05x14 - Contagious Fortune

[bunniefuu]

Hey, whose Coke is this?

Hey, who drank my Coke?

Oh, I drank it.

Sorry.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

What the hell is this? Dog River dollars.

It's just a fun little idea I came up with.

It's pretty original, actually. Every time you buy something, you get Dog River dollars

and you can spend them anywhere in town.

You mean like Canadian Tire money?

It's pretty different, more original.

You mean like Disney dollars?

Yorkton dollars?

You're missing the point.

The point is, it's fun and somewhat original.

I don't want them. But it's fun.

No, it's not. It's annoying. I don't want it.

No.

Yes, it's fun. I'll take them.

No.

They're mine.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ray Charles.

Where?

Don't play any of your crazy boogie-woogie music in here, Mr. Cool.

Oh, I'm not wearin' these to be cool.

There's somethin' wrong with my eye, all puffy and itchy,

hard to look at the sun.

I think it might be time to get glasses.

Looks like you have conjunctivitis.

What? Oh, man, how long have I got?

I wish. It's just pink eye.

Just pink eye?

That's like saying it's just-- it's just--

All right, it's just pink eye. But, still, Hank, get out.

Aw, come on. You're overreacting.

This is no different than when I wanted to watch the football game

at your place and you kicked me out 'cause I had the flu.

Get out. Go watch the football game somewhere else, ya flubug.

Or whoever kicked out who.

This is no different, that's my point.

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. Eeuw, knock it off.

What? I'm just pickin' my eye with a chocolate bar.

Get out. Drop that and go.

[ominous music]

You better You better.

No, you.

No, you.

Hey, guys, what will ya have?

Uh, I'll have the fruit bowl with yogurt.

Okay. And Davis? I'll have that too.

You know what? I'll be hungry in an hour.

I'll get the bacon and eggs instead.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Make that two bacon and eggs, no fruit bowl.

Okay. And to drink? Geez, I don't know.

I'll get a glass of orange juice.

Me too.

What are you doing? I'm ordering my breakfast.

No, you're copying everything I'm ordering.

Yeah. And you're starting to dress alike too.

What kind of toast do you want with that?

I'll have rye. Whole wheat.

Change mine to whole wheat.

Oh, look.

They have those chip clip things and they're Dog River ones.

That's cute. Is it?

Yeah, we should get one.

Fine. We'll take one of these, uh, chick flicks.

Oh, sorry, those are promotional items.

You can't use real money, only Dog River dollars.

But I've only got Dog River dollars.

Don't ya have any dip sticks that don't say Dog River?

We've got Dog River dip sticks.

I want a chip clip.

Well, if you spend dollars worth of groceries,

I can give you Dog River dollars back.

I'm not spending bucks to get some stupid zip grip.

We'll come back when we got more Dog River dollars.

You better hurry. I want a clip for my chips.

[clears throat]

Hey. Check out the cool cat.

But I might keep wearin' these around after my pink eye clears up.

You have pink eye? Yeah. I got booted out of Corner Gas.

They were actin' like I had the plague.

Ah, what's their problem? Pink eye's no big deal.

Hey, guys, just so you know, Hank has pink eye.

So you might not want to get too close to him.

Kick him out and burn his clothes.

You don't have to do that. Just kick him out.

No, no, no, hey! No, it's okay. It's just--

The doctor gave me these eye drops.

It's supposed to clear it up pretty quick.

They taste awful, though.

Hank, I think that's supposed to go in your eye.

Orange juice in my eye?

[laughs] I don't think so.

No, you.

No, you. No, you.

Just the gas.

Ooo, and maybe this chocolate bar.

Ooo, a chocolate bar sounds good.

I'll have one too.

You know, the one on the floor is on sale.

But it's on the floor.

That's why it's on sale.

We're havin' a special today on floor bars.

Fine. I'll just get some gum.

Ooo, gum sounds good. You got any floor gum on sale?

You're copying me again.

No, I'm not. I did not know I wanted gum until you got some.

Good news. Free floor bar with every gum.

No, thanks.

I need three more of these Dog River dollars.

I can't just give them to you. You have to buy something.

I'm trying to buy a stupid chip stick.

You mean a chip clip. Those things are great.

And you know what? You don't have to just use them for chips.

Broken Ziploc bag, chip clip it.

Cookie bag, chip clip it. Open bread--

I get it. Just give me the Dog River dollars so I can buy

whatever the hell you're talkin' about.

If you get a coffee, a muffin, and breakfast specials, I can give you Dog River dollars.

I don't want all that crap.

I'm sorry, but I don't make up the rules.

Although in this case I guess I do.

This is fun, huh?

Can I use your photocopier?

Knock yourself out.

Now where's the on this stupid machine?

[copier whirring]

Oh. Oh.

Hold on, now.

Wait a minute!

All right. There's the stupid chip dip ya wanted.

