09x09 - The Benidorm Circus

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yeah okay Cory one says but cetera Hotel Madre mía

Oh there esta said to Pio ha e tu Padre

and esta Paris trabajo por esto Beta Beta Gamma get yourself there any need I

know he's just a child but if he cannot do the job he should not be working but talking about that talking abouts on the

showing I'm trying to keep their look look what baby Jesus has done rather

that's fabulous okay pride next month I think all the hotels should do that

really maybe now

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Thank You team holding the fault so far I'm going to make this brief yes we have

had an illegal 10 year old worker pour weed k*ller into the filtration system

of the swimming pool but we are not going to let this boil our guests holidays why is baby Jesus illegal it's

because he's 10 I knew something like this would happen eventually where is

Jesus apparently is everywhere Jesus bless you if you're just going to make

infantile jokes you may as well leave I'm only a to find out why our waters been turned up for the last three hours

as we have no idea into which post baby Jesus poured the weed k*ller the entire

hotel will have to be evacuated as I was

saying all the guests will have to be evacuated until the hotel gets a clean bill of health why did you not eradicate

them three hours ago we've been stalling our guests in the reception area because I thought we may

have sorted things out by now but apparently we need someone from the council to give us a thumbs up how long

will it tick oh Jesus

why don't we all go for a walk Tiger and Joey went on the mountain walk last year Cooper mountain trying to k*ll me unless

dear me ology what about the beach covered in sand paint first written between all shared we could go to the

zoo Hazel's what a stinking miserable animal staring at outside world which in the

coolest kid I know how they feel the good news is I've been on the phone to

Andre the manager of the Benidorm circus and I've arranged for all our guests to

spend the whole afternoon there oh [Music] goodness how do cancel this Oh Savage what the

hell is going on we're still it's a lovely surprise how are you are you trying to close me

down no no I was moving the laptop so I could see you properly

I'm talking about my hotel service like

I've no idea what you mean weed k*ller in the swimming pool child labour hotel

guests rioting good news travels fast sabotage but gossip travels at the speed

of light I must admit the swimming pool is temporarily out of commission I don't

remember the guests rioting okay Savage

I understand that accidents happen but my patience is wearing thin the hotel

won't be safe until early evening but in a flash of inspiration we're taking our

guests to the belly don't circus where you said they have no shortage of clowns um I have everything under control

crystal well I hope you do because if you mess this up not like Empress of you but that bumbling hapless rabble

simpletons to work for you will also be on scrap heap I will close the sole owner down for a month and totally

rebrand you can't do that just watch me savage because you can guarantee I'll be

watching you mr. preserve it who are the mumbling simple tones

perhaps we could be getting rid of them for you these people are gonna tear this

hotel apart come on everyone out ladies

and gentlemen and I'm thrilled to announce to make up for the slight technical problems we've had today I have secured a free trip to the

world-famous Benny Dom's circus you don't have clowns in here already yes

you're not the first to say that yeah I bet as well as the sensational

entertainment we are also laying on free luxury coat

travel there's no water complimentary refreshments will be provided dumping

water to drink I mean in the rooms I need a shower yeah he really does

look I see the first of the complimentary luxury coaches are

arriving now wonderful timing all aboard Nathalie is all about and all

the people that haven't had a shower get on the same coach please very amusing look I'll admit at the

moment the chips are down but if we can get through today we can get through just about anything

Oh as my old friend used to say just when you thought it couldn't get any harder last yours another finger of your

boom Joyce Joyce I came as soon as I

heard what are you doing here please I know you're angry with me I just want to help Monty if you really

want to help then go away [Music]

the choice so what's it gonna be circus or your mother's or tell never a dull

moment here is there some lads put weed k*ller in the swimming pool yeah circus

sounds fun and I bet one of them quarters have got aircon yeah come on

circus [Music]

