01x07 - Little Cyst

[bunniefuu]

- I can't eat any more.
- Come on. Just a few more bowls.

Mom said we had to
finish the whole thing

before we could cut
the record off the box.

For breakfast back in the '70s,

parents put their trust in any tiger,

Cap'n or chocolate vampire

who'd fill their kids with enough sugar

to send them bouncing out of the house

until the street lights came on.

- Mornin', gents.
- Hey, you want some cereal?

- What record's on the box?
- "Sugar, Sugar" by the Archies.

Get back to me when it's Zeppelin.

I just walked by Mom and Dad's door.

Lots of whispering going on.

Probably a grown-up matter
that's none of our business.

Hmm.

Nowadays, parents tend to
include their little darlings

in every discussion,
no matter how intimate...

dr*gs, illness, why Mommy

goes on solo trips
with her personal trainer...

But in 1972, my folks practiced

the "none of your beeswax"
approach to parenting.

I'm so nervous. My hands are shaking.

Pretty sure that's the sugar.

Well, we better go find Eddie then.

Bail, bail, bail, bail!

Your mom and I are going out.

You have to keep an eye on the baby.

I'm kind of busy.

Unless that rest of that sentence

is "finding a new place to live," here.

Weekday morning and Dad's missing work?

He didn't even do that
when William was born.

I remember. It hurt my feelings.

And Mom never leaves the house
unless it's an emergency.

Maybe the house is on fire.

No, they'd at least take the baby.

And they'd tell us.

Probably.

We need to get to the bottom of this.

You two, come with me.

- William, stall them.
- How?

Just hold their attention for a minute.

I couldn't even do that by being born.

It's go time. Let's do this.

Oh, um, hey! Hey!

I was wondering if I could
ask you guys something.

- What?
- Uh...

This whole Vietnam quagmire,
I mean, how do we get out of that?

- I'm gonna suffocate!
- You're small.

You don't need much air.
Just keep your ears open.

I can breathe through my ears?

If you get caught,
this is all your idea.

They know I don't have ideas.

That kid is weird.

- He just reads too much.
- Tell him to knock it off.

We'll be back later.

Try not to read while we're gone.

Okay.

No! No, no, no!
Get down, get down, get down!

Looks like another blessing from God.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe you'll finally get
that girl you always wanted.

That'd be nice.

Ran out of boys' names
I liked four kids ago.

Wasn't Pat supposed to be Pete?

I was so loopy on those dr*gs,
I spelled it wrong.

By the way, I want those dr*gs again.

Sleeping through it really made
the whole experience special.

Oh, it'll be special either way.

I mean, we're welcoming
another blessed bundle.

Well, Peggy.

False alarm. Sorry to say
you're not expecting.

Yes!

Whoo!

Guess we weren't so happy about
another blessed bundle.

I was happy,

but now I'm happy in
a different... happier way.

How's your day goin', pal?

Come on, hon.

You must be a little relieved.

I am.

You disappointed you're not
gonna get those dr*gs anymore?

I still have to have that cyst
removed, so I'll get the dr*gs.

Mm.

No, I'm just surprised.

I thought we both wanted this,

and the truth is, neither of us did.

How many kids have we
been pretending that for?

I'd like to hear your number first

in case it's smaller than eight.

- I'm kidding.
- Is it weird

you and I have never really talked

about how many kids we wanted?

We put more discussion
into buying a new toaster.

Well, a toaster is something
you can do something about.

Kids just happen.

At least for us.

Should've gone with
the four-slice toaster.

I know. I'm kicking myself.

This operation, it's really necessary

or is it one of those scams
like when they wanted

- to take out Eddie's appendix?
- Well, it's a benign cyst,

but I guess it is necessary,

since it's what caused the false alarm.

At least I'll get to be in
the hospital for three days.

Are you worried?

About my house being torn
to pieces while I'm gone.

As long as you'll be okay.

I should be fine.

You heard Doctor Shaff.

It's just a little cyst.

Mom said we're having a little sister!

- Are you sure?
- That's what Mom said.

- A little sister.
- So irresponsible.

Our resources
are overstretched as it is.

Mom and Dad should've
stopped plopping out babies

- three kids ago. Nothing personal.
- No, I get it.

The problem is, they love
each other very much,

and when two people love
each other, babies come.

- Or when they're just bored.
- I like having a little sister.

We can be like Jody and Buffy
on "Family Affair."

They're not really brother and sister.

- They're just actors.
- Yeah, and so fake.

I mean, TV does that all the time.

Kids who look nothing alike

pretending to be the same family.

Guys, I just thought of another problem.

Girls need privacy.

She's gonna need her own room.

Buffy can sleep with Mom.

And Dad can move into our bedroom!

We have to bunk with Dad?

