02x04 - Hedge Your Debts

[bunniefuu]

Oh, that was a heck of a windstorm.

You guys must have
been up all night

- responding to emergency calls.
- Emergency calls?

Oh, yeah.
Barely slept a wink.

[snoring]
[wind howling]

[noise machine
playing wind sounds]

Yup.
Fought the storm all night.

Whoa!
These effects are great!

I felt that!

Glad we have Dog River's finest
looking out for us.

Coffee's on me.

- Alriiiiiight!
- Hey, that's my thing.

What, no one else can use
the word "alright"?

Also, how come you have
a catchphrase and I don't?

You can't chase a catchphrase.
It's not a tornado.

The catchphrase comes to you.

Like a tornado.
Do you two want breakfast?

Sounds grrrrrreat!

Okay, you look up
trademark laws,

- and I'll get you some menus.
- No rush.

The power is still out
at the station,

so we'll be working from
here all day, if that's cool?

So cool! I've always wanted to be
part of dirty gritty police world.

So, when do we start work?

[thud]
We are working.

Not the dirty I was hoping to see.

Dy-no-miiiiite!

- Nope.
- Nope.

♪ You think there's
not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

2x04 - Hedge Your Debts

572 plus 56...

Nine down, see
twenty-one across...

Hey, stop number heckling.

I don't come down
to where you work, and...

- where do you work?
- Look at this!

Driverless tractors?
What's next?

Electric lawnmowers?

Can you clam up? You're
going to make me lose my spot.

- Your what?
- Gah. Lost my spot.

Oh... you put
the "A.D.D." in "addition."

You need to learn how to
focus on a task like I do.

I've been studying the
Four-Hour Work Week.

Four hours a week?
That would double your workload.

And anyway, a crossword
isn't a task,

that's a thing you enjoy.

Anyone can focus
on something they love.

You ever see me
focus on a hot dog?

Yeah, for three seconds. Then
it's a blur of ketchup and crumbs.

I, however, have trained my
mind to ignore distractions

and lock onto any task
with laser focus.

Great. Then you do the books.

I would have seen that coming, but
I was laser-focused on my crossword.

IOU?
What the hell is this about?

Well, Dad, sometimes people
can't pay for things right away,

so they...
being the "I"...

"O," i.e. owe...
me... aka "U."

This couldn't be more clear,
eh, Wanda?

Laser focus!

That wind storm really
did a number on my garden.

Even Mother Nature

deserves to get her
party on once in a while.

After last night, Mother Nature
needs an intervention.

So, what's the cost to get that
tree cleared and the shrub trimmed?

Nothing, just let me
keep the firewood.

Makes sense. You can use it
to burn the left-over leaves.

Oh, no, no, I need the leaves
for my swamp monster costume.

I knew it wouldn't
make sense for long.

All right, uh...

I'll go get my chainsaw,
hedge clippers,

- and glitter glue.
- Even less sense.

Won, Helen, Nate?

Is there anyone in town
that doesn't owe you money?

- Wanda.
- Concentrating.

I just take whatever she
owes me out of her pay cheque.

- Huh? What? You do what now?
- Laser...

That's a stupid way
to run a business.

Wait till the
government finds out.

- It's tax evasion!
- No. Is it?

Don't worry.
She'll make this go away.

Wanda, cook the books.

Why do you want it to go
away? They owe you money.

Oh, right.

It just sounded like something
a cool mobster would say.

Yeah.
You're a real Al Capone.

If Al Capone
was a children's clown.

What do I admire?

What is the thing which gives me joy?

- Tiny cars?
- A squirting flower?

Good quality make-up wipes?

The sound of children's laughter!

[squeaking]

You guys hear squeaking?
What's going on back there?

Squeak-a, squeak-a, squeak-a.

- Squeak-a, squeak-a, squeak-a.
- I think we broke Wanda.

- Hey, focus queen. [snaps]
- What? I was focused.

On the numbers. Eighty-five,
carry the squeak-a.

Squeak-a squeak-a seven.

Hank, I brought you some...

[gasping]

Oh, my god, what have you done?

Don't get mad.
I'm not done yet.

I'm not mad.
I'm impressed!

Oh. Then I'm done.

It's like an
elephant is emerging

- from the wilds of the jungle.
- Really? Huh.

It just kinda happened.

That's how all true art occurs.

It exposes itself to us
so we can expose ourselves to the art.

Of course. Of course.

I had no idea you were
a topiary horticulturalist.

[chuckles]
Of course. Of course.

Wait, was that a
compliment or insult?

Cool elephant.
You do that, Hank?