Oh

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ladies and gentlemen welcome to the berry dawn suckers

feel free to luxuriate in the cool air-conditioned ambiance of our luxury

coach for a few minutes and I'll let them know we're here

metier would you like to join me no I want to urinate in a cool

air-conditioned ambulance of the luxury coach move yourself okay okay we reckon

the best thing you need now is just hand fire for a bit while we get inside see how the light plays okay right [ __ ]

chill your boots here for a bit while I go and touch up a few clowns as I'm not add any other ruff is this we might

you've even got to go for that or t*rrorists not happening and put that over misery mate I wanna say sign to you

why don't you just take the piss I'm just not into one-night stands you know

just for the sake of them right you think I'm weird don't ya I might

although we aren't real and a lot of choice in this holiday true although if you shag Rob's grandma again then

technically it won't be a one-night stand there'll be more of an affair jokes

you are Joy's yes welcome joy I am Andre we spoke on the phone

welcome to the embedded arm circus apologies my my belt is very loose my

trousers they they keep falling down I don't have the underwear we would not want the accident to happen we wouldn't

I'm Dre I can't tell you what this means to us we've had an absolute disaster you are literally saving the day yes it's

not a problem especially for such a beautiful lady what time is a show a big

pardon what time is the show who's this this is Mateo he works for me

so is 6 p.m. every Sunday no no he means what time is the show today today yes

what time is the show today right what we doing I was gonna defeat Andre you

said I could bring our guests up here to the circus when you call me you just asked if I had a room for your hotel

guests you said nothing about show how we run you joking what do you think I wanted to do sit them all in an empty tent for the

afternoon and they're learning success till here the flying girl dummies no they left

some time ago madame fuego the fire eater and no el vira to be the lady right sorry instead

of going through the entire list of your ex shags why don't we ask who is here and if they're willing to put on a show

for us I hate to say this but that's a very good idea if we don't do someone's gonna mutiny you can knock on the

trailer doors but the circus performance they do not speak good English or whatever language he is speaking luckily

I brought Mateo even less speak Spanish as they say in my country the ends been

access what are we going to do you try

and get some acts together and we'll heard that lot into the tent right now I need more that how are you with sign

language sign language mmm Oh charming somehow I don't think that's

gonna help us [Music]

exciting isn't it Olli she is in Benidorm I've never been to the circus my mother was a magician's assistant

worked in the circus when I was in my final year at school she doesn't cool

wooden sword host majus yours having an affair with my woodwork teacher as well at the time so

you never quite knew where she'd been Liam what if I told you about getting so

excited oh sorry Kenny Just Answer Jacqueline all these years I've never been to the Benidorm Circus Ohio

it's brilliant incredible really amazing Liam what's wrong hmm oh nothing just

dumped nerd for me dad today he's travelling back what's afternoon isn't he yeah but dead in it there's more bloody

atmosphere don't moon looks amazing on the Internet five star reviews music on while

awaiting a circus once came to our school and I was the kids I say circus

it was a man and a goat the man was dressed as a cowboy and the goat was wearing one of them neckerchief

things and and what what was that it

well they allowed us to stroke the goat and then as a Furnari the bloke bent over

and the goat stood on his back bloody hell where was this circus 1930s

Russia no I told you they came to our school you can answer that

oh wow now you'll be that solicitor again what solicitor vultures picking of

their own Pickford's bones what are they ringing you for grounded well you have no family and now with the only friend

in his form bought that was still alive you might have left you for two yeah you have nothing in fact he had less than

nothing it got more debt than Lenny Bishop who's Lenny bishop somebody with less debt than Ron Pickford

obviously yeah and they do want him coming after me for it don't think you

can be liable for somebody else's debt if you're not related to them grandad you could be liable for a smack in the

gob if you don't turn that during her off at sooner listen to listen your whiny voice any day do you

want me to put it on silent for you grandma Rob your Nana gets on everybody's nervous no need to refer to her as it alright thank you

save the comedy for the clowns you ever see any you ever been to a circus before

no man I'm excited of you yeah when I was really little all our limbo is this geezer put his

head in a lion's mouth not very impressive is it you joking well no a lion's mouth is massive innit

it'd be much more impressive if he could put his head in say a rabbit's mouth but

is everyone fit exactly much more impressive [Music]

so you're at the Jordy bar I ever since don't think I've ever been in there

crackin breakfast I prefer breakfast in bed so what's going on with less in the

UK or I think he's just gone home to sort out a few financial matters it's good of you to step in for him hi well

we're Jordy stick together no yeah you'll never walk alone and all that that's Liverpool is it castle no don't

tell me I know it Blue Moon Man City I'm forever blowing

bubbles no that will Michael Jackson want it it's local hero makes me laugh

the way growing cold tied into knots about kicking an inflated bag of leather around a glorified school playing field

