06x20 - Climb Every Billboard

[bunniefuu]

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just

* Get a feeling like
you need some kind of change

* No matter
what the odds are this time

* Nothing's going
to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long-lost friend

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze
I'm bound for better days

* Ahh ah aha ah

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's going
to stop me now *

* I've been working
in the mail room

* All the live long day...

Oh, Balki.

* Someone's in the basement
I know oh oh

* Someone's in the basement
with Balki...

Balki.

* Fee fi fiddly I oh

* Fee fi fiddly I oh

* Fee fi fiddly I oh

* Oh...

* Strummin' on the old banjo *

Balki, you'll never guess
what just happened.

I was sitting at the lunch
counter and in walked the mayor.

Get out of the city council.

Did you talk to him?
Talk to him?

I went right up to him,
introduced myself.

He looked me right in the eye

I know I made a good impression.

I could tell as they were
dragging me away from the table.

So what did you do for lunch?
Well, uh, just the usual.

I went to the lunch truck
and got a soda.

I went to the Wilcox building
and got a job offer

went to the park
and fed the pigeons.

You did what?
I fed the pigeons.

And, cousin, the little pigeon
with the broken wing?

I got him to eat out of my hand.

The job offer!
Tell me about the job offer!

Oh, there's not much to tell.

Uh, Mr. Beekman,
the building manager

wants me to be
the head of the mailroom.

Balki, that is great!

More money?

Well, um, mmm-hmm yeah.

Uh, about twice
what I'm making now.

And, cousin, the little pigeon

I think he's got a girlfriend.

Oh, I...I'm not sure
I'm gonna take the new job.

Oh! Oh!
Oh, holding out for more money.

I taught you well.
It's not the money.

And you never taught me
Bo Diddley.

It's just that I'm not sure
I want a new job.

If I leave here
I'd miss all my old friends.

Well, Balki,
you'll make new friends.

At double your salary
you can buy new friends!

Cousin, don't pressure cook me.

On Mypos we, we don't,
we don't rush into decisions.

We, we just give them
a lot of care

and thought and preparation.

Well, I guess
that makes sense.

So on Mypos, when you're faced
with a major decision

you climb to the top
of Mount Mypos

and then you just sit there and
wait for a sign from Destiniki.

Destiniki?

The God of Decisions.

He lives in the clouds

attended by his guitar playing
daughter Domoniki.

Niki Niki.

Well, well,
so what do you do?

Just stand around and wait

for a telegram
to drop out of the sky?

Well, of course not!
Don't be ridiculous!

When Destiniki determines that
your decision is a done deal

you don't dare doubt him, dude.

You feel a tap
on your shoulder

right there and then you feel

someone turns you around
three times.

And then you hear a voice
whispering in this ear...

And that's your answer.

Then of course you fall down
on your knees and give thanks.

That's the stupidest thing
I ever heard.

Getting your decision from
some spirit named Desenexos.

Destiniki.

Desenexos is the healer
of foot fungus.

Well, I stand corrected.

And even if it weren't stupid,
and I'm not giving that up...

Now, that you're in Chicago
the chances of you finding

a mountain to climb
are pretty slim.

[SCOFFS]
Ha.

You pouting Thomas.

I find my mountain.

Now if you'll excuse me

I have to go home
and prepare myself

for Destiniki's visitation.

First thing I'm gonna do, I'm
gonna soak in a tub of Ovaltine.

What is that?
Some kinda purification ritual?

No, it just opens my pores.

Appleton?
LARRY: Yes, sir,
Mr. Wainwright?

Believe it or not I finally
liked one of those memos

you slip under my door
every day.

Well, thank you, sir.
Uh, which one did you like?

I like the idea about
having someone from the paper

live on a billboard until
the Bulls losing streak is over.

I want to
implement it immediately.

Oh, great!
Who volunteered to do it?

Nobody volunteered.
It's the middle of winter.

It's your job to get an employee
up on that billboard

by game time tomorrow.

and I've arranged
to use the billboard

on the top of
the McIntosh building.

Well, who am I gonna get
on such short notice?

Well, I'm, I'm very busy
right now, sir.

They terrify me.

They, they make me
hyperventilate.

That's your problem.

Just get somebody up there
by one o'clock

tomorrow afternoon
or it's your job!

Uh, yes, yes, sir! one o'clock!

I have the perfect man
for the job!

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Balki! Balki. Come out here!
I have to talk to you.

Balki?
Yeah?

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Balki, where are you going?

Cousin, I found the mountain,
and with any luck

Destiniki will find me
and he'll come down

and he'll tap me
on the shoulder, right there

and then he'll turn me around
three times...

And then he'll whisper
my decision in my ear.

