06x11 - Superbaby

[bunniefuu]

- Here they come.
- Don't holler too loud.

We don't wanna
scare the young'un.

I'm not sure how to
introduce myself to the baby.

Mr. Dietz
or uncle Charley.

How about uncle yutz?

Surprise!

Welcome home.

What a nice greeting.

Let's take a look at the goods.

So, this is Scotty Weston.

F. Scotty.

He was named after my favorite
writer f. Scott Fitzgerald.

The kid's lucky.

He was almost
dostoyevsky Weston.

Can I hold him, Carol?

Well, okay.

You gonna get all bent
out of shape if I drop him?

Maybe some other time.

Why, you are just cuter
than spring lamb

with a mouth full of dandelions,

ain't he, Sophia?

I'll take your word for it.

And a happy little fellow.

You just as happy as a mosquito

at a nudist camp,
ain't you, honey pie?

Yeah,
like a sarsaparilla salesman

when the cotton is high.

I don't know
what the hell it means.

I just wanted to try one.

The nurses were
amazed at how good he was.

- That's true.
They said it was

the first case they remembered

where the mother
cried more than the baby.

I was going through a little
post-partum depression.

I had the same thing
when Dorothy was born.

They say it'll pass.

♪ One by one

♪ we fill the days

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

He's sleeping.

Daddy, that is the best baby.

Naturally, he's a Weston.

- I'm serious.
You know, he practically

slept through the night.

You're gonna think
this is neurotic,

but I went
in there every half hour

to check on him.

That is neurotic, dear.

I only went in every hour.

Scotty's up.

- Wait. What?
I didn't hear anything.

You're not a mother.

A mother knows these things.

It's like emotional radar.

Whoops, he just blipped.
I'd better change him.

- Let's go, dreyf.
Time for your...

What is this?
Low-fat, high-fiber

vegetarian dog food.

All right.
No dessert for you.

Where's the baby?
- He's sleeping.

I guess my radar's off.

Well, when he wants you,
dear, he'll cry.

And what a sweet cry he has.

It's not that raucous
grating sound

that most babies make it.

It's... it's gentle
and mellifluous

as if he was trying
to be polite.

Carol, babies are not born
with good manners.

Believe me.

At birth, you couldn't tell
Emily post from Howard stern.

Maybe so,

but there's something
very special about this baby.

I mean, the way
he seems so alert

as if he were taking in
his surroundings.

Newborns aren't supposed
to be able to do that.

Well, yeah,
that is a little unusual.

And you should see
how neat he keeps his crib.

Well, you call me when
he leaves a mint on the pillow.

Sweetheart, all new parents
think that their baby

is the most special
wonderful child in the world.

It's not something
you could be objective about.

And is that how you felt, daddy?

That I was the most special,

wonderful child
in all the world?

It's not something
I can be objective about.

Good morning, Maxine.

Harry.

Well?

Well, what?

How's the baby?

Fine.

- That's it?
Just fine?

Aren't you gonna bore me
with all the brilliant

and adorable things
he did last night?

Maxine, he's a baby.

He ate, he slept,
he filled his diaper.

Of course,
Carol would like to think

that he showered,
shined his shoes

and caught the bus to work.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize.

Didn't realize what?

It's okay, Harry.

There's nothing wrong with
having an average grandchild.

Some kids are just dim.

- Wait a minute here.
Wait a...

I didn't say he was dim.

I just don't wanna be
one of those typical

bragging grandfathers.

Even though Scotty
has indeed shown signs

of being
a rather extraordinary baby.

Is he crowin'
about that kid already?

I'm... I'm not crowing.

He's given me some nonsense

about Scotty
shining his own shoes.

I didn't say that.

If you gonna make up
tall tales on that young'un,

at least make 'em believable.

All right, I give up.

But, for your information...

He keeps a very neat crib.

Is there anything more fun
than pulling his chain?

He's easier to reel in
than a dead bass.

Hey, you wanna go in with me
for a gift for the baby?

Do I get to pick it out?

- I don't know.
What would you pick?

Maybe a playpen or a stroller.

- No good.
Them's baby things.

My god, what was I thinking?

I suppose
you have a better idea.

Of course I do.

I wanna give that boy
something that'll last

so years on down the road
he'll look at it and think:

Dr. Douglas and Laverne.

How 'bout a tattoo
with our names on it?

It works for me.

You think that's something?

My grandson was taking
solid food at ten weeks

and could sit up
at two and a half months.

- Yeah?
Well, mine cries politely.

He cries politely?

All right. A slight
exaggeration, but based on fact.

I mean, I had to say something

the way he was
carrying on about his grandson.

Believe me, I'm perfectly
happy with Scotty just as he is.

Average, ordinary baby...

Who happens to be a whole lot
better than that's guy's kid.

- Just a minute.
Excuse me, doctor.

I hate to interrupt,
but Carol's on the line.

- Hi, sweetheart.
How's Scotty?

No, dear. No, dear.
He couldn't have.

Because he's a baby,
and it's impossible.

Carol...

