04x14 - The Good Old Table Hockey Game

[bunniefuu]

Well, what do you think?

Nice.

A vintage Jenson.

I thought it was a table hockey game.

Oh, yeah.

You're right.

Do you play?

A little.

Oh.

Well, here, then.

Let me show you how it's done.

Yeah! Ten to nothin'!

Whoo.

Thanks for showin' me how it's done.

Wow.

Am I ever a good teacher.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

What do you guys know about the DRYWA?

It's the Dog River Youngish Women Association.

Right.

They broke away from the Dog River Y.

Why?

I mean why did they break away?

Oh, something about yoga being a sin.

Well, it is pretty sexy.

So are you thinkin' of joinin' that, uh, D... D-R-Y...

D-A... W...

Yes.

And if I join, I can nominate someone

as a distinguished woman.

What's their definition of distinguished?

A woman who was on fire and they put her out.

It's a woman who has distinguished herself.

Oh, that's even harder. By helping the community.

I'm thinking of joining so I can nominate someone.

That's just a scam to get new members.

It is not. You have to be a member--

Scam. Brent?

I'm with the guy who thinks we have

a fire distinguisher in the hallway.

Even though it's the st century, I hate to tell you,

it's a man's world and women have to stick together,

and it's not a scam.

And you have to stop thinking of women only in traditional roles.

You're right.

Could you get me some more coffee?

Sure.

Here's the coffee maker that you, as a member,

would have access to.

And we have a calendar that our members can look at.

Don't write on it.

This is very impressive.

I'd like to join.

Well, that's great, Lacey.

And I would like to nominate someone for your award.

Fantastic.

You know, a lot of people nominate someone frivolously.

We don't truck with that here.

That's why we broke away from the Y, that and yoga.

Well, the person I'm thinking of has done a lot

for the community, so.

And you can't nominate yourself.

Of course not.

[phone rings]

DRYWA.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Aaah! Aaah!

Man, that was unbelievable.

I mean you wouldn't be able to b*at Brent, but--

I don't know. She's pretty good.

Yeah. But I mean Brent's the best. You know?

When it comes to table hockey, he's King of the Knobs.

That's pretty high praise, considering the source.

And they have a calendar.

But you can't write on it, which seemed fair.

Is there a coffee maker?

Now I just need to find someone to nominate as a distinguished woman.

Oh, good luck finding a distinguished woman in Dog River.

They're all a buncha stuck-up snobs.

Shame on you.

This town has a lot of thoughtful, caring women.

Stop pawin' the candy, ya little pukes.

No jaywalking.

Hi. I'm taking donations for the--

[door slams]

There. All better.

You can't nominate yourself, remember?

Oh, right.

Excuse me?

My tie's caught in the door.

I'll go with Emma.

She's the worst of the bunch.

Hey.

Karen just crushed me at table hockey.

I didn't know she played.

Yeah. And she called you a knob. You gotta go take her out.

I'll show that stuck-up cop who's a knob.

Mm-hmm.

So, uh, ahem,

why would Lacey join the DRYWA?

Oh, she wants to nominate somebody

for the Distinguished Woman of Honour Award thing.

Did, uh, my name come up?

No.

Why not?

Oh, well, you're too...

Young?

All right.

Well, that was easier than I thought it would be.

So you won the game?

No. I meant walkin' here from the Cop Shop.

I thought it was further.

Karen stomped me at table hockey.

Karen plays table hockey?

Cool.

I'm gonna go over there and give her an old school shelackin'.

And if I see your dignity in the ditch,

I'll pick it up for ya.

Oh!

And I win again.

Wow, you're--

Really good at table hockey and should play Brent?

So, do you have someone to nominate?

Yes, I do.

Emma Leroy.

Emma?

What's she done for the community?

Uh...

I would hate to see you nominate someone without reason.

That's a debacle from which few youngish women recover.

It is all gonna work out.

You'll see, when you get the nomination, she has done lots.

Okay.

Okay.

What have you done for the community lately?

Pardon?

Well, you know, what have you done for the community,

Oh.

What about "How's the weather?" or "How's your health?"

Sorry. How are you feelin'?

Good. Can't complain.

Okay. And what have you done for the community?

So Karen won. She must be okay.

She has a different style of game, very disciplined.

I just dump it into the corners.

She passes. It's amazing.

Your way's the old-fashioned way. You're outta touch.

She's the best in Dog River.

Could be.

She's not the best. Brent's the best.

You better be prepared to put your money where your mouth is,

where your Karen is, put Karen where your mouth is.

It doesn't really matter.

Oh, big talk, tough guy. Karen's gonna destroy you.

