* Sometimes the world
looks perfect *
* Nothing to rearrange *
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling *
* Like you need
some kind of change *
* No matter
what the odds are this time *
* Nothing's going
to stand in my way *
* This flame in my heart *
* Like a long-lost friend *
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end *
* Standing tall *
* On the wings of my dream *
* Rise and fall *
* On the wings of my dream *
* The rain and thunder *
* The wind and haze *
* I'm bound for better days *
* It's my life and my dream *
* Nothing's going
to stop me now *
Cousin, are you ready to go?
I thought we might have dinner
I heard great things
about their Moo Shu fettuccini.
Well, no time today, Balki,
I'm busy researching
a series we're doing
on mass murders.
It's really fascinating stuff.
I've discovered
that average people
can turn out to be murderers.
Could be the man
in the barbershop
with the little moustache.
with the high-powered r*fle.
Yes, it could.
Balki, I need to
finish this research,
so, if you'll excuse me?
Okay, cousin.
Bye.
"Mabel Alice Stallings,
as she is escorted into court
"under heavy security
to stand trial for m*rder."
Oh, my Lord!
It's Mary Anne!
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Larry, it has to
be a mistake.
Jennifer, face the facts.
The woman you share an apartment
with is a homicidal psychopath.
Larry, you've got to
stop watching
America's Most Wanted.
Mary Anne is my best friend.
I think I would know
if she were a mass m*rder*r.
Well, I don't think
that's something you share
even with your best friend.
Jennifer, you can't
deny the facts. Fact!
Mary Anne's picture
is in the archives. Fact!
When someone changes
their identity
Mabel Alice Stallings,
Mary Anne Spencer.
Same initials, MAS! Fact!
Hi, cousin! Hi, Jennifer.
Balki?
Yeah?
Because the refrigerator
almost k*lled me.
Well, Balki, why do you
have any appliances
strapped to your back?
I'm training, cousin.
I'm building up
the old ham things.
Mary Anne and I are going to
Mount Whitefish this weekend.
We're going to climb
Needlenose Peak.
Jennifer and I are
dealing with something
very important,
so could you please
do this somewhere else?
Sure, cousin,
I could do it over here.
No.
LARRY: No!
Cousin, the stairs
are not really a challenge.
And Mrs. Schlegelmilch
don't need her TV back
until Nightline.
Go now.
Okay!
Now where was I?
Right.
Fact!
Mary Anne
is gonna spend
the weekend alone
with Balki?
I can't let him go.
Oh, Larry!
Would you listen
to yourself?
We grew up together,
we went to school together.
We're inseparable.
Really? You've never
been apart?
Well, uh, we did lose touch
for a couple of years.
Ah-ha! And would that be
between '84 and '85?
[STAMMERS] Well, yes.
Fact!
All the murders
were committed
in 1984 and 1985.
Larry, it's just
a coincidence.
No, well, did she
ever tell you
what she was doing during
those years you were apart?
She calls it
her "Dark years."
Well, that has a nicer ring
than "My murdering,
psychotic years".
Uh, okay, wait, wait.
Explain this to me.
If Mary Anne is this
Mabel Alice Stallings,
why isn't she in jail?
Because I found out
she was acquitted.
They never found the body.
In fact, she was tried
for m*rder four times
and none of the bodies
have ever been found.
Larry, I'm going upstairs
to wait for Mary Anne
to come home.
No, no. You can't do that.
Larry, I'm going.
and we'll clear this
whole thing up, okay?
Okay.
But whatever you do,
don't call her "Mabel."
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Cousin, cousin.
Look, look what
I got Mary Anne.
I bought her this
because she was complaining
that she didn't have
a good camping hatchet.
No! No hatchet!
Mary Anne said
she needed a hatchet
that was razor sharp.
So you went out
and got it for her?
What is the matter with you?
Are you out of your mind?
Don't you see
what's going on here?
All I see is a man
with tremendous mood swings.
I mean, first you're up,
then you're down,
then you're over here,
then you're over there.
Is something bothering you?
[STAMMERS] Yes...
Yes!
Something is bothering me.
Balki, listen.
Suppose someone
who is close to you,
someone you thought
you knew really well
did a hideous,
horrible thing.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hi, Balki! Hi, Larry!
Oh, Balki, is this
my camping hatchet?
Yeah.
It's perfect.
Where's Jennifer?
Oh, she's gone.
What do you mean, "Gone"?
She was called to fill in
on a flight to Hong Kong.
I believe you.
You have no reason to lie to me.
Gotta run.
Thanks.
Balki! Mary Anne
k*lled Jennifer.
What?
Don't you understand?
Mary Anne is a mass m*rder*r.
