06x11 - Maude's Christmas Surprise

[bunniefuu]

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

Where's your Christmas
spirit, Maude Findlay?

Oh, shut up. Oh, I
have had it with you.

I have really had
it with you, Vivian.

Oh, yeah sure.
Now, it's all my fault.

Never again in this lifetime

will I go last minute
Christmas shopping with you.

Well, you took the last box of
Christmas cards in the whole store.

Now, here it is, Christmas Eve.

And today, I got cards from...

seven people I never
dreamed I'd hear from.

And thanks to you, I don't
have anything to send them.

In other words, you need
seven Christmas cards?

Well, actually, I
could do with four.

Three of the people I
heard from, I can't stand.

Vivian, because it is my
very favorite night of the year

and because you and
Arthur are going to be sharing

a joyful, peaceful
Christmas Eve with us,

I'll give you four of my cards.

Oh, thank you, Maude.

Maude?

What are you doing, Viv?

Uh, do you have stamp?

I've gotta get this
one off right away.

Oh, thanks.

Here we go. Here.

One of the cards I got
today was from you.

"Season's greetings from
Dr. and Mrs. Harmon."

I'm sorry it's
such a tacky card.

Vivian, you are giving me
my Christmas headache early.

I didn't think I would get
it until I saw Amy Carter

unwrapping her presents
on the 11:00 News.

Oh, thank you, Victoria.

Now, that should make
my headache go away.

I love it when the
tinsel goes on the tree.

It means that it is
the official beginning

of the happiest
season of the year.

Victoria, what's wrong?

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I know I shouldn't be crying

but this is my first Christmas
away from my family.

Oh, poor Victoria.

Oh, Victoria, honey,

I know how you feel being...

so far away from the
West Indies of holiday time.

Honey, if you feel like having
a good cry, go ahead and cry.

Oh, no. Really, I'm fine.

But it's... I think it'd be a
great idea to just let it all out.

Oh, no, ma'am. I know how much
you want this to be a nice Christmas Eve.

I don't wanna
spoil it by crying.

Oh, no, Victoria.
Don't be silly.

Honey, if you wanna
cry go ahead and cry.

It's a... it's a great outlet.

So, don't be brave.

Be brave.

Yes, ma'am.

I'll go start dinner,

but the ham isn't here yet.

They haven't delivered the ham?

Those turkeys.

Oh, how can we have our traditional
Christmas Eve dinner with no ham?

Oh, Maude.

- Hi, Grandma.
- Oh, hi Aunt Viv.

Oh, hi, Phillip.

Grandma, mom just
called from Cleveland.

Her plane's grounded and she won't
be able to be here until tomorrow night.

Oh, no. First, no
ham. Now, no Carol.

Oh, poor Phillip,
it must be so sad

spending Christmas
Eve without your mother.

Phillip, darling, I can't
possibly replace your mother.

But as a loving grandmother,

I want you to know that I'm going
to do everything I possibly can

to make sure that you
have a joyful Christmas Eve.

There, you see.

But you don't have to
worry about me, Grandma.

Sam and I are going
on a date tonight.

Phillip, you have a
date on Christmas Eve?

Yeah. First, we're gonna go to
the Tuckahoe Christmas Pageant

and look at all the costumes then
we're gonna go on a sleigh ride.

- It should be a lot of fun.
- Fun?

Phillip, Christmas Eve is
not the time to enjoy yourself.

It's the time to be at
home with your family.

But I talked to mom on the
phone and she said it was okay.

Oh, what does she know?
If she knew anything,

would she be spending
Christmas in Cleveland?

Come on.

Look, Grandma, if my going out is
gonna hurt your feelings, I'm sorry.

Oh, Phillip. Phillip, bless you.

Then you're going
to stay at home.

No, I'm just sorry.

I wouldn't miss that
pageant for anything.

My headache's back.

Oh, what's happened to
my Christmas Eve dream

of sitting in front
of a cheerful fire

sipping eggnog and
opening our presents.

Oh, Maude. Now,
everything's gonna be all right.

Look, here's Walter,
he'll cheer you up.

Merry Christmas, Walter.

Merry Christmas.
I'm going to bed.

Walter, it's Christmas Eve.

Sure, go ahead. Rub it in.

I don't give a fig
for Christmas Eve.

I mean it, Maude. No more.

It's the last Findlay
Friendly Appliance Store

Christmas party I'm gonna give.