Destroy him?

That's a little dramatic, don't ya think?

It just kinda slipped out.

You scared now?

No. I'll play.

Brent will destroy you.

He's a terrifying table hockey monster.

Hey, look.

These little guys got moustaches. [giggles]

a best of seven series,

four games at the Police Station,

four games at Oscar and Emma's.

That's eight.

Fine. You want eight games, you're on.

LACEY: Have you guys ever noticed

how many great things Emma does around here?

Since when?

Around town. You know?

Has she... ever done anything that-that really stood out?

Well, she does have that red jacket.

That's true, she does have that jacket.

Looks pretty sharp. And warm.

Great. Thanks for your help.

What are you doin'? Checkin' my pulse.

Duh? It's on your wrist.

So, uh, trainin' for the big match?

Well, I run normally, but I guess it could help.

You're like a machine. How far do you run?

Down to the thing.

It's like a science with you.

Mm-hmm.

Whoa.

I've just seen the new face of table hockey.

Why not the best of seven?

It's a Davis math issue. Don't worry. We'll crush 'em.

How's the training goin'?

What are you doin'?

I'm gonna tape this series for posterity.

It's gonna be big.

That's a state-of-the-art camera you got there.

VHS, baby.

What? This is you preparing? 'Cause Karen was joggin'.

Jogging?

She's good. She doesn't know where her pulse is, but--

Karen's jogging.

What are you doing?

I hadn't thought about it.

I'm pretty sure it won't be jogging.

STOMPIN' TOM: ♪ Hello, out there, we're on the air ♪

♪ It's Hockey Night tonight ♪

♪ The tension grows... ♪

Wow. A lotta people showed up.

It's our national pastime.

Well, a miniature version of our national pastime.

So you've trained pretty hard.

I heard you been joggin'.

I heard you been drinkin'.

Well, I don't want to brag.

Okay, people, there's too many of you down here.

You'll have to clear out.

You're throwin' my boy off his game.

[crowd groans]

[claps]

I could run a cable from this up to the TV upstairs.

They can watch up there and I could stay down here

and sh**t it.

That's a great idea, aside from you staying.

Thanks.

So, you're nominating Emma because she's a nice lady

and she has a red jacket.

And you'll notice that's my own printing.

I have very neat printing.

I hope this isn't a joke nomination.

Because I went to the wall for you.

There was talk of you being allowed to write Oh.

No. No, it's-it's just that Emma has done so much,

that I'm, um, I'm putting it all on a separate sheet.

In fact, today, uh, Emma's doing Meals and Wheels.

Isn't that Meals on Wheels?

Uh-huh.

You ready?

Yeah, now that Hank put his shirt back on.

Why? There's always a streaker.

Just drop the puck.

[dramatic classical music]

♪

Why is this in black and white?

It's Hank. It wasn't Hank. I hooked it up.

And it doesn't work right? Hmm.

Now my whole world makes no sense.

[doorbell rings]

[crowd groans]

[doorbell rings] I'll get it.

I'm trying to watch the hockey game.

But I signed us up for Meals and Wheels. What?

It'll be fun.

I've got the meals and the wheels.

This is for the community.

You can't coast on that jacket forever. Jacket?

Those sandwiches look good.

This isn't what I had in mind.

Oh. Is that roast beef?

Hah! You lose!

[breathing hard] I'm just lulling ya... into a false...

I gotta lie down.

You-you b*at Brent.

You're Queen of the Knobs.

Please don't call me that.

Yeah, Brent came out strong, but faded at the end.

He's got to intensify his training.

Hey, Brent, you think you should be here drinkin'?

Where should I be drinkin', at the playground?

Oh, fine, play it your way.

Hey, Brent, do you think you should be here drinking?

This is the worst intervention ever.

You should be at home resting.

What are you, my mother?

You should be at home resting.

What are ya, my annoying employee?

I'm gonna have a coffee, if that's okay.

I'll say this for your training regime.

You keep up your fluid intake.

I guess you have to wash down the jelly doughnut.

It's Bavarian Cream.

Bavarians are very good at hockey.

WANDA: And there goes Karen jogging.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh. And there's Hank running right behind her.

What is that about?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are ya doin'?

I used to really admire you and your way of life

and I kinda modelled myself after you.

But now, I'm gonna live my life like Karen.

I have to win now, for Hank.

Maybe you should catch your breath first.

Yeah.

[breathing hard]

Caught it yet?

STOMPIN' TOM: Second period

♪ We're on the air, it's Hockey Night tonight ♪

♪ The tension grows, the whistle blows ♪

♪ and puck goes on the ice ♪

♪ The goalie jumps and the players bump ♪

♪ and the fans all go insane... ♪

That's my boy.

