05x21 - A Fool and His Money

[bunniefuu]

One-Adam-12, One-Adam-12,

a 211 in progress.

One-Adam-12, handle code 3.

♪♪

Hey, Pete. See you for a minute?

Yeah. Mostly from
insurance companies.

What's going on?

You mean you haven't heard?

Heard what?

I spent the weekend in
the mountains with my kids.

What's happening?

I won a contest. $10,000.

It was in the paper Saturday,

and my phone hasn't
stopped ringing ever since.

That's great. Congratulations.

Thanks.

What kind of contest?

Just a contest. You know.

No, I don't know.
What kind of contest?

Well, one of those
"name the product" things.

Oh, yeah?

That's great. What
was the product?

A woman's shampoo.

Hey, come on. I
really want to know.

It was a woman's shampoo.

You can't believe
the flak I've taken.

How did it happen?

Well, I was in
my dentist's office

having a gold crown put in.

I date the receptionist
sometimes.

She was trying to come up
with a name for this product.

So I suggested Gold Crown.

The rest is history.

She put my name
on the entry blank,

and I'm splitting
the money with her.

Well, any marriage
proposals yet?

No, but that's got to be next.

Well, you have my
sincere congratulations

and my heartfelt sympathy.

Thanks a lump.

You going to blow the
whole wad on a boat?

Well, it's my allowance, Mother.

I can spend it on
whatever I want.

Okay.

Pete, what I meant was,

sure, everybody'd
like to have a Marlin 3.

I'd like to have a boat.

It's just that it's not
very practical, that's all.

Is there anything
interesting on the sheet?

Pete, one of these days, you're
liable to wind up getting married.

That's responsibility.

If you got a little
money in the bank,

you're just that far
ahead of the game.

Welcome to This Is Your Life.

Already, you got me married
and saddled with responsibility.

Maybe you think I should put a
little money down on my funeral.

You got to give that
some thought, too.

That's part of responsibility.

You can't be
buried in your boat.

Well, sure I can.

A Viking's funeral.

Oh, I can see it now.

It's dawn on a lonely
stretch of beach.

Slowly, a drum starts to roll.

I'm laid out on the foredeck...

Swell.

When the money
comes, we'll talk about it.

I promise to consider
your advice, okay?

It's just that I hate to see
you make a mistake with it.

That's all.

One-Adam-12,
One-Adam-12, see the man.

507 Stereo.

14227 Marquette Street.

One-Adam-12, roger.

You fellas looking for
Billy Heckman? 14227?

Uh-huh.

Well, you just walked by him.

I'm Heckman, Billy J., if
you want to write that down.

Did you have a
complaint, Mr. Heckman?

Oh, the complaint.

Sounds funny.

Billy Heckman doesn't
usually make complaints.

It's her up there.

She never stops.

All day long with
that Shaugnessy fella.

And loud.

Do you happen to know her name?

Oh, yeah. The
manager gave it to me.

It's Mary O'Ryan.

Who's this Shaugnessy fella?

Surely you remember Shaugnessy.

Tommy Shaugnessy,
the Irish tenor.

Mr. Heckman, I think that
Shaugnessy d*ed several years ago.

I know that.

I'm talking about the yowling
that comes from her Victrola.

Tommy Shaugnessy...
She plays those records

till the cows come home.

Have you registered
your complaint with her?

Hear that?

There it goes again.

If it's one thing I can't stand,

it's Irish tenors.

Come to think of it, I can't
stomach Irish baritones, either.

Have you talked to her about it?

Well...

Crabgrass.

You know, the way I figure,

it's a race between crab grass
and cement to take over the earth.

Mr. Heckman, we came
out here to help you. Can we?

Of course, you understand
I tried to talk to her.

I mean, I thought
about what I would say

if I ever got a chance.

She just moved in two weeks ago.

The 23rd.

I remember.

Then you haven't talked to her.

Well, you just don't
barge in and start jawing.

I thought I'd give her a
chance to settle down.

While I was waiting, and
mustering up a welcome,

that's when she started
with the Shaugnessy business

on her Victrola.

Mr. Heckman.

I think the best
way to handle this

would be for us all to have
a talk with her, don't you?

We're checking out a
complaint registered by

one of the tenants
in the building.

You are Miss Mary
O'Ryan, aren't you?

Yes.

It's about your record player.

The complaint was it was
being played too loudly.

Who was it complained?

