04x06 - Law & Quarter

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[Brent]: Hey, Karen.

Hey, didn't I
fill you up yesterday?

Where'd you drive to, the moon?

Tickie, tickie,
tickie, tickie...

What's going on?

Am I on 60 Minutes?

Every time I leave Corner Gas,

I get a rock stuck in my tire

from your gravel,

and then all I hear when I drive

is "tickie, tickie, tickie."

What do you want me
to do about it?

Pave the parking lot.

Yeah, that's a reasonable
$40,000 solution

to your tire
going "tickie."

Well, you're a full-service
gas station.

Let's see some service.

All right, fine,

I'll dig it out.

Ooh, Spider-Man underpants, huh?

I didn't know they made those

for ages bald and up.

Age "bald-ING,"
thank you very much.

All done.

That'll be five bucks.

You're charging me?

But it's your rock!

I'm just returning it.

It's not a pop can.

I'm a man of business,

and I provided a service.

You can keep the rock.

I said you could keep the rock!

She took my Kn*fe.

Maybe she already has a rock.

A $60 ticket?

For what?

Possession of a folding blade.

It's illegal in Dog River.

What?

I use a folding blade
all the time!

For cutting strings
or fending off coyotes.

You're kidding me, right?

Afraid not.

You can look it up.

I will look it up.

Nice doing business with you.

Ha!

You're not gonna
pay that, are you?

I shouldn't.

But I probably will.

I'm worried
about my police record.

Police record?

Mr. Superhero Underpants
has a police record?

What did you do?

You can't just drop that
and walk away!

You're a disgrace to your gonch!

♪ You think
there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

[TV playing]
You'll see, Meredith.

The day he wakes up
from that coma,

he'll take my hand

and tell me he loves me.

- No, Lucinda!

It's me he truly loves.

He only said those things to you

because he was possessed
by your dead husband!

[muttering] Yeah,
the husband you rat poisoned.

Oh, look, he's opening his eyes!

[gasps in shock]

I'm heading out for a bit.

He's reaching out his hand...

- But for who?
- but for who?

You want to know
where I'm going?

Raphael?

Or when I'm coming back?

I know when you're coming back.

Lunchtime.
You never miss it.

I'm off to Corner Gas!

Ha!

Now you know, whether
you like it or not!

[laughing]

[front door opens and closes]

Do you hear me?

[front door opens]
Hey, Emma.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

You know Brent doesn't
live here anymore, right?

I'm here because

I got a new job.

You didn't have an old job.

I am a money manager.

That can't possibly be true.

My card.

This is a "buy ten subs,
get one free" card.

Where do you think
I got all the money

for those subs?

My clients give me
their loose change,

I swap it to local businesses
for bills,

and keep 10%.

Whatever.

Take any loose change

you see lying around the house,

and then get out of the house.

Thanks, Emma!

[television plays] I can't
believe he admitted that!

Admitted what?

[♪♪♪]

Where's the tickie tickie?

I had Brent dig out the rock.

Aw, I liked it.

It was soothing,

and then it got exciting
when you drove faster.

Brent was going
to charge me for it,

so I wrote him up.

Jerk move.

Yeah, that was a jerk move

by you.

No, Brent was the jerk,

so I gave him a ticket.

"Possession of a folding blade."

You made up a law?

Sounds like
you were both being jerks.

Jerk-on-jerk crime.

It's a legitimate law.

Look it up.

municipallaws.dogriver.
sask.gov.org

The DRPD has all kinds
of antiquated laws

still on the books.

It's illegal to play
poker on Sundays.

It's illegal to challenge
someone to a duel.

"Children under the age of 12

cannot be sold
to the circus."

That's when
they're most flexible.

We have a bunch

of old-timey police equipment

in storage, too.

If you need a Mother's Day gift,

there's some nice
muskets in there.

[♪♪♪]

[gasps]

[cell phone rings]

Hey, Emma.

Did you take Oscar's
collector quarter

out of his display case?

The really old one
with the slightly bent edge?

You betcha.

Please tell me
you still have it.

That's Oscar's
prized possession,

and it's worth a lot of money.

I still have it.

Oh, thank goodness.

I need it back.

I don't have it.

Then why did you say you did?

Because you told me to say that,

and you said please.

Where did you swap those coins?

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Davis.

Don't you think
it's hypocritical

for you to be sitting
next to a criminal?

I don't get it.

"A woman shall not wear pants

in a public place."

