Daddy, don't dawdle.
You're right, dear.
I mustn't let a mere hernia
slow me down here.
Wait a minute.
Did we pay for that water?
Of course we did.
It was on the rack thing
underneath the cart.
Well, it's not on this receipt.
Daddy, you stole that water.
I stole nothing.
I... it was an honest mistake.
I'll pay for it next time.
Fine. But until then,
you are not to drink it.
Carol, may I remind you
that I am not
the one who nibbles
her way through the aisles.
Please,
everyone samples the grapes.
And that bag of oreos
was already open.
Hi, guys.
Charley.
Charley, you look like
you've just come from a funeral.
You know, there's something
about death that seems...
Almost sad.
Charley,
who... who d*ed?
This woman who used
to take cruises on my ship,
martina Van dam.
The perfume
heiress from Belgium?
Belgium?
The waffle place?
I can't believe
that you knew martina Van dam.
I mean, she was a legend.
- No.
She was a real person.
I just came
from the reading of the will.
It was very touching.
Especially when
they told me I'm a millionaire.
Well, I'll be going now.
Ta-ta.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, are you saying
that this woman left you...
A million smackers, Harry.
They already wired it
to my bank account.
Charley, wait a second.
Why would a woman
like martina Van dam
leave you that kind of money?
I used to play
with her schnauzer.
I was the only one she trusted
with little Rasputin.
The point is I'm wealthy.
Do you know what that means?
- What?
- Really, really rich.
♪ Life goes on
♪ and so do we...
♪ ...one by one
♪ we fill the days
♪ I'm always here
♪ for anything you need
♪ rain or shine
♪ I'll be the one...
♪ ...we share it all
♪ as life goes on
Would you look
at that thermometer?
How could it be
90 degrees in February?
Global warming, Sophia.
The ozone layer
is being depleted
at a staggering rate.
The human race is in danger
of being incinerated.
In, say, the next five years?
- No, honey.
- It won't happen that fast.
Then what do I care?
- Carol, Carol, here.
- What?
Look at this.
"Local man beneficiary
of heiress' will
"Miami resident, Charles dietz.
Martina Van dam...
Undisclosed amount."
Who, Charley?
A million dollars, Sophia.
Harry.
You gotta help me.
Everybody's after me.
Charley?
You know, you're
a very attractive man.
Call me.
Charley, come over here.
Let's...
What is this?
What's...
What's wrong?
The phone keeps ringing,
people are banging on my door.
They all want my money, Harry.
How did they find me? How?
There's an article in the paper.
Somebody
at that press conference I gave
must have
leaked it to a reporter.
And it didn't occur to you
that every crackpot in town
would be after you
with get-rich-quick schemes?
You mean, like, spam on a rope?
Charley, tell me
you didn't invest in that.
- No.
- Of course not.
I went for
the self-cleaning underwear.
Charley, look,
why don't you come over tonight
and discuss financial planning
with some people I know?
In the meantime,
just go home, lock your doors,
and don't give
anything to anybody.
What if one
of those guys comes around
claiming they need
money for an operation?
thr*aten to call the police.
Good idea.
Dad, I'm calling the police!
- Hey, Laverne.
You're in early.
Well, ever since my cat d*ed,
my house seems so empty.
Yeah, that's
because he was huge.
I hope you're
not callin' general Lee fat.
Tsk, come on.
He must have weighed,
what? 30 pounds?
37, but he was big-boned.
You wanna see
a picture of his headstone?
You gave him a funeral?
- Yeah.
I wrote the epitaph myself.
"General Lee, general Lee,
"big old ball of fluff,
"is gone to kitty heaven,
where there's
balls of yarn and stuff."
I sure am gonna miss
that big old hair ball.
Laverne, have you thought
about getting a new cat?
Don't you think
replacin' general Lee
so soon after his demise would
be a little bit insensitive?
No, not really.
You always
hated him, didn't you?
