06x07 - American Resolution

[bunniefuu]

Okay, our resolutions have to be hard resolutions.

I resolve to work a little less hard next year.

What? It's got the word "hard" in there.

Hard to stick to.

Okay, fine. Um, I'm not gonna buy or read comics.

Hard enough for ya?

I'm givin' up licorice.

I'm gonna run every day, every single day.

A bit much. All ya had to do was b*at licorice.

What's your resolution this year?

I'm gonna give up chewing gum?

Mm-hmm.

Gratuitous mastication.

Hey, watch the language.

What's your resolution? Quick.

I'm gonna give up chili cheese dogs.

Wow. That is impressive.

Well, it's time I made some changes in my life.

MAN: Four... [in unison] Three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

Hey, hey.

[noisemakers and cheering]

Ah, dammit, I forgot about the chili dog thing.

Ah, well. Next year.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Is Captain America alive or dead? I can't keep up.

I don't know!

Oh, that's right. The Skrulls came and replaced everybody.

Don't!

That counts.

You telling him what happens counts as reading. I win!

As if.

Are you guys still doin' this resolution thing?

That's been goin' on for-- MALE VOICE: Six months.

--now.

Is that why the licorice is up there?

It's harder to reach up there.

Resolution or no resolution, let's keep that out. Okay?

Sure.

[suspenseful music]

LICORICE: Eat me, Wanda.

Shhhh. Patience.

Are you still running? Why don't you take a day off?

Ah, I can't.

It just seems nuts to bang up your body this way.

Hey, Hank. Did a run today already.

I think I'm ready for another one.

By the way, I hear there's some good stuff goin' on in Captain America.

Oh, too bad you can't read about it.

Anyway, see ya.

Yeah? Well, I'm outta shape and I love it.

Wow. You really told her.

Man, I'd love to b*at her. I mean, joggin's easy.

I shoulda given up joggin' every day.

She didn't give it up. She is jogging every day.

Yeah. Well, uh...

So who's left in this resolution game?

Me, Wanda, and Karen.

I guess you could call us the Triple Trio of Willpower.

So there's nine of you?

Wanda's a tough nut. I don't know if I can outlast her.

Why don't you team up with Wanda?

She wouldn't mind tying with you.

Yeah, tyin' Wanda would be cool.

Talk to her, then.

You guys could scheme against Karen and I could help.

I am a great schemer.

No, you're not.

Looks like I'm gonna have to make another pot.

You gonna have some?

Well, if you're makin' some.

Hey.

You know who works at the passport office?

Let me give ya a hint. It starts with a J.

I'm sorry, Mr. Leroy.

You were out of the country when you turned

and by law you've given up your Canadian citizenship.

Jackass.

Jackaus, actually.

Where were you when you turned ?

I was fishing in Minnesota.

Oh, so technically you're an American.

[scoffs]

That explains a lot. You do tend to fly off the handle.

I'm not American. I'm Canadian.

You have a lotta loud opinions not based on fact.

They're not opinions if they're right.

You think you should be allowed to carry a g*n. Just for skateboarders.

I think you should keep a low profile.

I'd hate to see ya deported. Well, maybe not hate , but--

It wouldn't hurt ya to start acting a little more Canadian.

Here, read this.

Captain Canuck.

I'm not reading a comic book.

See, there's that American aggression again.

[scoffs]

See? You go a little too far.

We'll see.

LICORICE: Wanda.

Wanda.

I can't hear you.

You can't really talk. You're just a piece a candy.

A delicious piece of candy.

Why won't you eat me? I'm so tasty and stringy.

Don't you think I want to?

We need to talk.

No, it's not. I mean what?

You and I need to team up.

I don't wanna lose this resolution thing

and I do not wanna lose to Karen.

I don't wanna lose to either of you.

Right. But what about tyin' me?

LICORICE: That's not a bad idea.

b*at Karen, tie Hank. Then eat me.

You smell so good.

Thanks.

Hey, Davis.

Hey. Coffee?

Ah, sure.

Thank you.

Can I have some too?

Wait a sec.

So, what can I do for ya.

We need your help. It's about my dad.

I thought this day would come.

All you have to do is sign these papers and he'll be committed.

We just wanna play a joke on him.

Oh.

You had the papers already drawn up?

I was kiddin'.

They looked official.

Ah, Karen. While you're up, can you get Brent a coffee?

Ugh. Guess I'll have to make more.

Guess so.

So, whaddaya need me to do?

Okay, here's what we do. We get a crowbar--

That was my first thought too. But I like Karen

and somehow breaking her knees just feels wrong.

I was gonna say we break in her locker, steal her shoes.

Oh. Well, that won't work. She'll just get another pair.

