06x23 - Great Balls of Fire

[bunniefuu]

* Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kinda change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Something on your mind, Balki?

[CHUCKLES]
Cousin, you can read me
like a cheap suit.

Cousin, if you were me
and you wanted to get you

to do something
that was really hard

long hours and no pay,
how you would get you to do it?

Well, that's easy.
Really?

Well, sure,
I'm a reasonable man.

I'm willing to listen
to logical arguments.

Well, I thought so.
Oh, yeah, sure.

So go ahead,
just state the facts,

support it with statistical data

then be prepared
for a flat "no."

Oh, forget it, cousin,
I... I knew you wouldn't want

to be a volunteer fireman.

Just...just never mind.
I'll do it.

Just forget
I said anything, okay?

The firehouse needs volunteers

I thought you might like
to do something

for the community,
but obviously...

I said I'll do it.
I was wrong.

I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.

it's not the last time
I'm gonna be wrong

and I can live with that...

What?
I'll do it.

You'll do what?
I'll be a volunteer fireman.

Well, Balki, Wainwright
has been after me for a while

to do a human interest story

Wait a minute, cousin,
if that's the only reason

you're going to do it,
I don't think you should do it.

Well, Balki,
that's not the only reason.

I... I would think
my commitment to the community

goes without saying.

So, when do we start?

I guess tomorrow.

Well, great!

Yeah.

You don't seem
that excited about it.

[STAMMERS] I got you
to do exactly
what I wanted you to do

and yet somehow, you managed
to suck all the joy out of it.

Cousin, they gave us hats.

I love hats.

I particularly love this hat.
It's so elaborate.

You know, on Mypos,
the firefighters

wear a watermelon rind
with a chin strap.

Balki, this is gonna
be a piece of cake.

What a coincidence!
We are volunteers.

I hate volunteers.

They like to wear the hat,
but they can't take the heat.

The hats are yours
when you finish the training.

Oh, no.

I must have the hat.
I... I love the hat.

Maybe I can...

[LAUGHING]

Uh...uh, say, uh, chief,
uh, before we get started,

I have a...
A couple of questions.

Shut up.

For the next six weeks,
you do what I say, when I say.

If I say, "Jump."
You say, "How high?"

If I say, "Make coffee."
You say, "How hot?"

If I say,
"Paint the fire truck."

Uh, uh, let me recap, okay?

That was, that was, uh, "How
high?" "How hot?" and "How red?"

Right? Or...or was it...
Was it high hat, red-hot
and how now?

Shut up!

Do people tell you,
you look like Sinatra?

All right, let's get to work.

First, I'll familiarize you

with the equipment
you'll be using.

This is an a*. Don't touch it.

This is a high-rise backpack.
Don't touch it.

And this is a state-of-the-art
fire extinguisher.

The AFXQ-9000, The Mighty Max.

Lay a finger on it,
and you're off the program

All right, it's time
to get into your gear.

Ooh. He-he-he.

Is this as heavy as it looks?

[GIGGLING]

Water delivery apparatus
over your right shoulder.

Oh. Oh!

That's also heavy.
Yeah.

Oh.

Pry bars in your left hands.

You know, cousin,
this is almost exactly
like the outfit,

I wore
to my grammar school graduation.

Except, of course,
I had the snorkel.

Get over here.

All right, give me 40 flights.

I... I'm more
an on-the-ground
management type.

Go!
[EXCLAIMS]

You know, chief,
this is going to do wonders

in defining our quads.

[LAUGHING]

Shut up!
Oh.

One.

Hey, cousin,
while you were unconscious,

Chief Newton told us,
tomorrow, he's going to show us

exactly how close
you can get to the flames

and still keep your eyebrows.

I am never going back
to that fire station.

Well, cousin,
what about your story?

I'll get another story.

I never wanted
to help the community.

You didn't?
No.

So you lied!
Ow! Ow!

Yes, I lied.

