05x03 - Bert Moves In

[bunniefuu]

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Well, ma'am, I'm on me way.

Aww, Mrs. Naugatuck,
I'm almost in tears.

And to think Bert is actually

going to propose to you tonight!

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,

I feel like a mother saying
goodbye to her daughter.

That's the first time you've
ever admitted your age!

Oh, I may be silly
and sentimental,

but I'm not above belting you.

How do I look?

Oh, you look
lovely. Just lovely!

But, you know, for a
special occasion like this,

- you should have a hat.
- Oh, I'm so excited!

Oh, I'd give anything to be
there tonight when Bert proposes.

You are sure he's
going to propose?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Me bones tell me that
Bert's going to propose,

and we'll have scattered
showers clearing by morning.

I've never known
your bones to lie.

In fact, I've never known
your bones to do anything.

Bert's been dropping
hints all week!

Oh, tonight's
the night, all right!

Oh, it's so exciting! Look.

This is my favorite hat.

Let's see.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
you look lovely.

Just exquisite.

Oh, I'm so excited for you!

So am I! I've made some
chicken soup to take with me

- to warm Bert up.
- Oh, good idea!

Must get awfully cold for a
night watchman in a cemetery.

The soup's to warm him up,

and I've put in a little
gin to loosen him up!

Very good idea, little gin.

Whew! A little gin,
Mrs. Naugatuck,

this smells like
a chicken martini!

That's right.

I got the recipe from
a Jewish alcoholic!

Maude. Oh, Maude.
We've got problems.

I've been going
over the checkbook...

Honey, honey, this is
no time to think of money!

Tonight is a night
of love and romance!

Oh, good, then why don't
you run down to the bank

and kiss the teller.
We're overdrawn!

Please! Tonight, Bert is
proposing to Mrs. Naugatuck!

Oh, that's right!

How do I look?

Oh, you look wonderful!

But I'd forget about the hat.

- He's right.
- He is not right.

- Hello, everybody!
- Hi, g*ng.

Mrs. Naugatuck, we just came
over to wish you luck tonight!

Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Harmon! Thank you.

You're not going to
wear that hat, are you?

That's an old lady's hat.

Arthur, that happens
to be my hat!

Oh! Oh. Well, uh...

maybe you got it on backwards.

There, that's much better,
takes 20 years off you!

Oh, well! If Bert's going
to pop the question,

I'd better be popping off!

It just seems that a cemetery

is such a spooky place
for a man to propose.

Oh, well, Viv,
when you're in love,

the whole world's a graveyard.

I mustn't be
forgetting... this soup.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you really
know all the tricks! (laughs)

The way to man's heart
is through his stomach!

(laughs)

This soup goes
straight to the liver!

(laughs)

I must be off! (laughing)

Ah, Mrs. Naugatuck,
Mrs. Naugatuck.

I just want you to know that
I'm as happy for you tonight

- as I've ever been.
- Oh, thank you, ma'am.

- Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck?
- Yeah?

(exhales)

Would you like another
round of soup, Bert?

Well, I don't mind if I do!

Uh, Nell, there's something
I wanted to ask you.

Yes?

You see, I've been saving up for a
special occasion ever since I was 32.

Now, I'm 72 and I
have enough money,

- so this is it.
- Oh, goodness,

how much did you
save in all those years?

$1,000.

- Nell?
- Yes?

Uh...

Nell? I...

- Nell.
- What's the matter, Bert?

Just a moment, Nell, I
was trying to propose!

I accept!

Bert, that was beautiful!

Nell, I'm a bit confused.

It's been 46 years since
I proposed to a woman.

Now, is that all there is to it?

Well, you could tell
me that I'm exciting

and you can't sleep
at night because

you're thinking about me,

and I'm the most beautiful
woman in the world!

Oh, you'd never buy that.

Try me.

Nell, you are the most

beautiful woman in the world.

- And I think we should get
married as soon as we can.
- Oh, Bert!

Excuse me, is one
of you Bert Beasley?

You must mean my fiancé, Bert!

There's someone here for you!

- Yes, I'm Bert Beasley.
- I'm Gerald Palmer

from the cemetery
accounting department.