My Christmas business
was so lousy this season,

I couldn't afford the
party in the first place.

Walter, what's the matter? Didn't
your employees have a good time?

My employees had a
wonderful time, bunch of animals.

I can't believe that
they would get so crazy

on three bottle of
Iron Curtain Vodka.

Walter, what happened? Did they
break a few fixtures, a few appliances?

They smash a TV set?

That was last year.

I didn't mind that. It was fun.

Fun? What do you mean fun?

It wasn't my money.
I'm insured for that.

What did they do, Walter?

They insulted me.

Two drinks and the
employees did like the,

tell the boss what
kind of a jerk he is.

My delivery boy
even called me a jerk.

And he doesn't drink!

Walter, maybe you
shouldn't have served liquor.

You know, the police have
been asking all employers

not to serve liquor at
these Christmas parties.

It just makes for a
lot of drunk drivers.

I know. Even Sullivan my
sales manager got bombed.

I begged him not to
drive, but he wouldn't listen.

And sure enough, he got
into an automobile accident.

- Was it serious?
- I'll say.

He drove his Pinto right into
the rear end of my Mustang.

Mrs. Findlay, is
the ham here yet?

No, not yet, Victoria.

She really loves ham.

The ham didn't get here yet?

That does it.

- I'm gonna call and cancel.
- Oh, Walter.

Now, please stop.

But we'll get the
ham someplace else.

Food City, Food Fair.

Walter, please.
What about tradition?

Honey, we always get our
hams from the same place.

Oh, Walter, call
me sentimental but...

it wouldn't be Christmas Eve without
a ham from Herb's House of Pork.

There's Arthur. Now, I bet he
has the proper Christmas spirit.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

Bah! Humbug!

And it's all your fault, Walter.

You and your annual
Christmas parties.

What are you talking about?

Your drunken sales
manager Sullivan

bashed his Pinto into my Cougar.

Oh, it's a plucky little
Pinto he's got there.

- He crashed into my car too.
- He did?

Well, then I'm glad
I had him arrested.

You had Sullivan, my
sales manager arrested?

Walter, I'm a doctor.

I can tell Sullivan was drunk the
moment he opened his car door

and fell into the street.

Arthur, I need Sullivan for
my big after-Christmas sale.

Yeah? Well, you should
have thought of that before

you threw that drunken
brawl down at the store.

Oh, will you two stop bickering?

Now, come on. This
is Christmas Eve.

It's the time when we
should all show our love

for our friends and our family.

Hello?

God, it's my mother.

Hello, mother.

Yes, I know I told
you I'd call you at 7:00.

What time is it now?

Three minutes after 7:00,

and you've been worried sick?

You want to know
why I haven't phoned?

Well, we've had an
earthquake here in Tuckahoe

and all the buildings have been
leveled and 1,400 lives were lost.

Ham.

We're having ham for dinner.

Mother, I certainly did invite you to
have Christmas Eve dinner with us.

You've said you were
going to Ruth's house.

I should have coaxed you.

Mother, I'll coax you next year.

You will so be alive next year.

You are always alive next year.

All right. All right.

Merry Christmas to you.

Oh, why? Why, why, why, why...

Why must we all hear
from our loved ones

at Christmas time?

Well, Maude, are we
gonna have dinner or what?

But we're still
waiting for the ham.

Who cares about Christmas
Eve? I'm going to bed.

Oh, no, Walter, stop that.

Come on Vivian, let's go home.

No, Walter, come back here.

Oh, Arthur, Viv,
please stay right there.

Oh, maybe Arthur's right.

Maude, maybe we should
spend Christmas at home.

Christmas at home?

I have had it with all of you.

Now, listen to me.

Do you hear? Do you hear?

Outside, the carolers are
singing the joy of Christmas.

And inside here, my
housekeeper's in tears,

my grandson isn't
going to be here,

my daughter isn't
here, my ham isn't here.

And now, my husband
and my dearest friends

are ruining this night because
they don't know how to act.

They don't realize that Christmas
Eve is a very special time.

It's a night when good
friends should be together

for peace on Earth and goodwill.

Shut up out there! I'm talking!

Do you realize what I did?

You got me so upset I
screamed at the carolers.

Please, please forgive
my husband and my friends.

I love you all. Merry Christmas!

Up your chimney, lady!

Well, here's the ham.

At least Herb's House of Pork

knows the meaning of Christmas.