I hate Buffy.

You're right. It's not a great name.

I'm gonna go think of a better one.

I-I think maybe we should run
this by Eddie and Lawrence.

But now that I'm here,
you're glad, right?

Sure.

You're gonna have to step up

feeding those kids while I'm away.

Oh, yeah, you're gonna need
more milk for breakfast.

I just bought eight half-gallons.

It'd be cheaper to buy a cow.

Well, maybe Pat would finally shut up

about that dog he wants.

They like Pop-Tarts and Eggos, too,

but you'll have to toast those...

two at a time.

Okay, there's plenty of stuff in here

for three days worth of dinners.

Monday night is frozen pizza
and tater tots,

but don't give Pat any pizza
until he finishes all his tots.

No way she's expecting.
Pat must've heard wrong.

Plus, doctors can't even tell
it's a girl until it's born.

If Mom was expecting, I would know.

I've got my ear pressed to the ground.

And your nose pressed
to Mom and Dad's butts.

Oh, yeah? Better than you having yours

pressed to their, uh... to their...

To... To their what?

You got nothing.

Yeah, if you guys
are worried about this,

you should just ask Mom.

You know, she's very approachable.

No, we can't ask them.

This is delicate stuff.

They wouldn't tell us the truth anyway.

They think if we have
too much information,

we might rise up against them.

And they're not wrong.

Apparently, Pat has some
cockamamie shrimp allergy,

so if you open a can of that
Chun King Shrimp Chow Mein,

he only gets a small portion.

Allergies.

I don't know where these doctors
come up with this stuff.

You know, Mike,

I've been thinking about

how we don't want another kid right now.

There might be a way
to be smart about it.

Honey, we're not allowed
to be smart about it.

We're Catholics.

Right, but there are some things
we can do and not do.

I hope you're not suggesting
what I think you're suggesting.

Because I like it, and it's
free, so I'm not giving it up.

I like that it's free, too.

We wouldn't have to give anything up.

Just plan ahead and schedule it.

I'll grab the TV Guide.

We can see if there's any duds
on "Carson" next week.

It's about my schedule, not Johnny's.

There's certain days out of the
month where I'm more likely...

Oh, I see where this is going.

You already get the one week off,

and now you want to add black-out days.

I'm trying to stick to
the Church's rules.

If it were up to me,
we could try some of these new

tricks everyone's talking about.

You know, it's not just
rubbers anymore, Mike.

They've got cups and rings
and pills and hoops.

I mean, the Protestants
have a whole magic show

- going on down there.
- And they're having a pretty good time,

- but we know better.
- Do we?

I get it. The Pope wants more Catholics,

but we've already given them
almost a whole baseball team.

Guys! Guys! Guys!

I have fresh intel.

Mom is going away for three days.

Three days?!

Oh, and we're having lasagna on Tuesday.

What? Lasagna is a weekend food.

None of this makes any sense.

Where would Mom go for three days?

And once she's seen the outside world,

why would she ever come back?

They're in the bedroom right now
talking about it.

I feel like I'm sinning just
having this conversation.

I need to go to Confession.

That's a thought.

I'll take this up with Father Dunne.

Maybe there's an option
we haven't thought about...

one they only give you
if you make a fuss.

I'll bet he'll side with
the Pope on this one.

He knows where his bread is buttered.

I-I'm gonna k*ll you!

- You're choking me to death!
- Take it outside.

Eddie, we're going to Confession.

- Watch the baby.
- I'm on the case.

You don't always have to say
things in a weird way.

Aye aye, Mom!

So, what do we know?

Pat heard something he didn't understand

and Mom's going away for three days.

Don't forget weekday lasagna.

I told you, the lasagna's a blind alley.

And now they're going to Confession

to talk things over with Father Dunne.

Then we need ears inside
that confessional.

It's time.

We'll use the kit.

What kit?

- Wow!
- Wow!

It was Joey's spy kit.

Everything we needed to cr*ck
this case wide-open...

invisible ink, a periscope,

a g*n that turned into a camera,

a camera that turned into a g*n,

- and best of all...
- Disguises?!

Okay, where'd you get this?

Deals were made. Grades were changed.

Let's just say if Scotty Stancroft

ever actually becomes a doctor,
I wouldn't let him cut me open.

Funny story... Scotty Stancroft
actually did become a doctor

and he ended up on "20/20."

I've spotted the subject's car.

We've lived our life
one way for all these years

believing everything the Church
asked us to believe

without too much griping.

And we appreciate that.

We hate the whiners.

I mean, to the extent that we're allowed

to hate any of our flock.

I don't mind all the rules.

You know, it's been great
not having to think too hard

about stuff... just letting
life wash over me.

But now my wife has been
bringing up questions.

Oof, sounds rough.

