07x23 - My Pal Valy-Val

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Harry. What are
you doing?

Packing.

This is a cool watch.

Hey, I can make it
any time I want.

"N" for noon, "s" for six.

Hey, I missed lunch.

No, I didn't.
Yes, I did.

- Just...
Just give me that.

Wow, Harry Weston,

you got your own
brand of underwear?

Those are name tags, Charley.

Come on, Carol sewed them in.

- I get it.
- You're going to camp.

Charley, not camp.

"Wilderness adventure.

"Feel like a man again.

Eagle Springs, Montana."

Hey, I think my niece went
to that camp.

It's not a camp, Charley.

This is about pitting yourself

against the elements,
about survival

and getting in touch
with your manhood.

Harry, word of advice...

You want to get in touch
with your manhood,

wait till
the other campers are asleep.

Hey, Harry, what's all this?

I'm taking
a little vacation, dear.

I-I-I really need
to get away from it all.

What do you
need to get away from?

Daddy!

Run. Run.

Daddy.

I just found out what
I look like naked from behind.

- Please.
- Carol, dear...

Just now when
I was plucking my eyebrows

- and bleaching my mustache...
- Come on, Carol!

I accidentally turned, and
the little mirror I was holding

caught my reflection
door mirror.

My whole body is falling apart.

I ask you...
Whose knees are these?

Don't worry.

In a couple years,
your breasts will cover them.

Carol, honey, it's my cab, dear.

I can't miss the plane.
I got... please, Carol, baby,

can't you find
a friend to talk to?

I got to go.
I love you.

I love you.
See ya.

Whoo-hoo.

Daddy's right.

I've been spending
all my time with him and Scotty.

I need a friend.

I need... I need someone
who can relate to me.

Don't look at me.

I love the way
I look naked from behind.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Whoa.

That was some trip.

I mean, three hours on a mule,

no saddle.

Yeah. I sure would hate
to be your keister tomorrow.

Whoa, well,
this is... this is great.

It's...
It's a tepee.

Home sweet home, doc.

But... but wait a minute.

The brochure
said there were cabins.

Yeah.

Well, we're not through
building those yet.

- Is this too rugged?
- No. Rugged is...

That's okay with me.
I mean, that's what I do.

I mean, I do rugged, yes.

Man.

Name tags?

Yeah.

Well, my daughter Carol sewed...

I mean, it's silly.
- No, no.

That's a good idea, doc.

It'll help identify the body

in case we lose you
in the rapids.

Okay. That's...

My body?

It's just a joke, doc.

Come on, lighten up.

You're here to have fun...

And to test yourself a bit.
- Okay.

- Who knows?
By the end of the week,

you might wind up getting.
The medal of takoo wakan.

The brochure said
I would get a coffee table book.

Yeah. Well, we're
all out of those, doc.

You better get
a good night's rest.

You got a big day tomorrow.

- Okay. Wait. Excuse me.
What do I do about dinner?

Catch it, k*ll it, eat it.

Welcome to eagle Springs, doc.

Whoa, whoa, what's that?

That's a Jeep.

- A Jeep?
You have a Jeep?

Why... why did I ride
six miles on a mule?

You ordered the he-man plan.

- Okay.
- God. I'm so tired.

But this is great.

The air...

It's great.
It's quiet.

Boy.
It's so peaceful.

Yeah.

Charley: Thanks for the lift, guys.

Hey, Harry.

Sure is peaceful
and quiet around here?

How did you get here?

- Come on, Harry.
- Don't be coy.

You showed me that brochure.

You left your credit card
in your dresser drawer.

I can take a hint.

- Good.
Well, here's another hint...

Get out of here, Charley.

I want to be alone.

Come on, Harry,
I've never been to camp before,

except for that one time
my parents sent me to fat camp.

I was the only skinny kid there.

The other kids were so mean.

They pelted me
with carrot sticks,

and they called me names...

Mr. Fast metabolism.

- Charley, leave me alone.
I want to go to bed.

Don't you want to sit
around the campfire

and sing songs?

Good night, Charley.

Tell ghost stories?

Just go to sleep, Charley.

God.

Look, Harry...

It's a bunny.

Go to bed,

or the bunny gets it.

- Hi.
- Good morning.

Listen, office hours
don't start till 9:00,

- but you can just...
- No, no.

I just came by to introduce
myself... I'm Bridget Cahill.

I just opened up
a shop next door.

- Bridget Cahill.
Psychic readings.

Well, how do you do?
I'm lav...

Laverne Todd, yeah.

I read it on your smock.

But I can see
you're getting married soon.

Well, that's 'cause
you saw my engagement...

Ring.

It's at the jeweler's
being sized.

Why, you've got the gift.

It's...

I'm getting something
that makes absolutely no sense.

Something about a grumpy bear...

Laverne, where
the hell's the sugar?

Dr. Douglas, I want you
to meet Bridget Cahill.

She moved in the shop next door.

She can predict the future.

- Big deal.
So can I.

I predict your storefront
will be tagged,

and within two weeks,
you'll be robbed.

Doctor...