But this is the truth,
I am never going back

to that fire station
ever, ever again.

Well, I'm going back.

Ain't no mountain high enough

ain't no river deep enough,
ain't no fire hot enough

to keep me
from getting that hat.

Now, I'm going to my room.

I want you to sit right there

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hi, Larry.
Oh, hi.

Well, I--

Uh, maybe I shouldn't.
I feel so foolish.

Well, Jennifer,
you can tell me anything.

Here. Come in, come in.

We're engaged.
You can tell me anything.

I told you
about my fear of eggs.

Okay.

I've always had
this fantasy about firemen.

I see this dashing man
in a soot-streaked slicker.

Silhouetted by a raging fire

he hacks his way
into my bedroom with an a*.

He scoops me up in his arms...

I've said too much?

No, no, you haven't.

He carries me to safety.

He leans me against his truck,
the rungs of his ladder

pressing against my back...
I can't go on.

Try.

There was always
one thing missing.

My fireman was faceless
until now.

Larry, you're that face
in my fantasy.

[SIGHS]

Well, I better be going.

I, uh, just wanted
to share that with you.

I'm glad you did.

Okay, cousin, I've made a list
of the pros and cons

of going back to that f...

To that firehouse
and serving your community.

Now, I... I don't care
if I have to stay up all night

I'm going to get you to do this!

It's gonna make you
a better person... Dagnabit!

I'll be a volunteer fireman.

Well, feed me lemons
and make me pucker.

Appleton! Bartoko-mouse!
Get a move on!

BALKI: Actually,
it's...it's Bartokomous.

Shut up!

Get on down here!

Cousin Larry Appleton,
come on down!

It's so high.

Cousin, come on, you're holding
on too tight. Loosen your grip.

[GRUNTS]

Come on, cousin, I help you up.

[GRUNTS]

Come on, cousin,
let me--
Wait, no, no!

I can get up!

All right, we start in five.
Look sharp, men.

Oh, sir, I'd look
a lot sharper with a hat!

[ALARM RINGING]

MAN: [ANNOUNCING]
Engine number 151.

All right,
everybody on the truck!
We got a fire to fight!

Oh, where do I sit, sir?

You're not going anywhere.

Oh, but, yeah, yes...

No! But, please! I want to!

I want to ride
on the fire truck!

It's been my dream
since yesterday!

You're not gonna go anywhere!
You're staying right here!

No, no!

Oh. Oh, look, cousin, they're
doing the fireman's carry!

Sit there!

Sit!

Excuse me, sir.

Stay!
[FIRE TRUCK SIREN BLARING]

It isn't fair, they get
to put on their hats

and go fight a fire.

Those lucky charms!

Yeah, life is tough.

I'm gonna go make some coffee.

Hi, Balki.
Mary Anne!

BALKI: What are you doing here?

No, we weren't.

"I've just got to get
to that firehouse!"

Well, I'm glad you're here

but you're going
to be disappointed.

I don't get my hat
for another four days.

Balki...

I just finished
my heat tolerance test.

I'll be ready when I have
to fight a towering inferno.

Oh, Jennifer, Mary Anne.

I didn't know you were here.

Too bad you didn't
get here sooner.

You missed all the excitement.

Listen... [STAMMERS]
The alarm went off

and the siren was...was wailing

and everybody jumped
on the truck

and raced off to fight the fire,

What Balki means is
that we were told to stay here

and take care of any
incoming emergencies.

Chief Newton is saving us
for the big fires.

The raging blazes.

Larry, you look wonderful.

Well, you know what they say,

clothes make the man.

Of course, I don't
have to tell you that.

Balki, what's up there?

Oh, the other end of that pole.

Do you want to see?
MARY ANNE: Uh-huh.

I love the uniform, Larry.

By the way, I had that dream
again last night.

I'm on duty, you know.

I was left in charge.

