03x03 - Pact Rat

[bunniefuu]

Bleach, rubber gloves.

Either you're
disposing of a body,

- or it's time for some Spring...
- Fever! Yes.

I have a touch of Spring Fever.

Spring Fever?
Well, well, well.

Well, thank you,
Mother Nature

- for giving us the natural urge to...
- La-la-la-la la-la-la!

Oh, grow up and accept the
fact that your mother and I...

La-la-la-la la-la-la-la!

I'm gonna go home and sprinkle
on some cologne. [giggling]

Maybe stretch a little.

I shall see you soon, my sweet.

[door closes]

Way to go.

Now he thinks
we're getting nasty

instead of just
cleaning the garage.

La-la-la-la la-la-la-la!

I said we're not getting...

- Oh, forget it.
- Wait, did you say nasty?

♪ You think there's not a lot
going on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

[radio playing]
[humming]

Mm...

I got a lot going on here.

I should probably focus on the...

Ooh, I love this song!

[turns up radio]

[yelps] Ah!

Oh, boy.

Why are we looking at the
town website for Wullerton?

[all spitting]

Because they proudly claim
to be rat free.

Why can't we be rat free?

Probably because of all our rats.

I'm appointing you both
to be part of a special unit

to rid Dog River
of our rat problem.

Why us?
I mean, awesome, but why us?

I chose Wanda to be
the brains of the operation,

and you for your willingness
to deal with the filth.

Makes sense.

Why would anyone agree to be
on your stupid rat patrol?

You get these dope t-shirts.

- There we go!
- Sweet!

[music]
[siren wails]

Are we wearing
the wrong shirts?

I can't see anything
in these glasses.

Hey, snazzy tees.
Did you two join a club?

A t-shirt club? [chuckles]
Are there t-shirt clubs?

Can I join your club?

We're SRU.
Special Rodent Unit.

- We're here to trap your rats.
- What!

- [whispers] Keep your voice down.
- Ooh, I get it.

You're worried the rats
might be listening.

Blink twice
if they're in the kitchen.

She wants us to keep it down
because this is a restaurant,

and customers don't want
to hear about rats

while they're eating!

[gulps]

...because they're
disease-spreading vermin!

- The customers?
- No, the rats.

- Well, Ike has a fungus on his...
- Please, shut up!

Emma... it's time for some
frisky business. [giggles]

Oh... Oh, you wanna
do a little role play.

All right, I'll be the janitor,

and you're the French teacher.

Bonjour, mon frére.
Oú est la biblio-bed?

I hate to disappoint you,
but there's no sex.

We're doing spring cleaning.

Cleaning?
You tricked me!

It's not that difficult.

After you're done
raking the lawn,

you need to fertilize it.

There's still fertilizer in here...
[grunting] ...somewhere.

What's all this junk?!

Isn't it Brent's job
to clean this?

Why would he clean our shed?
He doesn't live here anymore.

I dunno, but he always
insists on doing it.

Guess it's your job now.

That lazy S-O-B
weasels out of chores

none of us even knew
he was doing!

I'm going to call him and
give him a piece of my mind.

But you...
Is that my robe?

I was just driving along,
hands at 10:00 and 2:00,

and they launched
onto the road.

- Launched?
- Goats are insanely fast in a pack.

Okay.
I'll call a tow truck,

- then we'll go talk to Lanny.
- Why Lanny?

Because he lives
across the road.

They're probably his goats.

Not necessarily.
They could be anybody's goats.

[bleating] Laa-aa-nny!

[sighs]

Hey, Phil.
A little birdie told me

- you have rats in the Hotel Bar.
- I had rats.

Then I ran a promotion
to get rid of them.

Hank should know that,

since we actually b*at the
rats off him at one point.

[rats squeaking,
Hank screaming]

Ah! Rats!
Rats!

[grunting in pain]

Right...
I forgot about that.

How does someone forget being
beaten and covered in rats?

I dunno, I took
a lot of head sh*ts.

Okay, stop harassing my customers.

It's Dog River that's
being harassed, by rats.

We need to find 'em
and trap 'em.

- ...and destroy 'em.
- What?

We didn't sign up
to k*ll anything.

You have to k*ll them.

Otherwise they'll breed
like, well... like rats.

Trust me, I've seen how
they multiply in the city.

They've got to be annihilated.

Eradicated.
Exterminated.

- Eviscerated.
- We get it. You went to college.

- I've lost my appetite.
- [groans] You see?

All this rat chatter
is putting off my customers.

You sure it's not
your big city bloodlust?

Out.

