01x23 - Irish Goodbye

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "The Kids Are Alright". Aired: October 16, 2018 – May 21, 2019.*
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Series is a single-camera comedy about an Irish Catholic family raising eight sons in suburban Los Angeles circa 1972, navigating the trials and tribulations of the era.
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01x23 - Irish Goodbye

Post by bunniefuu »

Great dinner as usual, Mom.

Great sucking up as usual, Frank.

Thank you for inviting me, Mrs. Cleary.

Oh, "Mrs. Cleary."

After all this time, I'm surprised
you don't call me Peggy.

- Oh, well, that would actually be...
- [Quietly] It's a test.

...inappropriate, Mrs. Cleary.

It is more respectful.

PAT: Is there any more Hamburger Helper?

[Grunts] I got the last of it.

With just a quarter pound of hamburger,

it can only help so much.

There's still lots of that green
bean thing Wendi brought.

What'd you call it again?

- Green beans.
- Mm.

I picked them fresh from our garden.

So, they were in the ground?

Like dead people?

All vegetables have been in the ground.

There's usually a can in between.

It's kind of like a buffer.

Be nice. This is obviously something

that for some reason
Wendi thought we would enjoy.

- Frank, eat some.
- You got it, Mom!

Pass the ketchup.

Eddie got us tickets
for the Laserium show tonight

at the Griffith Observatory.

Laserium? What's that entail?

You learn all about lasers.

It's... It's a very educational program.

I've heard
it's a real hands-on experience.

Kids in the dark, groping for knowledge.

What kind of lasers?

Solid-state? Chemical? Metal-vapor?

I'd say chemicals and vapors
are definitely involved.

- [Thud, chokes]
- PEGGY: You should take your dad instead.

Lasers are right up his alley.

Oh, I don't mind learning about lasers.

Oh, you don't have to act
interested in something

just for a man.

You're a liberated woman.

You and I can stay in

and work on that poncho
we're crocheting.

"Mannix" is a rerun,
so my schedule's clear.

- Great.
- Great.

We're missing somebody. Where's Timmy?

He's in the bathroom
doing his puppet's hair.

Why do I ask "where's Timmy?"
when I always hate the answer?

- ♪ I feel pretty ♪
- Sorry those kids at the party...

- ♪ Oh, so pretty ♪
- ...threw cake at you, Knuckles.

- ♪ That the city should give me ♪
- If it makes you feel any better...

- ♪ Its key ♪
- ...they were aiming for me.

♪ A committee ♪

♪ Should be organized to honor me ♪

- [Hair dryer blows]
- ♪ La-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ I feel dizzy ♪

[Electricity sizzles]

- TIMMY: Sorry!
- PEGGY: Oh, for Heaven's sakes.

It's a fuse. I'll be right back.

And I know exactly
how much food was on my plate.


[Sighs] So, we're doing this.

We're moving in together.

A bold step for the seminarian,

living in sin with
a sophisticated older woman.

I don't think of it as living in sin.

Well, don't ruin it for me, bucko.

Are you sure you're ready for this?

You've never lived with anyone before.

I've lived with seven brothers.

It'll be just like that, you know?

A lot of wrestling in our underpants.

Maybe you are ready.

I guess all that's left

is to go inside and tell your mother.

Whoa, okay.

Hang on.

Yeah, I like everything about that plan

except by mom meeting you
or knowing you exist.

Our best chance is

keeping my mom in the dark
until I'm all moved in

so she can't foil our plans.

You make her sound like some
diabolical "Batman" villain.

More like the villain's
judgmental mother

who made him that way.

Look, you're just gonna have to trust me

on how to handle Peggy Cleary...


...A.K.A. "The Meddler."

And what would you do

if I just walked up,
knocked on the door,

and introduced myself?

I'd tell you to say hi to the Clausons.

That's who lives here.
We live a block over.

I've dropped you off
at this house dozens of times.

I've seen you go inside.

Eh, it was awkward the first time,

but they're a nice couple.

Oh, they're gonna give us an end table.


An end table?


- [Door closes]
- LAWRENCE: Hello?

[Electricity sizzles]


PEGGY: Oh, look who's decided
to bless us with his presence.

Are those actual green beans
on the table

or some kind of centerpiece?

Wendi brought them.
They were in the ground.

Like Grandma,

or the chipmunk I tried to dance with.

FRANK: Eat up.

You need energy for all that
loafing around you do.

I'm working on finding myself.

Check the couch.

