Waitress: The Musical (2023)

Musicals/Concerts Movie Collection.

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Waitress: The Musical (2023)

Post by bunniefuu »

[audience murmuring]

[woman] Sugar

-Sugar

-[audience applauding]

-Sugar

-[woman 2] Butter

-Sugar

-Butter

-Sugar

-Butter

-[woman 3] Flour

-Sugar

-Butter

-Flour

["Sugar, Butter, Flour"

harmonizing]

My hands pluck the things

I know that I need

I'll take the sugar

And butter from the pantry

I add the flour to begin

What I am hoping to start

And then it's down

With the recipe

And bake from the heart

Sugar

And butter

And flour

And mother

What's inside?

Everyone wants to know

What's inside?

And I always tell them

But I...

Feel more than words

Can say

You want to know

What's inside?

Simple question, so then

What's the answer?

-My whole life is in here

-What's inside?

-In this kitchen baking

-What's inside?

-What a mess I'm making

-[man] Jenna!

-[upbeat music]

-What's the special pie today?

-Deep sh*t blueberry bacon.

-Deep sh*t?

Dish! Deep dish! Sorry, Cal.

The day starts like

The rest we've seen

Another carbon copy

Of an old routine

-Days keep coming

-One out, one in

They keep coming

Make the coffee strong enough

to chew.

I don't know

What I wish I had

But there's no time now

For thinking things like that

-We've got too much to do

-Too much to do

All these same things

We're always

Opening up

Letting the day in

Over a cup, we'll say

Hello, how you been?

Looking around

Seeing the same things

Every day brings

-Hello, how you been?

-Hello, how you been?

-Thank you

-Thank you

Come again!

Some things never change

Some things Never change

I wouldn't call this place

A happy end

But I've been

'Round the block

And just came back again

A small town like ours

Ain't much

But sometimes home

Is where your ass ends up

-Order up!

-Ordered up is how the day

Will find me

Everything in its place

And timing

I like the way

Most of the days

Look exactly the same

[Cal] Order up

Check the clock

Tick, tick, tock

Don't stop

Serve with a smile

Hurry up

Fill the coffee cup

And then in a while

Take a breath

When you need

To be reminded that with

Days like these

We can only do

The best we can

-Till we do it again

-Come on, move it now

-Opening up

-Hello

-How you been?

-Thank you

-Opening up

-Some things never change

Some things never change

-Hello, how you been?

-Hello, how you been?

-Thank you

-Thank you

Come again!

Some things never change

[applause]

-[bell dings]

-Order up!

-Becky!

-[bell dings]

Come on, Becky, put some hustle

in that bustle.

Cal, does your ass

ever get jealous

of the constant crap that comes

out of your mouth?

Ooh, howdy, Joe. What'll it be?

It's warm in here. I'm warm.

-Okay, I'll let Cal know.

-Let Cal know.

-I'll let Cal know.

-Okay, listen up.

Today, I want a big piece

of your deep dish blueberry

bacon pie

with my scrambled eggs

and toast.

And a tomato on the side

on its own plate.

Okay. No potatoes with that?

Did I say anything

about potatoes?

Where'd you get potatoes from?

Okay, no potatoes. Tomato.

That everything?

No. I also want coffee.

But don't bring that first.

Bring me water first

with the meal

and the coffee after.

Are you okay?

Am I making you sick?

Sorry, I'm just feeling

a tad queasy.

-[piano music]

-You okay, Jenna?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Too much coffee is all.

Avoiding it ain't gonna

make it go away.

-No.

-Hey. Hey. Hey!

-Where the hell y'all going?

-To the beach. Pack us a lunch.

There's no one on the floor!

Am I supposed to put on

a waitress uniform myself?

Hey, whatever floats

your boat, Cal.

Let me remind you

I can fire your ass.

Sorry, Cal, we can't hear you.

The water's running.

Get out here!

I'm only saying it once.

This is the last time

I'm gonna say it!

Dammit.

Hey, I gotta get back

to my table.

Jenna, time to pee on a stick.

Oh, I don't wanna know!

Come on, honey,

You've waited long enough

Get to it and do it

-Okay, girls, enough!

-You know what we mean

I hope you drank

Enough this morning

Come on, sweetie,

It's better to know

We'll be right here

With you, so

It's no or it's yes

But either way,

You gotta take the test

A squat and a squeeze,

A prayer and a please,

It's nothing

A stick and a line

Just one of 'em

If I'm lucky

A pot and a piss,

Here we go, sis

And we'll keep our focus on

The negative

Here. All right,

read the instructions.

-Se puede saber...

-In English!

Oh. Do not insert the test stick

into your vag*na.

Wow. Thank you, Dawn!

How'd I ever

Get myself in this mess?

One drunk night

And that stupid red dress

Oh, I love that red dress.

The way it sparkles

it looks like

an ice skating outfit.

Stay with us, Dawn.

Maybe his machinery

Is broken somehow

What if his boys don't swim?

I mean, wow, miraculous luck.

Yeah, miraculous.

To get away

With an uprotected fu--

Funny how one night can

Ruin your whole life

Don't go there yet

We don't know what

The test says

-I'm already panicked

-Just calm down, goddammit

Maybe it'll all be fine

Maybe there'll be

Just one line

Come on, negative

I thought you don't sleep with

your husband much anymore.

We got drunk. I do stupid things

when I drink.

Like sleep with my husband.

Honey, we've all

made that mistake.

Focus on the negative

This will all be all right

It was only one night

Someone send me a sign

One line, One line

[timer dings]

That means

The test is ready

This is it

[music continues]

-sh*t.

-[music ends]

[applause]

-Honey, are you all right?

-Shh, shh, shh.

I'm inventing a new pie

in my head.

-Sugar

-Of course you are.

I'm gonna call it

I Don't Want Earl's Baby Pie.

I don't think we can write

that on the menu board.

Then I'll just call it

Betrayed By My Eggs Pie.

What's gonna be in it?

cr*ck an egg,

combine with sausage

and soak it in beer,

mix in cheesy red dressing

and add extra shortening

in your crust

to trap the moisture in forever.

Jenna, this ain't something

you can just tuck into a pie.

Hey! Pledge the sorority later!

Y'all don't do your work,

I'll dock your pay.

And, lady, you are really

pushing my buttons today.

Hmm, well, which one is mute?

Waitress!

Who do you have

to know around here to get

a piece of pie?

-Earl

-Hey sweet thing.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Taking the rest of the day off.

What about work?

That friggin' foreman.

So he was on my ass

for being late.

But I told him don't blame

the line at Taco Bell on me.

I don't belong in that sh*t job.

-Where's my kiss?

-Earl, I got to get back

to work.

They can wait.

How we doing today?

Yeah, it's not bad,

but it's not great.

Hey, you know what?

I've been thinking.

I don't think it's worth

you working here at this diner.

-I don't like those girls.

-[slams]

That one looks at me like

I just k*lled her dog.

No, I think I'd rather

have you home

baking me pies all day long.

Oh, damn this is tasty.

Yeah? Last piece left.

It sold so fast today

I couldn't quite believe it.

Oh, don't go getting

a big head or nothing.

I mean, this is good,

but let's face it,

you ain't no Sara Lee.

You used to say my pies

were so good I could open

my own shop.

I was just trying to get laid.

Sugar

My husband's

a jerk chicken pot pie.

Pound chicken

'til it's unrecognizable.

Pack flour quickly.

Use only essential ingredients.

Then simmer without a lid,

allowing the vapor to escape

swiftly from the mixture.

Jenna! Jenna! Jenna!

You're not listening to me!

And you know what? I work hard.

And you want for nothing,

you can't even listen to me.

-[bell ringing]

-I'll work on that, Earl.

Am I imagining it?

Are your boobies getting bigger?

Like they practically grew

a whole size overnight.

[laughs] That's crazy, Earl.

Maybe you're just eating

a little too much pie.

Mm-hmm.

All right, I'm outta here.

Hey, you tell your friends

about this bad boy?

Earl.

In medieval font.

Now don't get too close

'cause the ink is still drying.

Now that must be helpful,

just in case he forgets

who he is.

Jenna, life is a sh*t show.

My left boob is now so much

lower than my right

I'm lucky I don't trip over it.

And I'm married

to Drooling Phil The Invalid

and buying Depends by the bulk.

And Dawn here

has never had a boyfriend

and eats TV dinners

alone every night.

Chicken Kiev on Monday,

veal piccata on Tuesday.

But we still

wouldn't rather be you.

No, we sure wouldn't.

Everybody's got something

they're dealing with.

Don't worry about me.

It'll be fine.

Yeah, some father

Earl's gonna be.

Look, hon,

don't hold yourself to vows

and promises you made

when you were too young to know

who the hell he really was!

Earl wasn't always like this.

He's just going through

a rough time is all.

What's the shelf life

on that excuse.

I couldn't even afford

to leave him now.

[gasps] You can move in with me.

It's a studio,

but I have a full size twin.

That's real sweet, Dawn,

but I have a baby coming.

Jenna, dust the flour

out of your brain.

Do that baby a favor

and leave his sorry ass.

-He'd never let me.

-Honey, it's not up to him.

Okay, look, I got 14 pies

to make that ain't gonna

bake themselves.

