03x23 - Log 56: Vice Versa

[bunniefuu]

One-Adam-12, handle code 3.

♪♪

Haven't checked these
driver's licenses in quite a while.

Malloy, you just had a birthday.

- Yeah.
- When's your license expire?

- Next year.
- Wrong. It's expired now.

Well, some of that leather gear

could stand a
little more polish.

A few of those badges

could hit the shine
rug a little harder

before you leave
the locker room.

Otherwise, not bad.

All right, we hit the
field in five minutes.

Fall out.

Well, it looks like I'm
going to have to drive.

Yeah.

It's lucky you weren't stopped

on the way to work this morning.

You would have gotten a ticket.

Yeah. Lucky.

Where's the report
book and the hot sheet?

Oh, you're keeping
the books today, Pete.

That's your duty.

You brought them out
with you, didn't you?

Yeah, they're in my
case in the backseat.

- You want me to get 'em?
- No, no, no.

I'll get 'em. It's my duty.

Uh, Pete. The shotgun.

What's a matter, Pete?
You don't look happy.

I don't know, Mac.

I just got a feeling it's
gonna be one of those days.

Reed.

Let's get going, huh?

My pleasure, Pete.

Clear us, Pete.

Oh, yeah.

One-Adam-12, clear.

One-Adam-12, clear.

What kind of a turn was that?

A legal left-hand turn.

Well, didn't you see the traffic

in the oncoming lane?

Yeah, I saw the traffic.

There was plenty of clearance.

I thought you
cut it pretty close.

Uh, Pete are you
nervous or something?

- Reed!
- That girl's calling us.

Hi. What can we
do for you, miss?

A little while ago a man tried
to sell me some marijuana.

Can I have your name, please?

Alma Stanley.

Where do you live, Alma?

Two blocks over.
Tamarack Street.



You want to tell
us about this man?

He was driving
one of those trucks

that goes around selling
ice-cream, popsicles,

candy, popcorn, and stuff.

You know, the kind
that plays a little jingle.

I'm on my way to school

and I thought I'd
buy some popcorn.

So I stopped it and
asked him for a dime bag.

I meant popcorn.

I pointed to it but I
guess he didn't see me,

'cause he turned
around and brought out

this bagful of grass.

You know what
marijuana looks like?

I've seen some
of the kids with it.

I don't go near it.

What happened then?

He asked me for $10.

A dime is drug slang for $10.

Oh.

Well, when I told
him what I wanted

was a dime bag of popcorn,

he got real mad.

He just grabbed the
marijuana and drove off fast.

What'd he look like?

Middle height, curly hair,



Wearing one of those
regular white uniforms.

And real jumpy.

You didn't happen to see
the license plate number

on the truck?

No, darn it. I guess
I was too excited.

It was just a beat
up, old, white van

with pictures
painted on the sides.

Ice-cream cones
and bags of popcorn.

Where did this happen?

On the corner of
Balina and Houston.

Couldn't have been more
than three, four minutes ago.

Thanks very much.

If we need anything else,
we'll get in touch with you.

What do you do now?

Well, we'll search
the neighborhood

and put out a broadcast.

You better get on
to school, Alma.

Wait until I tell the
kids what happened.

You know,

I think that's the same truck
that's been hanging around

the school all week.

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

Thanks again, Alma.

One-Adam-12,
requesting clear frequency

for description of
possible narcotics suspect.

All units on
frequency 1, stand by.

One-Adam-12, go ahead.

Citizen reports a vendor
on an ice-cream van...

White, pictures of
merchandise on panels,

license unknown.

Attempted to sell what
appeared to be marijuana

to the PR.

Suspect described
as a male Caucasian,

medium build, curly hair,



dressed in white uniform.

Suspect last seen
five minutes ago

at the corner of
Balina and Houston.

All units, One-Adam-12
reports description...

Alma must have scared
him out of the neighborhood.

He'll just shift
locations for a while

and go right on
peddling his junk.

That's the kind of guy
I'd really like to bust.

All units and One-Adam-12,

a 211 in progress at
the bank, 1345 Arden.

One-Adam-12, handle code 3.

One-Adam-12, roger.

Let's move, partner.



Right.

Looks like it's going
down right now.

One man. You cover the outside.

We'll slip in and
try and take him.

Uh, yes, Officer.

This is the same person
who reported the bank robbery

at 1345 Arden.

Oh, yes. The bank
robber is still here.

Uh, the reason that
I'm calling again is

I forgot to ask,

well, how soon can
I expect some help?