I wanted a chip clip.

You can't clip chips with this.

I can dip chips, but what do I do with the leftover chips?

Sometimes I wish you just liked nuts.

Okay, here we go.

And don't forget,

you get some Dog River dollars back after this.

Oh, how could we forget when you remind us every seconds?

I thought you were ordering fries.

I was, but I changed it to soup.

When you were in the washroom.

Can I have some soup, too?

Sure. But I'll have to throw out perfectly good fries.

I'll take them.

You can have my soup. You can't do that.

Tell ya what. I'll bring you both soup and fries.

Sounds good.

I'll get a chocolate shake.

Okay, chocolate shakes.

He's gonna order it anyway.

That's true, Karen. It's true.

Fine. Then I want carrot cake. Me too.

And a turkey sandwich. Sounds good.

Fantastic.

No, no, no. You get out!

No, wait! I got great news!

Yeah? Tell your story walkin'.

Move! No! Ah!

There's somethin' I gotta tell ya. Ow! Go!

Yeah, get out!

WANDA: And stay out, ya sicko!

I'm surrounded!

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. This is allergies.

[knocking] Mine's cleared up. Look.

Well, why didn't ya just say that?

I was leadin' up to it.

It's not somethin' ya just blurt out.

Okay, it's not that bad. Look.

No, no! Get back! Back up!

Back up!

Stay back!

And stay out, I mean in.

Ah, crap, now she's in the store.

[yelling] It's not pink eye!

It's very dusty in here!

Okay, get back! Get back!

Whoo-oo-whoa! Ah, ju-

Don't touch anything, just go! Get!

Ah, maybe I was too tough on her.

I too was once like her. Short and angry?

Hey, Yarbo,

I'm comin' back for you.

You made me like this!

I'll be back.

For you.

Short and creepy?

Where were you?

Just doing a little shopping. You know how I love shopping.

You hate shopping.

Love shopping.

Check out all the things I got.

A chip clip for you.

New comb for me.

Pair of suspenders for me.

Green hat for me.

Another green hat.

Blue hat. That was an impulse buy.

Where did you get the money for this?

Tut-tut-tut, my love.

I haven't forgotten about you.

The chip clip is just the beginning.

Oh, Oscar,

they're beautiful.

Now what were you asking me?

Who the hell knows?

What are you doing?

What?

Karen, swinging handcuffs is my thing.

It's what I'm known for.

Really? I thought you were known for copying my food orders.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Yeah? Well, imitate this.

[whiny voice] Mmeeah, mmeeah, mmeeah.

I'm Davis and I can't order my own food.

That's not very flattering. But it's sincere.

What's going on? Let me in.

Ask her what she wants.

What do ya want?

A loaf of bread. A loaf of bread.

Ask her why she's wearin' sunglasses.

Why you wearin' sunglasses? It's bright out.

Says it's bright out.

Tell her take them off.

Take off the sunglasses.

Oh, for crying out loud!

It's okay, she's a white eye.

Sorry about the extra security.

Wanda's been in here with the pink eye.

Oh, really?

I think I'll just get my bread at the Co-op.

You missed a spot.

Geez, how did you get in here?

Though The Ruby. D'er,

Hank, Wanda's breached the perimeter.

What? How?

Through The Ruby. D'er!

Sorry. She got past me.

[ominous music] That's right.,

I said I'd be back.

[evil chuckle]

You can't stop my pink eye revenge.

Go, my pets!

Spread your pink path as I have commanded you!

[mumbles evilly]

Sheesh, a little dramatic.

Well, like "breach the perimeter" is your everyday lingo?

All right, that's it. Go! Get out!

Brent!

No, don't send her over here!

HANK: Sweep, sweep! Hurry hard! Hurry hard!

Oh!

Oh, this isn't over.

We'll be back.

We?

Me... and my pink eye!

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!

Hah-hah!

Tricked you.

I gotta go change my pants.

EMMA: Oh, look at that.

Don't you just love it? She's okay.

But I like the one with brown hair.

Oh, not the mannequin, the blouse.

It would go perfectly with that pair of pants

the brown-haired mannequin's wearing.

You want that blouse? You got it, baby. Aw.

Aaw!

Hey, don't be sad.

There ya go. Get yourself a brand new ice cream cone.

This will only get me one scoop.

That one had two.

No problem.

You remind me of me, when I was a kid.

This isn't enough for a waffle cone.

b*at it, ya little punk.

Kids today have no Yeah.

Yeah.,

Here you go.

I trust you take Dog River dollars?

Sorry, I'm not accepting these.

Oh, come on, Brent.

Everybody's on board with the program, even your dad.

But it's a fake.

Well, of course it's fake. It's a Dog River dollar.

No, it's a fake fake.

See? There's a hair or a cr*ck

or a hairy cr*ck on the elevator.

Harry cr*ck. Good one.