-Jenna!

-Life's Just Peachy

Peachy Keen pie.

-Jenna!

-Where There's A Whisk

There's A Way pie.

Oh, Lord

Make it work

Make it easy

Make it clever

Craft it into pieces

Make it sweet

Crimp the edges

Or make it sour and serve

With lemon wedges

Even doubt

Can be delicious

And it washes off

Of all the dirty dishes

When it's done I can smile

It's on someone else's

Plate for a while

I'll place it on display

And then I'll slice

And serve my worries away

I can fix this

I can twist it

Into sugar butter

Covered pieces

Never mind

What's underneath it

I have done it before

I'll bake me a door

To help me get through

I learned that

From you, Mama

It's amazing

What baking can do

[vocalizing]

Make it up

And surprise them

Tell them all my secrets

But disguise them

So they dance

On the tongues

Of the very people

That they're secret from

Make it soon

Make it better

Though better never

Lasts forever

I'll make it small

So it fits

Even this

Even now

Even as the walls

come tumbling down

Even as I can't stop

Remembering how

Every door we ever made

We never once walked out

Something I never

Got the chance

To ask her about

So with flour

On my hands

I'll show them all how

g*dd*mn happy I am...

Sugar, butter, flour

Don't let me down

Let's see the next

Amazing thing

Baking does now

-[music ends]

-[applause]

[upbeat music]

-Knock, knock

-Knock, knock

-Who's there?

-Who's there?

-Knocked up

-Knocked up who?

-You there

-Join us

Mrs. Hunterson,

the doctor will see you now.

Welcome to Club Knocked Up

-Knock, knock

-Who's there?

-Precious

-Precious who?

Precious little parasite

Who set its sight on you

Dream come true

Welcome to Club Knocked Up

Welcome to Club Knocked Up

[knocks]

Hello. Mrs. Bunterson?

Hunterson. Who are you?

I'm your doctor?

I'm Doctor Pomatter.

You brought a pie?

Gah, you know, I've only been

in town a few weeks

I'm already-- I am--

I am so impressed

with the genuine hospitality

of the place.

You're not my doctor.

Lily Perkins is my doctor.

This pie is for her.

It's her favorite.

Mermaid Marshmallow.

I am sorry to say

she's not seeing any patients.

She is semi-retired now.

What?

Long story. Making it short.

I'm the junior doctor on staff.

I am from Connecticut.

I just moved here two weeks ago.

-Are you bored yet?

-Yes. No.

I'm so sorry. Anyway,

if you're not comfortable

having me as your doctor...

that's fine.

My feelings will not be hurt.

You can just go

and you can get yourself another

gynecologist in the area.

But Dr. Perkins delivered me.

She's been my doctor forever.

I really like and trust her.

Maybe you can really like

and trust me, too?

It doesn't happen that fast,

but I'll try.

Okay. Okay, that's good.

I'm your doctor.

-It's nice to meet you,

Mrs. Bunterson.

-Hunterson.

Hunterson.

So what seems to be the problem?

-Well, I seem to be pregnant.

-Well, hey, that's good.

It's great. It's good for you.

Congratulations.

Thanks, but I don't want

this baby.

Okay. I can refer you

to a doctor who performs--

No, no, no. I'm keeping it.

Not that I judge that.

I'm just telling you

I'm not so happy about it

like everybody else might be,

so maybe you could be sensitive

and not congratulate me

and make a big deal every time

you see me.

I'm having the baby,

that's that.

It's not a party, though.

Not a party.

-[knock on door]

-Yes?

Excuse me, Doctor.

Mrs. Flannigan

wants to talk to you

about doulas before she leaves.

-Doulas?

-Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I have no idea

what that is.

No, come on. I'm only joking.

Of course I know what that is.

-Mm-hmm.

-[mouths]

And here are Mrs. Hunterson's

blood test results.

Well...

un-congratulations.

You're definitely having a baby.

Well, un-thank you.

Do you have any concerns?

You know, do's and don'ts?

Exercise or sex?

Don't really do much of either.

Okay. Here's your prescription

for your pre-natal vitamins.

Nurse Norma is just gonna

give you a list of the good

and the bad foods.

That's just like caffeine

and alcohol and et cetera.

It's very nice--

[applause]

it's very nice

meeting you, Jenna.

I'm gonna--

I'm gonna see you again,

you know,

in three weeks.

-I do have one question.

-Yeah. Yeah, sh**t.

How pregnant am I?

Very.

I mean, there's really

only one degree of pregnancy,

so to speak.

No, no. [laughs]

I mean how far along? [laughs]

You're eight weeks,

Give or take.

Okay, so I don't start showing

for a while, right?

-Right.

-Good, then I have

a little time.

Although it is quite

beautiful, you know,

-when a woman's body begins to--

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Dr. Pomatter?

-Yeah?

I'm gonna give you this pie.

Oh, that looks

absolutely delicious.

I am off sugar

It actually causes

leptin resistance,

chromium deficiency,

decreased longevity.

My mama used to say

you can live to be 100

if you give up all

the things that make you

want to live to be 100.

Well the longer

you're away from sugar

the less you crave it.

I haven't had a piece of pie

in years.

Really?

Life's hard enough.

[upbeat music]

[dreamy music]

[applause]

-[music ends]

-Listen, Cal,

we had ketchups out there

yesterday half-empty

and we all know,

the fuller the condiments,

the fuller the experience.

I am so sorry. I'll make sure

it never happens again.

Thank you, Dawn.

I'll sleep tonight.

-You're late.

-I'm sorry.

The bus driver was half asleep.

Why doesn't your damn husband

buy you a car already?

Because he doesn't want me

going nowhere.

And you!

Late again!

You're inches away

from being fired, lady.

Okay, then fire me.

Okay I will.

Okay, then do!

[western music]

[applause]

So how was the doc?

Ugh, fine. It was fine.

New doctor. A man.

A man? Wow. He single?

Maybe he'd be good for Dawn.

What? Oh... [snort laughs]

No, no, no.

I think he had a ring on.

Nice guy.

Nervous. From Connecticut.

Connecticut? What the hell

is he doing here?

-I have no idea.

-Girl, park it for a minute.

We bought you something.

-Not you.

-Oh.

-A present.

-That is so sweet.

You shouldn't have.

What a Mama You're Gonna Be.

I researched

all the best baby books

and this one was so sweet.

Look here.

there's a place to write

your first letter to your baby.

"Dear baby"

That's really great.

Now we know you didn't

initially have a strong...

happiness about this pregnancy,

but she is coming anyway.

Oh, well, we don't know

it's a she.

I mean, it could be an alien.

Now you're not getting

any more affectionate toward

this little baby?

-Not at all?

-Not everyone wants

to be a mama, Dawn.

That doesn't make me

a bad person.

Can I interest the book club

in some coffee

and a slice

of Sit On Your Ass pie?

Oh, that's a good one, Cal.

And you know, I love

what you've done with your hair.

Tell me, how'd you get it

to come out your nostrils

like that?

-Opening up!

-Mm-hmm.

So did you tell Earl yet?

It didn't come up.

Hey, Dawn, did you finish

writing your profile yet?

We're not done talking

about you.

I think we are. Dawn?

Um, I'm still writing it.

You have been writing it

for weeks.

Well, there's just not enough

space to complete a compelling,

yet thorough, honest,

description of myself.

Okay, well, why don't you

run what you got by us?

Go ahead, honey.

Let's hear it. Come on.

[clears throat]

Ecstatically alive,

fervently organized,

dynamic and witty,

I am a woman of many passions

including a rare

turtle collection.

I love the History Channel.

-Oh, now that's nice.

-Oh, note.

I have played Betsy Ross

in 33 Revolutionary w*r

reenactments.

Okay, well that'll set you

apart from the crowd.

Oh, well, I'm calling myself

NewDawnRising.

-Too much?

-No, no, no.

-Post it tonight!

-No, this is a mistake.

Dawn, this is your one

and only life.

I stick with real things

Usually facts And figures

When information's

In its place

I minimize

The guessing game

-Guess what?

-[both] What?

I don't like

Guessing games

Or when I feel things

Before I know the feelings

How am I supposed to

operate

If I'm just tossed around

By fate?

Like on an unexpected date

With a stranger

Who might talk too fast

Or ask me questions

About myself

Before I've decided that

He can ask me

Questions about myself

He might sit too close

Or call the waiter

By his first name

Or eat Oreos

But eat the cookie

Before the cream

But what scares me the most



What scares me the most

Is what if When he sees me

What if he doesn't like it?



What if he runs

The other way

And I can't hide from it?

What happens then

If when he knows me

He's only disappointed?

What if I give myself away

To only get it given back?

I couldn't live with that

How do you live with that?

So I'm just fine inside

My shell-shaped mind

This way I get

The best view

So that when he sees me

I want him to

Dawn, don't you think

you're being a little--

-I mean, just a tad--

-I'm not defensive

I'm simply being cautious

I can't risk

Reckless dating

Due to

My miscalculating why

A certain suitor

Stands in line

I've seen in movies,

Most made for television

You cannot be too careful

When it comes

To sharing your life

I could end up

A miserable wife

Sorry girls. But he could

be criminal

Some sort of psychopath who

Escaped from an institution

Somewhere where

They don't have girls

He could have masterminded

Some way to find me

He could be colorblind,

How untrustworthy is that?

