02x03 - One Flu Over My Dead Body

[bunniefuu]

Ha!
McDavid over to Orr.

- Orr back to McDavid!
- That makes no sense.

They played in two different eras.

Fine.
Orr over to Chamberlain.

- No, that's basketball, you...
- Five hole!

- Nothing but net.
- Lucky sh*t.

Last year that would have
been a lucky sh*t.

Not this year.

Ha ha! Toe drag!
Deke!

Dangle...

Top shelf, where mom keeps the
peanut butter and the EpiPen.

Whoo!

- Whew...
- How is this happening?

I'm the best goalie in the
Pickerel Valley Hockey League.

You're getting slow, old man.

- Look who else is gassed.
- I'm not gassed.

This is how I celebrate.

You celebrate by hurling?

♪ You think there's
not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

2x03 - One Flew Over My Dead Body

It's great to get out of the office.

- Smell that fresh air.
- Uh, you do remember

that we're looking for a dead body.

That doesn't mean
we can't enjoy nature.

This is kind of exciting. I've never
seen a real live dead body before.

Well, don't get your hopes up.

Lanny tends
to exaggerate things

like, a hundred zillion times
bigger than they are.

He probably just saw
a coyote carcass.

Really?
Do coyotes have fingers?

No, coyotes have paws.
Now, raccoons,

they have grabby,
thieving little fingers.

Davis!
Look where I'm pointing.

Yes, Karen,
you also have fingers.

Look!

What's this?

Don't tell me you trapped
another baby skunk.

It's an early Christmas present.
Ta-da!

- It's a Beep-Boop machine.
- Why would you buy that for me?

Because of your complaining.

'Bout time you got here.
The air conditioner's broken,

the washroom toilet's leaking,
and there's a family of skunks

living underneath
the storage room...

Argh!

And this stupid machine
is giving me carpal tunnel.

Of all the things I complain about,
that's the one you pick?

But you said "Argh!"

I already hooked it up, so all you
need to do is just swipe here...

You swipe the bar...

Here's the manual.
Happy reading.

Oh, and one more thing.
My goalie reflexes are a little rusty,

so I need you to randomly
throw things at me

throughout the day.
Keep me on my toes.

Not that. Smaller, less
expensive, and less metal-y.

Ouch!

Lacey, what's with the bottles?

- Hm. Tastes tingly.
- It's hand sanitizer.

I put bottles on all of the tables

when the first sign
of flu season arrives.

I-I'm not sick.
This is allergies.

You say that every year,

and every year,
you infect the whole town,

or has everyone forgotten
the snot-pocalypse of 2012?

Do you not recall
the phlegm-ageddon of 2015?

Do you recall
you're the only one

- who thinks those names are funny?
- Regardless,

I'm implementing a mandatory
hand sanitizing rule.

- What? You're kidding!
- Outrageous!

No shirt, no shoes, no
sanitizer, no service.

No shoes?

Put sanitizer on those,
and socks.

The wrists are
duct-taped to a 2 x 4.

And the head is missing.

This would be real
disturbing if it was a human.

Yeah.
Oh well, wanna hike a bit further?

- There's a giant beaver dam nearby.
- Wait a minute.

There's a headless mannequin
duct-taped to a 2 x 4

in the middle of the woods,
and you're not at all intrigued?

There's a giant beaver dam
nearby, and you're not intrigued?

Beavers build dams.

If they built a picnic table,
I'd be intrigued.

I guess it is kinda creepy.

All right, we'll stick around

- and noodle on this for a bit.
- Yes!

Pfft...

- Yeah, I got nothing. Let's go.
- Davis, come on.

This beaver dam is humongous!

Oh!

Ooh...

- Are you sure this machine is safe?
- Completely harmless.

You're wearing a lead bra, right?

Just kidding.
Here, you try it.

Oh!

See? Any idiot can do it.

Okay... Hello there, Helen.
I see you're experiencing

our new scanner check-out system.

It streamlines the process

for a more pleasant
customer experience.

- If you find the sound "blank" pleasant.
- She raises a good point.

You have to make sure
you hear the Beep-Boop sound

to ensure it's scanned properly.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

Ouch!
Keep 'em comin'.

- Those are my cough drops.
- Whoa, they're not yours

until you hear the Beep-Boop.

You've done a lot of crazy
things in the past, Lacey,

and I've kept my mouth shut...