Someone must've let them out.

Oh, I don't know.
Goats are pretty smart.

I saw one on TV
that could do math.

My goat pen
has a perimeter sensor,

which is linked
to a cool app on my phone.

Bleat b*at.
[bleats]

Someone must've deliberately
opened the gate.

Another unsolvable mystery.
Let's go.

We need to get
to the bottom of this.

- Fitzy's gonna be furious.
- Why does Fitzy have to know?

He has to greenlight
the cruiser repairs.

It's gonna be expensive.

Nothing a little
spit 'n' polish can't fix.

The hood won't close,
the doors won't open,

and there are clumps
of grass in the siren.

So, spit 'n' polish
'n' de-clumping.

What the hell are you doing?

I-I was down here
looking for, uh...

- shed cleaner.
- Shed cleaner? That doesn't exist.

Anyway, we're out so I'm going
to Corner Gas to pick some up,

and, uh, talk
to our lazy son

about shirking his shed duties.

Hey!
Is that my coffee mug?

You seen Wanda?
Her shift starts soon.

like in... 20 minutes ago.

Fitzy assigned her
to the Special Rodents Unit,

to get rid of the...

[whispering]
rats in Dog River.

[chuckles]
Good luck with that.

Dog River's a farming town.
Grain, sheds, barns.

There will always be rats.

Well, not in The Ruby!
There will never be rats in here.

Don't count on it.

Rats are inevitable.
These are old buildings.

I could probably chew
through that wall.

Are you saying what
I think you're saying?

That I'm a powerful chewer?

Or that we might have rats?
I've never seen any,

but there's probably
some in Corner Gas.

[scoffs] Are you serious?
That's gross.

It's not that gross.

Not like Ike's fungus.
Yeesh.

So you swerved
to avoid speedboats?

Speed goats.

Davis says the herd
was very fast.

Like lightning.
That temporarily blinded me.

There's no money for repairs.

I blew the budget
on the SRU unit.

You mean those t-shirts?


bamboo cotton t-shirts.

- So what do we do now?
- Find out who let the goats out.

[distant owl hoots reply lyrics
to "Baha Men" song]

Just give someone a fine

so we can absorb
the repair costs.

We're not sure a crime
was even committed.

How the goats got out
is still a mystery.

That will probably
never be solved.

Well, there has to be
a fine for something.

Negligence?
Mischief?

Vandalism?
Bestiality?

Find something
to pay for those repairs.

Ignore bestiality.

I'm pretty sure
that's something else.

- Check it out, rat droppings.
- That's dog poop.

Or these are
some big-ass rats.

[cell phone rings]

SRU.

On it.
We just got a lead.

Whole town's talking about
your lax "rat" -itude.

Yeah. We got a hot tip
that you're soft on rodents.

I was just saying
no place in Dog River

- can be 100% rat free.
- Yeah?

- What percentage is Corner Gas?
- I don't know. Maybe 94?

So 4% of Dog River's rat
problem is right here.

Try 6%,
and that's not even accurate.

You're twisting my words.

We're the SRU.
We twist whatever we want.

Ow! Hey!

Aren't you supposed to be
working right now?

- For me?
- In this rat factory?

All of my shifts
are suspended with pay,

pending further investigation.

- Come on, Yarbo.
- Don't leave town.

I had no plans to leave town,

but now that's all
I can think about!

Well, that
and my throbbing nurple.

So you haven't
caught one rat yet?

I gave you a pretty good lead.

- Right next door.
- Look, it's obvious

that Brent is harboring rats
in Corner Gas, but...

- Brent has rats?
- 4 to 6% of the town's population.

- 46%? Good god!
- Hmm, Corner Gas is small potatoes.

We need to find the rat source.

- The motherlode.
- ...and then destroy it.

What dark hell
did you grow up in?

Who would try to steal goats?

Probably a shepherd.
A bad one,

since he couldn't get
the goats to move.

Too bad we don't know
any bad shepherds.

Oh, well, case closed.

[gasps] I know who we
should talk to.

[grunts]

Bestiality?
I would never...

Forget that.
I used to wrong word.

- I mean, negligence.
- Why are we grilling Zeke?

Because he's a thief.

Remember when he stole
bees from you

- when you were a beekeeper?
- I have an alibi!

I took Ike to the clinic
in the city.

Ooh, he's got a nasty fungus.

So, what should we do now?
Go grill Ike's fungus?

[chuckles]

Are we actually doing this?

I'm finished with the garage.

How are things going here?

[groans] If you want
something done right,

you do it yourself,
and then t*rture the ones

who were supposed to do it.

