06x16 - I Saw This on TV

[bunniefuu]

* Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are
this time

* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way

* This flame in my heart
and a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Balki!

Well, I hope you're happy.
I am.

Because you are about to eat

the driest pig pancreas souffle
known to man.

You could have called.

You're right.
I am wrong. I am sorry.

I happen to have two courtside
seats to tonight's Bulls game.

Wait a minute, cousin--

You're not gonna
believe what happened.

Wainwright called me

Since he knows
I'm a big Bulls fan

he's having
the tickets sent here.

Is life good or what?

Can I wedge in a wise word here?

You promised Jennifer you would
take her to the ballet tonight.

Oh, I took care of that.

I told her I had to do
something for Mr. Wainwright.

She understood perfectly.

So you lied.

I am doing something
for Mr. Wainwright.

I'm using his tickets
at his request.

So you lied.

No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.
Yes, you sure did.

At worst,
I am massaging the truth a bit.

You gave it a full body
loofah scrub and a mud bath!

Balki, you and I are going
to the game tonight

and we are gonna
have a great time!

Oh, is that so, is that?

Well, let me tell you
it has been my observation

that every time you lie to
Jennifer something bad happens.

I saw the exact
same thing happen

on an old rerun of
a 1950s television show.

There's this big
roly-poly bus driver

always trying
to hide things from his wife

every time he does
he gets in trouble.

And he's got
this friend upstairs.

He wears a vest.
He's the smart one.

The friend comes down...

Norton!

Norton, get down here
right away! It's important!

What say there, Ralphie boy?

Sorry, it took so long.
What's up?

What's up?
I'll tell you what's up.

We--
W-w-wait, don't tell me.

Let me guess.

Because if it is
I'm gonna have to say no.

I've been havin'
very bad problems lately

with the old tum-tum.

[CHUCKLES]
A pitcher or two there.

Are you gonna let me
tell you where we're going

or are ya gonna run off
at the mouth all night?

Thank you.
Just, uh...

I'm all ears.

Just let me have it, Ralph.
Just let me have it.

Right here, Ralph. Let it rip.
Let it rip there, Ralph.

Just get the thought
and let it out. Let it out.

Norton, you are a mental case.

Will you sit down?
Alright, Ralph!

You were saying?

Two guys dropped out

of the Pro Am
Bowling Tournament tonight

and you and I are gonna
take their places.

Hold the phone!

We are gonna be bowling
with professionals?

Guys who own their own
bowling shoes?

Va-va-va-voom!

We are a couple
of lucky stiffs!

Hi, Ralph.

Hi, Ed.

The tailor said
he wants to know

Hardy har har.

I'm sorry I'm late, Ed, I had to
stop at the butcher shop

to get ya lamb chops
for dinner.

What are ya cooking me
for dinner tonight, Alice?

Nothing. Did you forget?
We're going to my mother's
for dinner.

[LAUGHING]
Alice, hey,
you're out of luck there.

Uh, Ralph and I are gonna go--
No, no, Norton, Norton...

Norton, don't you have
to go upstairs and eat?

Nah, it'll take, uh, Trixie

like a half an hour
to cook dinner.

Well, maybe you should go
watch her.

Ralph, I know
when you're kiddin'.

I've seen Trixie cook before.

Hey, Trix, remember
the time you were making 'em

potato pancakes, flipping them,
up they go, down they go.

Get out of here!
Sheesh! What a grouch!

Come on, Ed.

Alright.

Will you get outta here?

Bye, Alice.

Alright, Ralph,
what's going on?

Well, uh...

Uh...

I didn't want
you to know that, uh...

That, uh, I was gonna work
an extra shift tonight.

Well, why not? You work
extra shifts all the time.

Well, uh...
Uh... I, uh...

I, uh, I didn't want
you to know that, uh...

That I've been,
uh, saving up to buy you

that, uh, new refrigerator
you wanted.

And, uh, the money
I was gonna make tonight, uh,

would have been enough
for the first down payment.

Oh, Ralph, that's so sweet!

You want me to have dinner
with your mother

so that's where I'll be.

Oh, no, you won't! You go ahead
and work your shift!

My mother will understand.

Hey, Ralph.
Argh!

You're good.
Argh!

Come on, Ralph! You're doing it.

You're almost there, Ralph.
Argh!