He could be less than kind

Or even worse

He could be very nice

Have lovely eyes

And make me laugh

Come out of hiding

What do I do with that?

Oh, God

What if when he sees me

I like him

And he knows it?

What if he opens up a door

And I can't close it?

What if you only open up

What happens when

If when he holds me

My heart is set in motion?

I'm not prepared for that

I'm scared of breaking open



But still I can't help

From hoping

To find

Someone to talk to

Who likes the way I am

Someone who when he sees me



Wants to again

[applause]

[bell ringing]

Do y'all plan to work today

or do you expect folks

to serve themselves?

Works for me.

I don't think I invited

anyone for breakfast.

Scoot! Vamoose! Skadoodle!

All right.

-Becky.

-What?

Old Joe's in your section.

Kinda owns the place.

Uh-uh, I can't deal

with him today.

Oh, drop two menus

at table three. I got him.

You're a trooper.

-Hiya, Joe.

-It's warm in here.

-I'm warm. Turn the air on.

-I'll tell Cal, hon.

They keep all my businesses

too warm.

My gas station. My supermarket.

My laundromat. My diner.

I will not tolerate it

being too damn warm.

I hear you, Joe.

Okay listen up.

Today I want the special

Betrayed By My E--

Betrayed By My Eggs pie?

And a tomato on the side

on its own plate.

-That everything?

-No, I also want orange juice.

But don't bring that first.

Bring the water first.

Bring the OJ with the meal.

Now listen to my horoscope

before you skadoodle away.

"Aquarius. Smooth sailing today

as Mars enters

your inner circle."

Whatever the hell that means.

Oh! "The ones you love

will listen carefully

to you today,

so make sure you're careful

with what you say."

I don't have ones I love.

You want to hear yours?

I'm Aquarius too, hon.

And I don't have ones

I love either.

Just ones I live with.

You got something in the oven

other than a pie?

What?

You got a bun in the oven?

-Shh, quiet.

-Yeah, I've seen that look

on a woman before.

Her name was Annette.

I made sweet love to her

all through the summer of 1948.

She got that same sick look

on her face like you had

all through the fall.

Almost married her right up.

She lost the baby, though.

[laughs] Close call.

When you due?

Hey, Joe, I don't want Cal

to hear you.

Ooh, look here,

the National Pie Bake Off

is in Springfield this year.

Last year's winner,

Eunice Kevesdy,

spent her prize money on an RV

with a convection oven.

You should enter.

Oh come on, Joe.

My pies are good,

but I'm no Sara Lee.

Prize money's $20,000.

Sugar

Sugar, butter, flour

Jumping Without A Net

Bottomless pie.

Ah!

Pillows of the softest meringue

topped with ribbons

of strawberry cream.

-No crust.

-[camera clicks]

Getting Out Of The Mud mud pie.

Generous scoops of mocha

almond ice cream...

-Uh, hello.

-...topped with bittersweet

chocolate morsels...

-Mrs. Hunterson?

-...and slivered almonds.

-Mrs. Hunterson?

-Dr. Pomatter.

-Hi.

-Hi.

What are you doing here?

My car wouldn't start

this morning.

I took the bus.

Forgot how much I love buses.

Do you always take the bus?

Tuesday nights my husband goes

out drinking with the boys.

Oh, nice. For him.

That you let him.

Yeah. [laughs]

I love Tuesdays.

Where do you live?

Stanton Grove.

Oh, gosh, it's nice over there.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sure, if you like trees.

You know.

No, I mean,

who doesn't like trees?

You mind if I sit down?

No, not at all.

[crickets chirping]

-So, you're a waitress?

-Yeah, I'm a waitress.

Ah. Where do you work?

A little place

off of Highway 27.

Joe's Pie Diner.

We serve 27 different

varieties of pie.

Wow. That sounds like

a virtual pie factory.

No, I make all the pies

fresh every morning.

Breakfast pies and lunch pies

and a special new pie

I invent every day.

Wait, did you make

that marshmallow pie

that you gave me?

Yes, I did.

Mermaid Marshmallow.

I invented it with my mom

when I was nine years old.

In my mermaid phase.

That was probably the best pie

that I have tasted

in my entire life.

[laughs] You tried it?

[gasps] Well, I won't tell

your doctor.

No. No, seriously.

It was biblically good.

This is how good that was.

That pie could win contests

and ribbons and things.

What a thing to say.

I am so sorry.

That was a compliment.

No, I know.

That's why it made me

uncomfortable.

Oh, God. No, you're blushing.

Nope, nope,

shouldn't have said that.

No, you know, it's kinda funny.

[upbeat music]

It's just seeing you

sitting here in your uniform.

You remind me of a girl

I once knew

God by now,

She's well in middle age

Probably 41 or 42

Thank you.

Oh, my God. No, no, no.

She was a waitress.

At a shop I used

To frequent quite a lot

Nice teeth And small hands

And snuck me goodies

I couldn't afford then

She was sweet to me

Reminds me of you

oh, nobody ever really

notices me that way.

Somebody did, right?

No, because you've got the whole

baby thing going on.

She'd bake the pies

Fresh every day

Like you, I guess,

But I must say

If pies were books

Yours would be

Shakespeare's letters

You remind me of her,

But better

It only takes a taste

When it's something special



It only takes a taste

When you know it's good

Sometimes one bite

Is more than enough

To know you want more

Of the thing you just got

A taste of

That reminds me

Of a thing we would say

Me and my mama

In the kitchen

When we'd bake

She'd say, "Jenna

You can tell the whole

story With a taste"

Yeah, no,

That's exactly what I mean

I swear that as the flavors

Mixed and melted

I could hear the sirens

sing

It was truly something

special One taste

And I want the whole thing

I must say

It felt like

I got carried away

Intoxicated

Made me escape

The room I was in

I can't help but wonder

How your hands

Must have felt

Creating

Such a masterful thing

Just one bite

Caused all that

Wondering?

It only takes a taste

It only takes a taste

When you know it's good

Sometimes one bite

Is more than enough

To know you want more

Of the thing you just got

A taste of

-[bus pulls up]

-Oh, there's my bus.

[chuckles]

it was nice talking

with you, Dr. Pomatter.

Yeah, Jenna,

give me a call anytime.

I'm here.

For all your questions

and concerns.

Good to know, Dr. Pomatter.

-[music continues]

-[applause]

[toolbox slams]

Earl, hey. It's Tuesday night.

What are you doing home

so early?

Well thanks to

my assh*le foreman

it looks like you are gonna

be seeing me home a lot.

[laughs] This dude says I'm late

one too many times and...

fires me.

But I told him

you can take this toolbox

and shove it up your ass

'cause I don't even want

this g*dd*mn job.

Then--

then he calls me arrogant!

Me? Arrogant?

No, see, now that loser

has been waiting

to stick it to me

since high school.

-Earl, I'm sorry.

-Don't feel sorry for me.

Don't feel sorry for me.

I am fine!

I am celebrating.

Well...

looks like you the one

that's gonna be

paying the bills

around here now.

How'd we do today?

What, are you sh1tting me?

-That can't be all you earned.

-It was a slow day.

Maybe you need to move

a little faster.

Where's my kiss?

No, come here.

Kiss me like you mean it.

Oh, Earl, I'm sorry.

I'm not feeling so good today.

Well, you feel all right to me.

Come on, baby.

Take my bad day away.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Let me get you something to eat.

Oh, I've brought

some leftovers from work.

Chicken pot pie.

You think I don't see

what you're doing?

Do you think that I am stupid?

-No.

-No?

No, Earl.

I know you had a hard day.

I thought maybe some warm pie

would make you--

-I'm not f*ck' hungry!

-Earl, calm down.

Calm down? I'll show you calm.

Earl!

I'm pregnant!

What?

Well, when-- when the hell

were you gonna tell me?

Well, I--

I know you've were under

a lot of pressure.

And I was waiting

for the right time.

Well, you have great timing!

I'm sorry. Earl, I'm sorry.

No wonder you've been looking

so tired all the time.

Huh.

Hey, come here.

Oh, my God.

Come here.

Come here. Come sit down here.

Careful.

Oh, you--

you little butterball!

[laughs]

Well, how do you like that?

I'm-- I'm gonna have a baby?

Little Earl Junior.

The legend lives on!

Wait a minute.

What happens if you decide

to love the baby

more than you love me?

Hey, listen, women do it now.

They do it all the time.

They have a baby

and then it's just to hell

with the man.

You're jealous of the baby?

No. I don't get jealous.

That is below me.

I'm just talking it out.

I'm talking out my feelings.

Maybe I just need you

to make me a little promise

that you won't go loving

that baby more than you love me.

-Okay.

-Yeah, but you say I promise.

-Earl, I said okay.

-Hey.

Hey.

I need this from you.

It's you and me first, right?

That's the way it's always been.

[rock guitar music]

Remember my clean shave

Back in our old days

When we were just kids

I had my six-string

And you had Your own thing

Though I don't remember

What it is

I wrote you love songs

And you liked that sad one

So I played it all the time



What was that one line?

Something about sunshine

I sang it every night

Where the sun don't shine

No, that is not how

that song went.