Oh, well, how do
you do, Mr. Palmer?

Say, we're celebrating.

How would you
like a sh*t of soup?

No, thank you.

Mr. Beasley, I
stayed late tonight

because I wanted to
tell you this in person.

Our records show that
you reached the mandatory

retirement age of 75 last month.

Here! Just a minute!

I'm sorry.

Here's this week's paycheck
and 2 weeks severance pay.

Your records must be wrong.

Bert's only 72.

No, love, he's right. I'm 75.

I lied to you about me age
because I wanted you to think

you were getting a young stud.

Look, I'm sorry,
but rules are rules.

Uh-huh.

Well, love.

We'll have to call
off the wedding.

Can't afford to get married now.

Oh, don't be silly, Bert!

You've got your social
security and $1,000!

Ah, that's not
enough to live on.

Well, of course it isn't,

but I've got my job!

Oh, no! No wife of
mine is gonna work.

I have my pride!

Bert, pride goeth
before the fall,

and I want to get
married before the fall!

So whatever you say,
that's what we're gonna do!

Nell, that's out
of the question!

I don't have a job,

so we can't get married
until I find something else.

Well, while you're
looking for something else,

I may be looking for
someone else, too!

Well, now, Nell, wait!
Please, try to understand.

Look, I want to get
married as much as you!

Nobody wants to get
married as much as I do!

You're calling off the wedding

and I'm calling off
the engagement!

Oh, Nell! Nell!

Now, Mrs. Naugatuck, you are
being childish, hiding in the den.

Bert simply wants
to talk to you!

Up the Irish!

Maybe I'd better go.

Oh, now come on, you two.

Now, come on. Sit down.
Sit down, both of you.

Come on now.

Now, I have an idea that can
solve this problem for both of you.

Nothing will solve it
for me, but a wedding.

- How about living together?
- That, too!

Live together? Oh, no, we can't!

That's against my religion.

Well, I'm against
your religion, too!

Come on, Bert, now
you two love each other!

Until you find another job,

you can at least enjoy
each other's company!

No, that would be wrong.

There'd be nothing
wrong at all, Bert.

You'd simply be roommates.

- Roommates?
- Sure, Bert,

even the Bible says it's Okay.

- It does not.
- Yes, it does.

In ancient Jerusalem, engaged
couples used to live with each other

for two or three years
before they got married.

- How do you know that, Walter?
- I read it in "Playboy."

Well, what do you say, Bert?

Well, if it's good
enough for "Playboy,"

it's good enough for me!

Wonderful! Then
it's all settled.

Don't you two stay
up too late tonight!

Listen, Nell, I still don't
know how we can afford it,

because if you move into my
apartment, they'll raise the rent.

Bert, that's my surprise.

We're going to let you have
the apartment over our garage.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Maude, that apartment
needs so much work!

Do you realize how
much it will cost to fix up?

Honey, don't worry!
We're paying for it!

Now, let's go up and leave
these two lovebirds alone!

- Good night!
- (Bert) Good night!

But Maude!

Well, Bert, it looks like
we're going to be roomies!

Nell, I'm doing this
on one condition.

What's that?

We live together
like brother and sister.

Brother and sister?

Until we're legally
married, no hanky panky.

Oh, brother.

(sighs)

Mrs. Naugatuck, you
know, I'm a little hurt

that you haven't invited
me up to your apartment yet.

You and Bert have been
up there for three days now,

and I'm dying to see
how you've fixed it up.

Well, at any rate, I gathered up
some things for your love nest.

Mrs. Naugatuck?

Mrs. Naugatuck, is
something wrong?

You've been moping
around all day!

(sighs)

Look, Mrs. Naugatuck,
if you have a problem,

coffee is not the answer.

Oh, all right. Be mysterious.

I'm expecting
guests in 15 minutes.

I have no time for
guessing games.

Mrs. Naugatuck, where
are the hors d'oeuvres?

I don't know. I don't have
time for guessing games either!

What is the matter
with you today?

You haven't mopped,
you haven't dusted,

you've done nothing
but mope around all day!

What's the matter?

The Harmons are due over
here in 15 minutes for cocktails.

Mrs. Naugatuck hasn't
lifted a finger to help.