That's where I usually find you.

Not after next week, Dad.

I'm starting classes at Pasadena State,

and I've decided
to move closer to campus.

- Congratulations, man.
- Boy-howdy!

I finally have a real bed.

I've been sleeping under this table

for the past three months,
and it is gross.

It's where people drop their gristle.

Hey, I've been sleeping
with Pat for three years

- and there's also gristle.
- I eat in my dreams.

What exactly is the big ta-doo
about Pasadena?


What's the big ta-doo about school?

Learning stuff,

and eventually a degree in psychology.


- Psychology?
- LAWRENCE: Mm-hmm.

That's one way to go.

Pasadena State also has
an excellent program

- in airport operations...
- Mm.

...terminal and tarmac maintenance,

baggage handling.

Might make a good minor.

Of course he's studying psychology

because it's all about
blaming the mother.

Actually, the latest studies suggest

that peers are more important
in a person's development.

Mothers are actually inconsequential

in how their kids turn out.




MIKE: Let's focus on the good news.

Our son is ready to leave the nest.

More room for the rest of us

and less pressure
on the Hamburger Helper.

So, I guess I was inconsequential

during 12 hours of labor with you,

or 10 1/2 months of pregnancy
with Frank?

Family record.

Was I inconsequential

when Pat was afraid of the dark

- and I put his crib in the basement?
- I was terrified.

I can't imagine a scenario

in which you would be
inconsequential, Mother.

In fact, your beauty and intelligence

has spoiled me for all other women.

Take it down a notch, Norman Bates.

I found Norman's
unwavering devotion refreshing.


Lawrence's malarkey
about mothers having no influence.

Hogwash. You could literally
wash a hog with it.

Farmers with dirty hogs
could hire Lawrence

to come and say nonsense like that.

As a job, it makes about
as much sense as psychology.

- [Scoffs]
- [Chuckles]

Where you been?

Oh, just down at the crick
catching pollywogs.


The simple joys of childhood.

Looking for something?


We have a gig tonight,

and I still need to press his trousers.

Oh, your puppet.

I have him right...


I must've left him on the plane.

What plane?

The 1:10 out of McCarran.

I came by a couple of tickets

to see Elvis last night
at the Las Vegas Hilton.

Why would you take Knuckles?

Because people with "lap babies"

get early boarding
and their pick of the seats.

ADULT TIMMY: Back in 1972,

an airplane had roughly
the same amount of security

as a movie theater.

If you got past the stewardess,

you could probably even
sneak around back

and let your friends in.

But you took him without asking me!

In my defense, I was sure you'd say no.

We have a show in three hours.
I need him!

Do you?

Or is this one of those defining
moments in a performer's career

where an obstacle
gets thrown in your path

and it forces you to raise your game?

Like when the great opera singer
Marcel Marceau

got laryngitis and invented mime?


You went on a jet plane to Las Vegas?

And I know what you're going to ask...

yes, Elvis leaves it all on the stage.

There is a reason
that they call him The King.

- He kidnapped Knuckles.
- In fairness,

I originally wanted to take Baby Andy,

but you're such a good mother,

I figured you'd notice
after a day or so.

I probably would have.

Well, the only question now
is punishment.

Apparently what I do as a mom
is worthless,

so this would mostly be for fun.

Or I can offer
some rather juicy information

about Lawrence and his moving plans.

- Mom's not interested in making any...
- Stop interrupting.

What do you got?

I'll require full immunity
and my record expunged.

Are we forgetting
what he did to Knuckles?

Who's to say what happened to Knuckles?

Maybe Knuckles ran off.

Now you do the same.


- This better be good.
- Have a seat.

I'll make us a couple espressos.

You know how Dad always says

"I have a moving box
with your name on it, mister"?

Not a figure of speech.

He shows me mine all the time.

He gave us each a set when we were born.

Well, isn't this a fine kettle of fish.

Uh-oh. When she says that,
it's almost never about fish.

Mrs. Cleary, is something wrong?

Well, only if it's wrong
being a deceitful son

who says he's moving away
to attend college

when he's really shacking up

with a waitress I've never even met
from McSorley's Tavern.

See? No fish.

Gee, I wonder who told you about
McSorley's Tavern, Joey!

Sorry. I cut a deal.

I was looking at serious time.

You might as well take
these "Frank" boxes, too.

I doubt we'll ever be rid of that one.

Lawrence needs plenty of boxes

to move in with his secret girlfriend.

Now there's a girlfriend.