[clatter]

[yelps]

You ratted me out to the SRU.

Please don't say "ratted."

I'm really mad at you,
but I'm also hungry,

so I will begrudgingly
order lunch,

but I won't enjoy it.

I mean, I probably will,
but I'll be mad,

which is my original point.

I was just trying
to protect the town that I love,

and when you think about it,

- you're part of this town, too.
- So... you love me?

[groans]
I was protecting you.

You're making a bigger deal
out of this than it is.

Right, because if there's one
thing we know about this town,

it's that small things never
blow up into big things.

- Hey, Brent, how you feeling?
- Fine. Why?

I heard you got rabies,
from the rats, in Corner Gas.

Whoa.
Brent looks awfully angry.

Probably from the rabies,

from the rats, in Corner Gas.

I hope we don't have
to "Old Yeller" him.

What does
"Old Yeller him" mean?

I never saw the movie.
Does he live a long life

and die peacefully in his sleep
at a ripe old age?

The SRU is searching
for the rat's nest.

I just saw it
on their Facebook page!

What if something
goes horribly wrong?

- Anyone ever see "Aliens"?
- I haven't.

- You've never seen Aliens?
- Good god!

- Get with the times!
- You deserve rabies.

We need to protect ourselves.

Who sells rat traps in town?

[muttering]

Don't forget
canned food, people.

It's not just for floods
and hurricanes anymore.

There aren't any more
rat traps on the shelf.

Then we're sold out.
We have fly paper.

That could be sticky enough
to slow 'em down.

[muttering]

Wait a minute, aren't there
rats right here in Corner Gas?

They're frightened

by the sound
of the cash register ringing.

Keep those purchases coming!

[crowd clamoring]

Brent, if your mom asks,

I came in here looking
for shed cleaner.

Except there's no such thing.

[chuckles] Yeah, but
she doesn't know that!

[giggling]

- Why are we at Helen's house?
- I've got an idea.

You want to find rats,
you go to the food source.

Hi, Helen.
Dog River SRU.

- "As I" what?
- We're huntin' rats.

And rumor has it
that you make cheese.

No, I don't make cheese.

I bought too much cheese
at Costco one time,

now everyone thinks I make it.

Oh. Um...

Do you know anyone
that makes cheese?

No.
Anything else?

Can I borrow your Costco card?

Woof, that was
a nasty fungus.

This case is getting ugly.

Time to shut it down
and forget all about it.

The question remains,
why take goats?

Maybe to mow a lawn,
eat tin cans, do yoga,

- make feta cheese?
- Feta cheese...

I don't make cheese!

I bought too much,
and I sold it all!

Davis, you bought some.

Selling cheese without a licence.

There's a hefty fine for that.

- Emma! What are you doing?
- I started without you

and separated everything
into two piles...

stuff I'm throwing out,

and stuff I'm going to burn.

I was planning on
straightening these,

and that barbeque
just needs a new wheel,

grill, handle, and lid.

You can't throw this stuff out!

Then you'd better get in there.

[Oscar grumbling]

- Did you get the shed cleaner?
- They were out!

I'm not paying any fine.

That's why you're behind bars...

until you pay for our car...
I mean, the fine.

This could go
on your permanent record.

Helen the felon...

that's what everyone
will be calling you.

Helen... The... Felon.

Helen's innocent!

I was driving distracted
and crashed.

I put Lanny's goats on the road

so I had something to blame.
They're literal scapegoats.

[gasps] You cruiser-crashing
goat planter!

- We have to tell Fitzy.
- No, you can't!

We made a pact,
to have each other's backs.

We called it a back pact.
Remember?

[music]

[together] Loyalty or Hell!

Yeah, I don't remember it
being that dramatic.

So it's agreed.

We'll always have
each other's backs.

We can call it a back pact.

[chuckling]

Ow!
I burnt my tongue.

It was kinda dramatic.

[rat squeaks]

[dramatic Law & Order style
music motif]

Jumpin' Jack Palance!
It's a rat!

We've finally got a rat to trap!

No, we've finally got
a rat to follow,

and this rat will lead us to...

- the motherlode.
- The motherlode.

There is no way of saying that,

that does not sound cool.

- Why are you taking pictures?
- For the Facebook page.

Oh, looks like he's
getting ready to leave.

How do you know when a rat
is getting ready to leave?

Is he grabbing his coat and keys?

Damn, changed his mind.

He might need some coaxing.
I have an idea.

Well, if it isn't a filthy rat,

just hangin' out,
doing filthy rat stuff.

