06x12 - Hocus Pocus

[bunniefuu]

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's going to
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street

* A light at the end

* Standing tall
Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream
Wings of my dream

* Rise and fall
Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream
Wings of my dream

* The wind and haze

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

BALKI:
Okay, Dimitri, watch closely.

We have here
an ordinary souffle pan.

We say the magic words.

Abracapocus Elia Kazan
and flambe.

Hey, cousin, you just

Life is so unfair sometimes.

Cousin, I could do it again.

No, thank you, Balki.

Well, that's okay.

The Amazing Timmy is performing

at the Youth Center
charity show.

Ping.

Balki, I'm not going to the
Youth Center charity show.

You're not going?
No.

And what did I say?
You said no.

You said no.
That's right.

Do you see a pattern here?

Well, you know,
usually, if I keep asking

eventually, I wear you down.

Well, the answer is still no.
I'll check with you later.

I'll save you the trouble.
No.

Come on, cousin.
No. No.

Come on, please.
I'm not going.

Stop it.
Oh, God.

I'm tired, I'm discouraged.

Not to mention
a little cranky.

And with good reason.

All week long I dug and I dug

trying to come up with
a big story, and I have nothing.

Nothing.

Wainwright rejected
every story idea I had.

If I don't come up
with something

a-a story,
an interview, something...

I'm going to be writing an
obituary for my own career.

Well, at least
you'll still be writing.

Well, Balki, the important
thing is that I get a story.

This is important too,
the kids wait all year

for this annual variety show.

Ow.

You know, they'll all be
looking forward to it.

You don't know
what you're missing.

I'm gonna go get dressed.

But, cousin, cheer up,
you'll come up with something.

I got nothing.
Oh, come on, cousin.

You never know,
life is full of surprises.

Ping.
Ow.

How did you do that?

Number one, I'd be violating
the code of the magicians.

And number two, I have no idea.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh.

Hello, Larry.
Oh, hello, Mrs. O'Neal.

I hope I'm not bothering you.
No.

I just wanted to drop off
these programs for Balki

to bring to the show tonight.

Well, I'll make sure
he gets them.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I have to make
the seating arrangements

talk to the lighting man

about Margaret Thatcher
stopping by.

You didn't hear that.
Margaret Thatcher?

The ex-prime minister
of Great Britain?

She's doing it for me
as a special favor.

Mags and I went to
school together.

And I promised her
there would be no press

or television people there.

Well, your secret is
safe with me.

Oh, thank you, Larry.

And remember,
mum's the word on Mrs. T.

Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum.

Yes! Yes!

Cousin?
Yes?

About that charity show--
Okay, I'll come.

Come again?

And I've been very selfish.

Putting my career
above the happiness

of those little children.
So, I've decided to come.

Oh, cousin, now everything's
coming up roses.

MAN:
Ready? Ready.

Um...this one.

Ta-da!

Yeah.
Oh, great, great.

You're a little guy.
You have so many, uh...

[KIDS LAUGHING]

It's okay. I know you're
with the Secret Service.

I'm handling things
for Mrs. O'Neil.

Is everything
on schedule with Mrs. T?

Everything's fine, thanks.

Roger.

[LAUGHING]

He's the last act, isn't he?

Oh, he'll be here.

That Timmy must love deer.

Well, cousin,
I beg to quibble with you.

I distinctly remember
Timmy telling me

that a certain Bambi was going
to be jumping out of a cake.

My mistake.

Oh, Mr. Amazing Timmy.

I want, I want you
to meet my cousin, Larry.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

[SNORING]

I have never seen a performer
so relaxed before a performance.

Balki, he is drunk.

Help me get him over
to the couch over here.

Okay.

[GRUNTS]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Oh!

Well, looks like
the Amazing Timmy

was practicing
his disappearing Scotch trick.

Balki, go get some coffee.

Cream and Sweet 'n Low, cousin?

Not for me. For him, for him.

Do you want anything?

Is this the magic act?

This is Agent Hansen.

Take Mrs. Thatcher
directly to her next stop.

Wait a minute.
What do you mean?

No, no, the show ends early

and Mrs. Thatcher has
a very tight schedule.

She goes right to her next stop.

She can't do that.

She can do
whatever she wants.

The magic act will go on.

Wake up, wake up, wake up.
You gotta get out there.

You've got to do your magic act
or my life is over.

Cousin, I had no idea
you were such a magic fan.

That's it,
this show is over.

No. No, no, no. No, no, no.
The show will go on.

We have another magician.

We do, cousin?
Yes.

Yes, the Great Balkini
will go on.

[DRUM ROLL]

Good evening.

I am the Great Balkini.

Oh.

[LAUGHING]

And I would like you now

For my first trick
I require a ten dollar bill.

Cousini, have you
a ten dollar bill?

For my first trick,
I will take this ten dollar bill

and rip it in many, many pieces.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

[CLEARS THROAT]
I will rip this ten dollar bill
into many, many pieces.

