06x15 - Little Apartment of Horrors

[bunniefuu]

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kinda change

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's going
to stop me now *

[GROANS]

I feel awful.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Balki, I don't get it.

Everyone in Chicago
has a cold except you.

Why is that?

Well, cousin, because
I drink lots of liquids

and I get plenty of rest

and I eat a regular diet
of vital animal organs.

Now I told you last July,
I says, "Cousin, in six months

"cold season will be here,

I was a fool
not to listen to you.

I guess I'll just have to make
do with this cold medicine.

No, cousin, you don't need
that cold medicine.

I told mama about your cold
and she's sending something

that will cure you.
It should be here by 10:30.

She sent it by overnight
blue-footed booby bird.

Thank you.
You're... You're welcome.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Balki, there is no cure
for the common cold.

Balki?

[GASPS]

for the common cold for years.

They discovered cave drawings

with pictures of prehistoric men
holding Kleenex.

Yeah, I have a package
for Lar-why Ape-lee-toon.

I'm Lar-why Ape-lee-toon.

Oh, cousin, cousin!

This is the cure
I was telling you about.

[GASPS]

Welcome to our home.

My name is Balki and,
and this is my cousin, Larry.

And Cousin Larry has a cold.

Now, cousin, this cure is--
Balki, Balki...

Balki.
No, but let me just say this--

I don't want to hear
about your plant

or the bird it flew in on.

Well, you ungrateful
little postnasal drip.

My mama climbed clear up
the north face of Mount Mypos

to get this plant for you.

And if you think that's easy
for an 82-year-old woman

who just underwent
a total knee replacement,

you've got another drink coming.

Luckily for you,
this is the one time

this century this plant blooms.

And your cold will go away
the minute you eat

this Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo
pod.

Balki, this Popopoloupolo
Bippity-Boppity-Boo pod

will not cure my--

Excuse me, excuse me.

Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod.

Popopoloupolo
Bippity-Boppity-Boo pod.

Excuse me...

Popopoloupolo. No...
Popopoloupolo pod.

Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod.
Bippity-Boppity-Boo pod.

Popopoloupolo
Bippity-Boppity-Boo.

I just realized
what your problem is.

You're Bippity-Boppity-Booing
instead of Poppiti-Pooping.

You hear that?
This is how it is.

Just not Boppity-Boppity,
Poppitipoo pod.

Boppity-Boo...
Poppitipoo...

Poppitipoo pod. Poppitipoo...
Bippity... Bippity...

Forget Bippity.
Bippity Populous.

Plosives. Plosives.
Bippity-boppity...

Eat the pod!
Eat the pod! Eat the pod!

Okay, give me the stupid po...

Aa-ah...

Oh!

I can breathe
through my nose again!

And my sore throat i-is gone.
And my eyes don't itch.

And your breath is minty fresh.

You're right!

Well, my cold is gone!
I feel great!

Well, of course you do!
Don't be ridiculous.

You ate the
Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod.

Balki, the
Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod

has nothing to do
with how I feel.

I took some
cold medicine earlier.

Well, cousin, there are none so
blind as those who will not ski.

The Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod
cured you.

No, it didn't.

Yes, it did.

No, it didn't.

BALKI: Yes, it did.
LARRY: No, it didn't.

Yes, it did.

Yes, it did.
No, it didn't.

Yes, it did. Yes, it did.
No, it didn't.

Yes, it did.
No, it didn't.

No, it didn't.
Yes, it did. Yes...

There's nothing
more stimulating

than watching
stupid people argue.

What were you arguing about
this time?

If sheep should be
given the vote?

No, Mr. Gorpley,
I gave Cousin Larry

a Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo
pod from

the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo
plant and it cured his cold.

No, it didn't. No, it didn't.
Yes, it did. Yes, it did.

And... And he won't admit it.

Although they all
voted the same way.

[SNEEZING]

I hate the cold season.

Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pods?
It'll cure your cold.

Oh, I don't think so, Balki.

The last time I ate something
from a wild plant I was awake

for three days and everything
I looked at had a face on it.

Lydia, do me a favor,
eat the pod and prove to Balki

that it doesn't cure
the common cold.

I'm desperate,
I'll try anything.