Mm-mm. Hank may be onto something here.

Karen wears special orthotic shoes.

This job's for professionals, and Hank.

Yeah.

I am pretty good at scheming.

[both laugh]

So, I can help?

The laughing meant no.

What if we steal Karen's shoes?

I was doin' . The speed limit's .

You were doin' miles an hour,

which in metric is kilometres an hour.

We Canadians use metric.

You are Canadian, right?

[door slams]

They're onto me. The cops are onto me.

Oh, my God.

You need to start acting more Canadian.

And don't question authority. That's American.

Canadians defer to authority.

And always say you're sorry.

But I'm never sorry.

You don't have to be sorry, just say you're sorry.

It's the Canadian way.

You're a jackass. And that jackass thing,

it does come across as a bit American.

Jack... arse?

Jack bum.

Listen, Karen.

I just wanted to say I was sorry about earlier.

That's why I called ya here.

How's that?

Good, Wanda, good. Soon you can eat me.

Oh.

Here she comes. Show time.

Oh!

We--I wanted to see what you were doing.

You called -- to see how I was doing?

That's not your home number?

Real smooth.

Shut up!

Real nice.

Hey, Davis, you know where Karen's locker is?

This isn't what it looks like.

This isn't what it looks like. That's not a crowbar?

Okay, it does look like that. What does yours look like?

Like I'm trying to have coffee, but leaving just enough

so Karen will have to make the coffee. I never woulda got that.

Can you help me break into Karen's locker and steal her shoes?

Sure. But you're not gonna say anything about the coffee?

No.

I got a key if ya want.

No.

Here you go.

Oh, sorry, Oscar. Did you want those scrambled?

Yes, I wanted them scrambled. I always have them scrambled.

Get your head outta your--

Dad.

Oh.

You know, forget it.

I'll have them like this.

Sorry to make such a fuss, real sorry.

What was that about?

I'm trickin' Dad into thinking he's American.

Oh, a scheme. Can I help?

Sorry, this scheme's important.

You can help me when I'm doin' a scheme that doesn't matter if it works or not.

You got the shoes?

Oh, yeah.

Nice.

Now all we have to do is wait for Karen not to run for a day.

Give them here, I'll hide the evidence.

The orthotics work really well.

You're wearing the evidence.

Take those off.

I-I sold my other ones.

You are a mental case.

Will you shut up for two minutes? I'm talking here!

Have you seen my shoes?

And why has the door of my locker been busted open?

Well, why don't we have some coffee

and we'll think about it?

A coffee now? I have to run.

This is no time to think about running.

Let's just collect ourselves, have a cuppa coffee.

I'm starting to think I'm the only one making coffee.

This is no time to think about coffee.

There's a shoe thief on the loose and you have to run.

Hey.

You wanna know somethin'?

I reheated yesterday's gravy and used it today.

It's kind of a scheme.

Pretty clever.

Can I cancel my order?

Look, from one schemer to another,

I saw Karen earlier and she was limping.

I'm just saying I don't think you need to team up with Hank.

[bell dings]

Anyone lose a pair a pink shoes?

Davis?

My shoes! How--

Hank took them while you were at Corner Gas with me.

So when you called me over, that was a diversion?

While not admitting guilt, I do feel somewhat responsible.

Davis, did you see anything?

I don't recall.

I thought Hank said that you'd help him steal the shoes

if he didn't tell Karen that you don't make coffee.

Or was that your own scheme?

Why do we have to rehearse?

Because you're still thinking and acting like an American.

I am not.

This has gone far enough. Brent, leave him alone.

I'm gonna go home and make up some supper

while you watch the baseball game.

Then I'm gonna make ya an apple pie for dessert.

Thanks, Emma.

Oh, Oscar, it was a test. Baseball, apple pie.

Who likes those things?

Well, fat people, that's who.

I-I-I'm not an American.

I thought you were bailin' on me.

I'm not. Just don't take it too far.

BRENT: Oh, Lacey, uh, could I get a soda over here?

A soda? What's that? You know, a soda.

I think you mean a pop. You musta been in the States,

because here in Canada we call it pop.

You coulda given me the heads-up that the scheme was gonna happen here.

I wanted it to seem real and natural.

Yeah, but I didn't know what the plan was.

So you were real and natural.

Anyway, I'm off to the restroom.

The restroom.

Oh, right. Oh, right.

Brent, here in Canada we don't call them restrooms.

We call them washrooms.

Isn't that right, everybody?

Our lawyers wear robes in court.

Just think, Hank,

in a few more hours I can eat this licorice

and you can read this comic book.

[gas bell dings]

Oh, gotta go. Can you watch the cash?