Sadly, yes.

Just a burger to go.

Where is everybody?

Table Hockey Summit Series.

Wow, that is really popular, for just a table hockey game.

It's not just a game. It's a way of life.

Think of those little metal kids growing up on little metal farms.

Emma should charge admission and donate the money to charity.

What charity?

I don't know. Who cares?

Your heart's in the right place.

♪ Oh, the good old hockey game ♪

♪ is the best game you can name ♪

♪ and the best game... ♪

We should take donations for charity.

Not now. Watching hockey.

Okay. I'll be by the door.

Do you have Hockey.

♪ ...first thing up and they're down across the line ♪

♪ They storm the crease like bumblebees ♪

♪ They travel like a burning flame ♪

♪ We see them slide, the puck inside ♪

♪ It's a one-one hockey game ♪ [crowd groans]

A tie? What do they mean the game's a tie.

That would never happen in a real hockey series.

♪ Oh, the good old hockey game is the best game you can name ♪

♪ and the best game... ♪ [crowd booing]

Emma, your son's an embarrassment.

He's your son too. Yeah, sadly, yes.

So, Brent, can you understand why, uh,

people are disappointed?

Look, I'm just out here-- well, down here-- tryin'--

hell, I'm tryin' my best.

And for people to boo,

I mean I'm disheartened and disillusioned.

And let's face facts. Karen is a good player.

And that's not to say I'm not out here givin' my %.

But to boo?

[crowd booing]

What are you doing?

You don't boo Brent in my house.

OSCAR: Boo!

Boo!

Yeah, you heard her.

Everyone out.

But look. Look how much money you've raised.

I don't care about some dumb charity.

Everyone out.

Mm.

?

Just watch the game, jackass.

♪ ...on the one gigantic screen ♪

♪ The puck is in. The home team wins ♪

♪ The good old hockey game ♪

♪ Oh, the good old hockey game is the best game you can name ♪

♪ and the best game you can name is the good old... ♪

Hey, one of your players is on the ice.

Oh, that's Esposito.

He fell down. That's embarrassing.

♪ Oh, the good old hockey game is the best game you can name ♪

♪ and the best game you can name ♪

♪ is the good old hockey game ♪

♪ Oh, the good old hockey game is the best game you can name ♪

♪ and the best game you can name ♪

♪ is the good old hockey game ♪♪

[cheering]

Why would I want to come with you

to the Dog River Youngish Women's Association?

You're being honoured.

I didn't tell you because it was supposed to be a surprise.

Why me?

I thought you were unappreciated.

Wow. When's the ceremony?

Tomorrow.

But that's when Brent and Karen play the final game.

Oh, but you deserve this, Emma.

This is about women coming together, honouring each other,

celebrating what it is that keeps our womanness.

I'll give ya a hundred bucks.

All righty then.

[applause]

Welcome all potentially distinguished women.

I appreciate each and every one of you being here today.

I wish I'd know sooner.

I would have bought a dress.

Oh, I know. It's such short notice for me too.

Is that a price tag?

If this game ends in a tie, then the series will be tied.

We'll have scored more goals and I'll be claiming victory.

You'll be claimin' dental surgery.

This award is...

You know, before this, I never really felt unappreciated.

Because I guess you don't feel how appreciated you are

until you get recognized for your unappreciation.

Oh, okay. Well, you don't have to thank me,

if that's what you were doing.

However, I am pleased to award this to...

Lacey Burrows.

Oh.

[applause]

Wow.

♪ Oh, the good old hockey game... ♪

What?

Davis is claiming a win if you tie!

So?

Take her down! Is there a real hockey stick around here?

Slash her shins!

Okay, let's go.

No, no, no!

That's not wholesome family entertainment.

Congratulations, Lacey.

Thanks.

I'm sorry

for dragging you out when the big game's on and everything.

But look on the bright side.

I won.

I won. They picked me.

And this dress looks so great.

My price just went up to .

All right, let's finish this.

[dramatic classical music]

♪

Yah-hah-haa-ha!

Henderson!

[crowd cheering]

Henderson!

Ya did it!

That's my boy!

Wow. I've never heard that before.

It's-it's kinda creepy.

Yeah. It reminds me of something,

but I don't know what.

Yeah. That'll go down in Dog River history.

They'll be talkin' about it years from now.

Aw, go on.

It was nothin'.

Tell us, again, about the time you won

the Table Hockey Series.

That was weeks ago, kid.

Can't you see I got a costume party to go to.

Come on, man, let's go.

What kinda costume is that supposed to be.

Old guy.

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