Now, cousin, it's one thing
to call her a lousy bowler,
but now you've gone too far.
I've gotta call the police.
Cousin, are you
out of your mind?
Mary Anne
didn't k*ll Jennifer.
Jennifer's on her way
to Hong Kong,
and the police are too busy
for you to send on
some wild moose chase.
[PANTING]
Balki...
I have proof
that Mary Anne
is a m*rder*r.
Look!
That's a very nice
picture of Mary Anne.
Read the caption.
"Mabel Alice Stallings
as she is escorted into court
"under heavy security
to stand trial for m*rder."
[STAMMERS] Mabel Alice Stallings
is a dead ringer for Mary Anne.
Now what are the chances
of that happening?
One in a dozen?
Balki, if you
go on this trip
with Mary Anne,
she'll k*ll you
just like she
k*lled Jennifer.
[CRYING] I never even had
a chance to say goodbye.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello! Jennifer! Jennifer?
It's Jennifer.
Yeah, yeah, all right,
all right, listen,
just cough once if Mary Anne
is making you say this.
[STAMMERING] It's all right,
I'll stop acting like this.
Uh, uh...
h-huh, uh-huh...
No, I understand.
You don't wanna marry
a crazy man.
Yeah, I'll talk to you
when you get back.
Yeah. Yeah.
Bye-bye.
That was Jennifer?
Yeah.
She was calling
from the airport.
Hong Kong!
Hong Kong.
I'm sorry.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Well, um, if you'll
excuse me, cousin,
I, uh...
I've got a camping trip
to pack for, but... But, hey,
now that you've solved
the Jennifer m*rder,
maybe you can figure out
who k*lled Laura Palmer.
LARRY: I am so embarrassed.
I made a complete fool
out of myself.
Running around saying that
someone as sweet as Mary Anne
k*lled four men and Jennifer.
Well, I'm sure there's
a logical explanation
for this picture.
There is.
Mary Anne is a mass m*rder*r.
What?
Larry, look at the facts.
The picture,
the "Dark years,"
the hatchet.
[STAMMERS] But Jennifer's
alive and in Hong Kong.
Of course she's in Hong Kong.
So she won't be
a witness to the m*rder.
You do not have to be Columbo
to figure out
what's going on
around here.
Well, I can't let Balki
go on that trip with Mary Anne.
If you do, he's a dead man.
Mr. Gorpley, where's Balki?
Oh, he's on his way
to some mountain.
What?
Oh, he said he was
going away for the weekend.
I told him to take
the rest of the day off
and get an early start.
Wait a minute... I was nice,
and I got nothing out of it.
I just hope it's not too late.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
How ya doin', Balki?
Uh...
Well, I'm stuck.
My feet hurt.
And...
And I just dropped
my water bottle.
This is fun!
Don't worry, I'll throw down
a rope to help you.
[PANTING]
Hold it right
there, Mabel.
Huh, Larry!
What are you doing here?
And who's Mabel?
Oh, please!
I know all about you.
You may be good,
but not good enough
to outsmart Larry Appleton.
Now where's Balki?
Balki's stuck.
And I was just about to throw
this rope down to help him.
Nice try, Mabel.
Larry, what are you doing?
I'm making sure
that you don't get away.
And then,
I am going to save Balki.
[LARRY GRUNTING]
Ooh!
Oh!
I think I speak for Jennifer
when I say you are
out of the wedding!
Balki, hang on.
It won't be long now!
Tie first, then throw,
tie first, then throw.
Uh, Larry,
that's not a good idea.
Oh, and I suppose murdering
my best friend is a good idea?
No. That's not
a good idea, either.
[PANTING] Hang on,
Balki. Hang on.
I'm coming.
[GRUNTING]
* Ain't no mountain
high enough *
* Nothing can keep me
Keep me from you *
[HUMMING]
Hi, cousin.
Glad you could drop in.
Where do I come up
with them?
[GASPS]
LARRY: Oh!
Balki, thank God you're safe.
Cousin, I'm fine,
but... But you seem
a little bit upset.
You seem like a person
who's at the end of his rope.
[LAUGHS]
Where do I come up with them?
All right, Balki,
there's no time for jokes.
I've come here to save you.
Now here, grab this rope.
Okay, cousin,
I have a question.
Is this rope secure?
Because Mary Anne always said
that one of the first rules
of rock climbing
is to make sure
that your lifeline
is anchored safely.
Balki, when Larry Appleton
ties a knot, it stays tied.
[SCREAMING]
Cousin, cousin...
I got you. I got you.
I got you. I got you.
I got you. I got you.
[GRUNTS]
Cousin, we're not trapped.