Right there

on municipallaws
.dogriver.sask.gov.org

I still can't believe
that domain was available.

Well, this is just silly.

I don't make the rules.

I just use them for spite.

Guess you better write her up.

You're not really
going to do that.

Oh, I didn't realize
cops had immunity

in this town.

I've got to be fair, Karen.

[scoffs]
Unbelievable.

I will get you back, Leroy.

Police thr*at!

Witnesses!

Oh, knock it off.

Brent, you're being petty
and childish.

Yeah!

And, Karen,

you of all people should know

that no one is above the law.

You're telling me
you wouldn't complain

if you got a ticket
for wearing pants?

I'm saying

I have the utmost respect
for the law.

It should be taken seriously.

Right, Davis?

But some of these laws
are seriously stupid.

I can't believe

you think I'm being
petty and childish.

Now if you'll excuse me...

[Swooshing sounds]

I'm gonna randomly brandish
this giant machete,

which isn't illegal,

because it's not
a folding blade.

[slicing]
Whoa!

Watch what you're doing!

Relax, I'm just making a point.

[♪♪♪]

Brent almost k*lled me.

Attempted m*rder?

His police record...

Has he k*lled before?

Or failed at k*lling before?

Ketchup next to instant oatmeal?

What idiot organized
these shelves?

Yeah, you should really
teach me a lesson

and go shop somewhere else.

[telephone rings]

Corner Gas.
What?

Is Oscar still there?

Hmm, let's see if anyone
is driving me crazy

with his incessant rambling.

Oh, there he is.

I don't have time to explain,

but I need you
to keep him occupied.

Here?

With me?

Voluntarily?

I'll make it worth your while.

What's your while worth?

Tell you what,

I'll keep him here,

but afterward,

you tell me everything you know

about Brent's police record.

You got a deal.

Where are the Tums?

Let me guess,
beside the antifreeze.

You know, Oscar,

if you just tell me
how to rearrange the shelves,

I'll probably forget,

but if you show me,

quietly,

without saying anything,

it might sink in.

[♪♪♪]

Karen, can you pass the mustard?

Kinda tough
to spread mustard with this,

but nothing illegal about it.

Oh, honestly.

A sword now?

You don't think that's
a little outrageous?

What's outrageous

is you having
a fish 'n' chips special

on a Wednesday.

What's wrong with that?

"Fish shall only be
served at a public eatery

on Fridays."

That's a religious thing,
not a law.

Actually, he's right.

It's on here.

A-ha!

I guess Miss Goody-two-shoes

is getting a ticket.

Oh, I'm not giving
Lacey a ticket.

No, Karen,

I respect the law

and insist on taking
my punishment.

Give me the ticket.

No, I'm not giving you a ticket

because that's not the penalty.

It's jail time.

Jail time?

That's crazy.

But you did say,

in a righteous
and preachy fashion,

you had the utmost respect
for the law.

I guess

if Brent and I have to
pay the consequences,

so do you.

It's your first menu violation,

so I won't cuff you.

Lacey!

Did you bring muffins?

Nope, she was caught
serving fish

on a Wednesday,

which, according
to the law book,

requires jail time.

This is getting way out of hand.

But it is the law,

and I'm prepared to face
the consequences.

Lately it feels like the law
is laughing in our face.

I need some fresh air.

Unless that's illegal.

[grumbles]

How long will I be behind bars?

I've got some chili simmering.

Oh, well, we have
to wait for a judge

to come from the city,

and their schedules
are often pretty packed.

Ah, let me check.

Eight days?

[gasps] I'm stuck here
for eight days?

Oh, no...
[chuckles]

Sorry, seven.

You want your coins back?

[chuckles] I knew
you wouldn't make it

in finance.

We just need to see
the quarters.

I already gave out
a bunch of change today,

but sure.

Damn.

No dice.

No special quarter either.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I've got work to do in the back.

I guess we keep searching.

[whispers]
Hey, Hank.

Charity coin box.

Sorry, I'm tapped out.

People put
their change in there.

And I said I don't have...

Oh...

I'm not seeing it.

I guess we're off to the bar.

[gasps] My word.

Stealing from charity
to buy booze.

I expect this from Emma,

but not from my money manager!

[♪♪♪]

Oh, sorry.

I'll pick that up.

Who cares?

I've lost all faith in the law.

So... I don't
have to pick that up?

Do whatever you want.

Whatever I want?

Hmm...

Meh.

[chuckles]
This is incredible!

Hey, everybody, it's the Purge!

