06x09 - Das Boob

[bunniefuu]

Mary, Marci, Marilyn...

This is ridiculous!

All these names are starting
to sound alike to me.

I'm just gonna put this out
of my head and make lunch.

Rosemary!

Ginger!

Basil!

Tarragon.

Tarragon Weston.

Herb!

Hi, honey!

Honey!

What a beautiful day!

The sailors have returned
from the sea.

Bring on the working girls!

I believe the expression
is "dancing girls."

You relax your way,
I'll relax mine.

Carol, you cannot believe
the sun, the sea, the salt air,

the power of the throttle!

The thrusting of the hips,
the heaving of the breasts.

I'm talking about the boat!

- That!
- Yeah.

Charley,
I cannot thank you enough

for getting me
into that boating class!

So I take it you passed
the test?

- ...an 82.
- Daddy!

I got a... 97.

You b*at daddy?

- 82, 97...
What's the difference?



But that doesn't matter.
What matters is I won our bet.

- What bet?
- Well, whoever scored

the highest gets to be
captain this weekend

on our maiden voyage.

You're kidding.

Nah, nah, come on, I mean,
it's largely ceremonial.

Not completely...

I get to wear the hat!

Okay, Harry, see ya Saturday,
six balls.

Charley...

That is "six bells."

That's a good thing
that wasn't on the test.

Otherwise I might not
have scored



And in just a few minutes,

our fine and dedicated doctors
will be right with you.

And Arthur, remember, no blowin'
your nose trucker-style.

Showtime!

Laverne, I can't find
any tongue depressors.

They are in the order with
all our other medical supplies.

So when are we getting
our order?

Funny thing about c.O.D.S,
they don't take I.O.U.S.

I thought we raised money
with those donation letters.

- We did.
- What did we spend it on?

A box of paperclips
and a sponge.

- Here, Harry.
- What is this?

Your fundraising speech
to the city council.

You're giving this speech.

Yes.

I'm giving it to you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey,
Maxine, come on.

You promised to do this.

Harry, I thought I could.

But I can't.

I mean, I'm great one-on-one,

but get me in front of
a group of people and I freeze.

Sweetheart,
we all get a little nervous.

A little?

First my mouth dries up,
then my neck starts to sweat

and it runs down between
my shoulder blades

and I end up
with a rusty bra hook.

I used to go out with
a boy named rusty brahook.

Come on, Harry, please!

I'll be your best friend.

Okay, if it's that bad,
I'll do the speech for you.

No, you won't, doctor.

You've gotta let her do it
herself.

That's the only way she...
- Butt out, Laverne!

That is the on way
she will overcome this problem.

I'm doin' this
'cause I care about you, doctor.

This is what you call
"tough love."

And this is what you call
a "knuckle sandwich."

- Laverne, now wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute, Maxine.

Now, Laverne could be right.

Laverne is always right.

Now, I'm gon' help you
through this, doctor.

I had stage fright once,
couldn't get a word out.

Remember that, doctor?

March 4, 1991.

It was the happiest day
of my life.

- Air temperature is 78.
Water temperature is 62.

Wind from the southwest
at 3 to 5 knots.

- Charley!
- We have perfect weather!

How do I look?

Like the Ty-d-bol man.

Don't be ridiculous!

He's that big!

My telescope, please.

The real one, or the one
with the girly inside?

A sense of humor,
I like that in a deckhand.

By the way,
I've inspected the ship

and you may wanna apply
a little more elbow grease

to the latrine.

You mean "head."

Elbow grease, head grease...

- Look, Charley, come on.
This is getting ridiculous.

With all this...
- Come on!

Could k*ll you to let me
be in charge one weekend?

All right, all right,
all right, fine.

- Good!
Now look sharp, swabby,

the captain is now gonna confirm
our location and course.

Okay... west-southwest...

...17 knots.

Northerly swell.

I make our location
ten degrees north latitude,



Are you sure?

Absolutely.

That puts us
in downtown Caracas.

Okay, I'll do it
the old-fashioned way.

Ahoy! Man on jet ski!

Where the hell are we?

Here you go, dreyfuss...

Gee, it's been a long time

since I had a guy
eating out of my hand.

Although I have dated a few
who drank out of the toilet.

Carol, I have the perfect
name for your baby.

- What?
- Mr. Bandalucci.

Mr. Bandalucci?

He lives across the hall
from me...

I... I promised you'd name
your baby after him.

Sophia, how could
you make such a promise?

It was a moment of passion.