Uh, yup. And all I had to do
was expose myself in the shrub.

[whistling]

Do you think Hank could
turn my hedge into a cat?

I can set something up for you.

Great, thanks.

[putting down coins]

Uh. Little old for a lemonade
stand, aren't you?

It's good, though.

Wow. The energy in this
booth is like Dragnet,

Hill Street Blues, and
Barney Miller rolled into one.

Can I be Fish?

Have either of you
watched TV this decade?

Anything I can do?

I already took the
liberty of making a jail.

Good work. No one'll ever
escape that velvet Alcatraz.

Seriously, if you need any help,
like fresh eyes on a cold case?

Cold eyes on a fresh case?

We're kinda busy right now.

Hockey equipment on Amazon?

Ooh, busting an online shopping scam?

Yeah, the crime is how prices
sky-rocket in the winter.

"Six easy steps to creating
the perfect catchphrase"?

You know what? Since we're
stuck here in the office,

why don't you be our eyes
and ears on the street?

Cool!
Like a police informant?

Exactly.
Eyes and ears.

But not lips.
Lips closed.

Gotcha.
Zip the lips.

[groaning]

"Zip the lips"!
Damn.

That is a great catchphrase.

Can I borrow your
Sadie Spy Kit?

I'm going undercover for the cops.

Don't tell anyone, though.
It's top secret.

Undercover?
What would you even...

[music]

The john is hooked. Arrest
when the trick's in progress.

- Hey, Lacey. Nice coat.
- Uhh! Abort! Not a trick!

This trick will never be in progress!

Wanda does not want to see this!

Ooh, mama!
I do not want to see that!

Okay, weird. Then I'll
just buy these sunglasses.

No, you won't.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah. I'm just super focused.

What kind of jackass lets
people take things from a store

and pay for them later?

You're right. I'll call Visa and
tell them they're being silly.

You need to grow a spleen
and collect those debts.

I don't want to force my
friends to pay if they can't.

And it's not much.

Two bucks here, five bucks
there, what's the big deal?

Two chili dogs here,
five burgers there.

- Now what do you weigh?
- Hmm.

When you put it that cruelly,
maybe I will take a look.

I asked for a cat, right?

'Cause I'm not seeing
the cat part of the cat.

I believe this is
an abstract interpretation

of the fluidity of the feline form.

Uh. Wasn't that supposed
to be an ear?

Perhaps... the cat's not listening
because the artist is

- listening to the cat.
- Ah. Now I see it.

What's an artist gotta do to
get a glass of water around here?

So sorry, Hank!
Sparkling or tap?

- Half and half.
- You want watered-down water?

Emma, could you please not have
people speak directly to me?

Nice.

Okay, let's see what secrets
this town holds.

Last night, I caught Rheena
cheating at bridge.

[Lacey] Hmm...

I scammed Davis out of giving me a
ticket using the "C'mon" argument.

[gasping]

♪ Camptown r*cist
Five times wrong ♪

- ♪ All the live-long day! ♪
- [Lacey] Oh!

None of these things are crimes.

This last one
is just a mixed-up song.

But we do need to discuss
your susceptibility

- to the "C'mon" argument.
- Not now.

Lacey, you're a loose cannon.
You're off the b*at.

- C'mon!
- Okay, you're in.

- C'mon!
- Right. Sorry, Lacey, you're done.

- C'mon!
- She makes a good point.

- Ugh!
- Yes! I'll find a crime if it kills me.

Which would be a crime.

But I'd be dead and couldn't
investigate it.

Wow, your jobs are hard.

And that's why my
catchphrase is... job hard!

Yecch, that's the
worst one yet.

Jeez, that is
a whack of cabbage.

That's enough cabbage
to hire someone

to whack your cabbage for you!

I hope I don't know
what that means.

But this isn't personal money,
it belongs to Corner Gas.

And don't forget who sold you
this cash camel in the first place!

Yeah, well, anyway,
I should get moving.

These debts won't collect
themselves, will they?

Will they?
'Cause I usually nap around...

You're too soft.

What you need
is some muscle for backup.

You're right.
I should call Mom.

Aw, hmph!

[music]

Okay, get in and out
nice and quick.

Eye contact, jab him with the
bill, don't let him fight back.

Relax. It's Phil.
It's not Mike Tyson.

Now, stay here. I don't
want you making it weird.

Well, that got weird.

You can't even get
what's owed to you

- without screwing it up.
- Phil had a good point.

He owes me 20, but he's also
given me a lot of free perks.

Chairs.
Coasters.

Geo-political tête-à-têtes.