All right, all right.
All right, all right.

I'll see it
for myself when I come home.

The baby's...
Singing Beethoven.

Hi, Sophia.

It's about time you got here.

We gotta talk about this baby.

Carol told you
what she thinks the baby did.

- Thinks, nothing.
I heard it myself.

- Wait, wait.
Wait a minute.

You heard Scotty sing Beethoven?

- I'm telling you, Harry.
It's weird.

This is Rosemary's baby
we're talking about.

No, we're talking about
Carol's baby.

That's even scarier.

Where is Carol?

In the other room
with a child psychologist.

God.

- Take it from me.
You don't need a psychologist,

you need the ghostbusters.

Dr. Rudnick.

This is my father,
Dr. Harry Weston.

- Pleasure, Dr. Rudnick.
- Dr. Weston.

Dr. Rudnick
specializes in child prodigies.

He thinks
Scotty may be a genius.

Carol, I didn't say that.

What I said
is that many gifted children

display
extraordinary intelligence

at a very early age.

Certainly not at one week.

People are born
with innate talents, doctor.

Mozart was writing
symphonies at the age of five.

True, they were
lousy symphonies, but...

Anyway, how many geniuses
have there been in your family?

Geniuses?

Well, it's so hard
to come up with an exact number.

I'd say, roughly...

What would you say, daddy?

Roughly zero.

What about the father's family?

Less than zero.

That's odd.

There's usually
some genetic link

to another family member
of exceptional abilities.

Well... I did
play piano as a child.

Yeah, seven years
of lessons, 3,500 dollars,

she can play the happy farmer.

- Right.
No geniuses.

Scotty's up.

Maybe we'll get
to hear something.

He's doing it!

My baby's singing Beethoven!

My god, he is.

That's phenomenal.

- That's...
My grandson.

Hey!

Daddy, I think I may have found

someone in the family
who was a musical genius.

Who would that be?

Your great uncle melville.

Look at this picture of him

surrounded by all
those musical instruments.

Carol...

Uncle melville
owned a pawn shop.

Then what about...?

Sweetheart, please, you don't
have to search for geniuses.

But Dr. Rudnick says
it usually runs in the family.

But he's not even sure
that Scotty is a genius.

He just could have
a peculiar way of crying.

A peculiar way of crying?

That's like saying
baryshnikov has a funny walk.

Morning, Harry.

Where's Lucifer?

Scotty is in the living room.

- What's he doing?
Working on a new tune?

Sophia, he's an ordinary baby

who has
a peculiar way of crying.

Ha! That's like saying
baryshnikov has a funny walk.

What?

I was listening at the door.

But it doesn't matter anyway

because I figured out
a way to fix everything.

What are you talking about?

An exorcism.

Saturday night at shady pines.

Punch and light refreshments
following the ceremony.

Sophia, there's
not gonna be any exorcism.

Harry, have a heart.

We're starved
for entertainment down there.

Hello, Sophia.

Hello, Carol.

Hey, Scotty, don't make
any plans for Saturday night.

Sophia, who do you think
Scotty looks like?

I'm thinking Damien.

Well, when he was born
he looked exactly like Patrick,

but now I'm not sure.

And, daddy, have you noticed
how much weight he's gained?

Carol, baby's go
through tremendous changes

at this stage.

It's perfectly normal.

He's right.

Dorothy changed so much,

everyone thought the hospital
had pulled a switch on me.

But I knew better.

A mother always knows.

My god.

What?

A mother always knows.

Well, this mother
doesn't always know.

Daddy, I don't have
that kind of connection

that Sophia's talking about.

What are you saying?

Think about it.

No musical background,
no geniuses in the family,

my radar's been off.

Don't you see?

There's only one
possible explanation.

What?

This is not my baby.

I think you're gonna
love what we got the baby.

The question is:

Is the baby gonna love
what we bought the baby?

Can't help but,

it's fun, educational,
non-toxic, durable

and will grow with the child.

Feast your eyes, doctor.

Tools?

Not just tools.

A complete set of drop forge
nickel plated automotive tools

in standard and metric sizes.

You bought
a newborn infant tools?

It is the perfect gift.

Right now it's just shiny things
to catch his attention,

but by the time he grows up,

they'll be like
second nature to him.

Well, at least
we don't have to worry

that somebody else
bought him the same thing.

Unless one of
the pep boys shows up.

Good morning.

Good morning, doctor.

What's in the box?

- Nothin'.
It's just somethin'

Dr. Douglas
and me got for the baby.

Laverne picked it out.

Now, doctor.

Now, nothing.

I want it on the record.
Laverne picked it out.

Well, I thank you both
very much,

and I'll see
that Scotty gets it.

Although I may have to send it
on to his forwarding address.

What you talkin' 'bout?

Carol's got it in her head
that the baby's not hers.

Isn't that what
the father usually says?

Well, she insists
that a mother knows her baby,

and Scotty is not hers.

She's... she's convinced he was
switched at the hospital.

Where'd she get
an idea like that?

That is crazy.