I'm sorry well it's usually men who take the piss out of girls for crying at sub films but when their team loses the ball

in the rise out it's a life or death it's just a game are you alright

or perhaps if women try to understand what it's like to commit your life your soul your very existence to the agony

and t*rture the nerves shred and heartbreak have devoted every single fiber of your being till your home team

then maybe just maybe they might begin to scratch the surface of why Colin

football just a game can cause a grown man to smash up his own bar through all

his programs and memorabilia including a signed picture of Paul Gascoigne into

skip and then set fire to the lot and collapse until he ashes cryin in this

Newcastle Brown Ale after losing to Sheffield let's G it's just about sadder

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so for intruding we're looking for performance about Hispaniola no he does

not speak his punish and she working and Spain and nothing bothering to learn the language what are we going to do he

clearly isn't speak English either ah si taliano si si a Bibble problem in

lost Alberto be on uly4 he was spectacular you know stereos pity so l to journal about Rocha que mucho holy

air a Sony quake on in your copper pots

literally leVoir cool a caravan Ali grazie prego he cannot help except to

try the livewire sisters in their Karen I didn't know you could speak Italian matterr I didn't know you couldn't

actually I say I did not know I could have guessed

Kirara hablas espanol and professor we won't survive Donatello cannabis

mother respect extra maybe no popescu economy would they take my cerebellum

cheap epithets Valdez a clip so long oh yeah she miss Kelly magic mm-hmm no I should

inspect or what fellas a kilobyte oh look what I guess Keaton on page but there's no money

after [Music] Oh [Music]

hola I'm not spying on your daughter ah Deutsche alles klar you seen

phenomenal Cardin hotel and power and the thinkin Slade let me take your Agins poor guy my feeling come Constance

Hilton but just one time client hard night oh you just do new speed wait mean

mean mean mean sale what the [ __ ] you

doin here your [ __ ] I cannot believe it I thought you were dead shrinks you look like a Booker to

show yourself no I mean someone told me you d*ed I d*ed on a regular basis every

Sunday at 6 o'clock I blame the audience

and finish science why did you in costume and makeup you

know there is no show today if I want to see here dressed as Murray thick and Antoinette I will do it's my life anyway

there's no point emotion is our love we have another show at the end of the week and we need to put on a show but none of

the acts will help us what dafuk makes you think I'm gonna fake and help you this is a--

who defect you I'm second of them unsuitable please mean we need your help

no means no no [ __ ] off and leave me in peace what if we cut you another drink or kind

of drink another big buck of that yummy scrummy Irish whiskey how big twice as

big as that one we're more do I get it I'll send somebody for it now right

let's get the second show on the road follow me come on

getting a numb bum phenomenon in Benidorm this afternoon oh yeah what's

that it's the Benidorm swingers association biannual wife swap and finger buffet oh

I think I'll pass thanks Oh they've got a great band on Donald

and I met them at the palace yeah I think I'll just stay here they're giving out candy floss now you show them what

palace Oh Donald I got invited to Buckingham Palace a few years ago and

there was this terrific band plane so we recommended them to the BSA what was you

and Donald doing in Buckingham Palace oh we got invited to the Diamond Jubilee after meeting the Queen of Denmark in a

brothel in Amsterdam well they said it was the Queen of Denmark

just coming to look here and see if pull yeah

charmed I'm sure this is being he's gonna help us put on a show nope he's not the fire eater it'll burn

for the rest of week Oh brick oh yeah I think you already said that Joyce Oh Saint mom T how many more times

go away and busy you don't understand I wanted to take you up the young team in town won't you please we've been through

this I think he means that down hold Oh anyway I went up there on my own I got a

couple of old frames to pull a few strings and they're gonna speed up the inspection of the solana you did that

for me we will get your whiskey first we

need to find some more acts there are no order acts we can hardly put on a show with just one clown one pickle clown

back off there's enough food you a show

we tell you do you remember Elena of course we were engaged to be married oh wait a second rest of him do you

remember the noise thrown up she was in see Claire oh I saw it a thousand times oh come on who is putting on short we

are these people cannot perform in Big Top only professional circus act come on ignore him he's affectionate I

am warning you Ben I will not let this happen do you understand me I know I'm warning you teddy

unless you want crazier Manchester police crawling all over this tent like ants on a sheep looking for a Terrence

