying a bill or two for you myself.

But, being broke, I guess you'll just
have to put me on the free list.

I know you want to.

I've known it from the first moment
I stepped into this house, didn't you?

Oh, I'd pay any amount of bills for you.

Oh, there's something I want to talk to you about.

Something else?

The other night, when I was here,
I took a little souvenir by accident.

This belongs to your employer.

I was a little fuzzy the other night or I would
have realized sooner by the initials, VW.

Realized what?

Well...

your...

Your employer, well, she's very close to me.

She's my mother and I'm Penny Windsor.

And I'm gonna run right home and tell mother
what a passionate little friend she has here!

Keeps it in the family, too, don't you think?

Get... get your paws...

Get your paws off me.'

Stop treating me like a child'.

Listen to me, I didn't ask you down here.

I don't know what your game is
but you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it'.

Oh, sure, keep my mouth shut
or you might lose your meal ticket.

And that'd be disastrous, wouldn't it?

I'm thinking about Vanessa,
this was a put-up job and you know it.

Oh, don't worry your little heart about Vanessa.

You think you're her first little friend?

You're just one of a long line that she's
picked up and dropped at her convenience!

Including me'.

I'm kept out of sight, she's forgotten all about me,

she doesn't even remember me hardly.'

She put me in school because I was too old

and I might destroy the illusion
of the great Vanessa Windsor.

Well, I'm just as phony as you are.

I'm not even a real Windsor!

Don't think she hasn't let me know it either.

Now I'm gonna destroy a few of her illusions.

And not you or anybody else is gonna stop me'.

- Now wait a minute.
- Oh, let me go'.

- Come here!
- No.'

Stop it!

Come on, Penny, it's gonna be okay.

- Mother?
- Go away!

What's wrong, what is it?

Are you sick?

No.

I can't tell you.

But what is it?

Oh, Penny, I've been such a fool.

I've gotta talk to someone or I'll lose my mind.'

I've never seen you like this.'

You don't know what it's like to love someone
and know he's got someone else.

- What?
- He's got another woman.

I was there tonight, he didn't know I was coming.

He was asleep but I could see where she'd been.

There were the cigarettes
and where they had dinner.

Oh, Penny I love him so.

I know he's younger and he's not faithful
but I don't care, I love him.

I love him, I can't let him go!

No, don't cry.

Don't cry.

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Farley.
- Good morning
.

Hi, Chris, you sounded so urgent on the phone,
what's the matter?

I'm sorry, I had to see you right away,
I hope you don't mind my coming here.

No, no sit down, is there something wrong?

Well, not exactly, it's just that...

I had an offer to do a picture in Mexico,
I'm going to take it.

Well, how long will you be gone?

I don't know, I might stay down there for a while
after the picture's finished.

I think it's time I did something about my life.

Yeah, sure, I understand.

After all, you have standards.

And if two people love one another as we do

there's only one solution
before they can be happy.

That is, real happy.

You know, you're right, you are right,
we have to get married.

It's as simple as that!

- Married?
- Yes!

You're right about Mexico too.

You've got to establish yourself.

And as for us, goodness knows
we've weathered our differences.

And it's high time that we legalize the situation.

Vanessa, look...

When did you say you have to go to Mexico?

In a few days.

Well, that's wonderful.

'Cause then I'll be through with my picture
and I'll join you there and we'll get married.

And we'll have a Mexican honeymoon,
doesn't that sound divine?

- Yeah, but look...
- Oh, I've got to call the papers.

This story, I think, should go to Hedda.

Miss Helm, get me Hedda Hopper.

Oh, this is going to be wonderful for your career,
there'll be acres of publicity.

And, you know, I haven't been married since...

Well, it's been a long time.

Oh, there's something I forgot.

There's someone you must meet
who must be the very first to know, come on!

Oh, Penny darling, here's someone
I'm very anxious for you to meet.

Chris Farley, this is my wonderful daughter,
Penny.

I wanted you to get together for a long time.

But now, since we're going to be a family.

Family?

Yes, Chris and I are going to be married.

What?

I want you two to love one another
as much as I love both of you.

I'm... I'm sorry.

Thank you, Miss Helm.

Hedda, darling, I have the most important
announcement of my life to make.

Yes, it is romance!

