03x06 - Lock n' Loaf

[bunniefuu]

♪

Hmm.

[telephone rings]

- Hello?
- Emma?

It's time.

Huh.
What is that about?

Well, we're either being
att*cked by Godzilla,

- or it's Bread Day.
- What's Bread Day?

You're just totally
breezing over

the Godzilla thing?

I'm 90% sure
it's not Godzilla,

and 10% sure
Mothra will protect us.

- So what is Bread Day?
- Well, not to be too expository,

but every now and then,

my mom makes this
incredible sourdough bread.

The whole town
goes crazy for it,

so they all line up
at Mom and Dad's house

hoping to pinch a loaf.

- L-Let me rephrase that.
- Don't bother.

What if it was Bread Day
and Godzilla was attacking?

You've met my mom, right?

He'd line up
like everyone else.

♪ You think there's
not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

What's the deal with
Tommy Tool-Time over there?

I'm getting one of those
smart locks installed,

so I can lock and unlock
the door remotely

- with my phone.
- Ha! Did you get sucked in.

Regular old key locks
have worked

for thousands of years.

Why would you waste your
money on a smart lock?

I can think of a few reasons.

[cell phone rings]

[Wanda] You gotta let me in to
Corner Gas. I forgot my keys.

[cell phone rings]

[Wanda] Come let me in.
I lost my keys.

[glove snaps]

I'm a little concerned about
your hotdog consumption.

[cell phone rings]

[Wanda] I forgot my keys!

Oh, this is my fault?
You ever think there's times

you shouldn't
answer the phone?

Ah... all finished.

I've connected the app
to your store's router,

and if you upgrade
to the premium version,

it's a whole smart home system.

This isn't my home,
Johnny Upsell.

I just need
the free lock thingy.

All right, well, then,
just open up the app

and input your cheap-ass
thumbprint...

- My what?
- Your thumbprint, on your phone.

It's a solid system.
Tempered steel deadbolt,

reinforced door hinges.
It's like a bank vault.

You see a lot of bank
vaults with windows?

[crowd murmuring excitedly]

Hey!

- What do you think you're doing?
- Hey, no cutsies, no buttsies!

I'm not buttsie-ing!
I just have a few questions.

Karen, what's the deal with Bread Day?

How does this work?
How long has it been going on?

That's too many questions.
Here's all you need to know.

Show up, line up, shut up.

This is the best bread

you have ever tasted
in your life,

and it doesn't
come around very often.

[cell phone rings]

D.R.P.D.
A what?

What do you mean,
"hostage situation"?

[sighs] Fine.
I'll be right there.

Hostage situation?
That sounds bad.

It's making me miss Bread
Day, so, yeah, it's bad.

But what...
[door opens]

[crowd gasping] Ooh...!

Yes, yes, yes, yes...
[holy chorus sings]

[door closes]

Hey! How come you yelled
at me for cutting in line,

but not Davis?
Is it the g*n?

I could have a g*n.
You don't know.

You really have no idea
about how this works, do you?

I know this...

I'm taking a loaf for me,
and a loaf for Karen,

because she had to miss out.

[crowd grumbling in protest]

- [Won] Loaf stealer!
- Oh, get bent!

♪

I had to get away
from the house.

Bread Day! Aah!
It always drives me batty.

You can't even look up
from your stupid phone

for two seconds
to acknowledge your father?

You're addicted
to your Tweetspace.

I'm not on Tweetspace,
or YouBook, or Snappedln,

or any other site
that isn't actually a site.

I'm figuring out
my new smartlock app.

Matlock has an app?

- For what, legal advice?
- Smartlock.

It's a marvel of modern
technology that'll make my life

a lot easier while revolutionizing
security as we know it.

- How does it work?
- I clearly don't know.

I can't unlock it,

and I seem to have Wanda
trapped inside.

Let me outta here!

Yeah, yeah, I'm working on it.

Something's wrong with the app.

I'll open the door
as soon as I can.

Until then, relax.

How can I relax
when I'm locked in a room

full of snacks, and pop, and...

trashy Hollywood magazines, and...

This actually
might not be so bad.

[toilet flushes]

- What'd I miss?
- [screaming] Get me out now!

[banging on glass]
Now!

Okay, let's sample
this bread of Emma's,

and see what
all the fuss is about.

The fuss is about the
bread being delicious. Duh!

Okay, whoa...

About a thousand times
more delicious

than anything at this place.

- Well, that's not very...
- Here.

I think you'll find
I tipped zero percent,

Two-Loaf Lacey!

