06x01 - Full Load

[bunniefuu]

Licence, registration. What'd I do?

You didn't fix your broken tail light.

I told ya like a thousand times.

Exaggerations. Maybe times.

Like million times.

How will people know when you're stopping?

They hit the back of the truck. That's how I broke the light.

I'm impounding this vehicle.

Ya come to the station with a new tail light

and you can have it back.

How are ya gonna drive both vehicles back?

I'll follow you.

Hey, don't rear end me. My tail light's broke.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

BRENT: Knock, knock.

I come bearing gifts.

It's my old MP player.

What's an empty tree player?

MP. It stands for music playing...

.

Oh, right. So I plug it into the radio?

No.

Well, I'm not signing up for any record-of-the-month clubs.

This is harder than it should be,

and yet not harder than I expected.

I already filled it with a buncha country superstars.

There's at least three guys named Hoyt on there.

Oh, it's not working.

[talking loudly] Oh, it's one of these things!

Oh, it'll be great to have one of these!

What station is this?

All right, uh, the next item up for bid is item and--

You did already.

No. That was item number , the, uh, the bag of, uh--

It wasn't a bag, it was a box.

It was a box of bags, item and you got cents for it.

This is the worst police auction ever.

Just get to the big ticket items.

I am going in order so I don't get mixed up.

Okay, item .

Let the eating contest begin. Here are the perogies.

[inhales]

Oooh, I like those.

Yeah. I was up all night

blending the potato and cheese just right.

Two kinds of cheese, three kinds of potatoes.

There's three kinds of potatoes?

You sure you grew up in farm country?

Yeah. But it was after TV was invented,

so I didn't hit the plough a lot.

Wow. So how many of those you gonna eat?

Oh, no, no. Brent's not allowed to enter the eating contests.

Why? Are you some kinda pro or somethin'?

No, I'm not a pro.

But the pros know who I am.

No, no one will enter if I enter, so I entered you.

You entered me?

We should probably change verbs before this gets weird.

You put my name in the contest? Why would you do that?

Lacey in an eating contest?

Hah.

See? Huge laughs.

That is so gross. There is no way I'm doing that.

People shoving huge gobs of dough in their face

as fast as they can, butter running down their chin,

sour cream in their eyebrows.

I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now.

This is stupid.

Doctor said I was supposed to eat some salad, not just salad.

Lettuce has no vitamins or anything, ya know?

I could die if I only eat this.

[yelling] You might notice a lotta lettuce on your plate!

Doctor says it's good for ya!

Can you even hear me with those ear bugs in your head?

Oh, it's an MVP player. Brent put some records on it.

Quit yellin'!

I'm two feet away from ya.

I got it on shuffle.

You can never tell what song's going--oh, I like that!

No. I'm sorry, but I'm not doing this.

It's disgusting.

You're going to lose.

I'm not going to lose, because I'm not doing it.

O-kay.

When I count to three,

everyone start cramming your perogy holes.

One.

You're finished. Lighten up.

Two. Bring it on!

Three!

I'm starvin'. I can't live like this.

Are you gonna listen to that stupid tape recorder all day?

Okay, then.

I'm gonna eat a ham sandwich. Is that okay with you?

A big ham sandwich,

with mustard and mayonnaise

and maple syrup and bacon and butter and leftover apple pie.

Just let me know if you'd rather I didn't.

All right, then.

I can't believe this.

How about a big hand for this year's perogy pig,

Lacey Burrows!

[applause and grunting]

Who woulda thought inside that skinny little frame

lived a heart of a giant gluttonous porker.

I am not a porker.

I just ate perogies in under a minute.

Oh, my God, I am a porker.

Put on the nose.

That is not gonna happen.

How could you have sold Hank's truck? It wasn't on the list.

There were floor mats on the hood and I thought the truck went with the mats.

What happened to my box of bags?

I got cents for that.

Hey, the world's safe again. I, uh, got the new tail light.

Yeah. Uh, about that, um--

how should I put this?

Karen sold your truck.

You sold my truck?

To who?

[tires squealing]

There are no words to describe how pleased I am with myself.

[honks]

[tires squealing]

Wow, you can eat.

I had no idea you could unhinge your jaw like that.

I think I saw you on the Discovery Channel.

Hey, champ. So how'd ya like those perogies?

Pretty tasty, huh?

Honestly, I was eating so fast I didn't taste a thing.

Oh, I see.

I'm glad to know I wasted my Friday night cookin' those up

when I coulda been...

I coulda been...

anyways, I wasted my time.

It's an eating contest. What did ya think was gonna happen?

I'm never cookin' for one of these stupid contests again.

Hey, how many doughnuts could you eat? Like ?

Ah, hey.

Oh, hey, Hank.

Just out for a walk?