Mrs. Naugatuck, is
that any way to act?

- Mother, she's upset.
- Well, so am I!

Mrs. Naugatuck, is this any
way to show your gratitude

after all we've done
for you and Bert,

setting you up in
that little love nest?

Don't call it a love
nest! It's a prison!

And it's all your fault!

- Maude.
- And it's all your fault, too!

Neither of you
care that I'm trapped

in that room above
that garage with a beast!

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck, is
there some problem with Bert?

Yes, for three days, he's
been ruthless and cruel.

He's abusing me!

Mrs. Naugatuck! Bert
Beasley is a pussycat!

He wouldn't lay a hand on you!

I know! That's the problem!

- What was that all about?
- No idea.

Mother, it's obvious! Bert isn't
being very affectionate to her.

Oh, of course, and
here I snapped at her

because she didn't help me
get ready for the Harmons.

I'm gonna go up and talk to her.

I'm coming with you.

Maude, why should we waste
all our good Scotch on Vivian?

She drinks it with Dr. Pepper!

Please, Walter!

Oh, Walter, while we're gone,

- whip up some hors d'oeuvres.
- What?!

I don't know how to whip
up any hors d'oeuvres.

Walter, almost anything
can be an hors d'oeuvre.

Like what?!

Use your imagination!

(Maude) Mrs. Naugatuck!

May we come in?

Mrs. Naugatuck?

Look at this.

I just don't believe it.

I mean, I know
she's angry with Bert,

but she actually put up a
blanket between their beds.

Oh. Oh!

I'm sorry. I didn't
expect you two here.

Mrs. Naugatuck, no
matter what Bert's done,

you should not have
put up that blanket.

- How do you know
Mrs. Naugatuck put it up?
- Because that's what women do.

- Bert put it up.
- Isn't that just like a man?

He put that thing up
the first day he moved in.

That's the problem!

I don't understand. Why
would he put a blanket up?

He said it was because
of my animal desires!

He doesn't want
you to have a pet?

Bert calls that blanket
the wall of Jericho.

He got the idea from that
movie, "It Happened One Night."

Of course, with Clark
Gable and Claudette Colbert.

And Roscoe Karns! (crying)

Mrs. Naugatuck, you
mean that Bert believes

that if that blanket
weren't separating you,

the two of you would...
How can I put it delicately?

Mess around?

- Yes.
- Well, that's
perfectly ridiculous.

Well, it's worked
very well so far!

Oh, this must be awful for you!

I feel so rejected!

Is it too much to ask
for a little tenderness?

Of course not. Now, tell me,

have you ever actually asked
Bert to take down the blanket?

No, I didn't want him to
think I was on the make!

I wouldn't worry about that.

Mother, I don't think you
understand the problem.

Of course I do.

The blanket's the problem.

Get rid of the blanket,
and the problem's solved.

Oh, no, ma'am!
Bert will be furious!

Oh, don't be
silly! He loves you!

Everything's gonna be all right.

As a matter of fact, I'll tell
him myself. Where is he?

He's gone to church to pray

to St. Joseph for self-control!

(crying)

St. Joseph is the
patron of manly virtue.

Well, at 75, he should
be praying to St. Jude,

the patron of lost
causes. (laughs)

♪ Oh, when the Saints ♪

♪ Go marchin'in! Oh when... ♪

She hasn't got the foggiest!

And I always thought your
mother was an intelligent woman.

She is, but she's dumb.

She thinks this
whole thing is a joke.

There's not much to laugh about

when you're under a cold
shower at 3:00 in the morning.

Mrs. Naugatuck, she
treats me the same way.

People in mother's generation

think we should
live by their rules!

I know what you mean.

She's always telling
me to act my age!

She's always telling
me to act my age!

What she really means is
we should both act her age.

Yes, you're so right!

Your generation and my
generation understand each other.

Now, if we could only get rid of
those dummies in the middle...

And it was so sweet!

You should have seen
that blanket hanging there.

And Bert's going to church
to pray for self control.

(all laugh)

Oh, I don't know why!

At that age, it's not
a sin, it's a miracle!

(laughs)

I don't see what's so funny.

I just talked to Mrs. Naugatuck.