All things you're supposed to
get when you drink at a bar!

- Damn, he's good.
- Yeah. He's like Mike Tyson,

except he talked your ear off.

Wanda, do you have
any gardening gloves?

I'm focusing here!
Stay outta my head!

These'll do. We have to protect
those talented hands of yours.

[Hank] I had no idea being
an artist was so much work.

I thought it was just
fancy cigarettes and berets.

Paint me like one of your
exotic foreign fillies.

- Wanda, how much are these gloves?
- [slap] Sicko!

- What'd I do?
- There you are, Hank.

When do you think you can
get at my boxwood?

- [slap] Pervert!
- Pervert? Who's a pervert?

You're the one walking the streets.

- What?
- How come she doesn't get slapped?

- We're taking these gloves.
- Fine! Everyone, go!

Leave me alone!
You're all fogging my brain laser.

Now that they're gone,
about this pervert...

Lasering!

Hey, Won. I need to collect
that 50 bucks you owe me.

Ohh, jeez, that's bad timing.

We're a little strapped
for cash right now.

- Hey, Dad, our new iPads arrived.
- Finally!

Those ones were covered
in fingerprints.

Anyway, as I was saying,
cash flow, you know?

Oh, I hear ya.
Catch you next time.

What kind of hinky nickel
switcheroo are you trying to...

Oh, so that's how it's gonna be.

Close enough.
[chuckling]

Ooh!

Is it going to be a duck?
I really want it to be a duck.

Whereas some artists
choose a subject,

Hank removes pieces until the
essence of the subject appears.

Ahhhh!

Emma, tell Hank he's been
commissioned to do a topiary

representing the town of Dog River.

- Deal!
- Oh. Great.

Uh, I believe there's a bead
of sweat on my brow?

Not that I'm ever unhappy
to see a wheel of cheese,

but why do you have
a wheel of cheese?

Won owed you 50 bucks.
This is worth 45.

- Consider that debt paid.
- Oh, good idea.

I could barter for goods
instead of asking for the cash.

Far less awkward.
Smart thinking, Dad.

Damn straight.

I've been doing business
since you were still...

We gonna cr*ck that
thing or what?

I can't believe my parents
think I stole a wheel of cheese.

Like one person could eat
an entire wheel of cheese.

Must be a shoplifting
syndicate or something.

sh**t! Lost my eBay bid
on those hockey gloves.

You think that's bad?

This online catchphrase
creator is the worst.

[computer] Well, that's
a kick in the kitten!

[click]
Tell that to my 'stache!

[click]
Kiss my dusty backdraft!

Don't hate that last one.

Word on the street is there's a
cheese thief targeting Foo Mart.

Cheese thief. Pfft.

Are they in cahoots
with the cr*cker cartel?

Actually, that sounds serious.

We'll stay here,
and you go check it out.

Oh, yeah...
Go. Take your time.

Get all the information you can.

Copy that loud and clear, m'dear.

"Loud and clear, m'dear."
She's a catchphrase machine.

Wow, Hank's finished already?

Your best work yet!
The dog is literally in the river,

drowning in the expanse
of his own existence.

- I haven't started yet.
- Why was it covered with the tarp?

So I could remember which
shrubbery was supposed to work on?

- I don't know what I'm doing.
- No, you don't.

And I've been fooling myself
into thinking you did.

The elephant was an accident,
but you saw the beauty in it.

You're the real artist, Emma.

- I don't know if I'm ready for this.
- Don't worry, it's great.

I mean, you get slapped a lot...
but hey, free water!

[knocking]

Hey, Mavis, I'm here to collect
the $20 you owe me for gas.

You can pay cash, or...

What the hell are you going
to do with a fondue pot?

Fondue something?
Till then, cheese me, Daddy.

[music]

My IOU list is now
IOU-seless.

You're not out of the
woods yet, buddy boy.

I know, I still have
to pick a toenail polish.

No, I mean what are you going to
do with all that junk you have now?

I'll think of something.

You're just out of sorts because we ate

- a whole wheel of cheese.
- I had one slice!

You're right, we should
be ashamed of ourselves.

So the cheese was just
payment for Brent's IOU?

- That's disappointing.
- Says you.

We owed him 50,
and the cheese was 45.

Five bucks is a lot
when you're a small business

- trying to eke out a living.
- [beeping] Oop.

My smart watch says
my Fitbit is done charging.

Time to hit the treadmill.
[whirring]

Is that a hover board?

Oh. It's so much more peaceful in
here without Lacey bugging us.

[Karen] Yeah, we'll have to find
another goose for her to chase.