So this is about me
taking bread for Karen?

Because that's just a nice
thing to do for someone.

Why is everyone so intense?

It's just bread.

Mmm.
Oh...

Oh! It's like somebody
poured butter on an angel.

- Yeah, it is.
- Okay, relax!

♪

[error beeps]

Stupid app won't read
my thumbprint.

[cackles]
Smartlock for a dumbass.

You and your gadgets.
[error beeping]

Fine, I'm here.
What's the hostage situation?

- I don't think I said "hostage."
- You did.

You said "hostage" and "situation,"

and then you told me
not to tell anyone

about the hostage situation.

Oh. Well, great,
now you've told my dad.

Thanks a lot, Karen.

[knocking on glass]

Karen!
sh**t the lock off!

- Or sh**t me!
- Hiya, Karen!

- Wait, sh**t him!
- Pretty cool, eh?

Me and Wanda are hostages!

You told Hank, too?

Remind me not to share
any more secrets

- with this one.
- Which one?

[knocking]

Hi, Emma. I tried your
bread, and it's incredible.

The best I've ever tasted.

From one baker to another,
I've gotta know your secret.

- My secret is I want out.
- Out of what?

Out of this freshly baked
nightmare.

♪

How did Wanda and Hank
get locked in Corner Gas?

How far do you want
to roll the story back?


gave birth to a jackass?

Or just a few hours ago,
when that jackass decided

to hook his front door
up to the Internet?

[sighing]

Neither of those
tells me anything.

I installed a smartlock,

but the app isn't
reading my thumbprint.

It's no big deal.
I overstated things a bit

when I said
"hostage situation."

Well, technically, if they're
in there against their will,

- it is a hostage situation.
- Wanda's just at work.

Well, as much at work
as she ever is.

My shift ends in 20 minutes.

After that, I'm getting
paid overtime.

No, you're not!

And it's double time.

Time and a half!

- Deal!
- Dammit!

The ladder on this fire truck
only goes up nine inches.

What if you're in a building
that's a foot tall?

- You'd be toast!
- I don't know,

get something for them
to jump down on.

What, like a sponge cake?
Ooh, Jell-O!

Why don't you try uninstalling
and reinstalling the app?

I'll find something
to break the window.

No! You want to rescue
them, knock yourself out,

but no breaking windows.

Fine.
I'll break in another way.

Good luck.
The place is pretty solid.

In police training, we are
taught multiple criminal tactics.

Yeah, but this app
has four stars.

How many stars
do you have, Karen?

Is it zero?
Zero stars?

[cackling]
Speaking of zeros,

here's a big one right here!
Big round one!

Yeah, well, all zeros
are round, so...

♪

[Lacey] Okay, so what's
the deal with the bread?

Davis has this
amazing sourdough starter

that's been in his family
for generations,

but it's only ready to bake with
under certain conditions,

and because
I'm the best baker in town...

his words, not mine...
he wants me to bake it.

Hmm, so what's the problem?

You should be flattered that
he thinks you're the best baker,

when who really knows
who's the best? [chuckles]

Maybe I am the best.
Probably.

Not for me to say...

but it's a huge pain,
and causes nothing but stress.

- I want out.
- So, just explain that to Davis.

I can't. It would be an
insult to him and his family

if I were to turn down
this huge honour,

- as he calls it.
- Hmm, I see.

Then what we need to do
is make it his idea,

not yours.
Basically, get him to fire you.

I'm not sure that'll work.
I'm really the best baker.

Like, naturally talented.
Again, his words, not mine.

[chuckles] Oh...
he's saying those words a lot

for someone who's not even here.

- Okay, I've got the app uninstalled.
- Congratulations.

Now I just have to download
it again and reinstall it.

I just can't remember
the exact name of the app.

Outstanding. Now instead of
worrying about forgetting keys,

you can worry about forgetting
your stupid lock game.

- It's not a game.
- You sure? [laughing]

'Cause I find this
entertaining as hell.

It has the word "lock" in it.
"Lock it Down"?

No, that's a dating app.
"Lock Nest"?

That's for building
bird houses, in Scotland.

[gasps] Here it is!
"Lock Away"!

Download.

Oh, no, this is
a diary app for teenagers.

Well, you're mentally about 13,
so there you go. [chuckles]

Now what are you doing?

Writing some nasty stuff
about you in my new diary,

which is locked,
so you'll never be able to read it.

See if you can find an app
that reminds you

you're a jackass
every ten minutes.

I already have
the live version of that,

and it could use some updates.

♪

Think... like a criminal.