Man, I gotta hand it to ya. Ya pulled off a good gag.

Which gag?

You know, the old I'll-pretend-to-own- Hank's-truck-for-a-while gag.

It's good stuff,

good stuff.

The thing is, I really do own it, therefore it's not a gag.

You know?

Oh, sure, it's funny and clever and...

highly enjoyable on a lotta levels, but it's no gag.

All right, fine, you own it.

Now sell it back to me.

I wish I could.

But you can't afford what I paid for it.

Sold, for $!

Yes!

You're right. Where am I gonna get that kinda dough?

Maybe you could enter a walk-a-thon,

Christopher Walken ,

Joaquin Phoenix.

[laughs]

Johnny Walker.

Wait, wait, wait!

If you're gonna be drivin' my baby around,

there's some things you should know, like, uh,

the radio gets better reception if you hold the steering wheel

with one hand on top.

The-the headlights won't work if you got it in low gear.

Oh. And, uh, what does this crank do?

[truck starts]

Oh, hello, Emma.

Listen, I was thinking I might eat this whole jar of jam.

If you don't think it's a good idea, just let me know.

I'm really starting to enjoy our little chats.

[chuckles]

Hey, do you have any brown sugar?

What's the matter, you eat all your inventory?

I heard you can really pack away the chow.

She was incredible.

Wow, you know how to make a lady feel special.

She could probably shovel back more than you.

Okay, let's keep our feet in reality. I'm just sayin'--

She can't eat more than me.

Hmm. Maybe I could.

I guess we'll never know.

Is that jam on your face?

♪ You can't fix a broken heart with a splint ♪

[yelling] Oh, hi, Karen!

Oh! Oh.

It's MD player.

Ah. Is it all stuff like that?

Oh, you mean country?

Not the word I woulda used, but sure.

You need to step into the now,

or get to where you can see the now.

You know how to inload records into this thing?

I think I know what you're saying and I can hook you up.

I wouldn't give her that, Emma. She might auction it off.

Now normally at this point I would drive off in anger,

but Karen sold my truck,

so I'm walkin' off in anger.

Okay, you and me, anytime, anyplace.

Wow. Aren't you a smooth talker.

Eating contest. People think you can eat more than me,

I want everyone to know.

Sorry. Guess it'll be one of life's great mysteries.

Who would win between Spiderman and--

Sasquatch.

Okay, Sasquatch.

First of all, are you talking about Spiderman fighting

any old sasquatch or Sasquatch from Alpha Flight?

Two completely different scenarios.

It doesn't matter, because it's not going to happen.

It's already arranged. I phoned Fitzy's grandma,

asked her to make four dozen perogies, bring them here.

Fitzy's grandma? Why didn't you ask me?

You said you'd never do it again.

I didn't say that.

You did. It was just a bit more whiney.

Walker.

Texas Ranger.

Heh, heh!

Stop it, Wanda!

Man, that never gets old.

Did I mention I was really sorry?

Hey, Mom. Enjoyin' your RQ player?

♪ And I'll be backin' my business all up in your trunk ♪

♪ You talk about TAP THAT! ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

Nobody's backin' anything up into anyone's trunk.

Where did you get this?

Karen.

She offloaded some more down-with-it tunes.

Oh. If by down-with-it you mean filthy.

You shouldn't be singin' about things you don't understand.

You put Skinamarinkydoo on here. I got no idea what that means.

What's not to get? That's right in the title.

You can hassle me all you want, I'm not giving you the truck back.

I'm not hassling you.

I'm here to inform you that I had to impound your other vehicle.

You impounded my car? Why?

Unspecified violations.

How'd ya get the keys?

I'm a cop, I have my ways.

Hey, can I have Wanda's keys?

Yeah, sure.

Do you want her wallet too?

I want my car back. I'll pay the fines.

Where's my wallet?

Ah, it's too late anyway.

You want your car, you gotta talk to the new owner.

[honks]

I can't express happy words how I feel right--I mean--

[honks]

And I don't even know if it was cooked.

[laughing]

Hey, how about a quick game of poker? Who's in?

Can't. Told my wife I'd be home early.

[scoffs] How about you, Oscar, you in?

Sure. We can even do it at my place.

I'll just call the missus and see if she minds.

[ringing]

I gave her a chance to say no.

Okay, enough jerkin' around. Let's get this outta the way.

I am not going into another eating contest.

C'mon, the people wanna see two big food suckin' hogs

goin' head to head.

Food sucking hogs?

Sorry. Hog and sow.

Ach!

Okay, how about this?

You wanna get the roof fixed, right?

Yeah. But I can't afford it.

I'll do it for ya. I'll re-tar the whole place.

I'll re-shingle the eavestroughs or whatever you do to a roof.

No expense to you if you can b*at me in an eating contest.