Laverne, it's all right.

Some people just don't believe.

Well, they should.

Back in hickory, we had this old
lady dottie Mae Jackson...

Sorry.
I just got ahead of you.

She roller-skated
into town one day.

She proclaimed,
"the horror. The horror."

Two weeks later,

Jake and the fat man
was canceled.

Well, you've made
a believer out of me.

Well, listen,
it was great meeting you.

I better get going.

Well, how about
some parting predictions?

Okay...

Just off the top of my head.

If I were you,

I would not drive
on front street tomorrow.

Okay. I'll take
a different route.

Laverne, please.

And something
about a roof on fire...

My lord.

- Lord, have mercy.
Head for the hills.

The end is near.
The end is near.

- Wait.
One more...

I'm seeing
the words "red nut."

- Pistachio?
- No.

No, just the words
"red nut."

Good morning, ladies of healing.

Who wants to be my friend?

They's your pistachio.

I'm looking for a confidante...

Someone who,
when I'm feeling hopelessly fat,

will say, "it's nothing, Carol.

You're probably
just a little bloated."

Laverne, let's start with you.

I'm feeling kind of fat.

They law, I wish
I could gain some weight.

I can't stand people like that.

Really?

Me too.

Carol, believe me,

if I could,

I would really love
to be your friend, but...

I hate that crap.

You okay, Harry?

Yeah, fine.

Sam says you're the first person

ever to fall off old Daisy.

I did not fall off old Daisy.

She reared
because of a rattlesnake,

and I wisely...

Slid off her back.

Well, you know what Sam says...

Only one of us can be initiated
into the order of the eagle

and win the medal
of takoo wakan.

Charley,
I don't care about the medal.

Don't call me Charley.

My eagle Springs name is...
Little dingo.

You're just jealous

'cause I did
better than you, silverhead.

It's "silver cloud,"
and stop calling me that.

Sam said there'd be dinner
waiting for us here.

This... this...
This must be it here.

What is that?

Hi, bunny.

Now we got something
to play with after dinner.

Charley, the bunny is dinner.

This is from Sam.

"I caught it.
You k*ll it, and you eat it."

He can't be serious.

I'm not gonna k*ll
a little bunny.

That's it.
I'm finished with this joint.

I'm walking out of here.
I'm hiking out.

Come on, little bunny.

You got a reprieve.

Come on, I'll take you home.

Table for one?

Yes, thank you.
I'll be dining alone today.

I'll probably be dining alone
every day.

Hello, little bird...

With your life so simple,

a wealth
of friends surrounding you,

no worries, no cares,
no credit-card bills to pay,

no bikini waxes to schedule.

That I had your life
to sail among the clouds.

My god.

Hey!
What are you doing?

Hey, hey.
Wait.

- No, no.
Leave me alone.

- Wait, lady!
Aah!

- Please give me my purse.
- I can't do that.

You won't let me take you
to the hospital.

You were trying
to k*ll yourself.

I am not going
to leave you alone.

I was not trying to k*ll myself.

You had weights strapped
around your ankles and wrists.

I was jogging.

Look...

I found the note in your purse.

"I have lost
all sense of purpose,

and I can no longer go on."

I think you're reading
way too much into that.

"So I have decided
to end my life."

- Great.
Can I have your liver?

You two look like a couple
of drowned rats.

What the hell happened?

Actually,
it's kind of a funny story.

You want to hear a funny story?

Your kid flushed
your jewelry down the toilet.

Top that one.

Look, you've been a lovely host,

but I really
need to go home now.

Valerie...

You really need
to see a psychiatrist.

That's funny.

- What are you talking about?
- I am a psychiatrist.

Really?

And we never met?

You didn't get too far,
did you, Harry?

That was one mean puddy tat.

It was a bobcat.

You named him?

You're lucky I found you.

It's a good thing
you scream like a woman.

I was not screaming.

I was trying to scare it away.

Well, I don't know, Harry.

If somebody wants to scare me,
they usually yell, "boo,"

not, "please, god.
Don't let him eat me."

Well, looks like somebody
got spanked by mother nature.

Why didn't you tell me
there were bobcats out there?

- You should have seen me, Sam.
I was great.

I saw Harry cornered,

so I pulled a hot dog
out of my back pocket,

threw it down the ravine,
and the cat went right for it.

You had hot dogs?

Well, that's nice work,
little dingo.

That's...
That's an old Indian trick.

Yeah, made famous
by the old Indian chief

rescues with his wienie.

Easy, now, silver cloud.

Stop calling me that.

Yeah, better name
would be screams like squaw.

That's right, pocahontas.

We'll make a real man
out of you yet.

That's it.

Get out of the way.

I've had it with you, pal.

I want my money back right now.

No, no, no, no can do.

Didn't you read the brochure?
It says "no refunds."

Yeah, I read your brochure.

It's a pack of lies.

There are no cabins,
no food, no nothing.

That's good. That's good.

You got a real fire
in your eyes, and I like that.

I think you just earned
the medal of takoo wakan.