Mm. Surely you remember Fiona

from that time he never introduced us.

No, but I remember a few minutes ago

before I knew any of this.

[Chuckles] That was a good time.

You haven't met her yet

because I wanted our relationship
on a more secure footing

before you started meddling.

I meddle in my sons' relationships?

Eddie, how was
your Laserium date with Dad?

Pretty fun.

We don't get a lot of one-on-one time.

I didn't care for the music...
Emerson, Lake, or Palmer.

Look, I don't want you pulling
the same stuff with Fiona

that I've seen you do to Wendi.

What have I ever done to Wendi

except make her a poncho
and eat her stupid green beans?

- Wendi and I love each other, right?
- Huh?

You want to talk about meddling?

I haven't said word one
about the bonehead she's dating.

And I very much appreciate it.

You only befriended Wendi

so you could bully and dominate her.

- Your mom does not...
- Sweetie, keep still.

Do not denigrate our friendship.

You heard Wendi. She said she loves me.

It is so toxic

the way you're tangled up
in their lives.

Wendi and Eddie and I disagree.

I think we can speak
for ourselves, Mrs. Cleary.

But we'd be happy to do it
in another room.

Yeah, I'm gonna take off, too.

My plan was to move out next week,

- but, uh, I'll just go to Fiona's now.
- [Scoffs]

Be my guest.

[Door opens, slams]

Didn't even take his boxes.

Why do I save nice things for these kids

if they don't appreciate them?

They don't appreciate anything...

boxes, mothers.

We're all destined for the ash heap.

I should go fix his wagon.

No. Stop. Peg, back off.

Let him go or you'll drive him away.

It's like when you grab

a big handful of mashed potatoes...

the tighter you squeeze,

the more the potatoes
slip through your fingers.

If you'd buy me a decent masher,
I would have to do that.

- What's your point?
- Look, I'm not crazy about him

shacking up with this Fiona person,
but he's a grown man.

And thanks to us,
he's walking out of here

on his own two feet,

which is a miracle
considering how many times

he mowed the lawn
in those stupid sandals.

You're right.

Those sandals were ridiculous.

And you're right about
how I've been an exemplary mom.

We deserve a little credit.

We saved Lawrence's life a million times

if you consider all the times
we wanted to k*ll him and didn't.

Well, I can't disagree with you.

I've been great.

You and I got one of our little birdies

- out of the nest.
- Mm.

We need to savor the accomplishment.

We need to celebrate letting go.

You know, there's this
Irish-themed restaurant

- I've been wanting to try.
- [Chuckles]

We go to McDonald's all the time.

But I'm in.

Let me go put my loose pants on.

No, this is a tavern I heard about.

Um, McSorley's, I think.

We can check it out.

Um, but if the food's bad,

we're swinging by the Golden Arches.



Why did the boy
throw his clock out the window?

[As Pat] Because he wanted
to see time fly.

[Normal voice] What's black and white

and red all over?

That skunk that got squished
in front of our house.

You're not supposed to talk!

Maybe this is why Knuckles ran away.

I got your boy Knuckles back
from the airline.

Oh, thank God!

Yeah, stayed in touch
with one of the stews.

Rhonda made it happen.

Welcome home, Knuckles!

- Whoa.
- PAT: Who's that?

Do you live in a cave?

This is Lester,

one of the most renowned talents
in all of ventriloquism.

Knuckles is gonna be devastated

he wasn't here to meet him.

The comedy team
of Willie Tyler and Lester

were one of the reasons
I got into ventriloquism.

Also, no girls liked me.

So, why are your eyes so big?

Man, if you jumped on a bicycle
and the seat wasn't there,

your eyes would be big, too.


Oh, ventriloquism
will make me popular for sure.

It did not.

Two ventriloquism puppets
on the same flight.

I mean, what are the odds?

What do I do now?

I have a big show in an hour.

I believe he's free.


No, I couldn't.

Lester is showbiz royalty.

He's built from pieces of
the Atlantic City Boardwalk.

You know you want to.

Go ahead, Timmy.

Put your hand in him
and take him for a spin.


Say, Lester...

What, turkey?

What did you eat for Thanksgiving?

A turkey, you jive turkey.

Even in 1972, this was a huge mistake.

Mm. Wow.

This place is pretty swanky.

Cloth napkins and candles on the tables.

Well, soak in all the ambiance, honey.

They pass that cost along in the...

Holy Toledo.

40 cents for a soda.

Maybe they'll knock something off

if we blow out the candle.