I did not.
He just scared me
with that lopsided head of his.
One eye always squinted shut.
Dr. Douglas,
I would appreciate it
if you would show
a little more respect
for my beloved pet's memory.
Laverne,
I wasn't being disrespectful.
This would be disrespectful.
General Lee.
Yeah.
So, what I'd like to do for you
is develop a highly
diversified stock portfolio,
primarily blue chip,
whose yield will be
consistent in the long term
while keeping your risks
to an absolute minimum.
Any questions, Mr. Dietz?
What are you wearing under that?
Mr. Dietz,
I'm talking about a dynamic,
exciting insurance package.
As we like to say
in the insurance business,
insurance
is your best insurance.
Now, here's the exciting part.
Mix well,
and let stand 30 minutes
before applying
cleansing mask to face.
Okay, now, where's my timer?
So, this is
how the other half lives?
Daddy, it's
the millionaire moron!
Guacamole.
Charley!
What?
There's chips in the cabinet.
Hello, Charley.
Hey, Harry.
I finally figured out
what to do with my money.
What?
Well, everybody's
after it, right?
Your investment guys,
people calling me up
in the middle of the night.
Well, nobody's gonna get it.
I outfoxed them all.
What are you
talking about, Charley?
What did you do?
Today I sank
everything into real estate.
You... you bought property?
- No...
I buried my money.
You buried it? Where?
- My backyard.
- Damn!
Okay, you dragged it out of me.
But you don't know
where in my backyard.
And don't try picking my brain.
I think you'll find
it's of no use.
Charley, I'm sure you have
some inane
demented logic behind this.
Of course.
This way it's safe,
it's easy to get to...
Plus, I found
a really cool worm.
I got a map and everything.
- Let me see that.
- No, you don't.
No, I don't what?
You think...
I want your money?
Harry, you said it yourself.
Everybody's got their hand out.
And may I say...
You're a tall man
with extremely large hands.
You have the nerve
to call me a thief
after all I've done for you?
By god,
I've treated you like a...
Human.
Sure, just buttering me up
waiting
for some rich Belgium woman
to die and leave me a fortune.
- Get out of my house.
- Truth hurts?
I'm giving you
three seconds, Charley,
to get out of my house.
- Fine.
I'll just time that
on my new
state-of-the-art rolex.
Tolex?
Dad?
Charley, I told you
I don't want you in this house
until you apologize.
I should apologize?
You're the one who sent your spy
over the last two nights.
What spy?
I think you know
who I'm talking about.
Don't give me those eyebrows.
I saw you digging in my yard.
How do you explain that, Harry?
I don't know.
He's a dog?
You have an answer
for everything, don't you?
Listen to me, listen to me.
You're losing it.
How long has it been
since you've slept?
It's been days, Harry.
I just sit by the window
eating beef jerky,
watching for intruders
with my infrared binoculars
from sharper image.
Harry, this money's
making me crazy.
I know, Charley,
and it has to stop.
I'm... i'm...
I'm worried about you.
- You are?
- Naturally!
You may be a lunatic,
but you're still my closest...
Neighbor.
Thanks, Harry.
And I'm sorry
for the way I'm acting.
I know you're really my friend
and I apologize
for insulting you.
Okay, all right.
Let's just... let's just
forget about it, all right?
There you go.
All right.
Now, what are you
gonna do with the cash?
Wouldn't you like to know.
Doctors,
I got somethin' to show you.
I's just over
to the pet cemetery
to visit general Lee...
- He's... he's...
He's not in there, is he?
Doctor, you best lay off
them Stephen King books.
I went to tell him
I's in need of companionship
and go and get me a pet.
Course, I ain't ready
for another kitty yet
so I got me this instead
from pets and things.
Is that, a pet or a thing?
It's a damn dinosaur.
- No, it ain't.
It's an iguana.
You wanna hold it?
- No, it's fine.
- Of course I don't want to...