So, what, it's a-- it's a counterfeit.

Yeah. See?

No hairy cr*ck, hairy cr*ck.

All right, you know what? I'm gonna let you two grow up

and then maybe you'll realize how serious this is.

Yeah, the town could be screwed outta tens of dollars.

Who would stoop so low?

You sure do have a lotta photocopying, Oscar.

I sure do.

Uh-oh.

How did you--

Wanda's inside! She's breached the pedometer!

Stop screaming! My pink eye's gone.

It is?

Oh.

I guess I can hang out, then.

No, wait.

Now I have a bad case of tuberculeprosy.

As long as it's not pink eye.

Oh, hey, great news. Wanda's pink eye's cleared up.

Oh, that is great news.

The whole g*ng's back together, all of us without pink eye.

What's with the gear?

I just came from the pool.

Thought I'd go for a quick swim before work.

Boy, that chlorine sure irritates your eyes, though, huh?

That's why my eye's red.

Good for you. Man, I really should swim more. Me too.

Except there is no pool in Dog River.

I know that. I went to the pool in Moose Jaw.

Lotsa chlorine, though. That's why my eye's red.

So what you're sayin' is that you woke up,

drove to Moose Jaw this mornin' just to swim?

And that's why my eye's red.

Good for you. Oh, you're so motivated.

Motivated to spread your filthy, dirty eye goo!

He's got pink eye!

Really? Didn't the chlorine bug your pink eye?

Get out, you contagious freak!

Me? You were rubbin' your eyeballs all over everything in here!

I probably got this from you!

You're welcome!

Karen, Davis, I'm so glad I caught you.

What's up? What's up?

I think someone might be counterfeiting the Dog River dollars.

Wow, counterfeits, eh? Wow, counterfeits, eh?

What's with you two? What's with you two?

Sorry, I'm supposed to be copying Davis. Sorry, I'm supposed to be copying Davis.

Hah! Score! Hah! Score!

Oh?

You two are too busy copying each other,

so I'll deal with this myself.

She's copying me. She's copying me.

I'm leaving. I'm leaving.

Who's she copying?

Emma, that's a nice blouse. Is that new? Mm-hmm.

And your earrings?

Oscar bought them for me.

Really? Wow. Is it a special occasion or something?

He doesn't need a special occasion to buy me nice gifts.

Oscar,

the same man who bought you a stapler for your anniversary?

[honking]

Oh. There's my candy man now.

I wonder what he got for me today.

Here,

buy yourself something... nice.

Wow, so many choices. Wow, so many choices.

Okay, I won't copy what you eat anymore.

Just stop copying what I say.

Okay, I won't copy what you say. Just stop copying what I eat.

Are you agreeing with me or copying me?,

I'm agreeing with you.

This is hard.

Just pick something.

There's so many choices.

Daily special.

Okay. I'm having pork chops.

Okay, can I take your order?

What's the daily special? Pork chops.

All right.

What?

[ominous music]

Are the front doors locked? Yeah, we're locked down.

[clattering]

What's that?

Back door, back door! Oh!

[phone ringing]

You get that!

Hello?

BRENT: Hi, Hank. Nice work.

But you look a little tired.

He can see us!

Tell Wanda she dropped a hair elastic.

Wanda.

Oh, geez, you scared me!

He says you dropped your hair elastic.

Who said that?

He did. Oh, geez!

How did you get in here?

You forgot about the bathroom window.

Which is a pretty tight fit for a pounder.

Do we have any bandages?

Get out!

No. You come here!

[high-pitched, horror music]

I claim this gas station in the name of pink eye.

Okay. Well, the cooler needs restocking and the toilet's plugged.

You wanna get a beer?

Sure.

Hm, didn't think that through.

That was a delicious meal, Lacey. Thank you so much.

I think you'll find a generous gratuity there.

Well, thank you.

Now if you'd like to pay me for it.

Well, I just did.

Yeah? Well, your money has a hairy cr*ck on it.

[laughs] Good one, Lacey.

What, is everyone around here ?

It has a hair that looks like a cr*ck on the grain elevator.

What the hell are you talking about?

Oscar has been counterfeiting the Dog River dollars.

It was their photocopier, so technically they're to blame.

He's got a point. No, he doesn't.

We didn't know he was copying the money.

She's right. We didn't know he was copying the money. You copying me?

So you and Emma were behind this whole thing.

How dare you accuse us of this.

It was just Oscar. Way to sell me out.

You were happy enough when you were swimmin' in chip clips.

You only bought me one.

So that's why you turned me in?

Pretty petty, Emma. Now I'm goin' to jail.

No, you're not.

Because I've got somethin' else in mind for you.

What are you doing in here?

I thought this is what you meant.

No. I want you to pay me back in real money.

Oh. Okay.

But you're gonna owe me for doin' the dishes.

methin'?

Oh, man, those were crazy times.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