Between the oxygen
and the bengay

I... I couldn't think straight.

Sophia, I'm sorry,
but there is no way

I can name my baby
Mr. Bandalucci.

- Well how about
just his first name: Silvano.

Silvano Weston?

Think about it...

He'll have the same initials
as slappy white.

What an odd little woman.

As you were.

I am as I was.

You resent taking orders
from me, don't you?

I hate it!

And you think I'm making
too big of a deal out of this.

Frankly, yes!

I thought so.

That goes right
into the report, mister!

All right,
prepare the vessel for landing.

We should be arriving
at our overnight port

in approximately 30 minutes.

Well, good thing,

'cause we have some weather
sneaking up on us.

Nothing sneaks up on me.

I got eyes
in the back of my head.

Well, you'll need 'em

to read all those nudie
magazines you brought aboard.

- I don't believe it!
We're out of gas!

I thought you said
you filled up the t*nk!

I did!

How do you think we drove down
to the dock?

I'm talking about the boat!

You didn't fill the backup t*nk?

Backup t*nk?

Charley, this is the stupidest
thing you have ever done!

Yeah?

What about the time I filled
my waterbed with helium

and I broke my nose
on the ceiling?

This is a small-craft warning.

Gale force winds are expected

in the vicinity of 25 degrees
north latitude,


Seek shelter immediately.

Those poor bastards in Caracas!

And in conclusion, ladies
and gentlemen of the council,

your financial help
will be a big help to us

in serving the community.

You used "help" twice
in the same sentence.

- Does that bother you?
- No.

Then why'd you bring it up?

It's just the way my mind works.

Like the way I label
ace bandages.

I don't write "ace bandages,"
I just write "ace"

'cause I know they's bandages.

And in conclusion,
ladies and gentlemen,

your financial help will aid us
in serving the community.

Whoo! Yes!

That'll get ya a big ol' heap
a the "Arkansas attagirl"!

I don't care where
the "attagirls" come from,

I can't do this.

I know the clinic
needs the money,

but I just can't do it!

Dr. Douglas,
you have to do it,

or you'd never be able
to look yourself in the eye.

How often do you really have
to look yourself in the eye?

Think of your patients.

Where would they go
if this clinic shut down?

I know.

Picture poor Mr. Hernandez
a-wanderin' the streets,

lookin' for someone to treat
his goiter.

- Sorry, Laverne.
It's no use.

We have a sayin'
back in hickory:

"Any doctor
who won't give a speech

to raise money
for the canal street clinic

is a scaredy-cat."

That's a saying in hickory?

Well, it don't come up
that often.

Canal street clinic.

Carol...

Carol, slow down,
I can't understand you.

I mean, even more than usual.

What?

What time was daddy due back?

No! No.
Now, don't you worry.

Daddy's little girl
will see him again, now.

Bye-bye.

Daddy's not back yet.

I mean,
Dr. Weston is not back...

From his trip,

and the coast guard's out
a-lookin' for him.

- Good lord!
- Yeah, and, and, well...

He's certified.
He took that class.

- That's right.
Harry knows how to survive.

He's intelligent,
he's resourceful,

he's trained
in emergency procedures.

And Charley's with him.

He's dead.

The bilge pump is kinda slow.

But I finally got it
to work again.

A lot of men your age
have that problem.

But don't worry.

I'm gonna get us outta this.
I have a plan.

What are you doing?

- None of your business!
- Here, gimme that!

"Call me Charley.

"I was born of middle-class
parents,

"but quickly Rose
to the rank of captain.

"First mate Weston proved
to be a cowardly landlubber.

"Help! Help!
Please rescue us.

One of us
is too young to die!"

A note in a bottle?

That's your great plan...
Is a note, in a bottle?

Charley...

Do you realize
how serious things are?

We are in the middle
of the ocean...

With no gas...

And no way to contact anybody.

And only enough food
for three days.

Where's the food?

- Please, don't talk about food!
I'm stuffed!

- That's it! I've had it!
Enough!

Stand down, Mr. Weston.

I'll not have any more
of your insubordination.

Charley, Charley,
listen to me...

Charley! I know
you're in there somewhere!

Listen to me very carefully.

I think it would be best if
I assume command of the ship.

Mutiny!

Let the log reflect that

Mr. Weston illegally seized
command of the ship at



Charley, why don't you
go below to your cabin sir,

and rest.

Yes, very well, I'll...

I'll go lie down
for a ball and a half.

Fine, go on.

Whoa!

Come in!

- Carol, are you okay, hun?
- I'm fine!