Thanks.

OSCAR: Don't touch my Canadian handbook!

I wasn't readin' it,

I was just lookin' at the stapler.

[phone rings]

I mean the phone. Hello?

Give the phone to Oscar.

It's for you.

Put the comic down.

Am I being watched?

I'm not an American!

Hey, Yankee Doodle, good news.

I was talkin' to a friend of mine over at the Canada Council.

What's that?

A friend is someone you like and spend time with.

No. What's the Canada Council?

Oh. Oh, well, that's a-- that's a Council of Canada.

You know, all things Canadian get councilled there.

Oh.

Anyway, he was talking to somebody over at the NFB--

that's the National Film Board--

and he says cases like yours are decided by the CRTC.

I've heard of them. They do hearings.

Anyway, he said there's a way out.

Actually, he said there's a way oot.

He said if you do something really Canadian,

even the CRTC can't mess with you.

You're gonna sing the national anthem at a kids' lacrosse game.

I can't do that.

Sure, sure you can.

and not yours.

Don't sing, ♪ Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light ♪

I know.

All right. I don't want you to get it mixed up

and have the wrong song stuck in your head and start singing,

♪ O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming ♪

Not, ♪ the rockets red glare... ♪

I need your help.

Ooo, is it a scheme?

No. I need you to teach me to make coffee.

HANK: I thought we were a team.

Sorry, Hank. But Karen's a stronger teammate.

Plus she's gonna collapse any minute now, so I win!

I'm gonna collapse?

You're closer to cavin' than I am. You talk to licorice.

You ratted me out to the cops?

In fact, I'd love some licorice.

Yeah, me too.

Well, then, I guess I'll just read this comic book.

Good idea, Wanda.

Oh, yeah?

Well, uh, watch me jump around on my unsore joints.

Huh-huh? I could do this for days.

I do it all the time.

♪ O Canada ♪

♪ Our home and native land... ♪

Don't you think this is too far?

I think it's just far enough.

OSCAR: Is it "glorious and free"?

Yes. And not "land of the free" or "home of the brave," as in,

♪ the land of the free and the home of the brave ♪

Not that.

So you've never made coffee before?

Well, I guess we should start from square one.

♪

But I don't think we have time for that.

It's basically one scoop per cup.

Hey, there's Gordie from Stats Canada.

Oh, this is bigger deal than I thought.

Oh, don't worry. You'll be fine.

The only way you could screw it up is if you sing the American National Anthem.

So don't do that.

This is gonna be great. We should have this on video.

Oh, you're right. I'm gonna go get my camera.

Don't sing. Brent's tricking you.

But I'm an American. No, you're not.

You just have to fill out some forms

and you'll be reinstated within a couple of weeks.

Of all the jackassy, dirty, double-crossing things to do!

How could a son do that to his own father?

Where does he get the nerve?

Okay, how's this sound?

"I, Karen Pelly, by signing this document

officially renounce my resolution to run every day."

Great. And as you sign that, I'll start readin' my comic book.

I'll eat my licorice and we can do this again next year.

Yeah, okay. Ready? One...

Two...

Three...

Sign! Read! Eat!

Whoo! I cannot wait to sleep in tomorrow.

Ah.

Hey, what's goin' on?

We had a three-way.

A three-way tie. We all quit at the same time.

But we still kept them longer than anyone in town.

Gee, what was my resolution, again?

Oh, yeah. I gave up chewing gum.

Hm. When was the last time I chewed gum?

Well, I guess it musta been before New Year's.

You haven't broken your resolution?

I guess not.

[spits]

You manipulated us.

Me? No. I'm no good at schemes, remember?

Oh, well, I guess we'll have to do this all again in-- MALE VOICE: Six months.

Where's Dad? He had to go.

But he's supposed to sing the national anthem.

The game's almost ready to go. You promised me a singer.

He's right here.

Oh, okay. I think you're takin' this a bit too far.

I think it's just far enough.

[tune of "Star-Spangled Banner"] ♪ Oh, oh, Can-a-a-da, our home and native land ♪

Sor-sorry, I'm singin' that to the wrong tune.

Sorry. I'll start over.

♪ Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early-- ♪

No, no. That's actually the American National Anthem.

I'm sorry. Let me clear my head here.

[clears throat]

[tune of "O Canada"] ♪ Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light ♪

Hang on. Does ours have rockets in it?

Are you getting this? Oh, yeah.

The CRTC are gonna love this.

I don't know why I put off learning how to make it for so long.

Well, it's really good, way better than mine.

What's your secret?

[tune of "O Canada"] ♪ O Canada, we stand on guard for thee ♪♪

[applause]

Thank you.

Okay, now in French.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