That's... that's great,

because if I don't get my money
back right now,

I'm gonna take that takoo

and shove it
so far up your wakan...

They will call you
dances with internal bleeding.

All right.

All right.

I'll drive you into town and
write you out a refund check.

- No.
I want cash.

God. You city guys
are so aggressive.

- Wow.
Harry, you were great.

You know, this wilderness stuff
really brings out the man in you.

- Yeah.
You know something?

I do.
I feel good.

I feel strong.

I hope you feel
strong enough to run,

'cause Sam's
taking off in the Jeep.

Get that...

- I know.
I know I'm late.

Sounds like
someone took front street...

Some skeptic.

Look, I'm cranky enough already.

I didn't have time to pick up
my jumbo java and doughnut.

Well, here...

Have this coffee.

I've got a turnover
right here in the toaster oven.

You are welcome to it.
This'll just fix you right up.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Sit down there.
Take the load off.

Your first patient
doesn't come till...

What's wrong?

I burnt the roof of my mouth.

Roof on fire, roof on fire...

Just like
that psychic lady said!

Did she happen to say

where you'll be working
tomorrow?

Come on, Dr. Douglas,

you got to admit that woman
has been amazingly accurate.

Laverne,
you'd have to be an idiot

to believe that garbage.

Come on, hurry up before
Laverne gets back from lunch.

All right, that'll be $35,
cash up front.

Hey, I don't carry
that kind of money on me.

Yes, you do.

- Okay.
All right.

Now, what's my future?

Give me your hand.

I see a picture

stretching out over the horizon.

Work...

Sleep.

Work, TV, sleep.

Work...

TV, sleep.

Whoa.

That's my future?

Wait a minute.

Okay, okay.
I'm getting something.

Tonight you will meet
a handsome stranger

in a dark alley.

You will not know
each other's names,

but you will be irresistibly
drawn to one another.

You will have
mad, passionate sex

so loud you will wake
the entire neighborhood.

Wow.

And... and afterwards,
you'll...

You'll lick yourself

and pee on a tire.

No. Wait a minute.
That's your cat.

Don't let her out tonight.

Aren't these
Christmas night gowns great?

My sister Barbara
and I wore them

many a yuletide ago.

I hate you.

That's just
what Barbie Barb used to say.

Let me pour you some tea.

Now, we'll just relax,

put our feet up,
and have a little girl talk.

So...

Why were you trying
to k*ll yourself?

Because I knew I'd end up here?

Please, what do I have to do
to get you off my back?

I know.

Let's turn
the therapeutic couch around.

Now, you just get comfortable,

and we'll take
a nice, long journey

to the center of your pain.

Won't that be fun?

Okay.

You asked for it.

I was a lousy psychiatrist.

Lousy psychiatrist?

I could write a book
about lousy psychiatrists.

You were saying?

My patients would be
pouring their hearts out to me,

and I'd be filling page after
page of my notebook with.

"You think
you have problems."

Please, there were days
when I was so hopeless,

I could hardly get out of bed.

- Carol...
- What am I talking about?

Days... I've gone weeks,
months unable to emerge

from the quilted prison
where I lay.

- Carol, can we get back to...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'm back there.

I'm back at the dark place.

No, I need to work my way out.

Would you like to lie down?

Yes, yes, I would like that.

With the dehydrator 2000,

you can dehydrate meat.
You can dehydrate fish.

You can dehydrate bananas.
You can dehydrate tomatoes.

I'm so thirsty.

Valerie!

Valerie!

But wait there's more.

- Valerie!
- Don't take another step.

Valerie, please, wait.

Cat litter?
- You hid my weights.

It was the best I could do
at 5:00 in the morning.

I-I-I thought
we had an understanding.

I cannot believe that
after all I've done for you,

all that I've been through,

that you would
actually do this to me.

- Hey!
I'm committing su1c1de here.

This isn't about you.

What do you mean?

You are
the most self-obsessed person

I have ever met.

How can you say that?

I thought we were friends.

- You don't want a friend.
You want a mother.

I can't be that for you.

Nobody can.

You have to find
that part in yourself,

so you don't have
to put so much weight

on everybody else.

- You're right.
- Thank you.

W-W-Wait a second!

Where are you going?

You helped me.

You just told me
something important,

something I didn't get
in... in 18 years of therapy.

Valerie, please don't make me
tackle you again.

Come on, Valerie.

Give me the kitty litter.

Story of my life...

I bought generic.

I'm k*lling myself,
and I'm saving 23 cents.

Why don't we go home?

I know a good doctor I can call.

In fact, I-I know 30 or 40.

Yeah, why don't we?

Wow, looks like it's gonna be
a beautiful day.

You want to stop
and get some breakfast?

Sure.

- Although I really shouldn't...
I'm feeling so fat.

It's nothing.

You're probably
just a little bloated.

Thank you.

Now what do you see?

I see two men
running through the woods.

What are they doing?

They seem to be chasing a Jeep.

The dumb one
slipped on a hot dog.

Whoa, there's a bobcat.

This is boring.

Go back to o.J.

Marcia Clark has a new hairdo.