06x08 - Reader Pride

[bunniefuu]

SPORTSCASTER: We go to the offensive line with Gene Makowsky--

C'mon, Riders, let's go!

[laughs] You're wasting your time.

The Riders haven't been any good since the old days.

Joe Adams.

Polecat Poley.

Molly McGee. She was as tough as nails.

Molly McGee was a guy.

I don't think so.

First woman to play in the CFL. Look it up.

What, dementia?

Joe Dementia played baseball, ya jackass.

Can we have another round here?

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

SPORTSCASTER: Touchdown, Toronto! [cheering]

So how's it goin' on the old griddle?

Gridiron.

Right.

You'll be happy to know the Argos are winning.

I'm cheerin' for the Riders.

Been a fan ever since they moved the team from Ottawa.

Oh, please, football gods, if you help the Riders win,

I promise me, Brent, and Lacey will paint our faces green

for a whole month.

You're on!

Now when you say face--

C'mon. I thought you said you were a Riders fan.

Oh, I'm on board.

But when you say a month--

C'mon, we're runnin' outta time.

All right, fine. I'll wear a Riders jersey

and paint their logos on my cheeks.

Ya hear that, football gods? She said yes.

BRENT: He's open, he's wide open! Throw the ball!

First and goal.

[cheering] All right, we won!

I'm sorry, I don't do that very often.

Excellent!

Hey, Karen, here's that mixed CD I said I'd make for ya.

Ooo, wow!

Thank you.

How come she gets a CD and I don't?

I like music.

You want me to make you a CD?

Are you ready for it?

Are you ready for a Davis Disc?

I'm ready for you to back up a bit.

So it begins.

We're looking for volunteers at the seniors home

and we were wondering if you'd like to read to Mrs. Carmichael.

Mrs. Carmichael? I thought she was dead.

She's not dead. So, would you like to volunteer?

Fine.

You know who I always think is dead,

that guy that played Fish on Barney Miller .

What as He is dead.

Oh, get the hell outta here.

No, he's not dead.

What about you, Emma? What about me?

Abe Vigoda.

Would you like to bring some food to the seniors?

All right.

How about you, Oscar? Would you like to help out?

No.

See how easy it is?

You got somethin' on your face.

Hm?

It's face paint.

No, the other side.

It's all face paint. Where's yours?

Oh, we weren't serious about that, were we?

Whoa, ho, ho, somebody wimped out on the pact.

No, no, I painted my face green. See?

Yes, you did.

And so did I, because we are real fans, unlike Brent.

I'm a fan.

Look, that spearmint gum, green.

These chips I'm eatin' got flakes a green stuff all over them.

The washer fluid. All right, that's blue.

But if I put some lemon juice in there, green.

Do you use that lame excuse on St. Patrick's Day too?

Fine. I'll put on the jersey, I'll paint my face.

Don't bump into those green air fresheners. Go Riders!

Here are three different versions of the cover.

Which one do you like best?

Oh, uh, that one. Sums me up perfectly.

The one with That's a horse?

Wow. Yeah, sums me up perfectly.

So, we done here?

Oh, ho, ho, and the finished product's a ways away yet.

Look, I just want some music to listen to

while I scrub the crapper.

I see.

That changes everything.

[knocking]

Hello? Mrs. Carmichael?

It's Officer Karen Pelly.

I didn't know the watch was his.

I can't see well.

No, I'm here to read to you.

Oh, good.

This is one of my favourites.

Passion in the Willows?

Mm-hmm.

[clears throat] Okay.

Ahem.

"The sun glistened off the bead of sweat

"that rolled down between Nurse Chambers'...

"ample bosom.

"Her auburn hair danced in the wind

as she glanced at his beefy..."

EMMA: Beefy what?

How long have you been standing there?

Since ample bosom.

Well, don't let me stop you.

Enjoy your smut book.

Coffee's on the house there, Rider fan.

'Cause that's what Rider fans do for each other. Am I right?

No doubt!

BRENT: Hello, sports fans.

Now before you say a word--

Unbelievable.

Or after you say a word.

I thought about the face paint, but I have a very large face.

That's a lotta paint.

And the thing about the shirt is that-that tag really itches.

[scoffs] The tag itches on mine too.

But that's what real fans put up with.

No doubt!

Yeah, but it rubs against this little mole, here.

That could be really annoying. Am I right?

You are really pathetic.

No doubt!

I brought you some leftovers from the seniors home.

That place gives me the creeps.

Buncha old people sittin' around, not doin' anything,

watchin' TV.

Actually, something kind of funny happened to Karen.

Tell me quick before my show comes back on.

Well, she had to read this romance novel to Mrs. Carmichael

and it was all about rippling biceps this

and ample bosoms that.

That's funny. [chuckles]

What else did she say?

I'll tell ya later. Your show's back on.

Ah, screw Quincy . C'mon.

Here's your CD.