When the sun won't shine

That's not it either.

What was it, baby?

Till the sun don't shine

You will still be mine

That's right.

Man what a whirlwind

And so much is happening

And mostly to me

Yeah

We've come such a long way

No turning back now, babe

You're my family

Now promise me.

Till the end of time

These are ties that bind

Come on, sing it, honey.

Till the sun don't shine

You will still be mine

[music continues]

[applause]

[music ends]

Honey, is it my imagination

or is my left boob drooping

down even lower today?

Oh, Lord.

I'm starting to feel like

something Picasso woulda made.

How'd you do?

Between Mr. Frugalman

on table five

and "Hey,

I'll Get You Next Time"

on table seven,

not great.

Thinking about picking up

some extra shifts.

Are you crazy?

You work hard enough already.

Oh, what is this

doing next to the cinnamon?

-Oh, I was looking for that.

-Uh-huh.

You can't write your baby

a letter from the spice rack.

-I'm not much

of a letter writer.

-Are you okay?

[Dawn whimpering]

I'm having

a small anxiety att*ck.

I got a message on my profile.

Girl, you've been sitting

on this news all day?

He calls himself

OKCWithABullet, 32.

Has all his hair, kind smile,

loves poetry, Pavarotti

and puzzles.

-He sounds perfect!

-Look at you.

They're already lining up.

Take a number.

Yeah. [laughs]

Oh, dear, it's happening.

[laughs]

It's really happening.

I made a five-minute date

with him tonight.

[both] Five minutes?

Well, this way

if it's a disaster

I can get back in time

for History's Mysteries.

Okay, now, Dawn,

you are such a natural beauty,

but 'cause it's such

a special occasion,

would you let me put just

a tad of makeup on you

and perhaps...

pull that pony down...

just for one night?

Well, it is important

-to make a good

first impression.

-[squeals]

Jenna, may I ask you to make

your Meet Your Dream Chocolate

Cream pie to take to him?

I will make you

a really special one.

One like my mama used to.

You wouldn't think all

the ingredients would go

together, but they do.

What's going to be in it?

I'm going to switch

the chocolate...

from bittersweet

to creamy milk...

and add a touch

of passion fruit.

Oh, my God!

[laughs]

And then I'll mix in

something that will make

the impossible possible.

Some exotic spice

that will make you see clearly

before it's too late.

What is going on with you, girl?

You know that pie contest

that's coming to Springfield?

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna find a way

to save some money to go

there and enter it.

Now that's the first thing

you've said that's made any

sense in a very long time.

And if a miracle happens

and I win it,

I'm gonna take that prize money

and I'm gonna...

You're gonna leave Earl.

Yeah.

And just run away from here.

Wow.

Honey, you can leave Earl

without running away from here.

It's not that easy.

Well, all right.

You go ahead.

Get yourself a little pie shop

somewhere.

Somewhere people could really

use a little pie shop.

Like Europe.

Or New Jersey.

Jenna's Pie Palace.

Jenna's Pastry Heaven.

Jenna's Pie In The Sky.

Sugar

Come on, honey.

We're not playing.

Sugar, butter

-Flour

-[blows]

Sometimes I still see her

My mother the dreamer

She'd say nothing's

Impossible child

A dream needs believing

To taste like the real

thing

Like some stranger

You recognize

So pure

So pure, so electric

So sure

So sure, so connected

To those little believers

Inside

May we all be

So lucky

But dreams are elusive

The kind

We've gotten used to

Is nothing I can feel

-Nothing I can hold

-Nothing I can have

Nothing that I know

Dreams come and they go

But hold them

And keep them

But hold them

And keep them

And know that you need them



And know that

You need them

When your breaking point's

All that

You have

A dream is a soft place

To land

May we all be

So lucky

[gasps]

Oh, look what you did.

You made me almost pretty.

Almost pretty? You're beautiful.

What the hell

did y'all put in that pie?

I gonna leave before I die

of estrogen asphyxiation.

Don't forget to turn out

the lights.

[clicks]

[chuckles]

Who are you

putting on lipstick for?

You dolling up

for the diaper change?

[laughs] Well...

maybe I got a little secret.

-Maybe I'm doing

a little dreaming, too.

-What?

-I can't tell you yet.

-Why not?

Bye-bye, Dawn.

Now don't do anything

I haven't done.

Get yourself

a five-minute condom.

-Becky!

-[laughs]

Adios, ladies.

[laughing]

You are the queen of

kindness and goodness.

May we all be

So lucky

[music picks up]

[applause]

[crashes]

Hiya, handsome. What'll it be?

Oh, you're so lovely,

but no, I don't want you

as my waitress.

No. I want her.

I want that lady right there.

I'm so sorry, hon,

but you're sitting

in my station.

But I don't want you.

I want her.

Well, I do like a man

who knows what he wants.

Is she a good friend of yours?

What can you tell me about her?

What are her likes

and her dislikes?

And does she have

any food allergies

or pollen sensitivities?

Excuse me, darling.

I'm gonna go talk to Dawn

for a minute,

see if she won't

tell you herself.

That would be wonderful.

-I thought you'd like that.

-I do. I do.

Dawn!

There is a man at table five

on a mission with your name

on it.

His name is Ogie.

Short for Oklahoma.

He's OKCwithaBullet!

Ahh!

He's an amateur magician,

does competitive clog dancing

and only eats white food

on Wednesdays.

-He told me we were soulmates.

-Girl!

I made the mistake

of telling him I work here.

Oh, I don't know, Dawn.

I think it sounds like

he's got potential.

He took me through

the entire medical

and psychiatric history

of his whole family.

Oh, he's laying it

all on the table.

I just wanted

a quiet first date.

Stimulating conversation.

First man who ever shows

any interest in me

and he turns out to be

a mad, clogging elf.

-[slams]

-[gasps]

I'm telling you, Jenna,

that magic love pie

was too good.

I should never

have brought it with me.

I don't think

it was the pie, Dawn.

I think it was you.

-Come with me.

-I would, but I gotta go pee.

Is anyone gonna take

the elf's order?

Would you shut up, Cal?

That happens to be

OKCwithaBullet!

Cue DawnRising.

-No.

-[whispering]

-Okay, just open

this up a little bit.

-Becky, no!

Hello, good morning. Hello.

I told you I didn't want

to see you again.

May I take your order?

I'll have an egg white omelet

with cottage cheese

and a side of mayonnaise.

I have very exquisite taste.

What kind of toast with that?

White or wheat?

Why am I even asking?

It's Wednesday!

You see? We already know

each other so intimately.

-[bell rings]

-You don't know me.

I do.

You're NewDawnRising.

Easily misunderstood,

but I see your true beauty.

Normally I wouldn't do this.

Actually, I've never done this.

But that five minutes,

it felt like a whole 15

and I am certain we're meant

to be together.

I don't even know you.

I'm a tax auditor.

I drive a very nice

subcompact Toyota Yaris.

And I love my mother.

What else do you need

to know about me?

Your dessert order.

I'll have a slice

of the White Knuckle Cream Pie.

With or without whipped cream?

You choose.

I trust you implicitly.

But if you do choose

to have whipped cream,

I would love it on the side,

not touching the pie.

I hate it when it

touches the pie.

No, it soggies the crust.

Yeah, and you can't control

the whipped cream...

[both] ...to pie ratio

to create the perfect bite.

[snort laughs]

Oh, there's that laugh.

That intoxicating laugh.

[gasps] Dawn, you inspire

poetry in me.

[moans] I'm making one up.

I'm making one up here

right here on the spot

and here it comes.

All of my life

I've loved turtles.

And you, Dawn, are the queen.

Da, da, da, da, da.

Da, da, da, da, da.

And something in between.

I'm gonna work on

the middle section.

I am. You like that one,

don't you, Dawn?

Please just take your mixed

bouquet and leave.

-Just leave!

-Dawn.

I will never

Let you let me leave

I promise I'm not lying

Go ahead ask anybody

Who has seen me trying

I'm not going

If it seems like I did I'm

probably waiting outside

Such a stubborn man

You'll likely never

Meet another

When we have our family

dinner You can ask my mother

She's the best

You'll learn more about her

On our family history test

I'm gonna do this right

Show you I'm not moving

Wherever you go

I won't be far to follow

Oh, gonna love you so

You'll learn what

I already know

I love you means

You're never ever ever

Getting rid of me

You can try

Oh, but I

I love you means

You're never ever ever

Getting rid of me

-Ready for your check?

-Not quite!

Pie for--

-pie for everybody!

-[cheers]

I grew up an only child

In a suburb of the city

Spent my days alone my only

Friend was a stray kitty

-Called Sardine

-Sardine

I thought it was hilarious

To call a cat a kind of fish

She played hard to get

Hissing while

She scratched me

What she was trying to say

Was "Ogie, come and catch me

I learned quickly

That her perseverance

Stood between a cat

And her New best friend me

Oh, I'm gonna

Do this right

Show you I'm not moving

Wherever you go

I won't be far to follow

Oh, gonna love you so

You'll learn what

I already know

I love you means

You're never ever ever

Getting rid of me

When you say never...

You can try

Oh, but I

I love you means

blah, blah, yip, yap.

Get back to work!