Oh, thank you'.

?
Chris

?
Chris

Chris'
.

Sorry, I tried but I couldn't go through with it.

Something changed things.

Believe me, it's better this way.

Why did you come here?

I don't know.

I just couldn't stay away.

Didn't you find my note?

Mm-hm.

I did but it didn't say much, not really.

You see, I know why you left.

I've known ever since it happened.

You've known?

Everything.

Except who she was.

And I hope I never know that.

See, if I'd known you'd run away
I would've told you.'

- Because it doesn't matter.
- What do you mean, "It doesn't matter?"

Well, I mean it doesn't matter
as much as you leaving me.

Look, it's no use.

Well, maybe you had a reason.

Maybe you did it for no reason at all,
those things happen sometimes.

I mean, maybe it was just
some attractive little tramp.

No, not a tramp.

You mean you've known her before?

I've only seen her a couple of times.

Nothing really happened.

She's not a tramp.

You're not in love with her, are you?

I...

I don't know.

Maybe if we'd met differently
I would have fallen for her.

You mean if it hadn't been for me?

Oh, look, look, can a guy be in love
with two women at the same time?

No.

No, when these things happen,
sooner or later, you find out

one of these two loves is the real love

and the other just infatuation or sex.

Well, you and I, we know this isn't real love.

It's what you might call delusion.

My love for you is real.

And the feeling we have for one another is real.

It doesn't matter what happened.

It's what's going to happen that matters.

Oh, Chris, Chris,
there's no use trying to escape it.

There'll never be any other woman in your life
but me, I'll see to that.

Just you and me.

And Penny, of course.

You, me, and Penny.

I just talked to her.

She's gonna make the wedding announcement
tonight after they finish.

I didn't mean for this to happen, Chris.

I didn't mean to fall in love with you either,
but I did

and it's hell!

Last week I was just a rebellious kid
trying to find out about life.

Now all of a sudden I'm grown up.

I must say, it's kind of miserable.

Are you in love with her?

Or is she just gonna have everything
her way as usual?

Last night when she came home she was different.

I've never seen her like that before.

I really think she does love you.

It's probably about the first time
she's ever loved anybody but herself.

And I don't know how you feel, Chris,
and I've got to know, I can't go on like this.'

- Honey, you know how I feel.
- No I don't.'

Yes you do, look, it's just that when I'm with her
I can't explain to her that...

How perfect, Vanessa's introduced you two
at last, hmm?

- Hello, Joe.
- Evening, Ms. Frayne.

Could I have a couple of hot dogs for Oubliette
here with plenty of mustard

and a hot pastrami for Francois.

- And a very large dill pickle for me.
- Coming up, Ms. Frayne.

Je vous Du santre.

I've been looking for you, darling,
want to have a little chat.

But perhaps I should have made an appointment.

I was just leaving.

You do play with fire, don't you, lover?

Personally, I like a young man with initiative.

I get so bored with these local,
sunburned, pseudo-virile types;

Get a girl all confused and leave her that way.

But that's not the purpose of my little visit.

- I want to make a date with you.
- A date?

Why don't we have cocktails tomorrow
?
and talk everything over

I haven't got anything to talk to you about.

I can raise the ante
.

Marriage alone isn't the top bid.

- What are you talking about?
- I read Hedda's column tonight.

I must admit, you're a little smarter
than I thought you were.

But I'm realistic,

I grant that there are certain charms
in this deal,

but I'd be a lot more understanding than Vanessa.

And you would need a lot of understanding.

Wouldn't you, dear?

Ms. Frayne, why don't you crawl
back into the woodwork?

I beg your pardon!

I accept the apology, and thanks.

Thank you several times.

This wave should be separated a little more,
don't you think?

Oh, Chris, you're early.

- Is Penny with you?
- No.

- I want to talk to you alone.
- Oh?

Well, we're all through anyhow, thank you.

Vanessa, why do you want to marry me?

Why?

What a question, you know perfectly well, why.

No, I don't know.

You've been asking all the questions
and giving all the answers.

I've never really had a chance with you
to talk or think.

You asked me to marry you.

I guess that's the Windsor technique.

Well, it's not mine.

When I get married, I'm gonna do the asking
and I'm gonna be able to support my wife.

It's not gonna be the other way around.

