04x16 - Not Everything's About You

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "The Ranch". Aired: April 1, 2016 – January 24, 2020.*
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Series details the life of the Bennetts, a dysfunctional family consisting of brothers Colt and Rooster, their father Beau, and their mother Maggie who owns the local bar.
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04x16 - Not Everything's About You

Post by bunniefuu »

How's she doing?

Oh, she's all right.

I've been talking to her a lot.

- She's...
- [cows mooing]

...made me question
whether or not I'm all right.

You hear that?

This sick f*ck talks to cows.

It's been a hell of a day.

Lost three calves.

$6,000 lost,

who knows how many more are coming?

Yep, it ain't great.

But there is a silver lining.

Yeah, what's that?

None of it was my fault.

This cow and this cow
didn't go to the cow show,

and they both miscarried.

Actually, no, this cow...

Wait... Oh, whatever.

None of it's my fault.

You serious?

We got three dead calves,

and you're worried about
who's right and who's wrong?

Oh, I'm not worried,
I'm crystal clear.

You were wrong, and I was right.

[Dale] Hey, fellas.

Hey, Dale.

Turns out I was right.

Hey, Dale, thanks for coming by so early.

Oh, that's okay.

Gives me another story
for the TV show I'm writing.

[chuckles] Everybody loves
that Chicago PD, Chicago Fire.

Who wouldn't watch Garrison Vet?

Yeah, how about a show called

Frustrated Rancher
Wants To Get To The Point?

Oh, sure.

Go on right after

Rude Customer Denied Service.

All right, look.

We lost three calves in the last 24 hours.
What do you think is going on?

Well, it's hard to say.

Could be the cold snap.

Could be something they ate
out in the field.

Could be just dumb effing luck.

Or, worst case, could be trich.


If it's trich, we're f*cked.

What's trich?


STD that causes cows to miscarry.


Just real quick, how contagious is it?

I occasionally drink water
out of their troughs.

You're fine.

But Peterson's whole herd
could've been infected.

If that's the case, we might have
no cows to sell. We'll be out of business.

Just take it easy.

We're not gonna know what it is
until I test the whole herd.

And until then,

just keep your head down,
and keep working.

I mean, if it's something bad,
you'll figure it out,

I have faith in you.

Appreciate you, Dale.

By the way,

before I do those tests,

I'm gonna have to be paid in cash.

[country music playing]

♪ Cowboys ain't easy to love ♪

♪ And they're harder to hold ♪

♪ And they'd rather give you a song ♪

♪ Than diamonds or gold ♪

♪ Lone Star belt buckles
And old faded Levi's ♪

♪ And each night begins a new day ♪

♪ If you don't understand him ♪

♪ And he don't die young ♪

♪ He'll probably just ride away ♪

♪ Mamas, don't let your babies
Grow up to be cowboys ♪

♪ Don't let 'em pick guitars ♪

♪ And drive them old trucks ♪

♪ Let 'em be doctors and lawyers
And such ♪

♪ Mamas, don't let your babies
Grow up to be cowboys ♪

All right, well, let us know.

Okay, it's happening.

Laura put in our offer on the new house.

[country music playing softly]

I got a bottle of 20-year-old bourbon.

If the bank accepts,
we'll celebrate with it,

and if they don't,
we'll commiserate with it.

Either way, we'll drink it
before Colt finds it.

Yeah, I know.

If it's already half-gone

because somebody needed it
to get through a John Wayne movie,

you should definitely blame Colt.


I was back over at the ranch.

It's gotta be a disease or something.

I told you, it could be anything.

Don't get ahead of yourself.

Yeah, last week you thought
you were having a stroke,

'cause you drank your Slurpee too fast.

That can happen.

I googled it.

[footsteps approaching]

Oh, Bennett,
there's a Democrat on your land.

Mom, hey!

Oh, my gosh, it's so good to see you.

You too!

What's going on with your hair?


Hey, Mags, welcome back.

You're not getting away with that.
Come here.

Hey, Maggie,

so good to see you.

[women chuckle]

[Joanne] Mmm.

Just like a Democrat.

Can't stop hugging.

Congratulations on the wedding.

Well, to you, Beau.

So sorry, Joanne.

I know, I got a lot of that
at the reception.

Look, Ma, I hate to hug and run,
but I gotta go meet Dale.

Is everything okay at the Peterson ranch?

