02x08 - The Wedding

[bunniefuu]

- Beautiful night.
- Oh, yes.

(FARTS)

The drains can catch
the back of your throat,

but if you're not downwind of them,
it's very pleasant.

Just think, this time tomorrow,
you'll be Mrs Mel Harvey.

I'm not changing me first name.

No, no, that's just the way
we'll be invited to functions.

Mr and Mrs Mel Harvey.

Ooh!
What functions will we be invited to?

Just you wait, Madge.

Just you wait.

(MICK SIGHING)

Those are me knees.

Hmm. Well, thank God for that.

- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

You're not still worried
about your mam, are you?

She's 68
and she's getting married tomorrow.

Yeah, well, she's old enough
to know what she's doing.

Hmm.

I hope so.

Talking about being old enough
to know what you're doing, come here.

JANICE: Eh, eh, eh! Don't wake the kids.

MICK: Oh, it's all right. Come on.

Madge, would you mind
if I put my arm round you?

No. Of course not.

You're a very handsome woman.
You do know that, don't you?

Well, I've managed to keep me figure,
I suppose.

You've done more than that.

MAN: Yeah, that's it.

- What the bloody hell?
- Who's there?

Come on, get on with it.
I've only got a bit of tape left.

What the hell
do you think you're playing at?

What am I playing at?

What about you?
You're the ones on Dogger's Beach.

Doggers what?

People having sex in public.

Don't tell me you didn't know!

(SHUDDERS)

Madge! Mel!

What a lovely surprise seeing you here.

Jesus Christ!
I might have known you'd be here.

Hello.

Oh, we've not missed any action,
have we?

No, I think the one in
the wheelchair is a bit shy.

Oh, you did know
this was a dogging beach, didn't ya?

We don't even know what "dogging” is.

It's happening all around you.

(GRUNTING)

(MOANING)

Oh, my God.

Well, what am I looking at?
I can't see anything.

Thank God for that. Your stomach's
a bit dicky at the best of times.

Come on, princess. Bloody perverts.

I can hear a squelching noise.

Come on, we're off.
Animals, the lot of you.

Oh, dear.

Oh, well! Up for a threesome?

Absolutely!

(ALL LAUGHING)

- Martin...
- No, don't say anything.

- Could I...
- No. Seriously.

I know why you left me.
It was to get some space.

That's exactly what
I'm going to give you.

I'll be by the pool.

- But I..
- No!

- Would it... Could I...
- Ah! Ah!

...have a cup of tea?

How are you feeling?

Rough as a dog's arse.

Yeah. You looked a bit worse for wear

when Chantelle
brought you home last night.

- What time did I get in?
- Oh, I can't remember.

It was late. I think she said
you'd both been watching telly

in her apartment
while her family were out.

I don't remember that bit.

I think watching telly was...

- What do you call it?
- A euphemism.

What do you call it when you want to
use another word for having sex?

I'm going for a lie down.

All right, son.

Here you are.
Get your laughing gear round that.

- What's that?
- Bacardi and coke.

It's 10:00 in the morning.

I know, exactly.
Only 15 hours of free drinking left.

Morning, boys.

Oh! Morning, Gavin. How are you feeling?

Have you heard from your mum?

- Not yet, no.
- Oh!

You off to the wedding today?

We hardly had a chance
to say hello to her.

Nice day for a wedding, isn't it?

I mean, one minute she's there,
next minute, she disappeared.

Not a cloud in the sky.

If it were me, I'd be worried
I'd said something to offend her.

You know, marching off without even...

Sorry, Jacqueline, can I stop you there?

Thank you.

We had a bit of a run-in

with Madge and her gentleman friend
on the beach last night.

What? You went on
the beach after Neptune's?

Oh, yes.
It's quite a tradition in Benidorm.

It's not everybody's cup of tea.

But we always take
our video camera down there.

Always something interesting to film,
if you know what I mean.

Are you serious?

Oh, yes! One year, Jacqueline and I
got someone to film us

recreating the famous love scene from
that movie...

- Oh, what is it called?
- Free Willy?

No. What was it?

- From Here To Eternity.
- Hmm.

Bloody hell! And you say Madge and her
boyfriend were down there last night?

Yes. They didn't last long.

Although we did meet a very nice
Welsh chap, didn't we?

Oh, yes! He lasted a lot longer.

Toto, I don't think
we're in Kansas any more.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Who is it?
- It's Mick.

What do you want?

# Here comes the bride, 60 inches wide

# Here comes the vicar
wearing women's knick... #

Do you mind?

Here you are, bit of Dutch courage.

- What are you doing here?
- Well, I just came to say hello.

See if you need any help. Where's Madge?

Downstairs,
getting a last-minute suntan.

(MICK LAUGHS)

And I'll have no wisecracks from you,
thank you very much.

No, no. It'll do her good
to get a bit of colour.

I'm not sure what colour there is
left for her to go, but...

Sorry. Sorry, just a...just a joke.