Goblin the Fleetwood flasher or keep your big trap shut you're having a laugh she wouldn't booty

there try me now stop being a d*ck and get out of me way

straight ahead on me to backstage and flip we're just going looking a few more doors

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ladies and gentlemen boys and girls [Music]

in tonight's show we happy what are you

doing you're not on yet

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no funny business [Music]

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[Music] No you'll thank you more not be boring

you call him boring that's my wife you're talking to how about your outfit what are you doing

you only live once [Applause]

we go [Applause]

[Music] who visits from China

Oh [Music]

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get me off this freakin board [Applause]

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what you're trying to do give me a heart att*ck [Music]

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choice

we've done what you can go back to the hotel you've got a clean bill of health they said it could take up to eight

hours I've used up just about every favor I had going at a town hall you're

worth it Joyce anything features

[Applause]

[Music]

as you can see a crystal in the grand scheme of things we turn what could have

been a disaster into a wonderful trip to the circus but I suppose I should let you be the judge of that

I never said judgment of you Savage what kind of a boss do you think I am no it's very kind of you no I'll let everyone

else do that sorry the questionnaire will be emailed from my office in the next ten minutes and I want every guest

to fill out the form when they check out now if I find that the majority of our

guests have not had the holiday of a lifetime you are out do you understand

yes crystal well that's be all crystal hello I'm going up a six-week transatlantic cruise

and I need a valid you need someone to clean your car no you idiot I need a butler steward a man who can I'm not

sure we've got anyone suitable for that crystal I think you do

[Music] Thank You Neville well I really don't

know how to thank you Monty well I'm sure we can find our way do you

think of nothing else I'm sorry I was just about to last you if you'd let my nephew sing in Neptune's I'm sorry well

on any other night won't it won't have been a problem but I really do have to pull out all the stops tonight if I

don't give these people the best night of their lives I'm out of my ear sorry but did I over a

you need a band for tonight I'm sorry [Music]

should be out and about last night how about where I don't know anywhere

I'm going your way have you not seen it's gonna be abandoned I think a bit of

dancing might be on the cards mmm you're gonna dance my granddad it may be sure the look we made it all

gets to take my on the floor later yeah and a hundred even will appear ones that don't shine out loud though you're

shorter days what's wrong that I took the ring off on the vibrate right I am

hello any Dalston make it quick upon the other oh no miss your big golem

alright that's right trial of right he's

ready to go whenever you need him my nephew Danny who said he could sing tell him to do only one song that band

in the dressing room a drink who was dry

choice what's happening between us that's a great deal no what I mean is there's a gentlemen please welcome to

the stage a very talented young man mr. Tully Tully [Applause]

thank you guys my name is Danny I'm missing a song called get here thanks

for this song c'mon see how can it tell it you down is this a joke

it's what a jungle it's just supposed to be the best holiday I'll guess I've ever had

oh no have you brought me a man with the voice of a 13 year old girl and a face

like a dropped cry Joyce listen to me I took a taxi to the airport yesterday

I booked a ticket a one-way ticket to Luton as I sit there looking at my

ticket [Music] is what that bad he's fairly bad as it

goes no what I mean is I felt I was in the UK in search of something something

that was missing from my life and that's something was already here [Music]

you capricious my truck Oh [Music]

choice on the face of Italy I can give the impression of being somewhat

unreliable at worst I can appear to be what's the phrase almost I've gotta say

devil-may-care but it's purely a facade I know you must think this amount

roguish charm I could have my pick of the most beautiful women in the world but I don't I want you to see so I'm

going to ask you a question yes I am the question I need a definite

man certain does the answer to that question will determine how I live the rest of my life over here

in Benidorm or in the UK looking for love Luton itself [ __ ] flowing into me

so what the surrounding areas it wasn't me brought it about Hughes just answer

the question ice me it yet this will do no you didn't you just waffled on about Luton

Joyce temple Savage [Music]

not chips and oysters chips and rice just talking about mr.