He's sweet.
Come on.
Come here, Leonard.
Don't let him out of the box.
Whoa!
Lordy, they're fast, ain't they?
And you have no idea
what this is all about.
All Charley said was he wanted
us all here at 7:00
and he'd be
over with a surprise.
This better be good.
I'm missing
a big night at shady pines.
It's the wheelchair
demolition derby.
Can I help you?
I don't know.
My name is biederbeck,
and some messenger
brought me a note
to meet a Charley dietz
here at 7:00.
Claims to be
a former student of mine.
- Harry Weston.
- Come on in.
- Hi, Harry.
- So...
You're a teacher.
No, coach.
George s. Patton
junior high.
Retired.
I got a plate in my head.
Hi, everybody.
- This is Mrs. Koontz.
- Hi.
- Mrs. Koontz...
Coach, you came!
Who are you?
- It's me, Charley.
Remember?
All through junior high
I couldn't climb the rope
so every gym class
you'd stand under me
snapping a towel
until I finally did it.
Just a hot second.
You're red-ass dietz.
Right.
And I still treasure
the lesson you taught me:
Keep trying.
What lesson?
We did that towel thing
just for giggles.
Charley, Charley...
What is all this about?
Well, all of you have done
nice things for me in my life.
Harry, Carol,
you treat me like family.
And, Sophia,
last week at the track,
when you lent me 20 dollars,
that really meant a lot.
I never lent you any 20 dollars.
Actually,
I took it from your purse
when you weren't looking.
Great.
I almost had
my roommate's kneecaps broken.
Hope I can get the deposit back.
And I gave Charley
his first job.
He was the cutest
little delivery boy.
And such a fast learner.
Best job I ever had.
I hope that's who I hope it is.
Who's that?
The one person I could
always count on as a kid,
the person who was
always there no matter what.
Maxwell smart.
- Dietz?
Charley dietz?
- My god.
- You're really here.
Maxwell smart in person.
I'm Charley dietz.
Look, dietz.
My name is Don Adams.
Maxwell smart was merely
a character that I played on TV.
So let's use my real name, okay?
Sure thing, 86.
You know, when I was a kid,
I used to wait
all week for get smart.
You were my best friend.
Don't leave me alone with him.
I'm Carol Weston, Don.
I was quite a fan, too.
In fact, I used
to do an impression of you,
didn't I, daddy?
- Honey, I wouldn't...
- It was rather good.
Everyone said so.
Okay, here it goes.
Sorry about that, chief.
You're gifted.
See?
Yeah. Charley, now, can you
tell us what's going on?
- Okay.
- Everybody sit down.
I'm throwing a party
for all the people who have
enriched me through the years.
I wanna make you guys
as happy as you made me.
- Did you pay my agent?
- Yeah.
I'm happy.
- Okay, everybody.
Listen up.
We're gonna go
to the most wonderful place
in the whole world.
I am not setting foot
in crotch dusters.
This is way better
than crotch dusters.
We're going to mardi gras.
Missed it by that much.
I'm in hell.
We're gonna spend the whole
weekend in New Orleans.
I got the rooms all booked,
I got seven first class tickets,
and the limo's
gonna pick us up in...
Soon.
Charley, do you know
how much this is gonna cost?
Hey, it's not
like I don't have the money.
It'll be great.
Bourbon street, jazz,
transvestites.
- Come on, Harry.
What do you say?
It's important to me.
I mean, okay, Charley.
If... you know,
if that's what you want.
- Great.
What do you say, coach?
Is she going?
I wouldn't miss it.
I got a plate in my head.
- Great. Come on, everybody.
Let's get packed.
- All right.
Here we go.
So, could you say it once?
What?
You know...
"Would you believe."
I didn't say that.
Maxwell smart said that.
I never say that.
Would you believe
I really say that.
Mornin'.
- What? Where?
Get that lizard away from me.
Woo-hoo! You a mite skittish
this mornin'.