Well, here we are then.
The day of the wedding.

(MICK CHUCKLES)

Have you just come up here
to state the obvious?

Personally,
I've got better things to do.

No, no, I just wanted to say,
you know, um,

it's not too late for you to back out.

You got ten seconds to leave this room.

No, don't get me wrong. I don't mean
cancel the wedding, just postpone it.

Why would we do that?

Well, Madge has only
known you four weeks.

We only met you just over a week ago.

I think, we should just spend a bit
more time to get to know you,

that's all.

Sit down.

What do you want to know?

Well, we know you've got a couple of
sunbed shops, but, apart from that...

My full name is Melvin Churchill Harvey.

I was born an only child in Leeds,
on Christmas Day, 1939.

Opened me first bakery in Kirkstall
in 1962.

My only wife d*ed in 1979. No children.

By 1992, I had 14 sandwich shops,

which I sold for 1.8 million
when I retired in 2005.

I opened a sunbed shop
in 2006 for something to do.

Six months later, I had five shops.

And I'm currently considering an offer

from a multi-national fitness club
to buy me out.

What else do you want to know?

(GULPS)

What are we doing sitting here, eh?

Nattering on like a pair of old women
when you,

you should be getting ready
for the happiest day of your life.

Which is what I was doing
before I was interrupted.

I'm going to leave you now to get on,

but if you need anything,
anything at all,

you just give
your old son-in-law a shout, yeah?

Very kind, I'm sure.

-3:00, on the beach.
- That's right.

Don't bother coming to get me.
I'll make me own way down there.

All right. I'll see you later, then,

Dad.

Telle, does this look all right
for during the day?

Yeah.

You're not even looking.

Trust your nana to get married
with ten minutes notice

when nobody's got
anything decent to wear.

Come on, Telle, you need to get changed.

I've told you twice,
I'm not wearing that dress.

It's your nana's wedding day.

Her and Mel
have bought it for you to wear.

Yeah, well, there's two reasons
why I'm not wearing it.

(SIGHS)

Look who I found outside,

tanning her beautiful, golden skin
in the Mediterranean sun,

the blushing bride herself.

I think he's drunk!

Come on, mam, what are you playing at?
It's 2:00.

We had to come the long way round.

Didn't want to bump into Mel.

It's bad luck for him to see me
before the wedding.

He's marrying you.
How much bad luck can one man have?

Oy! That's enough cheek from you.
I've never seen a better suited couple.

I'll be through in a minute, mam.

- Are you pissed?
- Oh, what makes you say that?

Well, you've spent the last 16 years
winding me mother up.

Now, you're all over her.

I have just found out that our future
father-in-law is a multi-millionaire.

- You're taking the piss?
- Oh, no.

Oh, no.

So, you can tell your mother

that I'll wear the frigging bridesmaid's
dress, if it'll make her happy.

Are you going to help me
with this dress?

I'm coming, mam.

- Oh, my God!
- Yes!

# We're in the money
Don't call me honey #

(SCATTING)

(SIGHS)

Nobody gets in
if they haven't got a wristband.

I don't want any riff-raff.

No problem, boss, I take care of it.

Haven't seen the vicar, have you?
I asked him to get here early.

It was Reverend Tim you booked?

He works in a gay bar
in the old town on the weekend.

The local vicar works
behind a bar in a q*eer club?

Oh, no, no. He no work behind the bar.
He is the drag act.

Very good.

Mel! Hey, what a spread!
I knew you wouldn't let us down, dad.

Wristband.

Wristband.

Are you taking the piss?
You know who I am.

I took it off 'cause it was annoying me.

No wristband, no entry.

- Come on, sod the lot of 'em.
- Right.

Uh, I might just go in for one glass
of champagne. Would you mind, son?

I do love a good wedding.

GEOFF'S MUM: Oh, thank you.

Unbelievable!

(THE WEDDING SAMBA PLAYING)

Well, you've got to hand it to them.
They've done it in style.

Oh, and lovely, isn't it?

What was your wedding like?

Oddly enough,
nowhere near as camp as this.

Excuse me, darlings.

My, God. I think
I might actually love Benidorm.

Telle! Telle!

Pass us your wristband. I can't get in.

What? So that you can get pissed
and fall asleep again?

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I think I must have had me drink spiked.

I'm actually East Lancashire's
Real Ale Drinking Champion.

Do you know, it's funny
how you're champion at all sorts,

but you can't actually do anything.

You're an expert on most subjects,
but you don't really know anything.

I know I was probably crap in bed,

but I don't remember anything.

Which is odd, 'cause you're probably

East Lancashire's
Memory Champion as well.

I can memorlse 60 random objects!

Really? Well, that's fascinating!

And I'll tell you
something else interesting, Geoff.

We didn't sleep together.

Just 'cause I'm a teenage single mom,
don't mean I'm a slag!

A bit like, even though you know
all the capitals of the world,

it don't make you an interesting person.

- Quarter past three.
- Don't worry, she'll be here.