My cold is gone!

Well, this is incredible.

If you find a cure
for water retention, call me!

Give me one of those.

Oh...

It works.

I feel great.

I have never felt better
in my life.

I think I'll go fire someone.

Balki?

Do you realize that this plant
is the cure for the common cold?

Well, rub my chest
and call me Vicks.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

And this will make
the plant grow bigger?

Uh, yes it will.
Now, I need a Tootsie Pop.

That was for me, cousin.

Inki...

Binki...

Dwap.

Wa... Uh... That... That's it?
Just... Just three drops?

It'll grow bigger
with just three drops?

Yes, it will.
Now, cousin, don't be rude.

This plant has a name,
and her name is Marge.

With proper nurturing,

which includes
talking to Marge

and sometimes just listening
to what she has to say,

in another six months this
little Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo

plant could grow another
one or two inches.

Couldn't you, Marge?
Couldn't you?

Wait, one or two inches?

Balki, we have here
the cure for the common cold.

We should make it
grow a lot bigger.

No, no, no, cousin, Marge has
to grow at her natural rate.

Bad things happen when you alter
the delicate balance of nature.

Nothing bad will happen.

We alter the delicate balance
of nature all the time.

Do you think Cheez-Whiz
is a natural phenomenon?

Cousin, I'm not gonna give Marge
any more food and that's vinyl.

Okay, okay.

I'm sure
you're right about this.

It's late. We have to
get up early. Good night.

Cousin.

What are you talking about?
It's only 8:00!

Yeah, well, Balki,
time is relative.

Cousin, I'm not tired.

You're not tired?
No, I'm... I'm...

[YAWNING]
I'm not at all tired.

I've got laundry,
I've got homework.

I've got Legos
all over the bedroom floor.

[YAWNING]

Good night.
Good night.

[YAWNING]
But I am. Good night.

Good night, Balki.
Nighty-night.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Oh, my Lord!

I've got the cure
for the common cold!

I can cure millions and millions
of dollars... People!

Cousin! Cousin!
Come out here!

What?
Look!

I didn't do anything to it!

Well, you must have done
something! Look at it!

I didn't do anything to it. All
I-I just give it three little...

You did this!

Balki, the bigger the plant,
the more people

we can cure
of the common cold!

Is it wrong to want
people to feel good?

No, I want people to feel good
too, but, cousin, this is bad.

Nobody on Mypos ever made a
Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo plant

any bigger and they must
have had a good reason.

Wouldn't be the first time
people on Mypos

Oh, really?

They didn't have
a good reason for putting

I have to put a stop to this.
A stop to this?

You... You're gonna
put a stop to this.

Ba-Balki, what are you doing?

I'm gonna cut the
Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo plant

back to its original size.

I'll... I'll just
figure out some way

to explain it
to the children.

The children?
The little children.

Little Billy,
who... Who'll catch a cold

because you cut back
the plant.

Little Billy, who'll have to
stay home from school

and, and miss picture day
and have nothing

to remind him
of the third grade.

Remember the third grade?

[LAUGHING]
Oh.

I loved the third grade.

I played the part
of Adam Cartwright

in our school play.

Cousin, little Billy
wouldn't miss that, would he?

Oh, yes, he would.

And, and soon little Billy
and little Kimberly

and all the little children
will, will get colds. They'll...

They'll have sore throats
and fevers and runny noses.

[SOBBING]
Oh, cousin, I don't want them
to have runny noses.

No, I know you don't.
I know you don't but they will.

And pretty soon they...
They...

They won't even call it
a cold anymore.

And instead of saying,
"Mommy, I feel awful.

"I have a terrible cold."

They'll say,
"Mommy, I feel awful.

"I have a terrible...

"Balki."

[SOBBING]
Oh, cousin.

I don't want that to happen.

I know you don't,
I know you don't.

So just, just,
give me the scissors.

Why don't you just give me
the scissors?

Come on, let it go.

Put 'em down on the counter.
Slide 'em over here, come on.

Come on, you can...
Good, good! It's all right.

It's all right. It's all right.

It's all over.
Oh, God!

How could I have been
so selfish?

Oh, [STAMMERS]
I don't know, Balki.