So, uh, if you'll excuse me,
I have a 12-hour bus ride

ahead of me to Mount Woolaroc.

Balki, you can't
go to Mount Woolaroc.

Mount Woolaroc
is an Indian name meaning

"Mountain Where Bad
Decisions are Made."

General Custer
sat on Mount Woolaroc

and decided to fight
the Indians.

Somebody from the Coca Cola
company went up there

and decided to change
the original formula.

Shelley Long goes up there
to decide which movies to make.

Well, cousin...

Thank you. You saved me a long
trip to make a bad decision.

Although, would've been
nice to meet Shelley.

Well, you only half helped,
cousin, now I...

I have nowhere to go.

Well, alright,
alright, don't panic.

Where could you go?

A high place.
Waiting for a sign.

High...sign.
High sign...

Placing yourself
on a high sign...

I've got it!

The billboard on the top
of the McIntosh building!

It's a high place, it's on a
sign, you get an overview...

No, it would never work.
Cousin! Cousin!

Don't you see the poetry of it?

Waiting for a sign on a sign!

Do you think so?
Cousin, I think it's perfect!

Well. Alright, if you feel
that strongly about it

I'm not gonna stand in your way.

You know, now that I think about
it, it does make sense.

I mean,
you get a good night's sleep

you go up there
just in time for tip-off...

Did I say "Tip-off?"
I meant "Take off."

Take off about 12:30,


Oh, cousin, I don't know
how to thank you.

Hey, buddy, I'm here for ya.
Oh, boy.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

I'll just, uh...

Help you get settled up here,
then I'll be on my way.

Oh, God! Oh, God!
Don't look down.

Don't look down, Balki.

Whatever you do,
just don't look down.

Okay! I did it!
You can do it, Balki.

Just as long as you don't
look down, you'll be okay.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!
No, no!

[SCREAMING]

Hey, cousin, you know what?
You were right. This is perfect.

I know I'm gonna reach
a great decision up here.

You know what?

This reminds me of Mount Mypos.
Absolutely.

Except there are,
there are no goats and no...

No eagles nests and
no thr*at of volcanic eruption

and, uh, actually it-it doesn't
remind me at all of Mount Mypos

but I love it! I just love it,
love it, love it!

Love it, love it, love it!
I just love it.

Balki! Balki!

Get away from the edge!

Cousin, I, I can see
the parks from here!

Do you think
my little pigeon friends

Steve and Eydie,
ever come up here?

Will you forget about
Steve and Eydie?

romantic nesting place it is.

[IMITATING A PIGEON]

Will you stop fooling around?

I'll punch you into next week!

And then I'll find you

and I'll dropkick you
into last month!

[SCREAMING]

Hey, cousin...

Cousin, look down there.

Cousin, there's...there's
television cameras down there

and...and all kind of people.

What are they doing
looking at us?

Well, Balki, there's more
than a little interest...

In your decision
about your new job.

As soon as I know, you'll know!

Balki...they can't hear you.

Alright, well, I'll just,
uh, leave you up here

and let you get settled.

Cousin, what do you want?
Hmm?

Didn't you just tap me
on the shoulder?

No.

Start in on your decision,
and take all the time you need.

It's not something
you wanna rush into.

If it were me, I'd take two,
maybe three weeks.

Well, I can see you're involved
in some kind of meditation.

So...I'll be on my way.

No, cousin, that won't be
necessary. I'm coming with you!

No, Balki! Get off.
Cousin, let me...

Get off! Get off!
Get off the ladder!

[SCREAMING]

What is the matter with you?

You have an important
decision to make.

You have to stay here.

Cousin, can't you see my new
found knowledge has me glowing

like my Pee Wee Herman
night light?

Alright, Balki,
you can't do this.

Well, you can't stop me.
Well, Balki.

You have to stay here.

No, I don't.
Yes, you do.

No, I don't.
Yes, you do.

[CRASHING]

Yes, I do.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

My heart wants to believe
that, that was an accident.

However, my eyes
saw you deliberately

kick that ladder down.

I did it for you.

I did it to keep you
from rushing into

a bad career decision.

I mean, shouldn't you
be getting another opinion?

Isn't there someone
else you can call?

Opinioniki?

Futurini?

What-should-I-do-ko-nou-ko-niki?

Listen, I want
the truth and I want it now.

Alright.

and he's after you and this is
the only place you'll be safe.

Cut the babasticki!

Alright, alright.

But I want you to know,
I resent being pushed this far.

I suggested to Wainwright
that, that somebody live

on this billboard until
the Bulls losing streak ended

and he loved the idea and told
me to get someone to do it.

Well, I'm afraid of heights

so I tricked you
into coming up here.

Liar, liar, pants for hire!

Will you just tell me the truth?

Balki, that is the truth!