- Hope she's not had second thoughts.
- You're not the only one.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

I'm confused. Can she walk or can't she?

Why walk down the aisle
when you can glide?

Dearly beloved...

Jesus!
The vicar's got more make-up on than me.

...here on this wonderful,
sunny afternoon...

- I'm between shows.
- Oh.

To witness the marriage
of Mel and Madge.

It is at this time that I would
like to say a few words on behalf of...

Shall we sit together?
I'm on me own as well.

Oh, yes, okay.

...during this gay musical
that we call life.

I heard your wife left you.

I am sorry.

Well, she didn't exactly leave me.
She just needed some space.

Oh, I see. Well, I suppose...

Hello.

Mel and Madge have been lucky enough

to find each other
during life's closing number.

Jesus! He's pushed the boat out here,
this must have cost him a fortune!

Don't worry. There's plenty more
where that came from.

If any one person here present
knows of any lawful impediment

to this marriage,
then he or she should declare it now.

JACK: Janice!

MAN: Hey, who's that?

It's your last chance. I got the car
with me, we can go anywhere you want.

Did someone order a taxi?

- Jesus Christ!
- It's that lad from last night.

If you won't come with me,
just give me one more kiss.

I can't stop thinking about ya.

- Get rid of him.
- MATEO: Okay.

Janice! Janice!

- One more?
- I don't think he's all there.

I think he might have
learning difficulties.

He'll have f*cking walking difficulties
if he comes anywhere near me!

JACK: Janice!

- Shall we continue?
- Yes, let's.

Do you, Madge Delilah Barron,
take Melvin Churchill Harvey

as your lawful wedded husband...

- What was all that about?
- I don't know.

- What did he mean, another kiss?
- I honestly have no idea.

...or in health, to love and to cherish
till death do you part.

I do.

Do you, Melvin Churchill Harvey...

Kate, I know I've handled this situation
badly, but people make mistakes.

Martin, I've been to see someone
this morning.

- A lawyer?
- A doctor.

Oh, my God,
I knew there was something wrong.

I'm pregnant.

- But when did we...
- The night of the arm wrestling match.

But we were told
I couldn't give you a baby.

People make mistakes.

(KATE LAUGHS)

To love and to cherish
till death do you part?

- I..
- MARTIN: Yes!

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

Sorry.

To love and to cherish
till death do us part?

(MAN SCREAMING)

f*cking hell!

(MEL EXCLAIMS)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I'm sorry. Are you all right?

(MAN SCREAMING)

No! Get me down!l

Oh!

GEOFF: Mother! Mother!

MADGE: Oh, Mel! Mel!

He said "I do" I heard him.

- Hey, that was lucky wasn't it?
- Get out of the way, you idiot.

Mel! Mel! Can you hear me?

Oh, my God. That's it.

I've lost him. That big, fat lump
tried to k*ll him the last time.

He's done it now.

(SOBBING) What am I going to do?

His feet are moving!

They are. His feet are moving.

- He's not dead!
- Come on, dad, you can make it.

Don't go towards the light. Whatever
you do, don't go towards the light!

(GROANING)

Come on, Mel, you can do it.

(MEL GROANS)

- He's allve!
- Yes!

(ALL CHEERING)

Now, come on, someone get the vicar.
Let's get this wrapped up.

What do you think you're doing?
He needs to go to hospital!

Look...

I really think
he should go to a hospital.

This man has waited all his life
to meet the woman of his dreams!

Get that vicar here now!

(MEL MOANING)

Read, fast.

Do you, Melvin Churchill Harvey...

Who are you?

That's the vicar, Mel.
You've had a bump on the head.

Who are you?

Oh, sh*t! Mel, Mel, don't panic,
it'll all come back to you.

You remember Madge, don't you?

(MEL EXCLAIMS)

What's happening? Where am I?
This isn't Lytham St Annes!

He's lost his memory
from the bash on the head.

I've seen this happen before.

Oh, yes. A friend of ours, gay Derek,

once got concussed
by the buckle of a leather harness.

That's right. Didn't know
his own name for over a month.

And then, in a freak accident
during an advanced step class,

he managed to kick himself
in his own head.

Memory came back, just like that.

Mel, come and sit down for a minute.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

JANICE: Jesus!

MICHAEL: Dad!

Jesus Christ!

What do you think you're playing at?

I was trying to get his memory back!

(MADGE CRYING)

Lock him up
and throw away the bloody key.

What are you doing?
I was trying to help him!

We're the only family he's got.

Sorry, I didn't mean to cause a scene.

Get that little sh*t away from my wife!

Janice! Janice!

Janice, I love you!

Janice!

MADGE: I'll get you! I will!

(SOBBING)

Oh, I do love a good wedding.

# Down in the land of the Rlo Grande

# When people are married,
they always have a dance

# The music is grand, to a samba band

# And people are carried away
with such romance

# Ole, ole, the wedding samba

# Will bring
a timid señorita to her feet

# And when they play the wedding samba #