Maybe if we all have something
to eat, we'll feel better, huh?

Oh, my God.

What's the matter, Maude?

This isn't a ham.

Well then, what is it?

It's a baby.

It is a baby.

Oh, a little baby.

I don't understand.

Why was there a baby left

on our doorstep?

Maybe they ran out of hams.

His heart is fine.

His lungs are clear.

You know, he has a good color.

- Cough.
- Arthur!

Sorry. Force of habit.

He's so sweet.

The poor little guy
is probably hungry.

Well, here. Here's a bottle
here with some formula.

- I'll feed him.
- Oh, Maude,
why don't I feed him?

Vivian, you don't know
anything about babies.

Well, that doesn't
make any difference.

The baby likes me
better than he likes you.

Vivian, how can you possibly know
that he likes you better than me?

Because everybody
likes me better than you.

Well, there's no answer
at the home for foundlings,

but the police are gonna send
a man over as soon as they can.

Well, I wouldn't count on that.
It'll probably take him all night

to round up the
drunks from your party.

Would you lay off, Arthur? My
nerves are frazzled enough as it is.

The one thing we don't need
in this house tonight is a baby.

Still, I know I... I'd like
to know what it means.

I mean, finding a baby on
our doorstep on Christmas Eve.

I wonder if this
is a special child.

Oh, finally got here.

I'll go put the ham in the oven.

Thank you.

It's like one of
those wonderful old

Christmas stories.

Victoria, hold the pineapple.

Oh, Mrs. Findlay,
this is a baby.

Yes. He was left on our doorstep

Oh, the poor little thing.

Oh, Victoria, let's
look at the bright side.

At least he'll be safe in a
nice warm home for Christmas.

Home for Christmas.

Dear sweet sensitive, Victoria.

She's really getting
on my nerves.

Maude, there's a pot
of water on the stove.

Why don't I just warm
up the formula, okay?

- Oh, good idea, Viv.
- Okay.

And then I'm going
to feed the baby.

And then if he's wet,
I'm going to change him.

And then I think
I'll give him a bath,

and then I'm going
to put powder on him,

and then I think I'll
give him a haircut.

A haircut?

Just a trim.

Grandma, Sam's here.

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Findlay.

Merry Christmas, Sam.

Grandma, we're all set to go.

Is it okay if we
use this blanket?

Well, of course, honey.

But listen, Sam,
you know something,

I think you kids are
making a mistake

not staying home
on Christmas Eve.

Oh, but Mrs. Findlay, the Christmas
pageant is gonna be beautiful.

I saw some of the carolers
heading there on my way here.

They're all wearing
old Biblical costumes.

And the sleigh ride
afterwards should be fun too.

No, sleigh rides are always fun.

Snuggling up under the blanket.

I remember Benny Frank
Butler and I used to do that.

Vivian.

Feed the baby.

Baby?

Where did you get
the baby, Grandma?

We don't know. He was left
on our doorstep in this basket.

Oh, he's adorable.
Can I pick him up?

I know how to hold him
because I do a lot of babysitting.

Of course, Sam.

Here we go.

- There.
- Oh.

Oh, hey, he's really cute.

Oh, there's nothing like
holding a baby in your arms.

It's wonderful, isn't it?

My mom says I have the
strong maternal instinct.

I can't wait to have a baby.

Me neither.

I don't think you two
need this blanket.

Grandma, we'll freeze to death.

Tough!

Maude, give them the blanket.

Oh, I'm sorry, Phillip.
Forgive me, Sam.

I'm just not myself today.

- Oh, Maude,
the policeman's here.
- Oh, good.

Better bring the baby.

- Oh, Sam, we better go.
- Merry Christmas,
Mrs. Findlay, Mrs. Harmon.

Merry Christmas, Sam.

And Merry Christmas
to you, baby.

Have fun on the sleigh ride.

Must you keep telling them that?

Anyway, officer,
here's the baby.

Now, please do something.

What do you expect me to do?

Officer, take him and
find out who he belongs to.

Lady, this is Christmas Eve.

Look, all over town,
there are armed robberies,

there are stabbings,
there are muggings,

or husbands and wives are
sh**ting each other with g*ns.

'Tis the season to be jolly.

I don't have time
to mess with a baby.

Well, I mean, we can't
keep the baby in this house.

There must be something
the police can do.

The only thing I can do is
book him. Has he stole anything?