It's... It's not like you.

[SOBBING]

Come on, come on, come on.

No, no, no, come on,
come on, come on.

I think you should just,
just go to your room

[STAMMERS] and do some

some serious soul-searching.

You're welcome.

Come on, come on!
No, I, I just...

Come on, it's all right,
it's all over.

It's all over.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, hi, come on in!

[BOTH SNEEZING]

I thought... I thought
you two had a flight
to London this morning.

Oh, we do but...

Something's different
in here. Don't tell me.

You re-upholstered the couch.

Larry, what is all this?

It's an amazing plant
from Mypos.

Well, you can tell us about it
when we get back from London.

We just need to borrow
some cold pills.

We're all out.

I've got something
that'll be even better.

[STAMMERS] It cured my cold
and Gorpley's and Lydia's.

Here, here. Trust me.

Larry, this is fantastic.
It works great.

You could market this
as a cold remedy.

Well, I haven't
thought of that.

Well, we better be going,
we're gonna miss our flight.

I feel much better, Larry,
thank you.

Their apartment looks great.

Mary Anne, the couch is the same
as it's always been.

Well, that's stupid.

Why did they re-upholster it
in the same material?

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[SIGHING]
Still busy.

since she started watching
the Home Shopping Network.

How many pair of fuzzy slippers
does her pig need?

But don't worry, cousin,
it's important we find out

what the side effect
of making the plant big is.

So I'll keep trying.

Fine, you try to get
ahold of mama.

I've got an appointment
with the vice president

of Danforth Pharmaceuticals.

Cousin, you don't know
anything about farming.

It's a drug company.

No, Balki, I'm not buying dr*gs.
I'm selling them.

Oh, cousin,
it's worse than I thought!

Balki, Balki, Balki.
Try to follow what I'm saying.

Danforth Pharmaceuticals is
a company that makes medicine

and they are very excited
about the plant.

I've got an appointment
with them in half an hour.

And when they see
what these pods can do

they are going
to give us money.

They are going to give us


or $50 million annually,
whichever is greater.

And best of all,
I am going to be so rich,

I'll be able to hire
a man full time

just to explain things to you.

Cousin, cousin...

Please don't do this.

Balki, the FDA will test it
before they sell it.

Everything will be fine.

Cousin, I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.

But this is my plant and I'm not
going to let you sell it.

It is your plant?

That's right, it is my plant.

It came from my home
and it was sent here by my mama.

That's true, that's true!

But who did your mama
send the plant to?

Who was the package
addressed to?

Who's name was
on the package, hmm?

Larry Appleton.

That's right.
That's right.

The plant belongs
to Larry Appleton.

And you opened a package
that was addressed to me

which is
a direct violation

Oh, shut up!

Fine, I am off
to Danforth Pharmaceuticals

to get our fortune.

Larry, if you don't have a cure
for this you're a dead man!

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

MRS. BARTOKOMOUS:
Balki!

[SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN]

Oh, Mama says that
a few days after eating

the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod
from the oversized plant

the facial hair disappears
and the cold comes back again.

[ALL SNEEZING]

But I ate a pod
from the small plant.

Why do I have a cold again?

Well, maybe you're not getting
enough vitamin C.

I've heard a good source
of vitamin C is vitamin C pills.

MRS. BARTOKOMOUS:
Balki!

[SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN]

Oh. Mama says that back in 1307

they had a really cold winter

and they grew the
Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pods

really big.

MRS. BARTOKOMOUS:
Balki!

[SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN]

Mama says that they chewed the
Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pods

until spring
and to this day Mypiot women

still have mustaches.

To be frank, I thought the
mustache made you look

rather sexy.

MRS. BARTOKOMOUS:
Balki!

[SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN]

Okay, okay, okay.

Uh, bye-bye, babe.

I was so close to being so rich.

Cousin, in another 100 years
the plant will bloom again

and you'll be rich
and probably dead.

Larry, I love you
even though you aren't rich.

Of course, if you were rich
it would be better.

[BOTH SNEEZING]

Cousin, you've got to learn
that money isn't everything.

In fact, if you have your
health, you've got everything.

[SNEEZING]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]