And now, I will magically
reassemble the ten dollar bill.

Voila.

[LAUGHING]

You know, I think
I know what went wrong.

I think it's supposed
to be a twenty.

Have you, have you
got a twenty, cousin?

No.
Cousin, I saw.

I know you have a twenty.
No. No.

Do another trick.

[CLEARS THROAT]
For my next trick

I will make
this table disappear.

Where do I
come up with them?

For my next trick,
I will make a rabbit appear.

[DRUM ROLL]

Please note,
there is nothing in the bucket.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Abracapocus Elia Kazam.

And voila, a rabbit-chicken.

[LAUGHING]

A rabbit chi... A rabid chicken.

Cousin, please take it away
before it bites someone.

The rabbit, get to the rabbit.
All right.

Now I will make
a rabbit appear.

Voila.

No.

Well, it looks that way to me.

Balki, Balki,
where are you going?

I'm done, cousin, it's over.
The show is over.

And if I must say so myself
Balkini was a hit.

Balki, you've gotta get back
out there and do more.

Cousin, I don't have any more.

Balki, Balki, if you
don't go back out there

Margaret Thatcher won't show up.

Eh...

Margaret Thatcher?

Margaret Thatcher?
No, I said "Body Snatcher."

"Body Snatcher."
"Body Snatcher," yeah.

Later on they're showing

Which is why it is so important
that you go back out there

because, uh,
because, uh, because, uh

because of the children.

Just look at the children.
Just look at the children.

Cousin.
Just look... All right, I lied.

I lied, I lied.

I'll tell you the real truth.

I have a very rare disease.

Cousin.
All right.

All right, I lied again,
I lied again, please.

All right, I'll tell you
the real real truth.

Well, when Mrs. O'Neil
came by to drop off the programs

she let it slip that
Mrs. Thatcher was dropping by

this evening, and she asked me
not to tell anyone.

So, naturally,
I phoned Wainwright

on his desk tomorrow morning.

I won't get my interview

and Mr. Wainwright's
gonna fire me.

So, you're only here for
your own selfish reasons.

That sounds so harsh.
And you lied to me.

Ow! Yes, I lied to you.
It was for the children--

Cousin.
All right, all right.

I'm just a selfish liar.

There's absolutely no reason
why you should help me.

Well, that's for sure.

The show will go on.
Oh, it will?

Oh, thank you, Balki.
Thank you, thank you.

But I'm gonna need your help.
You got it.

The show's going on.

Are you ready for more magic?
Yeah.

For my first encore trick

I will do the famous

Cousini, may I please have the
newspaper funnel and the milk?

Thank you.

Oh, no, he won't.

Oh, yes, he will.

I will now pour the milk
into the newspaper funnel.

You sure you know
what you're doing?

[LAUGHING]

Hey, they can't all work.

Cousini, please.

I will now attempt...

...to cut someone in half.

Anyone? Just, just, just raise
your hands, raise your hands.

Oh, here's someone.

Absolutely not.

Thank you and goodnight.

Wait a minute.

Wouldn't you, uh,

ALL: No.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.

[ALL CHEERING]

Get in the box.
Wait.

Yes, you would, yes, you would.
Wouldn't that be fun?

ALL: No!

Well, you ungrateful little--
Get in the box, Bozo.

Oh.

[KIDS GASP]

Balki, you sure
you know what you're doing?

Relax, cousin,
I've seen the Amazing Timmy

do it a hundred times.

Never could figure out
how it was done.

Now, I will attempt
to cut Cousini in half.

Whoa! Whoa. Oh!

Oh, ah, oh, oh, ah.

[SCREAMS]

Now, shall we see if
the Great Balkini has succeeded?

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Oh.

[LARRY LAUGHING]

Stop it!

Mrs. Thatcher will be here
momentarily

and she would love to say
a few words to all of you.

Balki, Balki, put me back
together. Get me out of here.

Okay.

[PANTING]

[DRUM ROLL]

Cousin, I can't,
I can't get it unlocked.

Well, try harder.

Let's, uh, let's get this
junk out of here, all right?

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm really sorry that I couldn't
let you out of the box.

Oh, that's okay, Balki.
It wasn't your fault.

I got what I deserved.

Well, I can't argue with that.

And now I have to
tell Mr. Wainwright

that I didn't get an interview
with Margaret Thatcher

because I was cut in half
and stuck in a box.

Cousin, you know,
I think Mrs. Thatcher

would find that really amusing.

She's really
quite the charming lady.

You talked to her?

You interviewed her?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, I can't believe this.

Well, you know,
I am going to need a good writer

to turn my interview
into an article.

Oh, oh, oh.

Just, uh, raise your hands.

[BANGING ON BOX]

[SOBBING]

Oh, here's one.

Thank you, Balki. Thank you.

It's pretty dry stuff.
I'll try my best.