I think you're really gonna enjoy the aural journey.

I even put some Journey on there.

I listened to the disc while cleaning my toilet.

Worked like a charm.

There's a toilet here if you wanna listen to it again.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'll leave you to enjoy it.

Hello, Mrs. Carmichael.

It's Oscar.

Emma's husband?

I thought she said you were dead.

I'm not dead. I thought you were dead.

What are you doing here?

Just visiting an old friend.

Oh, story time, eh?

Well, I'll just sit quietly in the corner and listen.

Um...

"Nurse Chambers' hot breath caressed the back of his neck.

His supple buttocks glistened in the moonlight."

[giggling]

Sorry. My hearing's not very good.

What was that in the moonlight?

[quietly] Supple buttocks.

[laughs]

Smut reader.

So how'd ya like the CD?

Fantastic, blew my mind. No need to make another.

Which was your favourite song?

Um, Song .

I liked how it came right after the first one, there,

you know, like right after,

and sorta slid into Song .

Did not see that coming.

Soooo?

Sooo... we done here?

There's an unwritten rule amongst mixed CD makers

that if I make a mixed CD for you,

you have to make one for me.

How about this? Hear me out.

Instead of me making you a mixed CD, how about I don't?

Sorry. Unwritten rules are rules.

She had to read this one part about being...

[giggles]

ripe like a peach ready for the picking.

I thought she was gonna die of embarrassment.

What are you doing?

We're havin' a good laugh about Karen.

No, with my shoulder.

Nothin'.

Just tryin' to have a conversation.

I'm gonna take out the garbage.

[cheering]

[whistle] And that's it...

Way to go, Brent, ya cost us the game.

We didn't get as many end zone points 'cause of you.

They didn't lose just 'cause I didn't dress up.

Nice goin', Brent. Now I have to tell my wife I lost the farm.

You bet the farm on the game?

Well, no. I'm-I'm just bad at business.

But if we'd won, I'd have somethin' good to tell her.

Oh well, we'll get 'em next time. Am I right?

No doubt!

No doubt!

Hello.

Hot dog.

Let's get this started!

I wonder what smutty shenanigans

Nurse Chambers has got up to today.

[chuckles]

Well, today I thought we might try something different.

I brought the manual to my VCR.

[clears throat]

"Dear valued Toshiba customer--"

Save it!

We want Willowy Passions. Don't we, Mrs. C.?

I do love that book.

It's the only thing I look forward to.

[sighs] Fine.

[clears throat]

"She then turned,

and standing there was her twin brother Simon."

Shut up! Her brother's still alive!

And we would have won, too,

if Brent had dressed up like he promised.

Aren't you the least bit ashamed?

Even Lacey, an outsider, shows more support than you do.

Dressing up doesn't make you a better fan.

Until last week Lacey thought the players

went into a cuddle before each play.

And Hank only wants to wear green face paint

for a month so he doesn't have to shower.

Being a real fan is about knowing the strategies

and the coaching and the players.

It has nothin' to do with two people dressin' up like idiots. Real nice, Brent.

And they can cuddle when they huddle.

Ta-dah!

Already?

But you didn't even ask me any questions.

Oh, I've been silently studying you for a long time.

This CD has been years in the making.

Shuffle, burn, done.

So,

this completes our transaction?

No more unwritten rules?

I don't have to knit ya a sweater or get ya a puppy?

Thanks, Wanda.

So you thanking me means we're done.

I thought you were gonna stop reading that smut to Mrs. Carmichael.

I tried.

But, you know, it's not as smutty as I originally thought.

It's actually a pretty good story. Simon's still alive.

I don't care.

Oscar can't keep his hands off me!

What's gotten into you?

Nothing.

Can't a guy stretch?

I'm gonna get ya out of it.

You-you don't have to do that for me.

I'm doing it for me.

Wanda!

Hi, Davis.

I was just out for a run. Didn't see you there.

I wanna talk to you about that CD you made me.

Oh, I really don't like to talk about the process.

I love it.

It's the ultimate mixed CD.

Opening with classical music, then reggae,

followed by a children's song, then ending with whale sounds.

Brilliant.

You are a CD mix genius.

My CDs are garbage compared to yours.

No, yours aren't garbage.

That's nice of you to say that.

Ah.

So, um, we're done?

Okay, so for the next game I'm thinking of making

a little guacamole and sour cream dip.

You get it?

Green and white.

Oh, yeah. I'd nosh on that action.

Oh. Sorry, I thought we only did that

after one of us said "No doubt."

Oh, yeah! Go Riders!

That's right, take a moment, drink it all in.

You know, normally I ask this around Halloween,

but what are you supposed to be?

I think he's the Jolly Green Giant.

No, I'm-I'm Saskaman. It's a character I invented.

I'm like you guys. Go Riders!

Are you mocking us?

I'm not mocking you, I'm one of you.

No, you aren't.

Are there mirrors on your planet?