Neither rain nor snow
nor sleet nor hail

nor gloom of night shall stay
this trusted firefighter

from the swift completion
of his appointed rounds.

Isn't that the mailman's creed?

Well, they use it, too.

Can I show you
the officer transportation unit?

It may look deceptively simple

but this firefighter
can tell you from experience

that the pole slide
is one of the most

difficult maneuvers to master.

Whee!

She didn't do it by the book.

Well, we don't want
to stop an important man

from doing a very important job.

I'm so proud of you, Larry.

We better go.

Doesn't Larry look handsome
in his uniform?

He sure does.
And he should always wear a hat.

It covers his oddly-shaped head.

Boy, Jennifer
was really impressed.

Imagine how proud she'll be
when you fight a real fire?

Fight a fire? Who needs a fire?

Look at the reaction
I'm getting with just a uniform!

Cousin... I smell smoke.

Well, of course you smell smoke.
We're in a fire station.

Everything in here
reeks of smoke.

No, no, it's getting stronger.

Come on.
We'd better check it out.

Cousin, Mr. Coffee's on fire!

Oh, my Lord!

We've got to call for help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Incoming emergency!

Hello, fire department.

You gotta come quick!

Just...just keep your cool.
We...we're here to help you.

[STAMMERS]
Now, where are you located?

Balki!
Just a second, cousin.

Balki!
Just a second, cousin!

Balki
Cousin, just a second!

I'm on the phone!

What is the address here?





Get out of the city!

That's where our fire is!

Balki?

Hello?

Hello?

He hung up.

Balki! Balki, the hose!
Help me with the hose!

Whoa!

[PANTING]

Turn on the water!

No, I'm holding the hose.

Balki!

Coffee, cousin!
Not now, thank you.

Balki, you're a genius!
You saved us!

Well, cousin,
it was just a simple matter

of fighting fire with Folgers.

Well, the important thing is,
it's out.

Of course,
we'll have to make more coffee

but I can handle that.

[SCREAMING]

What are we gonna do?

Oh, uh, cousin, look!
There's a fire squisher!

Phew!

[EXHALES] There.

Crisis averted.

Cousin, we make
a great team, don't we?

You light 'em, we fight 'em.

Well, when you're
in an emergency
with Larry Appleton,

you can count on a cool head
and a steady hand.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Balki! Balki!

Mighty Max can save us!

No, cousin, no, no.

[STAMMERS] We cannot...
No, no, don't touch it.

Chief Newton say that
if we touch it,

Balki, if we don't touch it,
the fire station

will burn to the ground,
and you won't have a head!

All right,
that's a good point. Let's go.

Maybe this, maybe this,
maybe, maybe this...

Do you see anything marked "On?"

Well, I don't know, cousin,
but if this was a clock radio

this would turn it on.

Well, Balki,
we saved the fire station.

We're heroes.

They're probably
going to give us medals

and a parade.

If this don't get me a hat,
I don't know what will.

[SIGHS]

Cheer up, Balki, at least
you got to put out a fire

before you were thrown out
of the program.

Yeah, but I never got
to ride on the fire truck

and there's a big
empty space on my head

where a hat should be.

Well, it wasn't a complete loss
you got a nice story out of it.

It was very realistic.

Just reading it
made me smell smoke.

You were burning toast
when you read it, Mary Anne.

Oh, right!

Great idea.
Okay.

We'll get our coats
and meet you downstairs.

But nothing flambe.

Uh, Balki, it's, uh,
kind of cold outside.

You might wanna wear your hat.

No, cousin, I'll just...

I'll just turn my collar up.

Cousin!

My hat!

My hat! Thank you!

[GRUNTS]

How you did get it?

Well, Chief Newton
sold it to me.

Unfortunately, he wouldn't
sell me a uniform.

Oh, that's okay, cousin,
I don't need a uniform.

Oh, it wasn't for you.

I was counting on wearing
it on my honeymoon.