You've never kept your mouth shut!

Using all this anti-sanitary goop
is doing more harm than good.

Every year, the doctor tries
to give me a flu sh*t,

and every year, I tell him
the same thing...

- Go to hell!
- Not true.

One year you told him
to go hump a stump.

Because my immune system
is as strong as Fort Knock.

- It's "Knox."
- Pardon?

- It's not "Knock"...
- Who's there?

Why do I even...

Listen, if you think your
immune system is so kick-ass,

then I challenge you
to follow Hank around all day

and try not to catch his "allergies."

- Challenge accepted!
- This could be fun.

It's gonna be fun and a breeze.
Breezy fun.

I gotta hit the john.

Wash your hands!
And the walls!

Oscar, you have to stick with
Hank all day, starting now.

- Even when he's...?
- Even when he's...

What if he's doing a number two?

- This feels like the start of a...
- Stop.

♪ ...Flunami ♪

I can't believe
you weren't impressed.

Beaver dams are like icebergs,

- two thirds below the water.
- Interesting.

Emma's mannequin
isn't in her sewing room.

Looks like we have a suspect
for our mannequin m*rder.

I guess it's not really a m*rder.

- The thing was never alive.
- Mannequin mystery?

Mannequin mystery!

I can't believe how
absurd Oscar and Hank are

with their stupid germ theory.

People do need
to be exposed to germs

- to build stronger immune systems.
- So you agree with Oscar?

And the last time I did that
was on our wedding day.

And how'd that work out for ya?

If anyone's being absurd,
it's you with that hand sanitizer.

Maybe I'm being a little excessive,

but not to the point
of being fanatical.

I am not fanatical.

That's not me...
fanatical...

I challenge you to not use sanitizer

for as long as Oscar has
to hang around with Hank.

Challenge accepted.

Uh, uh, uh...

Hey, Emma.
Doing much sewing lately?

- Did you split your pants again?
- Just answer the question.

No, I haven't been sewing much.

- Busted!
- It's a little too early for that.

Sorry.
Maybe you haven't been sewing

because your mannequin
is mysteriously missing?

- It's at home.
- Say it.

Say what?

Oh, yeah.
Busted!

We peeked in your window.

There is no mannequin
in your sewing room.

I didn't say it was
in the sewing room.

I hid it down here
after I caught Oscar

doing strange things with it.

I want you to k*ll
every crow you see.

Hah! Hah!
Haah!

...each one stranger than the last,

and now can I ask why you
were peeking in my window?

It's on a need-to-know basis,

and I didn't need to know
that stuff about Oscar.

Jeebus Christmas,
I thought you were a zombie.

I'm not sick, I'm just
having a reaction.

That's why I'm making him
buy allergy medicine.

Yeah, I'll wash it down
with this energy drink,

and I should be right as rai...

...rain.

- Is that sanitizer?
- It's vitamin C.

- It says "window cleaner."
- Lemon scented.

Stop dithering and ring us up.

I'm not touching
anything you touched.

Hold your breath
and ring yourselves out.

Now take your change
and go exhale outside.

You see how they did that?

Then have at 'er.

I can't believe we don't
see more hobos in town

with all the fire pits out here.

- How do you know it's hobos?
- Harmonica.

Classic hobo instrument.

Also found a belt and a sleeping bag.

- Classic hobo bedroom.
- Insensitive.

- What did you find?
- Catalogues.

I gathered way more
evidence than you.

- I win.
- It's not a competition.

Hold the phone.

Holy crap, it's the mannequin head!

With Brent's face on it.

Well, a picture of Brent's face.

- Do you know what this means?
- Hobos hate Brent?

I think this means everything
someone did to the mannequin,

- they want to do to Brent.
- Whoa.

This just went from a fake crime
to an actual crime...

Well, a practice crime
for the actual crime.

- We need to warn Brent.
- No! That'll freak him out,

which will tip off our suspect.

If we're going to catch
this psycho,

we need Brent to act
as normal as possible.

What the hell are you doing?

If I'm going to be the best goalie,

I have to sharpen all my senses,
including my hearing.

Incoming!

Ow!
Okay, time out.

I think I found a way
to connect these things.

You're just physically
connecting them with yarn.

That's not police work.

I see it in police shows
all the time.

At least I'm trying, instead
of flipping through catalogues.