This is very serious
for her and Bert.

Oh, come on, Carol,
now how serious can it be?

I mean, I can't image
the two of them actually...

Just because you
can't imagine it, Mother,

doesn't mean it isn't so.

I remember when I first
found out the facts of life.

I was in the second grade and
you were married to Chester then.

And I just couldn't imagine
the two of you doing that.

No, at that time we weren't.

You know, Maudie, I
think Carol has a point.

I have a patient
who's 81 years old

and he still has sex
three times a week.

That's right. Arthur's
trying to cure him.

You see? Age has
nothing to do with it.

- They're in love.
- I know, Carol,

but I can't think
of Bert Beasley

as being ablaze with
the flame of passion.

I mean, at his age,

he's lucky to
have a pilot light!

(all laugh)

You guys are terrible!

Hey, Maudie, these
are great! What are they?

Rice Krispies.

Oh. Well, they sure are tasty.

Vivian, why don't we ever
serve Rice Krispies to our guests?

We've never had
anybody over that early.

Mrs. Findlay! Tell
Bert I'm not to blame!

Tell Bert you did it!

Mrs. Findlay, I
demand an explanation!

Why did you take
down my blanket?

Because it is silly to have
a blanket between you!

- There's no reason for it!
- Mr. Findlay, how could you
let her do that?

In my day, husbands
controlled their wives!

Oh, I can't do a thing with her,

she's always fooling
around with my blanket, too!

The day I stop fooling around with
your blanket is the day you can hang it up.

Vivian, I think we'd
better go home.

We don't wanna sit here
listening to all this intimate detail.

- Sure we do!
- No, we don't!

Arthur, wait, wait,
wait. Arthur, please.

You're a doctor. Will you please tell
Bert he has nothing to worry about?

Uh, I think he'd better
discuss it with a specialist.

I don't have much
sex in my practice.

- Or much practice in your...
- Maude!

(laughing)

Mrs. Findlay, I want you to
order Nell to put that blanket back.

Aww, come on, Bert!

Let the wall of Jericho
come tumbling down.

If that wall comes down, we'll
have to get married right away.

I can't be running to
confession every morning.

Aren't they sweet?
Aren't they adorable?

"We'll have to get
married right away."

Bert, there's no need
to rush into marriage.

You won't be doing
anything wrong!

The devil we won't.

You just don't know
what it's like at night.

Me lying there,
listening to this wild,

beautiful creature breathing

on the other side
of that blanket!

Just a slight nasal condition.

Well, it's more than I can bear!

I lie awake,
tossin' and turnin'.

I've tried counting sheep!

But they all look like
Nell in a nightgown.

That's beautiful, Bert!

Well, it's true, love.

It really is beautiful.

I hope I feel that way
when I'm your age.

Do you think these two
know what I'm talking about?

No. They think your
pilot light's gone out.

They think because of
our age, we don't get horny!

Well, I just...

I just wish the priest

that I go to confession
to thought that!

Bert, what?!

Well, you see, ma'am,
we never really planned it,

but when the landlady was out,

at Bert's old apartment,

sometimes the wind
blew the door shut, and...

At your age?

Shame on you.

Well, that settles it.

- You're going to get married
right away, right, Walter?
- Definitely.

Yes, now, you'll probably
want a church service,

then we'll have a big
reception over here.

- Is tomorrow too soon?
- Mother!

Walter, do you think you can get a
discount on New York State champagne?

Mrs. Findlay, you're
trying to run our lives!

Oh, not for a minute!
Now, until the wedding,

you can move back into your room
and Bert can stay over the garage.

Or vice versa, I leave
that entirely up to you.

Now, just a minute,
Mrs. Findlay!

We'll get married all right!

- Good!
- But we'll get married

when we're good and
ready, and not when a couple

of 50-year-old kids tell us to!

And until then, we
will live together!

Right, Nell?

You said it, brother!

Well, I'll see you later.

Carol, where are you
going this time of night?

Over to Andy's apartment.

Weather man says we're going
to have dusty winds tonight.

She's as bad as Mrs. Naugatuck.

Can you believe those
two? I mean, this is incredible.

But it is nice that we
have something more

to look forward to
than social security.

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