Well, that's
only 'cause Godzilla's
running around loose somewhere.
- No, he ain't.
I caught him
in the coffee machine
this mornin'.
Besides, I don't know
what you're so worried about.
Iguanas don't bite anyway.
Ugly can k*ll, too.
There you are.
Mrs. Coover,
what are you...?
Dr. Douglas, this is
my neighbor, Mrs. Coover.
Please, let's
dispense with the pleasantries.
I came to tell you to keep
that cat of yours locked up.
My cat?
My... my cat has passed on.
Well, before he went,
he passed on
something to my siamese.
She had a litter two weeks ago.
Well, I'm not surprised.
Everybody
in the neighborhood knows
that Princess tongue of yours
is nothin' but a tramp.
How do you know it was my cat
what done the deed?
I got proof.
I managed to get rid of all
of the kittens except this one.
People fear it.
My lord,
it is the spittin' image
of general Lee.
Looks more
like the elephant cat.
Beg your pardon?
I said,
that's one hell of a cat.
Mrs. Coover,
could I have the little fellow?
You would actually
take this beast?
How does ten dollars sound?
Can I write you a check?
Hey, there's
nothing like mardi gras.
So everybody had a good time?
- Would you believe?
A great time.
Will you stop that?
Don seemed to enjoy it.
Yeah, that's why
he dumped his gumbo on you.
It was an accident, daddy.
Besides,
he missed me by that much.
Charley, I had
the absolute time of my life.
It was all too magnificent.
And you're much too generous.
And thank you.
This is the real world now.
- Charley.
- Thanks loads.
Son of a g*n, we had big fun
on the bayou.
Wait, I got one last surprise.
Memory books.
Charley.
- Charley, how sweet.
Look, this is great.
Hey, here I am hugging al hirt.
What is this?
"To my good friend Harry,
a true jazz cat.
Al hirt."
You got his autograph.
Charley, that's great.
That's nothing.
I got his trumpet.
And look. Here I am
in the French quarter
telling off
that phony voodoo woman.
And here's a picture of you
turned into a chicken.
Come on.
Charley,
you know, Carol's right.
I mean, it's pretty much
back to the real world.
You still have to figure out
what you're gonna do
with your money.
- What money, Harry?
I spent it on the trip.
No, no. Your inheritance,
the million dollars.
Turns out I never
had a million dollars, Harry.
- What do you mean?
You said you were a millionaire.
Turns out it was
a million Belgian francs.
It's about 30,000 dollars.
And you
blew it all on this trip?
Harry, the money
was making me crazy.
It almost ruined our friendship.
But just to blow it like that.
You've got nothing
to show for your inheritance.
Sure I do.
I got this.
A photo album?
Memories.
Harry, I got
to spend the weekend
with my hero, Maxwell smart.
And I got to do
something really nice
for the people I care about.
Harry, you said you had
the time of your life
at mardi gras.
Well, I did, you know.
Well, then how could
spending that money be wrong
if it made everybody happy?
- You know something, Charley?
That's a better return
than I ever got
on any investment.
You did exactly the right thing.
So I guess...
Well, you learned something
from me, didn't you, Harry?
- Yeah.
You know, I guess.
That kinda makes me sorta like,
a teacher to you, doesn't it?
Yeah, I mean,
in the broadest sense.
A mentor, really.
Someone you can look up to.
Charley.
Take your hand off me.
Stand up.
Go home.
Thanks for the trip.
Carol, I've got
that recipe you wanted.
My god.
Carol?
Can you still read?
06x20 - Charley's Millions
Watch/Buy Amazon
Revolves around Miami pediatrician Dr. Harry Weston, whose life is turned upside down when his wife, Libby, dies and two of his adult daughters move back into the family home.
Revolves around Miami pediatrician Dr. Harry Weston, whose life is turned upside down when his wife, Libby, dies and two of his adult daughters move back into the family home.