You make me sick,
literally,

with your germs
and your whatnot.

- What are you doing?
- I'm playing bad cop.

You be good cop.
Go!

Do as he says, kid.

I can't reason with him
when he's like this.

Get outta here!
Go back to your friends.

Wait, I'm playing
good cop to a rodent?

- It's working!
- It is? Great!

Now all we have to do
is follow him

back to the mother...

[meowing]

- ...lode.
- Actually when it's broken up like that,

it doesn't sound so cool.

What's this for?

I'm going to attach netting to it

and use it when I catch fish.

The fish you catch with
this half a fishing rod?

- The racket goes.
- It stays.

Okay, then
the fishing rod goes.

It stays with the fishing racket.

Okay, then
this toilet seat goes.

Oh yeah, that's an ass pincher.

That's right, Mr. Mayor.

They were a species
of... wild goat.

Peruvian. They're drawn
to grid roads, and...

the smell of cops.
So there's no one to blame.

It's an "act of goat"
if you will.

Anyway, gotta go,
my, um... stapler's on fire.

[exhales]
I think that went well.

Remind me to never
let you go undercover.

[crowd muttering]

[Brent] Rat- and gluten-free
ice cream is on sale.

Also, try some of our non-rat,
anti-fat, zero cavity gum.

Four out of five exterminators
recommend it.

Do you have
rat repellent spray?

I've got this mold
and mildew spray

that rats would probably hate.

It's also great
for cleaning your shed.

Huh.
Shed cleaner.

Now, who was looking for...

[gasps]

Mom and dad
are cleaning out the shed!

Zero rats.
Zero.

You two are a disgrace
to your shirts.

It's not as easy as you think.

- What do we know about rats?
- They live in the sewers

and they train turtles
to fight crime.

That's in cartoons.
This is real life.

Rats like dark, damp places...

- And chef's hats.
- ...and cheese.

That's a common misconception.

Rats actually love hard candy.

In cartoons, they like cheese.

And I'm telling you,
they love hard candy.

Oh, I know where there's
a ton of hard candy.

- I have an idea!
- Another idea?

You know you're batting
zero for a thousand.

You can keep
the bent-up golf clubs,

or you can keep
the broken fishing rod,

or you can go for
what's in the box.

- What's in the box?
- I thought you knew.

Well, if you don't know,
then throw it out.

[panting]

Don't throw out that box!

Look who finally
came to do his job!

Too late, buddy boy!
We did it.

I did it.
What's in the box?

- Halloween candy.
- Hank's right.

When it was our final year
of trick-or-treating,

Hank and I really went for it.

We filled pillowcase
after pillowcase with candy,

so we would have a huge stash
for years and years after.

Oh, the things you do
when you're a kid.

[Oscar]
You were 18 years old!

[door slams]


so technically, still a kid.

So all those times

you said you were
cleaning the shed,

- you were...
- ...eating Halloween candy.

There's still probably
a good 10 kilos

of street sweets in that box.

It's empty. There's
just some chewed wrappers

and a handful of those
orange Halloween candies.

Wow, even rats won't eat those.

[together] The motherlode.

- We have rats?
- We wouldn't have,

if you two would do
your damn chores.

Now all I have to do is
cleverly engineer a method

of luring the rats into
some large box-like trap.

The shed is kinda box-like.

[music]

[sniffing]

Close the rat hole!

- Rats trapped!
- Case closed!

Shed cleaned!

[Fitz] You're a good cop, Davis.

I can't say the same
for you, Officer Pelly.

It's not her fault.
I made her lie.

Lying doesn't bother me.
I'm a politician.

I'm more concerned about
how Karen roughed up Helen.

Hey, she hit her own head
on the roof of the cruiser.

Nine times?
Let's hope she doesn't sue.

Send her a cheese platter.
Rumour is she's into that.

- Thanks for coming clean.
- I saw how it was eating you up.

- Oh, Fitzy forgot his coffee mug.
- Oh, I'll take it to him.

Maybe it'll help me get
back in his good books.

[gasps] You broke
Fitzy's favorite mug.

- You can't tell. Back pact!
- I got you.

[bleating]

Really?

No one wanted to k*ll the rats.

Care to do the honours?

I'm not some crazy,
blood-lusty k*ller

that takes pleasure
in the pain of animals.

Getting a lot of mixed
messages here, Lacey.

Release the cheese!

Release the rats!

See? [laughs]
I told you they like cheese!

I pushed
some hard candy into it.

[laughing]

[music]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ It's a great big place ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ And it's my happy place ♪
- ♪ I don't know ♪