06x19 - See How They Run

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC]

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder
the wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's gonna
stop me now

BALKI:
Look at this, Ms. Lydia.

I'm running for
Student Body President

at the Chicago City College.

Ah!
Balki, that's terrific.

Yeah.
How's it going?

Oh, just as sleazy as pie.

Just like campaigning
on Mypos.

All you have to do
is make sure

that everyone knows
how you feel

about the important issues.

that I'm pro-sheep
and anti-wolf.

Coming out against wolves

is a good start, Balki.

But, uh, maybe you should ask
Larry to help you.

Yeah.

that I'm, that I'm running.

Oh, well, if you tell him,
I'm sure he'd help you

with your campaign,
why don't you ask him?

[CHUCKLES]
Well, because if I, uh

if I ask Cousin Larry
to help me

with my campaign,
um, I'm sort of afraid

Cousin Larry will
help me

with my campaign.

Uh, I don't know
if you've noticed

but Cousin Larry

he's trying
to be helpful

but-but he tends
to go overboard.

He's kind of
a type-A personality.

So, I-I-I beg of you

please, promise me,
you won't tell Cousin Larry?

A team of wild horses
couldn't drag it out of me.

Thank you, Ms. Lydia.

Of course, the sweaty cowboy
pulling the reins

might have a sh*t.

Hi, Balki.

Oh, I see you're running

for Student Body President.

Oh, good luck
with your campaign--

no matter what you do,
there is absolutely

no way that I'm...

What did you just say?

I said, "Good luck
with your campaign."

Well, bang my bongos
and call me Daisy.

You mean to say that, that
you're not gonna force yourself

into my campaign and,
and then go overboard

and make yourself
a royal pain in the boingi?

Oh!

Oh, I see.

I see, you think
because I lost

every campaign
I managed in school

that I would see your campaign
as my last chance

to be a winner.

You lost every single campaign?

Uh, it used to bother me,
but I'm over it.

Those 120 hours
of self-help tapes cured me.

to win just once.

So...good luck.

I hope you win.

Wait one
finger-lickin' moment.

Are you telling me
that we can discuss this

and your eyes won't
bulge out of your head

and that vein in your forehead
won't start throbbing?

Oh, sure.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that syndrome
is covered in tapes

one through 43,

"Coping and being at peace
with your body."

"My body is like a hollow reed.

Troubles blow through me
like the wind."

[INHALES]

[WHISTLES]

Okay.
Uh, well, cousin, I...

I'm glad you've
weathered that storm

because I'd love to
tell you about my campaign.

Well, I'd love to
hear about it.

Well, um, if I'm elected

my goal is to reinstate
the language requirement.

That means
every student have to

take a foreign language
to graduate.

I feel that we'll all understand
each other better

if we can speak
in another man's tongue,

walk in another man's shoes

see the world through
another man's binoculars,

cure another man's ham...

I'm still fine-tuning
my platform.

You call that a platform?
Okay, here it is!

I knew it was coming!

[SPEAKING MYPOSIAN]

No, wait, no. I know.
I know.

You thought that I was
just gonna jump in and go crazy

but I was only asking,
if that's your platform.

And if it is...

...I hope it works for you.

Really?
Really.

Aw, thank you, cousin.

I haven't even started baking

my special election
spleen chip cookies.

Spleen chip cookies?
Yeah, original recipe.

And now with pimentos.

Well, well...

You know, Balki, uh,
I don't want you to think

that I'm getting involved
in your campaign

because I'm not.
Really.

But as
a disinterested bystander,

uh, would you allow me to say
that spleen chip cookies

are not gonna be enough
to, to get you elected.

Well, of course they're not.

Don't be ridiculous.

That's why each student
gets a special

"Vote for Balki"
sheep kidney coin pouch.

Oh, no, no.
Don't touch, cousin.

It's not quite dry yet.

Balki, sheep kidney coin
pouches and spleen chip cookies

with or without pimentos,
may work on Mypos

but in America,
you need slogans

buttons, posters,
position papers.

We have got to set up
meetings with the voters.

We're gonna have to,
did I say "We?"

Because I meant "You."
You.

This is your campaign.
Not mine. I wouldn't do it.

[CHUCKLES]
I put all that behind me.

[CHUCKLES]
No, no way. No how.

Not in a million years.

Don't need it, don't want it,

wouldn't do it,

not this guy.

You want in,
don't you, cousin?

Please, please, please.

Okay, okay. You can be
my campaign manager.

Oh, thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!

But you have to
promise me one thing.

Anything.
You won't go overboard.

I promise
I won't go overboard.