Officer, you have
to take the baby.

Listen, I'll try to report. If
anybody calls looking for a baby,

- I'll give them your address.
- Oh, thank you, officer.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

That's easy for you to say.

Well, the last thing we
need in this house is a baby.

Walter, you're gonna have to go
out and get some things for him.

Go down to the
store and get some...

disposable diapers
and a teething ring.

And a football.

Well, I can't drive to the
store. I have a broken Mustang.

And I've got a bashed-in Cougar.

This whole Christmas is one big
disaster. Thanks to you, Walter.

Will you stop it, Arthur? I'm sick
and tired of hearing about your car.

You're gonna get my car
fixed. You got Sullivan drunk.

You're gonna repair the damage.

Arthur, can't you do
anything but think of yourself?

You leave my husband
alone, Mrs. Piggy.

Grabbing the last box of
Christmas cards in the store!

Listen to me. I have
worked very, very hard...

You're supposed
to be my best friend.

Shh, shh, shh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

- So adorable.
- Oh.

Oh, look. Oh, look, the
baby is smiling at me.

Hey, little baby. Look
at your Uncle Arthur.

Mrs. Findlay, I'm ready
to start the dinner now.

Victoria, you don't
look sad anymore.

No.

Just a moment ago I thought,

now, why am I
feeling sorry for myself

because I'm away from my family?

The Findlays have made
me part of their family.

So, I'm spending my
Christmas with my family after all.

- Oh.
- Oh, that's nice.

Isn't that nice?

I'll get it.

Hey, Walter, after dinner, why don't
you and I go down to the police station

and bail Sullivan out?

I'm sure you wanna have him in good
shape for your after-Christmas sale.

Why, Arthur, that's
really decent of you.

You'll never believe this.

That was a friend of
Carol's from Cleveland.

The weather cleared
and Carol is on a plane.

She'll be here in time
to open her presents.

- That's wonderful.
- Boy, that weather
sure cleared up.

- Look, it's like a miracle.
- Yeah.

- Phillip!
- Hey, Phillip!

Phillip. Honey, what
happened to the sleigh ride?

Oh, well, I don't know.

Sam and I were walking
along couple of minutes ago

and we both decided
that you were right.

Christmas Eve is really a time
to spend with the people you love.

Oh.

Oh, and your mother,
your mother is on her way.

- She'll be here tonight.
- Oh, great. How did that happen?

How did any of this happen?

A few minutes ago,
we were all arguing.

We were fighting at
each other's throats

and suddenly a miracle happened

and we're all filled with peace.

The house is full of love.

Carol is getting
out of Cleveland.

This is a special child.

You know, I bet he was sent here

to teach us all the real
meaning of Christmas.

Love.

Yes.

The same message
that other baby brought

to the world on that
very first Christmas.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

- Oh.
- What is it, Vivian?

- Look!
- ♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon Virgin mother ♪

Oh. That's the
biggest, brightest star

that's shining right
over this house.

It sure is.

I've never seen a
star like that before.

Wait a minute, how
does the story go?

They saw a star shining

in the sky

and they followed
it to a stable.

Oh!

I'm sorry to bother you, but...

did you happen to find a
baby on your doorstep?

A baby, yes, yes, he's here.

- Walter, get the baby.
- Oh, thank God.

I'm his father.

- His father?
- Yes.

We're in the Christmas pageant

and we're going around the
neighborhood singing Christmas carols

and I had my son
with us in a basket.

Yeah, he was gonna be the
baby Jesus in the pageant.

And when we were here
before singing carols,

I must have picked
up the wrong basket.

I didn't really notice
he was missing until...

someone pointed out that
there was a ham in the manger.

Yeah. Well, here's
your ham here.

Yeah, and here's your baby.

Oh, and I can't tell you
how much happiness

your son brought
to this house tonight.

Well, I'm glad and I'm
sorry for the inconvenience.

- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Maude, look.

Look.

Oh, Viv, it's either
a police helicopter

or your Christmas star
is flying off to Yonkers.

Well, that's one for the books.

Oh, why don't I just take
the ham out to the kitchen

and give it to Victoria
to put in the oven?

No, Vivian. We're
not gonna eat it.

Now, there's something
very special about this ham.

What?

The camel took a bite out of it.

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient
Yuletide Carol ♪

♪ Fa la la, ♪
la la la, la la la ♪

"Maude" was
recorded on videotape

before a studio audience.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