[Wanda]:
Tums beside newspapers?

Yeah!

The news today?

It's enough to turn
anyone's stomach.

I've learned so much.

Darn right you have.

Now I'm going home for lunch.

No, no!

You've got to stay.

Uh, I need your help.

Helen's here,

and she's a chronic shoplifter.

We need to bust her.

We?

I'd be too obvious.

So you need to follow her around

with this video camera.

Video camera?

Looks like a flashlight.

No.

It's a very high-tech spy cam.

The kind James Bond uses.

Which James Bond?

I don't know, Roger Moore?

Oh, the cheeky one.

[giggles]
I like him.

[♪♪♪]

The quarters could be
anywhere by now.

I know Lanny got some
from me earlier

to play pinball.

Pling!

Whirr...

Ding-ding, flippy-flippy.

Have you ever even
played pinball?

You do your job, I'll do mine.

Have you broken
into the money box yet?

No. It's really tough.

Oh, look!

I won!

Wee-oo, wee-oo!

Hey, Emma,

I don't mean to interrupt
your fake pinball playing,

but do you guys want the keys

so you can unlock the money box?

That'd be great, thanks.

You see it?

Nope.

I'm getting thirsty.

How much is a beer?

.75, 1.00, 1.50...

You know that's pinball money,
not your money,

Mr. Money Manager.

I guess I have to tell Oscar
the truth.

Get me a drink too.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Davis!

I just thought
I'd jaywalk over here

to see if it was okay

that I jaywalked over here.

[splat]

You don't mind if I leave
my gum there, do you?

Why would I care?

I mean, it's super gross
and un-hygenic,

but whatever.

Davis.

Mavis.

Whoa!

Anarchy!

Heavens!

That's enough!

I don't care what anyone does

as long as it doesn't
endanger others!

Are you all right?

Oh, I may need mouth-to-mouth.

[sighs]

[♪♪♪]

For the love of God,

just steal something already.

What are you talking about?

Wanda said you were
a shoplifter.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho,
I didn't say "shoplifter."

I said she was a sock-sniffer.

[huffs in indignation]

Way to go.
You blew your cover.

You didn't say "sock-sniffer,"

and I've got the video
to prove it.

That's it, I'm going home.

No, no, you can't!

Why not?

There's something
fishy going on here.

You're right.

The truth is...

there's a surprise party
for you.

Why?

It's not my birthday.

That's part of the surprise!

Oh. Yeah, I guess.

Well, I don't want
to ruin the surprise.

You hide in the surprise closet

until I say the secret phrase...

"This Day Can't End
Soon Enough."

Uh, wait...

Why am I the one hiding?

It's not my party.

[music blasting]

Bu, you've got
to turn that down!

Word on the street
is there's no law.

Ravi said that,

and then
threw a candy wrapper at me.

That's not exactly the case.

I have a couple of laws.

One, you can't endanger someone,

and two, you can't annoy me.

Oh, really?

But that's allowed?

Oh, come on, Zeke!

Hold on, I'm almost done.

[sighs]

You're done now.

Tap it and wrap it.

I'm taking you in.

Congratulations

on making me care
about the law again.

I'm not sitting here
for seven days.

I know my rights.

How about my phone call?

You wanna call Josh

and tell him to stir the chili?

As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna phone my lawyer.

No, no.

Um... we don't need lawyers.

Besides, bad news,
our phone is broken.

[dialing]

Good news, I have my own.

Dammit.

I should've patted her down.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

How long do I
have to hide in here?

I'm bored,

and hungry!

Balloons?

I can't eat these!

Blow them up.

Why do I have
to blow up balloons?

It's your party.

You don't want balloons?

No, I want them!

[inflating]

The best part
of blowing them up in the dark

is that you won't know
what colour they are.

That's part of the surprise!

[deflating rapidly]

You'll never guess
what happened!

It's one of two things.

Either way,
keep the door closed.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, why'd you
call me down here?

I think we went too far.

[sobbing]

I just can't believe

how quickly my world's
been turned upside down!

My reputation is ruined,

and I talked to my lawyer

about what it'll cost
to expunge my record,

and I can't afford it!

I'm gonna have to sell The Ruby
to pay my legal fees!

What?
No, no, no.

No tears, no crying.

Please, it was all a joke.

A joke?

Well, that's a pretty mean joke.

You're right, it's just...

You were so holier-than-thou
about the law.

I thought this would be funny.

Well, it wasn't funny.