I'm making custard.
It's daddy's favorite dessert!

You heard from the coast guard?

No, but I'm fine!

I'm keeping a good thought
for a good person.

You know, you used "good"
twice in the same sentence.

I hate you, Laverne.

Carol, is they anything
I can do for you?

No, I'm fine!

I've got everything
under control!

All:

- Whoa! Okay, I'll just...
I'll put this in the sink.

Laverne, that's o...

Sink... sink...

Poor daddy!

Poor Charley!

No! No!
The sea shall not have them!

I'm fine.

I don't think she's fine.

Laverne...

Give her a minute.
- Yeah...

Maybe we should call
her therapist.

Which one?

You know, it's terrible
to be thinking of myself

at a time like this, but...

How can I give
that speech tomorrow

when all I'm thinkin'
about is Harry lost at sea?

Dr. Weston would want you
to do it.

Ain't you ever seen
them old movies

where the person's face appears
in the clouds

and you can kinda
see through it and...

And it tells the loved ones
left behind to be strong

and carry on.

Yeah?

Well, Dr. Weston would be
doin' that exact same thing,

only you can't see through him

and you ain't one of
his loved ones, but it's close.

Dr. Douglas,
I know you can do it.

Yeah, well,
I guess it won't be any worse

than what Harry's going through.

Poor man.
It must be horrible.

Not in front of you-know-who.

Laverne, "you-know-who"
is a dog.

And a wonderful dog he is, too.

- Harry...
- What?

What if the storm comes back?

I don't wanna die.

I don't wanna be one of those
transparent faces in the movies

who talk to their loved ones.

It's not gonna happen.

You think we're gonna be
all right?

I don't know,
but I'm pretty sure

they're not gonna make
a movie about you.

- We're gonna die!
- We're not gonna die!

We're gonna die
and it's all my fault.

Well, you're half right.

Harry...

What?

I cheated on the exam.

Well, I... I
sorta gathered that

when you kept calling
the kitchen "the gallery."

But how?
How... how did you do it?

Well, when I turned in our
papers, I switched our names.

Just had to be better
than you at somethin'.

Couldn't you pick something
a little less dangerous?

You've got respect,
you've got friends,

you have a family
that loves you.

I've got...

Nudie magazines.

My life is like this boat,
driftin' nowhere.

Harry, I'm almost 40.

I thought you were 41.



Look, Charley,
we all make mistakes.

Yours seem to come in clusters.

But it doesn't mean
you're a bad person.

It just means you're a...

Charley.

We're minutes from the end,
and it's all my fault,

and you have it
within yourself... to nurture?

Harry...

What?

Hold me.

The coast guard
is a-drivin' me nuts.

All I get is a recording.

"To report a missing sailboat,
press one.

"To report a shark att*ck,
press two.

To order our beefcake calendar,
press three."

Any word?

Nothin' yet.

Hey, how'd your speech go?

Never been so embarrassed
in my life.

What happened?

Well, I got off track
thinkin' about Harry.

I started talkin'
about him being lost at sea

and I got all choked up.

Then they started
feelin' sorry for me.

Yeah? And?

That's when I really
poured it on!

I haven't blubbered that much
since I heard Steven Spielberg

was gonna direct
the color purple.

I think they gave me the money
just to shut me up.

Maxine, I'm very happy for you.

I just wish daddy were here
to share it with us.

Carol, they is not a person here

who does not know, your father is
is gonna come home safe and sound.

These are all
the black dresses I could find.

Daddy!

- Hey!
- Thank god!

- So, you're alive!
That's great!

Now I don't have to get these
dry-cleaned.

Daddy, daddy!

Daddy, thank god you're alive!

How'd you get back?

The Neptune society
picked us up.

You got picked up by those
"burial at sea" people?

Yeah, basically it was
"good-bye, Shirley and fluffy,

hello, Harry and Charley."

Well, it's lucky
they were passing by!

They weren't just passing by.

Then how'd they find you?

I'm gonna go soak in a hot tub.

Harry, it's not polite
to ignore a lady's question.

How'd they find us?

- What difference does it make?
They found us.

- Say it, Harry.
How'd they find us?

They found Charley's note
in a bottle! Good night!

- Carol!
Carol, come quick!

What is it, Sophia?

I finally heard
from the coast guard!

Sophia, honey,
daddy came home a week ago.

Daddy-shmatty, I finally
got my beefcake calendar!

Wait till you get a look
at "lieutenant November"!

Sophia, I am not...

Well, ahoy there!

Whoo!