Could you turn down
the record player?

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Yes. Come in.

Who was it, officer?

Miss O'Ryan, this
is Mr. Heckman.

Oh!

Mr. Heckman from downstairs.

Well, I've seen you around here,

but we've never spoken.

I'm sorry if my Victrola
was on too loud.

Of course, if you'd just
come up here to tell me.

Well, you know how it is.

I just kind of turned
down my hearing aid,

and it don't pay
me any never mind.

I'm so sorry if I bothered you.

But it is nice to
finally meet, isn't it?

I beg your pardon.

What did she ask me?

She said it's nice to meet you.

Oh.

If it hadn't been for
that silly old thing,

we might never have met.

Well, I've been kind of
figuring on moseying by,

but what with all my
hobbies and, well..

You know how it goes.

Do you like Irish tenors?

I love them.

I just love Tommy
Shaugnessy, Mr. Heck...

I don't have to call
you Mr. Heckman.

Billy. Please. Billy.

Miss, uh...

Mary.

Why don't you come over
here and sit down, relax.

Officers, would you like
some fresh johnnycake?

No, thank you, ma'am.

I think we're all finished here.

Should have ordered
the same thing you did.

Special takes
forever to get here.

Billy Heckman reminds
me a little of my uncle.

I think Mary O'Ryan was blasting that
phonograph just to get him over there.

She wanted to meet him.

Pete, are you listening to me?

Yeah.

Yes, well, uh...

Anyway, my uncle, you see,

he retired, and he had
this little nest egg put away.

Couldn't have been more than a few
thousand dollars. More like around five.

Anyway, so he takes his savings,

and he invests it in a land
development deal in Newhall.

You're not listening to me.

Yes, I am. Every word.

Okay, so 5,000 into land.

And in just two years...

Two years now...

You know what he became?

Broke?

Why do I bother?

I try to give you good
advice, and what do you do?

All right, all right.
What did he become?

He became rich.

That land development
deal quadrupled itself.

Terrific.

There's a nice little
investment for your stomach.

Pretty nice, huh?

Yeah.

I was thinking of
getting the deluxe model.

It's on the last page.

Fuel injected, huh?

Yeah.

Two props, power and speed.
Should be good for skiing.

Oh, man.

Glass tubing. That's good.
You can take it out in salt water.

Yeah, that's what I figured.

Copper-riveted hull, huh?

Yeah.

You can stop grinning at me.

I still think you're nuts.

- You do?
- Yeah, I do.

He's on the roof of the garage.

This is One-Adam-12. We have a sn*per
on the roof of the parking structure.

Fifth and Western. sh*ts fired.

Hold it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Don't sh**t. I work here.

He's on the roof. I was just
on the phone calling the police.

Any other way out of here?

No, except for the driving
ramps and the stairway.

I shut the power
off to the elevator.

Anybody inside the building?

- No.
- You stay out of the way.

This is One-Adam-12. The
suspect's trapped on the roof.

We're inside the garage now.

- You guys are all right?
- Yeah.

This is One L-20 to all units.

I've set up a command
post one block to the east

on DeMar. Air Ten is en route.

E.T.A., 15 seconds.

Roger, Mac.

One L-20 to One-Adam-12.

Air Ten reports

the sn*per is at the southwest
corner of the roof behind the wall,

and he's not moving.

He's wearing a blue
windbreaker and a brown hat.

Roger, L-20.

Woods and his
partner just got here.

We're gonna make our move.

Roger. I got the
building sealed off.

We'll take the stairs.

We'll call you when
we're in position.

One-Adam-12, Air Ten advises

suspect at left southwest corner

and has entered a blue sedan.

One-Adam-12, roger.

Today's batch looks
even fatter than yesterday.

- Yeah.
- Say, Pete.

Mac, I know.

I'm not supposed to get
personal mail at the station.

But what can I do?

I don't count insurance
questionnaires

as personal mail.

Well, okay.

We'll call this an exception.

Charities, land companies,
insurance, investments.

They're driving me crazy.

Insured investments, Pete.
That's what you're looking for.

I was talking to my
brother-in-law the other night.

He's in the market.

He said...

"commodity options.

"Similar to stock options.

A highly leveraged investment
vehicle based upon..."

Enough, okay? I got the same
brochure in the mail. Same offer.

I think I'm going
to get the boat.

Pete, you can make up to 100%
return on your money on this kind of deal.