Oh

You can try

Oh, but I

I love you means

You're never ever ever

Getting rid of me

-[music ends]

-[applause]

You can try

Oh, but I

I love you means

You're never ever ever

Getting rid of me

[applause]

[inhales]

[wheezing]

[coughs]

[inhales]

So I'll pick you up

Sunday at seven?

Maybe?

Maybe!

There's a reading

at Rainard Park

of the Federalist Papers.

How'd you know about that?

I played Paul Revere

in 42 Revolutionary w*r

reenactments.

40 times technically I was

the standby Revere,

but two times the Paul was out,

I went on.

And I played it.

[laughs] I did, I played it.

I got injured once, through.

I had a bayonet issue.

And it was real, real bad

and I fell off my horse

and my spleen was removed.

So it's--

One if by land, two if by sea.

And I, on the opposite shore,

will be.

[both sigh]

[marching drumbeat]

[applause]

The elf and the turtle.

An epic romance.

Sugar

It Almost Makes You

Believe Again pie.

Reach for an ingredient

long forgotten

in the back of your cupboard.

Like poppy seeds.

Something you bought

but forgot you had.

-Throw in gingersnaps...

-[snaps fingers]

...and tapioca

till they combine unexpectedly.

And mix it with all

your questions and concerns.

-[bell dings]

-Hi. Is Dr. Pomatter there?

Jenna Hunterson.

I'm his patient.

-[Cal rings bell]

-Hey.

Hi, Dr. Pomatter.

Listen, I'm sure it's nothing,

but you said to call with

any questions or concerns.

This morning, um,

I'm bleeding a little bit.

No. No. It's very very light.

Come in to see you?

Tomorrow morning?

You're open at 7:00 AM?

Excuse me,

but I've got a short stack

of perfectly round

meticulously made, once warm,

buttermilk blueberry pancakes

to take to table six

because even though I'm pregnant

I'm working, Dr. Pomfritter!

Hey, listen, Doc,

while I've got you on the line,

between you and me,

I have a bit of a gas issue.

Yeah, I tried that.

Made it worse.

It cleared the room.

-[knocks]

-Yes. Yes.

-Hello? Hi.

-Hi. Hi.

-Where is everybody?

-No one's here yet.

I came in a little early

to see you.

Oh. OKay.

Oh, here. I brought you

some Believe Again

Poppy Seed Pocket pies.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Um, so, you know,

we spoke on the phone

and you said that

the bleeding was very mild?

-Yes.

-Has that stopped?

Yeah. I only saw it

the one time.

Oh, good. You're fine.

Oh, my God!

Well, aren't you

going to examine me?

No. No.

No need.

This is unbelievably delicious.

I mean, delicious is not

even a good enough word

for what it is.

What you do with food,

it is unearthly.

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

Then am I okay?

I mean, there's nothing's

wrong with me?

Oh, God, no, no, no.

Nothing's wrong with you.

Look, light spotting

is a perfectly

normal symptom

in early pregnancy.

Holy sh*t.

Is that everything

you have to say?

-No.

-Well, what?

Nothing.

[clears throat]

You can-- you can go.

I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna go ahead

and I'm gonna see you

at your next regularly

scheduled appointment.

Don't hesitate to call

if you have any--

-Questions or concerns.

-Any and all.

Wait, wait, wait.

Why did you have me come

all the way here

if spotting

is a perfectly normal symptom

in early pregnancy?

I had to get up early

and take a bus and walk

five blocks

just to hear that spotting

is a perfectly normal symptom?

I have no response to that.

What time does this office

normally open, Doctor?

-8:30?

-9:00.

9:00? You came in here

two hours early

to tell me that spotting

is a perfectly normal symptom

in early pregnancy?

It seems that way, yes.

-Goodbye, Dr. Pomatter.

-Bye, Jenna.

You know what?

I think you're strange.

And I'm not sure I want you

to be my doctor anymore.

-You make me uncomfortable.

-No, Jenna, no. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I will not do it anymore.

Look, whatever it is that I do,

you should not be uncomfortable

during this time.

-You're doing it again!

-Wait, what did I do?

I don't know, you know,

it's the nice guy

talky thing you do.

You just-- forget it.

Jen--

Uh, Jenna, you forgot your--

[applause]

-Oh, sh*t!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-What do you want?

-I want to see you again.

I want to talk to you

somewhere outside of here.

Can we have coffee together

or something?

I can't have coffee.

It's on the bad food list

you gave me.

What kind of doctor are you?

[upbeat music]

It's a bad idea Me and you

Yeah, no, I totally agree.

It's a bad idea Me and you

And I have never known

Anything so true

It's a terrible idea

Me and you

You have a wife

And you have a husband

You're my doctor

You've got a baby coming

It's a bad idea Me and you

Let's just keep kissing

Till we come to

Heart stop racing,

Let's face it

Making mistakes Like this

Will make worse what

Was all ready pretty bad

Mind stop running

It's time we just

Let this thing go

It was a pretty good

Bad idea

Wasn't it, though?

It's a bad idea Me and you

It's a bad idea Me and you

Hold me close

While I think this through

Yeah, it's a very poor idea

Me and you

Heart stop racing,

Let's face it

Making mistakes like this

Will make worse what was

Already pretty bad

Mind stop running

It's time we just

Let this thing go

It was a pretty good

Bad idea

Wasn't it, though?

I know

What's right for me

It's the only thing

-I've ever done

-I've ever done

What if I never see myself

Ever be

Anything more than what

I've already become

I need a bad idea

I need a bad idea

I need a bad idea

I need a bad idea

Just one

Heart keep racing,

Let's make mistakes

Let us say so what

And make worse what was

Already pretty bad

This secret is safe

No reason To throw it away

When there's love

To be had

Hold me tight

As I tell myself

That you might make sense

And make good what

Has been just so bad

Let's see this through

It's a pretty good

Bad idea

-Me and you

-Me and you

[applause]

-[music ends]

-[applause]

[upbeat music]

Sugar

Sugar

I Wanna Play Doctor

With My Gynecologist pie.

[laughs] Vanilla custard.

Drizzled with warm

melted caramel.

And nuts.

Totally nuts.

Topped with honey-kissed

whipped cream and banana.

Hold the banana.

-Wake the hell up!

-[alarm bell rings]

I Can't Have An Affair

Because It's Wrong

and I Don't Want Earl

to k*ll Me pie.

Add cold water

to chocolate stirrups.

I mean syrup.

Pour into a truly flakey crust.

Don't over bake,

could explode at any minute.

[tray crashes]

Oh, my God!

I didn't see anything.

I just need to find a place

to throw up.

Look, Jenna, it just happened.

Cal? Cal?

Well, he's got such

nice strong hands.

All right, I wasn't looking

for it, it was an accident.

An affair is not an accident.

Dropping a tray is an accident.

Cal didn't just trip

into your va-jay-jay.

What?

[applause]

Look, I'm just having me

a little adventure

after years and years

of lots of nothing.

It was getting so quiet down

there you could hear an echo.

What about your husband?

My husband wears Pampers,

curses constantly,

and sleeps in a separate room.

Well, why don't you

just leave him, Becky?

Because I love him.

I wouldn't leave him

just 'cause I have to change

his diaper three times a day.

What kind of person

would do that?

Well, what kind of person

has an affair with Cal

who's married to Ethel?

Well, Cal thinks she's gay.

Look, they ain't slept

together in 15 years.

Most married couples haven't

slept together in 15 years.

But we know Ethel

and she's not...

-She could be.

-Mm-hmm.

But if he thinks she's gay,

why don't they just divorce?

Because he loves her.

What kind of man

would leave his wife

just 'cause she's gay?

-She--

-Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Now you're supposed to be

my friend, not Ethel's.

And I didn't say nothing

about your early morning

visit to the doc

when you came back

with your dress on inside out

'cause you were too busy

putting the pap back in smear.

Okay, that was one time

and I was not in my right mind.

-I put the lid on it.

-Of course you did.

What's that supposed to mean.

Just go back

to your pantry, Jenna.

Bake yourself another

Bury The Bullshit pie.

Well, you got me

all figured out, don't you?

You got everything

all figured out.

It's the world

according to Becky.

Go ahead,

Throw your rocks at me

From your little glass

house And then take off running



You're no better than me

We've both made mistakes,

Haven't we?

I won't undo

What I'm doing

To sit in judgment

Of what makes us human

I don't claim

To be proud but

My head won't be hung

In shame

I didn't plan it

But the light turned red

And I ran it

And I'm still standing

It's not what I wanted But

now that it's right here

I understand it

A story written

By my own hand

It's life biting

Right at your heels

I didn't plan it

But it's finally

Something to feel

Becky, I can't go there.

Honey, we're already there.

Look around you

Ain't no saints here, baby

We're all just looking

For a little less crazy

And sometimes

It's a hard left turn

Down a road you never

Thought you'd see

I didn't plan it

Taking back what's been

Taken for granted

And I can't stand it

I'm sick of the way I've

been Waiting to break free

I needed saving

And a good mistake

Needed making

Maybe you need

The same thing

Oh, something to feel

To race through your blood

And remind you you're here

To open your eyes

And look around

And see the sky

When you're underground

I didn't plan it

But that's life

And I'm finally

Feeling alive

It's not right

But it's mine

And it's finally

Something to feel

[applause]

[upbeat music]

-Hello, Mrs. Hunterson.