Okay, I'll do it.

Why not?

I just said I'll do it.

Oh.

But remember, it's me who's got the nose.

Well, it's gettin' kinda late.

Hey, no, it's still early.

Yeah. But the old ball and chain, you know how it is.

She's cool.

She is not cool.

Emma,

just yell if you want us to stop playing!

Guess we can stay.

Yeah.

Ante up.

Oh, hey, Karen.

Listen, I just wanted to say, you know,

I really dig all that music you put on my mom's MP player,

but, uh, I was thinkin' I don't know if it's that appropriate

for her, you know, with the business and the tapping and--

I mean I-I tap business all the time.

You do?

Oh, sure, in the grills and all up in the cribs and all over the place.

But if you could not put any more of that stuff on my mom's, that would be super coolio.

Whatever you say, Reverend Leroy.

WANDA: Hey, Hank,

where should I hang this?

Should I hang it from the rear-view mirror or--

Get that pervert outta my truck.

And put some pants on him.

Who, Johnny G-string?

He's as easy on the eyes as he is on the nose.

[sniffs]

[coughs]

I'll hang him on the outside mirror.

That is not cool. What?

This wasn't here before?

Okay, fair enough,

I mean if I'm gonna be sleepin' in your car.

[chuckles] That's the best you can do?

I don't wear much to bed.

I guess me and Johnny got somethin' in common.

Please tell me you're joking.

Ooo, feels pretty good on the seats.

[laughs]

Well, I gotta go.

I got a full day's work ahead of me, haulin' manure.

Gonna take a lotta trips in my little car.

You wouldn't.

And I'm feelin' pretty sleepy.

This one has some sick riffs.

They sampled a retro DMC vocal under a funk base line.

Ya hear it?

It's a toe tapper.

[ringing]

Hello? Oh. Hi, Brent.

I'm not here.

Look, what is your problem?

I'm just trying to get Emma into more contemporary music.

It's not doing her any harm.

That's for shizzle.

What'd you just say?

I'm just sayin' it's dope, dog.

Okay, I'm sending her home now.

Yeah.

[tires squealing]

You're not crappin' up my car.

Oh, you mean the Plop Wagon?

I swear, I will paint this entire truck hot fuchsia

and cover it with Hello Kitty stickers.

I guess I'm goin' to the manure farm.

Guess I'm goin' to the Japanese decal store.

Get outta the way!

No, you get outta the way!

I saw your door was open.

I'm a little busy.

Yeah, I see.

Makin' a fresh batch of perogies,

right here in your lovely kitchen.

Such a nice kitchen.

It would be a shame if somethin' should...

happen to it.

Are you trying to intimidate me?

Kinda. Is it workin'?

Not really, no.

Oh, yeah?

Then how about this?

All right, stop!

Get out of the vehicles.

Look, there is a simple way to settle this.

Yep.

Or we could just swap keys.

So, who gets the cop car?

Oh, no.

What am I gonna do with all these chili dogs?

I accidentally made them, by accident.

Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to throw them away.

I see what you're doin'.

You're tryin' to fill me up before the contest.

Go ahead, throw them out.

Fine. That's what I'll do, then.

Okay.

All right, here I go.

All right, I'll eat them.

It's not their fault.

Now, was that so hard?

[slams door]

Oh, and Wanda, if you find a pair of boxers in the back,

you'll let me know, huh?

[laughs]

See ya.

[glass breaking]

Officer, that guy's tail light is broken.

I hate this town.

My grandma just phoned.

She's not makin' the perogies.

She said somethin' about Davis and then hung up.

Davis says I can park wherever I want.

Well, it's just as well. I'm pretty full from those dogs.

I guess we'll do this another time.

No, no. I'm still the champ, so I win by default.

I got the perogies.

Great. Are you both ready?

Well, maybe we should hold off.

No, let's do it right now.

On the count of three.

One.

Two.

Three.

[eating noisily]

Winner, Brent.

How did you--

Did you just eat all that in four seconds?

I'm not sure what my time was. Anyone?

Four point six.

Not my best time. But I was pretty full.

Once again, my perogies are stuffed down so fast

no one can appreciate them. Real nice. Au contraire.

Did I taste a hint of tarragon in the butter?

You noticed.

My compliments to the chef.

You gonna finish yours?

I have never been less attracted to you than I am right now.

All right, Emma.

I'm gonna eat a whole box of fudge and wash it down with rum.

If you don't want me to, say somethin',

anything to stop me.

For the love of all that's holy, please stop me!

Oscar, I made you some dinner!

Salad?

Jalapeno and spicy Jack cheese nachos.

I wanted to make you a treat.

You've been so patient putting up with me and my headphones.

There.

How's that for backin' your junk into the trunk?

What the hell are you talkin' about?

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