- Shopaholic.
- These catalogues are evidence.

There's duct tape on the covers

that matches the tape
on the mannequin.

Hang on...
this page is dog-eared.

I know that skirt.

I don't think women
like to be called that.

Oh, man...
Can you believe Lacey?

If she had it her way, we'd
all be living in plastic bubbles

suckin' soup through a tube.

Once that allergy medicine
kicks in, it'll just be

another day of you and me
puttin' up with each other.

Oh, it's already kicked in.

That energy drink
must have supercharged it.

My heart's thumpin' like a rabbit,
my fingers are tingly,

my left eye won't focus.

Just what the hell kind
of allergies do you have?

- Okay, well, have a nice day.
- Mm-hmm.

Rheena! Duck!

Ha! You missed!

- Aren't you supposed to stop these?
- Ah, dammit.

Hey, what's the deal?

Well, I further
streamlined the system

and eliminated the middle-woman.

Say hello to Dog River's
first self-checkout.

Hello, and this frees you up

- to go say hello to the mop.
- But you usually mop.

You usually run the till.
Off you go.

But first come back
and help Phil with the scanner.

Ow!
Always in the head.

How's it going, Lacey?
You look uncomfortable.

I'm managing just fine.

Oh, look, a french fry.
Shame to waste it.

Ew, gross!

Relax, it's a fry from my own
plate that you just cleared.

- Your plate is still beside you.
- Oh.

Still doesn't bother me.

Oh...

What are you doing back here?

I noticed that yellow skirt you're
wearing in a catalogue recently.

Buying clothes from a catalogue?

That's kind of a weird thing to do.

Why is that weird?
I order from a catalogue

because I don't like to try on
clothes other people have touched,

which is perfectly normal,
because I'm normal.

And where are these catalogues now?

I put them in the recycling bin.

And I suppose you think
that makes you a good person.

Not particularly.

Well, it should.
Recycling is important.

Looks like another dead end.

- We're going to need more yarn.
- That does nothing!

Thank god for that allergy stuff.
I feel like 100%.

Time for a pocket donut.

Maybe you should eat something
healthier than a donut,

like an apple fritter.

I'm just happy to have
my appetite back.

I feel like I could...

Oh.

- Mm.
- Don't wipe that off with your fingers.

Well, that's way worse.

Wanda?

Wanda!

Wanda!

Hey, what gives? All the chores
I gave you are half finished.

I have to keep helping people
with the scanner.

Not to mention a certain boss

keeps hassling me
to throw things at him.

- I thought you liked that.
- Nothing's fun if you have to do it.

Well, get those things done,
after you stack the motor oil,

and keep those
foreign objects coming.

But don't throw any oil cans.

They could do some real damage.

Course not.
Wouldn't dream of it.

Hey, that's cheating!

No one said anything
about using tools.

Why don't you just admit
you can't live without sanitizer?

You're a gel junkie.

I'm not a junkie.
I just... I'm not like you.

I don't come from a long line
of strong prairie women!

- You think I'm strong?
- Are you kidding?

You're tough and durable,
like an old catcher's mitt.

Rugged and leathery, and this
isn't coming out right at all.

My point is, I'm squeamish.

Fine.
Use the stick.

Ugh!
That was cheating,

and disgusting and erotic.

Not erotic.
I didn't say "erotic."

Why do I keep doing that?

Good Gordon!
You treat the world

like it's your own
personal petri dish.

You're the one who said
I should eat better.

What do you want?
And who is this?

It's Lacey.
I'm calling on behalf of Emma.

She wants you to
come back to The Ruby.

She, uh...
She misses you.

Misses me?
That doesn't sound right.

- Hey, Emma.
- Hand your phone to Oscar.

Yech!

Hello?

Stick with Hank.
This isn't over yet.

- Don't come back here.
- Now, that sounds more like Emma.

I really feel like
we should warn Brent.

If you care about Brent,
you'll keep quiet

- so we can use him as bait.
- Fill 'er up?

What happened to your head?

Oh, my god,
that psycho k*ller got to you!

- You're lucky to be alive.
- I know I am.

Furthermore, what
the hell are you talking about?

Way to keep a lid on it.

We found a mannequin in the woods
that looks like it's been tortured,

and the head of the mannequin
has your face on it.

Oh.
Well, that's...

just a little horribly unnerving.