Who are you, the Green Goblin?

The Green Goblin looks nothing like this.

I'm Saskaman, Super Rider Fan.

You're Saska-jerk, Super Jerky Man.

You're Stupid Stinky Man from the planet Knobula.

I don't know what game we're playin', but I like it.

Mrs. Carmichael,

I'm afraid Karen won't be able to read to you anymore.

It's against her religion.

She's Muslim.

Karen's Muslim?

Presbyterian Muslim.

It's new, it's all the rage.

I don't suppose you could read to me?

I'm Muslim too.

No, you're not.

What are you doing here? Where's Karen?

Oh, she can't read anymore.

I asked Emma, but she said no.

Well, I'll read it.

Oh no you don't, Mr. Randy-Pants.

Someone please read?

All right.

One chapter, then I'm outta here.

Davis says you're good at mixing CDs.

Can you mix me one?

Oh, I don't know if I would use the word artist.

I didn't say artist.

Oh. Well, it is an art to do it right.

It takes time and effort.

Shuffle, burn, done.

And here ya go.

Prepare to be blown away by the aural journey.

I thought Karen was the smut reader.

Hey, Hank.

I thought us two super fans could go to the bar for

the next Rider game, watch 'em stick it to those Blue Bombers.

Nah, I'm not really in the mood.

Hey, why'd ya take your face paint off?

'Cause you're makin' fun of me.

No, I'm not. Of all the stupid things you do,

why would I make fun of this one?

Whatever, Alaskaman.

It's not Alaskaman. I'm Saskaman.

Why would Alaskaman's face be green?

Because it's cold.

That makes even less sense.

Hi, Alice.

Shhhh!

[whispering] My bad.

I was wondering if you could help me find a book.

It's called Passion in the Willows.

Mm-hmm.

Look, I know the deal.

You get your jollies reading dirty books to seniors.

Jollies?

I just wanna know how it ends.

Maybe you could try the library in Smutsville.

"Nurse Chambers was wa--

[coughs]

[coughing continues]

"--waiting for him."

Are you sure Karen can't come back?

No kidding.

This is like listening to a chainsaw,

a chainsaw that can't read. [knocking]

Hello.

Karen.

At least one of my prayers was answered.

Now we're gonna hear some good reading.

All right, let's see if these two lovebirds get caught.

Hey, Lacey, Rider game comin' up. Do ya wanna go?

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were somebody else.

Who are you supposed to be, Marvin the Martian?

Marvin the Martian's face was black.

Geez, you people and your references.

Hey, Swamp Thing,

I'm over here.

Hey, where's all your green stuff?

I took it off. You made your point.

You're the best fan, the smartest fan,

the most dedicated fan.

All hail Sasquatch Man.

I'm here in support.

And I'm not Sasquatch Man, or Alaskaman,

or Marvin the Martian, or Fat Kermit.

Well, aren't you clever.

Another satisfied customer.

How was your CD? Blow your mind, freak out your soul?

"Stupid Boy," "Idiot Wind," "Thick as a Brick."

I know what you're trying to say. I'm an idiot.

Look, I just hit shuffle and b*rned songs at random.

Not mine, right?

Of course not yours.

A polka song, a Broadway musical,

a chapter from A Year in Provence.

Okay, yours too.

I don't believe it.

You've broken the first unwritten rule of CD mixing,

"Thou shalt not shuffle."

I thought you said there were no more unwritten rules.

Can you make me a CD, one that doesn't call me stupid?

And so it begins.

So, we done here?

Whoa.

Josh, fire up the grill.

I think I can retire after I feed these two.

Hey, guys. The Riders are gonna win tonight.

Oh, are you fans? They play for the Riders.

Oh, right.

That is what I was sayin'.

That was just a little fan humour,

'cause that what we do as fans.

She's--you know?

Whoa. Gene Makowsky and Matt Dominguez.

Yeah, and you know what else? They play for the Riders.

What are you guys doing here?

They probably came to see their biggest fan.

Word probably got out there was this huge Roughrider fan

in Dog River and they came to see for themselves.

Actually, we were just looking for some coffee. Quite the get-up, though.

Yeah, it's pretty lame, eh?

I think it's pretty cool.

You're like a man from Saskatchewan,

like a Saskatchewan Man.

You're like Saskaguy.

Saskaman.

No, Saskaguy. It's always been Saskaguy.

Hey, Saskaguy, here's a couple tickets to our next game.

Whoa, thanks.

Ah, actually, could I get one more?

There's a couple of people I'd really like to take with me.

Sure.

[cheering]

[in unison] Go Riders!

Go Riders!

Are you mocking us?

No.

"Lieutenant Wilson kissed her gently

"on her perfectly formed ear.

"Then he glided out of the room

knowing he would never see her again."

Wow.

I didn't think it would end like that.

Ah, pretty good book, huh?

Mrs. Carmichael?

Mrs. Carmichael?

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