[both laughing]

So not only was
the cheese stolen,

but Won said there's
a massive theft ring in town,

and everyone's being extorted
for protection money!

Sounds like the mafia to me.

[chuckling]

I think we'd know if there
was mafia in Dog River.

Yeah?
Why is the police station

the only building still without power?

...Mafia.

Hey, what the hell?
I'm crunching numbers here,

and you're playing
"Baby's First Flea Market"?

Flea Market?
That's not a bad idea.

If I sell all the stuff
I bartered for,

- I'll be rolling in dough.
- Uh-oh.

[music]

Would you stop eating the boat?

Wait. Did you say "rowing in dough"
or "rolling in dough"?

- That's the last box from the car.
- Thanks.

Now, help me take it back outside.

I'm having a yard sale.

No way!
I've been helping you all day.

I deserve compensation.

You already got a pedicure
and a slice of cheese.

Grab a box, and
don't scuff your nail polish.

Fine. I'll take my own payment.
[chuckles]

I'm telling you, this crime ring
is bigger than you can imagine.

If the mafia was in Dog River,

we'd see more crime than
a missing cheese wheel.

Yeah. Like extortion
or fencing of stolen items.

[Oscar] Hey, Josh,
wanna buy a blender?

- Hundred bucks!
- A hundred? That's extortion.

- Why are you selling a blender?
- It's my cut of the take.

Brent thinks he can screw me
out of the loot?

He may be the big boss,
but he's not the boss of me!

- That looks a lot like loot!
- Lacey was right.

Brent's heading up a stolen
merch fencing operation.

You mean Brent's clean-cut,
baby-face thing

has been a facade all along?
My stars.

Time to formulate a cop plan.

And then we...
Book 'em, Davis!

Nope, hate that one already.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Hank has created

his most ambitious piece
of living art to date.

Behold the Dog River
Dog in River!

As you can see, the artist has
clearly entered his literal phase.

I think I can speak for myself.

You see, uh, it's a dog.
In a river.

'Cause...
Dog River.

Such a pedestrian interpretation.

Where's the subtlety?
The subtext?

If I can see the art,
where's the art, right, Emma?

Uh... I have something to say.

Oh, thank God.
Tell 'em, Emma.

They're right.
This is terrible.

You really crapped the bed, Hank.

[grumbling]

Crapped the bed?
This wasn't even me!

- Now he's in his self-doubt phase.
- So sad.

Hey, Brent, get this!
It's so funny.

I told Karen and Davis
that there is a mafia in town,

and they think that...

Hey.
What's all that stuff?

- Freeze!
- [Lacey] Uh-oh.

What's going on,
friends I've known for years

who are now pointing g*ns at me?

We know about your
underground theft ring.

We got a tip from a secret
informant. Thanks, Lacey.

I was just messing with you guys

because you sent me on
a wild goose chase.

- So Brent's not a mafia kingpin?
- Kingpin?

I'm a simple flea market
manager, right, Wanda?

Hoo hoo hoo hoo!

[laughing]

Okay, that's the kingpin
and the goose chase,

where's the flea part?

Damn, she's locked in.
Look, I didn't steal anything.

I got the idea
to barter for this stuff

when Won gave my dad
a cheese wheel.

Please don't ask for the evidence.

- Everything my son says is true.
- My bad.

Except that I didn't
barter for the cheese.

- I took it.
- So you stole the cheese?

Your bad. Let's talk
about this downtown.

And by "downtown,"
I mean The Ruby.

Ooh! How much
for the hockey gloves?

Twenty bucks?

- Can I owe you?
- Sure, just write me an IOU.

- Alriiight!
- Look out, king headpin!

Your goose is being stolen
by a giant talking flea!

What the hell kind of jail is this?

I demand to talk to my lawyer!

- Clap your trap, convict.
- Is that your new catchphrase?

Nah, I'm done with that.
When in doubt, over and out.

Ooh, can I have that one?

Aah!

[Hank] Pretty awesome swamp
monster, huh? [chuckling]

None of you people
understand art!

You're still
working on those books?

So much for laser focus.

Neeeeyoooow...
neeyooow...

Are you slicing me in half
with laser eyes?

Yup. And here
comes the steamroller.

Rum-rum-rum-rum-rum.
Pfft.

- Ew.
- Just finish up the books.

- I need to know where I stand.
- Fine.

Why is the first entry
in accounts payable

an IOU to Oscar
for the sale of Corner Gas?

When you bought this place,

- did you forget to pay him?
- No.

He forgot to collect.

[music]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ It's a great big place ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