It'll be fine.

More importantly,
what's wrong with my hair?


it'll be fine.

Hey, can we have
a family dinner here tonight?

- Of course.
- Yeah.

I'll be here.

Hey, look, if you forgot
to get me a souvenir from Florida,

that's okay,

'cause you can just go get me
the new Call of Duty.

They did some post-production in Tampa,
so... it counts.

Mmm. I did get you a gift, Colt.

When your Aunt Karen passed,

I made a donation in your name
to the American Cancer Society.

Oh, cool!

- That's way better.
- Mm-hmm.

So how you doing, Joanne?

Beau told me about the Alzheimer's,
I'm so sorry.

Alzheimer's? What are you talking about?

Is this a joke or something?

- God damn it...
- I'm f*cking with you.

It's the only good thing about having it.

Does she give you this much sh*t?


- I love you.
- [laughs]

I'll go put some coffee on.
Oh, if I'm not back in ten minutes,

make sure I haven't
wandered off somewhere.

That's a joke, too. [chuckles]

Unless I'm not back in ten minutes.


It's good to see you.

Good to see you.

How you doing?

It sure wasn't easy losing Karen.

I'm all right.

We actually got pretty close
the last couple of months.

It's a shame she didn't get cancer sooner.

I'm sure she appreciated having you there.

Oh, thanks for saying that.

God, this still feels like home. [laughs]

I can't believe the Bennetts are leaving.

I hope you're keeping that sign that says:

"Trespassers will be treated
like large game."



Been home to the Bennetts for a long time.

I'll be here, every once in a while.

Lisa Neumann doesn't know anything
about my b*mb shelter full of beef jerky.


That's where we spent Y2K.

You were so upset
when society didn't collapse.

So how are you handling everything?

Yeah, I'm...

happy to be out of the ranching business.

Glad I'm not out there calving

and feeding cows in this sh*t anymore.

As for the house,
and the land itself, it's...


I'm glad I got to see it one more time.

Is there anything I can do to help out?

No, I think we got it handled.

But thank you.

Right now, I'm just trying to be flexible.


I drink coffee out of a Keurig,

ate gazpacho,

and Joanne and I are going to Spain.


Oh, this is, like, Joanne.
You're just screwing with me, right?


Me llamo Beau.

What the actual f*ck!

You wouldn't even eat Spanish rice
when I made it.

"The only real rice is A-Roni."

That rice is the best thing
San Francisco's done.


That, and Alcatraz.

Now, that was a prison.


- Hey.
- Hey.

How'd it go today?

Dale's testing the herd.

Said they might have trich.

Oh, sh*t.

Yeah. Just don't say anything,
I don't wanna ruin dinner for my mom.

All right.

Wait, why is there pecans
on the apple pie?

'Cause it's pecan pie?

Man, f*ck this day.

Peyton's just getting so big.

I guess she grew out of that
"I'm with Hillary" onesie I got her.


No, actually, there was an accident.

Abby tried to put it on in front of Dad.

Luckily, she still fits in her
"Lock her up" onesie.

[Abby laughs]

She's growing so fast, though,
and strong, too.

The other day she whacked Colt
with her rattle, and he cried.

What? No.

Come on now.

Your eyes naturally well up
when you get hit in the nose.

That was involuntary.

Colt, you remember when I told you

I thought you could handle yourself
in Iraq?

That was before I knew
you got your ass kicked

by an assailant wearing a bib.

[Abby laughing]

Colt never learned to keep his hands up.

Guys! I could b*at my baby in a fight.


dinner's ready.

Good, so are we.

Good, well, then get up
and fix yourself a plate.

This isn't the f*cking Four Seasons.

Well, before we eat,
I'd like to say something.

Maggie, we're so glad you're here.

Mama bear, back in the den.

Yeah, Peyton gets another grandmother,

and Colt gets his mother,

but, more importantly,
I get another babysitter,

so Abby can get her drunk on.


Well, I'm happy to see everyone,

and Peyton's growing so fast,

just like Colt's forehead.

What the f*ck?

[Beau laughs] Oh ho ho!

Your mom is awesome.

[Maggie] Well...

I'm glad we could all
have dinner together,

'cause I have some really exciting news.

If you bought a Prius, you can
take that steak and go.


No, after the holidays,
I'm moving back to Florida.


- All right! Congratula...
- No.