[chuckling in triumph]

Hello,
what do we have here?

This isn't so bad.

I always said I'd prefer
less customers.

[munching]

And I'm liking the
all-you-can-eat snack buffet.

"Please Your Man, Please."
Oh, please...

That's your fourth pop,

and you haven't even
finished the third one!

It got warm!

Oh, hey, Wanda,
you want to find out

Who Your Sizzling Celebrity
Summer Style Twin is?

I already did that quiz.

I'm a cross between
Taylor Swift and Chucky.

♪

You know, uh,
if we never get out of here,

we might have to repopulate,
to further the species.

Kinda like a "last man
on Earth" sort of thing.

[gagging]
We're short one man.

[laughing] I'm more man
than you could ever handle.

[laughs and snorts]

Hey, should I get
my eyebrows waxed?

Davis, you seem to
know a lot about baking,

what with this whole
bread thing.

Can I get your opinion
on something?

Sure. You should get
Emma's, too, though.

She's the real expert.

Ta-da! I want to add
something to the menu,

and I can't decide which is best.

Wow!
They all look great.

I'm impressed.

Is that orange zest
on your pound cake?

- How... experimental.
- Hmm...

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Well? [giggling]
What do you think?

You've got real skill.
What talent.

This croissant is incredible.

Do you know what would
make your menu better?

- What?
- If you got Emma to bake for you!

- She's a real beast with the yeast.
- He does have a point.

I've heard my butter tarts
are "to die for."

[coughing pointedly]

Uh, but Lacey
is an excellent baker.

Some might say
she's even better than me.

What?
Who would say that?

I've never actually heard that,

but I feel like there might
be someone out there.

Somewhere.

- Far away.
- Well, whoever they are is an idiot.

Emma is the Bread Queen.

Yeah, yeah,
your words, not hers.

Pop and Lock It,
a Dance Instruction App.

No, that's not gonna...
Although...

No, now's not the time.

Lock of Hair:
Social Networking for Stalkers?

Yikes.
[gasping] Gah!

Hank won't stop chewing
with his mouth open,

and he's not even eating anymore.

When are we going
to get out of here?

I'm trying.

Remembering isn't something
I can just do on command.

I've noticed.

Ah, there it is, Lockblocker!

Right... with the
slightly p*rn logo.

Download.

Wait! Aw, I hit
the premium version.

$16.99?
For an app that doesn't work?

Ah, great.
Well, that's one penny shy

of $17.00 I'll never get back.

Hmm, auxiliary controls?
Air conditioning?

I can control that from here?
Cool.

When I get out of here,
I'm buying an atlas.

- I want to see the world.
- You're in Saskatchewan.

Stand on the hood of your truck,
you can see the world.

[groaning] It's getting cold in here.
I'm freezing to death.

If you do die, can I cut open
your belly and Tauntaun you?

[shouting]
Get us out of here!

The AC's broke,
Hank wants to Tauntaun me,

and I don't know
what that means!

There, is that better?

[music playing]

No! Now cheesy, romantic
muzak is playing!

I know, I thought
that might calm you down

while I tried to make it warmer.
I'll turn it off.

Oh, dammit, now it's updating.

[groaning] I paid $3.01
short of $20.00 for this?

[crunching and laughing]

- I should sell tickets to this.
- Where did you get those chips?

I don't know. [laughing]
Ask your robot!

Did you get inside?
Did he get inside?

[grunting]

Why are these things always
so clean in the movies?

[grunting]

Break into Corner Gas,
have a snack,

we'll have a few laughs.

Jackpot!

[cell phone ringing]
[thud] Aah!

Jeez, that's loud
when you're in a tin box.

- D.R.P.D.
- Where are you?

Well, if you'll take a
look-see through the window,

by my calculations,
in three seconds,

I'll be standing in...
Corner Gas.

- Or... The Ruby.
- Hey, Karen.

I got a loaf of
Emma's bread for you,

but you're kind of standing on it.

♪

It's no use.

Davis is never gonna
let me out of this.

I mean, I get it,
I'm an incredibly talented baker,

but still.
You're not that bad, are you?

You kinda make it hard
to want to help you.

Listen, there's
one more thing we can try.

- You have to throw a loaf.
- At Davis?

No, you bake a bad loaf
of bread, on purpose,

and I'll make
a good loaf of bread.

Then we'll serve them
both to Davis,

and he'll like mine more.

How am I going to bake
a bad loaf of bread?

How do you do it?

[chuckling ruefully] This
is starting to feel personal.