-Hello, Doctor Pomatter.

-How have you been feeling?

-Fine.

Oh, how nice, you brought a pie.

What kind is it?

A Little Wild, Wild Berry pie.

-Oh, well, thank you.

-No, thank you. Thank you,

Nurse Norma.

I'm gonna take

Mrs. Hunterson's blood.

I need you to go

and reweigh Mrs. Morrissey.

-But I already did that.

-Can you please? Please!

It's important.

It's like it's crucial.

She's coming, Mrs. Morrisey!

Don't worry!

I don't know what the hell

this man talking about.

Ain't nothing

but a country club doctor.

-Don't do that again.

-What? Bring a pie?

No, not that.

Of course not that.

I meant go away for a full

month and not call me.

Well, I didn't have

any questions or concerns.

Well, don't do that.

This is craziness, Dr. Pomatter.

Can you please call me Jim?

No!

I won't.

Okay. Don't.

You know?

Dr. Pomatter is fine.

I guess we're just officially

forgetting

everything that happened

between us then.

Yes. We officially are.

Jenna, I got to

apologize for it.

No, no, no, no.

I almost called you

just to apologize.

I just want you to know that

it's never gonna happen again.

All right? From now on

our relationship,

it's a strictly medical,

professional one.

Jenna, no!

Not with the door open.

Oh!

[applause]

Mrs. Morrissey still weigh

142 pounds.

Thank you, Nurse Norma.

Mrs. Hunterson, are you

still taking

your pre-natal vitamins

every day?

-Oh, faithfully.

-Faithfully, my ass.

[applause]

Well, good. I'd like you

to come back again tomorrow.

-Tomorrow?

-Yes. Are we on

the same page now?

-We're on the same page.

-We're all on the same page.

[upbeat music]

Hearts keep racing

There is no mistaking

We can't come back

From this

Good 'cause I want more

Of what I had

-It feels so good to

-Feels so good

To be bad To be bad

[moans]

I'm very pleased with

your progress, Mrs. Hunterson.

Thank you, Doctor.

[music continues]

Pineapple Upside Down pie.

[music continues]

Your hormone levels are rising

beautifully, Mrs. Hunterson.

[music continues]

In the Dark Dark Chocolate pie.

[music continues]

[applause]

Take this bad idea

And walk this wire

Throw your spark

Into oil and fire

Chance won't come

Every single day

So don't throw it away

Don't throw it away

We might burn,

But we might get saved

I don't feel much fire

At all these days

Feels so good to

Feels so good To be bad

The British are coming!

-[music ends]

-[applause]

[music continues]

[bell rings]

Heya, Joe. How are you today?

Same bastard

as yesterday, Jenna.

The question is how are you?

Same train wreck.

And how's the charming husband?

-Charming as ever.

-Right.

And the lipstick smudger?

-What?

-Oh, you know,

the dog on the side? The affair.

Okay, I'm--

I'm not having

an "affair" affair.

-It's just a--

-An affair.

Your lipstick's all smudged

like someone gave you

a good one.

When you're done wiping away

your indiscretions,

-you wanna hear your horoscope?

-No.

"Aquarius. Even if you have

a miserable snake husband,

you probably shouldn't

be having no affair,

'cause it's beneath you

and could make you seem

like a common...

hussy.

Not to mention the pain

you could cause

to other people."

This afternoon

I will have the Singing

Tuney Fish Casserole,

no pickle on the plate.

Well-done Frenchie fries.

On their own plate.

And Jenna's

Devil's Food Oasis pie.

That's the one you should bake

for that contest

so you can win that money

and leave your husband

fair and square

and smudge your lipstick

with whomever the hell you want.

Joe you really think that pie

is good enough to win?

Oh, that pie

is a thing of beauty.

How each flavor

opens itself, one by one,

-like a chapter in a book.

-[bell rings]

First you get flooded

with chocolate,

dark and bittersweet

like an old flame.

And then strawberry,

the way strawberry

was always supposed to taste

but never knew how.

In fact, you know what?

Forget all the other stuff

I ordered.

Just bring me the damn pie.

What are you waiting for?

I don't believe for one second

that you're as mean as you play.

You tip me better than anyone.

If you're noticing I'm having

a hard time walking today,

Keep it between us.

[laughs]

This is really heating up.

He is so passionate.

You wouldn't know

it to look at him,

but he is a sexual dynamo.

No, you wouldn't know it.

Well, he's amorous

yet clean and well organized.

And when he recites

his spontaneous poetry,

well... [snort laughs]

I'm multi-orgasmic.

I had no idea!

No, I didn't either

and believe me

it's something I did not need

to know.

Order up.

Perhaps you could take

some pointers, Cal.

Perhaps you

could take this slice

of Twisted Kentucky Pecan

pie to table five.

I didn't realize

it was hot and ready.

Girl, it's been hot all morning.

[intense guitar riff]

Hey, buddy.

I'm waiting on Dawn.

She's meeting my mother tonight.

I'm taking them to Stanton

Grove for the steak dinner.

It's getting serious.

Real, real serious.

Come on man, you got this.

-Ooh.

-Hey.

Breathe.

[inhales]

Dawn Pinkett!

Ogie?

Every day I think of you,

I think yes.

Oh, he's making me a poem

right here.

We hold these truths

to be self-evident.

Yes. I am more

than he who audits.

I am poetry and sex

and I'm living a dream. Love.

Yes. Uh...

uh-huh. Yes.

Oh, my God.

Will you bus my tables

so I can...

[both] Yes!

Oh, thank you. You know, Jenna,

I must admit

I don't really feel

I understood the Declaration

of Independence until now.

Life, liberty...

And the Pursuit

of Happiness pie.

Sugar

Sugar, butter, flour

Meld warm

Golden Delicious apples

with free flowing brown sugar.

Mix with cinnamon and allspice.

Fold in cocoa chiffon...

until they merge

together perfectly.

Top with peaks of everlasting

Chantilly cream.

-Missus...

-Hunterson?

And dust gently

with powdered sugar.

Mrs. Hunterson?

And garnish with rose petals.

Mrs. Hunterson!

Doctor Pomatter and his wife

had to fly back east

for a funeral this morning.

Oh, he flew back east

with his wife?

Yes.

So guess who's gonna examine

your cha-cha today?

Me.

[laughs]

I'm just kidding.

You look like sh*t, girl.

You feeling okay?

Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just--

you know, the baby.

Of course.

How's it working out

with Doctor Pomatter?

Oh, he's very professional.

Isn't he?

Such a lovely bedside manner.

Is that pie for me?

-I guess.

-Looks so yummy.

What kind is it?

The Pursuit of Happiness pie.

We could all use

a slice of that.

Ah.

Heartbeat strong and steady.

Here, take a listen.

[heart b*ating]

Dear baby...

[soft piano music]

Let me begin

by saying I'm sorry.

Don't take it personally, baby,

if I don't seem like

all the other mamas

jumping all over

themselves with joy.

I wish I could feel excitement

that you're with me now.

Or faith

that I'd be a good mama.

Even if my life is a mess.

And the world, as I see it,

isn't so pretty

like they'd have you believe

in that baby book.

I frankly don't know what

I've got to give you, baby.

What if I don't win that contest

and don't have no money

and I can't leave Earl?

What the hell am I gonna

do with you then?

Some days I think I should

just give you

to a nice family who could

give you what I can't.

I wish I could just run away.

What kind of mama is that?

[Jim] Jenna.

What are you doing here?

You can't just come here.

I had to see you.

It's been weeks.

I can't take this

not knowing how you are.

-Dr. Pomatter,

we have to end this.

-Why?

Because I've been thinking a lot

while you were away

with your wife

and I can't live with myself.

But, Jenna, I'm not gonna

have a conversation about

how crazy this is,

about how bad my judgment is,

about how sorry I am.

I'd be lying.

Don't say anything else.

Don't talk me out of it.

Just go.

I don't know how to do this.

I haven't felt

anything like this.

I haven't felt

in a very long time.

Neither have I.

So what now?

Maybe you can teach me

how to make a pie.

-Seriously?

-Yeah, seriously.

Okay. Sure, I could do that.

Okay, I brought you something.

It's a--

it's a present.

-For me?

-Yeah. For you.

Open it.

Oh, my God.

I had your name

engraved on the back.

Oh, wow.

It's the most beautiful thing

I've ever seen.

It's deep dish.

Non-stick.

Thank you.

I have some gorgeous

blackberries.

-I love blackberries.

I love them.

-Okay.

Okay, we're gonna make one

my mama used to call

Lonely Chicago pie.

-Mm-hmm.

-[chuckles]

She had hundreds

of different kinds

and they all had

real strange names.

Like mama, like daughter.

[soft music]

Yeah.

She had...

such dreams for me.

She'd be so sad to see

how my life turned out.

Maybe I'm talking too much.

No.

Mama used to keep me

in the kitchen when

Daddy was in one of his moods.

And she'd teach me

everything about baking.

We'd sing

this little song together.

Let's make a new one, Mama

What do you say?

I love it when you let me

Pick out the name

Sugar

And butter

And flour

And mother

What the hell

are you doing here?