Oh, good.

Because it is rather
urgent, you know.

Freeze, buddy!

Oh, good, you're here.

You made excellent time,

just as the officer on
the telephone promised.

It's, uh, plastic.

Uh, but it did the trick.

Hands on the counter.
Feet back and spread 'em.

You may not believe this,

but you see, I did it
under doctor's orders.

You what?

Uh, yes, that's right.

You see, I have this
gambling fixation.

I owe everybody. All my
friends, acquaintances,

two finance companies,
my psychiatrist.

My psychiatrist...
A lot he knows.

I tried to get him to commit me

to the medical
center, but he refused.

Absolutely refused.

Said that physically and
mentally I was sound.

Said it was all in my mind.

Well, I mean, of
course, it's all in my mind.

Where else?

Him and his Freudian theories.

After all, I did
major in psychology

in college.

Well, this morning
was the last straw.

I begged him to commit
me and he refused.

So I said, "All right.

"I'll just go get
myself committed.

I'll go rob a bank."

And do you know
what he said to that?

Do you know what
he said to that, Officer?

Wait a minute, mister.

I'm going to have to
advise you of your rights.

May I tell you what
he said to that?

He said, "All right.
If you want to go rob.

If that's what you want to do."

He said, "Then, you just go
right ahead and rob a bank."

So I did.

You see, I was just following
my doctor's prescription.

That's all.

Well, you picked the
wrong store, mister.

You're under arrest.

Bless you, Officer. You
are an angel of mercy.

His shrink sure
missed the call on him.

Maybe his shrink needs a shrink.

What's that you're
writing there,

angel of mercy?

The log.

Yeah, but what language?

It looks like Sanskrit to me.

Watch it.

Pete.

I saw the light.

Look, why don't you just relax

and leave the driving to me?

That's why I can't relax.

'Cause you're doing the driving.

I haven't had any
complaints from Jean.

I manage to get to work
every day without any problems.

Legally.

Ever since St. Christopher
got knocked out of the box

as the patron
saint of travelers,

I figure your time
could be up any second.

Nag, nag, nag.

One-Adam-12,
One-Adam-12, see the man.

A 459 report. 4288 Allot Avenue.

One-Adam-12, roger.

I'm picked clean, Officers,

like a plucked chicken.

I'm Officer Malloy, this
is Officer Reed, Mr...

Lowell. Lars Lowell.

Come on in. I'll show you.

In your whole life,
have you ever seen

a more complete burglary?

They even took
open detergent boxes.

All the light bulbs. Everything.

Where were you
when all this happened?

In Indianapolis.

My wife's father
had a heart attack.

How long were you gone?

Six weeks. My
wife's still there.

I had to get back to go to work.

I just got in and found this.

Tell any of your neighbors
that you were leaving?

Why should I tell them
anything? I don't even like 'em.

When we got the call,
we just threw some clothes

into a suitcase and took off.

Oh, I'm just glad
Agnes isn't here

to see how those vultures
picked her home clean.

She'd have got a
heart attack herself.

Well, you sound like
you know who did it.

I do.

Tommy O'Leary, the
kid across the street,

told me he saw everything.

It was our good neighbors.

First the Miller kid
pried open the front door

and took a portable
television set.

When the rest of the neighbors
heard that the house was open,

they descended on it like
a... like a flock of locusts.

Had a real field day,
they did, at our expense.

Especially that nosey
old maid next door,

Camille Gearhardt.

Yes, Officers. I'm
Miss Camille Gearhardt.

Mr. Lowell.

Well, what seems
to be the trouble?

May we come in, please?

That's our bookcase!

And these are my books.

Our armchairs, my end irons.

This is our coffee
table and our pictures.

Oh.

She's put a cover on our couch.

And our drapes!

This is our rug that
we're standing on.

Or part of it. She's cut it
down to fit her own room.

Well, she's always wanted
to get into our house.

Now she's done one better.

She's got our house in hers!

Why, that's just
not true, Mr. Lowell.

I only took your living room.

Mr. Dexter across the
street, he needed a bedroom

so he took one of those

and Ms. Edney
needed a television set

so she took the big, pretty one.

And, you know, the Miller boy
had already picked up the portable.

You're all a pack of thieves.

Well, if you're suggesting
that I've done anything wrong,

I... I deeply resent it.

You mean, you don't think
you've done anything wrong?

Well, heavens no!

The Lowells had been
gone over a month

before we took a thing.

And the bill collectors were
swarming around like flies.