Come on, Ralphie.
Ralphie boy!

There we are there.
Argh!

Alright.

[SIGHS]

Same way as it always happens
when you go bowling.

You picked up
your bowling ball,

you made your way
to the line.

Then you realize
all eyes are on you.

So, you decided to put somethin'
a little extra on the ball there

just a little somethin'
extra on the ball there

give it a little extra body,
as if you needed extra body.

And then you let her go,
and before you knew it

you were flat on your keister,
just lying there

like a beached whale
waiting for someone

to pull the cup out
of your mouth there, Ralph.

Will you knock it off?

Now look,
Alice will be here any minute.

You gotta help me hide
the fact that I hurt my back.

Uh, wouldn't it be easier
just to tell her what happened?

"Wouldn't it be easier just
to tell her what happened?"

Why don't I just wear
a sign on my back

that says kick me hard?

Not a good idea
with your back out, Ralph.

Oh, you are nuts,
you know that, Norton?

Now listen,
if you help me out tonight

my back will be fine
in the mornin'

and Alice will never know
I went bowlin'.

Ralph, I'm glad you're here.

I've been thinking
about the new refrigerator.

Now, I'm not sure
how it's gonna look in the space

the icebox out of the way
and put something over there

that's the size of
the new refrigerator?

Now?
Yeah, Ralph, now.

You know, uh, Alice,
that is a terrific idea.

Really sensational.

What do they call, uh, uh,
inferior decorators.

Alice, it's late.
We'll move the icebox
some other time.

Is there some reason you
don't want to move the icebox?

No, no reason.

You want it moved,
we'll move it.

[GRUNTS]

Norton, how about giving me
a hand with this?

Sure, Ralphie.
Ow!

[GRUNTING]

Argh! Argh!

[GRUNTING]

Alright, Norton,
help me pick this thing up.

Okay. On three.
Ready, Ralph?

One... Two...
What'd ya got in here?

Will you get outta there?

Three!

[BONES CRACKING]

Ow!

Argh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Argh!

[BANGING]

Ooh!

[GRUNTING]

[BANGING]

Argh! Oh!

Oh!

Is there something wrong
with your back, Ralph?

No. Why would there be
something wrong with my back?

Because you and me
was bowling--

Will you knock it off?

Listen, Alice, I can explain.

Save your breath, Ralph.

I know everything.

stops in front of
the bowling alley.

how Kramden threw his back out

and almost rolled down
the alley with the ball.

I'll be up at Trixie's
till I calm down.

Hey, hey, hey.

I hate to, uh, rub salt
in your wound there, Ralph.

Ow!

But you should have known
that Alice's bus

was gonna go by
the bowling alley there.

I mean,
you are a bus driver, right?

I mean, you gotta
use the ol' noodle.

You are drivin' that bus there
right down 42nd Street

right to Broadway, the guy
that sells the newspaper there--

Will you knock it off?

Hey, uh, your back looks
pretty bad there, Ralph.

It is bad.

Looks like you can hardly move.

I can't move at all.
Not at all?

I just told you,
I can't move at all!

Alright then.

Norton, what're you...
Norton, put that back!

Norton! Ah! Norton!
I'm gonna murdelize you.

Next day, Ralph's back was
so bad, he have to stay home

the whole day
and listen to Alice yell at him.

You see what I'm driving at?

It has nothing
to do with real life.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

There is no way in the world

that Jennifer is gonna find out
about that basketball game.

Oh, hi, Jen.
Hi, Larry.

to our apartment
instead of yours.

Save your breath,
I know everything.

Larry, you've lied to me for
the last time. Enjoy the game.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave

when first
we practice to conceive.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Cousin, you're crying.

Balki, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

It's been a week,
Jennifer still won't talk to me.

I've tried everything.

I've sent her flowers,
candy, perfume.

She just sends everything back.

I'm beginning to think
it's all over between us.

Oh, cousin, you're making
a mountain out of mohair.

Come on,
Jennifer still loves you.

She'll forgive you if you just
tell her you're sorry

you were lying
and you'll never do it again.

She'll never buy that.

But, you know,
if I do something heroic

to show how much I love her,
she'll have to forgive me.

Cousin, that never works!

Now, Ralph had
the same problem with Alice.