I bet you feel like
a real jerkwad.

I'm unfamiliar with
that particular...

A big, mean, jackass jerkwad!

Okay, yes.

Yes what?

I'm a big, mean,
jackass jerkwad!

All right, then.

I'll be on my way.

I hope you'll take some time

to think about what you've done.

Wow, she's good.

She had us both fooled
with those crocodile tears.

Yes. Both of us.

I was not in on that at all.

Everyone in the cell.

What did they all do?

Littering, spitting,
jaywalking, speeding,

disturbing the peace,
and public urination.

None of this requires jail time.

At most, it's a citation.

Oh, yeah.

Well, they can wait in jail

until I finish
writing the tickets.

Can I use the bathroom?

You just went!

[♪♪♪]

What happened to Oscar?

He's in the surprise closet.

The what?

I Can't Wait
For This Day To End!

Tell me about it.

Surprise!

[laughs] Is this
for my birthday?

That's awesome!

It's a bit early,

but, uh, what's four months?

No, jackass, it's for me.

Now, I'm starving.

Where's my cake?

Here's the wackiest
surprise of all...

There's no cake!

No cake?

Not all surprises
are good surprises.

Speaking of not-good surprises,

I have something
to tell you, Oscar.

I don't want to hear anything

until I eat something!

Wait a minute,

this looks like my quarter.

It's got the same bent edge.



This is my quarter!

How did it get here?

I can explain.

Let me guess, it's Hank's fault.

No.

What happened was...

Okay, yes, it's Hank's fault.

Well, first time for everything.

It must have gone
into circulation

and ended up here.

What's so special
about it, anyway?

I mean, does it have
magical powers?

[chuckles wryly]

[seriously] Does it
have magical powers?

All quarters from before 1965

have real silver in them.

This rascal is worth
almost three dollars!

Three dollars?

We went through all this

for three stinkin' dollars?

Almost three stinking dollars.

In another ten years,

it might be worth almost five!

I'll give you
almost six right now

if you never mention
this stupid coin again.

Sold!

Now I'm getting back
in the closet

to wait for the rest
of my party to show up.

[giggling]

[balloons bounce, door closes]

I'm closing up here.

Want to go for a drink?

[♪♪♪]

Great chili, Lacey.

Hmm, silent treatment, huh?

Well, I guess it's better
than a lecture about...

You got some nerve, buddy!

A jail prank?

A lot could've
gone wrong with that.

I could've been shivved
by another prisoner!

This chili could've been b*rned.

There ought to be a law
against what you did.

Actually, there is.

Come on, you guys
are setting me up.

"A man of business

shall not mislead
a maiden."

You're a man of business.

You made that very clear

this morning.

And you just had to be a maiden.

So, what...

this law doesn't
require jail time, I hope?

I told you the DRPD still
has a ton of old equipment

in storage.

Don't worry, Brent.

You only have to be here
for 24 hours.

Wow, I really got off
scot free in all of this.

[starting engine]

[rock ticking in tire]

Dammit! Rock tire!

All right...

Tickie, tickie, tickie,
tickie, tickie, tickie...

This seems harsh,
but entertaining.

Is this because of
his police record?

You promised to tell me.

I promised to tell you

everything I know about it,

which is nothing.

Brent...

since when do you have
a police record?

Since I started
collecting vinyl.

Their "Ghost in the Machine"
album is a classic.

I lent it to Karen and Davis

and was worried
I wouldn't get it back

if I didn't pay the ticket.

So your police record

is just a record by The Police?

Yeah.

Not sure where I lost you.

You deserve this fate.

This punishment is bad enough,

but it's extra cruel to eat that
right in front of me.

Can I have a bite?

Nah, I'm not legally allowed

to share food with a prisoner

while they're in a stockade.

People in stockades

get food thrown at them
all the time.

Thank you.

Mm...

[♪♪♪]

[groaning]

I could do without
being in a stockade

ever again.

Those old laws
are so ridiculous.

I wonder if today's laws

will look stupid to
people in the future.

- [chuckling]
- What's so funny?

I'm reading a comic
from the 21st century.

They had a bunch of weird
old laws back then.

Did you know

it used to be illegal
to k*ll people?

It used to be illegal
to do this?

Yeah.

Because in the old days,

you couldn't do this.

[groaning]

Did you disintegrate me again?

No.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh...

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh...

♪ Full of nothin' but space

♪ Ooh...

♪ And it's my happy place

♪ I don't know ♪