So we figured that they'd
just up and skipped town

and left their belongings
behind for the taking

and it's as simple as that.

Simple is right.

Well, everybody else
was getting a lot of things

and well, I didn't
want to miss out.

It was such a lot of fun.

Like a big neighborhood party.

Not a party, Ms.
Gearhardt. Burglary.

But... But I'd never
steal anything, Officer.

Do you mind telling me how
you got all this stuff over here?

Oh, I had a little
help from my friends.

Give her her rights.

I'll call detectives.

Oh, there's a
phone in here, sir.

You're under arrest,
Ms. Gearhardt.

But you can't arrest me!

I haven't done anything wrong.

You have the right
to remain silent.

You do have the
right to remain silent.

Anything you
say, can and will...

You write a log
heading on that last call?

Well, sure.

That Camille Gearhardt
sure had a strange sense

of right and wrong, didn't she?

I guess she figured there
was no place like home.

Somebody else's.

All units and One-Adam-12,
a 415 woman with a g*n.

sh*ts being fired in
front of 11310 Los Feliz.

One-Adam-12, handle code 3.

One-Adam-12, roger.

Another code 3.

A baptism of fire for you today.



I k*lled him!

I k*lled him.

Take it easy, partner. We don't
know which way she's gonna jump.

It was our anniversary
and I k*lled him!

What's the plan?

Tell those guys to lay
back and hold their fire.

She's out of her head.

What then?

See if you can distract her.

I'll try to get
around behind her.

Watch yourself.

Get going. Keep your head down.

Okay, let's keep her busy.

Malloy's gonna try to
get around behind her.

sh**t me! sh**t me!

Why don't you sh**t me?

I want to die!

sh**t me!

- I want to die!
- Lady, drop the g*n!

We want to help you!

Then k*ll me!

I'll make you k*ll me.

sh**t me!

Lady, please!

Come on, let's talk it over.

sh**t me! Aah!

I'll check inside the house.

It was our 22nd anniversary

and I don't even remember
what started the fight.

Did you call an ambulance?

No. A coroner.

Too much celebrating.

Hey, did you see the
fight on TV last night?

No. But keep your
eye on the road, will ya?

Who fought?

Cuchinello and Bates.

It's a rematch.

I thought Bates beat him
pretty good the first time.

- Why the rematch?
- I don't know.

I guess because Bates
couldn't put Cuchinello down

the first time they fought.

How fast are you going?

- 25.
- Oh.

It felt a little faster.

Pete, do you think I'd
exceed the speed limit?

I'll bet Bates won easy, right?

Yeah.

I'll tell you, that Cuchinello

can take it better than
any fighter I ever saw.

Well, if you were a
fighter and after 15 years

the best they
could say about you

was that you
could really take it,

what kind of a
reputation is that?

That's what the guys in
the division say about me.

What do you mean?

Well, they say if I can
hack being your partner,

I can really take it.

One-Adam-12,
One-Adam-12, see the man.

Unknown trouble.
Craft and Colfax.

One-Adam-12, roger.

It's a baby!

- Yes, sir.
- I just found it.

In this trashcan.

Can't be more than
a few weeks old.

Can I have your
name and address, sir?

I am George Lum.

My house is number


How'd you happen
to find the baby?

I was on my way
to my son's store.

I come this way every day.

It is a nice walk.

I thought I heard something...

Like a baby crying...
Coming from that container.

And that is what I
found on top of the trash.

Did you see anybody
around the cans

as you were
coming up the street?

No, Officer. There was no one.

The baby was just lying
out here in the open?

Yes, sir. In the blanket.

Inside this shopping bag.

Anyway, the baby
sounded healthy.

Which is more than
you can say for a crud

who'd do a thing like that.

Yeah. It's one thing to
not want to keep a baby,

but to throw it
away like garbage...

Where you going?

On that last corner I
saw an ice-cream truck.

Check out that license plate.

Very interesting.

Passenger plate on
a commercial vehicle.

Let's talk to 'em.

- He's taking off.
- Get the truck!

All right, on your feet!

Heroin. He tried to swallow it.

Bet there's a lot more
where that came from.

Friendly neighborhood junk man.

Take care of this
and call a tow truck.

I'm gonna get my hat.

One-Adam-12, roger.

What happened?

Guess.

I ran over it?

I'm sorry, Pete.

Well, it's really
the first wrong thing

you've done all day.

I don't know.

It kind of solves
a problem for me.

What problem?

What to get you
for your birthday.