vasami you seen the group in the dressing room why it's madness why is it always up to me to sell

everything out [Music]

yeah he live you can

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and now a special treat for you all I'm assured it's their name and not what's

wrong as them please welcome madness [Applause]

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[Music] for your pleasure with love today

for the wings of it [Music]

whoa brother right right well thanks for calling bye

yeah be in touch Blue team your or decision it's madness

this is your on the phone that's madness it will be the real ones they'll be a tribute band you saying I don't know

about this that [Music]

not even listening to me for Christ's sake Billy will you push us all out of our misery and tell us what is that the

solicitor collected - that's why he wouldn't answer me give a third on them

Ron Pickford yeah yeah he's left his house in his will he didn't join house it would have count you out according to him he bought the house off

the council in the early eighties he did have a lot of tests for the sugar solution left over more stressed - over

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looking down [Music]

[Music] so we would die leave me alone the money

well don't look at me I've spent Issus against it simply new mom thank you very much

[Music] well 300 quid 300 wit I'm not choose the

council for the house back for 65,000 that's including store feet garage

Bickford that's two finger Digimon who was at least exempt I'm 700 quid down

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oh that listen to this

looks like my dogs enjoying it while the worse is Sunday best mother's

side she needs a rest the kids are playing a bass test [Music]

all right doctor our brothers here today to kick on a bra [Music]

are we on the pole tonight we are the sniff all about instant gratification

you know sex should be special between

two people who love each other I love changing experience not just a quick

bumble on the dance floor in cafe Benidorm at 4:00 in the morning all right fight games here okay well I'm

not gonna waste any more time are you up for a walk excuse me I'm not talking to you I'm talking to him he's not into

one-night stand fair enough but if you change your mind I guarantee you such an unbelievable

night not only will you lose the power of speech for several hours after you'll find it difficult to walk for a good 20

minutes - you serious believe me Joey you think your hair

standing on them now nothing

five [Music]

where you going where do you think I'm going you said sex has to be a life-changing experience and that sounds

pretty life-changing to me I don't know when everything with

children when we would have such a pirated time such a by an entire time

hey listen what's happy about you leave me down south to work yeah I'm thinking I'm not gonna bother now no cost living

thankful down there it's not cheap is there so you're gonna go back to uni

still gonna take a year out maybe change courses think about a like a tourist

new data to bother me but then again on this Sun it could be a right bastard at work

really yeah it's that short man seen driving it angry little geezer will the to finish

over doc I don't want to be working through

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thank you thanks for the game tables great how was

the swingers party interesting but we decided to swerve the finger buffet well

if you boys fancy a nibble later you know I've got a soft spot for woody hmm

oh my god I love this one

I never thought I'd miss you for half as much as I do

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and I never thought I'd feel this way the way I feel about you

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weekend in Wigan all day sweet that you

can't come back in the UK that you know

he owes some money well lots of money worse than that it's

the taxman how much lofts thousands tens

of thousands he went back home to visit and making hospital and someone grassed him up he has never paid tax in the UK

that's why I came to Spain over 20 years ago they're taking his passport off him now I have to make a decision do I stay

here or do I go back to the UK to be with me doubtless I'm recipes and the path

well whoever they are they're going down very well it's madness you must have

heard a madness but I must say this too just ring a bell come on mr. savage even

in Spain manners are huge this is one holiday these peoples never gonna forget Oh got some great news you're going on

sir comment what does this mean the solana group need someone to work on a world cruise for six weeks this is a

joke no no don't retire you're going to travel the world all in first-class oh mr. bruchschnauser I don't know what

to say you'll be going with crystal Hennessy vas what wait no please miss temple

Savage no I'm sorry miss hair but she's very angry about what happened today we need to give her what she wants but I

know what she wants and I do not want to give it to her I'm sorry miss hair my hands are tied so will be mine mr. Bruce

Abbott please in Spain we have a saying do not stand in the mouth of the sea during their storm but she was one of

you up and we have a saying - Mateo is called taking one for the team

mice monkey oh he's gone Macey calm I don't know he said someone about Luke

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Montee choice where are you going I need

to make a decision in my life and I need to make it now I'm sorry I put you on the spot but if I

don't make a change now I never will okay I don't know what to say just say

yes or no choice what are you marry me

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