05x05 - Wash Me

[bunniefuu]

Have you asked him for his phone number yet?

No, I'm just--

A fraidy cat?

I am not a fraidy cat.

A scaredy cat? Chicken cat? Chicken cacciatore? Cat Stevens?

I'll do it when I'm ready.

Well, time's ticking, cat's in the cradle.

Geez, I got a real theme goin' here.

Hey Joe.

I just, uh, wanted to let you know...

[clears throat]

I like percent milk.

Well, and percent, but mostly percent.

That's my preferred percent.

[romantic music playing]

♪

I mean I-I also like skim milk too, you know, and h*m*.

Don't get me started on h*m*. You a h*m* man, Joe?

What?

Mmm, milk.

Okay.

See ya, Wanda.

Two percent!

I think you had him at h*m*.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

OSCAR: [yelling] Emma, you forgot to buy my deodorant.

Emma!

Made for a woman.

[scoffs]

We'll see about that.

Oh, hey, Emma, remember these numbers:

, , .

Why?,

I just got this lock and I don't want to forget the combination.

Why don't you write them down?

Where should I write them down?

On a notepad or something and put it in a safe place, like a desk drawer.

I don't have a desk drawer. I got a desk, but it doesn't have any drawers.

That's a table. Yeah.

Where do you put your desk stuff?

Uh, in the kitchen drawers.

And your kitchen stuff is?

In the lock box in my truck. That's what I need the lock for.

Oh, hey. I can, uh, I can write the numbers on my truck.

, , .

DAVIS: Hey, there's my g*n.

Why's it got a flower in it?

Don't get me wrong, I like it.

I'm drawing it for art class.

It'll help me when I have to sketch suspects.

Is this the man who stole your cabbage?

Kind of. He had a hat.

And to this day the cabbage bandit is still on the loose.

No, Hank confessed.

Oh yeah.

Can I have a look?

What do you think?

Well, I'm no art critic but, uh--

[blows raspberry]

Hey.

Isn't that the guy you like,

the milk guy?

Oh, it looks like the perfect moment to get his number.

[romantic music plays]

Yeah, to a layman.

But the perfect moment never appears as the perfect moment.

No.

There's always room for error.

The right moment has to be precise and unmistakable.

Oh.

I'll know the right moment when I feel it. Yeah.

Okay, I feel it.

Dammit!

[bangs wall]

Is Mom here?

No.

Because I kinda smell a lavender or berry bouquet.

Did you hug mom before you came here?

Why the hell would I do that?

It's like Peach Sensation or Mountain Rain.

I don't have to stand here and take this abuse.

Citrus Breeze?

Whoa, you really captured Davis.

I call this Sleeping Cop.

Hey, would you mind if I hung that in The Ruby?

I've got the perfect spot for it.

Sorry about that. Oh, it's all right.

I'll just cover it up with a crappy picture or somethin'.

I'd be honoured.

Hi.

Hi.

Wow, that's a dirty truck.

Tsccht! Yeah, it sure is.

I hate dirty things.

I mean, unless you're into dirty things.

Um, I-I'm not saying I am, but, uh, I'm no prude.

Hey, watch this.

"Wash me." That's funny.

I'm a bit of a scamp.

Why did ya do that?

To be scampy.

She owes me an apology.

She wrote "Wash me" on my dirty truck.

The nerve of she.

I only wrote what the truck would write if it could write.

It's my notepad.

When it's dirty I can write important stuff to remember on it.

Like "Wash me"?

Nobody tells me when to wash my notepad, especially she.

Hey, how are things going with you and percent?

Good.

I'm laying the foundation.

You talkin' yogurt yet? Cheese?

Better move fast. We don't carry a lot of dairy products.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

That cop is totally asleep.

[chuckles]

What a lazy cop.

Ah, I shouldn't really laugh.

It doesn't help the stereotypical image of police officers.

Uh, Davis, that's you.

Oh, I don't think so.

Hey, Karen, great sketch of Davis sleeping.

Yeah, she really captured your laziness.

Why did you draw me?

I have a hard time drawing things that move.

Besides, it's your fault.

You spent an hour on duty sleeping in the car. Shameful.

Didn't you spend an hour on duty sketching him?

Hello, Joe, what do you know?

Okay?

Not original, I know. I bet you get that all the time.

No.

Really, huh?