You look like you took a nap
inside a vacuum cleaner.

Well, The Ruby's vents
are very clean now,

but you're right,
it's impossible to break in.

Impossible?
My dad's been in and back... twice.

- Oh, please.
- Oscar, tell me how you got inside.

Forget you, fuzz.
Why should I tell a dirty cop?

You're literally dirty and fuzzy.

Hmm, I notice you're
a little dirty too,

but you just have dirt
on your elbows and knees.

- Why is that?
- I have the right to remain silent,

and you have the right
to pound sand.

Cool.
Medium moisture content.

[gasps]
There's a crawl space, isn't there?

- No, you're crazy.
- Yeah, crazy like a fox,

or some animal that tunnels...
is my point.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a hole to crawl into.

When I get out of here.
I'm gonna hold my son.

Just hold him,
and steal all his body heat.

First thing I'm going to do
is eat a bag of chips.

All you've been doing
is eating chips.

Yeah, but I'll be eating them
as a free man.

[banging on glass]

This is t*rture!
Get us out of here now!

Or I'm gonna break
every window in this place,

and then every window
in your house,

and then your parents' house,

and then your glasses,

- and your father's glasses!
- Hey!

I don't understand.

I put in my thumbprint
when we set it up,

and it won't recognize it.

I get to the screen, and...

Well, I'd let you
use my thumbprint,

but my fingers are covered
in delicious free grease.

Yeah, we don't have
the same thumbprint, Dad.

That's not how genetics...
Hang on...

I was eating my breakfast chips
when I set this thing up.

- My thumbprint was greasy.
- Hey! Get your own.

[app chimes]

[lock clicks open]

Freedom!

[groaning in relief]

I can finally breathe again!

No more eating chips,

drinking pop,
and playing with toys.

Though that fire truck
was kinda fun.

Well, I'm outta here.
Thanks for the overtime.

Wait a minute. You're not
leaving until you clean up.

It's a mess in there.

Fine, but keep
your greasy paws off that lock,

and I mean it.
[muttering]

This is so totally
going in my diary.

♪

Davis, I managed
to make a few more loaves

out of the starter.

How about a slice,
fresh out of the oven?

And I also baked a loaf.

I didn't use the
starter dough, but still.

Do you mind
sampling my bread

- and giving me a few notes?
- Sure.

Hmm.

Mmm, good sponginess.

Definite bready taste
throughout.

Crumby finish.
The good "crumby."

Excellent job.

Mmm.
Ugh. Oh, no.

Emma, bad news.
This loaf is terrible.

This can only mean one thing.

- I'm a better baker than Emma.
- No.

This means the sourdough
starter must've gone bad.

That's sad.

Oh, well, I guess 117 years
is a good run.

I'll go throw it out.

[both screaming] No!

Once I greased up my fingers,

this thing
is super easy to use.

[soft muzak starts playing]

I do like this ditty.
What's it called?

- Off.
- Stupid title.

No.
Shut the stupid thing off.

I cleaned up.
Can we go now?

Door closing.
Everyone out?

Everyone better be
out of here,

because I am closing the door.
Electronically.

Last call for freedom!

[lights click]

A-ha!
Karen to the rescue!

Wanda? Hank?

[groaning]
Ungrateful sons of...

Fine. Then I guess I'll just
take some snacks for the road.

Hey!
Where are all the chips?

Don't throw out the starter.

We were trying to make you think

Lacey's a better baker than me

so that you'd want her
to take over the bread ritual.

I'm ready to retire
from being the bread queen.

And I'm ready to wear
that crusty crown.

Oh, well, why didn't you say so?
That's no problem.

Honestly, this sourdough
starter is so great,

anyone with basic skills

could make
delicious bread with it.

"Basic"? You told me I was
the best baker on the planet.

- Your words, not mine.
- I just thought

you kinda needed
all that praise and fuss...

Boy, she needs a lot of fuss.

so you'd keep
baking the bread.

Wow.
That's humbling, and insulting.

I don't know why anyone would
want to bake your stupid...

Yes! I'm the bread queen!

Bow down and kiss my crust!
My words, not yours.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

[Davis] Lacey.
It's time.

No, it's not.

♪

[Brent writes] Dear Diary.

File today under "toughie."

Nobody understands me.

My dad is a total grouch.

Sometimes I think
people in this town

like my mom's bread
more than they like me.

I can't wait till I grow up, and...

Hang on, I'm 40.

I'm too old for this stuff.

[clicks, game monsters snarl]

Here we go.

Die, zombie ghost scum!

♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ It's a great big place ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