Oh.

[DRUM BEATS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Balki, I'm glad you're here.

Let me show you
around campaign headquarters.

You promised me, you were
not going to go overboard.

And here you are

scraping barnacles
off the Titanic!

Balki, this is just
a bare minimum.

We have posters
with your picture

we're putting up
all over campus.

We have people calling students

urging them to vote for you.

We have volunteers
stuffing campaign literature

into envelopes.

"Dear fellow student..."
No time now.

You can read
what you said later.

Have you noticed

how handsome you look
in the poster?

Oh, cousin,
it's a real Kojak moment.

Now, over here,
we are tallying

the latest results
of a poll we've just taken.

I want to know how much
of a lead I have built for you.

I'm good, Balki.
I am really good.

Balki, this is so exciting.

And I'm gonna be
First Girlfriend.

I've recruited
Jennifer and Mary Anne

Oh, I'm gonna speak
on your behalf

at the women
in College Foundation.

And I'm talking
to the cheerleaders.

I speak their language.

Give me a B!
ALL: B!

Give me an A!
ALL: A!

Give me an L!
ALL: L!

That's good. Save it, save it,
save it for the rally.

Cousin, are all
of these people

going to stay to dinner?

and you know how hard
it is to stretch snout.

Balki, they're not
staying for dinner.

These are your campaign
working volunteers.

They believe in you.
They love you.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, your job
is just to be yourself.

Just...be Balki.

You think you can handle that?
Well, of course I can.

Don't be ridiculous.

I've got the vest, the accent

and 26 years
of experience.

I knew you could do it.

Oh, cousin,
I'm gonna need your advice.

You've got to tell me
which vest do you think

I should wear to the debate.

What debate?

the day before the election,
isn't that great?

No debate! No debate!
Debates are a big mistake.

But, cousin, don't you think
it's a good way

to show the students
how I feel about the issues?

I've got that covered.
Don't worry about it.

Have I told you how good I am?

Twice.
Okay.

you'll be meeting
with the football team.

You'll tell them how important
you think sports are

to the school's image,
got it?

Okay, then at 10:30, you'll be
meeting with the science club.

You'll tell them, you think
education is important

and too much of the school's
budget is spent on sports.

Got it?
Too much on sports. Got it.

Okay, at noon, you'll be
meeting with the fraternities.

You'll tell them, you think
entirely too much time

is being spent in the classroom

Too much fraternity.

meeting with
the Honor Society.

not to party, and you're pushing
for Saturday classes, got it?

Okay, cousin,
small, small question

from a simple Mypiot boy.

This looks like I'm just telling
everyone what they want to hear.

Welcome to politics.

I am so proud of you.

Now, cousin,
just hold on a moment.

Are you asking me
to do something dishonest?

But, Balki,
you want to

Yes.
Well, to do that.

You're gonna have to get elected
Student Body President

and I am the man
to help you do it.

Cousin, I think
I can make my position

on all the issues
clear at the debate.

No debate!
Forget the debate!

First rule of campaigning,
do not debate!

Uh, Larry I have the results
of the latest poll.

Attention!
Attention, everybody!

Go ahead, Jennifer.
Give them the good news.

Cousin, I--
Uh, Larry, I think we should--

Balki, for the last time,
no debate! No debate!

Go ahead, Jennifer.

Tell them how far
Balki is ahead.

Balki is trailing
by fifteen points.

You're gonna have to
debate your opponent.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Balki, for the last time

you are not going to wear

the traditional
Myposian election hat!

BALKI:
Oh, is that so, is that?

Give it to me!
No!

Give it to me!
No!

Give it to me!

[BABBLING]

[PANTING]

Jennifer, Mary Anne

Balki is ready
for the mock debate.

I've groomed him,
I've prepared him.

It's taken five years
off my life.

[SOBBING]

Oh, ladies...

the next
Student Body President

of Chicago City College

Balki Bartokomous.

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, Balki, you look
so handsome in that suit.

It needs a hat.

It doesn't need a hat.

Okay, ladies,
take your seats.

Now, Balki...

[PANTING]

Remember, ahem,
presentation is key...

Right.

...to winning the debate.

Well, what do we do
to improve our presentation?

Um...
Oh! Oh!

I don't rest my hands
on the podium.

It makes me look lazy.

And, uh... Uh, and...
Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Oh! And I don't
fidget with my tie.

It, uh, it makes me
look, uh, nervous.

Uh-huh.
What else?

Heck if I know.

[GRUNTS]

Oh! I never use the phrase,
"Heck if I know."

It makes me sound,
it makes me sound chloroformed.