Uh, look, I've been waiting to ask you--

Stop crying.

It's my mom. Her cat's missing. She's drunk.

Ooh.

Not the cat, my mom.

No, I'm not telling everybody you're drunk.

No, don't worry, I'll find her cat.

Here puss, puss!

Here, puss, puss!

She lives in Calgary.

Here, puss, puss!

I got your deodorant. Oh, it's about time.

I had to use yours.

What?

If you'd brought me mine in the first place,

I'd never have had to use yours.

What are you doin'?

I can't use mine now.

It's got your stink all over it.

You wouldn't dare.

, it's not for sale.

I'll give ya ten bucks. Sold.

Oh, wow.

There's a hole there.

I could do another Sleeping Davis sketch.

Yeah. How about doing one of him sleeping in a booth at The Ruby?

I'm awake.

So I'll wait five minutes.

Is it just me, or does anyone else smell hairspray?

Yeah, I do.

Oh, don't listen to him. He's talking in his sleep.

I'm awake.

Hey. Can the kids wash your truck to earn a badge?

Okay, first of all, it's not a truck, it's a notepad.

Sorry. It looks like a truck.

Second of all, I don't want it washed.

It says, "Wash me."

Now what's it say?

"Dont wash me."

Oh, I forgot the apostrophe.

Is Dad around?

No.

Really?

I smell a Musk Splash or Arctic Breeze somethin'.

[sniffs]

Geez, Hank, you think you put on enough aftershave this morning?

[sniffs] I guess I did.

Aqua Sport?

It seems like it's comin' off Mom.

Oh, pfft.

Yeah, right. Like Emma put on men's aftershave.

[sniffs] Mountain Mist?

Look, we all know that Hank put on too much aftershave.

Now it's time to leave him alone.

Shut up, Hank.

And you, you should get your nose checked.

Smokey Bacon?

No, that's the soup.

Ooo, I'll have that.

What are you doin'?

Standing at the ready, not sleeping,

waiting to help the good citizens of Dog River.

In front of a field?

I'll be standing here a little while longer

if you decided to get your sketching stuff for no reason.

LACEY: Oh, this is my favourite Sleeping Davis.

Look at the sun glistening off the morning dew.

That's drool. He's a deep sleeper.

What the hell is this written on your truck?

"Pay taxes"?

No, the other thing.

Oh, "Be more considerate to the elderly"?

No.

Come on, old man, tell me. I don't got all day.

The "Don't-don't wash me."

There's only one "don't."

No, there's another "don't" here.

It's a double, uh, whatchamacallit.

It's a double wrong.

Wanda!

You know, he's gonna think I did that.

SCOUT LEADER: So you do want your truck washed.

Geez, you guys are like vultures.

Someone smells pretty.

It's him.

Uh-uh!

"Don't, don't, don't wash me."

Don't use "don't" anymore.

Can't? Shan't?

Shant'nt?

Musn't?

Ah, forget it. It's gonna rain later, anyway.

Smells good.

Well, aren't you gonna eat it?

No. You see, my smell is off, so I'm thinkin' if it smells good,

there's probably somethin' wrong with it.

The food might be off?

The food's fine.

Did someone say the food is off?

I did.

The food's fine. His smell is off.

Hi.

Hi.

You smell like a spruce tree.

It's not me. It's a--

Okay, it's me.

You want a wash?

Wow, these things are really moving.

You should have a show here.

You sure people have enough holes to cover up?

Karen, they don't have to be just cover up holes.

Cracks, dents, any blemish, really.

What is that?

Don't ya love it?

Nice.

I was there for three hours

and you choose to sketch the two hours I was sleeping.

Hey, uh, Joe, I was wondering, um...

It's gonna rain. I've gotta park my truck here.

Well, Wanda, you were, uh, about to ask me something?

Yeah, I was, uh--

I just--I was gonna ask you for your phone number,

so I could give ya a call sometime.

Oh, ho, ho, boy, did I arrive at the right time.

I thought you didn't like me.

No, no. I like you.

Like ya like like him? Huh?

Ow!

Okay, okay. Oh!

Got a pen?

Yeah. Go.

--...

Hold on. Stupid pen.

Sometimes it just, you know-- Come on!

Just tell it to me.

Okay, - , ----

That's my home number. Why don't I give you my cell.

--, ---.

Okay.