She wasn't talking to him

after he lied about
the bowling incident

so instead of telling her
the truth

he got his friend, Norton,
that's the smart one

to come down and help him
to, to appear to be a hero

so that
she would like him again.

Hello, Alice.

You havin' a good day, Alice?

You feelin' okay?

Trixie, please tell Ralph if he
really cared anything about me

he wouldn't have lied.

Alice says if you cared
anything about her

you wouldn't have lied.

Come on, Alice.
Give me a break.

It's been a week.

Trixie, tell Ralph
as far as I'm concerned

the suffering has barely begun.

Alice says--
I heard what Alice says.

You think I was the only guy
in the world

who ever lied to his wife?

Norton, you must have lied
to Trixie once or twice.

Well, uh, tell you
the truth there, Ralph, uh,

in 13 years of marital bliss,

I, uh... I never yet once
lied to Trixie.

Ed said he once thought
about lying to me

but he felt so guilty
he bought me

Yeah, and I, uh, I wrote her
a little poem to go with it.

Roses are red,
violets are bluer,

can you ever forgive
your guy from the sewer?

How do you like that?

He's a poet, and he don't
even know that he is.

Alright. Alright.

What do you want me to do?
Say I'm sorry?

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. Now, shut up!

You know, Ralph, the only thing
bigger than your mouth is your--

Don't say it, Alice!

Come on, Trixie,
let's go to a movie.

Okay. Bye, Ed.

I hope you choke
on your raisinets.

How do you like that?

Norton, this is killin' me.

I don't mind
the silent treatment

but Alice won't cook for me.

I have to get her
to forgive me.

I can't take another night of
eating beans out of the can!

I don't know, Ralph.
She seemed pretty steamed.

Hey, you, uh, you got a fork?

If I do something
to prove to Alice

how much I love her,
she'll have to forgive me.

Now, I got a plan,
but I'm gonna need your help.

I'm with you.
I'm with you 100%!

Alright, now you are gonna
have to disguise yourself

as a robber and then sneak in
here later tonight.

Now, it's real important

Don't worry, Ralph

and nobody knew it was me.

Hello, there.

I am a tomato.

You may think
I am a vegetable,

but I am really a fruit.

You're not a fruit, Norton,
you're a mental case!

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah, alright.

Now after you break in here
and say you are a robber

you say that you want
Alice's wedding ring.

Now, I'll say that I would
rather die than give it to you.

You'll be so moved
by the depth of my love

that you'll leave
without Alice's wedding ring.

Ralph, I gotta tell you,
I'm touched.

You would rather die
than-than-than

let somebody have
Alice's wedding ring?

[SNIFFLES]

You sweet kid,
but it won't work.

No, you gotta wine her,
dine her, dance her.

[SCATTING]

Nah, that won't work.

[SNAPS FINGERS]
I got it. I'll help her dust.

Nah, why don't you
just buy her a fur coat?

Nah, that won't work.

Oh, I think she's got
a good point there, Ralph.

Ooh!

Alice!

What have you got to say
for yourself now, Ralph?

I got a big mouth!

Alice was so mad
at Ralph

that not only did
she not speak to him

for, for two weeks, but she make
him sleep on the fire escape.

[LAUGHING]

I love that show.

I should have known that someone
as wonderful as Jennifer

could never love somebody
as low and devious as me.

Oh, I think she could.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Larry, is this from you?

Well, uh--
Cousin, come on.

Who else would it be from?

Oh, Larry, when I saw
this little guy sitting

on my fire escape
with two tickets

to the ballet in his paws,
I knew I'd been too hard on you.

W-w-wait, Jennifer,
I didn't leave

that bear on the fire escape.

The person who did
is much nicer than I am

and I think I have a pretty good
idea who that person is.

Balki, was it you?

Well, I was just trying to help.

Oh!
Oh, oh!

Well, what was that for?

Well, Larry, you could have lied
and said the bear was from you

but you didn't.
You told the truth!

I did, didn't I?

I think we've had
a breakthrough here!

Well, this is cause
for celebration.

What do you say
we all go out to dinner tonight

at Antoine's Cajun Kitchen?

Oh, it's a wonderful idea.

Balki, you wanna call
and make us reservations

for four at 8:00?

Four at 8:00,
you got it!

[SCATTING]

[STERNLY]
Will you just make the call?

Baby, you're the greatest.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]