I'm learning how to make

Lonely Chicago pie.

No, I mean here.

Living in this town.

My wife is--

she's doing her residency.

We came here because of her.

Are you happy with her?

No, don't--

don't answer that.

I--

I'm not used to happy.

I tend to be neurotic.

You calm me down.

[soft music]

You make me feel...

peaceful and even needed.

You are so beautiful.

I don't know who

you're talking about.

I could find

The whole meaning of life

In those sad eyes

They've seen things

That you never quite say

But I hear

Come out of hiding

I'm right here beside you

And I'll stay there

As long as you'll let me

Because you

Matter to me

Simple and plain

And not much to ask

From somebody

You matter to me

I promise you do

You matter, too

I promise you do

You'll see

You matter to me

It's addictive the minute

You let yourself think

The things that I say

Just might matter

To someone

All of this time

I've been keeping my mind

On the running away

And for the first time

I think

I'd consider the stay

Dear, baby.

I hope someday

somebody wants to hold you

for 20 minutes straight.

They don't pull away,

they don't look at your face,

they don't try to kiss you.

All they do is wrap you up

in their arms

and hold on tight without

an ounce of selfishness to it.

I hope you

become addicted, baby.

I hope you become addicted

to saying things

and having them

matter to someone.

You matter to me

Simple and plain

And not much to ask

From somebody

You matter to me

-I promise you do

-Come out of hiding

-I'm right here beside you

-You matter, too

-As long As you'll have me

-I promise you do

-I do

-You matter, too

You matter to me

You'll see

You matter to me

[applause]

[Revolutionary w*r

marching music]

Dearly Beloved,

we are gathered here today

to celebrate the union

of Ogie Herbert Eincorn

and Dawn Louise Pinkett,

-to join them together--

-[babbling]

-To join them--

-[babbling]

Wedding poetry happening

right here, right now.

Your white dress

Sparks words spontaneous

I'll sing

From mountain tops

I am in love, love, love

And I don't care

Who knows it

Lucky me

I was ordinary

But with your love you see

I am

A poh-oh-oh-oh-oem writer

I will express this

If I am able

I love you like a table

My legs

Were carved for you

I love you like a table

I am wood And you are glue

Cover me with stuff

I will hold it up

Strong and stable

I love you like a table

I love you, too

And I wanted to try

And surprise you

I've written 29 new drafts

Of vows that didn't rhyme

30 was a drum line

-Whoo!

-[drumming]

Hey!

-[bell rings]

-Hey!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Promise to as best we can

Say I do And tell you that

When I see you

I want to again

[cheering]

The wedding pie, y'all!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What do you call it, Jenna?

Big old slice

of Live Your Life pie.

[clapping]

Boy, Jenna, you've really

outdone yourself this time.

Now I'm gonna be betting

on you to win that contest

next week.

Thanks for letting me go, Cal.

Yeah. I'm not such

a bad guy, maybe.

Yeah, you're not such

a bad guy, maybe.

-Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!

-[giggling]

No, no, no, no, no!

[both laughing]

Look at them.

Happiest day of their lives.

They have no idea the ride

they're in for.

Hey, Cal, can I ask

you a question?

sh**t.

Are you happy?

I mean, would you call

yourself a happy man?

You asking a serious question,

I'll tell you.

I'm happy enough.

I don't give much,

I don't get much,

but I do try to enjoy

whatever comes up.

That's my truth,

summed up

for your feminine judgment.

I'm happy enough.

May I have this dance?

[laughs]

Here, I had some

big spenders yesterday.

Stash this in the pot

towards your entry fee.

No, Becky,

I can't take your money.

Not with what you're dealing

with at home.

Uh-uh. Come on, just this once.

Let me feel a little

philanthropopical now.

I don't want you to worry

about nothing

but baking yourself

a better life.

All right now?

When you win that contest,

you think you're gonna

get one of them big

giant checks that are

the size of a door?

Always wondered

how you cash one of those.

[laughs]

Maybe we should have an affair.

Uh-uh. No ma'am.

This ain't no affair.

I'm in this for life, okay?

[clapping]

Okay, scoot. Vamoose. Skadoodle.

This reminds me

of my third wedding

to Sara Cherie Caputo.

Now she was a screamer.

-Joe!

-I was just trying to point

out her good qualities.

Oh, man, she was nasty.

I'm gonna invent

a special pie for you

called Old Joe's Horny Past pie.

You should enter

that one in that contest.

Wake those old biddies up.

Maybe I'll just bake it for you.

That'd have to wait.

My doctor says

I shouldn't be eating

all this sweet stuff.

My liver's acting up.

I got to have a piece

of it removed.

-Oh, Joe.

-Yeah.

Last time I was in the hospital

the nurse strapped me to a bed,

pulled down my pants

and sh*t me in the ass.

Not too shabby.

Not too shabby.

So you better promise me

that you will bake to win.

[soft music]

Whoa, whoa, pie-lady.

You're shaking.

I don't know

what I'm more scared of,

losing or winning.

I don't know, Joe.

Maybe I should just make peace

with happy enough

like my mama did.

Maybe it's too late for me.

Take it from an old man

Time's just sand

Slipping past

We want to hold it

In our hands

But no one ever sees

What falls

Through the cracks

Take it from an old man

My mistakes have made me

And I am what I am

And though I don't believe

In silver linings

I believe

There's something in you

I believe in you

Something good

Is trying to break through

You might have to fight

The good fight

And when you think

You can't

You can

Take it from an old man

Take it from an old man

The days don't stretch

Any longer

They've left tracks

Upon my skin

But I reckon

Made me stronger

But I believe there's

Something in you

Something you

Should be seeing, too

Bet it all on yourself

At least one time

-Cause honey, win or lose

-Win or lose

It's one hell of a ride

It's one hell of a ride

And if you lack

The strength of your own

Honey, hold out your hand

And take it

From an old man

-[music ends]

-[applause]

Excuse me, I'm just--

I'm gonna borrow my wife.

Say your goodbyes,

we're going home.

-Who invited you?

-Have another piece of pie,

old man!

-Come on!

-Please don't.

You'll make it worse.

Let's go.

Jenna! Please stay.

I am so sorry. Bye sweetheart.

-Don't leave!

-I love you.

Congratulations.

[tense music]

[music ends]

You must think

I'm really stupid.

-No.

-No?

[sniffles]

Unzip that cushion.

-I don't want--

-Do it!

What is that, Jenna? Hmm?

What is that?

It's money.

That's money?

Hidden all over the house?

In the drawers,

in the cabinets,

in the f*cking sofa!

-It's money hidden

all over my house.

-I'm sorry.

After everything

that I have done for you,

you go and hide money from me?

I was the only one

that was there for you

after your mama d*ed

and your daddy was piss drunk

every night.

You forget about that?!

Do I need this?

Do I need this right now?

Earl, oh, my God, stop!

You love that guitar!

You...

are the only thing

that I've ever loved.

You are the only person

that has ever belonged to me.

You're my wife.

[chuckles]

You are my whole life.

And you having

a secret from me...

it just tears me apart.

Why are you hiding money

all over the house?

-I want to go--

-No, no, just tell me you

were gonna surprise me.

-No, Earl.

-Tell me you were gonna

buy me a present.

Because if I ever thought

that you weren't happy

being my wife,

that you were deceiving me,

I would want to k*ll myself.

[sobbing] I would want to die.

Baby, please hold me.

[sobbing]

The truth is, Earl--

the truth is...

I was saving that money...

for the baby.

To buy some nice things.

A crib and toys.

It was all for the baby.

It was for the baby?

Yes, Earl. For a crib.

I don't know why you have

to make it

so hard, Jenna.

I just want us to be happy.

[soft music]

Dear baby,

if you ever want to

know the story of how we bought

your crib, I'll tell you.

Your crib was bought

with the money

I was gonna use to buy us

a new life.

The Springfield Pie Contest

is starting next week...

and you and I

will not be in attendance.

It's not simple to say

Most days

I don't recognize me

That these shoes

And this apron

That place and its patrons

Have taken more

Than I gave them

It's not easy to know

I'm not anything

Like I used to be

Although It's true

I was never attention's

Sweet center

I still remember That girl

She's imperfect

But she tries

She is good

But she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken

And won't ask for help

She is messy,

But she's kind

She is lonely

Most of the time

She is all of this

Mixed up

And baked

In a beautiful pie

She is gone

But she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for

Sometimes life

Just slips in

Through a back door

And carves out a person

And makes you believe

It's all true

And now I've got you

And you're not what

I asked for

If I'm honest I know

I would give it all back

For a chance To start over

And rewrite an ending

Or two

For that girl that I knew

Who'd be reckless

Just enough

Who gets hurt

But who learns

How to toughen up

When she's bruised

And gets used by a man

Who can't love

And then she'll get stuck

And be scared

Of the life

That's inside her

Growing stronger each day

Till it finally

Reminds her

To fight just a little

To bring back the fire

In her eyes

That's been gone

But it used to be mine...

It used to mine...

She is messy

But she's kind

She is lonely

Most of the time

She is all of this

Mixed up

And baked

In a beautiful pie

She is gone

But she used to be

Mine

[applause]

[music ends]

[groans]

[heavy breathing]

[heart b*ating]

[exhales]

[soft music]

[heavy breathing continues]

[machines beeping]

[chatter]

[heartbeat quickens]

Jenna, everything's

gonna to be okay.