Relax, I'm taking the candle.

We escaped our kids for one night,

I say we splurge.


The onion soup is French.

You feeling better about
Lawrence and this Fiona?

Well, I suppose we'll just
have to meet this mystery girl

when he's ready.

Welcome to McSorley's. Are you ready?


Yes, I am.

MIKE: I'm not usually a fish guy,

but with all the breading and the sauce,

you hardly taste it.

- I got you more tartar sauce.
- Oh, boy.

It's just mayo and pickles.

Please, write down the recipe
for my wife.

I got it.

So, how long have you been working here?

Four years.

I think I started the day
they made that batch of tartar sauce.

I am not discouraged.

You're so pretty.

I imagine you get
a lot of men hitting on you.

Believe me, I know.

This comes with a price.

Although a lot of gals are
into the bed-hopping these days,

I would never judge.

How do you feel about promiscuity?

I'm an old-fashioned girl.

I like to meet men
by putting on a nice dress

and tying myself to a railroad track.

Well, enjoy yourself.
I say live-and-let-live.

I must have been
out of the room that day. [Laughs]

I imagine you get
your drinks for free, huh?

You enjoy a little snort
every now and then?

What are you doing, honey?

I'm just saying,
in this festive atmosphere,

it must be pretty tempting

to become a degenerate alcoholic.

Could you give me a hand
over here, Fiona?

Excuse me.


[Rock music plays on stereo]

Lawrence's Fiona?

You suckered me into spying
on our son's girlfriend.

Oh, grow up.

You knew who I was when you married me.

Yeah, well, it backfired

because all you found out
was she's a very nice girl

who knows how to keep
the tartar flowing.

You're right.

There's nothing not to like about her.

But I'll find it.

Can I get you anything else?

I was wondering about
your dessert specials

and if you have
any history of mental illness

- in your family.
- We're fine.

Well, it's been a pleasure,
Mr. and Mrs...?


Miles and Eleanor Tartarson.

Hopefully we'll see you back here soon,
Miles and Eleanor.

Oh, I doubt it.

We don't get out much,

especially not after this.

I understand.

It happens to all of us as we get older.


Sweetie, how old are you?

- Eleanor...
- I don't mind.

I'm 43.

You two have a good evening.

[Music continues]

Did I hear right?

She's 43?

If she admits it that easily,

she's probably been saying it
for a long time.


I can't get over him dating
a girl... a [scoffs] lady...

43 years old.

Why would he do that?

It's like he's chasing his mother.

I know, it's great.

So much for "inconsequential."

You're okay with that?

It's weird.

It's like Lawrence

is looking for a substitute for you.

Mm. Yep.

'Cause I'm taken.

Not only am I consequential,

I'd say I gave that kid
a pretty serious complex.

Well, we know Frank's gonna be jealous.

You guys can all duke it out over me.

You know, I'm not buying
you're happy with this.

You've been looking for amm*nit*on
to use against this woman,

and now you have it.

She's The Little Old Lady From Pasadena.

Hey, watch yourself.
She's younger than me.

I just meant old for him.

Fine. It's weird.

But when you think about it, Mike,

trying to hold on to your children

is just like grabbing
a fistful of Jell-O...

the more you squeeze it,

the more it slips through your fingers.

Or mashed potatoes.

Sure, Mike. Or mashed potatoes.

I'll just have to let
Lawrence do what he does

because any more meddling
might drive him away forever.

- [Knock on door]
- Mom, Dad. It's Lawrence.


Wait, I'd better cover up.

Didn't expect to see you here.

If you're staying,

I'm happy to kick Frank out of your bed.

Just a visit.

I felt bad about
how we left things today,

and I came by hoping to heal

some of this negative energy.

Well, a good start would be

not saying stuff like "negative energy."

Well, uh, I've decided
I want you guys to meet Fiona.

We'd enjoy that...
someday in the distant future.

Maybe bring her by for Thanksgiving.

Or we could do it right now.

She's in the kitchen.


How can you expect me

to put together a turkey dinner
at this hour?

- We'll see her in November.
- It will just take a minute, guys.


- W-We'll be right out.
- Mm.



The woman might be elderly,

but she's not gonna forget us
from an hour ago.


What if she can't see us?

What are your intentions
regarding my brother?

Isn't it past your bedtime?

Now that I finally have a bed,

I have no interest in giving it back

once Missy here tires of
her pretty little plaything.

Let me guess.

That was Frank.