Never mind. I just answered
my own question.

I think she feels she
somehow doesn't deserve him.

I mean, you know
how suggestible Carol is.

Yeah, stark ravin' suggestible.

Well, why don't we
suggest her out of it?

You know,
we'll come over tonight,

we'll tell her
how much Scotty looks like her

and how deserving she is.

Then we'll tell her
that things like this

just don't happen.

'Course, there was this TV movie

where a mother had
her baby stolen by this nurse

who couldn't
have kids of her own.

Now, she had this yellow Van

and inside it was all
fixed up like a playpen.

Laverne,
why don't you stay home tonight

and rebuild your carburetor?

Good news.

I just talked to him.
He's gonna take our case.

What case? Who...?

Feferman, p.I.

What are you talking about?

Lech feferman,
private investigator.

He's got this big
ad in the yellow pages.

"You lose it,
he finds it."

Carol, I told you I would
call the hospital tomorrow.

My god.

What if Scotty's
out there being bottle-fed?

What if he's wearing
disposable diapers?

What if he's being
raised by Republicans?

Carol, will you
pull yourself together?

I am together.

I simply got the wrong baby
and he's going back.

Going back where?

Daddy, look at the evidence.

Has anyone said this baby
has my eyes or Patrick's nose?

Carol, he sleeps all day.

He's obviously
got Patrick's drive.

Now, please, I want you
to stop doing this.

Your baby is upstairs
with Laverne and Maxine.

All right, all right, all right.

I will weather the storm.
I will weather the storm.

All right.
I'm centered.

Honest to goodness,

he looks just like
that baby in that TV movie.

Laverne.

Carol, that is
some baby you have there.

And the family resemblance
is uncanny.

- See?
- Yeah, the way he grabbed

at the wrong end
of that torque wrench

had Harry Weston
writ all over it.

Well, that's some coincidence

because j.D.'S
not my baby.

J.d.?

John Doe,
the little stranger upstairs.

Carol, I don't see
how there's any doubt

that he's your baby.

He's so much like you.

Really?

In what way?

For one,

he's absolutely adorable.

Well, yes, there's that.

And we all know
he's smart as a whip.

Look, I know
what you're all trying to do,

but a mother knows these things.

You'll all see I'm right

as soon as I get
the results of the DNA testing.

DNA testing?

Yes. And I sent
his footprint to the FBI.

I give up.

Excuse me, Harry,

I don't usually like
to meddle in family matters,

but can I say something here?

Please, go ahead.

Carol, sit down for a moment.

Thank you,
but I prefer to stand.

Sit down!

Now listen to me, girl.

You are a warm,
loving human being,

and there's no reason on earth

for you to doubt that
that baby upstairs is yours.

- I know, but...
- I am not finished.

Now, the fact is
you have been blessed

with a beautiful, healthy baby.

So why don't you just thank god
and start enjoying him

and cut out
all this damn foolishness.

You're right, Maxine.

I will start enjoying my baby.

Thank god.

Just as soon as I find him.

- Carol!
You gotta stop this.

You're going off the deep end.

Well, that's not like that's
unfamiliar territory for her.

Look, you are all against me,

but I don't care.

I am a mother
fighting for her child,

and no power on earth
is stronger than that.

That's just what that mother
said in that TV movie.

- Carol Weston?
- Yes.

We're
Mr. and Mrs. Stanford.

I know this is going
to be a bit of a bombshell,

but... you've got our baby.

We're awfully sorry.

We never expected
anyone to faint.

No harm done.

It was just too big
a shock for the poor thing.

- Come on.
Sit up.

You all right, daddy?

- Yes, yes.
I'm fine. I'm fine.

- Good.
Where's my baby?

Ho-ho-hold on, Carol, Carol.

Just... just hold on.
Just a minute.

Now are you folks saying
the babies

actually were
switched at the hospital?

- Excuse me.
Do you folks drive a yellow Van?

Now, I'm sure you wanna
verify the information.

Here are the DNA tests
and the FBI footprint analysis.

Where's Scotty now?

We didn't wanna bring him in

until we felt
you were prepared for this.

He's out in the car
with our nanny.

My.

He just woke up.

Scotty, that's a cute name.

- Please.
- Please, sit down.

Yeah, actually, it's f. Scott,
after Fitzgerald.

Carol has a tendency
to be a little... theatrical.

What is your baby's name?

Igor.

After stravinsky.

Julian is conductor
of the south Florida symphony.

Well, you might wanna
consider the name Ludwig.

You know, I think
he has your eyes, doctor.

Let's hope
he don't get his legs.

Hey, it's grandpa.

Scotty, you're home.

He's waking up.

What do you think of that?

He's a little flat.

It's 3:00
in the morning.

Try feeding him again.

Daddy, he's not hungry

and he doesn't need changing.

He's just a crier.

He's been going on
like this for two hours.

At least it's not Beethoven.

Sounds more like Yoko Ono.

Face it, daddy.

This baby is going
to be a real handful.

Well, one thing for sure.

Woo-hoo, we know he's yours.