Doesn't it sound
like something I would do?

It's selfish,
manipulative, uncaring...

It does kind of sound
like something you would do

but usually I have
to thr*aten you

with bodily harm
to get the truth.

No, Balki, that's the truth.

So...

You, you didn't care
anything about my future?

You, you just used Balki?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I lied and I
promise I'll never do it again.

Pfft!

Alright, I'll try never
to do it again.

Pfft!

Alright, I'll try never
to do it again, today.

Well, I guess that's
as close as we're gonna get.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

[SCREAMING]

Well, I'm glad we got
that straightened out.

But we're still stuck
on the billboard...

Not necessarily,
if the Bulls win

someone will be up here to get
us and we'll be home free.

The game's on now,
did you bring a radio?

Well, of course I did,
don't be ridiculous.

The TV wouldn't fit
in my backpack.

[MAN ON RADIO]
What a basketball game
we have here!

At a record setting pace
the Bulls have scored


the score at the end of

the first quarter is Bulls,


Did you hear that, Balki?

The Bulls have a huge lead.

Another couple of hours we'll be
in our nice, safe apartment.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

I can't believe the Bulls

blew a 28 point lead.

Cousin, I've been listening
to that for two days.

If you say it one more time

I'm gonna throw you
off the billboard.

I'm sorry,
I won't mention it again.

Alright.

Yep, fresh as a tulip.

Cousin, you haven't even
touched your breakfast.

Your yak links are getting cold.

Balki, please. I don't wanna
look at another yak link.

I am sick of yak links.

Didn't you bring
any other kind of food?

Cousin, yak links
are nature's perfect food.

I have to get off
this billboard.

Balki, if we stay up here
we're gonna freeze to death.

Well, cousin,
think of it this way.

There's another game tonight,
if the Bulls win

then we can be home
in time for supper.

You're right, you're right.

We still have a chance.

Any team with Michael Jordan
is bound to win.

MAN ON RADIO:
Good afternoon and welcome
to the Bulls pre-game show.

And a special hello
to those two guys on

the billboard waiting
for the Bulls to win.

Cousin, that's us!

He, he mentioned us!
We're famous!

And another special hello
to Michael Jordan

who is home
in bed with the flu.

What?

Luckily, the Bulls only have to
play one game without Michael.

They've got a five-day
layoff after today

and that should be plenty
of time for him to get back

on his feet.

except those
two jerks on the billboard.

Cousin, he mentioned us again!

I don't believe this!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Balki, I can't stay up
here another five days.

I can't stay up here
another five minutes!

We've gotta get
off this billboard.

If we stay up here,
we'll either freeze to death

or the wind will blow us off.

Balki, I have...a plan.
Oh, God!

Do you see how close the blades
of the windmill come

to that radio
transmitting tower?

Now if we can get on one
of those blades

we can reach out, grab
the transmitter and climb down.

But, cousin,
what if we fall off?

Then we'll be
in a nice warm hospital!

Alright. Ready?

Now, when the blades come
around, I'll grab the first one.

You grab the second one,
hang on tight till it

swings us over to
the transmitter, then grab on!

Got it.

Oh, no!

Help!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Balki, can you reach it?

No, I cannot!
Can you reach it?

No!

You know, cousin, this reminds
me of the Myposian World's Fair.

They, they had one
rather large woman on it.

"The Human Rotisserie."

BALKI: Help!

Mama! Help!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

"Chronicle employees Larry
Appleton and Balki Bartokomous

"cling to the windmill on
the Holland deodorant sign

"shortly before their rescue."

I look like a bat.

This is all my fault.

If I hadn't smashed the radio
into a million pieces

we would've heard that
the Bulls won the game

without Michael Jordan.

And we wouldn't have gotten
stuck on that stupid windmill.

Well, look on
the bright side, cousin.

We got sprayed with
so much deodorant

we'll never sweat again.

Appleton! Bartokomous!

Nice work on that promotion,
boys.

It's a great idea, Appleton,
it created a lot of publicity

for the paper and for the Bulls.

Well, thank you, sir,
but Balki deserves the credit.

Well, then, I guess I'll give
you these, Bartokomous.

Thank you, Mr. Wainwright.
What is it?

The Bulls were so pleased with
the publicity they've given you

two courtside seats for
the remainder of the season.

Oh, Mr. Wainwright!

Thank you so much.

Enjoy them.

Oh, ho!

Balki, I'm sorry
for all the trouble

I've caused you
the last couple of days.

Oh, that's okay, cousin

Well, what's that?

Well, I have to figure out
who to give the other ticket to.

That's a big decision,
I guess I'm pretty much

on my way back up
to that billboard.

Oh, come on, cousin,
I'm just teasing

of course you can have
the other ticket.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]