- [Hair dryer blows in distance]
- Yeah.

What's happening now?

Frank's personality
sucked all the light out of the world.

PEGGY: Hey, there.

- Sorry about the lights.
- I think we're out of fuses.

- This could take a while.
- Yeah.

FIONA: That's the same kind of candle

we have at our restaurant.

You mean this common candle

that's sold practically everywhere?

Uh, Fiona, this is, uh,
probably my mom and my dad.

So nice to probably meet you.

PEGGY: Well, sorry
we can't see each other.

We should definitely reschedule
for some other time.

- What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
- Oh, there's an idea.

Come at 3:00, bring a side dish,

maybe some of that tartar sauce.

Damn it.


- Why would you say that?
- Doesn't matter. Power came on.

So now you're blaming the electricity?

Did the electricity say "tartar sauce"?

I rushed to fix that fuse, Dad.

When you have an unmarried
couple on the premises,

you do not want to give them
the cover of darkness.

Thank you, Frank.

- We meet again, Miles and Eleanor.
- LAWRENCE: What's that?

FIONA: Your folks came into
the restaurant tonight

pretending to be the Tartarsons.

I'm curious...
if you'd ordered the bratwurst,

would you have been the Mustardsons?

No because that's a fake-sounding name.

So, after everything I said,

you still couldn't stop yourself
from meddling?

Don't give her all the blame.

I couldn't stop her either.

I'm glad you got to see this
for yourself.

My mother's duplicity
is like the Grand Canyon...

people tell you about it,
you can see the pictures,

but there's nothing quite like

standing in front of it
and saying, "Oh, my God."

I'm glad, too, Lawrence.

I finally get to see
how wonderful your parents are.




I think what Fiona is saying

is that I am the Grand Canyon
of wonderfulness.

Thank you. Someone gets it.

Of course your poor mom and dad

had to go to crazy lengths.

What choice did they have?

You didn't even tell them I existed.

I was just trying to protect us.

From what? Your mother's love?

I offer it to all my boys.

Whether they accept it or not
is on them.

With you, it's not love. It's control.

It's about making everything about you.

But it is about me.

It's about me losing my son.

I lost you for a while before
and you came back,

and I realized how important it is to me

having my whole family around me.

I'm just really bad at saying goodbye.

Mom, I'm just gonna be in Pasadena.

Yeah, but I hate that freeway.

Well, then I'll come here all the time.

Okay, but call first.

I guess we'll come back tomorrow

and load some of Lawrence's stuff.

I can get my hands on
some really excellent boxes.

See you soon, Mr. and Mrs. Cleary.

Oh, "Mrs. Cleary."

You sure you don't want
to call me Peggy?

Maybe someday.

Right now, it wouldn't feel respectful.

You hear that, Mike?

From a different generation,
when they had manners.

[Chuckles softly]

Come here.

But seriously, call first.

- If we don't pick up, don't come.
- Okay.

[Door opens, closes]


We gonna go through this
seven more times?

Maybe four or five.

There's a couple I'll be
happy to see the back of.

MIKE: Change.




It wasn't the easiest thing
in the world for my mom

to see Lawrence move away,

but it helped that she still had

plenty more sons to dote on.

I can't keep my arms up
much longer, Mom.

My shoulder is throbbing.

Offer it up
to St. Anthony de Bordelaine,

the patron saint of sweaters.

- Change.
- I am standing by if you need me, Mom.

[Sighs] Frank.

Always hovering.

- [Person speaking indistinctly on TV]
- Change.

Wait, wait, wait, go back.

- A coffee table.
- [Laughter]

MIKE: Holy smokes.

Timmy, get in here!

- [Laughs] This is bananas.
- TIMMY: What?


Oh, my God.

Knuckles, can you speak
any foreign languages?

I can speak Russian.

Give us two words in Russian.


That's only one.

Make it a double.


A double's a kind of a drink

but also means two of something.

Yeah, I saw you running down
the street the other day.

- The strangest thing about this...
- I can't believe Knuckles

gets to work with Willie Tyler.

Why were you running so fast?

Oh, I'm so proud of him.

He doesn't look nervous at all.

Well, now that you know where he is,

you can go and get him back.

Why would you stick
your tongue out at him...

I could, I guess.

I always stick my tongue out...

But no.

I'm not gonna stand in his way.

Knuckles was always
the real talent of the team.

For me and my mom,

the summer of 1972
was a time for letting go.

Fly high, my wooden friend.

Fly high.
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