Have you noticed anyone
acting aggressively towards you?

Not really.

Except Wanda,
but I told her to do that.

- Lacey?
- What?

You want me to lick ketchup
off some dirty plates?

Maybe stick my face in Lanny's chili?

Do you have any pudding mix?

Oscar put some
in my coffee once,

and now I've developed
a taste for it.

Ah, sure,
pudding mix in coffee is fine,

but I make a latte once,
and everyone freaks.

Oh...

Your stupid motor oil is stacked.

- What's your deal?
- The cops just told me

some crazy person wants to k*ll me.

You don't have to be crazy
to want that.

I'm serious.
I'm a little freaked out.

I'm going to need you
to pump gas

- and finish up the chores.
- What?

I can't go outside. I'm sticking
around the till where it's safe.

Oh, you'll also have
to help people with the scanner.

Come on!
Look, if someone wants you dead,

it doesn't matter
where you're standing.

It's not like your reflexes
will save you. Ha!

Ah!

Holy crap! I think fear
has ramped up your reflexes.

You're...
you're like a ninja!

A trembling, spineless ninja!
Hah!

Ho!
Hey-oh!

Wanda!

Now that Brent's been
tipped off, we have to lock

this case up pronto before
he spooks our psychopath.

I bet there's something
with this sleeping bag.

If there's even the slightest clue,

no matter how microscopic,
we'll find it.

You mean like this one?

I don't see any hairs or fibres,
but sure, that might be a lead.

Davis...
Hank is our psycho.

Ew.

First you want me to eat fruit,

and now you're
buying me whiskies?

Whenever I got
the slightest sniffle,

my dad would always
pull out the whiskey

- and give me a sh*t.
- I'm not sick.

This is for me.
I'm feeling a tickle in my throat...

...can't imagine
where that came from.

Hey! That's my glass.

I'm sorry.
My bad.

I think it's time we call it a day.

Wait a minute.
You're not twitchy or paranoid.

What's going on?

Maybe I've just
gotten used to working

in a contaminated environment.

The fact that you used the word
"contaminated" makes me think not.

Think what you want.
I'm just fine.

Die, germs, die!

Well, how was
your day with Hank?

It was like someone
took the sneeze guard

- off an "all you can barf" buffet.
- And yet you look fine.

See, Lacey?
Oscar was with Hank all day,

and he's fit as a fiddle,

and you handled
contaminated stuff all day,

- and you're completely fine.
- Ha! I'm fine because

I've been secretly
using hand sanitizer

- from this bottle I found.
- Well, double ha!

I planted that bottle,
and it's just hand lotion.

You mean...

Your hands have been
germy this whole time...

- but incredibly soft.
- I hate to say I told you so, Lacey, but...

- you're a loser.
- If it's one thing

this leathery old
catcher's mitt knows,

it's that a few germs won't...

Great...
let me guess how this ends.

- Freeze, sicko!
- I'm not sick, I'm drunk.

Well, you'll spend
an eternity drunk

and in hell for what
you were planning to do.

- What are you guys talking about?
- We found evidence

that ties you to a tortured
mannequin we found in the woods.

Someone tortured a mannequin?
That's terrible!

They're so big, and friendly,
and cuddly looking.

- Cuddly looking?
- Why was it in the woods?

Don't they live in the ocean?

I think you're thinking "manatee."

A mannequin is something
you put clothes on

- and display in a shop window.
- Oh, you mean a store dummy.

Yeah, I had one of those last winter.

I was frustrated
that I couldn't score on Brent,

so I duct-taped one to a
homemade net and sh*t pucks at it.

Huh... that doesn't
explain the sleeping bag

and the catalogues.

I taped catalogues to its legs
for goalie pads,

and belted a sleeping bag
around its waist

to mimic Brent's girth.

So that's why
you could score on me.

Yeah.
It's called practice.

- Maybe you should try it.
- Oh, I have.

Hey, what do you mean, "girth"?

Wanda, help me out here.

- What's this?
- A demand for a raise,

since I'm not only a clerk,

- but also an IT person.
- Hmm. Well, I have a better idea.

Problem solved.

Here. It's an early
Christmas present.

- A wrist brace?
- It's for
your carpal tunnel syndrome.

Just as effective,
and way cheaper.

Ow! You don't
have to do that anymore!

I know.
Feels great.

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ It's a great big place ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