You're selling me on celibacy
all over again.

- The eagle has landed.
- There's an eagle?

He put the microphone in her purse.

- Then just say that.
- Are you hungry?

Why are you being so mean to me?

You know what? I did skip lunch.

Shh!

- What's she's saying?
- All I'm hearing is static.

Wait.

Someone's talking about the Dodgers.

They're down 4 to 3 in the 7th.

It just feels like abstinence
isn't realistic for us.

The man, God bless him,
can't get enough of me.

I want to be a good Catholic,
but after eight kids,

it seems like the Church
owes me some wiggle-room.

Uh-huh. I feel like I'm not being heard.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

How about a few more options?

I mean, is there anything else
the Church is okay with

to help us not have kids?

- Yes!
- Oh, great.

- What is it?
- Oh, uh,

say four Hail Marys and one Our Father.

Well, if that worked,
we wouldn't have Eddie.

- Amazing!
- What?!

Buckner just hit one out!

Why, Peggy!

Oh. Hi, Helen.

- Hi.
- Pretty flowers.

- Yes, they're from my garden.
- Mm.

The Altar Ladies and I
just doing our part.

I'm sure God loves your flowers.

I mean, He made them.

You just k*lled them
and brought them here.

You know, we haven't seen you
at bingo in a long time.

Maybe you should come by Monday night.

Oh, I'm having an operation on Monday.

Nothing serious.
Just a little ovarian cyst.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Doctor O'Brien?

- No, Shaff. Why?
- Oh.

Well, perhaps I shouldn't say anything,

but Doctor O'Brien is
a Catholic and a very dear man.

I don't think there will be
much time for small talk.

I'm hoping to be zonked out.

Well, no, what I mean
is if Doctor O'Brien

does the operation,
he can do it in a bigger way

so that a cyst or anything else
can't grow down there.

It's a kindness he does
for Catholic women

who have been blessed with more
than their share of blessings.

Isn't that considered "family planning"?

How could it be?

You're having a necessary operation,

the scope of which is up to the doctor

who uses his best judgment.

That sounds pretty scientific
for the Catholic Church.

Are you sure the Church
is okay with this?

Bonnie Burns actually
spoke to the Bishop

before getting hers, just to be sure.

- Bonnie did this?
- Yes!

All I heard her say is that it's
something Catholic couples do

that Mom thinks is wrong.

And her friend Bonnie Burns did it.

Oh, my God.

That's easy. It's divorce.

- What?
- Absolutely.

Mrs. Burns is that tasty divorcée.

The one who wears hot pants to mass.

She's the reason I sometimes
can't stand up for communion.

Mom and Dad are getting a divorce?

It's the '70s.
Divorce is the new reality.

I don't want them getting a divorce.

The important thing is now
they can compete for our love

instead of the other way around.

Two birthdays, two Christmases.

Maybe a Hanukkah.

I'm picturing Mom ending up with
Mr. Cohen from the dry cleaners.

Now, all things considered,

I think the Doctor O'Brien version

of the surgery is the way to go.

I can't even believe we're
having this conversation.

Look, you're talking about
letting them take out stuff

they don't have to.

It's barbaric,
and it probably costs extra.

But then we'd be done, Mike.

And we could keep our life
the way it is,

with no "black-out days,"
so we don't have to suffer.

But that's what makes it so sketchy.

You do something fun,

you're supposed to get hit
with a little suffering.

That's the deal. Jesus knew.

He had a nice dinner with his
friends, and the next day, that.

Oh, I told you,
Helen and Bonnie looked into it.

- They say it's fine.
- Helen is a degenerate

with a serious bingo problem,

and Bonnie wore a halter top
to a christening,

so please forgive me
if I don't look to them

- for moral guidance.
- The Bishop himself

- gave Bonnie the thumbs-up.
- Yeah, and I bet she wore that

- halter top when she asked him.
- That halter top really made

- a big impression on you, didn't it?
- It was a christening.

It made it very hard for
the baby to concentrate.

Look, I am struggling
with this stuff, too.

I even prayed on it.

Maybe I need to go back and talk
to Father Dunne some more.

Sure. You and the priest
and the bishop and the doctor...

all these men...
get to have big opinions

about whether or not I have another kid.

No one seems to care what I want!

The only person who's really tried
to support me in this is Helen!

And I don't even like her.

- Can you hear anything?
- More arguing,

but Mom walked out, so we missed it.

Peg.

I hear crying.

Is it Dad or the baby?

Just the baby so far.

Dad's instinct was always
that he should take the lead

in all important family decisions.

- I can handle it.
- It's okay.

Go watch TV or something.
I'll do what I do.

It started to dawn on Dad, however,

that each child they added to the family

meant more responsibility and more work.