What, you're moving back?

- Yep.
- Why aren't you staying here?


because I found
a really great place to live,

with some really amazing people.

It's called Sunrise Eco-Village,

which... I know you hate
all three of those words, but...

it's just an amazing place
where we all live together,

and share the resources
and responsibilities.

It's an "intentional community."

Is that what we have to call
Indian reservations now?


But during Karen's illness,

the community really took us in.

Everyone's equal, so, if you can help,

then you give it,

but when you need help, you get it.

Oh, so it's communism.

I fought that sh*t in Vietnam,
and I'll fight it in f*cking Florida.

Stop it, Beau.

It's not communism.

It's a commune.

I know this is a tough concept for you,

but it's a place
where everybody's welcome.

Yeah. I mean,
I know how it sounds, you know,

but it's not a bunch of old hippies
getting high.

Well, it's not just a bunch of old hippies
getting high.

I mean, we all work together,

and we raise our own crops,
and livestock,

so my ranching skills
actually are valuable there.

I'll tell you how it sounds.

Sounds like you're bailing on everyone
who cares about you.

What about your life here?

I'm not bailing on anyone,

y'all are still my family.

I'll come and visit all the time, but...

as far as my life here,
I'm gonna sell the bar,

and the hunting cabin, and my trailer,
and use that money for housing,

and whatever's left over,
I put into the community fund.

You're giving them your money?

Jesus Christ, Mags.

Everyone contributes.

Nobody's forcing me.

This is what I wanna do.


Have fun with your cult, Ma.

[door slams]

Forgive me, but I'm new to
these Bennett family dinners.

Is this is how they all go?

Actually, this was a pretty good one.

What's your problem?

I don't know.

My mom's moving to Florida to join a cult.

Oh, and apparently I'm going bald.

A cult, really?

If you'd listen for two seconds, Colt,
you'd see that's not what's happening.

You're the one that's not seeing
what's happening.

We're drowning.

I'm broke, Ma.

Dad's gotta sell the ranch.

My whole herd's probably got the trich.
You don't even give a sh*t!

No, of course I care.
What do you want me to do about it?

I don't know, maybe stick around,

help us out, support us,
instead of abandoning us.

Your whole family's here.

You got a granddaughter here
that you've only ever seen twice.

That's not fair, I was taking care
of my sister,

and I know you're worried about it,

but I'm gonna be a big part
of Peyton's life.

Nothing says you're gonna be
part of someone's life

like packing up your sh*t
and moving to another state.

Listen to yourself.

You're taking what I want to do
and making it about you.

Can you just see it from my point of view?

I mean, you have a new ranch,
you're moving into a new house with Abby,

your dad has retired,

and he's going to Spain with Joanne,

so everybody's living their life,
and that's great.

I want to live mine too,

it just happens to be in Florida.

Can you be happy for me?

Yeah, I'm thrilled.

You want nothing to do with your family.

That's great, coming from the guy
who's walking away.

And how's the house-hunting going?

We made an offer on a place yesterday.

Yeah? Where's it at?

Dale, you're never gonna know
where I live again.


Well, congratulations.

Oh, if you're gonna go appliance shopping,

be sure and bring a hammer.

A little ding in the floor model
will get you a nice discount.

Hey, boys!

Call me Huey Lewis,
'cause I got the news.

What, you got the test results?


Bad news is
you've got five cows with trich.

The good news is
the rest of the herd's clean.

Oh-ho! Hell, yeah!

Boy, we got another great episode
of Garrison Vet, huh, Dale?

Whoa now.

Let's be clear on one thing.

That is my deal.

I've been b*rned before.

I had the idea for The Matrix one day

when I couldn't decide whether to take
NyQuil or DayQuil.


How have I only got five cows with trich?


I mean, when Melissa Stevens
got the herps in high school,

my whole class ended up with it.

I mean, our valedictorian speaker
was a Valtrex rep.

It was Lisa Neumann's bull.


What were the tag numbers
on the five cows that tested positive?

Let's see here... uh, 243,

That's the five cows that got impregnated

by Lisa Neumann's bull
when it was on our land.


I'm the one who brought it over here.

No way you could have known.

I'll tell you this,
if we'd known about Melissa,

we'd have taken the yearbook photos
at the beginning of the year.

We were all dotted.


We gotta let Lisa know
she's got a bull spreading trich.