Just make it all go away.

Look, just try and focus

on your breathing.

I'm gonna be right here.

Wheel me in.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you belong here?

Yes, I'm kin.

[laughs] He sure is!

Joe, are you

having your surgery today?

Yeah, later this afternoon.

Becky told me you were here.

I bought you a card...

from gift shop downstairs.

It's silly and flowery

and almost gave me diabetes.

[laughs] Thank you, Joe.

NO, don't look at it now.

Look at it later

when all the fuss is over.

Hey, halftime in the lounge.

Colts up 10.

What's the ETA in here?

Oh, Earl.

Father to be.

Yeah, how could I forget you?

Don't say nothing smart...

you dumb ass.

Wheel me out.

Dr. Pomatter,

this is my husband, Earl.

Oh, Lordy.

Hey, you mind stepping out

of the way a sec, Doc,

so I can get a sh*t of me

and my wife on the big day?

Much appreciated.

Come on, baby, give me

a kiss now.

-Ow!

-Oh, my God, that's so dramatic.

-[breathing heavily]

-Hey, come on now, babe.

-You're spitting on the lens.

-Doctor Pomatter.

-Yes, Jenna?

-I want to make sure

we're clear about one thing.

-What's that, Jenna?

-I want dr*gs.

I want massive amounts of dr*gs.

[bag pops]

I want the maximum legal

limit of dr*gs.

-Noted and understood.

-Oh, my gosh!

Oh, try and steady

your breathing, hon.

[breathing evenly]

Hi, I'm Francine Pomatter.

Jim has told me

so much about you.

Did I tell you my wife

is a resident here?

Oh, I think you might

have mentioned that.

Don't worry, you are in

great hands with my husband.

[Jenna laughs]

Is she gonna be here

the whole delivery?

I mean, are all the residents

gonna be here?

No, no, no, no.

They're just here to observe

the first stage of labor.

Everybody out.

[Dawn] Jenna! We're here.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Oh, my Lord.

The pie is coming out

of the oven!

-Order up!

-[Jenna screaming]

-Sugar

-[heart b*ating]

Sugar, butter, flour

Sugar, butter

-[overlapping voices]

-[heartbeat increases]

[tense music]

-I don't want no baby, Earl!

-[timer dings]

[baby crying]

-[Jim] It's a girl.

-[Earl] A girl?

[Norma] Would you like to hold

your baby, Mrs. Hunterson?

Mrs. Hunterson? Did you hear me?

Are you okay? Mrs. Hunterson?

Just give her to me.

[trembling breath]

[soft music]

[chuckles]

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Now you remember what I said.

Don't you go loving that baby

more than you love me.

I don't love you anymore, Earl.

I haven't in a very long time.

I want a divorce.

Now, that's not

very funny, Jenna.

No one's laughing.

I want you the hell

out of my life.

[chuckles] You ain't

never gonna leave me.

-Watch me.

-You ain't gonna do nothing!

Now you better know your place!

Get your hands off me!

Don't touch me!

Man, you're gonna regret

this when you get home.

And you're gonna regret

ever saying that

'cause if you ever come

within six yard of us,

I will flatten your sorry ass

and I will enjoy doing it.

Now get out before I call

someone to carry you out.

[applause]

[upbeat music]

Today's a day

Like any other

But I am changed

I am a mother

Oh, in an instant

And who I was

Has disappeared

It doesn't matter

Now you're here

-[baby fusses]

-So innocent

I was lost

For you to find

And now I'm yours

And you are mine

Two tiny hands

A pair of eyes

An unsung melody is mine

For safe-keeping

And I will guard it

With my life

I'd hang the moon

For it to shine

On her sleeping

Starting here

And starting now

I can feel

The heart of how

Everything changes

You done did it, girl.

Baby girl,

come meet your Godmamas.

-What?

-Me?

[crying] Oh, Jenna!

Oh, I'm gonna call her Lulu.

Yeah, little Lulu

the love of my life.

And we're gonna be happy,

little girl.

Not just happy enough.

We're gonna be really happy.

Hello.

Hi, is everyone decent?

-Ogie, come here. Come here.

-Okay.

Jenna, Ogie and I

want you to know

that you can stay with us

for a while until you get

back on your feet.

You could stay with us,

but I think

Phil's convulsions might

frighten the baby.

Look, Ogie. Isn't she beautiful?

There are no words...

but I'm double-parked

so I got to run.

I got to go. I love you.

I love you.

Love you, new baby.

Got to go. I love you.

I love you.

I love you. I love you.

Dawn, don't we have

some business

in the hallway?

-No.

-Dawn.

Bye.

-Oh!

-Dawn!

How are you two doing?

You ever seen a baby

this beautiful before?

Out of the 762

that I have delivered,

between us, she is definitely

the most beautiful.

Nurse Norma,

can you get Mrs. Hunterson

her complimentary burp cloths?

Maybe in Connecticut

this sh*t flies,

but Lord have mercy.

I, uh...

I know what you're thinking.

Yeah. no I don't. That's a lie.

I--

what are you thinking?

I'm thinking...

I could never thank you enough

for everything

you've done for me.

And I'm thinking

your wife's around.

And you shouldn't kiss me.

The way she looks at you.

So much trust.

We could have

a big drama that gets

drawn out here

for a couple years

and makes everyone miserable,

or we could end it right here.

No body count.

So this is goodbye.

I will never forget you.

Another lifetime.

Oh.

You deserve homemade,

but try telling that

to a vending machine.

Here.

Thanks For Taking Me

To The Moon Moonpie.

[soft music]

I didn't know,

But now I see

Sometimes what is

Is meant to be

You saved me

My blurry lines

My messy life

Come into focus

And in time maybe

I can heal

And I can breathe

'Cause I can feel

Myself believe

Everything changes

Oh, my heart's

At the wheel now

And all my mistakes

They make sense

When I turn them around

Everything changes

What I thought

Was so permanent

Fades in the blink

Of an eye

There's a new life

In front of my face

In the blink of an eye

There's a new life

In front of my face

And I know in due time

Every right thing will find

Its right place

And I know in due time

Every right thing Will find

Its right place

So I swear I'll remember

To say we were both

Born today

'Cause everything's

Changed

Everything changes

-[music ends]

-[applause]

[gentle music]

Shh, shh. [laughs]

Oh. [laughs]

"To my only friend.

Start fresh.

I'm leaving you--

I'm leaving you the pie shop.

Name a pie for me

when I'm gone."

[upbeat music]

Okay, little Lulu.

we got 16 Lulu Lemonade Pies,

eight Polka Dot Peach

and four Cocoa Cream.

-How many is that?

-A lot!

A lot! Thank you, Miss Lulu.

Wait, it's magic time.

Magic time.

All right, I've been practicing.

Watch closely.

Are you ready? A one,

a two, a three.

I don't got it. Hey.

-Wow, Mama.

-Hi, baby girl.

[Cal] Jenna, what's

the special pie today?

Old Joe's Slice of Heaven pie,

with tomato on the side.

[all] On its own plate!

Opening up

Into a new day

Open to love

Isn't it amazing

What comes our way?

One at a time

Everyday falls in line

Learning to love

What's on the inside

Looking around

At the same things

All of them changing

'Cause everything does

Life's rearranging

And we're opening up

To what's inside of

What's inside of love...

What's inside?

Sugar, butter, flour

-[music ends]

-[applause]

[upbeat music]

[applause]

Isn't it amazing

What comes our way?

One at a time

Everyday falls in line

Learning to love

What's on the inside

Looking around

At the same things

All of them changing

'Cause everything does

Life's rearranging

And we're opening up

To what's inside of love...

Opening up

Opening up

[applause]

[soft music]

[upbeat music]

Down at the diner

Ah

So many ways to slice

A piece of this life

But most of the time

It's into quarter life crisis

What's on your plate

At any given time

Can change with the specials

And a jukebox dime

Down at the diner

Start to feel

A little lighter

Down at the diner

Look around and feel better

We're all in this together

I wouldn't call this place

A happy end

But I've been round the block

And just came back again

I ain't seen the world yet,

But I know this much

Might as well call home

Wherever my ass ends up

Down at the diner

Don't need to tell them

Why I'm here

They know me at the diner

And in every single bite

Is a little bit of life

So many days to endure

In a row

It's the little things

That keep us afloat

Thank God for the oasis

The people and places

That save us and serve

As reminder

That's why we come

To the diner

At the diner

Ah

Ordered up is how I

like My days to find me

Everything here has

It's place and timing

I've never been

someone Who fits right in

But I found myself

Organizing condiments

Down at the diner

I'm exponentially wiser

Down at the diner

Whatever you are

There's room at the bar

Every day begin again

Take a seat and settle in

With the rest of us

We're all just

Trying to get by

When it gets hard

This small town

Is who we are

It's the heartbeat

The center

The lifeline you enter

-It's the heartbeat

-The heartbeat

-Center

-The center

-The lifeline you enter

-The lifeline you enter

Every day what you got

Bring it with you

Share your love

It's the rest of us

We're all just

Down at the diner

Ah
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