Uninformed.
Uninformed.

Uninformed. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.

And...

Ee...

Oh! Uh, remember to smile.
Okay, good.

Good, good. All right.
Okay.

Jennifer, ask
the first question.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mr. Bartokomous...
Uh-huh?

What is your position
on the financing

of student loans?

Student loans?

Boy, I wish I had a hat.

Balki!
Okay, okay, okay.

Mr. Bartokomous,
what is your position

on the financing
of student loans?

Jennifer, uh, uh, I'm glad
you asked me that question

because the financing
of student loans

um, is an issue
that deserves my attention

and, uh, and, uh,
let me assure you

that my attention
is what it will receive

in its complete
and unabridged form.

Uh, and the financing
of student loans

is actually part of,
uh, of my...

...ten point program
for better schooling.

Yes, Balki,
you are doing great!

Oh!
Ah! Ah!

Smile.

Larry, I have to talk to you,
I have something to tell you

that's going to upset you.

You've changed your mind.

You're not gonna marry me?

That's awful!
You didn't tell me that!

That's not the bad news.

Well, maybe not to you,
but think of poor Larry.

Larry, the bad...

Oh!

The bad news is
the athletes found out

They've switched their votes
to Balki's opponent.

All right, I thought
this might happen

I gotta tell Balki.

Come on, Mary Anne,
we better take our seats.

You know, it's a good thing
Larry has this campaign

to take his mind
off the broken engagement.

Balki?

The athletes have decided
to change their votes

to your opponent.

Well, people change
their minds.

Pigs, on the other hand,
make one decision

and stick with it.

[SNORTS]

Balki, don't you understand?

we're going to
lose the election.

Now I have an easy fix,
all we have to do is

lose the language thing
and they'll switch back to us.

Cousin, wait a minute.
Are you...

You know sometimes,
I think

you're just a few grapes
shy of a bunch.

Have you been listening?

I cannot lose
the language thing.

I cannot give that up.

Balki, your goal
is to get elected.

Tell them what
they want to hear.

Cousin, isn't that
just a bit dishonest?

It's the American way.

But won't
the students mind?

Mind?
They expect it!

Wait a minute...

Uh, preceding the debate

there will be
an opening statement

by each candidate.

Uh, Mr. Bartokomous, we're ready
for your opening statement.

Uh, thank you,
my fair chair lady

faculty and my worthy opponent

and students.

My name is Balki Bartokomous

of the students,
for the students

by the students.

Ah! Ah!

Ee...

Uh, if elected, I promise

to be firm, yet flexible

tough, yet vulnerable

soft, yet absorbent.

I would like to establish
a kinder, gentler cafeteria.

[APPLAUSE]

We will now open the floor

to questions
for Mr. Bartokomous.

Uh, yes, in the pink angora.

My name is Lisa Morgan.
Mr. Bar--

Hi, Lisa!

Hi.

Mr. Bartokomous

you said you wanted to be
the Education President.

But when you spoke
in front of the fraternities

you said education
was overrated.

Where do you stand?

because where I stand

uh, deserves my attention.

And I can assure you
that where I stand

'will receive my attention'

in its complete
and unabridged form.

Good answer.
Um, wait a minute.

That doesn't seem
to make any sense to--

What about the rumor
that you want us to take

some dumb language
before we graduate?

I'm glad you asked
that question

because I cannot lie to you.

Now, let me just--
Uh, uh, yes. Uh...

He has another engagement.

that, uh, if elected...

Cousin, please.

Please, I have to do this.

Listen, if you're
going to vote for me

you've got to know who I am

and what I really believe in.

My name is Balki Bartokomous

and I'm a sheepherder
from Mypos.

And yes, if I am elected
I do intend

to reinstate
the language requirement.

[BOOING]

I lost, Balki.

I lost big.

You know, I wanted
to win just once.

Cousin, would you
please stop this?

You did not lose.

I lost. I lost. I did.

I lost the election.

You're right, Balki.

You're the big loser.

And don't you forget it.

I can't believe
you're taking this so well.

You lost.

I didn't get
elected president

but I got what I wanted.

My opponent thought

that reinstating
the language requirement

was a good idea
and she's gonna push for it.

And that makes you happy?

Happy?

I'm erratic!

Oh, God!
Oh, goodness!

I lost again!
Oh, no.

I've lost 13
student elections

and the last one
I wasn't even a student!

Okay.
Oh, God.

Okay, here we go,
tape number one.

I can't belie...

"My body is a hollow reed.

"Trouble blows through me
like the wind."

[WHISTLES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]