One-Adam-12,
One-Adam-12, see the man.

A 459 report.

9650 Oak Grove.

One-Adam-12, roger.

It's open.

I said it's open.

Police officers.

You reported a burglary.

Yeah.

My name's J.T. McGrath.

- Cheap wine?
- No, thanks.

All I can afford in these
times of personal depression.

Ah! Dinky Duck or Captain Astro?

No, thank you.

Mr. McGrath, we'll
need a complete list

of everything that was
taken for our report.

Looks like they cleaned you out.

It only looks like
the burglars got a lot.

I've been selling what's
left of value in the house.

Let's get this over with.

I want to get out of this barn

before my creditors
start their daily siege.

Here's a list of what they took.

Two cameras and
a television set?

That's it.

The awful thing is, I'll be
getting those worthless toys back.

I'd rather have the insurance
money. I could use the dough.

What makes you think you're
going to get your property back?

Look at the list.

See those numbers
under each item?

My third wife insisted
all our possessions

have her Social Security
number etched on them.

You can't fence hot items
with an I.D. written all over them.

I'll get the stuff back.

How'd they get in here?

Front door. It was open.

Why lock it?

There's nothing of value in
this barn anymore for me to lose.

I've blown every
dime I ever had.

And the rest...

Well, three wives and
their lawyers divided.

We'll get detectives on
this as soon as possible.

Yeah.

Just give me a call
when the stuff comes in.

If the phone's still connected.

That was a little lesson
in life for you, huh?

He obviously never thought
of investing his money.

He just threw it away on toys.

How about seven at
that little place on Main?

You don't want to
talk about it, right?

- No.
- I don't blame you.

If I was going to throw
$5,000 away on a boat,

I wouldn't want to
talk about it either.

Did you want seven or not?

It must be tough, though, when you
keep running into guys like McGrath.

Here's a guy in the
twilight of his years,

and what's he
got to show for it?

His phone service
and his Dinky Duck cup.

Are you about through?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Call in and see if we can get 7.

This is One-Adam-12
requesting code 7 at...



One-Adam-12, continue
patrol and handle this call.

A man down in the alley.


One-Adam-12, roger.

What's going on here?

I just come up on him.

He's my friend.

I found him laying there.

Just bad drunk, huh?

He's dead.

He's dead?

Looks like he was k*lled
and his shoes stolen.

He hasn't been walking around
in his socks. They're clean.

I checked the neighborhood.

No witnesses, no leads.

This stub from a welfare
check was under the body.

You said he was your friend.
Was he a bourbon drinker?

Anything.

We'd drink anything.

That's a pretty
expensive brand of booze.

He had money. I seen it.

He give me $5.00
to buy wine with.

And he had some more.

He spent it to buy
some new shoes.

Can you describe the shoes?

They was white.

You know, like, you
play the basketball with.

You'll have to stick around.

The detectives will want
to get your statement.

Am I arrested?

I was his friend.

No, they just want to
ask you a few questions.

Pete.

Take a look at this.

Whoever k*lled him
got blood on their shoes.

Look at the way
the tracks trail off.

Print looks like a tennis shoe.

Detectives.

Pete.

All right, buddy, wake up.

Leave me be, man.

I got the sickness.

Yeah. You're taking the
wrong kind of medicine.

Come on out of
there. We're the police.

This is my car.

I ain't bothering nobody.

I don't care if it's
the presidential limo.

Out!

More love letters?

Yeah. From insurance salesmen.

Oh, here's one from a mortuary.

They probably haven't heard you're
going to be buried in your boat yet.

Yeah.

You going to go
ahead and get it, huh?

Yeah.

Guess if that's what you want.

That's what I want.

What is this?

For the last two days, you've
been trying to advise me

how to spend the money,

and I finally realized you
had my best interests at heart.

That's real friendship.

So I took some of the money,
and I bought you a present.

I'm getting all choked up.

Thanks, Pete, but what is it?

One share of
Mutual Benefit S & L.

Current market value... $5.00.

What am I supposed
to do with it?

You watch it grow.

I got it because it's
very conservative.

See, you get up in the morning,

and you don't read
the sports page.

You go right to the
financial section,

and you find the
price of your stock,

and you write it down
on a little piece of paper.

Then later in the afternoon,

you get a paper, and
you get the closing quote,

and you write that down.

That way, you can tell how
much money you're making.