Her heifers are probably
throwing calves too,

she may not know why.

I won't do sh*t.

It could run through her whole herd
for all I care.

Look, whatever you think about her,
she's a rancher, and a neighbor.

It's the right thing to do.

I agree.

We need to get the word out,

or it'll spread throughout
the whole county.

On the other hand,
it'd mean more business for old Dale...

I'll tell you what,

you guys do what you think is right.

- [rattling]
- Oh, yeah.

You got a rattle, okay, yeah, I know.

Daddy learned his lesson on that one.

I'll take it.

Give it to me. Give it to me.

Yeah, okay, there you go.

Now, why don't we play
with this soft bunny instead?

Yeah, oh.


Good news about the herd.


We took a hit, but we dodged a b*llet.

Where you been?

Oh, well,

I was at the bar, saw your mom...

I saw the bottom of two sh*t glasses,
so I'm feeling pretty good.

I'm surprised she got any alcohol left.

Figured she'd give it all away
to her hippie friends.

Well, Hank was pretty drunk.


your mom wanted to give this
to you herself,

but she just figured you'd end up
in another argument, so...

[Peyton cooing]

Cool. A check.


Now she can be guilt-free, huh?

Tell her, "No, thank you."

Colt, she just doesn't want you to feel
like she let you down

or that she's putting her new community
before the family.

If she really wanted that,
she wouldn't be leaving.

You should actually know.
You'd never leave Peyton, would you?



Right, Peapod?


Don't you steal daddy's dip can,
you little thief!

Come on, I mean,
people got to live their lives.

Are you gonna stop Peyton
when she wants to go to college?

College is a lot different
than a cult, babe.

And, you know, if she wants to go
to one of them lame colleges

that ain't got a football team,
like Harvard,

yeah, I'm gonna stop her.

You really think your mom
wants to join a cult?

Look, I'm not trying to be mean,

but she's the smartest person
in your family, by a lot.

All right, come on, Abby,

she ain't that much more smarter than me.

Honestly, I can't believe
you're taking her side.

I'm not taking her side.

Do you really want her
to be miserable in Garrison,

instead of happy in Florida?

Ab, we're a family.

We're supposed to be miserable.

Come on, Colt.

You gotta talk to her.

I did!

- You know what she said?
- What?

The reason she's leaving
is 'cause she don't like you.


Whose side you on now?

You don't want to have a relationship
with your mom, fine, that is up to you.

[Colt groans]

[Peyton whimpers]

Wait, I think she took a pinch.


- I checked, it was full.
- Hey, let me see your mouth. Let me see!

[man's voice] The sheep says...

[sheep bleats]

The f*ck it does.

Yeah, we've got a counter offer for them.

They can shove it up their ass.

Jeez. Girl Scout cookie season again?

It was about the house.

We offered full asking price,

and now the bank wants three grand more.

The bank has owned that place
for over six months,

and suddenly on the day we make an offer,

there's increased interest
from a third party.

Any increased interest
in this third party?

It's ridiculous. I was the only one
that signed in at the open house.

I signed my name as
"none of your f*cking business,"

with my contact number as "nice try."

So, what can I do to help?


There's nothing either of us can do.

I've seen how this plays out.

The little guy gets screwed every time,
and for what?

So CEOs can get paid millions
to have yachts on the French Riviera.


The only time it was acceptable
to take a boat to France was on D-Day.

You sure this fight is worth it?

I'm sick of getting pushed around
by these greedy bastards,

I'm not giving them another f*cking cent.

No, I get that, but three grand,
spread out over our mortgage,

is only a couple of bucks a month.

Plus, we get a house we love out of it.

It's not like we're giving money

and getting jack sh*t.

Well, it's not the money,

it's the principle.

Are you sure you wanna walk away?

Absolutely, we'll find a different house.


if that's what you want,

that's what I want.

Thank you, Beau.

Sorry to drag you through
another weekend of house-hunting.

It's no problem.

I like fighting corporations
as much as anyone.

I've ignored 26 recalls on my truck.

- Hey.
- Oh, Mary!

What the hell are you doing here?

Uh, I'm on a scavenger hunt,
looking for a buzzkill.

Found him.

No, no.

Why aren't you in rehab?

I'm done.

You're done?

You have two weeks left.

No, I'm done, I don't need it!

I already b*at my addiction.