- But...
- Shut up and let me finish!

Being married to you, Vanessa,
would only mean that I'd be a legalized gigolo,

a prized cocker spaniel like that guy
Lily Frayne has.

Something that you could show up
and get a blue ribbon for!

Yeah, well, thanks a lot, Vanessa,
but I'm not having it.

- Where are you going?
- I don't know exactly.

But wherever it is, it'll be some place
where I'm a human being

and not just an ornament
for somebody's Christmas tree.

Chris'
.

?
Chris

Lovers' quarrel, dear?

Domestic contradant?

Penny, go after him and bring him back, huh?

No matter how, but bring him back.

It won't work, you made the one fatal mistake:

You let him know you really loved him.

I would have handled it quite differently.

Mother, you can't chase after him.

Well, what else can I do?

Chris isn't in love with you.

What do you know about love?

He's in love with me.

Today's not the first day I've seen him.

I was the one at your little hide-out last night.

Ms. Windsor, they're ready for you on the set.

Look, Vanessa Windsor'.

She's still the greatest.

Drunk again.

Oh, hi, Vanessa,
you know the business in this sh*t.

You start across the bridge, Phil comes after you,

catches you, you struggle,
and then we have your double take the fall.

- Oh, Myrna?
- Uh-huh?

We'll move in with a crane for a close sh*t
of Ms. Windsor and Phil struggling.

Then we'll cut, pull back, you replace her
and take the fall in the long sh*t, got it?

Uh-huh.

This is a very dangerous sh*t,
now I want you to be careful, huh?

It's real good to be working with you again,
Ms Windsor
..

All right, let's try a rehearsal.

- Al.
- Hm?

No rehearsal.

Just... just sh**t it.

All right, this will be a take.

Okay, take it away.

Hold it down, folks.

Okay, quiet on the set please.

- Are you all set up there?
- All set'.

All right, take the crane away.

Now quiet, everyone, please, quiet.

- Okay Eddie
,.
- All right.

All right, boys, let's have the water!

Hit the wind machine.

All right, roll 'em!

All right, Al?

Action'.

- Take me down!
- Clear everything.'

Oh, Doctor, how is she?

She'll be all right after she sleeps.

You can go in for a moment, she wants to see you.

Mother?

Oh, that was a scene, wasn't it?

I was so frightened.

I saw you go under twice
and I was afraid you weren't coming up.

So was I.

You know, your whole life flashes in front of you
when you are drowning.

I remembered things
that I haven't thought of since I was three.

Got a cigarette?

What about the doctor?

Oh, he hasn't said no.

Thank you.

You know, I'm a little ashamed of myself.

I don't think I've been quite fair
to either of you.

You see, all my life,
in order to get things, I had to be...

well, let's call it determined.

And sometimes, just because one is determined,

one clings to the things that are really over.

Whatever was between Chris and myself is finished.

Maybe it never even began

but it's hard for me to give up anything.

People grow up at different ages.

I'm sort of a delayed case.

You do understand what I'm trying to say,
don't you?

Yes.

I'm sorry you'll have to leave now.

Ms. Windsor must get her rest.

I'll come back in the morning, Mother.

Have a nice night's rest.

- Goodnight, darling.
- Goodnight.

Now, now, Ms. Windsor, none of that.

You don't know how near we came to losing you.

My, I had no idea acting
took so much out of a person.

All that hustle and bustle
and that water business, I'd never do it.

Then again, maybe I would
if I had such a nice kid as you had.

I guess that's what we do it for after all,
isn't it, the kids.

Yeah.

That's what we do it for...

the kids.

Ms. Windsor, maybe I shouldn't say this but,

well, I've always felt that you were a much better
actress than the roles they gave you.

Oh, thank you, that's very kind of you.

'Cause the one great thing you have
on the screen is believability.

Believability.

Oh, I hope so.

I certainly hope so.

I wasn't convinced.

Chris, you're back.

That was a nice try...

but you didn't sell me.

What... what are you talking about?

Oh, Vanessa.

You know something?

You're quite a gal.

It makes me happy just to hear you say that.

I...

- I wish I could...
- Shh.

You and I...

it wouldn't have worked anyway.

You better go now, I have to have my rest.

- Goodnight, Vanessa.
- Goodnight, Chris.