We'll just ask her
to throw a rope down.
Mary Anne?
It's gonna be tough
for her to do.
Why?
I tied her up.
Why did you do that?
I tied her up because
she's trying to k*ll you.
Cousin, I told you once,
I told you twice.
I told you two times.
Mary Anne is not
trying to k*ll me.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Cousin! Cousin!
Good. Good.
Now, cousin, whatever you do,
don't even think
about falling down
because if you fall,
you're gonna have
plenty of time
to think about it
on the way down.
Now, I gotta get over there,
so just let me through.
I gotta get through.
Okay?
Okay. Okay.
Okay?
All right. All right.
I gotta get through.
Okay.
I gotta get through.
What?
Where are you going?
I'm gonna go behind you.
Okay, okay, all right,
all right, all right.
Be careful. Be careful.
Okay, all right.
Okay, go ahead, go head.
Okay. Okay.
Be careful, careful.
Here comes the leg.
The leg. The leg.
Got it.
Okay. Okay.
Go ahead.
Okay. Steady.
Ugh!
Oh! Okay, okay.
Careful. Okay.
Okay, okay, all right.
[GRUNTS]
Oh... Oh, no. Oh, no!
Eye contact? Good.
[GRUNTING]
[SIGHS]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
BOTH: Eye contact! Eye contact!
Eye contact! Eye contact!
Good! Good!
Now, cousin, I'm...
[WHIMPERING]
I'm coming down.
I'm coming down.
LARRY: Come on, come on.
Okay!
Come on.
Aah!
Now, I wanna...
I wanna get over there.
No, stay over there.
I wanna get over there.
I don't feel safe over here!
My ledge!
Okay, okay.
Okay. It's cool.
Hmm, okay, okay!
Good, okay. Okay.
All right, come on, come on.
I'm feel it touch. I feel...
Come on.
LARRY: Okay. Okay. Come on.
Okay. Okay.
Come on. Careful.
Okay. Oh!
Careful! Careful!
Ugh! Ugh!
[SCREAMING]
What is it? What is it?
Chest hair!
Chest hair! Chest hair!
[BOTH SIGHING]
Balki! Larry!
I tied the rope to a big tree.
It's safe to climb up.
Balki, it's a trap.
How did she get loose?
Mary Anne,
how you did get loose?
Oh, Larry couldn't tie a knot
if his life depended on it.
Would you like to go first?
If we grab onto that rope
and try to climb up,
she'll let go and we'll
hit the ground so hard
they'll take us home
in a pizza box!
Well, I trust
Mary Anne and...
And I'm gonna climb up
this rope.
Now, Mary Anne wouldn't
do anything to harm
either one of us, so I...
I'm gonna climb up this rope,
and if you wanna stay here,
then you sue yourself.
Mary Anne, I'm coming.
Do we have any of those
tuna sandwiches left?
[STAMMERS] Well, I'll be fine.
I'll take my chances
climbing down.
Balki?
Oh, Balki?
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
JENNIFER:
I'm sure Mary Anne
can solve this mystery.
You see, they got
the captions on these
two pictures mixed up.
This is a picture of me
Wait a minute,
is that Tim Dark?
I used to date him.
Well, after you
and Tim broke up,
we went out for two years.
I was afraid
you might get mad,
so I never showed you
that picture.
I guess these are
the Bartokomous years.
Well...
I guess I owe
everybody an apology.
Should I do 'em one
at a time or all together?
Well, when he
embarrasses us,
it's usually a group apology,
but when he lies,
it's mostly individual.
True.
Then there was
the time we got
those gift certificates.
Oh, yeah!
Individual.
Mary Anne,
I'm sorry I thought
you were a homicidal maniac
who k*lled my fiance
and was going to k*ll
my best friend.
Oh, that's okay, Larry.
Balki, I'm sorry,
I almost got you k*lled
on the side of the mountain.
Oh, come on,
don't worry
about it, cousin.
I'm just sorry that forest
ranger had to see you cry.
Jennifer, I'm sorry
for making you feel
like you're engaged
to a crazy man.
Well, Larry, I'm flattered
that you were
so concerned about me,
but frightened by how quickly
you lose touch with reality.
[STAMMERS] I promise
it won't happen again.
And now what do you say,
we all go out
and have a nice, quiet dinner?
Okay!
Okay!
Okay.
This isn't over, Appleton.
I'd sleep with
one eye open
if I were you.
[INTENSE MUSIC]
ALL: Got ya!
06x10 - Black Widow
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Series chronicles the relationship of Larry Appleton and his distant cousin Balki Bartokomous.
Series chronicles the relationship of Larry Appleton and his distant cousin Balki Bartokomous.