And not really for him, but for Mom.

Now Mom's back.

She just took Andy away from Dad, and...

Oh, he just spit on her.

Dad spit on her? Divorce gets ugly.

Sounds like he stopped crying.

Mom put him down in the crib.

Now she's going to the dresser.

She's pulling something out.

She's undressing.

Pull me up! Pull me up! Pull me up!

Pull me up!

A divorce? That's your new theory?

Oh, maybe the baby they were
having earlier today

was them trying to save their marriage.

There's evidence, okay? The arguing,

her going away, her talking
about breaking Church rules.

Face it. We're gonna be
children of a broken home.

- I bet I could get a mini bike out of this.
- I blame Dad.

The way she slaves around here

with no appreciation from anyone but me.

To be fair, Mom's not exactly
a day in the park.

You shut your mouth.

She's a day in the park in spring.

Okay, a lot of issues here.

- Some more disturbing than others.
- Yeah! Really!?

Mom and Dad are splitting up!

We don't know that for sure.

- I just listed all...
- Guys! Guys!

There's an obvious way to find out.

Ah, yes, by breaking into divorce court

and rifling through the files.
We'll have to steal a lamp

or something to make it look
like a burglary,

but once we get our hands...

Or we could just ask Mom and Dad.

Honest, regular talking without
any subterfuge or spying.

I-I don't understand.

How are you not in jail yet?

I can pass any lie detector test.

That didn't work, did it?

Maybe next time.

We need to have a family meeting.

About what?
Where I'm gonna bury your body?

I was watching that.

They just want to know
what's happening around here.

I just want to know what's
happening on "Banacek."

They've been hearing a lot
of whispering and arguing.

Are you and Mom talking about divorce?

I wouldn't talk to your father
about divorce.

I'd just hightail it to Tijuana
and send him the papers.

Very sensible. That's why I married you.

I'm going to Tijuana with Mom.

- I want to live with Dad.
- Who invited you?

- Mom?
- Eh...

Let's all calm down.
There's no point in taking sides

- when we don't even know...
- I choose Dad!

I want Mom!
Mostly because of her spaghetti.

Nobody likes a suck-up.

But you will be getting
an extra meatball.

- Yes!
- Let me just say

I completely support this life decision

and will be happy to divide my
time between the both of you.

Also, my love can be purchased
for the price of one mini bike.

I just want to be clear that in
the event of a divorce,

- I don't want any of you.
- You're not sticking them with me.

First thing I'd do is dump
all of you at juvie hall,

get myself a bachelor pad like Banacek.

- Can I come?
- Absolutely.

Look, I don't know where
you clowns got this crap,

but your mother and I are not
getting any divorces.

Honestly.

- Really?
- If we did, it's important to know

that it would be entirely your fault.

- You mean us kids?
- No, you specifically.

He's kidding.

You'd all be to blame.

Your father and I were blissfully happy

before you animals came along,
and we won't let you b*at us.

No way. We are Catholics.

We hang in until the bitter end.

Until one of us stands
over the other one

and watches them die.

Oh, honey, so romantic.

I mean it, Peg.

Well, maybe we can avoid
any confusion in the future

if you guys were a little bit
more open with us.

Okay.

Well, maybe there is
one thing you should know.

I'm gonna be having
an operation on Monday.

What?

I'm gonna be fine.

I'm gonna be gone for three days,

and then I'm coming back.

As tempting as the sweet
rest of death might be.

What about all the arguing we heard?

Oh, you know how your mom gets...

when I'm being pig-headed.

There was this important
decision we were trying to make

that... well, it turns out is
mostly not my decision at all.

It's hers.

I was wrong, but your mom
forgives me, right?

Yes, I do.

See, no divorce.

Turn on "Banacek" and get out.

This was a big deal...

my mom and dad opening up
with personal details

and feelings like never before...

Um, so, the surgery you're having.

- What kind of operation is it?
- Well, funny you should ask.

It's a None-Of-Your-Business-ectomy.

Now, b*at it!

And then, right back to normal.

Weirdos.

- Mommy?
- Yeah, Pat?

I've been thinking a lot
about my new baby sister.

- Baby sister?
- I named her Kathy.

It's a lot better name than Buffy.

Neither one is great.

But listen,

I don't know if you'll be
getting a baby sister, Pat.

But I really, really want one.

See, I already got Kathy a present.

Pinky Bear.

I want to give her to Kathy

so she won't feel alone
being the only girl.

Aww, that's very generous of you.

If Kathy does show up one day,
I'll see that she gets this.

Thanks, Mom.

You ready for bed?

Yeah.

And, um, I've made a decision
about the operation on Monday.

Okay.

Good.

What are you doing with Pat's bear?

Oh, I've been trying to get this

grimy thing away from him for months.