Oh, sorry, those last numbers are -.

Okay.

I'll see ya later. Okay.

Okay, I get it. I sleep a lot.

No, no, no, no. It's for a show at The Ruby.

There's gonna be free wine and cheese,

and you get to meet the real Sleeping Davis, if you show up.

Oh, sure.

All right, I'll show up.

Really? You'll come?

[deep voice] Oh, yeah, I'll be there.

You sounded kinda sinister when you said that.

Huh.

[normal voice] No, no, no, I'll be there.

[deep voice] Don't you worry.

Mm, you sounded sinister again.

I didn't mean to.

[brightly] I'll be there.

[deep voice] Bye.

You can't park your truck by the pumps.

But it's gonna rain.

No. I smell the opposite of what I normally smell.

And I smell rain, so it's not gonna rain.

Oh, a double wrong, like a "don't, don't, don't."

Just move your notepad before I have it towed and shredded.

[engine starts]

Where's Hank's notepad going?

[thunder booms]

Thunder?

Great, now there's somethin' wrong with my hearing. Oh!

[thunder booms]

Your razor's no great shakes.

I had to use it three times today.

Blade's that dull, uh?

Eh?

So, we agree not to use each other's stuff from now on?

Done.

Stop using my moisturizer!

What happened?

Scouts got to it.

Those selfish bastards!

I think they did a terrific job.

Joe's number was on that truck.

Relax. I backed everything up, wrote it all down.

Do not say on another dirty truck.

No, on a notepad, a real notepad.

It's in my lock box.

I underestimated you, which I didn't think was possible.

All I gotta do is get the combination number

that I wrote down on my...

truck.

[chuckles]

Classic.

We're not using each other's stuff anymore, right?

My word is my bond.

Good.

Because I bought this new shampoo,

and it's really expensive,

and I don't want you using it.

Sure thing.

[Oscar screaming]

What is it, Oscar?

What's in that shampoo of yours, the one that I'm not using?

That's hair remover. Did I say shampoo?

You don't wanna be using that on your scalp.

It could be very painful.

I hear ya.

Oh!

Ah!

You keep knives and forks in there?,

Uh, anything kitchen-y, really.

[sniffs]

Dad?

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I'm happy to smell ya.

Oh, get your nose offa me.

Mom.

Yes, nailed it in one sniff.

Oh, when did you get so weird?

Mom smells like mom, Dad smells like dad.

[sniffs]

This chili cheese dog smells like the way angels up in heaven smell.

My sniffer's workin' again.

[sniffs]

Maybe mine's off, because I smell hair remover.

Oh, there's the number, right there.

There's only six digits.

What?

Hm?

Well, this isn't a phone number. What?

This is the combination of my lock.

The combination of the lock was locked

in the lock box that the lock was locking.

Classic.

BRENT: Hey, look, everybody, it's Sleeping Davis.

[cheers and applause]

I'm afraid I'm here on official police business.

I have to shut this exhibition down.

What? No, no, no.

No, he's just grumpy.

You probably didn't have your nap.

Oh, I had my nap. That's why I'm late.

Okay, I get it. You're a little upset about the sketches.

But there's no need to shut this down.

The Ruby doesn't have a liquor licence and you're serving liquor.

Come on, Davis, don't make this sound like a sleazy booze can.

Lacey has a licence.

Show him the licence, Lacey.

[nervous laugh]

Well, I-I don't have a licence.

Okay, everybody, you heard Sergeant Davis.

We're shuttin' this dump down.

Dump?

Have you seen the holes in the wall?

All right, everybody, let's blow this dump.

Hey!

I mean sleazy booze can.

I mean let's go to the bar.

All right, single file, let's go.

Keep 'er movin'.

Yeah, nice and orderly, nice and orderly.

Yeah.

Let's not linger, now, let's not linger.

Hello, Joe.

The Milk Delivery Guy?

It's me, Wanda.

Wanda? Oh, from the gas station.

Oh, what's it been, like two years since I saw ya?

Yeah. You stopped coming by.

I got transferred to a new route. You never called me.

Yeah, I know. I lost your number.

But I knew I'd figure it out eventually.

So, what's new?

Well, I'm married now, got a couple kids.

Oh?

How about you? You still crazy about milk?

Mmm, milk.

What's that?

Two percent!

How'd that work out?

Wrong number.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