I mean, I eat, like,
a hundred Twizzlers a day,

but you don't drain
your grandkids' college fund

for Twizzlers.


This is a bad idea.

There's no way you're done.

Okay, I'm driving you back there
right now.

I was thinking we should have sex.

I'm driving you back there,
right after that.

So we'll be on the road in, like,

minute and a half?

If you're lucky.


Can I get another beer?

Hank, we're closing in, like, a minute.

Challenge accepted.



Too late to grab a beer?

As long as you're serving...

Good night, Hank.


Hey, Hank.


What, are we listing all the planets?


When are you heading back to Florida?

After the first of the year.

You know I want you to be happy, right?

Yeah, you just want me to be happy here.

Ideally, but...

it's not really my decision, is it?

Sorry about the other night.

No, I shouldn't have
sprung it on you like that.

I mean, you got a lot going on
with the ranch, and Peyton...

your hair...

Seriously, what the f*ck?

I tried to fix it.

I slept in a chair last night.

Look, I just...

I didn't think when you went down
to take care of Aunt Karen,

I was losing you for good.

You're not losing me for good, Colt.

You think I'd just walk away
and let you raise a child?

I hope not.

I just don't belong in Garrison.

You know, everybody here
is so stuck in their ways.

They can't think differently,
or try new things.

Remember when I put zucchini fries
on the menu?

A guy threw a brick through the window.

You told a bunch of drunk people
they couldn't have french fries, Mom.

What do you think is gonna happen?

You really hate it here that much?

No, I...

I've just changed.

I'm living differently.

Hell, I don't even drink anymore.


That's dumber than zucchini fries!

I don't know, it's just...

you've been away for a while.

You're back for a bit,
you realize how much you love it...

how much you fit in.

Hell, give it time,
you'll start drinking again.

That's not the only reason.

Everywhere I look, I see Rooster.

I drive up to the ranch,
I see him on the porch.

I see him on that bar stool.

Every time I hear a motorcycle,
I hope it's him.

I just can't be here all the time,
it hurts too much.


I get it.

I'm the same way.

Every time I see someone drinking a Coors,

or Coors Light...

Bud, or Bud Light...


Old Style, Pabst, Schlitz...

Okay, I get it.

You miss him too.


I do.

You know, Colt,

we're always gonna be family,
no matter where we go.

Me moving to Florida doesn't change that.

Hell, your dad could fall in love
with Spain and move there.

I thought you said you quit drinking.

I googled that place you're staying,

it's, like, 30 minutes from Disney World.

Yeah, it is.
One of our members used to be Donald Duck.

He still doesn't wear pants,
which I find a little disturbing.

Me and Abby and Peyton
could come down and visit.

You better f*cking visit! [chuckles]

I'm gonna miss you, Mom.

You're gonna see plenty of me.


You're allowed back in Florida,
aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

I just can't apply
for a fan boat operator's license.



Hey, Lisa.

Colt, what I can I do for you?

If you're asking me to invest in your dip
that whitens your teeth,

I got your e-mails,
and I'm not interested.


Just so you know,
I tested it out on a rat.

It totally works.

I wanna let you know,
I had five cows go down with the trich,


come from Neumann's Hill.

Wait, you...

You've got trich over there?


The only cows that were infected

were the ones that were impregnated
by your bull, so...

Oh, yeah, right, the one
that wandered onto your land.

Look, I don't wanna
get into that sh*t again. I just...

I'm just doing you a favor.
Your bull's sick.

I have an outbreak of trich on Iron River,

and it sounds like my bull
got it from your cows.

No, that couldn't be.
The rest of my herd's fine.

And do you have
the paperwork to prove that?

To prove that your cows were totally clean

before my bull got to them?

I mean...

No, Peterson didn't keep
very good records.

Yeah, well,

I have a record of every cow and bull
I ever purchased,

and that bull that was on your land
had a clean bill of health.

This trich outbreak came from your herd.


I don't care what you think,
I was just trying to do the right thing.

That's all very nice,
but I am out tens of thousands of dollars,

and now I know why.


You're gonna need a lawyer.

[country music playing]

♪ I don't got the money ♪

♪ That lawyers can buy ♪

♪ I don't got
My own government's laws on my side ♪

♪ But I got this old r*fle ♪

♪ That my granddaddy owned ♪

♪ And this is my prairie ♪

♪ And this is my home ♪
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